Archive for March, 2015

Yeah, the fridge isn’t working as well now

March 31, 2015

Maybe we have a higher humidity or something, I don’t know. But I went down there just now, after taking a walk, and it had crept back up to about 47 degrees, even though I had it set on #5, which was higher than the usual 4.5 that I kept it on before. I turned it all the way up to 6, reluctantly, hoping she wouldn’t notice. It came back on. I will have to see if the thermometer goes back down to 40.

I wonder if it’s going to keep getting worse as it gets warmer outside. The fridge is definitely broken if I have to turn it all the way up to the coldest setting, just to barely manage to keep it at 40 degrees, and it hasn’t even gotten hot outside yet. We just have some humidity now. There is definitely something wrong.

I actually don’t like getting mad at Mary Jo and venting my anger about her in a blog. I came back from my walk, knowing she was sitting in the chair in the living room, and I had to walk in, and I felt like I had really been talking about her behind her back just recently and she didn’t know. I don’t like that feeling.

But I was really pissed, and I really am frustrated. I just want my own place again. I used to live in a single apartment. I’m here right now for various reasons, and it’s not easy to find the kind of place that I want and can afford, and… it’s complicated. So I’m here now.

So meanwhile, while I’m here, I’m pissed about the way things are, even though I feel bad for her because she’s working so much.

False alarm, the fridge is back on, but I’m suspicious now

March 31, 2015









6:56 PM 3/31/2015

Okay, I just went down again and it’s working. It might have been temporarily in a defrost mode or something. The edges of the freezer are now frozen again.

But I was pissed. I took a camera down there and took photos of everything. I was going to move my stuff down to the freezer in the basement, which is also stuffed completely full of Mary Jo’s stuff, with one tiny section that I have claimed for myself. She is a food hoarder, and seems to feel no desire to do a first-in-first-out movement of the food, and has no desire to use up things that have been sitting around a long time. Even if something is in the freezer, I have a desire to get rid of it if it’s been in there for months.

Not so Mary Jo. The upstairs freezer section in the fridge is packed completely full of all her stuff, and the same stuff has been in there since I moved here in August or September or whenever it was. Meanwhile, I have been keeping just a small bag stuffed into one side of the front of the bottom shelf, and I have to PUSH HARD to force it to go in there so I can shut the door all the way, and I cycle through this bag rapidly, not buying more and more stuff, but using up whatever is in the bag first.

Okay – she’s working, and she works a lot of hours. Managing your food, and cooking for yourself, is very hard when you’re working. I can understand that. But even when I was working and living in an apartment, before I was homeless, I never filled up every cubic inch of the fridge and the freezer with stuff and left it in there for months. There might be a couple items that got pushed aside that I might avoid using. But it would have been UNTHINKABLE if I had another tenant in the house with me who also needed to use that same space!

So for a few minutes there, I was thinking, I would transfer all my food to the downstairs large freezer, which at least has a little bit of room to crush some more stuff in there with force. It still has some empty space. I could have saved all my stuff there, and just left Mary Jo’s up in the fridge, because she wouldn’t even notice that the fridge was broken – she kept it on the ‘economy’ setting for all that time before I moved in, spoiling all her milk and stuff, and didn’t care, and it was probably 50 degrees or more all that time. So it doesn’t even bother her to eat food that makes her sick. Apparently she has a strong stomach, and I don’t.

But then I found out that it had turned back on. But I had hoped, for only a moment, that maybe all her stuff that had been jammed tight into the upstairs freezer since August would all rot and spoil and she’d have to throw it all away and we’d finally be rid of it, and I’d have some more room to put in a wider variety of frozen vegetables and stuff.

I took pictures of everything in the upstairs fridge. I took a picture of the freezer with my stuff jammed into a shallow section of the lower right front, and then another picture with my small bag of stuff removed, so that you can see how much of it is Mary Jo’s hoarded frozen food.

I also took a picture of my somewhat-broken thermometer, which has little spaces where the red line skips a spot, as though it has bubbles in it, and so I do not know if I can trust what it says anymore. It was reading 45 before, and I was suspicious, for the last few days. Now it says 40. I turned up the setting just a bit on the fridge just now to test it.

The various pictures are: the freezer door, the freezer with my stuff jammed down into one tiny spot up front, then the freezer without my stuff, my small bag of freezer stuff lying on the floor, and then the fridge door, then the fridge itself. I have absolutely nothing on the doors. All of that is hers. In the fridge, my stuff is on the middle shelf. Before, I had that stuff pushed all the way to the right side, because she was still using most of that middle shelf, but after she recently cleaned the fridge (which seemed to be when it started acting weird) because some yogurt juice had spilled out and made a sour smell, she also took her stuff off the middle shelf, allowing me to have most of that shelf, although now she has added back just a couple items on the left, tomato sauce or something.

I might be too lazy to do it, but I could draw a circle around my stuff, I’d just have to open Microsoft Paint, and that would require effort.

broken fridge!

March 31, 2015

My food’s making me sick because the fridge isn’t working! I tested it just now. My thermometer is partially broken, so I can’t tell what the temperature really is, but the fridge is definitely broken. The freezer is not frozen. The fan won’t come on even when I open the door and turn it to the coldest temp on the dial. ARGH! And I just went shopping right now!

My subconscious racism in the realm of music persists, in spite of my attempts to overcome it; also a rant about my long hair obsession, and black people’s hair

March 31, 2015

2:51 PM 3/31/2015

I’m a little bit sick at my stomach right now, and one of my cats threw up this morning, so I’m not feeling ambitious enough to do a big blogging project; however, I wanted to explain what I meant yesterday when I said that I was at least partly racist, in spite of my desire not to be.

First, I have a problem with music written or sung by black people. All my life, I have liked this music less, even when I was too young to know about the phenomenon of racism, when nobody around me had ever explicitly told me or taught me to view black people differently or negatively. My parents didn’t pound racism into my head when I was a child, and yet, even so, I didn’t like music written or sung by black people.

That doesn’t count Michael Jackson. I absolutely hated Michael Jackson from the very first moment that I heard him, and I still do, to this day, but as soon as I found out about socionics, and heard that somebody somewhere typed him as an EIE/ENFJ, my socionic conflictor (which may or may not be the correct typing – I loathe him so much that I have no desire to watch youtube videos of interviews so that I can try harder to figure out his type – I’m allowing for uncertainty here about his type), I figured that had to be the reason why I loathed him so much. So with him, it wasn’t because he was black, it was because of EVERYTHING. A white person could have written Michael Jackson’s music and I would have loathed it just as much.

I am picky about music. There are millions of songs written by white people, and I loathe those songs. There are only a small number of songs that I really love, songs which ‘unlock my soul,’ by using the special secret combination of words and melody and harmony and song structure. I cannot predict exactly when this will happen. I know a few rules about how to write music. But even knowing those rules, even if a songwriter follows them, they will not always figure out the magic combination.

The few songwriters who have ever, in my life, figured out the secret combination have always been white (and I mean, pale skinned, because some of them are Asian). And in fact, a lot of the songs have been more specifically from the Celtic/Welsh group, and it just so happens that I myself have Welsh in my family somewhere.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say ‘anything but African races,’ because I can think of some songs from other cultures that came close to doing the right thing. I can think of some Indian songs that are close, and Indians are brown-skinned, but different from Africans. I know some songs in Japanese animation that do it. I have kind of tried looking into Australian aborigine music, and found that some of the tribal songs were okay, and there is something I like about them, but I haven’t looked for or found a thriving ‘modern’ music written by aborigines, so I don’t know about them yet.

I tried finding Inuit music that I liked, because the Inuit people fascinate me – I love the idea of living in the Arctic. But unfortunately, all they ever use are drums, and they are most often known for throat singing, which isn’t very melodic or soul-stirring for me personally.

I am looking into music written by all the races around the world, in their traditional folk music styles. The reason why I want to hear their traditional folk music style is because it is different from the modern popular music styles that have been univerally forced down the throats of everyone all over the planet, by television, by American white culture taking over the planet and giving everyone Universal Media. I want to hear alternative styles of music, so I look into the local folk music traditions.

These styles are unique. They developed in isolation, in small pockets of people who could not reach other groups of people, before we had modern transportation and modern media. In all those little pockets of people, the instruments used were unique (although they fit into general categories), the singing styles and song structures were unique, and so on. Again, they do fit into categories, but the specific manifestations of all those categories are unique.

There is music written by stone cultures, and music written by metallic cultures. Cultures that use metal have musical instruments with metal parts in them that could not exist in stone age cultures, such as violins with metal strings. However, actually, some of these things can be made without metal – they can make strings out of horsehair, for instance. But even so, metal creates many new kinds of instruments that did not exist traditionally in stone age cultures, and so their music will be different. They, too, would have used only drums at some time in the past, and only little wooden flutes, and so on.

Well, I could go on about music, but, to make a long story short, I am having an extremely hard time finding anything anywhere written by people of African ancestry that is soul-stirring to me, even when these people have access to modern instruments, metallic string instruments, and so on.

And the thing is, I *want* to find something written by black people that I love, because intellectually, I don’t want to be racist. I am emotionally racist in the realm of music, and I just can’t control that, and have felt that way all my life. I can listen to music written by black people, and at the intellectual level, I can say something like, ‘This music is popular. A lot of people like it. Critics say that this song is good.’ But I myself won’t like it at all, and I do not find it soul-stirring or emotionally moving at all.

There are a couple exceptions, if I think hard. I always loved ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight,’ which actually was a real African song, although it’s been modified and made into English. There was another song that I had on a cassette tape long ago which was sung by an African, and I found her again not long ago, and recognized the song, and I was like, ‘Hey! I know this!’ (I can’t remember the name and it would be quite a project to find it again.) But even though I *liked* that song, it still did not quite reach the heights of my emotional experiences with music. Very few people have ever written a song that does, and none of those people have been black people of African ancestry.

So that is why I call myself an unintentional racist who doesn’t want to be racist. I really am, for real, at the emotional level, and I have no control over it. If I hear a song written or sung by black people, I can almost guarantee that I will dislike the song
immediately. Even if the black people aren’t singing, and I can’t hear their voices to be able to know that a black person is singing this song, even if the song is only instrumental, I still won’t like it, and I have to find out afterwards that it was written by black people. It’s the song itself that I don’t like, the melody and song structure, even without anybody singing.

I also have some negative real-world experiences with black people, but there are reasons why those things happened, and I’m not entirely racist in that area. I had a lot of incidents working at McDonald’s, where the most difficult, annoying, and troublesome customers going through the drive-thru were black. Sometimes, even if I couldn’t hear their voice well enough to know they were black, I would find myself having trouble taking this person’s order over the speaker, and I would have this hunch: This person is black. And they would get to the window, and boom, they would be black. You can tell from a person’s voice that they’re black, because black people have a differently shaped mouth and lips, which causes them to sort of lisp or slur their consonants in a particular way.

I think a lot of those things happened because these black people were out-of-towners driving from the big cities. In the big cities, everyone’s a jerk, whether they’re black or white. We don’t have a lot of black people in this town – they are a smaller minority – but black people coming through the drive-thru at McDonald’s were often from the big city, and those particular groups of black people were getting the worst deal socially, so I sort of understand that their behavior would be different. So I’m not really racist in that area – I try to be patient when those things happen, and I try to be nice to the customer who is making a fuss about something, or arguing about the price and trying to haggle it down (a stereotypical black person behavior which other people have complained about online). They really do those things, but in spite of that, I feel that that’s sort of ‘fixable.’ I think it’s possible for them not to do those things.

However, the thing with music seems to be so deep, it’s hard to fix, and I don’t really know what causes it. I don’t know how you could teach a black person to write soul-stirring music that would move me emotionally and physically and spiritually, because you can’t teach that to ANYONE, although there really are a few simple tricks that can be done, which are rule-based rather than merely ‘talent-based.’ There really are rules you can follow to write the song that moves me. Is it possible to find a song written by black people that follows those rules? Are there any ‘magic songs’ written by black people? I’m still looking, and I am making a sincere effort to do it, but it is painful and frustrating, and I just find failure after failure after failure.

All that being said, there is something else which is ‘fixable.’ There is something wrong with black people, which I never liked, ever since childhood, but I have discovered that, to a large extent, it is fixable rather than permanent. It’s their hair.

