Archive for May, 2017

Ithkalsa was a liquid stone found on the fictional planet Darcon

May 31, 2017

I had all those stories on my hard drive, in the past, and the hackers read them. I wrote them in my teenage years. That’s why I started hearing voices commenting about things that had been written in those stories and in my very old journals that were also there, from the time period when I was with Rachael and she read my stories.

Ithkalsa was a liquid stone that looked like mercury. It was solid most of the time, but if it was touched by a living creature, it turned into liquid. So it’s piezo-something. Piezo-consciousness. It wasn’t just electricity, it was living beings that touched it. This was in my fiction stories. Darcon was destroyed and needed to be reawakened.

Those stories are the reason why the controllers are searching for a guy named ‘Luke.’ They found ‘Matthew,’ who was similar – a biblical name, plays the guitar, skinny with long hair. The name ‘Luke’ was given to this character I used to draw, not by me but by a classmate who sat in front of me and saw the cartoons. I drew the dog, and he wrote the name ‘Luke’ over it. The dog was an anthropomorphic dog with long hair, an Afghan hound, who played the guitar and was a homeless wanderer, although he sometimes lived in a world with a big group of other dogs, in a city area, a run-down place. I don’t know if they were subservient to humans or whether they were independent. I think they were independent. They had hands with fingers.

I might have spelled it ‘ithkhalsa’ or ‘ithkalsa,’ I forget. A solid stone that turns to liquid when touched by a living creature. Senses consciousness. Not just electricity, not just pressure, not just warmth.

That would helpful for keeping out robots. The robots can’t walk through the solid door, but a living creature can go through the liquid.

Their gods were the ascended cats. The cats, like the zoquix (good) and the chelton zix (evil) had wings – a blue and silver cheetah with wings, and a black lion with wings. They had magical powers and could do the typical magic-power-type stuff, like shooting energy at someone. The zoquix was a benevolent guardian who watched over everyone and protected them, but wasn’t directly involved most of the time. The chelton zix was capturing people and torturing them, for unknown reasons, with unknown motive.

The entire planet of Darcon was destroyed and had to be reawakened. At the moment, it is a black burned desert.

I was just reading the latest Cosmic Disclosure transcript on the Sphere Beings page and that’s what made me start thinking about materials and piezo effects. I’m still waiting for my shungite. I don’t think it shields against magnets. I was trying to build a motor powered entirely by magnets. That was in 2016. John Galt also invented a free energy motor in Atlas Shrugged, and they lived in Colorado (typo, I wrote ‘live’ in the present tense at first, and realized this is true). They *live* in Colorado, in Galt’s Gulch. If they don’t yet, then somebody has built it since then, or maybe they live in a nearby state. Is Colorado part of ‘Mormania,’ the area full of Mormons?

Chronic fatigue; disgusting dreams; a leaking faucet; problems with dairy products; a nontoxic house; the layer of fat that won’t go away; why I’m not exactly like other atheists and don’t fit in with them; my complaints about Christians not doing anything in the real world; meditation on how Anaya can be both good, and also powerful

May 31, 2017

7:56 AM 5/31/2017

I had some disgusting dreams last night. In one of them, I felt a lump in my right breast. This felt very real. I’m awake now and it’s definitely not there, but in the dream it was as real as real life. If anything weird ever happens, it’s usually my left breast – that one seems to have more pain, and the pain is caused by bisphenol-A leaching out of my plastic dental fillings. It’s fibrocystitis. The only other time I had this breast pain was when I was a teenager and I had a plastic orthodontic retainer, which also would have been leaching plastic chemicals into my saliva. I never had that pain again until a few years ago when I replaced my mercury dental filling with a plastic one, and was duped into getting an unnecessary extra filling on a tooth where I didn’t have a cavity, so now I have two plastic fillings. I want to remove them sometime, but that project is on hold.

I’m wondering whether the use of plastic dental fillings is
contributing to the increase in hip damage in young people. I’m 42 but my hip joints are utterly destroyed. And I really, really don’t want to get a hip replacement, but there will be a time in the future when the hip joint is so completely destroyed that the leg bone cannot stay in the joint anymore, so that if I put any weight on it at all, it will slip out of joint and it will look like the horrible images that you can find on google image search. Only the ligaments are holding it in place at that point, not bones. I will need either a wheelchair, an exoskeleton, or bone regeneration technology, because I refuse to get a hip implant. I don’t know if I will ever change my mind about getting a hip implant – I may decide that my health just doesn’t matter anymore, so go ahead and let me be filled with toxic leaching chemicals causing severe systemic disease, implant syndrome.

Sometime this morning the maintenance men are coming over to fix the bathtub faucet – for some reason, it won’t shut off all the way, so it is constantly trickling.

The other dream: In this dream, I was drinking skim milk, and it caused a roll of fat to fall off from around my waist and my back. I’ve had this layer of extra fat that won’t go away for about a year now, and it’s unusual and I don’t know what’s causing it. I had several events that correlated with its sudden onset in the summer of 2016, mostly along the theme of exposures to some chemical, substance, or possibly microbe.

But in the dream, the fat did not burn away internally like it normally would when people lose weight. It FELL OFF. It was falling off my body, on the outside, like this rope wrapped around my waist. It was this red, bloody looking thing with the skin peeling off, and holes opening up into my abdomen, which would be allowing air and dirt and everything to go inside my body.

I did actually test skim milk in real life. I never drink skim milk anymore, but I bought it just this once. It is still organic skim milk. I know I have a correlation between drinking milk at all, and getting fat. I was going to just stop all dairy products completely, rather than switching to skim milk. There is an addiction to the opioid proteins in milk. Milk is addictive and is extremely hard to stop drinking. You have to also stop eating all sources of cheese. Pizza is pretty much the only thing to eat at work that is always available. Anyway, when I’ve stopped milk before, I’ve gone into actual withdrawal, which causes crying.

Well, I noticed rather quickly that this skim milk causes crying (‘lacrimation’ as a medical term) immediately, only a short time after I drink it. The crying is spontaneous, but it attaches itself to an ‘explanation’ that is convenient, and at this time, that explanation is Matthew. I know from experience that my emotions are almost never caused by an actual event, but rather by some kind of chemical, food, drug, hormone, etc. There are emotions associated with events, but they can always be reduced by controlling those other factors like drugs and food.

The whole milk didn’t instantly cause crying. It’s definitely the skim milk, and it causes it quickly.

It’s better to just completely quit all dairy products altogether. However, to do that, I would have to bring a satisfying meal with me to work, which would be quick and convenient and easy to wolf down, because we don’t get real breaks at work. We have to just eat during a time when it isn’t very busy. I don’t believe this is the way it *should* be, but that is the way it is. I don’t believe I should be working at a job like this at all, but that is a whole other topic.

So I am very likely to continue just eating the pizza at work just because there is nothing else to eat, and bringing my own meal is very hard to do. There are reasons why this is hard to do. My fatigue has been extremely severe in this apartment. I don’t know exactly what chemical it is or where it’s coming from, but it’s everywhere here in this place. I had the same problem while I was camping, if I slept in a hotel for a night or two – I always felt horribly poisoned by something there, the air, the pesticides, the carpets, I don’t know what.

Getting a house made out of completely nontoxic building materials – yes, that would be wonderful. I cannot trust anybody to build me a house that is completely nontoxic. They are always going to want to comply with some regulation that says the house has to be built some particular way, and therefore they have to put this toxic substance in here or over there – some kind of fire regulation or building codes or something.

What I need ideally is an underground house on an extremely isolated piece of land where I don’t even have to pay to own the land. Then I would go on to build an entire underground civilization and bring other people to live there, by invitation only. However, *that* plan is going to have to be put on hold until the day when everything in the universe has been magically fixed and I have the energy to get involved in gigantic multibillion dollar projects.

So for now, the best hope is buying my own piece of land without a house on it, camping there, and building my own unofficial house without telling anybody, so they don’t try to enforce building codes and force me to use toxic building materials or make the rooms a certain size or make the floor out of some substance besides mud. It’s not good enough for me to camp in the park like I was doing – too many police officers slashing holes in my tent because some retard calls and complains.

The only ‘building code’ I would want the house to comply with is the ability to withstand a tree falling on top of the house. Falling trees are one of the only things that I fear about living in the woods. I camped for such a long time, for so many years, that I heard dozens and dozens of trees falling in the woods, especially when it’s raining. I know that falling trees are a real danger. Falling trees, and lightning, are the only things I hate about camping. I’d like to have an underground basement of some sort, at least, to feel safer in the lightning and the tornadoes.

I never finished telling about this dream. The roll of fat was falling off my body, but was still around my waist, just peeling off and exposing this pink bloody flesh covered with lumps. I was shocked by this and was trying to figure out how to put it back in place, but I felt that it could never really be put back together because these holes and openings had exposed the inside of my body to the air, which is something that is never supposed to happen. You’re not supposed to get surgeries or get any part of your body cut open in such a way that all the deepest areas are touching the air, the dust, the bacteria, the particles, or the surgical tools that somebody seals up inside you and forgets to take out after surgery. Yeah, that happens. Surgeons don’t get enough sleep and are using too many drugs, which everyone in the medical community has easy access to.

What bothers me about the new layer of fat is that I suspect it could be holding onto toxic chemicals which will be released into my body if the fat goes away, and it could be the same chemical that gave Mom cancer, which I suspect was the chemical spill in January of whichever year, in West Virginia – was it 2015? Or 2014? I was there when it happened. Our water, supposedly, wasn’t affected, but I took a sip of the water and I felt like I was going to vomit and pass out. It definitely had *something* in it. I believe the poison went into the aquifer and spread everywhere throughout the entire area, not just into the water of that one particular company that supposedly was affected by it while everyone else allegedly wasn’t.

However, the fat suddenly appeared in summer of 2016, not at the time when I was at WV and drank the couple sips of water. That was actually the time when my big toe went numb for several weeks – after I was drinking diet soda as a substitute for drinking water! I never use artificial sweeteners or diet soda, but my parents had it in the house, and I started avoiding the tap water for the last day or two that I was visiting, so I drank diet soda for several days. My big toe went numb for several months after that. That was either the chemical spill poison, or the artificial sweetener. The feeling in the toe gradually came back over time.

Artificial sweetener is known for causing ‘multiple sclerosis’-like symptoms, including loss of sensation in the limbs. I only drank it for a *couple of days*.

Michael J Fox – said to be another ENFP, according to a lot of people in the typology community – and I had a crush on him when I was a child – he developed Parkinson’s, and some people have theorized it’s because he drank such a huge amount of either Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi, whichever one he used to be promoting, when he was in all the advertisements for it.

Drinking Coke with sugar and calories is actually *less bad* than drinking Diet Coke.

I’ve already written other blogs where I talked about my theories of what triggered the sudden onset of this new layer of fat that won’t go away.

But I can’t exercise in the conventional way for two reasons: chronic fatigue syndrome, and my totally destroyed hip joints. Swimming is the only exercise I tolerate. Riding my bike isn’t exercise – I specifically avoid exerting any effort at all, and I immediately get off the bike and start walking whenever I reach a hill. Chronic fatigue means I can’t recover normally after exercising, so that, the next day, I am still tired, for maybe a few more days. If I go swimming one day, I can’t go the next day.

However, swimming was great in terms of an actual aerobic,
cardiovascular workout. It’s gentle enough on my hip joints, although I had unexpected pain in a weird place – my ankle, from using my feet as flippers, or fins, or whatever. That foot movement apparently bothered an old injury. I’m guessing this injury might be from the skiing accident in college – that was actually a fun time. I hurt several things when I flipped over and rolled. I hurt a shoulder, a hip, and some other things, which were permanently injured and which will still hurt during weather changes, even today. I never went to the doctor for it, so I don’t know what kind of actual damage occurred.

I will try to swim today, if all goes well. I’m just waiting here until the maintenance men come to fix the bath faucet.


So now, I don’t have ‘closure’ per se with Matthew. He did ignore the last couple messages I sent, but it makes little difference, because he was mostly giving me the automated response of telling me that I should go to the church to get help from them.

