Archive for March, 2011

mania continuing; song fragments and remakes; bookkeeping is a miracle and I’m going to do it

March 31, 2011

10:38 PM 3/31/11

I’m still having a reaction, but it’s not to the stuff that was on Chris. This is my McD uniform. Some parts of it still have SJW on them and need to either be washed again very thoroughly, or replaced. For the past couple days it’s been a combination of something like ovulation and mania at the same time.

I was singing ‘Baby you’re a firework’ at the top of my voice on the way home in the car. It came on just as I was almost home. I was flipping through the stations. I don’t listen to the radio because I like what’s on the radio. I listen to it because I have to change the song that ‘they’ are forcing me to hear in my head for hours and hours and hours, and it’s often a song that I hate, and they play it because it has a line or two with a ‘meaning’ that is relevant to something going on. They were playing, over and over again, something about ‘all my secrets,’ and it’s one of those songs where I can’t hear the words and don’t want to, because the melody is annoying and I don’t want to waste my time with it. This was supposedly because I had written to RDL and told him ‘all my secrets’ or some other stupid thing like that, so I had to hear some song playing in my head all day long that I hated. So that is usually the reason why I turn on the radio, to make the song go away that they are playing in my head over and over. Songs do not get stuck in your head naturally. It is an electronic attack.

Anyway my mania feels like that song. I loved that song the first time I heard it. There is a suspected LSI co-worker (female) who said, ‘I’m so sick of hearing that song,’ and I said to the guy next to me, (while the LSI girl could hear me) ‘How could anybody not like that song?’ because he had just said he liked it. I don’t usually say anything rude or judgmental like that, but I blurted it out. I don’t want to put her down, and that was definitely a put down, and it was not like me. I had been in a bad mood that day. It was shortly after, or during, the Curtis incident from a few weeks ago.

I became even more manic at work today. There was a specific reason why. Not only was I having a reaction for hours and hours because of my uniform, but also, during the slow time when there weren’t any orders, I started googling something on my iPod. I was researching the fees that bookkeepers charge.

It turns out that bookkeeping is one of those secret miracles that I wish I had known about a couple decades ago. Why don’t they teach this in school? It should be taught to everybody. I mistakenly viewed it as an LSI job for years and years (back when I was calling it an ISTJ instead of LSI), and then only recently found out it is an SLI job (I’m sure LSI’s can do it, but I thought it was a job that specifically ONLY THE LSI could do, and that was the mistake. I thought everyone else would find it unbearable, especially an ISTP.). Not only is there a web page saying that they have actually found ISTPs doing bookkeeping in the real world (this was a website where they wrote down types of jobs that real people were doing, according to their personality type), but also, I have done it myself, and it is extremely easy and enjoyable, and I can do it for hours and hours and hours. Bookkeeping is a job where you can start doing it with no education except a Schaum’s Outline, and then, they have some free certifications online (that was part of what cranked up the mania), and then, you can charge like $50 an hour to do it, to do an easy job that’s extremely fun and satisfying, like playing a computer game, which requires only minimal basic math skills. You can do it from home, and there is no infrastructure and no overhead cost, except for simply paying the rent on the place where you already live.

And it is something that the world needs an infinite amount of. Wherever there is money, there is bookkeeping. Wherever there is profit and loss, there is bookkeeping. It might seem like a competitive job that lots of people are doing, instead of a unique, scarce market niche, but it’s not like that. The job is so valuable and so badly needed that it doesn’t matter that everyone else has already figured out that bookkeeping jobs are a miracle, and you’re the last one to figure this out (the last one to get on the gravy train, lol – actually, it probably won’t be as much of a miraculous gravy train as I’m imagining – this is the mania talking), and everyone else has already taken all the clients from you.

I am going to start in an informal way, by doing something simple like helping Grandma balance her checkbook and pay her bills. I am not going to be helping a business to do anything complicated yet, although I do know how to do some of that stuff. I am going to start small. ‘Helping Grandma’ is just my mental image of which kind of person I will be working with. (I don’t have any living grandmothers.) I’m sure there are little old ladies out there who don’t know how to balance the checkbook after their husband dies, because my mom told me that, when my grandfather died, my grandmother didn’t know how to do the checkbook by herself. I’m sure this happens to other people. There will also be young people and people of all ages who don’t know how to do it, don’t like math, don’t have time, or whatever.

So I am not even going to officially do ‘real’ bookkeeping in the beginning. I am just going to gain confidence by helping ordinary neighbors do very small tasks, while I also keep on learning how to do more stuff. And I was excited to find the free online certification for bookkeeping. I’ll get that. ‘Bookkeeping’ and ‘accounting’ are not the same thing. Accounting is the one that requires a license and college education and all that. Bookkeeping is the low-level stuff that anybody can do and you don’t need to have a license to call yourself a bookkeeper. Anybody can call themselves a bookkeeper without getting in trouble for it. It’s the same as not needing a license to call yourself a secretary, or something. A bookkeeper is nothing. And yet, for ‘nothing,’ it’s an extremely valuable, high-paying service that an SLI can enjoy doing.

That was what cranked up the mania even more while I was at work. I was excitedly looking at the rates that bookkeepers usually charge, and the free online certification (which would help me feel confident, and find out if there were any areas of knowledge that I needed to learn more about).

I wanted to remake ‘Firework’ by transposing it down to my lower singing range, and I would have all the instruments be acoustic instead of electronic. I sometimes say that I can’t sing, but I *kind of* can sing, it’s just not very pleasant when I sing at higher pitches and my voice is dry, wispy, and nasal, instead of rich and strong. My voice is much richer when I sing alto, not soprano. The other thing is that I have high standards of what is a ‘good’ singing voice, whereas, on the radio, lots of mediocre singers are getting away with it (especially when they do rap, ugh).

So I was fantasizing that I could work from home and also start writing music again and I’d buy ‘Record’ from Propellerheads (because I already have Reason, although not the latest version, but I have enough), and then I’d record my own songs. Then, after getting more money, I’d write songs for acoustic instruments and have them recorded in a good place instead of a junky little home studio (which doesn’t exist yet). It doesn’t matter if I can sing or not, because I would happily hire someone else to do the singing. I just want them to sing the songs that I’ve written. I don’t write words. It would just be wordless sounds. I could cooperate with someone else who was able to write words for songs. If I were working from home and making lots of money, and cutting back my hours at my ‘real’ job (though I would stay, because I like the social environment and the people), then I’d be able to write lots of music for real. I wouldn’t have a bunch of unfinished song fragments sitting around the way I do now.


March 31, 2011

a symphony of grief

the angel lands.
have you seen my husband? you have not seen him?
i am tangled in the net, and he is in the world.
gently untangle me, i am scared to go out,
for i am nothing.

Weston Price, for anyone who doesn’t feel like googling it

March 30, 2011

This shows some of the photographs from the book.

I should mention that I don’t unconditionally believe EVERY SINGLE THING that all of the Weston Price followers believe, and I don’t believe every single thing mentioned on the PPNF page. I was looking through that page and saw some things that I disagree with. I don’t think it’s good to take cod liver oil, for instance – I’ve tried some of these things and had bad reactions to them. I usually react badly to anything that’s been concentrated and put into pill form. Also, you have to be cautious about how you eat some of the things that the book, and the website, and the followers, talk about, for instance, bone marrow, which I will never stop mentioning, because many different people talk about eating that. It will cause extremely severe vomiting, among other things.

I don’t unquestioningly believe every single word of it all. However, I do believe in the general idea: that a particular type of nutrition will strongly contribute to preventing deformities in your children, and also, that you must avoid environmental poisons (and figure out what those poisons are!). The main idea is that those deformities are not genetic. They are caused by the environment, and by malnutrition, and they are preventable.

let them outnumber the culture that i loathe

March 30, 2011

11:17 PM 3/30/11

I have a high tolerance for talking just to hear myself talk. I was playing my videos and looking at my photos again. I am fascinated with myself. I see myself as strangely beautiful, ugly and gross, deformed, sometimes majestic and dignified, hideous, ridiculous, perfect, amazing. I love the sight of my own image and I love to watch myself talking. I also have grown to love the dreadlocks. They look like camouflage. They look like twisted tree branches or vines. They look like part of the trees and woods behind me. They look like the hair of the Ents in Lord of the Rings. They look mystical and fascinating and strange. And, this is really gross, but I finally figured out what else they remind me of. You know how when a cat barfs up a hairball, and it’s this tangle of wet matted hair wadded up. My dreadlocks look just like that. Go look at a cat barf hairball someday and you’ll see what I mean.

I think people are going to remember that I said that.

Watching my own videos and looking at my own pictures is somehow satisfying and comforting. It’s like saying, I exist. Other people might call it narcissistic or ‘vain.’ I remember that my mom told me I was vain, when I was a young child and she noticed that I always watched myself in the mirror whenever I walked past it.

It’s true that I do talk just to hear myself talk. I’ve been writing blogs for years and I don’t ask for many comments, though I do get a rare occasional comment now and then. It’s mostly just to hear myself talk. I’m glad that people are reading (my blog stats show a steady trickle of people every day), but it isn’t really interactive.

I get kind of scared when people do answer me back. I got scared and overwhelmed when I went to the typology central forum and people instantly answered everything I said. Suddenly I had to be careful about what I said. I had to think about how people were going to react to it. I had to think about what people wanted to hear or didn’t want to hear. In my blog, I write whatever I want to write, and people can simply choose to ignore it if they don’t want to bother with it. My blogs are usually too long-winded, sloppy-grammared, and talking about nothing in particular, so you can just quickly scan through the paragraphs and see at a glance if anything interesting is going on. Every once in a while I write a post that is actually a good read, a well written piece, but usually it’s just lots and lots of words.

