Archive for September, 2012

I monopolized the radio and forced everyone to endure my choice. Mwahahahahaha!

September 29, 2012

6:42 PM 9/29/2012

Today is a very slow day at work. I am on break. We don’t have a lot of people here, and the people who are here aren’t the ones who monopolize the radio and turn it on to something horrible, like oldies, where I’ve heard the same 20 songs over and over since 1960. I want to hear something I haven’t heard before. So, somebody told me that I had permission to find something on the radio, and I did. I found some of the public radio stations in the low 90s-89 range. First I heard this singing choir, and it was beautiful, but it only lasted a minute and then they changed to some kind of talk show or comedy, so I had to find another station. I went to The Lion and heard some songs that I hadn’t heard before, and they were pretty good songs – I only hope to find things that are barely tolerable, and these were good enough that I actually danced a little bit (I’m on lots of caffeine) near the radio, and got goosebumps.

That tiny emotional reaction is usually too much to hope for – my normal reaction to the radio is something like ‘OH MY GOD, I AM SCREAMING IN AGONY, MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE, PLEASE LET ME GO SHOOT MYSELF.’ (And no, I am not going to shoot myself, and I usually don’t joke about suicide, but other people do say that sometimes, and I think it’s appropriate to express this emotion in this situation. In reality that’s a phrase that I never say out loud, even when I’m around people who do say that.) I can’t stand hearing the same 20 songs on the oldies station for the rest of eternity, and yet there are other people who get happy and excited every time these 20 songs come on, and they start happily singing loudly to them, and acting as though the song is something special. To me the songs feel like, for instance, ‘Happy Birthday,’ or ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,’ or ‘The Alphabet Song,’ or ‘The Itsy Bitsy Spider,’ and what not – songs that are extremely trivial and shallow, that you have heard hundreds of thousands of times and that have absolutely no deep emotional meaning in them at all.

I myself have some favorite old songs from the 1980s, but I have no desire to hear those exact same songs played over and over every single hour of every single day for the rest of eternity, and I would strongly prefer that some new musicians would create new music that was just as good as those songs that I liked from a long time ago.

The songs are not all used up. There are more of them out there that haven’t been written yet! Songs are infinite. You don’t just write one song and that’s the final song and the perfect song and the only song that ever needs to be written for the rest of eternity, the song that ‘says it all,’ that says everything that any human could possibly say, the song that sums it all up and encompasses everything.

This is probably socionics-related, but usually it’s extremely difficult for me to assert that everybody in the room must endure the music that I choose for everyone. I don’t like to force other people to like what I like. I don’t like to think that somebody out there is unhappy with the choice. I don’t like knowing that there is one exception to the group. Some people don’t mind knowing that one person in the group absolutely loathes the music that is playing. They are focused on the fact that the majority are either indifferent to it or like it, and they think that the exception to the group has the duty of just getting used to liking what everyone else likes. If you don’t like it, you should teach yourself to like it.

If someone dislikes the music I’ve chosen, I feel personally responsible for causing pain to that person. It’s like I went up to them and punched them in the face, or something. I attacked someone and caused them to suffer. That is how I myself feel when I loathe the music that is on. It is physically intolerable to me, as bad as physical pain.

It wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that the soul murderers force me to constantly hear music replaying in my head 24 hours a day. And they usually repeat whatever was playing on the radio, and usually only one or two lines of the song, so that I don’t hear whatever was inaudible, and I hear little fragments that I could catch of the chorus, if I don’t know all the words to the song. And they often make it have some kind of ‘meaning’ related to something going on in my life.

Well, I don’t have any more time to sit here raging and ranting about horrible music. I found something that I tolerated for a while. But it sounds like somebody might have turned it off, or maybe it’s just too quiet to hear down here in the basement. I’ll see. No, I think it’s still on.

hang in there

September 29, 2012

2:20 PM 9/29/2012

On Tuesday, if all goes well, a lady is going to help me do the laundry, which will make me feel better. I requested a day off, just one day, and I put the piece of paper with my request on it in the box just now today. So I will get a three day weekend, hopefully soon. If I get that, then I should be better able to do more work at home and finish the Soil Decon Test #1. It’s only a test because I’m not sure how badly the soil is contaminated and how far. I need to put a tent in a location where the soil hasn’t been contaminated with the residues from the bags of garbage. That contamination is mild. Even though I have it in my wet shoes and I’ve been having a manic reaction for days and days now, I am still relatively sane compared to my manic attacks in the past, which I am very grateful about. Even though this is frustrating and even though it seems to go on forever, it is actually getting better and better, and the residues are more and more diffuse.

I am reminding myself to hang in there. My laundry is horribly dirty today even though I hand washed a little bit of it in the sink with soap. It wasn’t enough. It needs to be thoroughly washed. I myself don’t mind it, but I have to wear these clothes to work.

I have to try again to get a second job, but I couldn’t do it when it was pouring rain, and now I am too exhausted to do it. I must wait till my days off, and it would help greatly if I were clean and no longer had contaminated shoes on. Then I would not need so much caffeine. The residues make me tired.

I will get through this. I am making progress. It is extremely slow but the progress is real.

The sculpting debate – why I’m not doing arts and crafts – a big flaming rant

September 29, 2012

10:18 AM 9/29/2012

I am under the influence of drug residues right now, and also, I was feeling sick at my stomach the last day or so. That mood is influencing my writing, which is very bitter, negative, and hate-filled.

I am lying in bed ‘thinking’ (which means, having a discussion or argument with ‘them’) about the polymer clay sculpting. There are reasons why I don’t want to do it, even though I can.

I am able to sculpt in Play-Doh and plasticine clay. I did it in the past many years ago for fun. I tried to find the photo of me with my little creatures, but it’s not scanned online anywhere. It’s an old photo.

I already talked about how unprofitable it is to try to make something and sell it. You might make the sculpture cover the cost of the materials, and usually, people who buy it are understanding about the fact that you have to cover the cost of materials. Most people are able to understand that physical objects cost money and that you had to pay for these materials, so they sympathize if you say, ‘I sculpted this figurine out of solid gold! I can’t sell it for less than $10,000!!!’ The polymer clay is not very expensive, so people would understand that I have to charge just a couple dollars for something.

People are less able to understand that it takes hours and hours and hours of labor to make something. They can’t actually see the labor. If you videotaped yourself making a sculpture, then they would see how long it took to do it.

If I work at McDonald’s, I get paid about $6 an hour after taxes are taken out. That’s not exactly how much it is, that’s just a number that I use to do mental calculations. I make $8 something, I forget how much, and the government *loves* to take a huge chunk out of the paychecks of poor people who can barely make enough money to even buy food.

If I made a sculpture that took 20 hours to complete, if I did a lot of detail work on it, then the sculpture would be 20 x $6, or $120, for the labor. It doesn’t matter how tiny this sculpture is, it doesn’t matter that the cost of materials was only a couple dollars, it took 20 hours to complete, and it wouldn’t be worth my time to do that if I didn’t at least make as much money as I make at McDonald’s.

I cannot imagine people paying more than $120 for a tiny little sculpture that I might make, and even if they were willing to pay that much, I would feel guilty selling it to them for that price. I don’t enjoy taking advantage of people who can’t stop themselves from compulsively spending money on things they don’t need.

I know that the little polymer clay sculptures can indeed take a long time to complete. I was reading the story behind one of those that were being sold on, and she said it took her three days to do all the detailing. I realize she didn’t stay awake 72 hours straight, but still, she worked on it in bits and pieces over three days. That at least gives me a vague idea of how long it takes to do something that looks professional. I have no desire to make the little pieces of junk that a lot of other people make, for instance, those ‘canes,’ where you make a little roll with different colors inside it and then cut it so that you have these little slices of something. Those might be fun to do, but they are not artistically beautiful.

I saw some people selling professional looking sculptures at prices like $15 or $30. To me, that is still too low. It’s a price that people are willing to pay, and it covers the cost of materials, but in my opinion, those sculptures that she was selling should be more like $70 or $80, which people are not willing to pay, and even then, she would only sell one piece every couple weeks or so if she were very aggressive about selling them. Are they just flying off the shelves? Does she sell the pieces as fast as she can make them? Does she sell several pieces every week and make hundreds of dollars in profit? If she can’t make at least $250 or so, then she isn’t making as much as I make at McDonald’s every week.

The lack of profit isn’t the only problem. The lack of creativity is the other problem. I am a mind controlled slave. Every thought that goes through my mind is controlled, distorted, watched, or generated by the soul murderers. I do not have a single second of freedom to think a truly original thought.

If I attempted to work as a sculptor, I would be a vessel for the foul, disgusting, loathesome, symbolic images of the soul murderers, the type of horrific images that they give me in my nightmares every night. The images that they create are ugly and horrible. They use them in a symbolic way to communicate meanings that are extremely offensive. If I created just a simple animal, which means nothing to me, because I don’t use symbols that way, if I created just an animal of some kind, ‘they’ would twist it to be something ‘symbolic’ and ‘meaningful’ in a disgusting way. Every animal represents something to them. In their nightmares and images that they put into my mind, they refer to police officers as ‘pigs,’ for instance. Many people are familiar with police officers being called pigs, but the soul murderers actually put images of pigs into my head, for example, when they want to talk about the police. If I have a dream about a pig, it’s a message about the police. I myself do not use symbols this way and I find it extremely disgusting and loathesome, but I am forced to endure that type of communication. The animals and images that I create are always twisted to mean something other than what they are, but in a disgusting and horrible way, so that I feel misunderstood.

I am incapable of just creating an image from my own mind without it being twisted and controlled or just completely created from scratch by the soul murderers. If I am seeing a mental image in my mind, it was created and put there by them. If my sculpture requires planning ahead, it is even more vulnerable to being controlled and distorted and created by the soul murderers. If I have to sit there and imagine something in my mind, the image comes from them. If I can’t just spontaneously go and throw something together quickly without thinking about it, then every step of the process will be controlled and destroyed by the soul murderers, so that whatever I create will be theirs, and I will be the vessel of their creations.

That is why I am working at a meaningless job where I create nothing. I am just a cog in the machine. I create nothing, but at least I create nothing foul and evil and horrible and disgusting like the nightmare images that they force me to see.

So I look around me for the sight of true freedom in the world. I hope that someone somewhere might have created something that feels like my own vision, because my own vision is trapped and unable to express itself. I hope that someone somewhere is free, and I hope to see their freedom expressed in their artistic creations or their music. I look around for it in the world. That is why I am always disappointed by everything that everyone else makes. I desperately want to create something myself, but I cannot, because I am a soul murdered slave who is completely silenced and prevented from expressing myself.

So you can’t argue that I should do artwork because I would enjoy it, because it would make me happy, because it would be fun to do, because it would get me focused on something positive. It would not. It would be an act of constant frustration while my genius mind was constantly zapped and thwarted and prevented from expressing itself while some puppeteer filled my brain with loathesome garbage and forced me to create it in the real world.