I joined an atheists’ meetup group years ago, and *kind of* enjoyed it, but I do not really fit in the category of atheists either. Here are some of the reasons why.

I’m not really comfortable with Christianity. For some reason, I just don’t find much of anything useful in the bible at all. I can’t resonate with the ideas or descriptions of God, and now, after learning about, and directly experiencing, electronic mind control and radio frequency weapon attacks, I no longer trust any mental sensations of ‘resonating with the light of God’ or anything like that. I do receive help from friendly angels if I ever go to a church, but those friendly angels only stick around for a day or so. I really do enjoy talking to them, though. They’re nice. I don’t get a lot of nice imaginary friends talking to me.

I’m not entirely opposed to the idea of going to a church, and I’m not entirely opposed to the idea that a church is somewhat able to help me. However, churches do not emphasize or force people to have deep one-on-one interactions. A group of people is passively watching a source of information, and then they all go home. Nobody interacts with the other people in the room. They might as well all be at a movie theatre.

So yeah, I have a lot of problems with Christianity and churches, and I considered myself an atheist for a long time, but whenever I actually go and hang out with atheists at a meetup group or go to forums online, I realize that I’m not like them at all.

There are these people who believe in a religion they like to call ‘Science,’ with a capital S. Those people believe that it’s not possible to have any knowledge of anything in the universe at all unless this knowledge has been acquired by government employees wearing white lab coats doing a placebo-controlled double-blind experiment and publishing it in a peer-reviewed journal.

All of that is bullshit. Just wipe away that entire thing,
completely. Wipe it all off the page. It’s gone.

Knowledge is acquired by means of firsthand observation through the senses. We acquired all of our knowledge living in the woods in primitive tribes without any science, without any lab coats, without any placebo-controlled experiments. We tasted the plants to find out what symptoms they caused and whether they were poisonous. There is something called the ‘Universal Edibility Test,’ which I believe was taught by the military – I read it online somewhere. That is the original way that humans learned what to eat.

Then there are the realms of speculation. There are things that we don’t know about yet, or things which are difficult to understand, but they do exist and they do happen, or they possibly could happen, or people wonder about them. For instance, I wonder if it’s possible for some kind of living creature, with consciousness, to exist in a form of so-called ‘energy,’ without having a solid body made out of the usual types of materials that we usually think of as a body. This is a valid question and millions of people are wondering about this. We want to know about it because we want to know if we will live after we die.

But if you mention such an idea to a militant strict atheist, they would be appalled at the very thought of imagining such a thing. The horror! No, it is absolutely impossible for any form of energy to move around and possess consciousness without having solid objects like nerves to conduct electricity! No nerves, no consciousness! Absolutely not! That is unscientific woo-woo!

So, I don’t really get along with those people, because my mind is open enough to consider the possibility that yes, maybe I don’t entirely understand all the different forms and manifestations of energy that exist in the universe, and so maybe there is some possibility that ‘energy’ can exist without conducting itself through nerves in the way that we’re accustomed to in this type of body.

However, at the same time, I’m well aware of electronic weapon attacks and mind control. They are being done everywhere, to everyone, all the time. They can cause you to believe a lot of things that aren’t real, and experience a lot of things that aren’t real, including talking to ghosts and angels and entities and stuff. Could those experiences possibly be caused by electronic mind control? Yes. Even people’s near-death experiences could all be simulated by electronic mind control and virtual reality and forced hallucinations, and I know this because I’ve experienced all the things that these attackers have done to me personally. I know what they can do. I know from reading the accounts from other victims online that they can do a lot more types of things that they usually aren’t bothering to do to me, because for some reason, the attacks on me are pretty mild compared to some people.

But go to a group of atheists, and talk about my personal experiences of electronic mind control? That’s a ‘scientific’ phenomenon that involves technology; however, even *that* topic is not a safe one to talk about with them, because they believe that your own sensory experiences are totally nonexistent and untrustworthy. Only a group of scientists in lab coats doing a double-blind placebo-controlled government-sponsored experiment are capable of telling us what is real, and what isn’t. If I say that I experience voices in my head and I think it’s caused by somebody attacking me with a radio frequency weapon, even if I totally understand how these weapons work and have some information about the groups of people who are doing these attacks – nope! You can’t trust your own sensory observations, in the world of people who worship the gods of Science. Only an authority figure can tell you what to do in that situation, and the answer is: go get a prescription for psychiatric drugs.

Now, not *all* atheists are that bad of a pro-science troll, but a lot of them are.

Also, I agree with author Nathaniel Branden about something. He said in his self-esteem books that children tend to have better self-esteem if they grow up with at least *some* kind of discipline and authority in their life, rather than total chaos and a total lack of authority. There is such a thing as a reasonable, sensible amount of authority that will help give children boundaries and make them feel secure. He said that religion can sometimes help to provide these boundaries and this authority, by giving people some rules and limitations. The objectivists were all opposed to religion, and so Nathaniel Branden was going against them by saying this.

That is why I have envisioned Anaya. It is a set of rules, an ordnung like the Amish have. However, it’s different from other religions because it’s a set of rules about what kinds of foods to eat, how to give birth properly, how to avoid and prevent particular kinds of permanent physical damage that is normally inflicted by society (circumcision, tooth removals, gallbladder removals, etc), and other things. It is similar to several other religions in that it forbids the cutting and shaving of hair on both men and women, but there aren’t a lot of religions that do that, and I almost always have difficulty resonating with the religious texts that they read – for instance, I tried to read the Sikh texts and still don’t feel comfortable with them, even though I agree with them about hair.

So, I can’t really talk to atheists about my desire to build an intentional community, and an intentional religion, that will permanently improve the quality of life of every generation of people born in this religion. I do view it as a religion and not a mere ‘philosophy,’ because there is some meditation involved, and because it involves values, not just a search for ‘objective truth’ or something like that. There is a vision of what type of people are ideal, and an attempt to build a world where people can more easily be that way, not just the blaming of people for failing to live up to that. The world should support everything you do and help you to live up to the standards of the religion.

An annoying thing has happened twice now with me and churches. A couple years ago, I wasn’t living in this apartment, but rather on the other side of town, farther away from the UU church, which I still sort of want to go to, but haven’t yet. Well, I emailed the contact person on the website, the pastor minister or whatever, asking if there was anybody who was able to give people rides to church. I never got a reply at all.

I put up an ad on craigslist around that same time asking if anybody could give me rides on Sunday morning, and nobody ever answered the ad, even though I was offering to pay money. The only person who replied was some weird serial killer kind of person who seemed very suspicious and distrusting of me, asking me all sorts of weird questions, so I never did anything with that person. I just need a fucking ride! That’s all! There’s nothing suspicious about this! I’m not doing drug deals! I’m not trying to get hurt in an accident and sue you for a million dollars! I just want a fucking ride to church! This weirdo just didn’t get it. Nobody else answered the ad.

So, this time – I went to Matthew’s church, which was originally Hannah’s church, just once. I rode in a taxi to get there. Matthew, while he was here, was going to give me rides to the church, and that was fine with me. I was going to go with him. I do get frustrated whenever he keeps repeatedly telling me that all I need to do is go to a church, however, I am not completely against that idea either – I *slightly* agree with the idea that there could be *some* benefits from going to a church. So, I do actually want to go, but I also want to get a lot of encouragement from a physical person who will physically interact with me, encourage me, and get me out of bed, and give me a ride, and force me to have an obligation to wake up and do whatever I promised them I would do. There is nothing that can motivate me to do this except a real, physical, specific person, and I have to care a lot about that person, and it doesn’t seem to be female, it has to be a male, and it has to be a male that I care about a lot. I can’t just get encouragement from some female friend who wants to make me go to church.

Well, I wanted to go back to that church again, with a pair of earplugs this time because the music was too loud. Guess what I did? I replied to the email that somebody sent me from that church. I had given them my email address on that one day that I went there on my own, and somebody sent me a welcome letter which said something to the effect of ‘If you need anything, send me an email! I’m a nice person who wants to help you!’ And guess what? I sent this email asking if there was anybody who could help people get rides over to the church. And you know what I got? No fucking response whatsoever. That’s right! All talk and no action. We’re all about rejoicing in the grace of God and some dumb shit like that, but who gives a fuck about actually driving a fucking car and taking somebody over to the goddamn church, which is outside the edge of town.

The CCC, Christ Community Church, is very similar to Jesse’s church, the Assembly of God. They had almost exactly the same kind of music, and the same sequence of events – a bunch of loud music where you’re standing up when you first come in, and then a gradual transition to quieter, slower music, which contains hypnotic frequencies either in the music or radiating from something in the building. The hypnotic frequencies entrain your brain and put you partially to sleep. I can feel it working on me, but because I’m aware of it, and because I am not entirely compatible with Christianity or the belief in God, I perceive it as an alien enemy rather than something wonderful that I can resonate with, and so I feel it but I do not let it completely overcome me.

I had difficulty hypnotizing myself during the many times when I tried to do it in the past, and I totally failed to be hypnotized by a stage hypnotist who did a demonstration at our school when I was in college – I tried and tried and tried, but could not lose consciousness. I was in the crowd, not up there with him, but still, you can at least try to listen to him from far away. I couldn’t do it to myself, and I couldn’t do it when someone else did it to me. The only thing that can hypnotize me is a strong electronic weapon. And the hypnotic suggestions would have to be customized to my personality type, and my personal likes and dislikes, and my personal beliefs and knowledge and values.

Also, the type of hypnotic suggestions that I desire most are something along the lines of ‘Be strong. Be an individual. Know what you yourself value, and go after those values. Assert yourself. Don’t be afraid of what other people think.’ That’s not really what they suggest to you at church, although they *kind of* suggest parts of that – they want you to be strong, as long as you are supporting Christian beliefs while you are strong. If you have to go against society to support Christian beliefs, they want that.

Except, not really, because I really don’t see a lot of nonconforming, strong, fundamentalist, extreme Christians coming out of there and living their lives differently than everybody else in society. I also don’t see them talking about any challenging or controversial subjects at all. What they talked about last time was a bunch of vague waffle about how we didn’t want to be racists or be prejudiced against any particular groups, waffle waffle, nothing of substance really, but it sounded kind of nice. Nothing specific to go on, just nice
intentions. But they’ll never actually be bothered to take the trouble to give me a ride in the car to drive me towards those nice intentions. The nice intentions are just floating out there in space with no practical action towards them.

That was something I did appreciate about Matthew. He was physically helping me because he felt that his god would want people to give practical, material help to other people. He carried some bags out of the tent for me and drove them over to my apartment. And he insisted on carrying them himself even though they were heavy and I could have carried at least one. He also was suggesting other things I could do as a job, like being an uber driver, and I still remember that and I’m still taking it seriously, I just couldn’t do it right away and I have other things that I have to focus my extremely limited energy on doing. I haven’t forgotten it at all.

Like I said to him and like I have said here several times, I loved every minute that I was with him, even though it was a very limited number of minutes, over a short couple weeks. I can even tolerate learning about the bible, through him. I don’t like to read it myself, but if *he* is reading it, thinking about it, musing over it, and asking about it, then I will too, because we did that in the parking lot when we were going to go get the bags out of the tent. He was looking up some quotes about the parable of the seeds, which seeds are able to sprout and which ones can’t, if you throw them in the right place, or throw them onto a stony area without any soil, or throw them among the thorns.

I am very difficult soil. Not only do I have difficulty sprouting Christian beliefs and the word of God, I also did not remain pregnant for very long when I got pregnant in September of 2016. I felt it, and it lasted only a few days before it died, too soon to even show up on a pregnancy test. I seem to find strange nutrition in strange places. I find it myself. I was nourished by the Weston Price book – it completely changed my life and my perception of everything. I am nourished by David Wilcock and Corey Goode’s work – they are extremely different from others, although I don’t agree with every single thing they do 100% or every single thing they believe. I have a few limits, but overall, I’m very well nourished by them. I have great difficulty finding any nourishment in the Christian bible. I have this feeling that I’ve already heard it all before and have already found that it was either useless, or that the people who believed in it weren’t doing anything of practical value in the world other than claiming that they believed in the bible.