Okay, everyone knows black people have frizzy hair. But it’s not just that.

I have had a long hair ‘fetish’…

(and I don’t like to call it a ‘fetish,’ but rather, a universal instinct that defines the human species! – a very huge topic and much too complicated and outside the scope of this blog, since I am feeling unambitious today – to make a long story short, the long head hair of the human is the ONE AND ONLY attribute which distinguishes the human species from all other species, and I believe that the reason why we have long hair is because our BRAINS are different and bigger – the brain develops from the same embryonic tissue that the hair and skin develop from, if I recall correctly, and I should look it up just to be sure. It’s the same basic tissue in the beginning, and so, all of that which has happened to our brain, has also happened to our head hair, and that mutation which made our brains bigger, also made our head hair longer, so this is the most important defining feature of the human species. Many other animals have bare skin on their bodies, and so that feature does not define us. The only other animal with long hair is the horse. No other animal comes close to the length of human hair. Some animals form natural dreadlocks, but the actual terminal length of their hair is much shorter. End tangent – out of scope of discussion.)

…ever since I was a young child. In kindergarten, I had a crush on a boy, and I still remember his name – Benjy – and he had sort of a bowl haircut which was just a tiny bit longer than everyone else’s hair. He had dark brown hair. I was that young, and yet I still had this preference, so I totally understand when gay people say that they were gay even in childhood. I was a long hair fetishist even in childhood, at age 5 and 6.

I am still trying to understand the mystery of the afro. I don’t have any close friends at the moment who are growing long natural afro textured hair. I have had black friends in the past, and I have a black acquaintance right now who sometimes has had natural hair, but we haven’t discussed it, and she is not making a special effort to go natural.

The natural afro hair movement is a growing social movement, and it’s becoming easier for people to find resources on the internet and youtube to show them how to handle natural afro hair.

My ‘unsolved mystery’ of the afro is, to what extent does the hair naturally stick up straight up over the head, on top, versus hanging down? I have watched youtube videos where someone combed out their hair, which caused it to stand up more, but to what extent does this happen without combing and without styling chemicals, gel, and so on? I don’t know all the details.

I know there are different hair types and textures, and the tightness and shape of the curl varies from person to person, and there are general categories, like 4b and 4c (curl types). However, very few of the people growing their afro hair naturally are using minimalistic styling practices, and so I cannot understand what their hair does when it hasn’t been styled and forced to stand straight up over their head. It really does not always stand out in all directions – this is a deliberate ‘style,’ and I do not like that style. I like it when they aren’t forcing it to all go straight out in all directions in a big round ball.

From the youtube videos, I have seen that this is NOT an inevitable result of growing the afro hair natural. There are many youtube videos nowadays of people who are growing their natural afro hair to terminal length, the longest possible length that a hair can grow before it switches over to the telogen phase of growth, then falls out and starts growing again from the root.

It just so happens that other non-African races also tend to have a longer terminal length hair. There are non-African races whose hair has a much longer terminal length, like decades long. African hair’s terminal length is never longer than classic length – the waist, the same length as my own hair. My own hair is straight, and so you can see just by looking at it that the hair is waist length. My hair cannot grow any longer. It is at its terminal length. At this length, it falls out and starts over.

The same is true for all black people. The hair grows to waist length and cannot grow any longer. You can see it if they stretch out the hair, because it’s so tightly coiled that it looks shorter. But there are many other people out there, other than me, who are able to grow floor length hair and beyond. Black people cannot, in general, and as far as I know, there aren’t any black people who can. Some white people can, some can’t. Same goes for all other races. Australian aborigines also tend to have short hair, but I have never seen any of them deliberately growing their hair to terminal length, and so I do not know whether their short hair results from being cut, or whether it has reached its terminal length. I only know that I have never seen an Australian aborigine with very long hair.

So, after obsessing about hair for years and years, and after making a great effort to find videos and pictures of long, terminal length, natural afro hair, I have realized that I would find black people a LOT more attractive if their men were growing their hair long. It’s very hard to find a black woman growing her natural hair to terminal length, and it’s almost impossible to find a black man growing his natural hair to terminal length. I have never seen one. I have seen black men with slightly longish hair, but none of them have made an official claim to be deliberately growing their hair to terminal length over a period of years, whereas you can find at least a few women who are.

I do not like weaves or extensions or any other form of fake hair. And these can be very damaging. I have watched how they are done, after I read someplace that they can cause traction alopecia (permanent hair loss caused by pulling, by tight braids, by plucking, and by any other damage done to the root). They tightly braid the hair against the head, and then they use a needle and thread to sew strips of long, smooth hair, often made from real human hair, onto those braids, and then they leave it that way for months. Any kind of cornrows or tight small braids can cause traction alopecia. (The Sikh religion’s way of doing their hair also causes it – they put it into a tight topknot, then wrap a turban around it, causing baldness up where the knot is.)

It’s hard to explain why I don’t like weaves or fake hair. It’s the principle, but I cannot articulate exactly what that principle is or why it bothers me. I don’t like fakeness and unnaturalness. This opinion has formed after many long years of experience, years and years of forming my beliefs and opinions and feelings, which are all intertwined and hard to describe.

By the way, I also made a deliberate effort to find images of bald men who grew the remainder of their hair long, and yes, I like that, and have written blogs about it in the past. So bald people are not being excluded merely because they are bald on top. There is always a c-shaped ring of hair remaining around the back, and for some races of people, they will also have a beard they can grow, although some races have no beards.

It’s the non-exclusion principle: I don’t like to categorize a certain group of people, and then leave them out. I don’t want to tell them that they are unwelcome because of some inborn
characteristic that they have no control over. That is why I make a deliberate effort to find some way that they can do something I like. And when I am consciously committed to looking for this, I tend to find it, and my opinions naturally and sincerely begin to like those things.

Anyway, so about black women straightening their hair – there are several ways they do it. They can do it permanently or temporarily. Permanent straightening is only permanent for a particular piece of hair, but new hair growing from the root will be curly again, it just takes time before it’s visible. This is the same as a white person perming their hair. It does a huge amount of damage, and causes the hair to become brittle and dry and break off, and it looks dull and ugly and horrible.

My best friend in college (EII, socionic activator) was a black woman, and I saw her, and the nightmare of how many hours it took for her to take care of her hair, and the disgusting and horrible results she achieved. She had it chemically straightened every so often, just like getting a perm. And then, she would wash it maybe once or twice a week, not often, because it was just so time-consuming to deal with. It was extremely high maintenance, and yet, the results were just terrible. All those hours, to create an effect which was totally disgusting.

She would wash it, and then put all kinds of repulsive, foul-smelling greases and perfumes on it, so that you could smell the stench of this fake perfume from anywhere in the room with her. And it couldn’t be a nice smell, oh no, it had to be the foulest, most unnatural smell possible. The hair was greasy, stiff, brittle, and dull, and since it was covered with wet grease all the time, it collected every little crumb of dust and dandruff and kept it stuck to the greasy hair. And her unhealthy scalp produced a lot of dandruff, probably because of all the chemicals she was putting on it all the time.

The hair never grew long before falling to pieces, and these little broken pieces of hair were always hanging out the ends of her hair and getting onto her clothing. Everyone has loose hairs, I know, but you could see that these were just tiny little shattered damaged broken pieces of hair.

When she dried her hair after the shower, she would sit FOR HOURS under this dome-shaped hair dryer thing. You couldn’t take that thing camping with you, and so this high-maintenance hair routine is not appropriate for a deserted island, or a primitive community without electricity, or an ecovillage trying to live off the grid and use fewer resources that had to be bought from factories. It is a high-tech hairstyle, and, as I keep saying, all of that for nothing, because the results were disgusting.

I had just a few brief, timid discussions about this with her, but she was absolutely rigidly dead set on the belief that all of this entire routine had to be done and could not be changed one iota. So I stopped trying to argue about it with her.

Well, here is something that I understand. It’s possible for someone to be TOO SEXY, too beautiful, too interesting, too exciting, too attention-getting. And I can understand that somebody would want to avoid that, somebody would want to deliberately make themselves repulsive, make themselves less attractive and less desirable, merely to make people leave them alone.

Because what happens is, when black people do rediscover the long natural afro textured hair, and they grow it, they start having problems. People on the street, total strangers, walk up to them and pull the coils and spring them. People constantly tell them, nonstop, all day long, everywhere they go, that they love their afro. Sometimes, you just want to be left alone. People in the workplace will touch their hair. Black people have written and complained about people doing this. I know from experience how annoying and creepy it is when totaly strangers start walking up to you and telling you how awesome and sexy and beautiful your hair is, and how they love your hair, because I have waist length hair, and a lot of men love it, and I get occasional annoying creeps on the street. The same thing happens, but even more so, with people of both sexes, if you grow a long afro.

So I can understand if, maybe, they want to keep it braided – but loosely braided, in a large braid instead of tight tiny ones. I often keep my own hair braided too. Just don’t put it into dozens of tiny cornrows tight against the scalp. And don’t do the dozens of little tiny skinny braids, which people do for the effect of having ‘strings.’ Instead, make one or several large, thick, temporary braids that can be easily done and undone in a couple of minutes, and that is acceptable, and it will not cause traction alopecia. You can do that if you want to avoid having total strangers of both sexes coming up to you all day long as you walk down the street and telling you they love your afro, and pulling the strings and springing the coils and touching it. I can understand, this is annoying and creepy.

Dreadlocks are a problem, and I don’t have the energy to explain all about how dreadlocks work, right now. I had dreadlocks myself, so I learned all about them. I have not yet settled on a recommendation for dreadlocks. I’ll save that for some other day.

Anyway, so that is my racism: I don’t like music by black people, I have some negative experiences with black people in the real world, but yet, I don’t feel that those things are inevitable or unfixable, and so I’m not as worried about those. And I have problems with black people’s hair – if only they would stop straightening it (and I forgot to mention, they can also use heat, like irons, to temporarily straighten it, but this too causes damage and is undesirable, and I recommend stopping it), if only they would stop shaving it off – all black men have shaved heads, or hair that is barely an inch long if any, and only a tiny minority of them ever grow their hair long.

Some of this is true for all other races as well. My long hair ‘fetish’ (instinct) means that I suffer constant frustration through all of my life, as I am surrounded by billions of people shaving their heads, regardless of what race they are, and women who think that ‘long’ hair is shoulder length or upper-back-length.

This is why I want to build an intentional community of some sort, so that I can command people to follow the dress code, and the dress code is long hair, regardless of race, regardless of age, regardless of gender, regardless of hair type, and regardless of their degree of baldness. I’m an atheist, but yet, I ‘get it’ whenever fundamentalist religions, or the Sikh religion, have official rules telling people not to cut their hair. Unfortunately, all religions except the Sikh religion only command WOMEN to grow long hair, and command men to keep theirs short. There are also some Indian sadhus, and similar groups of people, who grow long hair on men. But most of the time, if a religion has any rules about hair, it will command the women to grow it long, and the men to keep it short, and I don’t like that, although I sympathize very strongly with their commands for women to never cut their hair. That is one area where I can partially identify with fundamentalist religions.

It’s particularly painful to me that Jesse went into the military, where he must keep his hair shaved. He has thick, black, wavy hair. I have seen it grow a few inches long, but he feels pressure to cut it, and never really had it long – his father doesn’t like it. He’d have to move out of the family house and avoid his father’s
disapproval, and work at a job where they allowed long hair. Once again, the job culture is causing stupid social norms to be
perpetuated, even though they aren’t required by law. The law in the United States doesn’t require men to shave their heads, but even so, all of them do it anyway, and all of them are pressured by their employers to do so. The only men who can grow long hair are people working in jobs where it’s acceptable, or unemployed men, or self-employed men.

Anyway, so Jesse isn’t able to grow long hair, and won’t be able to for quite a few years now, which I am sorry to see, but I love him anyway and will support him. I have already learned to expect constant frustration. It is unavoidable. The only solution is either an intentional community which I myself create, or else start my own business, pay my employees, and write my own dress code where they are *required*, not ‘permitted,’ but mandated, to grow their hair as I say.