I would create things that were mediocre and normal looking. I would create things that were not very brilliant. I would create things that other people had already created. I would create things that had no originality. Every thought that I think has to be controlled and approved by the soul murderers, who want to prevent me from expressing any manifestations of genius at all. I was born with many different talents, and in the past, before the attacks became severe, I was able to create some things that were good. I still did not think I was as brilliant as other artists and I didn’t like competing against other people, so I imagined that I would just create my own thing, judge it myself, and not try to be better than other artists.

Another thing that they try to make me do is create something sexual. That is something that only happens when I am under the influence of the drug residues. It’s very hard for me to explain my sexuality because like everything else it is twisted and distorted by ‘them.’ In principle, I am sexually open. I tolerate hetero-, homo-, and bisexuality, but have never experimented with bisexuality in the real world. I also tolerate polyamory, but in reality I tend to only date one guy at a time for several years. My polyamory usually manifests as my allowing the guy to be with other women, instead of me being with other men, so I have dated or had crushes on married men in the past, quite a few times, and it might even be accurate to say that I ‘usually’ date men who are currently married, but I don’t deliberately set out to do this, it just happens. It might even be true to say that the majority of the men I have been with, since I became an adult, were currently married. That is how my polyamory manifests, even though I also believe in female polyamory, in women being with more than one man, and prostitution, and it bothers me to think about the men/women ratio being so high that huge numbers of single men cannot get a wife or girlfriend unless they only have brief relationships with someone who then goes to be with someone else, or unless they have relationships with prostitutes or ‘sluts’ who have several boyfriends at once.

I also have beliefs about nudity. I am extremely tolerant about people’s physical imperfections, for instance, severe ugliness or severe obesity. I have an official rule that says that I *must* tolerate and accept other people’s imperfect bodies. People can be very old, very fat, and so on, and I require myself to accept the sight of their naked bodies without flinching. It angers me whenever people make fun of the idea of some particular person being naked, or make fun of them because they’re fat, or say that they’re too old, or whatever. I am a nudist, and nudity is universal and all-encompassing. Everyone is naked underneath their clothes. This is reality. My total acceptance of imperfect bodies is my spiritual discipline. It is a conscious commitment.

I believe that people do not choose to have imperfect bodies. I believe that things like obesity are caused by factors that people do not control, or caused by ignorance and obedience, for instance, people who gain huge amounts of weight when they start using prescription psychiatric drugs, but they are unable to disobey their doctor, so they cannot question their medical treatment and cannot free themselves. Obesity is NOT caused by overeating or by gluttony or by laziness or by sloth. It is NOT caused by living in an affluent society where food is too easy to obtain. Obesity is a medical condition caused by several factors which most people do not understand. It can be a permanent deformity which is created during infancy if, for instance, your ignorant parents bottle-fed you with infant formulas instead of breastfeeding you. Permanent adipose deformities are not something that you do to yourself by choice.

I am more interested in getting rid of the factors that cause people to be sick or obese, for instance, drugs that cause obesity, or hormones given to factory farm animals that cause obesity, or vaccine-induced chronic stealth viruses that cause obesity, or particular foods such as wheat which can give some people chronic inflammation which is associated with obesity. I would rather get rid of those causes than make fun of people who are fat or tell them that they must cover themselves so that people can’t see their ugly bodies.

And yet, I do not necessarily desire to make sculptures of imperfect people, either. I do have an image of ideal people in my mind. I have images of what healthy and beautiful people should look like. I have particularly strong opinions about how people should grow their hair, because this is something they have control over, and that even includes bald men who believe that they have no control over their hair. They have control over the little bit of hair that remains, and their beard hair, and I can tell them what they should do with those things.

I also value racial diversity. I value all the racial variations that occur in people. To me they are fascinating and beautiful and wonderful. One person might have a particular skin color, or a bone structure, or a hair texture, that comes from their race. All of those things are wonderful to me.

I would want to see sculptures of healthy people who had faces and bodies that were proportioned the way that primitive people’s are proportioned, which is described and photographed in Weston Price’s book, and also by anyone who takes pictures of primitive hunter gatherers who still exist in the world today. I would want to see racial variety. I would want to see pregnant women. I would want to see uncircumcised penises. I would want to see uncut and unshaved hair on both men and women. I would want to see children and teenagers. All of these things are encompassed, are accepted, by my concept of nudity and beauty. I would want to see sculptures of all of those things, and I would want to see them in the flesh, in real people, not just in fantasies.

It frustrates me to see beautiful artwork where the artists draw women with extremely long, floor-length, flowing hair. This is viewed as something that ‘cannot happen in reality.’ It’s only a fantasy. I am sick of this culture’s hairstyling. I want to see real people doing this, not just fantasy cartoon characters. I want to see it on men too.

As I said at the beginning, I’m having a drug residue reaction and my stomach has also been sick, and I might even be sick from a reaction to handling the polymer clay. I don’t know. So my writing style is angrier and more judgmental than usual. But this is what I was thinking about this morning, about why I refuse to be an artist even though I have strong opinions about art and even though I am physically capable of creating art and have done it in the past. I am not free to express my true self in art. And I have a desire to create these people in the flesh in the real world. And my imaginary cartoon animal creations are distorted and stunted and not able to be fully developed, and the soul murderers prevent me from using them in the ways that I would have done on my own.

They sometimes try to force me to do things that they think I would like to do. But even when they do that, it feels like force, and I still can’t agree with it. I am still being constantly zapped and prevented from using my own mind. Only my own mind is able to create something. I cannot just be a ‘vessel’ for someone else’s forced creations.

So, a decision will have to be made. Will I try this sculpting or not? Will I buy more and more materials and supplies so that I can use techniques like making armatures to support larger sculptures so that I don’t have to just make tiny little miniatures? Will I do all of this at a loss, at my own expense, taking thousands of hours to practice and learn, unable to sell my sculptures for enough money to cover the cost of labor, and just barely enough to cover the cost of the materials? Would I enjoy that? Would it make me happy? Would I have fun?

The Polymer Clay Mania

September 28, 2012

7:33 PM 9/28/2012

I recently started having another reaction to my shoes because they had touched contaminated soil where I had my bags of garbage, and then the shoes had gotten soaking wet. I haven’t fixed that yet, so I am still having a reaction. I am manic and suggestible, but not as badly as I often was in the past – the symptoms are mild, but still bad enough to cause a problem.

The other day I was working at McDonald’s and a lady went through drive-thru. I saw that she had this little bird creature thing hanging from her rearview mirror, and I told her I thought it was cute. It was multicolored and cartoony looking. She told me she had gotten it at the People’s Choice Arts and Crafts Fair in Boalsburg, which I have never been to.

After that, suddenly ‘they’ suggested that I should try making little sculptures. I did make things out of clay and Play-Doh in the past, but nothing that was permanent. I let some Play-Doh sculptures dry, but they crumbled. So I never made anything that was really durable and meant to last. Suddenly I decided that I was going to try sculpting in plastic clay, which I vaguely remembered having read about before.

This was not really my idea. It was one of the suggestions from ‘them,’ which I am more susceptible to because I am manic. I have good reasons why I do not attempt to do any projects like this at this time, and normally I resist any such ideas.

It was pouring, pouring rain horribly the last few days. After I got out of work, there was still time for me to get to the arts and crafts store before it closed. I had looked up this clay online, and they did have it at the store. So I rode my bike as fast as I could across town through the rain, and I soaked every single item of clothing that I had on. (Right now I am at the laundromat drying my clothes in the dryer. Normally I would have just let them dry on their own if they had only been a tiny bit damp, but this was extremely bad.)

I got there in time. I found the clay and I found a little oven that was made for baking it. I don’t have any place to plug it in, but, hey, what does that matter? This is mania! I can do anything! So I bought the little oven and I bought some clay and some tools. I figured that I would just plug in the little oven someplace where they have an unsecured outdoor plug, what I’m calling a ‘parasitic plug outlet.’ I’ll just secretly go someplace and use this little oven briefly in the middle of the night or something. It doesn’t take long.

This is not my normal way of reasoning. I am normally much more conservative and I would not have purchased something with a plug that would be so inconvenient to use. It’s small and lightweight and I can carry it relatively easily, but it’s still big enough to be awkward. I only did this because of the mania and being suggestible.

Now I have to decide what I’m going to do with this stuff.

I did calculations. I understand that it’s not very profitable to do arts and crafts unless you make your stuff pretty expensive. When you’re running your own business you should charge yourself for the hours of your labor; otherwise, you might as well have just worked at a ‘normal’ job. Or you can labor at a very low hourly rate, which is what some people do, I think. It’s not just the labor of the crafting, it’s also the labor involved in selling it, sitting someplace with your inventory for hours waiting for people to walk by, or whatever you do. Of course I would also sell it online, which doesn’t require a shopkeeper, but still. All the hours that have any connection to your crafting and selling are part of the cost.

I was not ready to do this, but ‘they’ noticed that I liked that lady’s little mirror decoration thing, so they decided it was time for me to do an unsustainable manic project.

If I made anything I would sell it at a very low price in the beginning because those would be my practice pieces, and they might not be very good quality.

You can search for ‘polymer clay’ on and see the type of things I could make. I would like to make little animals and creatures and people, not jewelry.

I cannot wait until I have finished my decontamination. I don’t want to do more projects like this. It’s very likely that all of these tools and supplies will just sit around for weeks or months because I have other priorities and don’t want to try starting my own arts and crafts business right now.

I could sell something, but my own hourly wages would be very low, and I would be making less money than I would be making at a normal job. It might not even be profitable at all. I don’t define it as profitable if I am not making at least the same hourly wages that I make at my normal job.

Also, this is hard to explain, but I understand it intuitively. You have to sell a certain number of pieces in a certain period of time. For instance, you might think you’ve calculated the right price for a piece so that it’s profitable, and you sell only one piece in an entire month. But you actually need to sell, say, ten pieces in a month. You have to set a goal for how much total money you want to make in what period of time. You say, ‘I want to get $250 profit every week,’ which is approximately what I make working at McDonald’s. In order to get that much profit every single week, I would have to sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, lots and lots of pieces, constantly, tons of them, dozens of them, all the time, nonstop – I could never rest – I would have to be constantly, aggressively selling the pieces.

I am competing against Chinese factories. They can also mass-produce little plastic knickknacks.

How on earth would I ever sell cheap plastic knickknacks, which are a nonessential item, very aggressively, all the time? How would I sell such a large number of them so that I would make at least as much money as I make at my normal job? It’s very hard for me to imagine. I just can’t imagine that millions of people *need* yet another little plastic knickknack. There are things that we do need, and this is not it. I would not have chosen this particular craft if I had officially decided to start selling crafts. I might have chosen some kind of practical, useful, durable clothing to sell, something that people need, something that has no competition, something that people cannot find anywhere else because the clothing sold in stores is crap. There is a real need for good clothing, but not for knickknacks. Who on earth buys little plastic knickknacks?

The whole idea is something I would never even have tried to do if I had not been manic and suggestible. So, it’s very likely that a couple months from now, I’ll be selling that little oven and my tools on Craigslist or somewhere, after they’ve been sitting in storage for months.

I want this rain to stop. I am sick of being soaked all the time. I dried my clothes, but I expect them to get wet again. It’s harder to stay dry when I’m on a bike. I need to get a rain suit and rain pants, but I haven’t bothered to do that yet. They’re at Wal-Mart. I know exactly what I need and where it is on the shelf, I just haven’t gotten it.