I have a lot more respect for people like the Amish. They are actually living an extremely different lifestyle because of their beliefs, and they endure hardships and inconvenience to do so. They maintain strict boundaries and only adopt technology very gradually, many decades after it appears, and only after asking whether it really benefits their community. I’m not saying the Amish are perfect – I disagree with a lot of things they do, too. For instance they do use pesticides, whereas I believe a religion should completely forbid all pesticides – they are so harmful to people and to the whole world.

There are a few little things like that, but I’m saying, overall, the Amish are living a very different lifestyle because of their beliefs, and I respect them for that. I can’t see anything like that when I look at mainstream Christians who go to mainstream Christian churches and talk about vague ideas that have no application to their daily lives, other than maybe ‘Don’t give up when things get difficult – God is helping you.’ That same message over and over again is all I can hear.

Anyway I was originally talking about how I’m not really a strict atheist either, and I don’t necessarily ‘fit in’ when I go to a group of official atheists or forums about atheism online. I have beliefs and values that go against a lot of things the atheists believe and value, even if I also don’t entirely fit in with Christianity or any other existing pagan beliefs or any New Age spiritual beliefs. I don’t really fit into anything.

The only existing belief systems that I *kind of* fit into are things like Gnosticism, although I actually know almost nothing about it. The only thing I know about Gnosticism is, it says something like ‘There might actually be real gods out there, powerful beings who can do some of the things that people claim they can do, but those powerful beings are not necessarily our friends, and worshipping them is not necessarily the best thing to do.’ I totally, totally agree 100% with that! That is how I see the world. All sorts of things are possible. People have supernatural experiences and paranormal experiences and technological experiences. I don’t know every detail about everything that goes on in the universe, and there’s a lot out there that could be going on without my knowledge of it, and so many things are possible.

But even so, I instinctively resist ‘worshipping’ or submitting to the will of a powerful being. I’m able to submit to government laws when I know that the entire society will turn against me and kill me, force me to pay fines, or put me in prison for breaking some law, but I’m not happy about it, and I don’t enshrine this behavior into a religion saying that it’s a good thing to do. Government is a ‘necessary evil,’ some people say – I don’t really phrase it that way. But it is an evil. I am not going to make a religion that says that submitting to the will of government, joyfully, and thankfully, while giving praises as loudly as possible, and incorporating government’s will into our lives, is a good and wonderful thing to do. I am not going to write and sing songs about the joys of government and the greatness of government.

So I am perfectly capable of submitting to powerful, threatening groups when it’s necessary to do so, and powerful, threatening individuals who are willing and able to kill me whenever they want to, or torture me, or imprison me, or destroy my entire life, or whatever they want to do. Yes, there are other forces out there that have power over me. But I don’t have to be happy about it.

That is one reason why I frequently meditate about my concept of Anaya. Anaya is not a ‘deity,’ but rather, a vision of an ideal group of humans, and I define them with my socionic type: the ENFP and ISTP types, the most compatible types with my own personality (and I sometimes also talk about the ESTJ and INFJ in the Delta Quadra, or other types outside the quadra and my relations with them). But Anaya is designed deliberately to be compatible with my own personality type.

And the question or thought that I frequently meditate on, over and over, because it is a very big unsolved problem for me, a huge issue for me that never goes away, is the question, How can somebody be both good, and powerful?

I cannot imagine a powerful god who is also good. I am accustomed to a world in which powerful people are never good, and good people are never powerful. Never, never have I seen someone who is
simultaneously good, and powerful. If someone had a lot of power, then what could they do in the world, in the real world, the physical world, that was also very good? What do I define as a very good thing to do if you have a lot of wealth and power? What kind of power do they have and how is it manifested? What uses of power are okay? I meditate about these things to build my vision of Anaya – Anaya isn’t a deity, but a group of people who, for me, are composed of the ISTPs and ENFPs, who manifest very healthy traits that are capable of developing in those two types, so that my expectations are realistic. You can’t expect an ISTP to become a master of controlling and expressing emotions, for instance – that doesn’t work with their personality type. You *can* expect them to do things that their type is able to do. Anaya only expects its people to do things that they are capable of doing, and doesn’t demand that they do things, or become things, or are required to be things that they cannot, and Anaya does not blame them and judge them for failing to do those things.

Anaya is different from the Christian god because Anaya is mortal and finite, with limited power, and not omniscient or omnipotent. Anaya does not create the world, and Anaya does not write the script of every event that happens. Anaya does not use electronic weapons to control the brains of every person on the planet. Anaya avoids and escapes from electronic mind control because they value free will above almost everything else in the universe. Free will is the ultimate sacred value held over everything. Free will.

I’m going to post this… it’s too long. I should go read something. I’m still waiting for these danged maintenance people to come over and fix my leaking faucet.

Instead of reading Matthew’s bullshit spiel, I donated $100 to Chris

May 30, 2017

I sent a couple messages to Matthew asking about some things that I would really like to know, which pertain to the events that happened between us. Somebody sent me a message on facebook and I assume it might be him, but instead of going and reading it, I answered Chris’s GoFundMe request and gave him $100. Doing this gives me great satisfaction in a malicious way. Matthew wants to treat me like crap and pretend I’m a piece of shit that doesn’t exist and isn’t even human, and meanwhile, with the other hand in my wallet, still looking him in the eye waiting for his reply to my message, I pull out $100 bucks and donate it to his competitor, another ENFP who I am very compatible with and have known for several years.

The reason why I never went with Chris was because he was using benzodiazepines, and whenever I touched him, or any of his belongings, I transdermally absorbed the partially metabolized benzodiazepines excreted from his skin, which caused me to go into withdrawal a couple hours later, having suppressed convulsions and trying not to vomit. This would happen anytime I touched him, and when I touched a book that he gave me, which was about crystals. I would have been with him years ago if I hadn’t been reacting so badly to his benzodiazepines. They gave me a horrible feeling. I seem to tolerate other people’s antidepressants a little better, although I do still get contaminated by them and still have reactions to them. But benzo seems to be utterly intolerable and causes extreme reactions.

Wanna donate to the ‘Tell Matthew To Go Fuck Himself While We Spend Our Money On Decent Human Beings Who Aren’t Treating Us Like Shit’ Fund? Well, I shared a link to it on facebook.

So, here’s what happened with Matthew in the past day or so

May 29, 2017

I forget exactly what time this was, but I got an impulse to send a message to Hannah. I had found her facebook page the week before, when I opened up the little blue globe browser on my phone and saw that her page was still sitting there, wide open, since the last time I had been with Matthew and he had shown her to me. I usually used the Chrome browser, which was why I went such a long time without noticing that her page was there. I had no access to any of his pages or his friends’ pages when he blocked me, which was why I was thinking I would like to learn how to hack a computer, but don’t have the time, energy, money, or motivation to do that right now. The only thing I could learn by hacking Matthew’s computer is what kind of pedophile porn he looks at, which wouldn’t help me much. I can’t lose this layer of fat that I have on me. It just won’t go away. I’m not going to be a skinny little girl that pleases the pedophiles anymore.

So it was sort of a miracle, in some twisted way, and yet, not really a good miracle, when I suddenly found Hannah’s page, which allowed me to learn more about Matthew and the situation without having to hack a computer.

I was given the urge to send her a message. It was one of the urges that comes very early in the morning when I wake up, which guarantees it’s mind control.

I had been basically preparing myself to say goodbye to Matthew by talking to Hannah. I had intended only to find out that he was still alive, doing well, and back in Bucks County, so that I wouldn’t have these confusing incidents of seeing people who looked like him from behind or from far away and thinking he might, possibly, by some miracle, have stayed here. That kept happening. Only now, I’ve been seeing people who look exactly like him, but very definitely are not him – one was an old homeless kind of guy, and one was a young guy who could’ve been his brother – I was looking directly into Matthew’s eyes and knowing that this was absolutely not Matthew, he looked that much alike. That happened just today!

I had meant to just ask Hannah, what happened, did the two of you ever get together, did you know he loved you, where is he now, is he okay. I had assumed that nothing at all would happen as a result of this, and that Hannah would not be able to do anything that would change Matthew’s behavior at all.

However, she spoke to him about this, and the result was that he unblocked me, which immediately sent me a confusing mixed message – am I allowed to talk to him now, or what? Am I being *rewarded* for doing something bad? I now have to cope with this mixed message somehow, right after being mentally prepared to simply find out that Matthew had gone home, he was okay, he was moving on, and I was going to let them both go, him and Hannah both, forever, just let them go, knowing he’s okay, and I’ve gotta just do something else.

Now, it suddenly changed, the door is open for communication, although for how long, I don’t know. They forced me, all day long, to have urges to tell lies to him, to say things that were not my own speech, all day long. I was at work, I was eating with Aunt Jeannie, all day long I kept getting fake urges to say something to him, something which was a lie, something which was fake and unnatural that I myself would not say.

The things that I do have to say are very different from what they force me to say. They put on a fake persona which completely covers the real me and what I would say.

I actually got a message from Matthew saying basically ‘OMG! YOU LUNATIC! NEVER NEVER TALK TO HANNAH! END OF WORLD!’ Except not in all caps and not quite that exaggerated. So, after I got that message, I had to go lie down in bed, and process everything he had said to me. He said several things that re-traumatized me again, and the trauma felt like this huge bruise inside my brain, spreading out and blanking everything out so that I couldn’t think, I couldn’t feel, and I couldn’t speak. The voices were talking to me, saying fake words, trying to force me to agree with the fake words, but I could not say anything because my brain felt like it had just been hit with a mallet. I just had to lie there being traumatized for a very long time. I did EFT tapping as best as I could.

So, this irony – I had been all mentally prepared to simply get a reply from Hannah, which would have no impact on Matthew at all – I assumed they would simply remain separate, and she wouldn’t speak to him or inform him about this message I sent her. I figured she would do nothing. She was nice enough to me and answered my questions, and then, finally, I thanked her, because I didn’t want to waste any more of her time, knowing she wasn’t responsible for Matthew and none of this was her fault. So I was going to just disconnect from her, after thanking her sincerely, and summing up what she had told me, and I was going to let it go forever, for real. I really, really was ready to do that. I was just going to be like, ‘Okay, I’ve made my peace with Matthew. I know he went home. I know he’s alive. I know he’s moving on with his life and it’s all over and done now. Goodbye forever Matthew.’

Then suddenly this results in a door being opened again. And that door is now still open. He hasn’t slammed it shut – YET. Emphasis on yet! I know it will be slammed shut again soon. Then that traumatic bruise will bleed through my brain again like before, and I will be utterly silenced. It’s truly a horrible trauma. It is no small thing. It is extremely severe.

So now, I have to actually choose what I am going to say to him, because he has been responding, although still only telling me things that amount to ‘Die, you worthless piece of shit, I don’t give a flying fuck what happens to you.’ I can get responses now, although useless ones. So now I have to resist the urges, all day long, to say something fake to him that the voices are forcing me to say. Yet I cannot explain this to him – I can’t say to him, ‘I’m getting an urge to say XYZ, but that’s fake, that’s not the real me,’ because he doesn’t understand or give a fuck about this.

I am trapped inside this body, and I have real things to say that come from the real me, but I am prevented from knowing what they are. All the things that I say come from the fake external personas that are being put through me by mind control. Matthew doesn’t even know the real me. He’s never heard what I have to say.

‘Tell the truth, always, all the time,’ I’ve been saying to the voices, when they try to force me to speak. They must tell the absolute truth, but instead, they keep lying, over and over. Every single thing they say is a lie! Every fucking thing! Tell the truth! Just tell the truth! Tell MY truth! My truth comes from within me! It is what I say when nobody is controlling my mind!