They have to be paid, they have to feel secure, they have to feel protected by a very strong community, they have to get strong social approval, they have to feel safe, they have to feel loved, they have to feel capable of keeping their family relationships, because anybody who joins a ‘cult’ will be disconnected from former family and friends who disapprove of what they are doing; basically, they have to be certain that their social group is protecting them as they follow these rules. If they feel unsafe, if they feel threatened by the dominant social groups pressuring them to cut their hair, then they will surrender to this pressure, or will simply feel no desire to join the group. The group must provide for all their needs and protect them very strongly, in order to give them a reason to join.

That is enough for today; I had said I wanted to talk about racism; I don’t feel motivated enough to go get links to all the videos of long natural afro hair on youtube, but it is incredible when you see it. It is absolutely amazing. I might even feel tempted to say it is enviable – it is BETTER THAN white people’s hair, although I should say it is unique and different, and each type of hair is beautiful in its own way, because I sincerely love long straight hair and wavy hair too. I love uniqueness and variety, and I want to see all types of hair grown long regardless of race.

It’s been a while since I wrote a hair obsession blog post.

Why I oiled my bike chain with extra virgin olive oil today; the aphrodisiac effects of foods, drugs, and chemicals; healthy and unhealthy fats and oils

March 30, 2015

This is a very long post. I wasn’t even intending to stay here writing this long. It’s 3:17 pm and I began at 12:46.

12:46 PM 3/30/2015

I could not find the container of oil that I meant to use on my bike chain. I swear that I had one, and I know I used it at the previous apartment where I lived last year, but either I used it up, or I buried it in a box somewhere and couldn’t find it. I don’t know.

I don’t have cash at the moment. My mom’s been sending me checks to help me pay the rent. That’s a whole other story. Mom and I have had the ‘We’re enabling you’ discussion already, and in fact, I myself initiated that discussion more than once in the past.

So, I googled ‘what happens if I use vegetable oil to oil my bike chain?’ The google results said that it could be done and that it would not necessarily cause the instant death of the bicycle. They warned that the oil would eventually dry out and become sticky unless it contained vitamin E. That was interesting. So the ‘drying’ is actually oxidation, and it needs antioxidants to stop it from turning into gum.

I have seen this gum myself. I worked at Taco Bell. We used a different kind of frying oil at McDonald’s.

At McDonald’s, they had a partially hydrogenated vegetable oil for frying (I don’t know if this is true for every McD everywhere). The rationale for this is, when it’s partially hydrogenated, it doesn’t spoil as much.

So, for instance, you fry some fries, then leave them sitting under the heat lamp for less than seven minutes (actually, isn’t it only three minutes??? I’m confused now); a timer goes off to warn you, you push the button on the timer, ignore it, go do something else, walk away, do something more urgent, vaguely remember that the fries are expired, maybe hand out a few more of them to a customer, then you start to notice that the fries are sort of dull looking and floppy and cold when your finger accidentally brushes against one of them as you’re scooping them into the box, and then, when that happens, you throw them away, or else customers will start bringing them back up to the counter asking for new fries.

(I myself have done a few epic fails when I’ve been working at the fry station. I’m not used to working there, so I don’t always know how to estimate the amount of fries to put down. So I’ll make too few of them, causing everyone to wait, or else I’ll make tons and tons of them, and then see the entire bin filled up with millions of droopy, dull, cold, stale fries, and everyone can see my mistake, and it’s humiliating. There are certain employees who routinely do this every time, and people make fun of them, and everyone knows who they are, and I don’t want to be one of those people. We have some peer pressure not to be a huge fry-waster.)

The partially hydrogenated oil makes it so that when these fries sit there oxidizing under the heat lamp, they don’t get quite as awful, quite as quickly. They’re still awful though, just slightly less awful. The best fries are the scalding hot ones that just came up that very minute and you burn your fingers when you touch them, and burn your tongue and lips when you bite into one. I don’t eat fries, although I’m capable of forcing myself to choke them down once in a while if I am starving. I have a feeling that if I cooked fries myself at home, I would like them, but I’m deliberately reducing the amount of potatoes I eat (vegetables in the nightshade family can cause arthritis pain for some people, and since I have generalized low-level pain all over my body for no reason, it seems worth a try).

It’s theoretically possible to make french fries out of turnips and other starchy root vegetables. I’d do that. I’d also eat sweet potatoes, but they cause diarrhea unless they’re super-cooked totally to death, and so, they require further research. I like them and intend to make more sweet potatoes in the future. It’s been a little while since I experimented with them.

People have been aware for a long time now that hydrogenated oils are not good for you – I forgot that the container of lard that I bought was partially hydrogenated, and I noticed heart-related symptoms after eating it. But that’s another big story, my observations having to do with my heart when eating fats.

I’m 40 years old, but it was in my early thirties when I started experiencing strange heart problems. I look healthy overall and I am slender – I don’t have a scale anymore, but I probably weigh less than 140 or 145, and I am 5’2″. I weigh less now that I’m no longer eating hormone-filled foods at McD. Several McD coworkers who went on hiatus from working there, then came back, observed that they themselves had lost some weight after being away from McD. It’s not the calories, it’s the hormones and other substances in the CAFO meats. So I have easily remained slender without difficulty now that I’m no longer at McD.

Anyway, so I am the exact opposite of the stereotypical person suffering from heart problems. It started when I was in my thirties, I’m female, I’m slender, and I even eat a moderately healthy diet at least some of the time. I’m nowhere near the worst case scenario. I’m a nonsmoker. There is just no excuse at all for why I would ever have weird heart problems. I’m not having any heart problems right this instant, so, no worries. It happened in the past when I was using and/or contaminated with particular herbal drugs that I was handling and growing. It also happened when I ate particular foods (another story for another day).

So, the oil turning into chewing gum. Well, at McD, when we used that partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, I actually did not see quite as much of the ‘chewing gum’ solidified oil buildup, although it did sometimes happen. If you cleaned out underneath the fryer and got into all the nooks and crannies, you would sometimes find big yellow gelatinous ‘jewels,’ beautiful golden rubbery jewels made of dried out oil. We were always like, ‘Wow!’ They looked like big chunks of amber. We filtered the fryers every day, and changed the oil completely, ehh, I forget how often because I’m not the one who did it and I wasn’t working overnights anymore, but it was maybe once a week?

At Taco Bell, it was a bit different. We were using oil that, if I recall correctly – I am not 100% sure – it wasn’t hydrogenated at all. When you poured it out of the container, if I recall correctly, it looked like ordinary oil, instead of being that milky white color of partially hydrogenated oil.

People were trying to compensate for the fact that hydrogenated oil was bad for you, but they made an additional mistake – polyunsaturated vegetable oils that aren’t hydrogenated at all are also bad for you! They go rancid, they require antioxidants, and they, too, turn into chewing gum. Except the chewing gum on the fryer and the area around it at Taco Bell was an EVEN MORE offensive, sticky, stubborn chewing gum. I am telling you, it was EVEN WORSE than the oil at McDonald’s. So this is like, overcorrecting.

At Taco Bell, we fried our own tortilla chips. The chips came in a box. In my opinion, those chips were the worst case scenario of what NOT to do with frying. I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t already worked at McDonald’s for a long time.

The cultures of McDonald’s and Taco Bell do not normally talk back and forth with each other and discuss their techniques. However, because of the law that says people must be paid overtime if they work more than 40 hours, everybody everywhere is working two separate jobs with less than 40 hours at each job, because employers don’t want to pay you overtime, and no one can pay the rent if they work less than 40 hours a week at near-minimum wage.

So it’s inevitable that employees will be double agents, going to one fast food restaurant and seeing how they do things, and simultaneously working for a competitor and seeing how they do things.

My inner libertarian would like to point out that this particular law is one of the most devastating laws, with the biggest impact on society, and if only this law could be repealed, it would have a huge impact on everybody. We are no longer all working in factories like we were at the beginning of the 20th century when this law was made. It may have been true that factories were all forcing people to work a million hours a week and not paying them any more for the hours that were harder.

This whole argument… is complicated, and it will become a huge tangent if I talk about it. It all goes back to my anti-landownership beliefs, my anarchism. I don’t believe in land ownership, but don’t have a practical alternative for the world we live in, but I believe land ownership is one of the roots of all evil.

So. We would fry tons and tons of these tortilla chips in the morning. Then, we would put them into rectangular pans, and keep them up on top of the ‘line,’ the area where we made the food, or else keep them in heated cabinets. When they were in the heated cabinets, they would be kept there all day long, and if there were any left over, they would be kept till the next day.

This was unsaturated oil. The tortillas were covered with this oil. It would sit there in the heat, oxidizing, going more and more stale, turning to gum on the chips. It’s only a thin layer, so you can’t really see the chewing gum texture of it the way you can on all the frying equipment.

That stuff was absolutely impossible to remove. You could scrub it for hours with steel wool and degreaser, and it would not come off. I am chemical sensitive, and degreaser is one of the chemicals that I prefer never, ever to touch, inhale, or get anywhere near. I can handle bleach. I actually enjoy using bleach sometimes. But degreaser, absolutely not. I want nothing to do with degreaser, ever. I can feel it degreasing my sinuses, my throat, and my lungs with every breath. I don’t want my lungs to be degreased.

So I don’t use it. I will use normal detergent and steel wool to try to clean these things, using ‘elbow grease,’ till my arms become tired and painful and my joints hurt, and after a few minutes, I just give up and leave the chewing gum all over whatever I am washing. Fortunately, I am not asked to do this very often. I would only do it on my own, spontaneously, if I were under the influence of some kind of drug that caused me to be extremely ambitious and unable to feel pain.

That same chewing gum is on the fry station at McDonald’s. I don’t want to suggest that the type of oil they’re using is so much better that it never leaves any chewing gum on anything. The same thing happens there if you are trying to do an in-depth cleaning of the fry station equipment. It cannot be done, and so it is quickly rinsed and then left there.

However, I *am* saying that there is a difference between these oils, and I can tell the difference when I eat the food. I cannot say for sure, but I suspect it might actually be *better* to use partially hydrogenated oil than it is to use totally unsaturated oil. I am not quite certain of this and haven’t thoroughly tested any of it myself. I also haven’t done a lot of reading on the subject in a while either. I got the idea from reading, but I would want to support the idea with observations too.

Anyway, so the tortillas at Taco Bell would be left in the heated cabinet all day and all night long, under heat. We didn’t do that at McDonald’s. Anything that was fried, over there, would be thrown in the garbage after a little while. We did not obey the timers exactly. We would use our judgment. I personally would eat the food even if it was there past the timer. It varied from item to item. Particular items really were horrible if they went past the timer, like the fries. It’s really true that the fries are just absolutely inedible if they sit there for only a few minutes too long.

But the McChicken patties could sit there for a shockingly long time, a shamefully long time past the timer, hours and hours, and still be good enough to eat, and I personally would eat them. I don’t know exactly why it varied with each item. I *preferred* a fresh item, but yet, I was capable of eating them when they were old. McNuggets tended to be unpleasant if they were stale. They would dry out and become hollow shells with a big air gap between the chicken and the breading on the outside. I often made fresh nuggets. It also depended on factors such as how many nuggets were in the tray. Lots of nuggets piled together tended to protect each other, preventing the loss of moisture.

And, grrr! I got annoyed at employees who would leave all the drawers hanging open. This needs to be made foolproof and automated. Particular people would open the drawers and leave them open, where the food would quickly dry out when exposed to the outside air. This applied to the burgers in particular, especially the quarter pounders. Quarter pounders tend to sit there a little longer, and have less of a juice pool to sit in. So they rapidly turn into dark brown little rocks if you leave the drawer hanging open. You also have to stack them into a pile instead of isolating each burger individually.

And people just wouldn’t be paying attention to this, and wouldn’t notice the connection between leaving the drawing hanging open, and the stuff drying out. They wouldn’t notice that the quarter pounders would last an eternity if only, if only, if only you kept the drawer completely closed so that the air couldn’t get in. To make it foolproof, the drawer must close by itself after a certain amount of time.

So, anyway. At McD, even in the worst case scenario, a fried item, no matter what it was (the burgers aren’t fried, by the way, I just went off on a tangent when I talked about the burger drawers being left open), would always be thrown away, or used, within a few hours. It would never be kept all day and all night and used the next day.