What would I change about the way I look?

I would make sure that, during and before pregnancy, my mom would eat the right foods so that she would be properly nourished, and also, she might want to relocate to a healthy location without pollution or poisons. I don’t know exactly what it was that caused me to develop the Weston Price jaw deformity. But I have it. (Mom tells me that she had too much morning sickness while pregnant with me, so she ate almost nothing but Pop-Tarts and Coca-Cola, because that was all she could stand.) I have a very long, narrow face, and my lower jaw is very small. My nostrils are narrow, as described by Weston Price, instead of broad and flared the way they are supposed to be. My voice is nasal and stuffy-sounding because of the narrow, deformed sinuses. My teeth were maloccluded, and I got braces. If I could do it again, I would choose not to get the braces or have any teeth removed. I didn’t have a choice. It was done to me before the age of consent, and it never occurred to anybody that I might want my four permanent teeth back, and also my four wisdom teeth.

If I could change the way I look, I would also make sure that I never, ever plucked my eyebrows. It’s not mom’s fault – nobody ever taught her how to question the mainstream grooming rules. But she was the one who taught me that I should pluck my eyebrows over the bridge of the nose to make sure that there wasn’t any hair there, and also to thin down the eyebrows because thick eyebrows are bad. So I plucked them down to almost nothing, for years and years, and this gave my eyebrow hairs permanent scar tissue at the roots, from all the yanking and plucking, so that the hairs never grew back and never will. Some of the hair grew back, and some of it didn’t. So I would change that if I could – I would want to get back all of the eyebrow hairs that were permanently destroyed.

Would I get rid of the mustache? No, I actually like it. I like natural hair so much, on both men and women, that I feel that the whiskers add something interesting to my face. I have extra details that other people don’t have. There’s something else there to look at and touch.

If my face were healthy and undamaged, then I would like everything about the way that I look. It’s hard to convey to anybody how it feels to be obsessed with natural hair, to love it as much as I do, to have this desperate longing to see more hair on more people, but instead, every day, to walk through the world and be constantly frustrated because something is missing. Most people just don’t feel that way, or aren’t aware of it.

I’ll upload the photos and videos sometime this week, I think.

The ‘beliefs cluster’: I should go find this quote so that I can show it to you. There is a group of beliefs that tend to occur together. It is associated with my personality type, and I think it’s part of the self-preservation instinctual subtype. There was a lady on the dreadlockssite forum who started a topic called something like, ‘Do you call yourself a “hippie?”‘ She said that she doesn’t call herself a hippie, and then, she listed everything from my beliefs cluster, as though she had taken the words right out of my mouth. She didn’t mention being anti-circumcision, but I’m sure if I talked to her and mentioned it, she would say yes to that too.

The belief cluster is something you find if you look up one of the beliefs on the web. If you read about one of them, inevitably you will see links to other pages talking about the rest of them. If you read about breastfeeding, chances are that you will see links to pages about co-sleeping, attachment parenting, cloth diapers, baby-carrying instead of putting them in strollers, and so on. The beliefs link together on the web. If you find one of them, you are likely to find the rest of them.

She listed everything: not seeing yourself as a ‘hippie’ because the connotations of that word are negative to you; natural childbirth, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing (this is close, but not exactly, what I want – I see people with those slings and the baby in it and I actually don’t like that, I would want to merely carry the baby in my arms and not have it in a sling at all, but maybe I’ll change my mind about that after holding my heavy baby for a few hours every day – although the baby might learn to hang onto my hair so I won’t have to hold its weight – we’ll find out whether that’s practical or not – it might break my neck! – but I believe dreadlocks were made for carrying babies), homeschooling, washable cloth diapers (I was intrigued with the kai dang ku pants (did I say that right? it’s Chinese) where the pants are open at the crotch and the child just pees and poops freely without any diapers at all – why bother wearing any pants then? but they do, it keeps them warm – I was intrigued by the idea of simply letting the child go wherever and you clean up after it, and avoid using any diapers at all, and just get used to the harmless bodily fluids that our culture is afraid of – anyway, the point is, I go so far as to say ‘no diapers at all’ instead of just cloth diapers, but if I had them wearing diapers, they would be cloth), and a couple other things that I can’t remember offhand. It was all of my beliefs cluster about the right things to do and the healthy way to live and raise children.

I can’t wait to create new children and do the best I can to protect their bodies and use all of the knowledge that I have gained over all these years. Childbirth might be a disaster for me. I am 36, the age when women’s childbirth becomes more and more difficult. I might start having twins, for instance, which are more difficult and dangerous. I might have mentally retarded children. I don’t know what will happen, but I am going to try anyway.

I also want to remove my plastic dental fillings from my teeth before I get pregnant. And I want to get rid of all the drug residues in my belongings. I will do what I can.

And I want to get a job working from home, working independently, being self-employed, so that I can earn money (so that my husband doesn’t have to earn ALL the money, and we won’t have as many fights and arguments or physical violence and abuse and dependency) and also take care of the children the way I believe they should be taken care of, because I don’t believe in putting them in daycare, and I don’t want to put them in public school (although I might *possibly* break down and give in on that one, but I won’t be happy about it) – the only thing I like about public school is the fact that the kids get to socialize and meet large numbers of people of all kinds, while, if they are homeschooled, even if you and a group of other parents are all homeschooling together, which is what I would want to do, still, that would be a smaller number of people. They wouldn’t meet the hundreds and hundreds of kids that they meet in public school. They would only meet a few dozen other kids.

I have all these beliefs and plans and opinions about what’s good and what’s bad to do. I want to use that knowledge.

I’m sorry for saying this, but I have to say, thanks to Julian Simon, because I do not feel guilty about having children. I used to think it was wrong to have children and burden the world with them. I don’t see it that way anymore. Not only that, but it makes me feel even more sure about it when I think about the fact that MY culture is having more children than ‘THEIR’ culture is having, and I like my culture better, so if my children gradually outnumber their children, as ‘they’ voluntarily stop themselves from having children, then so much the better. So I want to pass on a good culture to my children, who will pass it on to their children, and let them outnumber the culture that I loathe, so that a good culture will gradually replace it.

There are also people who live in such an unhealthy way that they become infertile and aren’t able to have children. Many people have problems with infertility, when they ought to be fertile. (It’s usually because of drugs, but not always.) I have knowledge about how to troubleshoot infertility. I can’t troubleshoot ALL kinds of infertility, but I can troubleshoot some of it.

Having children gives me the chance to make myself all over again without the mistakes. Some people worry if you say things like that – they say, you’ll have unrealistic expectations of your children – you’ll expect them to be perfect and to do all the things you never did. But that’s not what I mean. I mean, I have gathered a lot of knowledge about how to troubleshoot and prevent problems, and I want to try that and see if it works. I’m sure that at least SOME of it will really work for real.

Anyway I guess that’s enough for now. I’ll probably write more stuff later.

That wasn’t an emotional reaction; photos and videos at Fisherman’s paradise; dreadlocks and hair; long hair is ‘creepy’; what I think is introverted sensing

March 30, 2011

2:17 PM 3/30/11

No, that wasn’t an emotional reaction.

There would be people who look at what I wrote, and they would interpet it as my having an emotional reaction because of the text message that was accidentally sent to me by Chris. Yes, chronologically, the crying and wailing and all that was after I had received the message.

That is not the same as my kind of emotional reaction. I have had emotional reactions before. I have been devastated with grief. It has no resemblance to what I was doing last night. (taking one step and lifting my foot way up and slowly putting it down in slow motion while shaking and trembling and flapping my hands and wailing and having heart palpitations).

When I have a truly emotional reaction, it is very different from that. It happened a while back when Curtis sent me a text message that either 1. I misunderstood, or 2. ‘they’ wrote the message instead of Curtis himself writing it. Curtis was totally bewildered when he saw me later on and I was reacting strangely, and he hadn’t meant to send me a ‘rejection.’

Whatever it was, I understood it as a rejection. I had been friends with Curtis for over a year and had seen him every day at work and was bonded with him.

When I was devastated by that rejection, I cried and cried for hours, producing real tears and lots of them, until my nose was so stuffy and I had to blow my nose. My chest hurt so badly it felt like my heart and the whole middle of my chest was crushed. I recognized ’emotional pain’ and ‘grief’ and ‘rejection’ as a physical feeling in my body, and it was not at all the same as what I was doing last night.

When I was heartbroken, I didn’t make any effort to ‘repress’ the feeling, and I didn’t ‘fail to recognize an emotion for what it was,’ or any such thing. I clearly recognized that I was feeling grief and agony and was heartbroken and devastated. There was no repression and there was no problem of ‘repressed feelings coming out as physical symptoms.’ It was clearly grief and it was being expressed directly as grief and I knew that’s what it was.

Chris is someone who I barely know and didn’t have strong feelings for. I never saw him before last night, except in photos. We haven’t bonded and I haven’t invested much emotion in this relationship. I also don’t find his body physically attractive, because there are two physical characteristics that I am strongly sexually attracted to: 1. guys who are very skinny, or else adolescents, and 2. long hair and beards.

Chris isn’t either of those things. With Chris, it’s disappointing, but not a big deal. What’s more frustrating to me is that it’s hard to meet the right people. But that’s not about Chris in particular. I am not so much grieving and in agony because of having invested a huge amount of hope and love into the relationship and then having it all destroyed – it doesn’t feel like that at all. It felt exactly like the purely physical sicknesses that I have from other drug residues. It was not a ‘repressed emotion showing physical symptoms’ or anything like that.