To top it all off I’m in a worse mood than usual for unknown reasons, as I said in the previous post. The pain of being mistreated by Matthew, being treated as a worthless piece of shit who deserves death, being made fun of and talked about with utter contempt, all of that pain is combining with this worse-than-usual feeling that I have for unknown reasons. And all the mind control is doing is telling me that I deserve to be treated like a worthless piece of shit.

Now you see why I’m so impatiently waiting for the shungite rocks to be delivered, and why I hope so strongly that they have some beneficial effect like all the people on the internet are saying. People really are making HUGE claims about the power of shungite. I had only thought that I would eventually build a shield out of shungite tiles, but now I’m hoping that maybe it’s true, maybe even merely holding and touching the rocks is enough to have some benefit. It probably is true that if you use it as a shielding material for an entire room or a box, it is able to block some kinds of energy, but it seems less likely to be true that you can benefit merely by having some rocks around.

So yeah, I’m in this weird moment now, where Matthew *is* allowing back-and-forth communication, temporarily, but only because Hannah spoke to him after I sent her a message. I had been all ready to make peace with Matthew forever and to have closure, to simply hear from Hannah that he was home, he was safe, he was alive, he was doing his own thing, and I was going to move on.

Now, instead of that, I actually have access to the real Matthew, who seems to utterly loathe me and distrust me and is all paranoid about me, who doesn’t care whether I live or die and wants nothing to do with me at all, but is barely tolerating a small amount of
communication for the time being. I don’t even know what to do with myself now.

And how long until he blocks me again? At random, for no reason? Is he gonna just block me spontaneously in the middle of nowhere when I haven’t even done anything annoying?

I don’t have any practical method of ‘moving on after Matthew.’ I had been planning to just simply keep doing what I was doing, just struggling and getting by, every day, without him, but this time I would be doing it with the certain knowledge that at least he was at home, he was safe, and he was in good hands, and I could forget about him for the rest of eternity knowing he was taken care of.

Now I am in this weird twilight zone of mixed messages. I truly have no idea what to even do with myself. This is extremely agonizing.

Shungite… now… and it had better work

May 29, 2017

I really, really, really need to block some negative energies right now. I am a little bit concerned about the fact that shungite comes in several different grades of ore, which I didn’t know when I bought it. To know if it’s real, supposedly you can use a voltage meter and get a current through it. I need to get a multimeter. I had one before the decon.

I drank tea for only two days, and my broken right bicuspid shattered even more. I’ve already seen correlations with tea and rapid severe tooth decay and breakage. Tea is not a health food, no matter how many "antioxidants" it contains. It is a poison.

I’m feeling once again that it’s time to leave this town, even though that will cut off a lot of people I know. I can treat it as a temporary vacation. And I don’t want to merely go to West Virginia for a week or two. I need to go to a completely different place, very far away, sunny and warm and with an ocean and mountains. I need massive, massive healing. I also need a huge decon of my clothing. All new clothes.

I’m waiting for the shungite, and I pray, I pray it works as well as people are saying. They are making very extreme claims about how miraculous it is, even when it’s not used to tile a shielded room, but merely worn as jewelry or in the pocket.

I want a tiara of semiprecious stones to amplify my brain field. It will probably have shungite in it.

I got free shipping on the shungite by using the slowest possible delivery method. So… wait and wait….

My mood is utterly horrible today. It’s bad enough I want to quit my job. I don’t know which specific things are triggering the extremely bad mood. I have done a lot of things that could be causing it – tea, essential oils,

Oh, fuck you, fire engine. I’m not happy with Matthew right now. Fire trucks remind me of him. He’s a volunteer fire fighter.

Anyway, tea, essential oils, and my live herbs (culinary), along with secondhand transdermal residues on my clothing.

I’m sorry, Nader, but I don’t wanna do the paperwork for you. I am having a little rebellion. People are gonna be mad at me for being rebellious at work. I’m just having a worse and worse attitude. It’s time to go on a major vacation for a long time to an extremely different place. I’m done with this fucking hell hole. I need happy weather and oceans and air and mountains and I need to be surrounded by decent human beings who have souls.

Shungite, hurry. I need to shield and transform my negative energy.

I just remembered a horrible dream with a guy in a garbage bag

May 28, 2017

11:10 AM 5/28/2017

I had a horrible dream last night, and I just remembered it because I saw a similar image in some google image search results. The image that was on google was a guy with a box over his head. Those kinds of images are disturbing to me. I don’t like seeing things where people or animals can’t breathe.

In the dream, I had brought this guy to some authority figure seeking help for him (I know what this is about – something that happened in real life relates to this). This was a guy with long red hair. He was being abused and I wanted someone to help him.

So I took him to this desk where a couple people were sitting. They seemed to be college students. There were, I think, three people sitting at this desk. I left him there, and came back a while later.

I found that they had taken him back to a place behind the desk, and they had a garbage bag over his whole body, or most of it. He was still alive in there. Someone said, ‘Is it tight?’ I assumed that everything was okay and that he was still breathing.

However, I decided just to check and make sure, so I stuck my finger through the garbage bag to rip it open, and when I ripped it open, I saw that everything underneath the garbage bag was NOT okay. I had assumed he was just in there, in the bag, but it turned out that all kinds of stuff was going on in there – he had this bag over his face, and it was a lunch box, an insulated lunch box type of bag. He had also been tied up and restrained so he couldn’t move his arms. I had reason to believe that there might be duct tape or something over his mouth or nose inside the lunch bag thing too. And there were other things over his body, I forget what, things restraining him.

‘Wow, I’m glad I checked!’ I said, and I was just about to start taking this stuff off of him, seeing that he was still alive, and he didn’t seem to be thrashing around or upset about anything – he seemed to be just quietly submitting to this. But that was when I woke up.

The voices said that this was ‘excessive retaliation’ after I woke up. It’s what happens when you go to the authorities asking them to help someone else. If you don’t constantly monitor what they’re doing, they will do something terrible to the person in the name of helping them. That’s what happens if you send someone to the psychiatric ward, for instance.

I absolutely cannot wait for this shungite stone to be delivered!

May 28, 2017

Every single thing that I am reading about shungite, all of the people’s experiences with it, are exactly what I need. It blocks negative energy and changes it into positive energy. People are finding that it changes their relationships with other people who are attacking them – you stop responding emotionally to the attacks, and then, these people have some distance from you, and then after that they return to you in order to be healed by you. The stones are healing sick people and animals who have no chance of being healed. I just can’t wait to see what this is going to do for me. And over time, after I have enough tiles, and enough money, I’m going to build spaces out of shungite where people can stay inside and be shielded and healed. I ordered it by free shipping, so it’s going to be over a week or so before I get it. I am just like jumping up and down with excitement to finally be getting this, after reading about it for a long time. I forget when I first read about it, maybe in 2016. I also got those semiprecious stone beads and started feeling all the energetic sensations I felt while touching them while meditating and praying. I literally feel some kind of electricity flowing through them while I’m holding them. I loved crystals and stones all my life. If I could, like I said in the previous blog, I would surround myself with thousands of them, on every surface and every wall and floor.

The floors would be made of stone, and I would grow mosses and lichens on the stones. The sunlight would come through the ceiling in sun pipes, instead of artificial light, although maybe I would also want some artificial light, and maybe I would use candles made of natural materials, like beeswax or tallow (I don’t know how my lungs will react to natural candles, so they are to be tested in the future to see if I get any lung problems or cardiovascular problems from smoke inhalation). Or maybe I will just choose some artificial lights that have the most tolerable spectrum, like the warm infrared incandescent bulbs.

There would be live plants everywhere, and moisture and vapor in the air. A lot of the plants would be edible herbs, but if I had plenty of those, I would also grow lots of things for variety even if they weren’t edible. I love to grow native plants that would survive outdoors, but maybe someday I will feel confident enough in my ability to provide a safe, permanent, warm climate for them that I would be willing to house some exotic tropical plants. I just don’t like the thought that I might lose the electricity or lose my home and these helpless tropical plants wouldn’t be able to survive in the cold outdoors in this climate. I want to just plant all the potted plants outdoors in the yard if all else fails, if my life falls apart and I can’t take care of the plants anymore, if I am suddenly forced to move and can’t relocate all the plants with me. I like self-sufficient plants that won’t die when this happens.

It would be wonderful to grow trees indoors, too. This is going to be a huge mansion, maybe underground, filled with many levels, but also full of light in spite of being indoors. If there are portals, then I will have portals to the sun, portals transmitting sunlight right from the source. We don’t need artificial light if we have sun portals, although a portal might create harmful energy if you’re standing too close to it, so we might have to locate the portal in a place farther from our bodies and then send the light through sun pipes.

I cannot wait – to heal and be healed, to heal myself and others, to heal the life and the love that I know I should have.

I don’t mean to imply that all of this will come merely from shungite. Shungite is only one small step in a long process.

I’m drinking this chai tea stuff this morning.

I moved my potted herbs into the larger planter. The cilantro died, probably because it got moldy – there was mold under it when I gently dumped it out to put it into the bigger pot.

Both the Delta Quadra and the Beta Quadra have a similar kind of perception and a similar kind of decision-making. They have global-negative perception, and local-positive decisions. Global negative perceptions (-Si and -Ne emphasized in Delta, and -Se and -Ni emphasized in Beta) are when you see and understand the world as a large, general system, or see things as happening all the time, and see things in terms of avoiding, fixing, or preventing negative forces in that system, forces that can harm you and overpower you, forces that interfere with your potential, forces that threaten your way of life or put you into situations you can’t get out of.

Decisions are made locally (+Te and +Fi for Delta, +Ti and +Fe for Beta) and can only be made by you – you’re the one who has to take these specific actions in the local environment, and they can’t be outsourced. If an action can’t be outsourced, then it’s a local decision. I’m the only one who can take the practical action to clean up the mess in this bedroom. I can’t outsource that to the global economy. It’s like the joke, ‘How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? None. The free market will take care of it.’

Delta and Beta are opposite quadras, with the greatest differences and conflicts in how they process information, but they do have this similarity in their global negative perception with local positive decisions.

Local positive decisions are also about ‘doing it right.’ You have to use a detailed process of taking actions, and it has to be done right, +Te. You have to go through a detailed specific process of developing a close relationship with a person, and this relationship has to grow properly and be done right, +Fi.

I’m kind of running out of steam, and find it harder to describe the other two quadras, Gamma and Alpha, with local positive perceptions and global negative decisions. I only know that when I interact with them and try to receive help from them, their decisions feel like they’re being made ‘too quickly’ for me, quick global decisions that are vague and general, as though there is a universal consensus that ‘everybody likes X so we don’t have to worry about how the individual people are feeling.’ Like, ‘Everybody likes living in a house, so let’s just go out and get you A HOUSE, and that’s all you need.’ I feel like I can only make the decision myself, because it is such a detailed decision, about which house I will live in, but the Alphas and Gammas seem to be like, ‘Any old house will do, just decide quickly in a general way and we can all decide this together instead of having you do the decision individually.’

Global decision making functions mean that everybody decides something together, and things can be outsourced to faraway places because you don’t have to do them yourself (-Te in particular from Gamma). In Alpha, it’s -Fe, so a decision is made by a group: We all together have negative emotions about something, so we’re all going to do something as a team to fix this or deal with this. I just saw the ‘working as a team’ thing in Wes Anderson’s movie ‘Bottle Rocket,’ which I just watched the other day – I’ve typed him as INTJ from Alpha, and his favorite friends and actors who always appear in his movies are other Alphas.

I am still kind of thinking about exactly how I could put up an advertisement asking for people to let me interview them and do research on their personality types. I’m looking for places where I could put up a sign that people would see. I would probably not ask for specific types, because I think that would get some hostility and negative reactions directed at me.

Ideally in the long run I also want to have an EEG system that reads people’s brains, like Dario Nardi uses to type people. I will be different from him and type people socionically, which means that J means J, and P means P, and you don’t do the J/P switch for introverts like those Jungian Cognitive Function idiots are doing. These systems are expensive, unless you build it yourself, which means you require time, energy, materials, knowledge, and commitment to getting it done. People are building them online, homemade EEG systems.