But those tortillas at Taco Bell… oh, if you tried to choke one down. The grease changes. Something in its texture changes. I don’t know exactly what time this change occurs, whether it’s only a few minutes after sitting there, or a few hours, or if it sits there in the heating cabinet overnight – I don’t know. I only know that I never ate those chips. The grease texture changes so that it becomes irritating to the lining of the mouth, tongue, and throat. As soon as you try to swallow them, it literally sticks in your throat. You can barely even start to swallow them, when it will stick in your throat, and you start to cough and spit it out again. It is that bad. The grease is no longer a lubricant, but a sticky gum.

I recently got the urge to send a tweet to JK Rowling. I almost never use twitter. Something made me go look at it again recently, and I found out that somebody had tweeted at me and I had not noticed it for months. I used to occasionally use twitter when I had an ipod, but my ipod isn’t working anymore, and I don’t really like ipods and will try to avoid buying anything similar anytime soon. I have no money anyway.

So I don’t use twitter. I answered this long-forgotten tweet someone had sent me.

And then, I looked at JK Rowling. Her tweets are newsworthy. Every now and then, somebody will tweet something at her, and she’ll send a reply, and it will be headline news. These discussions are often about gay-lesbian etc – they’re always adding new letters to the cluster of letters, and I don’t remember how many letters there are now – LGBTQRXGVPON or something. I can get as far as LGBT before I forget exactly what it is. ‘Quilt’ was the mnemonic aid, I just don’t remember what else there was or how it worked, off the top of my head.

I think I know what it was, my brother quoted me on twitter. That’s what made me feel like going and looking at it again.

So, of course I’ve tried several times to figure out JK Rowling’s personality type, and, infamously, years ago, I typed her as probably an ENFJ, then later, an INFP. In socionics, that’s the Beta quadra: EIE and IEI. I could see that she was using some kind of intuition, and some kind of ethics, and I was right about that.

But she typed herself INFJ not long ago, maybe a couple years ago actually, and announced it to the world in such a way that I heard about it. That’s EII, in the Delta quadra, my socionic activator (I’m ISTP/SLI).

So for some reason, perhaps under the influence of drugs, I suddenly decided that it was important for me to inform her about the existence of socionics. I sent her a tweet telling her that socionics was a system that described the relationships between all the types, whether they were more comfortable relations, or more of a strain. I wasn’t sure whether or not anybody else had already told her about the existence of socionics in such a way as to catch her interest in it.

I decided not to bug her after that one tweet I sent, because there are billions of people bugging her and wanting her attention, and she’s a busy person with a lot to do, and it’s not possible for her to answer every single tweet that every single person sends her, unless it really catches her interest.

It’s kind of like me, if I go on a dating website, and suddenly a million guys are sending me letters, and the vast majority of them are extremely boring and uninspiring letters that don’t particularly motivate me to write back, you know, one-liners and stuff. Like ‘ASL?’ in a chatroom (asking for your age, sex, location). You get letters from a guy saying, ‘I’m a big, huge bodybuilder and I can bench press 1000 pounds, and I work out for five hours every day, and I shave my crotch and my armpits. Let’s have sex now!’ (when actually, I’m attracted to skinny, wimpy guys who might be able to develop some skinny, wiry muscles, but not much more than that, and I like natural body hair. They just assume that all women everywhere are attracted to the same thing, and they’re guaranteed to get women to have sex with them if they conform to this standard.).

So I imagine JK Rowling kind of feels like that. The vast majority of messages sent to her, not just on twitter but everywhere that people have access to her, will be letters that she regretfully must ignore. She simply cannot answer them all, and if she even tried, she would find that a lot of the conversations just went nowhere and fizzled out, which is what I myself have also found if I’ve attempted to reply to all the boring let’s-have-sex letters on dating websites.

I also read somebody somewhere mentioning that Rowling said she was in Hufflepuff. I don’t know if she actually said that or not. They said, ‘Oh, she just said that to make people stop making fun of Hufflepuff.’ But it’s funny, I also sorted myself into Hufflepuff. I blogged about a conversation I had at Taco Bell with a coworker who I was fond of, an LSI (the four socionic quadras do not correspond to the four Hogwarts houses, but yet, it has the same kind of feel to it, the basic idea, that people are sorted into groups with particular tendencies) who said he himself was in Slytherin. I forget how this conversation started. I know they talked about Quidditch. Or did they? Now I don’t remember.

Oh yeah, I think some objects fell off the shelf and made a loud clatter, all by themselves. And the guy said, ‘No more using magic outside of school!’ or something, and I laughed. The IEI guy was in on this conversation too, I just don’t remember who said what.

And somehow I ended up mentioning that I was in Hufflepuff, and they were like ‘HUFFLEPUFF??? Hufflepuff is for pussies! You should be in Slytherin with us! We have the coolest parties!’ and I laughed… Oh yeah, I remember I shouted back, ‘I’m proud to be a pussy!’

But yes, I picked Hufflepuff. I recognized Hufflepuff’s description of ‘people associated with food preparation,’ and ‘humble people who don’t seek a lot of glory,’ and I think they also mentioned plant growing – isn’t the herbology teacher from Hufflepuff? yes, she is – and it sounds just boring enough to describe me. So that’s why I chose Hufflepuff. And I was working as a dishwasher there, exactly a Hufflepuffish thing to do.

Anyway, the point was, I didn’t choose Hufflepuff just to be a copycat after hearing that, allegedly, JK Rowling said she herself was in that house (and I did not go look for the source of that claim yet). I decided on Hufflepuff years and years ago before I heard that.

You know, I just looked at the title of this Notepad file and remembered what I was supposed to be writing about.

Okay, so about fats and oils. Basically, people are always trying to figure out which fats and oils are the healthiest, and which ones are the unhealthiest, and what kind of health problems they cause, and what kind of nutrition they provide, and what kind of health problems they prevent if they’re the good kind of fat. You need some fat in your diet, but it has to be the right kind, and it should have fat-soluble nutrients, like vitamins A, D, E, and K, along with other antioxidants. It’s a complicated subject.

So I bought extra virgin olive oil not long ago. I bought it from an American supplier, California Olive Ranch. They found out that people were selling extra virgin olive oil that really wasn’t extra virgin, or it wasn’t even olives, but instead was, like, soybean oil labeled with ‘olive oil’ on the container, or else it had sat around on the shelf for so long that it had lost all its flavors and nutrients. So they recommended getting the freshest, realest olive oil from real olives, pressed most recently, in the United States, and so, I did that.

Well, after getting some extremely fresh oil from real olives, I discovered something. Olive oil is a strong aphrodisiac. It also has some sort of antidepressant properties. These are all most noticeable when it’s fresh, and when it’s actually made from olives instead of soybean oil labeled as olive oil.

I can eat olives. I had a jar of olives not long ago. The olives in the jar did not have an aphrodisiac effect. Maybe when they are ‘cured’ in the salt brine, it changes something. I don’t know. I have never picked a raw olive off the tree and eaten it. They say it’s so bitter you can’t stand it.

Okay, so, what is wrong with eating a food that has a strong aphrodisiac effect? It is inconvenient. If you want to have that effect, then you should be aware of it and do it deliberately. You don’t want to do it accidentally, all the time, every time you cook with olive oil.

I wasn’t aware of it in the past, I just had some unexplained observations for many years. I only noticed it for certain when I bought the freshest real oil. Then I did google searches and found out that actually, this has been known for a long time in the countries where they produce the oil and people are eating it freshest all the time. Americans are less aware of it because they’re eating old stale oil, or fake oil that isn’t even from olives.

Olive oil is thought to be one of the healthier types of oil, and it’s extremely popular and is universally being recommended by almost everyone everywhere as a healthy alternative to other types of fats and oils. And so, people will be dumping large amounts of this oil on everything, every day. And they’ll be thinking that they have to find the freshest, highest quality, non-fraudulent olive oil from real olives, just like I was thinking.

However, I experienced effects (from the extremely fresh real oil) that were frightening. In addition to the strong aphrodisiac effect, I also noticed the feeling of ‘head pressure.’ It’s hard to describe, other than saying, I feel like my head is going to explode, or else I’m going to have a stroke. I feel like pressure is building up in my head, and the only way that pressure can be relieved is if something starts to bleed. It scares me, I really feel like I’m about to have a stroke. I can’t explain why olive oil would do that, but I observed it myself.

The aphrodisiac effect can be used deliberately, with caution. Over the years, I have observed which foods trigger sexual arousal. My sexual arousal is usually at a very low level, but if I eat particular foods, chemicals, or drugs, it suddenly becomes stronger, and I can see the obvious connection to whatever I ate.

I had reasons why I needed to worry about my levels of sexual arousal. When I was using herbal antidepressants, and later, when I was unintentionally contaminated with them, I was getting harmful, destructive suggestions from ‘them’ to keep chasing after and harassing guys who didn’t want to be with me. In order to stop doing that, I had to avoid anything that triggered sexual arousal.

Targeted individuals, people who are aware that they’re being stalked and attacked with electronic weapons, experience terrible suffering anytime they need to masturbate. I have nothing against the act of masturbation. I am not opposed to it. I do not believe it is morally wrong. I’m an atheist, and I was never raised to believe that sex was bad, although we were implicitly sort of a prudish family.

But anytime that I need to masturbate, I experience horrible harassment from the attackers, with very annoying voices and images in my head, offensive things that are disruptive and disturbing, things that make me angry, things that interfere with sex, as though the people attacking me *ARE* religious and they believe masturbation itself is bad. They are simultaneously fascinated with it, and judgmentally punishing people for it, at the same time.

All the other TIs report the same thing. I recently saw a photo of someone protesting the attacks with a big sign that said, ‘STOP WATCHING ME MASTURBATE!’ This is the reality of life for a targeted individual.

Masturbation occurs in animals, and in fact, there was a particular kind of animal, I forget what, some kind of small rodent maybe, like a guinea pig or something – when the female went into heat, she absolutely had to either have sex for real, or else have an object that she could rub against, and, according to this source (I’ll never be able to find it on google again), she would actually *die* if she was prevented from masturbating during the time period when she was in heat.

Incidentally, for all the people interested in LGBT issues, bonobo apes are bisexual; however, I haven’t gotten into the discussion of preventable brain changes resulting from prenatal exposure to hormones such as birth control pills just before pregnancy, or other drugs during pregnancy. Some homo-/bisexuality is natural, and some of it comes from preventable damage to the brain from chemicals and drugs. That’s a big subject.

I’ve been inserting a bunch of paragraphs in between other paragraphs, which is taking me far away on a tangent, and so I should go back to what I was saying. The point was, I have reasons why masturbation and sexual arousal are an issue for me, mostly because I have to resist urges to seduce men or to chase after men who aren’t interested in me, and also because masturbation attracts unwanted attention, harassment, and interaction from the mind controllers. Sometimes it’s not so bad, other times it’s horrible and I get very angry, just like all the other TIs out there.

And, strangely, even though I’m an atheist, I can actually sort of agree with some of religion’s anti-sexual, anti-masturbation attitudes, except I totally disagree with their whole way of going about it and their whole understanding of it. Religion doesn’t understand what *causes* sexual urges. They wouldn’t know, for instance, that if somebody is eating lots of fresh olive oil, they will have an irresistible urge to masturbate, and religion will, instead, tell you that all you have to do is push a magic button in your brain, use your free will, make a ‘moral choice,’ and voluntarily choose to refrain from masturbating – rather than finding the cause, taking it away, and relieving the person from the burden of spending hours and hours fighting a battle against an irresistible urge which is caused by some kind of drug-like substance in their food, through no fault of their own.

If only you can troubleshoot the causes of these urges, then it will, actually, have some of the ‘moral’ effects that religion is aiming for, such as, if you have fewer of the artificially induced sexual urges, then you will be less likely to cheat on your husband or wife while they are away.

But if you are constantly bombarded by chemicals that you don’t understand and cannot stop eating, if you are taking drugs, or doing anything at all that triggers sexual arousal, then your life will be a constant, nonstop war against yourself and your own bodily urges. And there are many different drugs and foods and herbs that do it. A huge number of drugs have sexual arousal as a side effect. I’ve noticed it even if I inhale secondhand smoke. I can’t list them all.

so I don’t agree with religion for blaming you and calling it a moral choice. If you don’t understand the cause of the urges, then you will spend your entire life fighting against them every waking moment, so that you have no energy left to do anything else but that. And that is a wasteful way to spend your time.