On a totally different subject, I went to Fisherman’s Paradise yesterday and took pictures of myself. I also made a video of myself talking about how I can’t actually make this video because I’m not ready to give the speech that I wanted to give. So it’s a video about not making a video, basically. I should title it ‘I’m not making this video’ or something. Or ‘this video doesn’t exist.’ Or whatever.

I just started using ‘introverted sensing’ and complaining about how this isn’t the right spot for me to sit down, I shouldn’t do this while walking, I’m not comfortable, I’m too cold, I feel anxious sitting here, blah blah, I can’t make the video here, I’m not ready yet, I’m not able to do this, and so on. It seemed sort of like introverted sensing, but I make a lot of mistakes when I try to identify which function is being used.

There was a scowl between my eyebrows much of the time, I noticed. It seems like a scowl of doubt and worry. It was also a squint because of the bright sunlight in my face. That scowl sometimes goes away, but it has left a permanent wrinkle embedded in my skin. I also accidentally took a close-up photo of my crow’s feet eye wrinkles, the laughter-and-squinting lines, because the camera was zoomed in when I aimed it at myself, so there is an extreme close-up of the 36-year-old eye wrinkle. (This is one of those days when I don’t like being a Three. I don’t like Threes very much today and I’m sick of seeing them all over the place. Where are all the other enneagram types?)

A couple things bothered me in the video and photos, so I won’t do those things next time I make a video. It bothered me when my hair was hanging down around my face. I kept wanting to push it back out of the way. This is like watching Justin Bieber and wanting to brush his hair away off his eyebrows. (He’s cut his hair now, which is even worse. Wrong way to go, Justin! You should have parted it in the middle, or at least on the side, and brushed it out of your face instead of cutting it… but who am I to tell you what to do with your hair?) I also had a Bad Whisker Day, where one of the whiskers on the left side of my mustache was pointing outwards to the side, like a handlebar mustache. I kept wanting to brush it down in line with the other whiskers. So I will check for those kind of things before making another video.

I can’t do anything about the bald spot on the right temple of my head. There is hardly any hair there, and it’s been that way for quite a few years now, and it’s only on the right side. I don’t know if it’s traction alopecia from how I restrained my hair years ago (barrettes? ponytails? don’t know), or if it’s related to my dental fillings on that side. With the dreadlocks, the bald spot is visible.

There is one huge monster lock developing there over my right ear, then just a couple more thin locks above. The monster lock is forming because the hair falls out and joins the lock from many places around the big lock, where the hair is balding – I think that short hairs grow there, and then fall out, and the short fallen-out hairs merge into the monster lock.

I have a couple monster locks, two of them, on the back of my head, which I think are probably caused by my braiding my hair and keeping it often tied back for work. I can’t do anything about that – I have to keep it restrained for work. None of the locks on the left side of my head are the ‘congo’ monster locks – they are all small and medium sized and they don’t join with each other. The left side of my hair has always been more manageable than the right side, back when I used to style my hair.

I can see the spiral of my hair too, which way the hairs grow around the spiral. It’s more visible with the locks, because the locks form around the spiral and they try to face the direction of the spiral. I have some locks at the top back of my head which want to hang forwards, but are hanging back because of gravity, and you can see which way the roots of the hair are growing.

I wanted some more pictures of my dreadlocks. I have older pictures where my hair is long and loose, but not many recent pictures with dreadlocks. I took some pictures using the phone, but I’m not using the phone much because it costs $30 a month to buy a Straight Talk card, and I have nobody to text, and I don’t like texting (Chris’s message went to my old tracfone, the one that is able to receive messages but can’t send them because of an unexplained glitch that tech support can’t fix). And the ones on the phone were terrible quality, and I felt that I disliked the bad quality photos so much that I just didn’t enjoy taking photos at all. I was always pleased with the photos from my real camera. So I got that out and used it again.

It’s strange how someone can be humble and humiliated, but also proud of something and feeling superior, at the same time. Superior, and inferior, feel almost exactly the same. You feel inferior but tell yourself that you’re feeling superior. You feel judged by other people, but you are also judging them. This is how my dreadlocks make me feel. I know that they are gross and disgusting by mainstream standards, but at the same time, I feel that they are a high achievement for me, even though they are not understood by mainstream society. I am achieving something in a different market niche. I am not achieving something that the mainstream values.

(I wrote about RDL in the previous post, about how he believes in peak oil. He himself would feel frustrated because people don’t listen to him, since he doesn’t have the social status that they will listen to. Meanwhile, he is also reflecting that feeling towards others, so that other people don’t have enough social status to tell him what to believe. He is powerless to influence people to stop using gasoline (or whatever, that’s just an example, I don’t know what he really would say), but meanwhile, a blog reader like myself feels the same powerless/inferior feeling when trying to convince HIM to change his mind about something. This is all part of my extremely negative and cynical ‘everybody is an untrustworthy, backstabbing, enneagram Three today!’ feeling.)

So I accept the way I look with dreadlocks, although I actually don’t think I look very pretty. This is when I say ‘it’s not about image.’ I have reasons why I say these things and do these things.

If everyone worries about what they’re going to look like, because of this or that tiny imperfection, then we end up with the horribly boring and unsatisfying world that we live in right now, where everybody shaves their heads and their faces and everybody is terrified of going bald and women are terrified that their long hair looks ‘creepy’ when their hair grows an inch below mid-back (what? wth? I know, right? They say it looks ‘creepy’ to have hair just a couple inches longer than mid-back! What the hell is ‘creepy’ about that? Where did the word ‘creepy’ come from, and how did it get associated with the image of a woman whose hair is longer than mid-back??? The only thing that I ever heard anyone say is that it reminds them of the lady on The Addams Family, and in that respect, it’s ‘creepy’ because The Addams Family is ‘creepy.’), and terrified that they have ‘split ends’ when actually the hair is merely tapering to a point, and so on.

When everyone is terrified about how they are going to look, the world is a very unsatisfying place where I don’t see ANYTHING that I like to look at or touch!

So in my strange, twisted way, I am doing my part to make this place a more beautiful and satisfying world to live in, even though it might not seem like that.

So then I loaded the pictures onto the netbook, which will be able to connect with wi-fi to put them on the net. I also have a video where I was driving to West Virginia in the night, in December 2010, and I stopped at a rest stop. A large part of the video shows nothing but blackness with my voice talking, so that video should be very entertaining, lol. I had the lights off and was sitting in my car in the dark while doing the video. Then I have some videos of Dad making hamburgers in the snow. I thought those videos were cute. He wasn’t actually ‘making them in the snow.’ He was using a grill, on the front porch, while it was snowing, instead of frying hamburgers directly on the snow or whatever that grammatical construction made it sound like he was doing.

I never uploaded the naked videos. But if you want to see them, just send me your credit card numbers and your address and I’ll mail them to you. They’re pretty boring, actually. (I am just kidding by the way. I do really have some naked videos. But if someone actually sent me their credit card numbers, I wouldn’t even know what to do with them. How exactly would I *use* someone’s credit card numbers? I would have to use them someplace where you just type in the numbers, maybe for an online purchase or something. And I probably wouldn’t have key pieces of information that I would need to use that person’s credit card numbers.) I’m not sure I want to be mailing out my naked videos to people who are mailing me their credit card numbers. But I will be uploading non-naked videos. And maybe sometime I will put up non-sexual nude pictures, because I am a nudist.

The speech I was thinking that I should give is a speech about the evolution of long hair in humans. There are a few common fallacies that people have about evolution, where they often make evolution sound almost exactly like intelligent design. So I would work around those fallacies as well as I could. I was thinking about introverted sensing, and how I defaulted to that when I didn’t know what to say and I was embarrassed and anxious in the video – ‘I can’t do this while I’m walking,’ etc. The speech would be about extraverted logic: how stuff happens. There would be a little bit of introverted logic: what are the principles behind this. (again, don’t take my word on what functions I’m using, because I’m not very good at recognizing functions yet.) I don’t know if I want to get into it right now, because the speech would require some serious planning and preparation.

So I was thinking, in order to show my true strength, how might I make a video that shows my introverted sensing in use? (instead of a speech that uses logic.) Something that directly engages and challenges introverted sensing. I don’t mean doing a juggling demonstration or something like that (I never learned to juggle very well, but I tried.) How could I challenge my particular style of introverted sensing, in a video, to demonstrate what introverted sensing looks like?

The ‘logic’ of evolution is serving the needs of my introverted sensing, to see and touch long hair. I would be using it to explain WHY I feel the need to see and touch long hair, why is this necessary, why is this instinctive, why is this programmed into my brain and body, why have I felt this way my entire life since childhood even though nobody ever explicitly taught me or told me to feel this way?

For nobody did ever teach me to love long hair. I loved long hair when I was in kindergarten. I learned how to pet the soft fur of cats and dogs, and it seemed normal to want to pet the soft fur of humans, and how can anybody pet something that doesn’t have any fur? And how come large numbers of people are totally oblivious to a need for long hair, while other minorities of people experience a desperate, intense, starving need for it, so that it gets called a ‘sexual fetish,’ because not everyone feels that way or feels it this intensely?

A bad reaction with strange symptoms; untrustworthy backstabbers; planning the future of income and expenses; a cynical view that I hope goes back to normal soon

March 30, 2011

11:56 AM 3/30/11

Well, it’s probably going to be harder than usual for me to communicate clearly today. I met Chris yesterday in person. I predicted that I would react to his drugs and I was right, I did react very badly, but not until several hours after seeing him. It probably would have been all right, except that I hugged him goodbye, and then we talked for a few more minutes, and I hugged him goodbye a second time – so I had two exposures to his body and clothing – and then he gave me a book to borrow and a crystal, both of which I will have to give back to him. So I have touched this book and the crystal as well.