I’ll finish this up… I hope that everything I’m reading about shungite is true. I hope it helps me as much as it sounds like it could.

Shungite stone – I ordered some

May 27, 2017

I ordered one tile, and one bag of tumbled small stones. The tiles are expensive enough that I can’t buy a lot of them, but in the long run, I will make a small area covered with tiles which is able to surround my body, like in a small box with open ends to let air in. This will be my shield. It is experimental. Since I can’t build a surrounding box out of it right now, I will just be testing to see what sensations I feel while touching it. I do feel all sorts of sensations while touching and holding the various crystal beads and semiprecious stones. I just love stones so much, and I would surround myself with stones, build the walls out of stones, decorate everything with semiprecious stones, if I could.

I wonder what kind of stone the Maya spaceship is made out of?

I can’t wait till this gets delivered.

I also ordered a music book, after going to Barnes & Noble and finding out that it wasn’t available in the store right now. I got rid of all my books during the decontamination, and now I want to buy back a couple of them. I also want Diana Leafe Christian’s books back eventually. And Weston Price. Right now I’m getting William Russo’s ‘Composing Music’ book. I also just got the other David Wilcock books, but haven’t really started reading them yet.

I hope that the shungite has interesting effects. People are saying all sorts of things about it. They are describing it as an extremely powerful stone. In the long run, I want to have enough of it to put up tiles all around the walls of a small room, but that would cost thousands of dollars. I could just acquire one tile at a time gradually, over a period of years. But that’s only if I feel that it’s actually doing something, after handling these tumbled stones and this one individual tile. It is supposed to shield from
electromagnetic energy, but they are claiming it does all sorts of other stuff – energy healing, transforming negative energy into positive energy, and so on.

I only know how I feel when I touch things, and I know I feel sensations when I touch these special semiprecious stones and crystals. If something makes me feel good enough that I’m able to meditate without feeling distracted, then it’s worth the money, and that’s what I’m hoping shungite will do.

So many aromatherapy oils I don’t even know which one I’m smelling. I went on an adventure to get real dirt for my plants.

May 25, 2017

I’m not really trying to appreciate the subtle nuances of each and every essential oil. I just love them all and have been dumping them into a huge pool of oils (really just a little shallow plastic lid a couple inches across). I love them so much, I want to take a bath in them, but haven’t actually done that yet. It is possible to put a few drops of oil in the bath, though. Most likely I will do that soon.

I went out and got some real dirt for my plants. There’s a story to what I did. I bought a big planter at Rite Aid, and on my way home, I went up this road which is right next to my apartment. It was the wrong way, and I knew it was the wrong way, but I went there anyhow. I wanted to go to the little wooded area so that I could collect a bunch of real dirt, real humus, made from fallen leaves and sticks, which had not been disturbed for a very long time.

The reason why the wrong way was wrong was because, if you go that way, you will get stuck in a fenced in area, and have to either turn back or climb over the fence. I was wearing some wimpy sandals that were almost falling off because they didn’t have a loop over the back of my ankle. I tried climbing a steep hill on those, and my feet slid backwards right out of them.

So I walked all through this big sports field behind the school, thinking the whole time that somebody would see me and get mad at me because I was there, carrying a ‘bomb,’ the big plastic planter that I was going to put the dirt in. I was a suspicious person trespassing on school property. If anything, it’s a seed bomb – that’s a real thing. I am a guerilla gardener!

Finally I reached this fence and had to go over it. But the last time I climbed a chain link fence, I weighed dozens of pounds less than I do now, and was much smaller. Old ladies do not climb chain link fences barefoot. I did this, at great risk, catching my hooded sweatshirt on the top of the fence and snagging it so it pulled up all my shirt as I was climbing down the other side, right at the moment when some lady was out there walking to the community garden.

But I made it into the woods. At this place, there was a lot of bamboo, which was invading the opposite side of the fence by sending roots underground. Bamboo is extremely hard to eradicate, if you don’t want it. However, it’s a valuable building material, so people should use it for something rather than just chopping it down.

There was this weird looking thing full of electrical wires, which looked dangerous but seemed to be deactivated. It had all these different multicolored connections on it. There was some old surface thing, like a wooden door, something flat and manmade, that I was walking on. I was surrounded by this bamboo jungle, and some huge old tree trunks, and ivy, and it was wet and rainy and the sky was grey. There wasn’t really a path here, just a little tiny space where maybe someone had stepped there a few times.

Something fell out of my bag, which I maybe ought to have abandoned there anyway, because I decided I didn’t want it. I randomly bought a supplement at Rite-Aid, but then decided it was too dangerous to use, so I’m not going to use it, and it would have been okay if it had fallen out of my bag and I had left it there. However, I noticed it was gone from the bag and I went back and picked it up off the ground. I was not happy about having to go back into the bamboo jungle after having gotten out of it. It was right behind someone’s fence and I was afraid someone would get mad at me, and I figured the bamboo trees were all shaking and moving around as I was pushing through them.

I did get out of this and onto the right path that I had intended to go on, which is much easier to reach if you approach it from the opposite side of the fence that I had to climb over. If I had gone the right way, I would have just walked all along that long fence, and then gone directly into the wooded area, no problem. I just needed to collect some soil.

So I got this soil. It seemed like there were rugs buried under the soil. There was junk and garbage there, rotting for decades. I found something that looked like a syringe, and prayed that this wasn’t a heroin users’ dump and that I wasn’t going to poke myself on a needle. But I got enough soil for my planter.

I am not happy about using the normal potting soil that you buy in the store. I don’t know what exactly is in that, but I don’t think it has as many nutrients as real humus from fallen leaves and fallen twigs does. This humus even has real, live insects crawling around in it, which are now in my bedroom. You can’t buy real live insects in your soil from the store.

On the way out of this little jungle I saw a lady at the garden nearby, and I said hi to her… a bit nervously. I’m sure she did see me crawling over the fence and shaking all the bamboo trees and walking back and forth in there looking for the thing that I dropped.

The supplement that I decided was too dangerous for me is called Prevagen, made from apoaequorin, originally found in jellyfish but then synthesized in the laboratory. I looked it up online after buying it, not before, and decided I didn’t like what I was seeing, so I’m not going to use it. I will find some alternative. It’s supposed to help with memory and other cognitive functions.

Well, now I have to move those little herbs into the bigger pot. I also need to buy another live cilantro plant, because the first one died for some reason, and I’m not sure why. The parsley is turning yellow too. Maybe this house is just as toxic as I think it is. But I’ll plant them and see how they do in the new soil. It isn’t from underneath walnut trees, so it won’t kill them with juglone poisoning (which I have accidentally done before).

Oh, by the way: the four letter types have this confusing problem that causes mistypings: the J/P switch for introverts in Jungian Cognitive Functions

May 25, 2017

I’m always using the four letter types because I prefer them over the three letter socionic types (like SLI, EII, LSE, IEE for the Deltas). However, if anyone figured out their type by using the ‘Jungian Cognitive Functions,’ then they are mistyped if they are an introvert. That method gives you a J or P, instead of a P or J respectively, but only for introverts. If you were to type yourself the same way they type extraverts, you’d be typed correctly (assuming everything else you did was correct – it’s not easy to determine a type without using an EEG brain monitor). So all these INFJs are wrongly calling themselves INFPs when they are not. P has a specific meaning, and J has a specific meaning, and the ‘Jungian Cognitive Functions’ people just totally ignore the meaning of those letters. J no longer means judging, and P no longer means perceiving, in their world. This is a huge monkey wrench screwing up all the typology systems.

the other houses of Anaya

May 25, 2017

Anaya includes the 7th house as well, the other half of the Delta Quadra, ESTJ and INFJ. The only reason why I talk about Anaya focusing on understanding the ENFP and ISTP is because that is my own ‘house.’ But I have had so many friends and loved ones and family members, including my ESTJ mom, coming from the other half of the Delta Quadra, that I want to include them as well. The reason why I use the tool of socionics so much while thinking of Anaya is because it is essential for understanding why two people fall in love with each other, and guaranteeing that everyone has someone to fall in love with is one of the explicit purposes of Anaya. I didn’t create socionics, and I don’t understand all the technical aspects of it, but I understand it well enough to use it for the purpose of bringing together compatible types of people so that they can love each other, teach each other, and help each other grow.

Ideally, Anaya would grow to encompass all the 16 types in the socion. However, there are reasons why I’m always emphasizing that it’s only for my type or only for Delta. It’s because I’ve been to churches and I’ve read religious writings, and all of them seem to be controlled by or written by other types, or have speakers who are other types, so that the things they say are not interesting to me, not helpful to me, not relevant to me, and not useful to me. Socionics determines what type of information your brain is able to process quickly, easily, and comfortably. You can receive information from your socionic conflictor all day long and yet never really process more than a few crumbs of it, while feeling constant pain and strain at trying to use your weak functions. But you can easily and quickly take in information from your own socionic quadra, and decide what to do with it, and apply it in your life as needed.

People also take lots and lots of information, over a lifetime, from other types that are outside their quadra. This might possibly come from the ‘contact functions,’ except that I don’t understand how those work well enough to really be sure that’s what it is. I just know that I, and my brother, both ISTPs, have tended to read a lot of books written by NTs; however, I also use a weird 16 component socionic model with plus and minus signs, and that model might explain why that information is useful to us.

Even if I can’t explain it easily because I don’t understand the model well enough, I do know that everyone gets some information from other quadras, over their entire life, especially when they read books.

So, as I was saying, ideally Anaya wants to include the entire socion, with all 16 types. But if it were to do so, I would *delegate* the task of researching each house to a member of that house. It is not possible to be as sympathetic to other socionic types as you are to your own. It is harder to understand them, no matter how much you might admire them, and it is harder to love and accept them, or sometimes even merely to *like* them. It’s true that you will still sometimes dislike members of your own house or quadra, but that is one thing Anaya wants to study – why do particular people annoy you, or why are they incompatible, even if they are a dual or identical type?

With my limited resources, and with my lack of ‘delegates’ to assign to the task, as of right now I only claim to have the slightest understanding of the entire Delta quadra, and that is all. I have a few friends or boyfriends in other quadras, but I don’t understand them as thoroughly and can’t give them what they need as easily as I can for the people inside my own quadra. I sort of ‘love them from afar.’ If Anaya ever becomes a real religion instead of an imaginary religion that I meditate about while lying in bed from chronic fatigue, then Anaya will indeed start delegating people from other quadras to study their own houses (note, the term ‘house’ is not used in socionics – you won’t find it anywhere. It’s just the word I use to refer to ‘a pair of duals.’ I would literally group people together into physical houses to live together in an intentional community, but it might include the entire quadra.).

The other reason why I keep emphasizing that Anaya’s goal is to thoroughly understand the 8th house is because I feel that other religions’ gods could not possibly love me – in fact, they would hate me and want me to burn in hell. They don’t understand me and don’t value me. I want someone who understands and values me no matter what, and ideally, that is what your imaginary god should do, to protect your life under the most terrible circumstances no matter what is happening to you, to always be there for you no matter how badly you are failing. The imaginary god should manifest in a real world community of people who are actually living their lives according to some kind of principle, something different from the mainstream society.

Those people should be similar enough to their god, in their personalities, that they are capable of emulating it. You cannot ever emulate a god whose personality type is different from your own. For instance, some people have described the Old Testament Christian god as an ISTJ, my own quasi-identical in the Beta Quadra. I can’t stand this particular god. It is absolutely evil to me. This is the god who judges entire civilizations and then wipes them out because they are sinful, and then expects you to thank him for it and praise him with constant, outwardly visible, loud, noisy shouts of faith. I just destroyed the entire country next door to you because they had a lot of prostitutes. Tell me how awesome and powerful I am, or I’ll find some excuse to destroy YOUR town, too. I can’t relate to this ISTJ god, think it is evil, and find every single word written about it to be a violation of my spirit. How can I emulate that god?