Or else, you just give in to the urges, and then call yourself a sinner and beg for forgiveness, and then play those little
hypocritical religion-games where actually the priests are all perverts who are thrilled to discover that you are guilty of surrendering to irresistible sexual urges, and they want to encourage you to keep doing that. We won’t even go there, not today.

Back to what I was saying.

I notice sexual arousal after eating any kind of meats or dairy products from CAFOs, factory farms, which contain synthetic hormones. This seems to especially happen with factory farm chicken, and factory farm cream that came from particular cream dispensers, most notably, McDonald’s cream dispensers, when I would put cream in my coffee. If I eat something like grassfed beef or any other meat that is, at least, of moderately better quality, I won’t notice these effects, so it is not merely caused by eating meat itself. It is the
hormone-filled, factory farm meat that causes it.

I also notice it with a few weird things, like for instance, all Pepsi drink products. I drink Coke, and I don’t have it with Coke. I do not know what is in Pepsi products. It happened when I drank from a plastic bottle of regular Pepsi, and it also happened when I drank Sierra Mist from plastic bottles. I theorized that it could be bisphenol-A or whatever substance they are using as a replacement for bisphenol-A in the plastic bottles, but I do not know that for sure. BPA, and all the replacements for it, is a xenohormone, a chemical that acts like a hormone when it gets in your body.

And, then, I also noticed it with the olive oil. I do not know what is in the olive oil that causes it. Does it come from the olives themselves, or does it come from some substance added to the olives during processing? I did not have any effect at all from eating a few cured whole olives in a jar.


So now, I have this enormous bottle of olive oil. I have tested it, a few drops at a time, and have noticed the freshness going down as the months go by. The effects are weaker now. If I allowed this to sit around for a few more months or a year, it might become nothing but oil. And then it might be safe to use for cooking.

My bike was outside all winter long, getting rained and snowed on. The chain is rusty. I will need to start riding my bike again. I couldn’t find the bike chain oil. I googled it, and read that using vegetable oil won’t cause instant death for the bicycle, although it will gum it up after a while.

So today, I put some fresh, real, authentic, California-grown, extra virgin, first cold press olive oil into a little container, and I turned my bike upside down, and I oiled the chain. I’m sorry for disrespecting the olive oil this way. But it’s a very large bottle and there is no way that I will be able to go through that entire bottle in a decade, when I use it only a couple drops at a time very intermittently. I might as well oil the bike chain with it.

That is all. I was actually planning to go somewhere on my bike. I might not go out today. And then, ‘they’ gave me the urge to write a blog about natural afro-textured black hair, but I wrote this blog instead. I’d still like to write about afro hair, and my own racism. I don’t want to be a racist, but I am one, and so I make deliberate efforts to learn more about people of other races, and in particular, it’s the African race that I have difficulty with.

That’s a whole other blog, and I might or might not get to it today. I’d like to talk about my racism and, strangely, the opposite: my fascination with the beauty and uniqueness of every race, my fascination with the idea of genetic variety, so that actually, even though I personally feel racist at the emotional level, but at the intellectual level, I can advocate that people ought to reach out to other races and have interracial relationships – something JK Rowling also was making an effort to do, in her stories and her movies, where many of the main characters’ relationships were with black people or Asians or Indians. I agree, this is a beautiful thing, and it also takes a deliberate effort to do. So that will be another blog topic for later.

The story of my yellow teeth

March 29, 2015

9:24 PM 3/29/2015

I’m not using St. John’s Wort every day, nor ginseng – I’ve been using them intermittently hoping that they will loosen me up from the rut that I’m stuck in, and sometimes they kind of do, but not really, and not always. I will probably continue to use them both intermittently.

Quitting caffeine will probably be the most beneficial thing for me. I start to notice some behavior changes even in the first 24 hours that I’ve quit it. Merely by cutting back on it and deliberately resisting the urge to drink one cup of coffee makes a difference.

I quit it for about a day, just the other day. I ended up drinking the coffee again in this moment when I was feeling burning pain all over my body. I really do nothing but sleep when I quit it. But then, when I’m drinking coffee, I don’t do anything truly productive, either, although I blog a lot more. I never did set up an arrangement to get me paid for blogging. That project was started and not finished, a while back. Those WordPress ads don’t pay me, the ones at the bottom of this page.

Okay, so I made videos, and I noticed a couple of things. I do have pretty eyes. It’s one of the things that I like most about my face. I scowl a lot more than I thought I did, but also, my emotions are affected by the SJW, so I might not always scowl that much. I have a permanent scowl line between my eyebrows. I also narrow my eyes a lot while scowling. So when I am talking in the videos I express doubt, uncertainty, skepticism, or suspicion.

It is hard for me to imagine talking for a long time about a pleasant subject that gave me positive emotions which I was able to sustain for a long time (and also, to be not using any drugs while doing this).

I actually remember, when I was a teenager, a boy told me not to do that with my eyebrows (the scowl). I sort of couldn’t help doing it, so I was surprised that he was telling me to stop. I used to unconsciously do it while talking and listening to people. I made an effort not to do it so often while listening to people, and nowadays, I try to make a mostly blank face while listening, unless I need to express sympathy for someone. Maybe I should make a candid video of myself listening to somebody, and see what microexpressions I’m making without being aware of it.

When I was a child, my mom called me ‘vain.’ I kept looking in the mirror at myself all the time, and she explained that it was vanity to always look at yourself. I love to look at humans, but other people don’t really want you to look at them constantly, and they can be threatening and frightening and anxiety-provoking. But I do still love to look at photographs of people online. Any photograph with a person in it is much more interesting than a photograph without a person in it, and if the only person available is me, then I’m going to take a selfie.

I’d take candid pictures of strangers, or friends or acquaintances, but I’m antisocial and spend almost all my time alone. And I do not know how to make people feel comfortable while I’m taking their photographs. They will start to smile and grin, aware that they are being photographed, and I’d have to tell them to just be themselves. I just want to take pictures of people doing whatever they’re doing. I don’t feel comfortable going out in public and taking pictures of people I don’t know – it seems like it violates a social norm. I don’t even want to do it from a great distance away. It is like violating a person without their permission, somehow.

Also, in the video, I can see the effects of my Weston Price deformities of the jaw and face. But that doesn’t bother me much anymore, now that I have a name for it and know what causes it. In the past, I would have looked, and looked, and looked at myself, trying to accept my ugliness and make peace with it. I am much more at peace with it now that I know it’s called ‘deformities’ and it’s preventable. All you have to do is eat a nourishing diet, and avoid drugs and toxic substances, and your children will be born much more beautiful, and then you also have to feed them that way their whole life.

The Weston Price deformities are not officially called ‘The Weston Price Deformities,’ I just refer to them that way. Weston Price was the author who wrote ‘Nutrition and Physical Degeneration,’ which talks about how primitive tribes do not have these deformities, the narrowing of the face, narrow nostrils, a tiny mouth with crooked teeth that have no space to grow, and other deformities. They are not genetic, they are preventable. That book is my Holy Bible. (and I was just reading about religion again today, which is why I’m mentioning the Holy Bible. Holy came from the word ‘helios,’ the sun. Almost all religions are based on sun worship and also phallus worship.)

I can see my smashed mouth, my formerly buck teeth (pushed back with braces, but still big and visible as soon as I open my mouth), my narrow nose – all of it is forgivable and acceptable now that I understand what causes it. I wasn’t merely born ugly because of genetics. I was made ugly by an ignorant society that forgot how to make its children beautiful, but people are rediscovering that lost knowledge. Because I have that knowledge, I know that I can make my children beautiful, if I ever get the chance to do that before it is too late. I can also teach other people how.

Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter was described as having the ‘long narrow face.’ They actually chose an actor who really did have this deformity, who grew up to keep this deformity the whole time, who grew up smaller and skinnier than average – typical Weston Price
deformities. I’m just amazed that the people who chose the actor were able to foresee this in him at such a young age. I am not able to look at a young teenager and say that they have a narrow face deformity which they will have for the rest of their life.

So in the videos, it’s obvious that I have yellow teeth. A few years ago, the mind controllers/computer hackers were constantly harassing me, nonstop, about my yellow teeth. They were constantly giving me advertisements for tooth whiteners, talking to me about it with voices in my head, and all that.

If I recall correctly, I had yellow teeth even back during the time when I was brushing my teeth normally.

I will just tell the story of my teeth. My teeth are in terrible condition now, but there are reasons why they got that way.

Yes, I did have yellow teeth for a very long time, even when I was just brushing my teeth the normal way with toothpaste. I wasn’t doing anything wrong or abnormal back then. I was doing everything the conventional way, with regard to my teeth. I just didn’t do anything to deliberately whiten them.

The only thing I was doing ‘wrong’ which could possibly be blamed for causing my teeth to turn yellow was, I drank a lot of coffee. Actually, I will just list several explanations.

1. Drinking coffee (I didn’t smoke, but cigarettes are often blamed)

2. Age. Some sources say the teeth normally yellow with age. I’m 40. I don’t remember when my teeth began to turn yellow, because I didn’t pay attention to it and didn’t care about it, until the hackers/mind controllers were harassing me about it, and I still didn’t care.

3. Fluoride. I have also read that fluoride causes yellowing of the teeth. I used fluoride my whole life, the normal way, and went to the dentist when I was younger. I haven’t been to the dentist in many, many years… in fact, I don’t remember when, but I think it was 2008, that was the last time I went to the dentist, when I had my metal filling replaced with a plastic one, and the dentist convinced me to get an additional plastic filling, so now I have two. But when I was younger, I used to regularly get those disgusting fluoride treatments where they dip your teeth in goo inside a styrofoam U-shaped thing.

4. Liver disease. I suspect that I have some kind of a liver problem, and have had it for years, ever since the major health problems in general began for me in 1998 or 1999. If I stop drinking caffeine, I will often have pale, clay colored stools. Caffeine causes you to secrete bile, which darkens stools. Anyway, jaundice causes everything everywhere to turn yellow, so perhaps it could yellow my teeth too, but I don’t have jaundice all over. This is actually one reason why I am curious to try a low-carb diet, because it would allow my pancreas and liver to, probably, heal a little bit. I eat a lot of sugar. I don’t know for sure if it’s sugar itself, or the ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL THAT THEY ADD TO IT (yes, all caps, I was reading recently about the truly horrific substances that are used in making white sugar, and it doesn’t take much imagination for me to think that if you eat something that contains isopropyl alcohol, you may damage your liver).

I also observed some strange correlations. My pale colored stools would happen if I walked outside in the rain. They would happen after I walked next to a local creek or lake. This suggests environmental pollution is triggering it. And I noticed other people had pale stools in the port-a-potties when I was living in my car, when I would often take naps in the parking lot near the parks. So it seemed like it affected this whole area (note, that is one of those hypotheses which is drawn from very few examples – this is all just a
hypothesis). I would go home to my parents in West Virginia, and the pale stools would stop happening. They were temporary and did not happen all the time, and they did seem to correlate with some various things.

I do not know what kind of air pollution or environmental pollution or farming pollution could be in this area that would trigger it. (Geoengineering, chemtrails, is another theory, but this region isn’t one of the places where it’s supposedly being done really heavily, as far as I know – I could be wrong.) It could be anything. It could be gypsy moth spray applied to the trees. I got sick when they were spraying that, years ago, in spite of all their reassurances that the spray was perfectly natural and had no effect on humans, blah blah, it’s a bacteria that affects the digestive systems of the moths, and I couldn’t help noticing that’s right around the time when MY OWN digestive system completely went to hell.

Okay, so back to the story of my teeth. I won’t be able to observe my stools until I completely stop using all caffeine. They definitely change when I am off it. For the time being, I am lacking that information.

I don’t want to whiten my teeth merely for the sake of whitening my teeth. I wasn’t raised to believe that white teeth were an absolute necessity of life, and so I don’t feel insecure when my teeth aren’t white. I do feel insecure about other things, like if my hair is greasy – I just used a little bit of my own cash and bought shampoo and conditioner again. I will have to postpone experiments with alternative hair washing methods. I cannot do it in this tiny sink in my bathroom. There are reasons why it’s inconvenient right now, but I haven’t forgotten and want to try again.