I didn’t do my official decontamination shower afterwards. I sat in the tub, but that doesn’t count. When you sit in the tub, it just spreads drug residues around in the bathwater. I wasn’t that worried about it at that time. It was a couple hours later that I started having problems.

I was going deeper and deeper into misery and grief as the night went on. I had been reading something online, but started to feel like I just couldn’t handle it anymore, so I laid down in bed. I started wanting to cry, and feeling like I was going to throw up. Then I started doing bizarre behavior, like walking hunched over, while taking one tiny step slowly, and then another tiny step slowly, lifting each foot up and then placing it down and barely being able to move. I started flapping my hands and arms around while crying and wailing. I was shaking and trembling, all of my body, my arms and legs, and I would stop for a few seconds and just stand there shaking and crying, in between each step that I took while walking hunched over. I had this tickly, electric feeling inside my stomach which made me almost vomit. Then my heart was beating strangely, too fast or with arrhythmia or something, and I felt dizzy.

I am familiar with this behavior because I have done it several times before, and it is either a drug reaction or hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) and I’m not sure which one. I have a blood sugar tester, but I didn’t have the presence of mind to go find it and use it last night. So the first thing I did was drink the rest of the orange juice in the little bottle that I had bought earlier that day, and I also drank some water.

I got in the shower and did an official decontamination shower. I scrubbed out the bottom of the bathtub with Comet scouring cleanser. I kept repeating, out loud, quietly, over and over, ‘get through tonight, get through tonight, get through tonight, get through tonight…’ I was talking out loud to myself in a crying, hysterical voice and saying, ‘are you going to the hospital? it’s as bad as I said it would be, it’s as bad as I said it would be, it’s as bad as I said it would be!’

After the shower, I got back in bed after putting a fresh piece of paper on top of the bed (I have this paper that I put down which I just throw away if I get anything on it that I’m having a reaction to). After lying there for a while, still trembling, with the light on overhead so I wouldn’t be scared, I had my eyes open and I was staring at the muscle of my right arm. The muscle was twitching and twitching and twitching all by itself for a while. Eventually I fell back asleep and woke up feeling almost okay again. But I felt sick at my stomach and didn’t want to eat anything. I ate a little spoonful of sugar in case I did have low blood sugar.

This morning after I finally got up, I started handling my spiral notebook and pen, where I was writing out the draft of an advertisement that I was working on. But I think that I had touched the spiral notebook and the pen last night after seeing Chris, I’m pretty sure I did. I started having a reaction again shortly after handling the pen and paper. I became unable to think. My thoughts in my head just stopped and I couldn’t think of anything at all. I sat there motionless and staring at nothing for a long time. I was unable to force myself to move. As soon as I noticed this reaction, I remembered that I had touched the pen and notebook last night, so I wiped off the pen over and over again with one of my wipes that I bought the other day (I went a while without having any).

After my experiences, I now believe that ‘obsessive compulsive behavior’ is a genuinely helpful, useful, appropriate response to the presence of real contamination. Cleaning something off ten times in a row is the appropriate thing to do when tiny quantities of a drug or poison residue can totally incapacitate you.

So it took several hours before the withdrawal symptoms began, and it was mostly the withdrawal that gave me the problems, and not so much the reaction to the drug itself.

Seeing Chris again is out of the question – or rather, I will give him back his book and crystal, but won’t be spending time with him.

In addition to that disaster (which I had known would probably happen), he did something enneagram-Three-ish. I don’t know if this was a genuine accident, or whether ‘they’ urged him to make this mistake. But, he accidentally sent me a text message which was meant for some other friend, after I went home. He said something unkind and backstabbing and cruel about me, to his other friend. And the message went to my phone, but it was referring to me in the third person (‘she’) and it was obviously not meant for me to read.

My reaction to this was numbness and resignation. I said, don’t take it personally – there was nothing to gain by reacting to it and getting upset. We will just go our separate ways and that is all. However, the bad feeling wouldn’t go away, because I was having the drug reaction.

‘They’ had been asking me if I was a Nine recently, and I had also been thinking Chris was a Nine, but this morning, ‘we’ decided that both Chris and I are Threes.

It was this morning that I started to understand those little images that people have in the forums, where it says ‘Haters gonna hate,’ and it shows some person doing something which would be viewed as ridiculous or humiliating or laughed at. I never really understood those before. It means, no matter what you do, somebody somewhere will hate you. You can try to conform to the most mainstream standards possible, if you want to reduce the number of people who hate you, but usually there will be a few things you don’t have control over (for instance, severe obesity), and so, no matter how hard you try, somebody somewhere will hate you just because you are what you are. Or you might not like the idea of ‘conforming to the mainstream standard for the purpose of making fewer people hate you,’ and so you just try to be what you are. So that’s what ‘haters gonna hate’ means.

The judging actually went both ways and was perfectly reflected off both of us. I thought that HE smelled horrible. There was some kind of sickening perfume on his clothing or coming off his skin, and some of it might have been because of the drugs he uses. This particular perfume was nauseating, cloying, and revolting. It was kind of like perfumed vomit. He didn’t like the way I smelled either.

He also complained that I had a mustache, which was a surprise to him, although I had told him that I have dreadlocks and I don’t shave. (I didn’t say this to him, but, of course, I don’t like it that his hair is short and he shaves his face.)

As always, there is some kind of ‘exception to the rule’ instead of a ‘unified, consistent principle.’ As always, it’s okay not to shave SOME things, but NOT OKAY to not shave OTHER things. And there will always be some specific thing which, for some reason, is an exception to the rule. They might gradually accept one small thing after another, but each new thing is a new unthinkable and impossible thing. Ignorance never ends. Ignorance is always new and infinite, and clueless newbies will always appear to replace the old formerly clueless newbies that you taught something to yesterday. The Frequently Asked Questions are there for that reason. They might finally understand that it’s okay to stop shaving your legs, BUT IT’S UNTHINKABLE to stop shaving the hair between your eyebrows (for example), because that would be a unibrow and unibrows are unthinkable and unibrows are an exception to the universal rule of ‘don’t shave ANYTHING.’ For some reason, this particular thing doesn’t fall into the universal category of ‘anything and everything.’ This one exception is always ‘something else.’ They don’t understand the principle applies to everything without any particular exceptions.

And I myself didn’t know that either. Remember, the other day I wrote about how ‘they’ suggested one further step after another to me, suggested that I try this or that to take my hair and grooming rules to their ‘logical extreme.’ Going to the logical extreme never occurs to anyone on their own unless someone else has noticed that a universal principle exists and that there is something to be gained by applying this universal principle.

So, neither of us liked the other’s hair and grooming methods. This was unfortunate, because he had said in email that he liked dreadlocks and liked it when women don’t shave… so it seemed as though he might be more tolerant.

I’m still going to be having some reactions to things for a few days while I wipe off all the surfaces that I touched after touching him. He was the last straggler out of the people who had responded to my ad. I never thought the ad was a good idea in the first place, but it was one of those things I was forced to do, and they never let me express what I really think and feel and want, and they never let me follow the goals that I believe are appropriate for me, using my own strategy. So the ads didn’t work out at all, which is what normally happens when I try to meet people by using either dating websites or Craigslist ads. Being forcibly prevented from telling the truth about what I want, and being forcibly prevented from using the strategies that I think are appropriate, keeps me from meeting anyone at all who is capable of understanding me.

This morning, while lying in bed thinking all this over, I thought of RDL again. I could see him differently. There are some things I never noticed before. He is trying to make a lot of money so that he can go traveling, and he wonders whether it’s worthwhile to go to college and get a degree so that he can make more money in the future, but he will be at risk of not being able to pay off the college debt and having someone garnish his wages. He wants to go to college and get a degree in geography, which would lead to jobs where he gets paid to go traveling, a job where they pay you to do something that you would happily pay someone to let you do. (That’s always what they say about jobs. It’s a good job, if they pay you to do something that you enjoy so much, you’d pay to do it.)

I disagree with his peak oil belief system, however I agree with the caution about whether the economic system will be stable in the future, and whether he will be able to get jobs. But there are certain kinds of jobs that are more vulnerable to economic crashes than other jobs.

I never thought about this before, but I’m not sure of RDL’s opinions about war. I wonder if he would want to get a military job or government job. I can almost see it. The theme of today was ‘being horribly disappointed by the reality of someone, after having a fantasy image of that person in your mind for a long time.’ I was imagining, what if RDL turned out to be horribly disappointing somehow? I already know that he would react negatively to my physical appearance, or I don’t ‘know’ it but I assume it is very likely. Not only that, but he is probably a Three, not a Seven (at least the way I’m seeing it this morning, though I will change my mind later). His motives for everything he does will be similar to my own motives for the things I do.

This was because of Chris’s behavior last night, the backstabbing thing. I’m looking at RDL and imagining ways that he might be likely to do that. There are several possibilities, and one of them would be, if he went and got a job with the military because he’d get paid to travel. That’s why lots of people join the military. They love getting paid to travel and see the world. The government is the most stable job you can have in a collapsing economy. They make all this fuss about cutting back on government and how they can’t meet their budgets, but none of that is really serious. The government will just print more money, especially the federal government. The state governments will have a harder time, but the federal government will continue to do whatever it wants to do, as we have seen now, after all this complaining about how we don’t have any money, but we suddenly have enough money to go bomb Libya and wherever else we’ve started bombing. Government employees, and businesses connected to the government, will continue to be high-paying, rich, safe jobs, no matter what happens in the economy.