Well, if I ever make any polymer clay knickknacks, I will probably take pictures of them, so they will probably appear on the blog. My first creations will just be practice, so they will not look as professional as some of the items on

When I am manic, I know what I’m doing, and I know that it’s something I would normally refuse to do, but I do it anyway, knowing full well that I am not going to like this anymore when I get cleaned up and am no longer manic. I know it’s a bad idea, I know it’s something I didn’t want to do, I know it’s something I *don’t* want to do, but I cannot stop myself from doing it. It’s always something wasteful, like ‘Buy something expensive for a project,’ or something horribly stupid and humiliating, like ‘Write an email to Rick’s wife.’ I cannot stop myself from doing those things while manic.

I might make just a small request off, like for one day or something, so that I have a slightly long weekend, because that’s usually when I start to feel like I can do something. He doesn’t want to give me another long vacation at this time. I could do more work on the soil decontamination. I’m calling it Soil Decon #1 because it might not be the final one. I have to view it as a gradual transition rather than a total success. I have to just do the best I can.

I still have not gotten a job yet, but it’s been so horribly rainy the last couple days that I have not been able to get out and do something in the morning before work. I did not try to go to the dairy farm guy yet.

Calculating a profit is not that simple. You can’t just say that you end up with more money than you had when you started. You have to specify the period of time in which you will get this money. You can’t just calculate how much the materials cost, like the polymer clay by itself, and then charge them just slightly more than the cost of the clay. It’s true, that’s a profit, but….. if you really need the money badly, then you should just get a normal job, if the profit you make from selling crafts is smaller than the amount you would make for working. The only good thing about it is that you are doing something you enjoy and you are doing it by yourself, independently, and you decide how it will be done. Those do make it worthwhile, but I don’t like to do something experimental like this whenever I actually need money. If I need lots of money right away, I don’t take risks and try new things that are not going to be very profitable for a long time. I just get a normal job. Soon, when I get clean, this project will get back into perspective, and I will remember that it’s not worthwhile to try this now. I’m still manic and I’m still eagerly looking forward to the day when I get to sit down with my polymer clay and see what I can make out of it.

The clay is supposedly nontoxic. However, it’s toxic. I only touched the outside of the unopened packages, and I got this bad smelling stuff that stuck to my hands. It made me sick enough that I had to wipe off my hands with a washcloth before I was able to fall asleep. And the packages of clay were in my tent with me last night, and even though I put them inside several layers of plastic bags, the smell came through and filled the tent, making me feel like I was being poisoned and like I was going to stop breathing. It is not deadly poisonous, obviously, but it is not at all harmless. People would have mysterious symptoms while handling it, especially if they baked it indoors. I will not be baking it indoors. Most people don’t observe symptoms and understand what’s causing them, and so, it’s generally accepted that this is safe and nontoxic when actually it is slightly toxic but nonlethal. Several people online said that they handled it with gloves on, though.

I just need a day with good weather, and some free time when I’m not working, and I’ll be able to work with the clay somewhere. That’s unless I get cleaned up first so that I am non-manic. Then I will probably refuse to do it. I don’t know.

I looked all over for the picture where I am making an animal out of Play-Doh or clay or whatever it was, years and years ago, but it seems that this picture is not online anywhere. I swore that it was.

This polymer clay mania will most likely end because I will become frustrated at being unable to do the things I want to do without having to learn a bunch of new techniques and buy a bunch of new supplies. Already I’m feeling doubtful as I read about making something called an ‘armature’ out of foil and wires and other things to support the inside of the sculpture if it has any sections that are bigger than half an inch across. I will find out that I need more and more supplies and techniques in order to do things that I thought would be simple. This is not a surprise – it’s what always happens with manic projects. You can’t learn a complex skill on a whim without spending a very long time practicing it.

It’s been a long time since I looked at my parachute to see what color it was.

September 26, 2012

12:23 PM 9/26/2012

I really wish I was ready to start trying to earn money from advertising on the internet. All I have to do is talk about popular movies and celebrities and a million people will visit my blog. My most popular posts are the posts about movies. I get dozens of people googling ‘I’m disappointed that you tried’ (from Inception), or ‘symbols in Cabin in the Woods,’ or other movie references, and another hugely popular one is ‘Yulia Tymoshenko fake braid’ (because I was trying to understand how she does her hair that way and whether it’s real hair or not).

But no, if I make a real website where I am trying to earn money, I am not going to write about fluff topics like that. I will write about something where I feel that I actually have a valuable contribution.

I read ‘What Color Is Your Parachute’ a long time ago, and I might want to read it again. I remember it was very hard to answer some of the questions. They had a workbook where you wrote in great detail the types of things that you like and dislike doing, and how much you like this or that in comparison to this or that. You have to weigh your values against each other. Is this more important than that?

I really liked that book because it taught me a few important concepts about job hunting. You don’t just have to sit around waiting for the perfect job advertisement to appear with your name written on it. ‘I am looking for a former McDonald’s employee named Nicole Binns to do a job exactly like what she was already doing, except in a different location and a different company.’ Instead, you can go look for jobs at places where they might not be explicitly hiring, where they might not have posted a ‘help wanted’ ad.

The book talks about (well, the version of the book that I read years and years ago) the factors that lead to a decision to post a ‘help wanted’ ad in the newspaper. A company will first try to hire someone from within, etc, etc, and then finally, after trying all those things, and after being desperate enough, they will pay money to post a ‘help wanted’ ad in the newspaper. A job hunter looks at the ‘help wanted’ ads first. I forget exactly what the explanation was, but it was insightful, something about how the job hunter and the job offerer are approaching this from opposite directions somehow. Like, the very *last* thing a job hunter tries to do is get a job through word of mouth, or something, or through someone they know, or… I forget. Anyway the point was that the method of job hunting was much less effective.

There are unemployed people who are just sitting there receiving unemployment because they do not have anyone counseling them about how to get a job. They need help understanding their potential. They also need guidance to reduce their standard of living, to make the transition. People don’t know how to stop living in a mansion and stop driving a car to work every day. They don’t know how to sell their belongings, move into a tiny efficiency apartment, and start riding a bike to work, but those things would help them a lot so that they would be spending less money. They don’t know how to try searching for a different kind of job than what they did in the past. Some of them have health problems – I know one person who is just sitting there receiving unemployment because she is physically sick and has a hard enough time working anyway. There are some people who are receiving unemployment while making an attempt to create something that will make money – I know one guy who is designing a video game which he will try to sell online, and that is the project he is working on while unemployed, and he wants to transition to doing that as his job.

I don’t believe in government unemployment insurance, not the way they do it, but I don’t mind the idea of *some* kind of unemployment insurance. The way it’s done now, it encourages millions of people to just sit there and get paid, and it comes from our taxes and possibly from the employers – I forget where it all comes from – but it shouldn’t.

I should read that What Color Is Your Parachute book again. It will have been updated. I don’t even know if the author is still alive anymore. But the older editions of the book are still good. That book is quite old now, and he was updating it every few years with a new edition.

I would like to see socionics integrated into job hunting sites like this. I really like to read websites where they have collected information about what types of jobs the various personality types tend to do. I want to see a very detailed list of real world jobs where they have documented a particular person’s type and how they feel about that job.

Okay, it says Dick Bolles is 85 years old. He’s still alive and has written a new edition for 2012. Yeah, this guy is awesome, and brilliant. I knew I loved him. I’m looking at the blog now. He’s sort of like Nathaniel Branden in a way. I don’t know his personality type, and he could even be an EIE for all I know, but it doesn’t matter, he’s awesome. I should look at the latest book.

*Edit, I was thinking about it all morning, and I’m pretty sure he’s an EII. I could tell that he was a rational NF, which means he can only be an EIE or an EII. I was reading his blog and I’m going to officially declare EII. I know that I loved the books right away a long time ago. I still think Nathaniel Branden is an EII too. But I don’t have a lot of time to write about it and I’ll have to save it for later.

I cleared a path to the first attempted soil decontamination campsite.

September 26, 2012

6:20 PM 9/25/2012

Today was one of those mysterious, magical days when, for some unknown reason, I was able to do physical work. I really wish I knew exactly what it was that made me able to work today, so that I could do it again anytime I wanted to. But if I did any of the particular things again, they probably wouldn’t work again.

Maybe it was because I had Sunday off, and today is Tuesday, so it was my third day off work. Maybe the weather was perfect, neither too hot nor too cold, with a few brief rain showers that didn’t pour too much, and then just clouds and sun. Maybe there were no wasps, no spiders, and no mosquitoes in the woods. I don’t know where they went, but they were gone. Maybe it was because I got up early and went to eat lunch with my aunt to celebrate our birthdays together. Maybe I drank tea at the Chinese restaurant, and decided to have another bottle of tea later on.

I don’t know. But I was able to go down the mountain on my bike, ride the buses to the restaurant where I met my aunt, and then eventually go back home again and go all the way back up the mountain to my camp, and after I got there, I was still able to do more work. And it was still daylight. Usually I come home late at night when it’s completely dark. And usually after I climb the mountain, I am too tired to do any more work.

I don’t want to get into the habit of drinking tea. I have had incidents where tea caused constipation, and also, it’s very acidic and it will destroy my teeth. I don’t want to use any drugs or any caffeine in the long run. I am allowing myself to use those things now because I am still under the influence of the drug residues that make it hard for me to do anything at all because they cause fatigue.

I got home, and looked for a new place to camp. Last time I searched for a new place to camp, I walked a rather long way and ended up someplace completely different from where I am now. But I decided not to go there. It’s too close to the hiking path. This didn’t occur to me, but ‘they,’ the voices, reminded me that I often snore loudly when I am sleeping, and so I don’t want to be in a tent loudly snoring only a few feet away from the hiking path while trying to remain concealed and camouflaged and secret. Supposedly, I snore so loudly that people think there is a bear in the room, so people can probably hear me anyway even though I am not right next to the path. But ‘they’ always wake me up anyway, and I rarely can get more than a few hours of sleep at a time.

This time, I decided not to use that place that I had looked at last time. Instead, I chose a spot that was right next to where I am now. I am choosing a new place for the purpose of soil decontamination.

I cleared out some big sticks and then I started raking a new path to the new camp. First I just walked down raking a path with a stick, and then I went back over it raking it with a leaf rake so it’s very visible. I didn’t rake it down near where it connects to the hiking path.

I’m calling it the ‘Purple Kite Pathway.’ A few weeks ago, this purple pile of fabric suddenly appeared on the ground in the woods near my path. I didn’t know what it was, and I was worried that somebody had been walking around in the woods near my camp, so they might have seen everything. It looked like a pile of fabric or a purple backpack or something. But I never bothered to go look closely at it. Today, I did. My new path went right next to it, and so I looked at it. It seems to be a kite. I don’t know how a kite got all the way here. It could have been somehow a balloon, except it was made of thin, fragile paper. There is a ring of metal holding it open in a tube shape.