I *was* told that a woman (and, often, men do it too) must pluck their eyebrows, especially if they go over the nose bridge. Unfortunately, I did that for a long time as a teenager and young adult, but then stopped. The hair didn’t grow back – traction alopecia. There are just a few tiny, weak hairs that aren’t very long, now, and they are easily pulled out – the roots are weak and loose. But when I was a child, my eyebrows extended slightly inwards over the nose bridge, not all the way across. I was also taught to bleach my mustache, but I stopped doing that, too, and I never waxed it – if I were going to remove it, I would shave it or something, but I don’t do that either, not anymore.

Anyway, so I won’t whiten my teeth merely to look nice. But if the yellow teeth are caused by 1. something unnatural that people shouldn’t do, like using fluoride, or 2. something unhealthy I shouldn’t be doing anyway, like using too much caffeine, or 3. a health problem that still needs to be solved, like a liver problem or something, then I would want to fix those problems, and allow the teeth to do what they will as a side effect, with no effort directed at whitening them. The yellow teeth might provide information about my health and my habits. I might want to change my health and my habits, but the teeth will simply do what they will. And if it is a normal result of aging, then I certainly won’t whiten them.

So to sum it up, I will not do anything to deliberately whiten my teeth. I had already decided that many years ago when the
hackers/controllers started relentlessly harassing me about having yellow teeth.

Okay, now for more recent years, and how I am brushing my teeth.

A few years ago, during the time when I stopped using shampoo and conditioner, and stopped combing my hair, but continued to take showers and get my hair wet, thereby forming natural dreadlocks – during that time, ‘they’ also suggested that I should stop using toothpaste and stop brushing my teeth. This was one time when I disagreed with ‘them.’ I wasn’t ready to stop brushing my teeth, because I was always eating a very unhealthy diet and drinking tons of coffee and Coke. If I could not stop caffeine, then I thought it was probably a bad idea to stop brushing my teeth. I wasn’t ready.

However, I took their suggestion, against my own advice. This was something that came from the voices in my head. We were testing things. I always want to test things, and so I went along with this.

In the Weston Price book, the primitive people often don’t brush their teeth at all, using any method at all. They are eating such a healthy natural diet that there is absolutely no necessity to brush their teeth. Sometimes they found tartar buildup on the teeth, but no cavities.

One thing I can’t test is a world without electromagnetic radiation. That affects calcium in the body.

I was just thinking about how primitive people would have had so many more minerals in their food and water and environment than we do. And if you touch the soil barefoot, I imagine the minerals go through your skin. I think that touching soil probably nourishes you. Primitive people would have been closer to the soil all of the time, living in houses with a dirt floor, using stones heated in the fire and put into the water to boil it, and so on. They would have had direct contact with soil all the time, on their skin, and in their food and water. They might have eaten clay sometimes. They might have eaten more dirt in their food. They would have used stone tools.

But, primitive people would have also lived in a world where the only electromagnetic radiation came from the earth itself, and nothing more (unless it’s true that faraway aliens have been enslaving us in a mind control system for 10,000 years, as some people claim, and
actually…. I won’t entirely disagree with that theory – it’s possible).

So anyway, that would have been the rationale for why it would be okay to stop brushing my teeth, except that I wasn’t in that situation – I was drinking tons of caffeine, using herbal drugs, and eating a horrible diet. So whatever applied to the primitive people did not apply to me.

Well, first I stopped using toothpaste. I kept on brushing my teeth with a toothbrush to remove the plaque.

In a few weeks after quitting toothpaste and using nothing but water, my teeth started to deteriorate. Unfortunately, the fluoride was indeed holding my teeth together, although I don’t think teeth ought to be dependent on fluoride to hold them together. I started getting white areas near the gumlines of many of the teeth, and those white areas were softer – I could press a fingernail into them and leave a dent. The fluoride was a band-aid patching together my teeth which ought to have had all the natural minerals instead of fluoride, and which ought to have had a healthier diet and lifestyle in general, but did not.

My teeth were demineralized before I stopped using toothpaste. The dentist who convinced me to get another dental filling, which I hadn’t wanted, told me that my teeth were demineralized and that I had a cavity which was ‘right next to the root,’ suggesting that if I had waited only a couple minutes longer before I caught it in the nick of time, it would have required a root canal.

I learned later on that it’s normal for a cavity to go ‘right near the root,’ because the root builds a wall between itself and the cavity, constantly, and so, for the rest of eternity, as long as you are eating a diet with enough minerals, your cavity can go right next to the root, and be only a tiny fraction of a millimeter away from the root, but there’s no pain and no harm done, because your root constantly builds that wall, and it never stops building that wall.

So if you went to the dentist now, or five years from now, no matter when you went there, they would ALWAYS tell you that you had caught the cavity just in the nick of time before it required a root canal. The tooth can’t completely fill in all the holes created by the cavity, but it can, and will, always put just a thin wall between the root and the outside world, always, just barely covering itself. That’s why there is no need to extract a damaged tooth. Just leave the root there, and it will always heal itself. I have a totally ruined molar, and it has no pain unless I’m eating particular foods or eating a really bad diet for a long time. I might even be able to take a picture of this totally destroyed molar. It looks awful.

Okay. So I stopped using toothpaste, and that’s when my teeth began to soften and form those squishy white areas.

Also, my teeth have probably been damaged by orthodontic braces. Braces bend your teeth at the roots and yank them to a different place where they weren’t meant to be. It puts a strain on the tooth. My teeth are probably weaker because they’ve been bent and cracked into an unnatural position.

So then, after a little while of doing that, I moved on to not even brushing them with a toothbrush at all. I went for a long time doing absolutely nothing to my teeth, while continuing to eat a horrific diet and drink large amounts of coffee and Coke.

My teeth haven’t fallen out yet, but every single tooth has a cavity or is damaged.

Eventually – and I actually went at least a year without brushing them in any way at all, but I didn’t keep track of it and don’t remember – eventually I started brushing my teeth intermittently, sometimes with toothpaste, sometimes without toothpaste. The white soft areas never healed. Everything just got worse, but slowly. There is no pain. But I am not brushing them daily anymore. But that’s not why they’re yellow. I’m telling you, they were definitely yellow BEFORE I stopped brushing them. And I refused to bleach them even back then.

Bleaching your teeth, or doing anything that results in a color change, whether you define it as ‘bleaching’ or not (for example, using peroxide, and probably also using baking soda, or even brushing your teeth with ashes the old-fashioned primitive way, which is also said to whiten the teeth), damages the teeth, but I don’t know how badly because I’ve never done it, and don’t want to.

The only thing that ever made my teeth hurt unbearably was: tartar control toothpaste. I bought tartar control toothpaste one time, and then, my teeth were in agonizing pain constantly. I went to the dentist, because I was still going regularly back then, and told him. He asked me if I was using tartar control toothpaste, I said yes, and the problem was solved. So I started rigidly sticking with just one kind of toothpaste, cavity control only, the most basic kind available, and I avoided any extra features.

I’ve tried Tom’s of Maine’s toothpaste, and guess what… it causes unbearable tooth pain. 😦 Whatever is in it, I don’t know which ingredient, whether it’s the natural mint oil, or something else… but something in it causes unbearable tooth pain, and so, I am just using plain old mainstream toothpaste, Colgate in the red box, cavity protection only. Tom’s of Maine is supposed to be a more natural product, but in reality, it’s one of those things that just has a couple of natural-ish ingredients mixed with conventional ingredients. I also used Tom’s of Maine deodorant a few years ago, the deodorant without antiperspirant, because I read that the antiperspirant is one of the worst things in the deodorant, and actually, I really liked the smell of the calendula one. But I stopped using even that.

I started washing my body with shampoo many years ago when I lived with my ex-boyfriend. He was doing that, and I copied him, and found that I stopped having junk building up in the pores in my face once I wasn’t using soap anymore on my face. But I have noticed that it’s the shampoo that leads to my body odor more than anything else. If I wash without any shampoo or any products at all, I don’t smell as much. Shampoo contains sulfates, which probably turn into
sulfur-based odors. However, I don’t completely stop having body odor when I shower without any soaps or shampoos. The shampoo just makes it stronger.

Back to my teeth. So nowadays, I brush intermittently, and sometimes go days without brushing my teeth at all, and I brush them if I expect that I might be kissing somebody, which doesn’t happen very often now that Jesse is in boot camp.

As a result of all this, I have been able to observe what makes my cavities worse. I have small cavities in every tooth. Every tooth has an area where the enamel is gone and you can see the yellow dentin, or whatever, underneath. I can observe the texture changes in my teeth when I drink Coke.

There are a couple of seemingly benign foods that seem to worsen my cavities. Blueberries are the one in particular that I regret. I used to often get these frozen wild blueberries, the small blueberries that actually have a flavor. I absolutely cannot stand the gigantic, mushy, tasteless, ‘high yield,’ cultivated blueberries. Those are so awful I want absolutely nothing to do with them. But I very much enjoy the tiny little wild blueberries, and I was able to find those in bags in the frozen section in the grocery store, back when I had a car and I was able to go to different stores (this Weis only has normal frozen blueberries, the big mushy ones). I also was getting frozen pineapple chunks at the same time, and I have already talked to other people who told me that pineapple gave them bad cavities and tooth pain, and I’ve experienced it myself.

But blueberries, those benign little blueberries, which don’t even seem to be all that acidic, they’re not very sour, I don’t know why this would happen, but those little wild blueberries gave me rapidly worsening cavities, even when I ate them alone without any pineapple – I used to mix pineapple and blueberries together and eat that all the time, when I had a car and was shopping wherever I wanted. But it’s just the blueberries alone that do it to me, too. You wouldn’t even think that would happen.

Weston Price mentioned that he found some people living in areas that were kind of close to each other. One group was higher on the mountains where it was colder, and they could not grow grapes. Another group was lower, and they grew grapes. He thought the grape-growing people would have healthier teeth because they were getting vitamin C from the fruits, but actually, the grape growers had more cavities. So there is some reason to believe that even in groups which have an overall healthy diet – both did, in this scenario – and have overall very few cavities, you will still see an increase in cavities if they eat fruit. It was a trivial increase in comparison to the horrific teeth of the modern people, just to put it in perspective, and so you wouldn’t have to recommend that everybody completely stop eating fruit altogether.

I would need to put that in perspective – even the Inuit people of the Arctic eat fruits. They collect berries in the summertime. I’m not going to advise them to stop doing that because they might increase their cavities by a fraction of a percent even in an otherwise healthy diet.

What I have learned is that cavities are painless, and root canals are never needed for any reason. Your tooth can be completely destroyed, and there is no pain if you ‘repent’ and return to eating a better diet afterwards. The root seals itself shut behind a wall of newly formed tooth. It cannot completely regrow, it can only build just a little barrier to prevent the outside world from entering into the root and infecting it.

So yes, all of my teeth are in absolutely horrific shape, and I believe that I would not have these cavities now if I had only continued brushing my teeth with fluoride toothpaste years ago, if only I had not started that experiment of going for only a few weeks without using toothpaste. It was during those few weeks that the weak, soft, white spots formed, and they never went away even when I started brushing again.

However, that being said: do I ‘believe in’ using fluoride
toothpaste? No. I believe that’s just a band-aid that modern people are using to patch things together, to compensate for a lifestyle and a diet that are really bad and lacking in minerals and/or binding minerals or actively depleting them with caffeine and electromagnetic fields.

I think, if you went your whole lifetime eating a Weston
Price-inspired diet (it doesn’t have to be word-for-word exactly what he recommends), if you didn’t grow up with the face and jaw
deformities that affect how your teeth close together, malocclusions, if you never got braces that yanked your teeth into unnatural positions, and if you went an entire lifetime never brushing your teeth at all, and never using fluoride at all, I believe that you would not have any cavities or any tooth damage, just like the primitive people did. You’d also have to avoid using drugs and caffeine and alcohol and tobacco.

I might possibly be able to take a picture of my teeth during the daytime when there’s more light. A flash would cause problems. My camera is terrible so it might not be able to focus enough to see anything.

Why organ meats aren’t available at my local grocery store – a conversation with a meat department employee

March 29, 2015

5:30 PM 3/29/2015

I asked the butcher at Weis about organ meats a few weeks ago.