So, if you work for the government, it should be the FEDERAL government, not the state government. The federal government is the one that prints the money and who always seems to mysteriously come up with money from somewhere even after the media has been saying that the budgets don’t balance and all that. Don’t believe a word of it. They really don’t care about whether they’re bankrupt or not, or whether they’ve been bankrupt for over a century (according to the interpretations of some authors).

He believes in Peak Oil, so he thinks that money isn’t the problem, he believes it’s a real shortage of oil. There isn’t a real shortage of oil. The rising price of gas is caused by things that are happening to the money supply.

However, a disrespectable person cannot tell him this. I don’t have the credentials and the social superiority needed to convince RDL that this is true. I am just a humble blogger with bizarre problems that nobody understands, and not a highly educated person. Educated people believe in peak oil. Educated people do not believe in astrology, so RDL doesn’t believe in astrology either (and neither do I). I was seeing it all this way this morning. Hopefully soon, my interpretation of RDL will go back to being a more trusting and less cynical interpretation. But he is not going to change his mind merely because *I* tell him that peak oil is a mistaken belief system and that something else is causing the price changes.

So he is thinking that people will gradually stop traveling as they run out of gasoline. Nobody will be traveling anymore, and he won’t be able to have a job as a geographer where he gets paid to travel around the world and write about the countries he visits. So he doesn’t know whether it’s worthwhile to borrow money to get a college degree so that he can receive a job that someone else has created, and receive money from a money source that somebody else tapped into (whatever that source may be, if it’s government money), because he doesn’t quite know how he could directly make money by himself doing that job. He’s already self-reliant and self-employed, and he isn’t sure how he could earn money directly by working as a geographer traveling around and writing about different countries. But he wants very much to do this. And it seems tempting to imagine that somebody else out there has a source of money to pay him with, if he shows them his college degree. It’s that feeling that the money source is more secure, and larger, if it comes from some government agency or big corporation.

So, I was ruthlessly ripping him apart this morning, and yet, strangely, I can relate to all of this, because all of the same thoughts have gone through my own head, over the years and years. But my reason for not getting a college degree is because I don’t trust that I will be able to finish the goal. My health problems or electronic attacks are likely to make me fail at completing all the work that I would need to do, and I might drop out somewhere along the way. That is quite likely to happen, so I haven’t gone back to college yet, until I feel sure that I am healthy and safe enough to actually finish getting a degree without dropping out or flunking.

RDL is thinking about his money. He is looking at years and years and decades of money and life ahead of him. He is looking at a future where he travels around as part of his job, or a future where he stays in one place, or maybe occasionally moves from place to place over periods of years, after saving enough money, and after finding places that have a relatively good quality of life, at a low cost, with low rent, and few physical risks, and nice places to go nearby like woods and lakes. He also wants enough money to go hiking, because hiking is an expense that doesn’t earn profit directly (although I wonder if someone could get paid to go hiking, which I’m sure he’s wondering too).

I’m still having some drug reactions. I wiped off the keyboard and mouse, which I used after I got home from seeing Chris. The extremely negative mood will persist and will keep recurring until I have cleaned up most of the drug residues. It is a cynical mood, and the feeling that everyone everywhere is an untrustworthy backstabber. I hope that very soon I go back to viewing people as, overall, being mostly trustworthy and honest.


March 28, 2011

I started looking at the forum. Apparently, I wasn’t allowed to look there until now. So I started reading RDL there and seeing that yes, he is indeed into the environmentalism thing. The explosion of anti-environmentalist flames was building up and up and up.

I guess I should read Julian Simon again myself if I am going to try to argue about that. The flamethrowing will just fizzle out if all my arguments fall apart. I think the flamethrowing will fizzle out anyhow because I’m manic right now and as soon as I patch up the things causing my manic reaction I’ll go back to being calm and quiet and peaceful.

But I can feel this intense, focused LOOKING AT the environmentalism discussing. I am looking into all of what he says there and all of it is against Julian Simon. Not only that but the money system knowledge that I have is also looking at what he says.

I can’t do anything in reality or make cooperative decisions with this person. Does it do any good to take apart his arguments on a forum? What good does it do to change his mind?

he hasn’t been very interested in socionics ever since he found his wife

March 28, 2011

that’s all

patching up the holes in my frayed, rotten, dull gray parachute

March 28, 2011

8:59 PM 3/28/11

Several things have happened at once.

Today I went to the library and printed out my resume and the cover letter that explains what I am trying to do. One of my all time favorite books is ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?’ It’s somewhere in the storage unit, but today, I recalled things from it and used them. (LOL! on reread, I wondered ‘What’s in the storage unit? The book or your parachute?’) I have that feeling of excitement again and the need to blurt out everything and it’s so much that I can’t say it. That’s not because of the resume though. But it’s stopping me from talking about the resume.

In WCIYP (that’s going to be a hard acronym to type – I’ll just do ‘What Color?’ or WC). In WC it says that you shouldn’t just mail out a bunch of resumes to people you’ve never seen. You should go visit them in person, research them beforehand, try to make connections to them through your friendships (I skipped that step), and also, that you don’t necessarily need to have a college degree in something, but you can get a job by having real-world experience in it.

That’s kind of what I was doing. I don’t have a degree in accounting, but I have real-world bookkeeping experience and data entry experience. I am trying to get a bookkeeping job.

I picked a semi-random ‘target’ by intuition. (Getting technical, it probably wasn’t ‘intuition.’ It was a feeling of attraction to a name in the phone book based on the fact that I could see more about her than I could about any of the others.) I was looking in the phone book and picked the person who had written the biggest ad with the most information about her services. The others only had their names and numbers, but the one lady had an actual ad with more detail, so I picked her. She is the first target. I found out where she is – it’s actually her house, not an ‘office,’ so I can’t just walk up and talk to her. I will have to call her on the phone but haven’t done that yet. I drove to where she lives to see where it is, which is how I found out that it’s only a house.

So she will be the first person I try.

I went to Spring Creek park after stalking this lady’s house. I sat on the swings. It was cold outside. I didn’t wear my coat. I really want to go outside without the coat on, but almost every time I do, I regret it.

I sat on the swing. There was a group of people examining Spring Creek. Anytime I see groups of people doing something scientific-looking outdoors, I get interested. The other day I was driving down the road and a group was looking at the sides of the rocks on the cliff along the road, where it’s been blasted and exposed to build the road. I thought, that’s the geology class. (This was connected to that feeling I have with a fantasy infatuation, the idea that it was similar to RDL taking geography classes, although geology isn’t really the same as geography, but still, I had this feeling, ‘that could be him.’ I know geography is something different. But I’ve always done that since childhood, having crushes on someone and then certain things become associated with that person, with this idealized fantasy image that I have of them. I am not able to meet the real person and get the fantasy crush to turn into a realistic view with all the flaws and imperfections.)

So anyway these people had those wading pants on and they were walking around in the creek with a big white strip of tape all the way across the creek. They were measuring the depth and the width and calling out numbers to the person on the other side. Some of them were standing around and some of them kept looking over at me, but I was sort of hiding, sitting on the swing (I love swinging and I usually start doing tricks like spinning the swing around in midair and spinning faster or slower like an ice skater by either sticking out my legs or pulling them inwards), and there were some trees and brush partly blocking the view, and I was a little distance away, but not too far. I was shy and curious at the same time. When I was younger, in college, I might have been bolder and I would have walked right up to them and stood in the edge of the group and asked someone what they were doing. But I felt timid and shy today.

I heard the sound of a ball bouncing on the pavement behind me. I wanted to see what it was but I was facing the wrong way. So I started spinning my swing so I could face the other way and look at whoever was bouncing the ball. It was a little toddler child with her mother. The toddler was throwing the ball up to the basketball hoop. I spun around and back and forth to watch the toddler throwing the ball, or watch the people wading in the creek.

Finally I left, mostly because it was too cold. But I did get out in the sunlight for a while without a coat on.

The darkness: I had been thinking of the future, of what to do with the Indigo guy, who I have continued talking to. There are so many ways to go horribly wrong with him. He is addicted to the two drugs that I mentioned the other day, seroquel and klonopin (still not sure if I spelled it right, too lazy to look it up again). Benzodiazepine withdrawal is the foulest, most evil withdrawal from anything. I know that if I touch him, I will go into benzo withdrawal afterwards.

(Uh-oh, big tangent. I started talking about drug residues and abandoned what I was saying about the darkness in the future. The darkness with Chris in the future (Indigo Guy = Chris), when I have reactions to benzodiazepine and go into withdrawal – that is the darkness. What will I do when I have these reactions? How bad will they be? Must I make a rule never to touch him or touch anything he touches, such as car seats and doorknobs? There is more to the darkness besides that. He is temporarily homeless. He is mostly bankrupt and is selling off parts of the business franchise. Intuition about future possibilities isn’t always just about positive potentials, it’s also about the darkness and how to avoid it. Several times in my life, I have jumped into the darkness, and I almost always knew that I was doing this.)

This isn’t just something I made up. It already happened at work, at Weis, with Curtis’s friend (also named Chris) who temporarily worked there. He used an anti-anxiety drug, and I forget which drug it was. But one time, he was talking to me, and I forget whether he did this on purpose or by accident – he might have been gesturing or expressing something while we were talking, or making a point, but for some reason, he briefly tapped me on the bare skin of my arm. His fingers just barely tapped my arm for a fraction of a second.