It didn’t take long at all to rake a new pathway. I should have been able to easily do that at any time, but for some reason, my body usually refuses to do any kind of physical labor except when I am at work, and this problem has bothered me for years, and I am constantly trying to discover the magical combination of factors that will allow me to do work at will, whether it is the right drugs, the right food, the right weather, getting rid of drug residues that make me tired, etc. I won’t be using drugs anymore, so that’s not an option. It is strongly connected to weather – my body hurts less when the weather is good – and it is also strongly connected to taking time off work. The more days off work I have, the more likely I am to become able to spontaneously initiate work projects at home by myself. I also have a better chance of doing work at home if I have a sit-down office job, like typing at a computer all day long, which I have done in the past. I don’t get as exhausted as I do from working someplace like McDonald’s, which requires you to stand up all day and run around at high speed and use your arms and your legs.

I now have a complete new pathway to a separate fresh camp site that is next to where I am now. I am not walking on it with my contaminated shoes. However, unfortunately, I can’t do anything about the hiking path down below, which might also be contaminated, and so that will count as one of the imperfections that I will have to tolerate. I am going to do this attempt at a soil decon, and then test it and see if I have new reactions to anything. Every time I do a decon, the residues become less and less and less. It is effective. Even when I have a reaction now, the reactions are very mild, and I am not going crazy to anywhere near the same degree that I was in the past. I am getting rid of it for real, and it is solving the problem for real, and my symptoms are improving for real.

I’m at home right now in my tent, but it’s still daylight out. That’s weird, I’m used to only being here very late at night after it’s dark. It’s actually twilight, after sunset, I think, but it’s cloudy and I can’t tell.

I’m going to go to bed early. Tomorrow, I’m getting up early and I’m supposed to go meet the guy on the dairy farm. So it would help if I got a lot of sleep tonight. I sort of wanted to go down the mountain again, go see a movie, sit and use the wifi somewhere, get more food to eat, since I didn’t eat enough today – I felt a little bit sick and had no appetite when I went to lunch with my aunt, unfortunately. But I have eaten a few small snacks here, and that might be enough to keep me from starving until tomorrow.

I hope that this soil decon succeeds. I hope that I can make this a final decon. I wanted this past vacation to be the final decon, but I knew it was going to fail, because I felt like I didn’t have enough time, had too much to do, and was too tired, and didn’t quit caffeine. Usually when I quit caffeine I become less exhausted and more willing to work at home. I knew I would fail it on the vacation, and I did. But I got a lot done even so. Even though I did not completely finish, I got a lot done, and it was a major partial decon.

I will do this decon gradually and piecemeal. I will set up the new campsite without moving into it, and gradually move things over there if I’m keeping them, and buy new things. I will have to do it on the weekends in between work, instead of on a long vacation. But I will have enough money for it.

What do I wish I could do that I can only do when I’m clean? I wish I could buy clothes and keep them forever. I’d buy things that were nice and expensive and meant to last a long time, but not fancy things, just practical things, like a merino wool bodysuit, whatever they’re called, the leggings and all that. Those are expensive, and I can’t buy them while I am contaminated. I want to buy things carefully, and expect them to last forever. I want to choose carefully and buy the most ideal things that I can possibly find, things that meet all my criteria for quality and function and durability.

Nowadays, everything I buy is known to be temporary, and so I cannot waste time or money choosing carefully the things that I need according to all my criteria. For instance, I’m inspired by the idea of lightweight backpacking, however, everything that I own is still ultra-heavy and as inefficient as it could possibly be. Instead of wearing a nice thick puffy coat that costs a lot of money and is specially designed to be very lightweight, I am wearing several layers of thick heavy sweatshirts that weigh a ton, which I keep in my huge and heavy backpack. I do not want to buy panniers or racks of any kind for my bike while I am still contaminated. I’m using a basket which has gotten contaminated and which I will be getting rid of, and the basket doesn’t fit on the bike properly and is barely usable. It rubs against the front tire if it hangs too low. I want to have panniers on the front wheel of the bike, since I discovered that it is extremely helpful to put a lot of weight in the front, not the back of the bike, and then I read some websites that agreed with me and said the same thing, it’s true, putting the weight on the front is good. It’s much easier to go uphill if I put heavy things into the basket instead of in my backpack, but I’m not really using the basket anymore.

So I just crawl slowly along with my extremely heavy huge backpack while other bike riders fly past me at high speed, which I have complained about many times now. I have theories as to why my bike is slow – it’s too heavy, and maybe also the wheels are too big. They’re 29 inches. I think smaller wheels might be easier to pedal, and they might also have a better ratio of size relative to the gears. I think that the ratio of the gear circumference to the bike wheel circumference affects how fast you can go and how easily. I am not sure of all the factors affecting this, and I don’t know how to draw a physical diagram of all the forces and all the math, but I am pretty sure it is true.

I’m still scared to say that this will be the final decon. But it will definitely be a major one. I will have to do it very carefully. As I said, I’m doing it a little at a time, not all at once, just buying things and setting them up on the new site without moving in.

I hope I get the dairy farm job. That would be a great experience. I really would like to learn how to do Amish farming, but for now, modern American farming is easiest for me to reach. That farm is right across the street from McDonald’s, so I won’t have to go far to get from one job to the other.

I like the Amish lifestyle because they are able to have lots of children. You can support children if you live on a farm and if the children work on the farm. It’s very hard to have children if you live in an apartment or in the city and your children cannot work in any way at all, and they are completely financially dependent upon you. If there were no child labor laws, this wouldn’t be a problem.

I want the decon to be over with. I want to keep my belongings. I want to spend less money. I want to buy high quality items that are carefully chosen and expected to last forever. I want to feel secure knowing that I will not keep having manic attacks. I want to earn money and save it. I’ve been living in my car and then in this tent since August of last year, of 2011, when I left my previous apartment. I haven’t been paying rent all this time. And yet, even so, I haven’t been able to save any money and keep it. It’s true, I’ve been able to survive with only one job, when in the past I absolutely had to have two jobs in order to survive. So technically I am saving money. But I mean I want to save money and keep the money and have savings that keep increasing because I am adding to them. That’s what I haven’t been able to do yet.

The government prevents the banking system from paying interest on savings. It is extremely harmful to the economy when you discourage people from saving money, and encourage them to borrow instead. The entire economic system is not able to pay a good return on any investments, which is why people try to speculate on risky investments instead.

I have to get into bed because it’s starting to get chilly. I’ll sleep a little more than usual tonight, or at least rest without sleeping.

I hope this is it. I hope this is the final decon, for all practical purposes. I hope that I am free of the manic attacks and that I can buy and keep my belongings for a long time.

I should have been able to do this a long time ago, but many things prevented me from doing it. It has taken much, much, much longer than it should have. I need to make drastic changes in my life, especially in my job, in how I earn income, and I can’t do those things yet. I’ve made drastic changes in how I spend money on utilities and rent, but that’s not enough. I need to be able to earn a lot more income and I need to be able to do it without running around exhausting myself in a restaurant.

I’m going to bed. I cleared a path today.

11:22 AM 9/26/2012

The dairy farm guy called this morning and said that he wouldn’t be able to meet with me because he had to go on an errand and pick up some parts. So I will try to reschedule. This was an unsolicited job request – he didn’t actually post a ‘help wanted’ ad anywhere – so I don’t want to be too pushy. Someone begging someone for a job is like saying, ‘Give me money! Give me money! I demand that you give me money whether you want to or not!’ So I am not going to be too pushy or too demanding about it. I am going to be easygoing about it, and if he sends signals that he doesn’t really want to hire anybody, without directly saying so, then I might take the hint. For now, I will just assume he just has to go on an errand and we will try to reschedule our meeting. But I am not going to try a hundred times.

Bamboo bicycles!!! And bike helmets!

September 25, 2012

I’m reading about the uses of bamboo again. I knew that it was an extremely useful and valuable plant, and I vaguely remembered reading that it could be used for many things. I love the bamboo bicycle. I want one! We need bamboo cars too. …Oh, I wrote that, and then went back to the page, and saw that there actually is one, right underneath the bike picture.

The acorns are lying on the ground getting crushed

September 24, 2012

10:28 PM 9/24/2012

Today I went to Weis and took my prescreening test. I now have to wait for them to call me. The test was repetitive, and it was just as I remembered it: do you steal, do you use drugs, do you get into fistfights with people, do you lie, do you gossip, etc.

After I walked out of there, I went across the street to Meyer’s Dairy. I have been thinking that I would like to work on the farm with the cows. I felt like that kind of work would make me happy. So I asked the lady there how could I apply to work on the farm, not in the restaurant area where they served the ice cream. She gave me the guy’s name and the phone number.

While I was talking to her, and while talking to the guy on the phone, I slowed down my speech a little bit and let my West Virginia accent come back a little. I was talking to farmers, and that was how they talked. I felt comfortable mentioning that the reason I couldn’t meet with him tomorrow morning (Tuesday) was because I was meeting with my aunt to go to a birthday lunch. So I am going to try to talk to him on Wednesday.

He asked me if I had any experience driving tractors. I said no, but I would like to learn. I have experience with horses because mom and dad have them, and I said I like doing outdoor work.

Afterwards, I got online and googled ‘how to drive a tractor’ (or something like that) and watched a bunch of videos on YouTube called ‘How To Drive And Operate A Tractor,’ on a section of YouTube called ‘ExpertVillage,’ a place where people put up how-to videos by experts. The first thing I thought was, ‘That guy’s hot,’ (and no, I rarely actually use the word ‘hot’ to describe anyone, but that was how I felt, because I am still having a drug residue reaction right now, and it is influencing how I respond sexually). People away from the cities tend to grow their hair a couple inches longer. In the cities, people shave their hair down to half an inch and keep the hair at exactly that length for the rest of eternity. I enjoyed listening to this person talk about how to operate tractors, and I learned things that I never knew before.

I had to call the farmer guy back later this evening because he had been busy when I first called him, and that was when we made an appointment to see each other on Wednesday.

I went to eat at a Thai restaurant, but I knew I would be frustrated. The food that they serve is filled with vegetables that probably never existed in traditional Thai food: broccoli, cauliflower, tomatoes, green peppers – American grocery store vegetables. As long as it’s hot and spicy and filled with vegetables and as long as it has a couple of familiar herbs that are associated with Thai food, then it counts as being ‘Thai’ (which I disagree with). I want to eat the same food that the indigenous Thai people were eating, the primitive people, the poor people, the people living in the wild areas instead of the modernized areas.

Today I stepped on an acorn and picked it up and picked off a tiny piece of the nut inside and ate it. You’re supposed to do things to get rid of the bitter tannins in the acorn, but I didn’t do that. I just ate it as it was. As usual, I had ‘weird feelings’ for a couple of minutes – I felt lightheaded as though my blood pressure had gone down – but it was very mild and it soon passed. I didn’t get sick at my stomach, but I might have if I had tried to eat a whole lot of them. I only ate a tiny fragment of an uncooked acorn.