Here is my situation. I no longer have a car. I ride a bike or the bus. I have chronic fatigue, so I get tired if I ride my bike a long way. Now, I’m also on food stamps. So I can’t order food online with food stamps, otherwise I’d be ordering all sorts of weird exotic things from faraway places right now. Now that I don’t have money, I won’t ride the bus unless I have to, because it’s $1.75 each way.

So, that all means that I only shop at the little local grocery store, Weis Market, which is just a short distance from my house. I can walk to it in a couple minutes, or ride my bike.

Weis Market is not huge. It’s not tiny either – I’ve seen tinier grocery stores. But it’s just a mainstream store. It doesn’t specialize in organic foods or foreign foods or local foods. There is a small selection of local foods, a small selection of organic foods, and a small selection of foreign foods or ethnic foods. It also has a small selection of grass fed meat, but hardly any – just packages of ground beef or something.

I’d live next to Wegman’s if I could. They have a beautiful store. It has private owners – it isn’t a publicly traded business, if I understand correctly (too technical, not in the mood to look it up). They have a wide variety of exotic foods, like weird and disgusting cheeses that are totally inedible (I’ve tried a few) from France and what not. They have some weird foods that are too hardcore for me. But they also have a lot of weird foods that are exactly what I want, like tiny refrigerated jars of wild caught salmon eggs. I ate those, and they were delicious, and they did not contain synthetic hormones from fish farms like the other caviar I tried – lumpfish caviar in a jar at room temperature.

So anyway, I do not live next to Wegman’s for various reasons. I am here next to Weis.

So one day a couple weeks ago, I talked to a meat department employee and asked him if it was possible to ever order any organ meats. I’ve seen bones there, with marrow, I’ve seen oxtails, I’ve seen liver, but not much else. Maybe a few other things. I’m scared to try bones again, and scared to try oxtails for the same reason – when I cooked bones before, it was beyond disastrous in ways too numerous to explain. (I blogged about it.) If I ever cook bone marrow again, or even handle it at all, even raw, I will have to make sure it’s the highest quality marrow from the healthiest grassfed cows, and even then, I am still going to be extremely careful, because I believe it is inherently an irritating substance for unknown reasons. It causes vomiting and strange bodily reactions (again, all in the blog elsewhere).

So, I won’t go into all that, but basically, I don’t want to take the risk of messing with any bone marrow or even oxtails (that’s bones) right now, until and unless I have my own kitchen, my own
infrastructure, and my own quarantined isolation chamber for handling dangerous and toxic substances that can contaminate the air. I’ve been told that if you cook kidneys, the whole house will smell like urine for the rest of eternity (my mom did it), and with bones, the vapors from the marrow will fill up the refrigerator, contaminating all the other food and all the shelves and surfaces, so that anything that’s put in the fridge becomes vomit-inducing, if it even collects just a single molecule of bone marrow vapor.

The bone marrow vapors floating in the air in that apartment where this happened would trigger the gag reflex if I even inhaled just a molecule of them in the air, and they lingered in the air and could not be moved out with any kind of a fan or anything. Bone marrow must be handled outdoors, and never brought indoors. I don’t know how all these other people are doing it. Everybody else says they have no problem at all handling bone broth and bone marrow. Nobody ever says that what happened to me happened to them….

So basically, our store has nothing that I can eat except liver, and I think they also get tripe, stomach, intestines, whatever it is.

I asked the meat department guy about special ordering organ meats. He said yes, it was possible to special order something, but unfortunately, I could not order anything except the things that they normally would be getting anyway (oxtails, tripe, liver…).

And this was an interesting and informative conversation. I told him I wanted to get several other kinds of organ meats, whatever might be possible, such as kidney, brain, sweetbreads (thymus), or anything else at all, whatever they could get.

I’m aware that all, or most, of those should also be handled with care due to my chemical sensitivity – my food laboratory would have the infrastructure for that, the quarantined area or outdoor area separated from the rest of the food. And if I ever tried them, I would eat only the tiniest amount, then wait a long time to see my reactions to them.

So this is what he told me. He said that things nowadays were the opposite of the way they used to be. In the past, you would buy something like beef tongue because it was cheap and nobody wanted it. I actually remember reading a Ramona Quimby book when I was a child, and one time, her family bought tongue because their father was unemployed or something and they were buying cheap food, and everyone was grossed out because it was tongue. But, he said, nowadays, the price of organ meats was sky high, and he said it had something to do with the inspection process being really expensive.

I don’t know if this is the reason, but that reminded me of something else I had read. I read an article where somebody worked in a slaughterhouse, and he could easily tell the difference between grassfed cows and grain fed cows. At the slaughterhouse, the grain fed cows would have their livers and internal organs so decayed, so diseased, so rotten, that they would squish and fall apart and turn literally into mush, and those organs were totally unusable. The grain fed cows were being poisoned not merely by eating grain, but by living indoors inside a factory farm, never getting sunlight, fresh air, a clean environment, always being fed or injected with
antibiotics and hormones and growth promoters and everything else. The result was the total destruction of all their internal organs so that they were a worthless pile of mush at the slaughterhouse. They rarely could ever find any organs that were worth saving from all the CAFO cows.

However, as you might expect, all the grassfed cows had strong, firm, healthy organs that were all the highest quality and edible. He had to sort through these cows and could always tell the difference immediately.

So I thought, maybe that is why organ meats are just not available anymore. Grassfed cows are a rarity nowadays, and CAFO cows are the majority. All the organs will be diseased, worthless mush that doesn’t pass the quality inspections. So, out of 100 cows, maybe only one of them will have a kidney that hasn’t turned completely into mush and will pass inspection. So there is a scarcity of edible organs, and so, they are all extremely expensive nowadays. He was saying something like $18 a pound for something, I forget what.

But it wasn’t always that way. In the past, a larger percentage of cows were grassfed, and even if they were grain fed, they might have still had access to grass and the outdoors and weren’t as pumped up with hormones and chemicals. They could eat some grain but still would have had a better lifestyle overall, in the not too distant past. So back then, it was still possible to find a reasonable number of organs that could pass the quality inspections. They might not have always been ideal, but they would have been better than the worst CAFO meat nowadays. So organs didn’t cost as much back then.

This meat department guy said that very few people ever bought the organ meats anyways, which was why they were usually in the freezer section. That was where I saw them. I would buy liver, but it’s always too much. The liver has to be thawed out, and the slices have to be separated, and I have to pick out only one slice, maybe, and separate all the slices into separate packages so that they don’t freeze back into one big lump, and then, put all the separate packages back into the freezer, because I certainly will not use up that gigantic ton of liver in a short period of time, when, like I said, I notice my hair starts falling out from vitamin A poisoning after only a couple days of eating large amounts of pork liver sausage-type products (liverwurst, etc). I can’t just buy a package with the single portions frozen separately for my convenience. And I can’t buy any other organ but liver (or bones, but I mentioned them above – not an option right now).

I’m also not quite ready to try working with tripe. I have eaten intestines before, in Asian food, for experimental purposes, and it’s something that I wouldn’t want to eat unless I were in a living situation where I was slaughtering my own meats and had the moral obligation to try to use up all of the animal. Tripe was rubbery and unpleasant, and there was just way too much of it in the particular Chinese food meal that I tried it in. It would have to be chopped or ground up into small pieces.

I would really prefer to eat some other organ meats that were actually desirable and enjoyable, like kidney. I’ve eaten kidney, again in the Chinese restaurant meals, as an experiment, and it’s very good, although it has some odd side effects, such as a blood pressure lowering effect. It contains active kidney hormones, some of which regulate blood pressure. So, you feel like you’re going to pass out.

I’m also sure I would enjoy eating brains. I eat them in whole seafood products, like whole crab, whole lobster, crayfish, etc. I have some in the freezer right now – hopefully, those fish heads still have the brains inside them, although I haven’t checked – they might have been ‘cleaned!’ But I can’t find any brain foods even in the Chinese restaurants. Brain apparently is not popular, difficult to find, hard to prepare, expensive, or something, or maybe they’re scared of mad cow disease, I don’t know. Some places eat brains traditionally, like, I remember reading that in Ohio it’s traditional to eat fried brains. I would like to try it at least once.

I have a feeling lungs are bad. When I bought the whole crab and asked the seafood lady how to eat it (I had never eaten one like that before), she described what the lungs looked like, and said they were inedible. They were very tough and stringy. But also, after my experiences with eating bone marrow and tendons, I have a feeling that lungs are also a vomit-inducing substance. Other people have said they have problems eating lungs. Scottish haggis supposedly contains lungs, and they say you can only eat that if you’re also drinking alcohol at the same time. Lungs are illegal to sell as food in the United States, and they are defined as ‘naturally inedible.’ I tried finding people online who had eaten lungs. One person said they tried eating fried lungs when they were in a foreign country, and all that they said about it was, ‘Never again!’ but they didn’t go into any detail as to why not. That sounds… ominous.

Organ meats contain hormones and substances that naturally occur in your own body, substances which *control* your body. Your body controls itself with all kinds of chemicals and hormones. If you eat those hormones, you’re getting a sudden flood of some kind of substance which is designed to control your bodily systems, and so it will do unexpected things, like induce vomiting, lower or raise blood pressure, cause your heart to race (don’t eat the adrenal glands…), and so on. All organ meats should be eaten with great caution unless you are already very familiar with them. They should be assumed to be ‘medicinal,’ to have unexpected effects, non-food-like effects, drug-like and hormone-like effects, which are naturally occuring as a result of the hormones produced in the body of the animal, regardless of the quality, regardless of whether it is grainfed or grassfed or CAFO or whatever. That is my theory.

If only we had access to pancreas, we would be able to treat diabetes, but pancreas, like all the other organs, is off limits. Same goes for thyroid. All of these glands and organs have medicinal value and ought to be available over-the-counter so that people don’t need prescriptions for expensive synthetic drugs made in a factory. But I have a feeling that somebody out there doesn’t want that to happen.

Oh well, I was about to take a nap.

Rainbow stew didn’t taste as good as it looked, but it helped me anyway

March 29, 2015


3:18 PM 3/29/2015

Yesterday I cooked again. I’m not completely over my cold yet, and I will go just a couple days without making any nice foods for myself, so that I might eat some leftovers, or just eat a sandwich that day, or junk food, or whatever. As soon as I cook something nice for myself again, all of a sudden I make more progress in getting over my cold. It will linger for all those days of not eating well, and then suddenly improve a lot the morning after I’ve cooked something nice for myself. It’s very noticeable.

There are so many other things I’d eat if they were available in my local grocery store – I only get spinach all the time because I want greens that are frozen and pre-chopped, and that’s all they have. I like frozen vegetables. I was taught a long time ago that freezing protects fruits and vegetables from losing a lot of their nutrients. In my nutrition class they taught us that frozen vegetables might sometimes be superior to the ‘fresh’ ones that are at room temperature in the produce department, because sometimes those vegetables have been kept at warmer temperatures for a long time and the vitamins have been able to decay or degrade. I’m not saying fresh vegetables are bad, but rather, I was taught that you shouldn’t underestimate the value of frozen vegetables. I like them because I might use only a handful of spinach at one time, so I don’t have to worry that all the rest of it will be wilting and spoiling in my refrigerator.

I cooked a turnip and a parsnip, just for testing purposes. I cooked them separately from all the other stuff I cooked, because if something goes wrong with them, everything is ruined. I had learned the hard way when I visited Mom and Dad last year. I bought a turnip for experimental purposes – I never cooked them before, really, maybe just once or twice – and cooked it, and it was bitter, and I mean, it was just awful, like horrible. But by the time I found that out, I had already done some stuff to it, like mixed it with other things to try to make it more interesting, and all it did was make every bite of the whole batch of stuff taste like bitter turnip. So I am careful now – cook it separately, do whatever you can to make it less bitter, and then, test it, and only if it is okay, then you can mix it with other stuff.

This turnip was not bitter at all. Maybe it just was the right age or the right size or something. I also changed the water a couple times while cooking it. I don’t mind throwing out the water, because I have decided that keeping the vitamins in the water is less important than avoiding the toxins and bitterness in the water. I used to keep all the water from all vegetables. But if I am trying to prevent something from being bitter, I will drain off the water.