Within a few minutes, I was totally incapacitated by a severe anxiety attack and was unable to think or make the simplest decisions about ordinary routines that I did every day. I could not decide to do the dishes or mop the floor. I WAS TOTALLY INCAPACITATED. I recognized that I was having a drug reaction and I washed off my arm. I’ve had reactions from touching Peter before, but his drugs don’t incapacitate me totally. This drug was an anti-anxiety drug, and it messes you up SO BADLY that just the slightest brush of skin against skin, for a fraction of a second as a gesture in conversation, caused me to become utterly helpless and frozen with terror until I figured out what was happening.

The implications of my drug residue observations are too overwhelming and unthinkable and scary for most people. It always reminds me of ‘the untouchable caste’ in India. If people actually followed my observations and structured society that way, it would lead to huge groups of people, and huge physical locations, being untouchable. You couldn’t ride on bus seats after drug users had sat there. I’ve actually had reactions by going to the doctor’s office and sitting in a chair that a drug user had sat in, and had my arm sitting on the wooden table that some drug user’s arm had rested on.

However, it explains people having totally random anxiety attacks without understanding the cause.

People don’t believe this observation because if they did believe it, the consequences would be too horrible to deal with. I seem to encounter a lot of things like that. It’s just too hard to do all the things you would need to do to deal with the problem.

If it’s really true that, as I’ve observed:

1. people’s skin oils and sweat, and all other bodily fluids such as urine or breath vapor, excrete residues of the drugs they use, and if

2. the residues linger for years on surfaces that people have touched, without breaking down or becoming inactive chemicals

3. these residues go through the skin of other people, and if

4. very low dosages cause a reaction and withdrawal…

then the whole world is a huge nightmare mess that’s impossible to clean up.

Oh well. But it is true. ‘Convincing people that it’s true’ is a separate process. (Usually, I am more focused on the ‘do something about it’ process instead of the ‘spend huge amounts of energy trying to convince people it’s true’ process.) I can demonstrate my ability to detect chemicals, if someone designs the experiment according to my instructions, so that I am being tested on things that I claim I am able to do, and not being tested on things that I do not claim I am able to do. For instance, someone could design a test where they simply waved a handkerchief in front of my face and told me to tell them whether it had a drug residue on it or not. That’s not enough contact for me to find out. I wouldn’t be sure. I have to touch the fabric or surface.

People who have ‘disproven’ the Feingold Diet did the same thing. Feingold Diet users DO NOT CLAIM that merely one single molecule of red food coloring triggers a reaction. Instead, this is what they claim: that the overall burden of chemicals in our food, the combination of all the food colorings, preservatives, etc, all add up together to overwhelm the body’s ability to metabolize the chemicals, and when that happens for days or weeks or years at a time, then you get hyperactive children with lots of problems.

The experiments wrongly tested for extremely low levels of food colorings. They were trying to design a ‘double-blind, placebo-controlled test’ to make sure that ‘the placebo effect’ (and don’t get me started talking about THE PLACEBO EFFECT FALLACIES because it makes me too angry!) wouldn’t make the children start misbehaving. They gave cupcakes with a teeny, tiny little bit of food coloring in it, but they made sure that it was so little food coloring that you couldn’t tell that the cupcake was a different color. Then they gave them a similar-looking cupcake without any food coloring in it. They made sure that it was such a small amount of food coloring, you couldn’t see the difference in color. The experiment failed to show any connection between eating food colors, and getting hyper, because it was only ONE TINY DOSE, and Feingold parents know that children in the real world are eating huge doses of food coloring, every day, for weeks and for years, instead of just one tiny little dose, just once. There is a limited amount of the enzymes that metabolize the food colorings. You are fine UNTIL you’ve used up those enzymes, when you’ve exhausted the supply of enzymes in your body. After the enzymes are all used up, and you keep on eating more food coloring, you start having a bad reaction to it. But there’s that buffer zone of safety where you can eat a little bit and not have a reaction, because your enzymes are still there metabolizing it.

By the way, why am I hypersensitive to tiny levels of particular chemicals?

There are reasons for chemical hypersensitivity. St. John’s Wort causes long-lasting sensitivity to other chemicals, for instance. A few exposures to SJW and you’ll be sensitive to other things for weeks. Some chemicals cause you to become hypersensitive to other chemicals or whole groups of chemicals. They do this by affecting the cytochrome pathways. They are able to shut down metabolic pathways so that you can’t produce the enzymes you need to break down other chemicals. So if you are exposed to one chemical that shuts down several of your metabolic pathways, then you become sensitive to a large group of other chemicals. There are also drug interactions, which are similar to that.

St. John’s Wort is an antidepressant. It might possibly be a monoamine oxidase reuptake inhibitor, but they’re not sure, and it might have more than one pathway besides MAOI. It might also be SSRI. But whatever it is, it will cause you to be hypersensitive to OTHER antidepressants, and they always tell you to wait at least two weeks before you start taking a new drug after using some other antidepressant, including SJW.

Totally different subject now. The thing that I was excited about was because I finally wrote a comment to RDL about my experiencing ‘multiple personalities.’ It was just a comment on his blog, not an email.

I didn’t want a parachute. I wanted wings.


March 27, 2011

They say he’s an SEE not an IEE and it’s a mirage relation

Jealousy and mania

March 27, 2011

There is also jealousy going on. All are males except me. My hyperactive manic babbling, laughing, and playfulness is being taken personally and responded to in a “she’s mine” kind of way. The IEE was pretending to bang the table loudly with his hands to make me hurry up, and it was a semi joking thing but I had the “I’m gonna cry” feeling, which I received from him. So I sort of smirked and looked down at the ground and avoided him.

We often look into each other’s eyes and he looks at me with a calm unsmiling face. I have always done the magnetic attraction thing when he talks. But why haven’t I had sexual feelings yet – several reasons. I usually turn off sexual attraction at work and don’t want to date co workers. Second, he has a girlfriend, but that usually either encourages me even more or at least doesn’t stop me from liking a guy. It’s mostly because he isn’t the physical type that I am sexually attracted to. But I often want to hug him and put my arms around him.

He started acting obnoxious to me because I was laughing and joking playfully with the SLI. So when I went on lunch break he continued the obnoxious attitude and said loudly “go! Get out of here! Go,go, go!” One of the manager guys up front was surprised by the “attitude” and commented about it. It’s all happening because this drug residue lowers my inhibitions and I say everything and fool around more than usual. So we are having a sort of not good day too.

The dual attraction is very strong even though he is not the physical type that I like most. I have always reacted to him strongly but I figured he wasn’t likely to be an IEE because I wasn’t accustomed to recognizing them. They are always “showing everybody something interesting.”

Jealousy and mania

March 27, 2011

There is also jealousy going on. All are males except me. My hyperactive manic babbling, laughing, and playfulness is being taken personally and responded to in a “she’s mine” kind of way. The IEE was pretending to bang the table loudly with his hands to make me hurry up, and it was a semi joking thing but I had the “I’m gonna cry” feeling, which I received from him. So I sort of smirked and looked down at the ground and avoided him.

We often look into each other’s eyes and he looks at me with a calm unsmiling face. I have always done the magnetic attraction thing when he talks. But why haven’t I had sexual feelings yet – several reasons. I usually turn off sexual attraction at work and don’t want to date co workers. Second, he has a girlfriend, but that usually either encourages me even more or at least doesn’t stop me from liking a guy. It’s mostly because he isn’t the physical type that I am sexually attracted to. But I often want to hug him and put my arms around him.

He started acting obnoxious to me because I was laughing and joking playfully with the SLI. So when I went on lunch break he continued the obnoxious attitude and said loudly “go! Get out of here! Go,go, go!” One of the manager guys up front was surprised by the “attitude” and commented about it. It’s all happening because this drug residue lowers my inhibitions and I say everything and fool around more than usual. So we are having a sort of not good day too.

The dual attraction is very strong even though he is not the physical type that I like most. I have always reacted to him strongly but I figured he wasn’t likely to be an IEE because I wasn’t accustomed to recognizing them. They are always “showing everybody something interesting.”

Jealousy and mania

March 27, 2011

There is also jealousy going on. All are males except me. My hyperactive manic babbling, laughing, and playfulness is being taken personally and responded to in a “she’s mine” kind of way. The IEE was pretending to bang the table loudly with his hands to make me hurry up, and it was a semi joking thing but I had the “I’m gonna cry” feeling, which I received from him. So I sort of smirked and looked down at the ground and avoided him.

We often look into each other’s eyes and he looks at me with a calm unsmiling face. I have always done the magnetic attraction thing when he talks. But why haven’t I had sexual feelings yet – several reasons. I usually turn off sexual attraction at work and don’t want to date co workers. Second, he has a girlfriend, but that usually either encourages me even more or at least doesn’t stop me from liking a guy. It’s mostly because he isn’t the physical type that I am sexually attracted to. But I often want to hug him and put my arms around him.

He started acting obnoxious to me because I was laughing and joking playfully with the SLI. So when I went on lunch break he continued the obnoxious attitude and said loudly “go! Get out of here! Go,go, go!” One of the manager guys up front was surprised by the “attitude” and commented about it. It’s all happening because this drug residue lowers my inhibitions and I say everything and fool around more than usual. So we are having a sort of not good day too.

The dual attraction is very strong even though he is not the physical type that I like most. I have always reacted to him strongly but I figured he wasn’t likely to be an IEE because I wasn’t accustomed to recognizing them. They are always “showing everybody something interesting.”

3/4 quadra

March 27, 2011

I do have an IEE at mcdonalds, I’m pretty sure. We had a good quadra in the grill area today. Two SLI’s, one LSE and the IEE. everyone gets the jokes.

The IEE, every time he talks he is saying something interesting and I magnetically am pulled towards him to listen. Then I start babbling excitedly. He is always showing or telling about an interesting movie or news story. He already knew about the guy who cracked the tic tac toe lottery ticket algorithm. We are all having a good day.