Similarly, Jesus is also not the same type I am. Jesus might be an INFP type, in the Beta quadra, based on the stuff he says. He certainly is not my socionic dual. I don’t think he’s an INFJ in Delta, either. I really don’t think he’s in the Delta quadra. He feels like something alien and evil to me. I cannot emulate him without totally violating my spirit, yet all of Christianity tells us we’re supposed to make ourselves like Jesus.

Therefore… Anaya. I made my own religion, with my own artificially created imaginary god, who is a being that I impart with desired characteristics, and try to contemplate how those characteristics could be possible, or how they would manifest in real human beings with personality types similar to my own – the ISTP, ENFP, INFJ, and ESTJ. Each of these types would have a different emphasis. Each one would manifest in its own specific way. Each one would be able to do some things better than other things. People are not required to violate their own nature to emulate an alien god who is blatantly evil to them and who would hate them if they encountered it in real life.

The god Anaya is also not all one single all-encompassing deity. It is, instead, viewed as a group of beings, both male and female, with different personality types, except that these people are higher people, more ideal, more well developed, much healthier, much more mature, wiser, more knowing, more powerful, more successful, than the average person is. They are admirable people who we would *want* to emulate. These beings are described as mortal, not immortal. They are finite, not infinite. They are not all-knowing or all-seeing. That makes them very, very different from the Christian god. They are simply healthy, admirable people who have the same personality types as my own and the people I love and understand the most. That is what I imagine when I meditate on Anaya.

If I ever cure or improve my chronic fatigue so that I can take action in the real world, then I won’t be sitting around meditating. I will first have to take care of my own needs, but if those are ever taken care of so that I feel secure, I might feel capable of helping other people and making the world a better place, for real, by taking real physical actions in the world. As of right now, it is all just a fantasy.

caffeine isn’t helping

May 24, 2017

I’m probably going to use up the last of the caffeine pills in this box and then not get any more. They’re not helping. I’d also prefer to use ginseng that didn’t have artificial vitamin B12 in it, which means I’d have to go someplace else to buy it, because that was the only kind they had at the particular store that I went to.

All I have now is the shakes, from the caffeine – my hands are trembling today – and it’s not helping me to get anything done around the house. I’d get just as much done if I were caffeine-free and just sleeping all day long. However, it’s making me write verbose messages in forums, some of which are going to make me unpopular. It’s also making me feel somewhat sick.

I need some alternative to this method of attempting to treat my chronic fatigue.

What I really need is a chemical-free house that doesn’t worsen my fatigue. The house has to be made out of simple, primitive materials that haven’t been treated with any chemicals, which means, I have to make the house myself, because anyone who makes an ‘official’ house that complies with all the zoning laws is going to make it out of toxic building materials. I don’t know exactly which material or which chemical is causing the problem the most.

Ugh, I feel utterly loathsome right now – I was googling urban exploration and ceiling tiles, which led to reading about secret rooms, and I ended up reading about, and watching, some videos of Michael Jackson’s secret rooms in Neverland. The comments on the youtube videos were 100% evil loyal trolls saying what a wonderful person he is, he just had a few problems, poor guy. I can honestly say I loathed Michael Jackson long before loathing him was popular. I loathed him from the first instant I heard the first song in 1983. I thought everyone who liked him was insane, which meant the vast majority of people in my school were insane.

So now I have his voice and his face stuck in my mind.

Bill Cosby is another one. I actually liked him, although not sexually. He was one of the few comedians who ever made me laugh when I was young. But I absolutely cannot view him as a sexual object – his physical body is utterly repulsive to me, his face, his manner, his appearance, his entire body – utterly disgusting. (I’m sick right now, so I tend to get stuck on thinking about things that are disgusting. I probably won’t get another box of vivarin when this one is used up – it’s really, really not helping at all.) Sadly, he might even be an ENFP, my socionic dual.

Anaya’s task is to research and thoroughly understand every member of the ‘8th house,’ that is, the section of the socion containing the ENFP and ISTP. I need to define good and evil for that house, based on what is possible for those two types, understanding the differences between members of the same type – what causes one ISTP to be different from another ISTP? Why is one member of that type more compatible with, or more desirable to, the dual than other members of that type? There are huge variations between members of the same type. When I meditate on Anaya, I think about this, and focus on the idea that no matter who they are, Anaya’s job is to totally understand and accept the realities of these two types, good or bad, pleasant or disgusting, so that I know all that is possible for them.

I’m not happy about the possibility that someone as loathsome as Bill Cosby could possibly be my dual, but if that is the truth, then I have to accept the truth. Next, it’s necessary to define what is possible for one person to achieve – if they are bad somehow, or failing somehow, if they are doing evil, is it possible for them to improve, and if so, how much? What is needed to stop someone from doing evil? What is needed to help someone do better? What kind of help is needed by a chronically ill person like me, who can’t accomplish anything at all, good or evil, other than sleeping all day long and then going to work at a job? What kind of help actually works, actually gets results? What techniques can these two types use on themselves to help themselves? That is Anaya’s job to find out. When I meditate on Anaya, this is what I think about.

Some alternative to caffeine… it’s just not helping at all…

Unsustainable manic projects

May 23, 2017

It’s 7am, which means I hate my job and want to do anything else but this. I’m on ginseng and caffeine. Iboprofen is making my eyelids swollen. Today’s unsustainable manic project, induced by drugs, is advertise a study of ISTP and ENFP, and question them in detail to find the differences between members of the same type. Can’t be done…

herbal drugs, long hair, and intestinal pain from eating an overripe banana, I think

May 21, 2017

My intestines are in agony, and it’s not even helping when I drink water, which usually helps if something like that happens. I stuck the rotten bananas in the freezer, hoping maybe I could salvage them later, but I think I’m probably not going to try to salvage them if they are giving me this much agony.

I had ginseng, and caffeine, and coca-cola, so I am able to obsess over the images. I mentioned the long hair thing in a forum, and got a couple answers, one of which was a complaint about the ‘man bun’ phenomenon. So I started googling man buns to see my reaction to them – I might prefer to have them on the nape of the neck instead of up high. It’s just important to avoid pulling any hair and causing traction alopecia.

I accidentally encountered a long haired asian man’s photo, and ended up googling them specifically. I’m afraid to like asian men, because their speech and thought is much faster, more intelligent, and more nuanced than my own. I feel like a slow, stupid, inferior person next to someone much more beautiful and pure than I am. So I look at these pictures of these incredibly beautiful people and I can barely breathe. They are slender, not overmuscular like American men, and they have beautiful faces, and they have souls. I can tell they are intelligent by looking at them. I do probably have to avoid asians if I’m going to feel inferior all the time.

Anyway, this behavior (looking at pictures) and feeling intense emotions or physiological responses, is caused by or aided by the herbal drugs and caffeine, not my usual behavior or my usual mood. It was just the ‘I can’t breathe’ feeling when I saw them –

I did at least get a couple of sympathetic or understanding responses in the forum where I mentioned this. I’m terrified to talk about it to anyone because of fear of rejection and being mortified.

A website called “Square” somehow got my email address and sent me a receipt when I made a debit card purchase

May 21, 2017

I didn’t give my email address to them. I just bought food at Bagel Crust for the first time with my debit card. I never gave anybody my email address at all, and they sent me this receipt in email. Am I going to keep getting spam from them forever now?

Didn’t go to ‘soulful sundown’ at church. Does the UU have a lot of Beta Quadra people?

May 21, 2017

I took a nap after cleaning for a while. I had intended to go to the UU church’s ‘Soulful Sundown,’ because it’s usually easier for me to go to anything that happens in the evening. But after I woke up from my nap, I suddenly decided that I didn’t feel like going, and nobody urged me or encouraged me to. I just heard a voice that shouted ‘You promised!!!’ as though I (or somebody else) had broken the promise.

I think I have some really shitty handlers right now. Things are not going very well. I have very brief, intermittent moments with people who seem benevolent who are able to encourage me or give me the right kind of vision of what needs to be done, people who make me feel good enough to do the things I need to do, but most of it, right now, is either just apathetic and indifferent, or giving me a kind of hostile negative feeling, or sometimes outright making fun of me. It’s a lack of support, and maybe not quite so much a hostile aggression attacking me or preventing me, although I still cannot access my own mind at all – there is a constant running stream of voices and garbage and gibberish that blocks me from my own mind.

Maybe the church is still open. I could wander over there and see what’s going on. I know the thing is over by now though.

I just have difficulties whenever I encounter too many people who are ENFJs and INFPs, and not enough people who are ENFPs and INFJs. When I used to go to the Game Night at the UU, and when I met a couple people in the Atheist Meetup Group, some of them were Beta Quadra types, and, not to say that those people are bad or that something’s wrong with them, but rather, because of socionics, when I’m an ISTP, the way they process information causes me to experience painful stress, and vice versa – we cannot relax and be ourselves together.

It’s kind of annoying – when I find a church whose ideas I agree with, in principle, like for instance how I once took an online test and got ‘unitarian universalist’ as the type of church I would be most similar to, besides just ‘atheist,’ well, it might turn out that the wrong type of people all go to that church. Whereas, the right type of people, the Delta Quadra, all tend to go to the most mainstream, most normal, most orthodox Christian churches, the ones that I absolutely do not resonate with at all and find horribly, unbearably boring to listen to.

But the only way I can find out is if I am able to go there, at all, to the UU, and get some support and encouragement to keep on going there over and over again.

Cleaning my room, and using medicinal herbs

May 21, 2017

I’m using like a dozen different over-the-counter herbal substances to help myself function. First, a caffeine pill; then a ginseng pill, which unfortunately is the one that contains toxic amounts of fake, synthetic vitamin B12 added to it, but it was the only bottle of ginseng available in the entire store, so, I now have allergies and have been sneezing due to the use of synthetic vitamins. All synthetic vitamins cause sneezing and allergies. To get rid of allergies, stop eating all synthetic vitamins in any form, whether they are added to food or in pills, and your sneezing and allergies will instantly stop within a day.

So, I’m on a caffeine pill, ginseng, Coca-Cola, and then, I also painted a bunch of different essential oils onto my hand, just kind of as a joke. I had started off with one particular kind, then decided to just dump almost all of them on there. I’m noticing that essential oils don’t do a whole lot for me, although I can notice a few mild effects from them. They are mostly for experimentation and
entertainment. I enjoy the smells, especially since I have no sense of smell anymore, so the only things I can smell are extremely strong things.

I also was using my ‘prayer beads,’ which I can no longer buy more of because Crystal Cave went out of business or moved somewhere. It was on Calder Way. Steve showed it to me a few times because he liked the owner and used to chat with her. I loved it, in 2016, when I first started buying crystals and semiprecious stones again. I have always, always loved semiprecious stones and crystals, and now that I am more sensitive and aware, I notice that I can actually feel electricity flowing through them, no joke, and I’m not being all new-agey or woo-woo or anything. I actually feel sensations of electricity flowing in the stones when I hold them or when I touch them against my skin, and it probably varies with the type of stone. They greatly help me focus while meditating, especially if I place them on my face, over my eyes, on my chest, or anywhere else to ease discomfort. I would like to have tons and tons of chains of prayer beads made from semiprecious stones and crystals. Right now, they are just in short little chains of only a few beads, not connected together, which makes them kind of hard to hold onto, because they slide off and fall. It needs to be a big heavy pile of beads to stay in one place without being held down, if I am just draping it or setting it on my body.

Tourmaline is one example. They say tourmaline actually emits electrons, and it has all these weird piezo-properties, like when you heat it up or press on it, it emits some kind of radiation, or infrared or something. I definitely feel energy in the tourmaline stones, in addition to the fact that I absolutely love all their beautiful colors. I would spend huge amounts of money buying beads, stones, and crystals and just filling the house with them, and jewelry, but I don’t have tons of money.

I’m doing a ‘first pass,’ a filter, going through the piles of garbage in the room and removing OBVIOUS GARBAGE, like plastic bags. There is a lot of obvious garbage. After that, on a second or third pass, I will have to remove or organize other things that are less obvious and less easy to decide about.