It bothers me that the acorns and walnuts and hickory nuts are just lying on the ground everywhere, wasted. The apples and pears fall off the trees, too, and they just lie there on the ground, but I don’t feel as much regret about them, because they don’t have as much food value (in my opinion) as the nuts, which contain fat. It seems very wasteful that fat-containing foods are just lying on the ground rotting. So I read a couple of websites that talked about how to process acorns to make them more edible, and how to break walnuts open. I read something that gave me the impression that there was one, and only one, special walnut cracker that had ever been invented, but it turns out that actually a lot of different nutcrackers can do it. But this special cracker didn’t just crack one at a time, it could crack hundreds of them, like in a grinder sort of thing. -Ah, I found it in my browser history: “The World’s Best Nutcracker.” It’s $160, but it’s made of metal, and I like things that are made of metal that are meant to last a long time.

It’s great having an extra day off work. I was off Sunday. But I haven’t done anything during these days off. I have made phone calls attempting to get a second job, and that was all that I had the will to do. I did my prescreening test. I walked to Meyer Dairy’s restaurant, and afterwards I walked down the street to look at the location of the farm itself, and then turned around and walked back.

I took a taxi to the prescreening test because when I woke up I felt sick and exhausted and did not even want to walk down the hill to get on the bus. It was a beautiful day and I walked around without my bike for the rest of the day.

I am suffering pain and loneliness, but cannot make new friends or boyfriends or join any groups or start any projects at this time. I have to get clean first.

I hope that I can get a job working at the farm instead of at Weis. I applied at Weis because it was close and because I feel this desire to sort of ‘fix’ what happened before when I left last time. I feel like if I go back, that will fix my reputation. But I was going to be an overnight stocker, and they told me that job was taken (I talked to the human resources guy today, and guessed he was probably something like an ESI, but I don’t know for sure). So they said I could apply for the cashier job, which I do not want. I agreed to do that, but then, obviously, I walked out the door and started looking for another job at the dairy. If all else fails, I could keep trying to get the job that I don’t want at Weis, but I am going to try to get a job that I will enjoy more at the dairy farm.

I’m reacting to drug residues, which is causing me to think this way, but, when I’m walking down the street, when I see all the acorns lying around getting crushed and uneaten, when I see all the soil passing by beneath my feet, beneath the concrete of the sidewalk and the road, I think of all the earthworms under there, for miles and miles and miles, and how many millions of chickens could be eating those earthworms, but we don’t have any chickens walking around. There are no chickens anywhere. All the chickens are in the factory farms eating unnatural foods. But millions and millions of miles of earthworm-filled soil is all around us, with no chickens on it. All these yards are empty. The lawnmowers mow them, and there are no cows grazing on them. Nobody gets the milk from their own backyard cow every morning. This is all so wasteful.

I am not very interested in gathering acorns and walnuts. I could do that. But the hardest thing for me to obtain is good quality meat. I cannot do experiments testing what happens when you eat the organs of animals instead of just the muscle meat. Only the muscle meat is sold in the stores. If you buy liver, you get a gigantic entire pound of liver that would take me months to eat, and I would have to put it in the freezer. I want something small that I can test. If I do anything, I want to try eating squirrels or birds or groundhogs. It seems like a waste of time to forage for vegetable foods when vegetable foods, like nuts, are already extremely cheap and plentiful and easy to find in the store. I have no complaints about the quality of the nuts sold in the stores. But I am unable to find the type of meat that I want, and so hunting for meat is the thing that I want to learn first. That would actually be worth doing. I would get something that I cannot find in the stores.

On Wednesday, I will talk to the farmer and I will try to get a new kind of job at a place where I have never worked before. If I get this job, it will be the official beginning of The Get Rich Quick Project.

I couldn’t get the mail today; problems with coats; compliments about things that I myself don’t like

September 23, 2012

5:05 PM 9/23/2012

I tried to go get the mail today, but I forgot that the UPS Store is closed on Sunday. I thought it was open because it isn’t actually a post office, it’s a private business, but I was wrong. Mom told me she mailed me my birthday card. There will be a check in it. I will have some extra money, a few hundred dollars most likely, and I don’t like to spend that money on the decon. I sometimes buy coins if I have extra money. I’m not sure what I will do.

I went to Goodwill. I needed to get a new coat. I found one that I really, really liked. It’s plain black and simple. It’s not the ‘ideal’ coat, which I would have to sew by myself, but it’s a very nice coat considering that it was made by the mainstream clothing industry. However, the fact that I liked this coat so much made me extremely reluctant to buy it. The nicer the item, the more it hurts to get rid of it. I still have to do one more major decontamination, and I will get rid of my clothes at that time, including this coat that I bought today.

So I fought with myself for several minutes, walking around, debating, struggling, wanting to buy it and not wanting to buy it, but knowing that the cold cold wind chill is blowing through my sweatshirts when I ride my bike every night.

I finally managed to buy it. I told myself, ‘I promise, after the decon is over, you will MAKE YOUR OWN CLOTHES.’ That is the only way I can be satisfied with clothing. I must make it. I have wanted to make clothing for YEARS. I *HATE* clothes in the stores, especially coats, because coats actually have a practical purpose: they are supposed to keep you warm. Why are there so many coats that are purely decorative? When I want to find a coat that actually keeps me warm, I have to sort through hundreds and hundreds of purely decorative and impractical ‘fashion’ coats that are too thin, strangely shaped, ugly colors, pockets in weird places, unlined pockets so that your hands are cold when they’re in your pockets, coat is too short so your hips are exposed and cold, bad buttons, etc. Every detail is wrong. The only way I could bear to buy this semi-nice coat that I sort of liked was by promising myself that after the decon was over I would be able to have an infinite number of perfect, ideal, practical, durable, effective coats that I would make by myself. I would never be lacking for good coats again. So I got it.

The little network icon works again. I can click on it and see a list of networks to join.

I am reassured. Once again, my money is gradually accumulating. I will be able to afford the decon.

I’m off work today, which was unusual. It’s Sunday. But we’re often slow on Sundays.

I’m drinking caffeine today.

Surviving the decon, and promising myself that after it’s over, I’ll be able to buy and make nice permanent good expensive clothes for myself, clothes that meet all my criteria – it’s like dying and going to heaven. After you die, you will have all the perfect coats that you ever wanted. It’s sort of like that. But I am not dying, I’m just suffering a lot, and throwing away tons of money and my belongings.

The manic attacks are milder and milder. I had an attack this past week because my shoes got wet and the soil around my camp site is contaminated and it went through the wet shoes. Even though I was having a manic attack, I was still relatively ‘well behaved’ compared to how I was during my attacks in the past. I’m still not clean now, but I am not going totally crazy either. My decontaminations, and moving into a tent, and getting rid of the car, all of it has been very effective at getting rid of the residues. This is not an infinite imaginary problem that will never go away. It does get better. It gets better every time I do something, and it is getting better and better over time. It’s actually working, and I am almost done.

Let’s see. What’s wrong with coats?

-bad color or pattern
-weird buttons
-no zippers
-lack of zippers on pockets, so that things fall out
-hood is too loose
-hood has no fur around the edge
-fabric is thin and has no stuffing, no insulation, not quilted. This is the biggest problem with coats. Too thin, too thin, too thin! Almost all coats assume that you don’t really NEED to keep warm. They assume that you’re just dashing from one warm house to another, or dashing from your warm house to your warm car and from the car to another warm building, instead of walking or biking long distances outdoors with the wind chill. I want a coat that is so thick that I am baking hot inside of it and dripping with sweat. I want it to be uncomfortably hot most of the time, so that I know it actually works at the times when I need it most.
-coat is too short
-pockets are up high instead of in a comfortable position for the arms. I had one coat where, for some reason, the pockets were so high it almost looked like I was grabbing my own breasts when I had my hands in my pockets. Why on earth were they like that? Someone said something about skiiing – that perhaps they were moved up because you would be moving the ski poles and the pockets had to be out of the way, or something. But I am skeptical. The coat didn’t advertise itself as ‘This is a specialized jacket designed for skiing.’ It was just sold with normal coats.
-fabric makes high-pitched scratchy dry noises like fingernails on a chalkboard
-wind blows through it
-flimsy, shoddy, bad quality construction. For instance, a button unravels and falls off the first time you wear it.
-lack of fur. Even if it’s fake fur, it helps. I like having fur around the edge of the hood and around the cuffs of the sleeves, and maybe even around the bottom of the coat. It helps prevent the wind from blowing in. It must be placed in such a way that it blocks the wind, not just stitched around the outside to be ‘fashionable.’ Fashion fur coats are useless.
-sleeves too short. Three-quarter sleeves end somewhere between your wrist and your elbow. There is a brief and fleeting time period lasting for a couple weeks in the spring or the fall when the weather is neither hot nor cold, and during this time, you might get away with wearing a light decorative jacket with three-quarter length sleeves. This is a ‘fashion’ that appears every now and then. You cannot wear this coat to actually keep warm.
-hood that can be rolled up and zipped into the collar. The hood is always paper-thin, with no stuffing, and useless. I would rather have a huge heavy hood that couldn’t be tucked in, a hood that actually works when I need it. Back in the early 1980s, they had these hoods that would unzip down the center of the hood itself so that the hood would lay down flat against your back, split into two separate pointed things. I wonder if you could feel the cold going through the zipper? I had one of those coats, but I wasn’t aware of such things back then and didn’t notice. I hope that style comes back. We also had puffy quilted coats that actually worked, back then. Quilting comes back into ‘style’ now and then, but it is not a ‘style,’ it is a practical feature. Practical features that serve a purpose should never be arbitrarily declared to be out of style.

I’m on a lot of caffeine right now. I was going to make some detailed plans for the decon, but as always, all I want to do is spend hours writing about nothing, for the sheer pleasure of typing on a keyboard.

I’m concerned about how I’m going to do a decon with the storage tent. There isn’t a ton of stuff in there. I’ve sorted some of it out. But I still should sort it again. For some reason, I dread having to work with that storage tent. I don’t know why. I’m much more confident about everything else that I have to do with the tent that I sleep in, and my bicycle. The storage tent is bothering me. It requires more effort, more time, more mental focus. I have to sit there for a long time sorting through stuff while sitting outdoors, while being bitten by mosquitoes, or threatened by wasps, or crawled on by spiders, or too hot, too cold, too rainy, or too dark – it’s just hard to do. I need to verbalize exactly what it is that I’m afraid of, and I will be writing that on a piece of paper while I write out my more detailed plans. I need to explain exactly in detail why I am dreading that project. I will have to move everything in that tent to my new campsite.

Tomorrow I have to take the prescreening test, which was another reason why I wanted to go to Goodwill. I wanted something that I could wear when I go there. I don’t want to wear three layers of sloppy looking sweatshirts and a dirty t-shirt.

I don’t know how long I will be in this job if I take it at all. It isn’t what I wanted. I talked to the human resources guy on the phone (probably an EII? – *edit, no, after posting this, I’m thinking he is probably some other type, anything but an EII, maybe an ESE or something, who knows – I have no idea) and he said that the stocker job had just been filled, but they still needed a cashier. I don’t want to be a cashier. I wanted to be a stocker because at least I would be DOING SOMETHING. I don’t want to just stand there twiddling my thumbs while waiting for a customer. If I recall correctly, you’re not allowed to read a book while you stand there all night long, for some reason. I can’t find my ipod, so I won’t be surfing the net either, and anyway, I don’t think they have wifi, so I couldn’t. (My ipod is buried in storage somewhere, and I might have even left it in West Virginia when I dropped off a bunch of my computer stuff. I don’t really care. I bought it while I was manic, and they were forcing me to waste hundreds of dollars on electronics.)