Not enough time to talk. Long hair, neglect dreadlocks, beards, hearing voices, how I decided to grow long hair and locks.

March 27, 2011

10:21 AM 3/27/11

I haven’t written anything new on the longnaturalhair blog in a few weeks (grr, some squatter stole, and is just wasting it and doing nothing). My goal there is to write a smaller number of high-quality articles. It won’t be the ‘I had a crappy day’ kind of blog, like this one here. It’s not as much of a personal blog, although there might be personal stories or incidents or experiences that I’ve had which relate to long hair. That will be necessary. But it’s not as much of a gripe-and-complain sort of blog. Eventually the spirit of the blog will develop over time and I’ll find out what it’s going to be like.

I’ve been going over to the dreadlockssite forums, usually on the mobile website ( because my Windows 98 running an old version of Opera isn’t able to interact with the normal site very well. I really, really need to do the computer cleanup because I can’t even use Firefox anymore. There’s an unexplained technical problem and Firefox won’t let me uninstall it or reinstall it, and it won’t even open or run. I’ll be doing another data backup and hard drive format and will reinstall all of Windows from scratch.

Anyway, I’ve been doing a little bit of research over on the dreadlockssite forum about why men don’t grow beards. I am a major beard advocate, but I need to understand why men don’t want to get them. I believe the solution to all of this is to start a business where you are required to follow the grooming rules as a condition of your job. You must be required to grow long hair while being employed at that company. It can’t be ‘optional’ because nobody ever bothers taking that option. It already IS optional, and ‘optional’ just doesn’t work. ‘Optional’ has failed miserably, and as a result, we live in a world full of totally shaved heads and bodies and eyebrows and nothing to touch and nothing to look at, and not only that, but Western culture has spread and spread and spread to the countries where beards used to be more common, and they’re seeing the mainstream media from the USA, where all the men have shaved faces.

Some people answered my question about why they don’t grow beards. I had asked the question, if you are a man growing your hair long, then why don’t you grow your beard long?

I’m going to answer this question myself from my own experience. I obviously can’t grow a beard (I have maybe five or six whiskers under my chin, and five or six whiskers on the ‘soul patch’ under my lower lip, and nothing at all on my cheeks). However, there are lots of things that it just didn’t occur to me to do, until ‘they,’ ‘the voices,’ urged me to do it. I actually had an external person telling me to do something which I didn’t think of on my own. ‘I did it because the voices told me to’ really is the reason why I grew extreme neglect dreadlocks, or ascetic dreadlocks, by quitting shampoo. It didn’t occur to me on my own.

There are a few things they told me to do.

1. Years ago, by myself, I did something very similar to what RDL’s wife did. In one of her blogs, she talks about how she cut off the damaged hair which she had been dyeing for several years, and she felt great afterwards and loved the soft smoothness of her hair. I also did that in high school after perming, spraying, gelling, moussing, and blow drying for several years. I chopped it all out and had a chin length bob. Then I let it grow down, but I was still keeping it short, not on purpose, but because I couldn’t resist the occasional impulse to chop off several inches of hair for no reason, spontaneously.

After I moved to State College, PA, in 1997, ‘they’ started telling me that I ought to be fully committed to growing all of my hair as long as it could grow, to terminal length. That fits with the overall theme of not shaving any of my body hair. It’s like Ayn Rand said about Howard Roark’s buildings – a unified principle that applies to the whole building, a consistent, non-contradictory theme. I liked that idea. So the idea of cutting off no hair at all, ever, is related to the ‘non-contradictory principle’ idea. That came from ‘them.’ It wasn’t my own idea. But I liked the idea and I agreed with it.

2. Then, a couple years ago, ‘they’ suggested that I stop trying to trim split ends. I was aware of split ends and was disturbed by them. However, my split ends weren’t very bad anymore. I had switched to using only a wide-toothed comb, and not a brush. The brush made the split ends worse. If you only gently comb your tangles out with a wide tooth comb, then you aren’t damaging the hair as badly. Also, there were these parasitic mites which are associated with cats and dogs, and we had them very badly when I was at my ex-boyfriend’s house and we had the stray cats. I think they are a type of mange or scabies. They seemed to get into my hair brushes. That was probably the main reason I stopped using the hair brushes. Using a comb, I didn’t get the mites itching my hair as much anymore. (The mites used to be a VERY BIG DEAL and a HUGE NUISANCE that I was very upset about, but that’s a whole other long story. I don’t have a problem with them anymore. Long story… another day…)

So there was a time when I wasn’t creating very many new split ends. I was doing very little damage by using only a wide toothed comb. Brushes are a big cause of split ends. I would always notice that the ends looked more damaged if I did, occasionally, use a brush.

But I was researching about how to grow long hair while also trimming split ends. On the websites, I discovered that people use a twist and trim method. You twist the strand of hair until the ends stick out of the twisted strand, and then you gently trim only the ends that are sticking out.

This was obsessive and time consuming, but I did it. I felt like it didn’t do much good and felt like I wasn’t getting ALL of the ends that way. But for a year or two or three, I was trying to twist and trim the ends while continuing to grow my hair long.

If you just cut a half inch off the ends of your hair, to trim the ends, then eventually you are cutting off too much length, especially as your hair gets very long. This is hard to explain. I’m accustomed to not needing to explain this anymore, because it’s so far back in the past that I’m not even worried about it at all. But if someone was new to all this, they would need to know. So I will try to remember the explanation.

The usual way to trim split ends is to cut about a half inch, or an inch, off the ends.

However, do you cut straight across the line of hair? Do you cut the bottom of the hair in a curved shape? What about the split ends that are JUST ABOVE the line of hair you’ve just cut? And if you look farther and farther up, if you look very closely, you will see lots of split ends (this requires 20/20 vision! or a magnifying glass!). If you became obsessive and perfectionistic, then you would have to chop all of your hair all the way to the scalp to make sure that you removed every split end on your entire head, because I’m sure you could find one buried here and there and anywhere.

Then there is the phenomenon of ‘tapering.’ Tapering is disturbing to the people who are accustomed to the idea that ‘hair must be cut in a straight line.’ Tapering to a point is what naturally happens to hair when you completely stop cutting it at all. It gets thinner and thinner at the bottom. People mistakenly believe that this means the ends are ‘damaged’ and ‘ragged’ and ‘broken.’ But that is NOT what causes tapering. Tapering is caused by the growth pattern of the hair.

Imagine if you shaved your head and then grew your hair. You would notice that your hair was now ‘layered.’ The hairs on top of your head, on the crown of the head, are higher than the hairs growing from the back of your neck, at the nape. The ends of the crown hairs can never ‘catch up’ to the ends of the nape hairs, which are several inches down further.

Imagine if all hairs were programmed to grow to be only twelve inches long. All of your hair would stop at twelve inches. So you would notice, forever and ever, that the ends of your crown hair would never catch up with the ends of the nape hair, because they were all the same length but they originated at different points on the scalp. If you put your hair into a ponytail or something, it would be thick at the top and thin at the bottom of the ponytail. (I’m doing all this without drawing a visual diagram. A diagram would speak a thousand words.) If you obsessively tried to force the ponytail to be a constant thickness, then you would have to chop off a lot of hair to make sure that all the hairs were lined up and there was no tapering down to a thin point. (I really do need a diagram!)

That’s how it is, except that it doesn’t stop at six inches, it stops at, like, several feet of length. So it’s down at the bottom of your back or your waist or wherever and it looks like it’s broken and damaged and that seems to be why it’s tapering to a thinner and thinner point. That is a misunderstanding of what it’s really doing.

Well, anyway… ‘they’ told me to stop cutting all split ends whatsoever. Don’t even worry about twisting and trimming. Don’t be tempted. That’s been the theme over and over again – get used to giving up a comforting routine, and resist the temptation to do it again. Cut nothing. Don’t cut the ends. So again, that was ‘their’ suggestion, not mine. I was doing something different until they suggested that I stop. I didn’t come up with this idea myself.

3. So, after I had decided to grow it to terminal length, and then, after I decided to stop trimming the split ends, there was one more thing ‘they’ convinced me to do. They suggested that I stop using shampoo. I had been asking questions about dreadlocks for a while, wondering what they were and how they formed. I knew there were dogs and donkeys and some other animals that had natural dreadlocks, but I didn’t understand the mechanics of what causes the hair to get that way.

‘They’ didn’t just tell me that I was going to get dreadlocks. They simply said to stop using shampoo, without knowing what would happen. I didn’t know that I was going to get dreadlocks. I only knew that I was quitting shampoo.

So I read about this on the internet. There are other people who are quitting shampoo for various reasons, but they are all trying to find substitutes for shampoo, such as bar soap. They usually want to avoid the chemicals, like sodium lauryl sulfate, which goes through your skin.

(I personally haven’t experienced any noticeable health problems from that chemical, because it doesn’t cause extremely severe symptoms at low dosages. It might be doing SOMETHING that I’m not aware of, but whatever it is, it’s mild, and I tolerated it. I only notice reactions to things that are severe. That’s similar to how well I tolerate bleach. I really don’t mind chlorine bleach at all, and I use a bleach spray all the time at work. The degreaser bothers me very badly, and it burns my skin painfully, and I won’t use that stuff at all, but I don’t mind bleach in the least. I only get sick from bleach if, for instance, you dump a bunch of straight undiluted bleach on the floor and then mop the floor, with the windows closed. THEN I WILL NOTICE IT! Because I think somebody actually did that one time, but I forget who it was! It was horribly sickening and disgusting and toxic. But at low levels, in sprays and bathroom cleaners, I don’t mind it and I actually enjoy the smell of bathroom cleaner with a little bit of bleach in it. Not that I sit there deliberately inhaling it.)