I’m not getting a lot of friendly help from imaginary friends nowadays. Sometimes, some nice angel will visit me for a short time, but I didn’t tell this story. On the day when I went to Aunt Jean’s church, that night, a very nice voice was talking to me while I was lying in bed, and it was suggesting that I try working on time management again. However, while I was talking to this voice, later on, a bigger voice interrupted us and said, ‘DO NOT BE AFRAID,’ and then it was saying things I couldn’t hear, and then I heard a sound like somebody being strangled or shouting because they had been attacked, and the angel stopped talking to me. I don’t know how much of this was just a ‘show’ they put on for brainwashing purposes, but, that’s what happened. I know a lot of it is just a show to convince me that I can’t have any friends without them being attacked, or something.

I’ve had some not-very-enthusiastic imaginary helpers for a while, especially since Matthew left. Everything fell apart at that time. I’ve also been frequently ‘punished’ for posting anything on Corey Goode or David Wilcock’s site – they are controlling spiders and forcing me to encounter them as punishment for posting anything. They’re trying to tell me that I’m creepy and everyone hates me and they want me to leave. It’s like Luna Lovegood feeding the thestrals in her bare feet and saying to Harry Potter about how Voldemort wants to make him feel alone and isolated.

I’d watch the movies again, but I’ve seen them too many times. I’d like to see a remake by independent producers! With all new actors, and new choices of how everything will be interpreted visually, and new music, everything a completely new take on Harry Potter. They would choose differently about which parts of the book to include in the movie, and which parts to leave out, as a movie must always leave out some of the details and events in the book. It wouldn’t have any resemblance to the existing movies. That would be the whole point. Let’s see it all again, in a whole new way this time.

It could be lower budget – in fact, it would probably be BETTER if it were lower budget and lower tech. They could use more primitive special effects to create the magic. It doesn’t have to have huge, expensive, computer graphic scenes of Harry riding his broom away from a flying dragon that follows him out of the arena and crashes into the rooftops of Hogwarts, or any other garbage that got added into the movies at enormous expense. I really don’t care that much about seeing all that excitement and crap.

But maybe I will watch some other movie instead.

Where… in the hell… did I leave my GRAY COAT?????

May 21, 2017

I must have worn it on one of those days when it’s cold at the beginning of the day and warm later on, so that I didn’t feel like I needed it when I left. It could only be at one of the two MM stores, but I talked to both of them and neither of them see my gray coat. On the left sleeve, it has a tiny purple outline in embroidery in the shape of a leaf, which isn’t filled in. I made that during the couple of days when I was pregnant in September 2016. It was unintentional. I just had a desire to embroider, due to the (very brief) influence of pregnancy hormones, and the developing leaf became the symbol of the baby that grew a couple days and then died. I just wanted to wear my coat a few minutes ago because it’s chilly outside, and I am now going absolutely insane trying to find the coat.

A list of 24 reasons to grow long hair

May 20, 2017

1:22 PM 5/20/2017

I’m on caffeine pills today. So, my thought processes are affected by that.

I wrote a list of reasons to grow long hair. These are arguments that I am able to talk about and explain to other people. I can give them in the form of a speech or in the form of a pamphlet. I can discuss them and answer people’s responses or objections to them. I’ve argued about it in forums before and I am familiar with the objections, and if people object, I just won’t try to persuade them. I am only persuading people who feel convinced by my arguments easily, not people who fight hard against them. Only a few people will hear these things and be moved by them. Those who aren’t, I let go.

The very first primary characteristic of the Anaya religion is long hair. This is the very first thing you do when you join, or when you haven’t joined but you’re only thinking about joining. It’s the easiest thing to start doing right away even if you aren’t an official member. You can do it on your own. Anaya has other rules, but the long hair rule is number one. You don’t just instantly start doing all the rules immediately. You do them gradually over time. Even I myself am not complying with most of the rules, and there are reasons why. Anaya is meant to become a group that supports you so it’s easy to live by the rules, such as the rules about what foods to eat and what foods to avoid. If somebody else cooks for you, as a group, it’s easy to avoid going through the McD drive-thru.

Okay, here are the reasons, and I will try to keep them short, which is extremely hard on vivarin pills. I wrote this list on paper first. These arguments, or reasons, will just be a brief sketch that needs to be filled in, not a thorough, detailed argument.

Why should people grow long hair? Why does Anaya do it?

1. Other religions do it because the bible said to, or some other religious text said to. Some say it’s to stop emphasizing physical appearance and the material world. If God wanted men to have short hair, then why did he make it able to grow long? However, God also made us able to use tools, so this argument is kind of weak – God is just as happy when we are using a pair of scissors that he gave us the ability to use. Other religions’ reasons for growing long hair are not necessarily the same as my reasons, but I mention them because these other religions do exist.

2. There are lots of women who love long haired men, but can’t find them, which is why they love rock stars. People who can’t find what they want will be very loyal when they do finally find it, because they know they can’t find it anywhere else. However, loyalty to one individual is not necessarily the argument, because I am advocating a whole group of people doing it, not just one person. So, it increases loyalty to the whole group. There are men who love very long hair on women, too, and can’t find it anywhere and feel almost as frustrated about it. But it’s even harder to find long haired men.

3. I personally love long hair on both sexes. It is not necessarily a form of sexual attraction. I am just as happy to see long hair on women. I have felt this way since I was a very young child, in nursery school, when I had a crush on the boy with the longest hair in class (I still remember his name: Benjy). This is something in me that I can’t explain, and I know other people feel the same way.

4. Religious protection from employers who want to require men to cut their hair. Many men wouldn’t mind growing long hair, except that they have to cut it for their jobs – beards too. If they join an official religion, they now have a legal defense to protect themselves against these employers. Employers cannot discriminate by religion. So that takes away that reason for cutting men’s hair.

5. We need to dissociate long hair from the stereotypes of ‘rock stars,’ ‘homeless men,’ ‘drug-using hippies,’ ‘people who don’t care for themselves,’ ‘cavemen,’ and other negative stereotypes. If a group of healthy people are all growing their hair together, and doing other healthy behaviors, like eating good food and changing their lifestyles, then other people in society will gradually come to recognize that long hair can be a sign of something positive, not always something negative.

6. Even though other religions do have long hair on men and women, I (and many others) don’t feel comfortable just joining those religions – perhaps because we are atheists, or for other reasons. I have looked at some of the religious texts written by the Sikh people, for instance, and, as is almost always true, I feel uncomfortable reading religious texts. They don’t resonate with me somehow. Anaya is a godless religion, although we do meditate, and I personally meditate on an imaginary entity that I call Anaya, but other members aren’t required to do this in order to join. I am clear about the fact that this entity is an imaginary thing that I am inventing. Even atheists can benefit from having *some* kind of religion that changes their lifestyle, and it doesn’t have to have a god.

7. Evolution. Humans are the longest haired species on earth. No other animal has hair as long as we do. Horses have very long hair, and a few other animals have somewhat long hair, but if an alien race were visiting Earth and you wanted to tell them which species is the human species, you would be able to say that the one defining characteristic we have is our extremely long head and beard hair (beards on some races, not all) – the longest of all. Why hide and destroy this unique trait that we evolved with? Why not embrace it proudly and cherish it?

8. Social intimacy. Even if having long hair doesn’t guarantee that people will be sexually attracted to you, it still gives other people in the group a way to have physical contact with you. People can brush or groom others’ hair, as apes groom each other, and it is a comforting intimacy that brings people together. In the USA, we suffer from touch deprivation, many of us. People are afraid to touch each other. This religion intends to fix that, and brushing or touching other people’s hair is one way to help fix it.

9. Aesthetics. It’s interesting to look at long hair. When you can see a complex, detailed object, something that moves and flows, or swings, if it’s straight or wavy hair, or something fluffy, like kinky or curly hair, it’s more interesting than looking at a bare empty space with nothing there. It has colors, and shines, and textures, and many complex surfaces, and is entertaining to the eye.

10. Long hair makes the Anaya people instantly visible to others. Many religious people look exactly the same as everybody else. How can you know them just by looking at them? It’s hard to tell who is a mainstream Christian just by looking at them. However, we don’t wear turbans like the Sikh do, partly because they contribute to traction alopecia. We will need to sometimes braid hair or put it in buns, for safety or modesty or convenience. But if a large group of
long-haired, long-bearded people are all walking down the street together, you can instantly look at them and know they are Anaya.

11. Though some people think long hair means ‘neglect,’ it can also mean long-term stability, consistency, reliability, and a rejection of fads and whims. People who are taking drugs or going into drug withdrawal often chop off their own hair or shave it on a whim, as an act of self-destruction, or even a suicidal act. Very long healthy hair indicates that the overall person has been very healthy and stable for a long time, and isn’t suffering from drug-induced self-destructive impulses. This may also suggest that they are stable in other ways, such as with money or general health.

12. Trust in your marriage. Once again, whims and fads might make your spouse chop off their hair all of a sudden, in the mainstream society. Oftentimes, a man marries a woman who had long hair when she was young, but she chopped it off sometime later, and he can’t beg her to grow it back to make herself beautiful again. Many people refuse to listen and don’t care what their spouses want or how their spouses feel. In Anaya, this will never be an issue. If you marry someone partly because you love their long, gorgeous hair, you know they will still have that long gorgeous hair 70 years from now. Also, laziness or not feeling like taking the trouble of caring for long hair is one reason why people cut it, but in Anaya, you aren’t allowed to give in to that temptation. Anaya helps everyone maintain their hair even if they themselves feel too lazy to do it.

13. Your hair color, texture, and length shows how old you are, shows which family you belong to, and shows your ethnic group and your genes. People can be recognized by the specific texture or color of their hair (although this might be less true for ethnic groups that have all one hair color). Long hair aids in recognizing people. You know that some particular person’s hair is a particular length or curliness. You suspect this person might be someone’s sister or brother because their hair color and texture is the same. You know someone is older because their hair is white. These things are less visible on hair that is shaved off, artificially colored,
straightened, permed, styled, or shorter than terminal length.

14. Anaya makes long hair easy to find, and gives people hope of finding loved ones who will have it. I personally have a lot of trouble finding long haired men to fall in love with, but in a group, I, and others, will always know that somebody is there nearby. We will all see each other frequently and live close together as a group. We will know the group is growing and bringing in new members over time. People shouldn’t have to wait a long time to find someone they feel attracted to, if they suffer from this unfortunate ‘fetish’ of wanting long hair in a society of short haired people. Building a group of people, and increasing the membership, will make us all feel hope that we can find people to love, or at least people who we can enjoy looking at all the time at least.

15. Our group’s long hair provides a strong incentive for people to join us. Why bother joining some other religion if you look at them and can’t see a single thing that they are doing differently from the mainstream society? They eat the same foods as everyone, dress the same way as everyone, wear their hair the same way, and even let their children join the army and fight in wars. Why bother joining mainstream Christianity? But Anaya is clearly different from everyone else, very very different. People can’t find what we have anywhere. And even bald men benefit and have an incentive to join us, because they too are required to grow their remaining hair long, and their beards. Where else can bald men find people who care about how they look, value them, and care about what they do with their hair? They have every reason to join us.

16. Growing hair is an exciting adventure that goes on over time. You can watch the progress and changes over the months, and document it and measure it. Eventually, you will reach terminal length and cannot watch the growth anymore, as individual hairs stop growing, fall out, and start again at the root, and this length is something you probably don’t have much control over. But during the time when it’s growing, it’s very exciting to watch. And it’s exciting to make a change that you can quickly see, when there are so many other things in life that you have no control over or can’t make any progress in. It’s exciting to defy social norms – it takes a lot of courage – and the group would support all the members who were doing it. We’re all doing this together. It gives a camaraderie and feeling of community along with the excitement of doing something new that you’ve never done before.