Anyway, I have to do a job where I am constantly in action doing something, which is why McDonald’s is perfect for me. Stocking the shelves is boring, but at least you are constantly doing something. Standing there doing nothing while being forbidden to read a book is likely to make me go screaming insane. But I will try to do it for a while, and maybe I will keep bugging them and they will eventually let me work a few hours stocking instead of being a cashier, if they need help.

There are a few people in town who recognize me on my bicycle. One guy really loves my expensive bike, and says, ‘There’s the bike!’ or ‘Steal that bike!’ (jokingly), and other things when he sees me. Unfortunately, this was not my intention when I bought that bike. I believed that I was buying a bike that was lighter weight than the bikes sold at Wal-Mart, because in the past, that was what had happened. I thought all cheap bikes were heavy, and expensive bikes were lighter. It’s more complicated than that. There are aluminum bikes at Wal-Mart, but I’ve been told that they will crumple in an accident, or spontaneously break apart if you hit a bump really hard, and that kind of thing. I read it somewhere. They are very light, and cheap.

The bike I bought is a heavier duty mountain bike, medium heavy duty, and it’s heavy weight as well. In the past, I had an expensive mountain bike from that same store, and it was much lighter than my ex-boyfriend’s mountain bike from Wal-Mart, so I drew the conclusion that all expensive mountain bikes were lightweight and better than Wal-Mart bikes. But now I see everyone else flying past me at high speed, effortlessly, even on their cheap bikes, while I slowly crawl up a hill, and slowly crawl along even on flat places. So I unintentionally bought an expensive bike, and it wasn’t even lightweight, and now everyone is impressed by what a nice bike I have, and I get compliments on it all the time from people who don’t understand why I do the things I do. It doesn’t make me feel good to get compliments about what a nice bike I have, when I myself am not satisfied with it because it’s much heavier than I meant for it to be, and I bought it too impulsively without knowing what I was doing.

It’s true that I enjoy impressing people with my material possessions or my physical appearance, but *only if* I myself am satisfied with those things. So if I myself really really loved my bike, and everyone else gave me compliments on it, I would agree with them and I would be pleased to get their compliments.

I get compliments about my dreadlocks, too, but I myself am not really satisfied with my dreadlocks, and I don’t consider them to be beautiful or attractive. I have a reason why I am doing them. It is a test. It is a personal religious practice. But I don’t really think that they ‘look good’ aesthetically. So I feel misunderstood when people tell me my dreadlocks look great. Again, these are random people passing me on the street, usually at nighttime when a lot of people are walking around drunk and saying whatever they feel like saying without inhibitions.

Also, these people who are complimenting me about my bike don’t know that this bike will eventually be sold for decontamination purposes. I have gotten some residues on the handlebars or handgrips or whatever they’re called, and also on the pedals from my shoes. It’s not easy to wash that off. I could try, but I don’t have hot water, and it would have to be a project. I tried washing them with cold water, but it did not work very well, and the residues are still there, and I react to them. So I put this plastic bag over the ends of the handgrips and wrapped it with duct tape. Now I am not touching the residues directly, but in the long run, that will not pass inspection.

I knew this would happen if I had caffeine – I would write an extremely long blog and have a desire to just keep writing.

I am keeping warm. I have one sleeping bag inside the other. As soon as I did that, suddenly I was baking hot again. The goal is to be baking hot, so uncomfortable that I have to unzip the sleeping bag to get some air. That means that I am hot enough to be safe.

This particular tent is the most vulnerable to spider infestations of all the tents I have had. I think it’s because I put it under those arching trees, which are just overhead, and I also did not clear the leaves off the ground around much of the area, and also I have a big pile of sticks and leaves and junk under the tent. I don’t like spiders. I don’t scream when I see them, but I really really don’t like having them in the tent. I’m not afraid of them if I’m able to move out of the way. I think I finally figured out where they were coming in. There is a little flap that covers part of the tent door zipper, and they crawl under that flap, and when I unzip it, they fall off the flap into the tent. I actually saw one before it fell, and I knocked it off so it went outside instead.

How come deer and other animals aren’t constantly being attacked by spiders and wasps and mosquitoes and ants and everything? I guess their fur must be that thick. They have a layer of puffy fur underneath the smooth outer fur. I think of squirrels crawling through the holes in the hollow trees, and I think of all the spiders that must be in there.

There is a hollow tree that I saw in town today with a sign stuck to it saying that there was going to be a council meeting about possibly cutting this tree down. It is a very large unique old tree with a wrinkly looking base. I don’t recognize tree types anymore – I only vaguely recall doing a leaf collection back in school – I can recognize a few basic trees like oaks and maples and pines (just ‘pines’ as a general category), but I don’t know anything about sycamores or hickories or elms or anything. It’s a beautiful tree, but it has a big hole in the bottom, and you can see that it’s hollow inside. The tree is still alive though. I said, ‘Oh no!’ when I saw that it might be cut down. Even though I am so scared of falling trees and breaking branches and widowmakers, I still don’t want a huge old tree cut down. They might cut it back so it’s shorter but it will still have some live branches. If this were a movie, that would be a tree that the little fairies lived in. It’s that kind of tree. I just googled it, and I think it’s a sycamore. The bark looks like old, chipped, peeling paint.

I have noticed that rainy conditions, not windy conditions, are usually when trees fall in the woods. It poured and poured and poured a lot the other day, and during that time and afterwards, I heard several trees fall. These are rotten old trees that are already dead. Maybe when they get soaked, they get softer and heavier. I don’t know. But there are days when the wind blows very strongly, yet I don’t hear any trees fall. There could be some exceptions to this observation – it’s not set in stone, it’s just a rule of thumb or a hypothesis.

I will go ahead and post this, but because I’m having so much caffeine right now, I might even write another blog post.

My wireless network thing disappeared.

September 22, 2012

I did a bunch of computer updates, and now, I can no longer click on the little wireless bars thing in the lower right hand corner and have a list of available networks pop up. I don’t know if this is now a permanent bug or if it will fix itself when I restart the computer again, and I don’t have time to test it.

Your company president is a thief. What do you do?

September 22, 2012

2:13 PM 9/22/2012

I’m having a rough day. I feel somewhat sick and exhausted. It’s cloudy and there are small rain showers here and there, but not constantly pouring rain like the other day, so it’s not too bad.

I have been torn between the need to socialize versus the need to improve my life financially. Several different people have been talking to me and wanting to meet with me. Unfortunately most of these people are for one reason or another either slightly difficult for me to get along with, or else easy enough but kind of boring. None of them are the kind of person who I would eagerly make time to go see no matter what I was doing. The one person who I did go out with is okay, but again, I didn’t have a lot to say to him either, and I also have very limited time and energy. I wouldn’t mind seeing more people if I had more energy and more time, if I earned a higher income at my job and didn’t need to work so many hours.

Also, I have a single minded will. I can only get done one important task per day, approximately, and I’m lucky if I can do two. So if my task is to go on a date with someone, then I won’t have enough will left to do any other task, such as go shopping.

I wouldn’t naturally be this way, not quite so severely, but the attacks take away my sleep and my concentration and my social energy.

I could go on a group date with a bunch of guys at once. That seems like the best way to do it.

Monday, I’m going to go to Weis and take my prescreening test. I vaguely remember that test. It’s the test where you have to guess what the testers want you to say, and then lie to them and tell them whatever they want to hear. ‘If the entire corporate culture is totally corrupt, hopeless, and apathetic, and if 100% of the employees are stealing food without keeping track of it, and if the CEO himself walked into the store and grabbed something off the shelf and offered it to you for free, should you eat it?’ The answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU MUST MAINTAIN YOUR SPOTLESS MORAL PURITY AT ALL TIMES! Even if the CEO THREATENS YOUR LIFE or fires you from your job, you must not accept the free food that he grabbed off the shelf without paying for it, because that would be stealing, and your moral duty is to how the corporation ideally ought to be, not how it actually is. ‘If your CEO did this, would you report him to the police?’ The answer is YES! He’s stealing from his own company! That is illegal!

So I know I will pass this prescreening test because I know the kind of answers they want to hear.

I actually failed one of those tests one time for some reason. It was at Sheetz. It was several years ago. I did the interview and I took the computerized test. The computer supposedly automatically gives them a yes or no answer as to whether this person can be hired or not, and for some unknown reason, it gave this guy a ‘No.’ So he regretfully came out of the office and told me that the computer said I could not be hired. I could not believe this, but it really happened. I must have answered a couple of the questions truthfully, oops. I must have implied that every once in a while, a situation might contain some moral ambiguity or complexity, or it might require a deeper understanding of the circumstances, or there might be a better solution than the one offered by the test answers.

Well, I have to get ready to go to work.

Gradually adapting to the intolerable

September 21, 2012

11:54 PM 9/21/2012

I put in an application to work at Weis again. Someone recommended that I call on the phone and talk to the human resources manager, but he wasn’t there today, and they told me to try calling again tomorrow.

I got another sleeping bag a couple days ago. Now I am warm again. I had one night where I was almost just barely a tiny bit chilly, and wasn’t able to get as warm as I wanted. That was the sign that it was time to get another sleeping bag. Instantly I was warm again, and now I am actually waking up hot and having to unzip the sleeping bag to cool down, which is how I want it to be.

I won’t notice much improvement in my finances when I get the second job, at first. For a few weeks it will seem like nothing is happening. It will be a few weeks before I even start getting paychecks – they are usually a couple weeks behind. Then I will be spending the money on replacing contaminated supplies, which is one of the things that has been destroying my money all this time, along with expensive food bought from restaurants instead of food that I cook myself.

A couple weeks ago when I was on vacation I was lonely enough (since I was away from everybody at work) that I got on the dating site briefly and got a couple of messages from people before I put the profile back on ‘hidden’ again so that nobody could find me. I attempted to make a couple of dates, but then canceled them.

I did finally meet one person who had written to me once in the past when I had been on there, maybe a year or two ago, quite some time ago, when I was much crazier than I am now, and I had written bizarre things on my profile. He told me, while we were walking around talking, that one of the reasons he knew I would get along with him was because my bizarre profile was ‘out there’ just as he himself was. He said he has Asperger’s Syndrome. But also, he is an LII personality type, and it’s been said that mainstream society thinks that every introverted NT personality type is autistic. I had mentioned socionics to him and he had told me that he was an INTJ in the Myers-Briggs. We walked around and I didn’t have a lot to say. But he said it was all right and that he might want to meet me again sometime.

I don’t know if we will or not. I am finding that I cannot get out of bed and go anyplace, and that is why I cannot go on dates. I can’t even do it on my days off.