So I stopped using shampoo. I didn’t try to find substitutes for shampoo, and I didn’t use bar soap. This was just an experiment.

It became obvious after a couple weeks that I was going to develop dreadlocks for sure. My hair became sticky, greasy strings. It was like chewing gum. I tried a couple times to comb it, but even my wide toothed comb wasn’t able to get through the chewing gum grease.

The dreadlocks began by themselves at the roots. It has nothing to do with tangling. The dreadlocks websites talk about tangling, but tangling is not necessary. The greasy strings keep the hairs stuck together. Underneath those stuck-together hair strands, new hair is growing. But it has nowhere to go because it’s trapped underneath this ‘tent’ of stuck-together strands of hair, which closes over top of the new hair growing in and keeps it trapped down there. So the hair loops and bends as it struggles to grow outwards and can’t. As it loops and bends, it interlocks with other hairs next to it that are also looping and bending. (This is from my microscopic examination of my own dreadlocks as I struggle to understand why they are forming. It requires good eyesight.) On the outside of the locks, the hairs wrap around the lock in both directions, and it reminds me of a mesh shielded cable (image needed). Those outer hairs do indeed tangle into knots, but the hair inside the lock is just interlocking together as it loops and bends while growing under the enclosed barrier of hair.

So… that is what happened. And the three things that I listed were not my own ideas. They were given to me by someone else. These things don’t occur to you if you were raised to keep doing things a certain way.

So the thing about not growing beards is exactly like that. Men don’t grow beards, and they have reasons why they don’t. They don’t know how sexy beards can be and I can’t talk about this because I have to go to work. I’m reluctant to talk about sexual topics (although ‘they’ often want me to), but, depending on the mood I’m in, I’ll look at a guy’s beard and want to lick the edges of it along his neck – that’s the part that they usually shave off, too. They’ll grow the beard only on the face, but they’ll shave off the part that grows under the chin and neck, which is VERY FRUSTRATING to me. That part under the chin and neck is the sexiest part, especially for a girl who is shorter than you are and her face is right underneath your chin when you’re hugging her. Again, I don’t have time for this now because I’m off to work.

The summary of all this is that they’re doing it because of their beliefs, and because nobody ever told them any differently.


March 26, 2011

I am so sick I can hardly eat today. I am eating mouse-sized nibbles out of a dry bagel. I’m at work and too tired to run around doing anything. I also have the sjw mania which makes me want to keep writing blogs. But I am too miserable to act obnoxious as I have been doing. I am painfully cold as the wind blows straight in every time I open the window to take the cash from people in drive thru. I have on a good coat but it’s not enough right now. The heater is on and the sun is coming in the window, which is nice, but I want to be at home in the tub with all the heat cranked up.

I heard a radio show recently talking about smog and electricity. They mentioned that power companies don’t want you to know how much electricity you’re using, so it’s on a hard to read meter far away outdoors, but someone made “the power detective” or something, to show you how much elec you use. It never occurred to me that they didn’t WANT you to know your power usage, but that makes sense, because the power detective thing is so obvious it should have already existed. Is it the “electricity detective”? I’ll have to look it up.

The thing with RDL: “they” try to convince me he reads my blog, etc etc. I want to talk more to him but I feel that he doesn’t approve of having too many online friends since he is a minimal Internet user, sort of like the Amish, where you can’t have it in the house. And he is married so there is a limit on the closeness level of his adoring fans (I’m finally on lunch break now). I am trying to reduce the extreme, paralyzing fear and intense desperate starving feeling which makes it impossible to just have a simple conversation with him in email. I can’t talk to someone if I need them too much. It is a constant fear of being judged.


March 26, 2011

I am so sick I can hardly eat today. I am eating mouse-sized nibbles out of a dry bagel. I’m at work and too tired to run around doing anything. I also have the sjw mania which makes me want to keep writing blogs. But I am too miserable to act obnoxious as I have been doing. I am painfully cold as the wind blows straight in every time I open the window to take the cash from people in drive thru. I have on a good coat but it’s not enough right now. The heater is on and the sun is coming in the window, which is nice, but I want to be at home in the tub with all the heat cranked up.

I heard a radio show recently talking about smog and electricity. They mentioned that power companies don’t want you to know how much electricity you’re using, so it’s on a hard to read meter far away outdoors, but someone made “the power detective” or something, to show you how much elec you use. It never occurred to me that they didn’t WANT you to know your power usage, but that makes sense, because the power detective thing is so obvious it should have already existed. Is it the “electricity detective”? I’ll have to look it up.

The thing with RDL: “they” try to convince me he reads my blog, etc etc. I want to talk more to him but I feel that he doesn’t approve of having too many online friends since he is a minimal Internet user, sort of like the Amish, where you can’t have it in the house. And he is married so there is a limit on the closeness level of his adoring fans (I’m finally on lunch break now). I am trying to reduce the extreme, paralyzing fear and intense desperate starving feeling which makes it impossible to just have a simple conversation with him in email. I can’t talk to someone if I need them too much. It is a constant fear of being judged.

Ayn Rand also complained about the force-wielding ‘brutes,’ the ‘cousins’ of the feeling-worshippers.

March 26, 2011

She made the ‘brutes’ sound like SLE’s at their worst, and described them as the ‘cousins’ of the people who sounded like SEE’s. It suggests that she is not an SLE. Again… this whole analysis requires more time than I have right now.

She also called everyone ‘irrational,’ and said things like ‘Judge, and prepare to be judged.’ Judging was very important to her, and she disliked people who postponed judgment. That suggests a rational sociotype (although ‘rational’ also includes ‘ethical’ types in socionics, as ‘rational’ means something different than what Rand meant).

I also want to talk about Nathaniel Branden and Patrecia Branden. I could talk about Devers Branden but can’t easily find much info on her, although I talked to her on the phone years and years ago when I was attempting (and failing) to do telephone therapy.

Negging; MG responds; yay duals! More celebrity sociotypes. Google alerts for names being mentioned.

March 26, 2011

11:34 AM 3/26/11

Hooray for duals and semi-duals. (Probably a dual, but I’m not absolutely sure.) I just mentioned Mike Gogulski, from, in my blog and he picked it up. He has one of those things that alerts you to something being mentioned on Google, sort of like Scott Adams, the Dilbert author, who receives an alert anytime his name is mentioned. (Hi Scott!) So he wrote to me after I mentioned his name. He seems to behave like a dual. He is another expatriate doing translations in a post-Soviet country, which is why I mentioned him, as I was comparing/contrasting him with RDL. It was an attempt to make myself feel like it ought to be no big deal to make friends with RDL because I had done something very similar before.

Sometimes I get the feeling that duals are popping up everywhere I go, and other times I can’t find one when I need one.

I haven’t guessed Scott Adams’s socionic type yet. (If he does happen to pick this up in his name usage detector, I’d recommend that he temporarily avoid looking at, since I wouldn’t want him to think that ALL socionics people are using that kind of ‘visual identification.’) One of these days I will try to guess his type. I’ve enjoyed finding out about Jo Rowling’s type, the Harry Potter author, who I now think is an EII. I’ve also been thinking about Ayn Rand’s type, and I think that she is one of the few LII’s who actually ARE an LII. There is a tendency in the Keirsey group to believe that everyone, everywhere, is an INTP, or perhaps an INTJ, and so I was skeptical anytime I saw people saying Ayn Rand was an INTJ (LII). But I think she is. I’ll have to give all the evidence later.

I’ve read most of Nathaniel Branden’s books, including his autobiography, Judgment Day, where he talks about Ayn Rand and the things she said. She complained the most about the group of people who look like the SEE type. She called them ‘whim-worshippers’ and complained about how they used feelings to make decisions when they ought to use logic, and how they failed to foresee the long-term consequences of their actions. When I recall the group of people, the politicians, who kidnapped John Galt, they seem like SEE types. I would have to look in the book again to be sure. But that might suggest a socionic conflict between SEE and LII. That’s only one of the pieces of evidence. There’s more.

I could possibly get the courage to talk more to RDL. I had to do a little bit of ‘negging,’ the ‘RDL is no big deal’ attitude. I talk to famous celebrities ALL THE TIME. I used to comment on Scott Adams’s blog and I’m sure I could find a few more famous people and internet celebrities and others who are MUCH MORE FAMOUS than RDL, the socionics guy. Then maybe it wouldn’t seem so scary. Maybe I’m nothing but just another Adoring Fan, but then again, he is just another celebrity among the thousands of celebrities that I’m friends with. Ha ha.

Doh! ‘Subjective’ and ‘Objective’ clarifies everything instantly!

March 26, 2011

I was reading something about socionics which I found on They used the words ‘subjective’ and ‘objective’ to describe the functions, like ‘subjective logic’ and ‘objective logic’ instead of introverted and extraverted. Suddenly everything looks very different and makes more sense. I think I will start using those words instead of ‘introverted’ and ‘extraverted.’ Or at least, I will translate them to those words. The word ‘extraverted’ never really connected with ‘objective,’ and the word ‘introverted’ never really connected with ‘subjective,’ until now. But I was already familiar with the words ‘subjective’ and ‘objective’ and they had meaning to me.

Instead of the ‘Fe’ and ‘Fi’ and all that, they have it listed as ‘OE’ and ‘SE’ (objective ethics and subjective ethics). I think I will try getting used to this for a while. Now that I understand what it means, it’s no big deal anymore. But there was always this feeling that I was sort of struggling to understand what ‘introverted’ and ‘extraverted’ really MEANT. Now I know EXACTLY what it means!