17. You can spend less money on haircuts and hair products. You can get help with styling and taking care of your hair in the group, without using a lot of expensive products. You no longer have to be ‘perfect’ by mainstream society’s standards, so you no longer have to buy that one particular color that you have to have, or that one particular texture which is the ‘good’ texture while the other texture is the ‘bad’ texture, or the ‘bad’ gray hair that ‘makes you look old.’ These things are no longer a worry or expense for you. Anaya wants you to grow your hair however it naturally grows.

18. On a similar theme, you are no longer supporting the corporations that want your money. All of society is being brainwashed by TV commercials and TV shows and movie stars who make them feel like they have to spend lots of money on something to look the way those people look. These corporations don’t really have your best interests in mind. They just want your money. If you can understand that most of the ‘beauty standards’ that society gives us are only serving the purpose of making somebody rich, maybe you will feel less motivated to obey those standards. These standards have no objective value or objective reasons for doing them. They are not ‘good for you.’ They are good for whoever is getting your money. Those corporations will do anything they can to convince you that you need to feel more insecure and spend more money trying to fix yourself so that others won’t reject you.

19. Short hair might also be preventing people from bonding with each other and feeling attracted to each other. It might even serve the purposes of the depopulation agenda. People should touch other people more often and should feel closer to others and feel attracted to them, and long hair makes that easy to do. Keeping people from loving other people makes us all easy to conquer and control. People need to feel physically attracted to others and need to have some kind of social, family, or sexual intimacy with others. Short hair makes people seem more disposable, and is exemplified by the military’s shaved heads on men whose purpose is to become ‘cannon fodder.’ They are not loved, cherished people whose goal is to live as long as possible and to be happy together. Their purpose is to die. They are slaves. If a person’s unique hair color, length, and texture make them more recognizable as an individual, then a shaved head makes everyone look exactly the same, with no unique characteristics.

20. If you’re already doing just fine out in society, if you are happy, healthy, wealthy, and successful, and have most of what you want in life, then why would you want to join Anaya? Well, it’s true, there are lots of people who have little or nothing to gain by joining. Anaya is for people who are somehow dissatisfied with the way the world is and want to build a better world for ourselves and for the future. Even if you don’t join, and decide to just grow long hair by yourself, you are doing one small thing to change the world, even if it doesn’t have much of an impact. Anaya is for people who have difficulty feeling a sense of community out in the world, who want to be with like-minded people, and aren’t getting what they need elsewhere.

21. I’m not sure how to explain this, but some people view long hair as more spiritual, and have images of religious figures like Jesus with long hair and a beard. It might mean that you aren’t concerned with what society wants or with the material world, although I myself don’t view it that way. That is what some other people say about long hair. In Anaya, it does kind of mean you aren’t concerned with physical appearance anymore, because we, too, don’t tell you that you have to ‘fix’ every little thing that is ‘wrong’ with your hair – we just give you one simple rule, which is, grow it long, don’t worry about it, and let us help you take care of it. We can’t guarantee that you will become ‘gorgeous’ or sexually attractive with long hair – not everyone is – but it doesn’t matter – everyone is required to just follow this simple rule, and don’t worry about the results. Don’t worry if your hair doesn’t grow ‘long enough’ when it reaches terminal length and can’t grow any longer (my own hair stops growing at hip length, even though I’d love to grow it to floor length if I could). Don’t compare yourself to other people and say, ‘My hair isn’t as good as his or her hair.’ The purpose is to improve the overall appearance of the entire group and to create a rule that makes everyone reliable and trustworthy over time. It isn’t to make yourself more beautiful than someone else in the group.

22. I usually view long hair in terms of practical reasons, which are easier for me to explain than spiritual reasons. Anaya is a practical religion. We change our lifestyle, and we have good reasons why we do what we do. Long hair fits with the theme of preventing other injuries to the physical body, such as circumcision or tooth removals. These are very practical things that will make you healthier in the real world and reduce the suffering of the entire group in the long run, especially if members start to have children and raise them by these rules. The goal is to improve your physical life on earth in ways that are immediately visible to you, and to prevent bad things that are done to people by society which shouldn’t be done. Even if you yourself suffered from some kind of irreparable harm like circumcision, unnecessary surgeries, tooth removals, deformities, and so on, it can give you a feeling of hope for the future if you know that you are helping a group of people who will prevent those things for others in the future. I can’t get back my own lost teeth, and can’t regrow my slightly deformed body, but it makes me feel better to know that I can stop those things from happening to somebody else.

23. Hair is one of the only things you can easily control about your physical appearance. It’s really hard to lose weight, and hard to get bigger or gain muscle (if that’s what you want to do), but it’s very easy to just stop cutting your hair and let it grow on its own. It requires no effort. Just simply let your hair grow by itself. It’s fun to have control over something about your physical appearance, which has such a huge impact on how people see you.

24. Seeing is believing. Many people just don’t know that they would love long hair, because they’ve never seen it before. They’ve only seen what society wants them to see. They have to get used to it by seeing it all the time, being surrounded by it, and learning that long hair is normal and acceptable. If you’ve never seen very long hair on a man or woman before, and you suddenly see it, you just can’t help feeling a powerful response to it, even if you have to tell yourself that it’s ‘gross’ or ‘creepy’ because you don’t want to like that person. If you see it on somebody who you like and love for other reasons, for their personality and for everything about them, then it makes your love for them even stronger. People will learn, after seeing us, seeing that we are strong and healthy, seeing that we live a different lifestyle from the rest of society, seeing that we are sane and drug-free, seeing that we aren’t plagued by the sicknesses, deformities, shortened life span, and problems that the rest of society has, and they will learn that these beautiful, amazing people are also strong, respectable, trustworthy people. Creating a group of people who are all changing their lifestyle together in positive ways will help others to ‘see and believe.’ Long hair will only get a more positive connotation as a result.

Apple cider vinegar for weight loss – if you aren’t miserable, then it isn’t working

May 20, 2017

So, I ordered that Bragg apple cider vinegar – organic, raw, unfiltered, with the mother of vinegar, the cloudy stuff that contains enzymes and other substances. I could buy it in town, like at Nature’s Pantry, but it’s easier for me to order something and have it delivered than it is to ride the bus out to that store.

I tried it, just a little bit of vinegar in the bottom of a cup, and then fill the cup with water. It was still a pretty strong solution. I was only able to drink a couple sips.

Well, according to my own judgment of what is the ‘wrong way’ and the ‘right way’ to drink vinegar, I did it all wrong. I drank it in the evening on an empty stomach, and I drank a solution that was too strong and not diluted enough. It nauseated me after a few sips, so I stopped drinking it, and wondered if it was going to make me throw up, but it didn’t. I also didn’t have a straw to drink through, and I kind of want to get one, because that helps you avoid touching your teeth with the vinegar as you drink it.

Later on, in the middle of the night, I felt like I was having extremely low blood sugar, so I ate a handful of sugar.

I had tried to eat some food that evening after the vinegar, and it was some healthy food I had cooked at home, this mixed frozen seafood stuff (although I have no information about which parts of it were wild caught and which parts were farmed, so it is a mixture of more and less healthy seafood) and multicolored carrots, with the watercress and some other stuff, and coconut oil. I had only a few bites of the food left over, and was trying to eat all the rest of it, but I couldn’t.

I had ‘early satiety’ after the vinegar, but believe me, it is NOT ‘satiety.’ I do not feel at all ‘satisfied.’ I feel like I am still painfully hungry and desperate to eat the food, but I can’t, because I feel like my stomach is full and irritated and I can’t choke down any more food.

And the worst part about this was, it was good, healthy food that I was unable to choke down. You should be allowed to eat unlimited amounts of something that is healthy. I couldn’t even eat these leafy greens, cooked vegetables, seafood, coconut oil, and rice.

Later on, maybe the next day, I think, I diluted the vinegar more, which made it easy to drink the rest of the cup. It was the same cup from the day before that I was unable to finish. It was easy to drink it diluted. This diluted, easy-to-drink vinegar, which I drank along with a meal, not on an empty stomach, had absolutely no effect on me at all that I could tell.

On the websites they say, if you have trouble with it, then avoid drinking it on an empty stomach, and drink it with food instead. That very thing is what makes it stop working, I think. Drinking it less diluted (although still diluted! not straight) on an empty stomach irritates everything, the throat and the stomach, in such a way that it becomes extremely uncomfortable to swallow more than a few bites of food.

If you did that for months and months, you would lose weight the way I did when I had some illness in 1998 or so that gave me ‘early satiety’ for months and months, a mystery which I could not solve and went to the doctors for, and none of them could fix it either – I had to make some dietary changes. I think it was the red container of coffee, Folger’s? I was using Folger’s in the red container, and it was so acidic that it made me unable to eat, and that happens now whenever I ever drink it too. Now that I know about the cigarette color codes, I wonder if ‘red’ coffee is meant to be harsher than ‘blue’ coffee, which is the Maxwell House that I can tolerate better. They’re not allowed to write the word ‘lite’ on a cigarette, and so they change the colors of the boxes to connote weaker or stronger feelings, and ‘red’ is the harshest full flavor one. Blue is associated with something cool and mellow and gentle and peaceful. They study people’s reactions to colors to see what colors are associated with what feelings.

So in order to benefit from using apple cider vinegar, you have to do it wrong, for a really long time. Drink it on an empty stomach, to make yourself feel sick deliberately and to maximize the burning and irritation of your digestive tract. It also does something to lower your blood sugar, and I don’t know what to do about that, if it’s safe to just ignore it. Drink it at a concentration which is about exactly the recipe they described – eight ounces of water with a couple spoons of acid. I forget how much, tablespoons or teaspoons. I just dumped out a little slosh in the bottom of the cup because I have no measuring spoons.

I haven’t tried doing this for months and months. I only drank this a couple days ago, and then haven’t had any more since then. Someone said it’s possible to get osteoporosis. So, well, so it is. You get osteoporosis from coffee too.

I don’t know what else the vinegar does inside your body besides irritate your digestive system so badly that you can no longer swallow much food. It may, or may not, be altering your fat burning metabolism somehow directly. I’m pretty sure it did cause low blood sugar. I don’t have a little fingerprick thing to test my blood sugar right now. I’d have to buy one. So, you just have to starve and be miserable, frustrated, and sick for months and months, and if it doesn’t hurt, then you’re doing it wrong. And yeah, that will make you lose some weight. I don’t know if I’m willing to do that or not. I’d like to at least use a straw, I just don’t have one. I keep forgetting to bring one home from work.

So it might alter your metabolism somehow, but in addition to that, it is a brute force calorie reduction method. Just brute force starvation. I’ve done that before twice, during times when I was extremely sick – the Folgers Coffee time period, which was the mystery I couldn’t solve for months and months, when I could eat only a few bites of food and no doctors ever asked me ‘What are you eating and drinking every day?’

And the second time was when I kept catching and re-catching the Swine Norovirus twice a week, every time there was a football game in this town, when hundreds of thousands of people travel from faraway places to get here, bringing their swine noroviruses with them and throwing up in our bathrooms, which are unventilated so the stagnant
vomit-filled air has the maximum chances of helping you to inhale some floating viruses.

During that time period, when I lived in Bellefonte – was that 2011 or so? – I went months unable to eat. I would have about one day a week when I was able to eat food, maybe two days, and then I would catch the swine norovirus again. I wouldn’t eat because I was afraid of throwing up. I could barely drink liquid either.

It wasn’t a normal norovirus. It made people pass out. It does something to the brain. People were fainting and falling on the floors when they caught this norovirus. A coworker was walking past me at McDonald’s, a new girl I didn’t know very well, and she suddenly passed out and fell to the floor and fell against me. She told us she had been vomiting earlier. A customer at Weis Market was on her way to the pharmacy to get something for ‘swine flu,’ and she passed out, fell on the floor, hit her head, and started bleeding. I was working at Weis and McD at the time. I myself felt sensations like I was going to faint every time I caught the swine norovirus, but I didn’t faint all the way.

And during that time, I lost maybe ten pounds or thirteen pounds or something – I forget how much it was.

So, am I willing to try this? I don’t know. It takes a lot of dedication to force yourself to do something unnatural and painful that goes against every instinct, and to keep doing it for months and months.