I would like to ask them for help. A couple of people are still calling me and sending messages, and I am having a hard time answering them. I was able to answer them for a couple days while I was still on vacation. But now I am freezing up, locking up, unable to speak. I told them that I’m not going to be dating, that I changed my mind, that I’m still having problems. But they know that I was sincerely going to try to meet them, and they are continuing to try. I could ask them to meet me at my camp site and then just sit around while I did projects and chores there, except I don’t want them to be around the place where the soil is contaminated. That would be counterproductive. It would be best if I did my decon first before having any visitors over.

I wish I could ask someone for help, but people aren’t able to follow my strict protocols. They don’t understand the importance of following the protocols, they don’t understand the necessity, because they haven’t experienced what I’ve experienced, and also, they’re not the ones who are forced to become a puppet and to do and say extremely crazy and stupid things during every manic attack like I am. I’m the one who desperately needs to protect myself against even the slightest manic attack. I’m the one who totally destroys all of my fragile new relationships every time I get manic and ‘they’ force me to say and do the worst possible things that I could say and do.

The leaves are falling from the trees. I will need to camouflage the tent better, soon. One of them is well covered, but the one I’m sleeping in isn’t, because the camouflage netting prevents air circulation. I would not like having a mosquito net, either – you can sleep in a sleeping bag with a mosquito net that goes over the outside of the sleeping bag, instead of sleeping in a tent, but that would suffocate me. I’ve found that netting strongly prevents air circulation, even though it has holes in it, and the air becomes stale and stifling and full of carbon dioxide. If you put your nose and mouth directly against it then you can force the air through, but otherwise, the air just sits there on your side of the netting. So instead of putting the camouflage net on and off every single time I get out of bed every day, I just took it off and left it lying on the ground, partly because, for some reason, the big huge fast-moving tunnel spiders seem to like that camouflage net, and they sit there in it and then they go zooming around all over the place when I move it, and they are huge and scary, so I stopped picking it up and moving it around.

I am a little bit anxious about camping in the fall and winter. Last year, I slept in my car all through the entire winter, but that was different. I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I could drive. I could turn on the heat. I could go anywhere. It won’t be that easy now. I have a bike. I’m in the woods, although I am close to a couple neighbors’ houses if I need them – I did not go far up the trail, only just a little bit, and then hid the tent where people can’t see it. I’m on a huge hill that I have to go up and down every day.

Still, even so, I’m probably just going to stay until it becomes intolerable. That seems to be the way that I naturally make decisions. Just stay someplace until it’s utterly intolerable to the point of being life-threatening, and then you finally decide to do something about it, some little temporary jerry-rigged solution that will get you through a little bit longer, until it becomes intolerable again, and then do some other little patchy solution. I went many days thinking, ‘I need gloves when I’m riding my bike.’ It got colder and colder, and when the wind blows on my hands while I’m riding my bike, my hands become very very cold, and it became intolerable. Finally, I bought gloves, and my hands are now perfectly warm, and I’m happy about that. But now, gradually, I’m noticing that my multiple-layer sweatshirts are becoming less and less effective, and I’m thinking, ‘I need a real coat for when I’m riding my bike.’ One of these days it will become intolerable, and I will get a coat, but until then, I will just put up with wearing a whole bunch of sweatshirts that the wind is blowing through. Nothing ever causes me to make a decision until it gets to the point of being life-threatening and/or utterly intolerable.

I could move to Tussey Mountain, and I might be closer to work. But Tussey Mountain is connected to a much larger wilderness, and they have more bears and more bobcats, and they theoretically could even have cougars. There are unverified anecdotes of cougars. Tussey Mountain also probably has a lot more rhododendrons and laurels, which makes it unlivable. You cannot live in or camp in or close to rhododendrons or mountain laurels, because they are extremly poisonous, and they will poison you if you even touch them. And I’m not the only one who has observed this. Every once in a while, my blog stats show me that people are googling things like ‘mountain laurel poisonous to touch’ and finding my blog. Anyway I would rather stay on Mt. Nittany for now. I won’t leave it yet.

Tomorrow I will call Weis and talk to the human resources manager and try to get a second job.

I do not know whether I will go on more dates or not. It is so hard to get out of bed. And I am not in love with these people. They are company, they are comforting, but I do not love them. I don’t know who I will love.

How I am lucky

September 19, 2012

2:50 PM 9/19/2012

The other day I ate at the Chinese restaurant. My fortune cookie said, ‘Your luck has completely changed today.’ My response was, ‘Oh no!’

It might be just the mood I’m in, and maybe other times I’m in the opposite mood, but lately I have been feeling that I am lucky. I don’t want my luck to completely change. I’ve actually been horribly unlucky in a great many ways and have written hundreds of pages complaining about it in my blog. However, I also consider myself lucky to have survived, lucky to know the things I know, and potentially able to fix my situation, while there are lots of other people who cannot.

I hired a guy to haul some of my trash down the mountain for me. He and I talked for a while. He told me all about things that had been happening to him. I had mentioned that I was chemical sensitive and that I was throwing away my belongings because I got something on them that I had a reaction to. He said, ‘I know where you’re coming from,’ in a weary voice, and, as always, I am skeptical when someone says this: I assume they’re just saying it to be nice or because they can’t think of anything to say.

But then he told me some stories. He hauls things in his truck for a living. And he recently bought himself a house. The previous owner had died. He was old, and he had been hoarding junk in the house for several decades. The house was completely stuffed with junk, the electrical wiring was old and exposed and deadly if you touched it, there was coal piled up in the attic (???), and the house had been filled with smoke at some point from the heater. He told me that he had been hauling junk out of that house for *months* trying to make it livable, and he had taken out dumpster after dumpster, and he got those huge fifty foot dumpsters. There wasn’t just stuff in the house, there was also scrap metal and cars in the yard, too. So he had spent at least four months cleaning out this house.

He told me that he had been hauling stuff for some other people, I forget who, and he had seen the inside of their house, filled with junk, and filled with black mold, and they had gotten sick from the mold (I’ve experienced that before).

I am glad that I am not those people. There are people who live in ‘sick houses’ for decades and don’t know that they’re sick. They’re too exhausted to do anything to make their lives better. They sit in front of the TV for hours. Eventually, they get on drugs because of heart problems, blood pressure, or other problems. Some of them become obese. They hoard tons of junk and can’t get rid of it. They have no knowledge of environmental illness or contamination.

I am lucky to have my knowledge, even though my knowledge is not generally regarded as true or real or accurate by most other people. I am using my knowledge to help myself. I am not going to be one of the people who dies after decades of living in a sick house filled with junk that has to be sorted out by someone else after I die.

Maybe I have been feeling lucky and optimistic because I really am almost done with my decontamination (with the exception of a few ‘imperfections’ that I will just tolerate). I am nowhere near as crazy as I was before. Even when I do have a manic attack it is much milder and I am less likely to do extremely stupid things.

My life is very hard and I’m not at all lucky in a lot of ways, and I envy people who have lived easier lives, people who have already had their children, people who graduated from college, people who earn enough money and don’t have to work in fast food. But lately I have been perceiving the ways that I am better off than a lot of other people whose lives are much worse than mine. Maybe this perception is temporary, but even so, I am just continuing with my goals, and I will continue to do what I need to do – finish the decontamination, start The Get Rich Quick Project, and save up enough money so that I can do something to change and improve my life. I am an extremely late bloomer.

reading about spectrum analyzers

September 18, 2012

9:22 PM 9/18/2012

Heterodynes: If you generate a particular frequency, then you can listen to other nearby signals at higher or lower frequencies than they are normally sent on…

“It had been noticed some time before that if a regenerative receiver was allowed to go into oscillation, other receivers nearby would suddenly start picking up stations on frequencies different from those that the stations were actually transmitted on. Armstrong (and others) eventually deduced that this was caused by a “supersonic heterodyne” between the station’s carrier frequency and the oscillator frequency. Thus if a station was transmitting on 300 kHz and the oscillating receiver was set to 400 kHz, the station would be heard not only at the original 300 kHz, but also at 100 kHz and 700 kHz.

Armstrong realized that this was a potential solution to the “short wave” amplification problem, since the beat frequency still retained its original modulation, but on a lower carrier frequency. To monitor a frequency of 1500 kHz for example, he could set up an oscillator at, for example, 1560 kHz, which would produce a heterodyne difference frequency of 60 kHz, a frequency that could then be more conveniently amplified by the triodes of the day. He termed this the “Intermediate Frequency” often abbreviated to “IF”.”

So, if people’s brains and bodies radiate signals at a particular frequency, then you can surround the people with a signal, such as a cell phone signal, a background signal, and then go ‘listen’ to whatever a receiver picks up and see how it’s changed or been added to.

I am in a very noisy environment at the moment and for various reasons can’t write as coherently as I’d like to. I was just reading this and had an understanding of how it could be done. I remembered reading that somebody somewhere had discovered that you could use cell phone tower signals to track the movements of human beings within that radio field. It might or might not be the same phenomenon as this, I don’t know. It just reminded me of it. I was just trying to read about spectrum analyzers.

Surprisingly, I can understand a lot of what they’re talking about, because I used Propellerheads Reason in the past, which has synthesizers, and I read all the user manuals that describe how they work.

The Get Rich Quick Project: I got the second personal reference for my job application.

September 16, 2012

I asked him today during a quiet moment. This is someone who I have known, liked, and trusted for many years. I said, ‘I’m kind of embarrassed to ask you this, but…. on my job application, would you mind if I used your name as a personal reference?’ I felt like I was asking for his hand in marriage. It is a great honor to be my personal reference. He said yes, it was okay, and afterwards I felt like I was going to cry.

I had already asked another person to be one of my references. I hate filling out job applications, but I’ve gotten more used to doing it over the years, and I am more casual about it than I used to be – if I don’t have the exact details of every piece of information they ask for, I don’t worry about it as much as I used to. But it makes me anxious to have to get personal references when I am a hermit who doesn’t associate with anybody. I used to ask my landlord, but I am living in a tent right now. So I had to ask someone besides a landlord.

So, I only have to fill in their names and fill out the information as well as I can, and the first job application will be done. If, for some reason, I don’t get this particular job, I will have to try someplace else, and I have a few ideas of where I will try.

If and when I get the job, if I don’t change my mind about this, then it will be the beginning of the Get Rich Quick Project. The Get Rich Quick Project will be a project lasting for several months during which I will work two jobs and save a huge amount of money to be used for an as yet undecided purpose. I have a few things that I could use it for, but I don’t know how much money I will save or which things I will use it for first.

Whenever you save money and try to allocate it for a project, it turns out that actually, no matter how much money you have, you always can think of more things to do with it, and the need for money is infinite. There is always more work to be done on this earth. There is no end to the work that must be done. And so, you cannot have enough money to do every project that you ever will want to do. You have to choose one and skip the other ones.

Straw bales are warm, and bamboo is ‘cool’

September 16, 2012

11:20 PM 9/16/2012

I had forgotten about this, but I found it out again tonight. Bales of straw are warm. I went to Weis after work because I’ve been getting these salads that I like from the deli, the good ones, the ones with the special kind of lettuce, spring mix or whatever, and pumpkin seeds, bleu cheese, dried cranberries, and chicken salad. After I left the store, I sat down on some bales of straw in front of a nearby store, knowing that the straw would at least provide insulation.

It was more than just insulation. It was actively radiating heat. I had forgotten about this, but now that I think about it, I’ve heard about it before. I have heard that bales of hay can create so much heat that they spontaneously combust and cause a fire to start. (I don’t know whether this is actually true. It might be a misunderstanding.) The hay or straw is decaying, which creates heat, and it is very dry. At least, that’s what I remember was supposedly the explanation. I *guess* it could have possibly been residual heat leftover in the straw because it was warm outside today, but I swear I have read that they actively generate heat. Maybe I am remembering wrong.

I am interested in things like this because I want to know how people slept on the ground, and how animals sleep, and how do they insulate themselves against the ground, which is infinitely cold, since I myself get hypothermia every time I sleep with my body directly touching the ground.

Straw is a really good insulator. It is literally a straw. The straw is a tube of dried grass with air inside it. The air doesn’t move or blow away. So straw behaves like styrofoam with its bubbles.

Also, just the other day, someone cut down some tree branches and also some bamboo. We have bamboo growing at several places in Lemont. I think that somebody planted it first, and everyone saw it and decided ‘bamboo is cool,’ and they wanted to plant their own bamboo, so a lot of people copied the first people who had it. It just seems odd that, out of nowhere, there would be a lot of different houses in Lemont that just happen to have bamboo. They didn’t all just read about it separately. I’ve read about it, and it’s viewed as sort of a ‘miracle plant,’ something extremely useful and valuable. It would be popular in someplace like Lemont, which is sort of a ‘hippie’ town or a ‘green’ town – a lot of the people around there are in that sort of culture.

I picked up some of the pieces that were lying on the ground. It is fascinating. It is light, hollow, and extremely strong. I could drill holes in it and make a flute. In some places, it was bent, and where it was bent, the fibers were sticking out, but they were thick, large pieces, like fringes, about a centimeter wide, and they rattled if you bent them and let them spring back. I liked the way it rattled. The rattle could be used as part of a musical instrument.

Obviously, bamboo is able to grow in this climate, in Pennsylvania, so it can grow in a wide variety of places and doesn’t require a tropical climate. I had no knowledge of the climate where bamboo came from, so I never knew that it could grow in someplace like Pennsylvania.

People like bamboo because it grows fast and yet it can be used like wood. So you don’t have to plant trees, wait years for them to grow, and then cut them down. Instead you can plant bamboo, wait a relatively shorter time, and then cut down a plant that isn’t as painful to cut down as a tree would be. It is so strong that it can be used to build small houses, and for many purposes it’s just as good as wood. I think it still takes a while to grow, though – I would have to read about it. But it is viewed as being more ‘sustainable’ than tree cutting.

I felt like there were many things I would be able to make using bamboo. I could make spears, I could make flutes, I could make furniture, I could make houses and strong structures, I could make many different things, and they would all be lightweight yet durable. The air inside the bamboo would provide insulation for a house too, I think.

People also make houses with walls filled with straw bales – it’s one of the environmentally friendly building methods, but you have to get special permission to build houses that way, because it would violate the building codes or zoning laws or whatever. They build them that way in some intentional communities. Meanwhile, everyone else uses that horrible toxic insulation made from mineral fibers or whatever it’s made of, that pink stuff, that stuff that you don’t want to touch, don’t want to get on your skin, don’t want to get in your clothes or you’ll be itching and scratching, don’t want to breathe into your lungs. It’s not as bad as asbestos, but it’s still not really good. It would be better to just use natural materials.

I want to build a natural house someday, but I am not doing that right now, not until the decontamination is finished.

very tired today; finishing a job application

September 16, 2012

2:11 PM 9/16/2012

I am extremely tired today, which might mean that I’m sick.

I have been filling out an application for a job at Weis again. I need to get two references, and I’ve gotten one. I have someone else in mind who I would like to ask but I haven’t talked to him about it yet. There might be someone else who I will ask instead – I’m debating. I just have to feel comfortable.

For a couple nights I heard the sound of the bobcat again, just a couple more times. I heard something like meowing, farther up on the mountain, and then a cat scream. The meow was just a meow over and over again, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, and I’ve heard domestic cats do that too when they’re outside. They’ll just be out there alone in the middle of the yard and just start meowing at nothing. That’s what the bobcat did. But that was a few nights ago, and it hasn’t happened again. I haven’t been scared like I was the first time I heard it.

It will be a few more weeks before I get a second job if I do at all. The only reason why I wouldn’t get one is if I change my mind and give up on trying to get one, which could indeed happen. I still have to finish writing down the job references and then I have to turn it in to them and then wait for a call back and if they take too long to call me, then I’ll call them or go in and talk to them directly, or perhaps I’ll talk to them directly when I turn it in. I know that it’s necessary to go to them and talk to them rather than just passively waiting for them to call. You have to remind them that you exist and that you want the job. You have to make them trouble themselves to make a decision about you face to face.

I’m going to continue working on my decontamination, as always, and I am going to get it done soon for real. I feel tired and discouraged, but it’s really true, this is almost done.

Question: Is tooth pain related to erectile dysfunction?

September 14, 2012

2:34 PM 9/14/2012

An interesting question/anecdote/observation was in the google search terms leading to my blog today. They said, ‘is dental pain related to erectile dysfunction?’

I can see several ways that it might be.

1. You are taking an antidepressant or some other similar drug that causes you to clench your teeth (bruxism). This causes temporary tooth pain. The drug itself causes erectile dysfunction.

2. You are eating or drinking something that is wearing away your teeth, and you have exposed a little bit of a plastic dental filling. The leakage from the plastic dental filling is causing the erectile dysfunction. This can happen if you are drinking a whole lot of soda in a short time (which I was doing a few days ago, which caused my cavities to hurt again).

3. Your antidepressant is causing the ED, and also, the leakage from your dental filling is simultaneously causing the ED. Both are happening at once.

Bruxism in combination with overall teeth weakness, both at the same time, could cause leakage of the plastic dental filling. The fillings are not supposed to ‘leak,’ but in reality, they are always leaching some bisphenol-A into your mouth. Bisphenol-A causes erectile dysfunction.

Tooth pain can be temporary. If you are drinking a lot of Coke, as I was a few days ago, then your cavities will temporarily get worse, and your teeth will hurt. If you then stop drinking the Coke, the cavities will stop hurting, although they will still be there – the teeth will still be damaged and will still have holes in them, but they won’t hurt anymore. I can feel variations in the amount of cavity pain depending on what I’m eating and drinking.

The innermost part of the cavity is able to heal itself. The outer parts of the cavity, the visible hole, will still be there. But the root of the tooth will form a layer of new bone around itself, and it will do this if only you stop eating foods that cause tooth decay, like soda, and eat healthy foods. That new innermost protective layer can form and be broken down and re-form over and over again. The outer parts of the teeth will gradaully be lost to the cavities, but the part of the tooth that actually feels pain is able to heal and protect itself if you stop eating the foods that are causing the cavities and pain.

Cavities do not inevitably, inexorably, unstoppably progress to destroy the root of the tooth. The dentist will tell you that if you get a cavity, your tooth is doomed. But cavities will stop on their own if you stop eating particular foods and start eating healthy foods. The holes do not close up, but the root protects itself, and it is not doomed. The root is able to regrow new bone a short distance around itself. A cavity does not inevitably lead to the total loss of a tooth, and a cavity is not necessarily an urgent emergency that must be fixed before it gets any worse.

I still need to test the Weston Price diet, and there are a lot of precautionary warnings that I would give about it, but even so, it is true that eating a primitive diet like that will stop cavities, and heal the insides of the teeth. There are some foods that are probably too dangerous to use. Cod liver oil, bone marrow, and some other foods, can cause severe side effects and severe food poisoning – I’ve experienced it myself – and yet the people on the Weston Price websites advocate eating these foods, and millions of people on the internet talk about how much they love those foods, so apparently, not everyone has such terrible side effects from eating them. Raw milk can cause intestinal worms. I am still in favor of raw milk being legal, but unfortunately, the last couple times I drank some (from a different farmer, not from the ones I used to buy it from) I got intestinal worms, very small and harmless ones that quickly went away on their own. But I don’t want them, nevertheless. I really want to research the Weston Price diet and make it more usable and more safe. It requires a LOT more troubleshooting.

McDonald’s has been outsourcing its order takers since at least 2005, but I only heard of it recently

September 13, 2012

12:57 PM 9/13/2012

I googled ‘McDonald’s outsourcing order takers’ and found this page:

This page was in 2005. So this idea has been around for several years now, but hasn’t come to our area yet.

One of the commenters said that every time he went through the drive-thru and asked for extra ice, he never got it. That is also true for light ice, probably. We are now using a machine that automatically makes the sodas. When the order gets finished, the soda machine starts automatically making the drinks, and for whatever reason, it isn’t able to add extra ice or light ice. At least, I think ours has a button that says ‘extra ice,’ but not ‘light ice.’ You can type it into the computer when you take the order, but the soda machine will do nothing. It just makes a normal drink. Nobody cares, and there is nothing we can do about this.

It’s this type of thing that makes me angry when they talk about outsourcing our order takers to improve customer service. There are SO MANY THINGS that need to be improved that have nothing to do with the order takers, things like the computer system, the speakers, the machines we use, and so on.

Some of the articles mentioned SEI-CCS Inc., the company that makes McDonald’s computer system. I had heard of them before but had forgotten their name. They are the ones who have made this insanely horrible NewPOS system which gets worse with every update.

It just seems interesting that this was going on in 2005 and I still never heard of it till recently and it still hasn’t come to this area. That suggests to me that it isn’t working very well! But they’re still doing it, because they don’t care if it isn’t working very well, and now they have a bunch of infrastructure sitting there that has to be used, so they use it. But they won’t be building any more stores that are able to do that.

And the idea COULD WORK, too, if only they did particular things, but they are just too stupid and too incompetent to do those things. They would need speakers you can hear through. They would need people who talk with the same regional accent as the people ordering, because it’s hard to understand someone with an accent. They would need computer systems that are fast and easy to use, and they have demonstrated that they are totally incapable of making a computer system that is any good. They would need systems that were reliable, so that they wouldn’t get knocked out every time the power went off or whatever.

They could also just give the order takers a little computer that they could carry around the store with them, without outsourcing the people to a call center, and let them take the orders from wherever they are standing. So I could be in the grill area making sandwiches and I could pause and take someone’s order on my little ipod ordering screen or something.

Other commenters on here suggested just making people press the buttons on the screen themselves, like at Sheetz, which I agree with.

I’m not very focused right now and don’t have a lot to say, so I will just post this.

I am enjoying the ArcticPhoto website

September 11, 2012

I’ve been looking at this site for hours today and yesterday. You can clearly see the well-developed faces of the primitive people eating healthy food and living a healthy lifestyle. They have the ‘Weston Price faces.’ They are not narrow and deformed, their nostrils are wide, their teeth are straight, their cheekbones are pronounced (although this is also somewhat a racial feature – even if other races eat healthy diets they don’t have cheekbones as pronounced as some of these races do). I need to look at something beautiful and healthy to give me something to hope for and look forward to. I always love the sight of beautiful, healthy, natural people.