I cooked a parsnip with it. The parsnip wasn’t as soft – it probably needed longer to cook – but it was edible and so I just kept it the way it was. The parsnip had a lot more flavor than the turnip.

The turnips were sliced into thin little sheets that became rectangular due to my slicing pattern, almost as though I made them rectangular deliberately to be fancy, and it reminded me of something I might see in fancy Chinese or Japanese cooking. It looked translucent, like mung bean noodles or something.

Why am I interested in root vegetables like turnips and parsnips? For several reasons.

1. Because I’m interested in finding ways to avoid grains. I’m not officially on a grain-free diet, but I’m just moving in the direction of eating fewer grains. I don’t actually notice any major symptoms from eating grains. I think I just like the idea of root vegetables more, for some reason. I imagine it would be easier to harvest them than to harvest grains, and they don’t need as much processing as grains do. I think in general root vegetables are just easier to handle than grains in many ways.

2. Because I also want to avoid potatoes. I’m moving towards a nightshade-free diet (I totally broke that diet, though, because I bought spices and sauces that contained hot peppery type spices in them). A nightshade-free diet means a potato-free diet.

If you can’t eat potatoes, and you also can’t eat grains, then you have to learn about alternative sources of starch, assuming you are still eating starch in your diet (I’m nowhere near a low-carb diet yet). Starchy root vegetables that aren’t potatoes: beets? turnips, parsnips – this is all aside from my interest in finding hopniss plants and growing them deliberately.

These are just things I find in the mainstream grocery store. I could also try alternative grains, but I’m cautious about them due to the Millet Disaster, where I ate millet for several weeks and had severe fatigue, then learned that millet has goitrogenic properties and might affect the thyroid, although there might be a right way and a wrong way to prepare it to make it safer to eat. I even broke a tooth during that time, as though it had rapid bone-destroying properties as well.

So, after making these non-bitter turnips and parsnips and finding that they were edible and good, I mixed them with all the other stuff. I wanted to get rid of some fresh herbs that I had bought experimentally to see if they helped with my cold (they didn’t help, really). I had thyme, mint, and cilantro (I just love cilantro so I just grabbed it for the heck of it). I wanted to use them before they wilted, so I chopped up the last of them all and put them into a container. This time, I made sure not to put any spices in too early, because I’ve done that before and all the flavor and smell completely vanishes, of course.

So I made chopped thyme, mint, cilantro, tons and tons and tons of organic garlic (I swear, most of the whole bulb, probably nearly the lethal dose for an adult – I feel that there is no maximum amount of garlic that you can ever put into your food), chopped fresh ginger (this qualifies as a ‘root vegetable’ too, and I guess garlic kind of does too), a huge dollop of sesame seeds (too much, by accident) because I’m using up a container that I have of them, ummm, what else? Oh, I think I also threw fennel and anise seeds in there, because I have to use them, too – I got them to see if they’re what gives me the productive cough after Indian food, but no, nothing I tried was able to reproduce that effect.

So then, I cooked the ring bologna (beef, pork, beef hearts, beef tongue – I wanted some organ meats, even though technically I can never find the ones I really want, specifically kidneys and brains – I can’t eat too much liver, because when I buy liver sausage, I have to eat it or freeze it, and if I try to eat it all before it spoils, I’m eating several big slices every day, and even just that is enough to make my hair start to fall out a little bit), and spinach, and the turnips-parsnips mix, although I had already eaten most of that just plain.

After that cooked, I threw on the spices and didn’t cook them too long, and then after I turned off the heat, I threw on the frozen fruits. I also added that thai green curry stuff, and last, I sprinkled on this Indian spice mixture, which has a bunch of different stuff in it (but I still didn’t find whatever gives me a productive cough, which I was hoping to test in the middle of the night during my evil rabid pseudopertussis cat flu – for some reason, I haven’t been hearing about a lot of other people catching the State College Cat Flu).

What’s up with putting frozen fruits on top of my savory stew thingies? Well, first off, I have no plates. I got rid of all my belongings and was homeless. Long story, been told many times before in the blog.

So, I have only two pans, a frying pan and a saucepan. I use the saucepan if anything needs to be boiled in deeper water, like boiled eggs, or the turnips. I did have paper bowls, but I’ve used them all up, and have no money at the moment. I’m allowed to use Mary Jo’s dishes, but feel uncomfortable doing that, although I might occasionally. So that is why everything always gets thrown into one pan.

If I wanted frozen fruit, I would need to thaw it out anyway, maybe in the microwave. I don’t want to put it in the fridge to let it thaw, because I don’t know in advance when I will want it. I make what I want, when I want it, following my cravings from day to day. I was very disoriented when I went to the food bank and got like an entire month’s worth of food in one huge shopping trip. It has lasted more than a month and I still have some of it left! Normally, I shop in tiny trips almost every day or every other day, and buy whatever I’m craving. I can’t plan in advance what I will want, and I don’t even feel comfortable doing something like thawing out my frozen fruits a day in advance. If I want them, I want them now. I do ‘hoard’ a little bit of some types of food, but with other stuff, it’s a spontaneous craving-based buy.

And I always sit on the floor next to the mattress when I’m eating, which is why all my food photos are on the mattress. I have no sheets. I’d like to have a plastic covering over the mattress, but, I have no money, so I am living without a lot of things I would want.

Anyway, so that’s why my frozen fruit gets thrown on top of the fried stuff. It also cools down the food so it’s no longer burning hot.

Also, I have this idea that I am questioning or rebelling against the way things are done. You don’t put sweet-sour fruits into a savory meaty meal! But I like the idea of meats with fruits. It takes a little getting used to. If I could choose exactly which frozen chopped fruits were in the mix, that would help. But it was nice, the colors of the fruits made it more rainbowy. I didn’t have anything blue in there, or purple, but I had red, orange, yellow, green, and then various shades of white.

Well, guess what. After all that, this turned out to be really bad, or else maybe, I was kind of sick at my stomach that night. For whatever reason, I sometimes felt like I was going to throw up while eating. I ate some of it this morning, and wasn’t as sick, so it might have just been a temporary stomach upset that had nothing to do with the food. It was just too bitter (I used up a ton of fresh thyme just to get rid of it, and I could really taste lots and lots of bitter thyme, which I wouldn’t normally have put in there), too many sesame seeds – every square millimeter was covered with a sesame seed, and enough is enough – I don’t measure anything unless I really have to, and so I really *poured* a *lot* of sesame seeds out of the container, vigorously, in a huge pile. And something else was wrong – I couldn’t quite decide what it was. But I had things I wouldn’t normally have in there, which was probably why it wasn’t so good.

The sauce in a jar is kind of cheating. But I view it as a sort of high quality sauce. It doesn’t have a lot of fillers or flavoring agents in it. Most of the ingredients in it are recognizable as actual foods. I’m not 100% sure, but I don’t even think it has any form of MSG or hidden MSG (yeast extract, etc) in it. It has anchovy sauce. Fish sauces are one of those miraculous traditional foods that we don’t have enough of in the United States. You ferment some kind of fish, maybe by leaving it in brine for a few months, and skim off the various liquids that come out, giving you a strong, fishy, salty stuff with nutrients and oils in it, which doesn’t require any MSG because it makes that umami flavor naturally.

I have read about shrimp pastes and fish sauces and some kind of disgusting fish sauce that the Romans used to make, and stuff like that. I want to try them, but without all the chemical additives, and ideally, from wild caught seafood, which is very unlikely. Or, it can be farmed, as long as the farm meets my criteria. I haven’t learned a lot about it so I can’t be specific. If, for instance, all you did was grow mussels on a string, and didn’t even feed them anything, and just left them sitting in the ocean to take care of themselves, and then collected them, that’s farming, but it’s a passive farming where you aren’t poisoning the food with soybean-based fish foods and hormones and stuff. That kind of farming would be okay.

Anyway, anchovy sauce is in this jar of thai green curry, along with coconut milk. The coconut milk adds fat to my food.

I wrote an extremely long blog about the meal that I cooked, when it actually wasn’t that miraculous, or maybe I was just sick at my stomach that night, and I still haven’t decided, because I had a bit of difficulty eating the leftovers. It was as though there was a food quality problem, but I could not figure out what it would be. The sauce in the jar could be the problem – I have no control over how that was made. It really ought to have been good, except for one or two mistakes/sloppiness/getting rid of wilting herbs instead of throwing them out. Oh well. It was beautiful and rainbowy to look at. It was very photogenic, just not as delicious as it looked. I don’t mind being careless, I’m learning.

If I had my own infrastructure, my own kitchen, everything set up the way I want, I’d probably go to the opposite extreme. You know what I would do, instead of mixing everything into one pan? I’d make, like, Korean style food, with a few tiny dainty bites of each little thing in a million tiny bowls that were all decorative and beautiful. Nothing mixed together at all. I can just as easily go to that opposite extreme, and I probably will in the future. I just don’t want to wash all those little bowls. 🙂 But this thing that I made would work just as well like that. Plain spinach, a bowl with some sauces and spices, plain turnips or maybe something like fermented kimchi, plain fruits. Some things raw, some things cooked, a variety of flavors and spices. Everything is beautiful. Yes, I will do it someday.

That is my food obsession for today. Some of it is still leftover, and I will go eat some of it soon.

Passively reading about meteorology, the easiest thing on earth to do

March 28, 2015

5:05 PM 3/28/2015

Yesterday ‘they’ suggested that I spend some time just enjoying myself reading educational materials online. It was supposedly to challenge my mind, but actually it was so easy and painless that I did not even feel challenged at all. I went and read a tutorial about meteorology, and it turned out that ‘they’ wanted me to read about this because the other day, I claimed that the reason why your inflammation is worse at night is because the ionosphere is farther away at nighttime, but I didn’t really understand how it worked. That now seems implausible or like it’s not the right explanation. However, the ‘circadian rhythm’ explanation doesn’t make sense to me either. Coffee withdrawal makes sense, but that can’t be the only explanation. The effect is so severe that it is well known that people who die from things like septic shock are mostly likely to die in the middle of the night, after midnight.

I still don’t have an explanation for why your illnesses are worst at night, but I enjoyed reading the meteorology tutorial. Obviously, I didn’t read the whole thing, just the beginning. It’s called ‘JetStream – An Online School for Weather.’ I loved meteorology when I was a child, and I got an A in my class in college. I loved that class so much, along with nutrition class.

Then, this turned into something of testing my socionic functions, observing how it feels to use each one. I was, I guess, using my Te function, practical logic, maybe, seeing how things worked. I was also using my sensing functions, seeing objects, mapping them in my mind, imagining where they were located in the physical world. So just passively reading this tutorial used my easiest and most comfortable functions in a way that was enjoyable and totally painless.

I’m not sure if this is really me, or if I’m being attacked when this happens. I often feel pretty sure I’m getting attacked while using my functions in a pleasant and passive way to read about something mechanical like this. I get forced urges to stop reading and go do something else.

Well, I sort of wandered into using what I think was my role function, Ni. It was uncomfortable and associated with anxiety. I felt like it was my duty to look for alternative ways of seeing things, to understand the history behind the science, and then I wandered into Wikipedia and started learning about analytic philosophy, which is where the earth sciences are, the earth sciences that I enjoy so much. I felt that I must know what other ways of seeing things there are. So I started clicking on the other categories of philosophy, such as ‘continental philosophy,’ ‘Islamic philosophy,’ and so on.

I read about hermeneutics, which I’ve heard of before. It’s not the same as the analytic method. You’re not just solving a physical problem or looking for the laws of nature. Instead, maybe you’re an archeologist, and you have to decipher the meaning behind these hieroglyphs. You have to know what the people believed back then, what was going on in their culture, how they saw things, what they meant when they said something. You have to just put yourself in their position and understand the meaning of what they said, to make the meaning as clear and true as possible.

I took two ginseng pills yesterday, temporarily reduced caffeine use, and used St. John’s Wort transdermally, so I was in a different state of mind. I am still struggling to get out of this rut. I filled out most of a job application but did not finish it. I could try again tonight to finish it.

So then they also mentioned feminist philosophy, and I remember that – basically, they say that a lot of your beliefs result from the patriarchal society you live in. And, well, there are grains of truth in that. We do respect men more than women, and if a woman tries to say the same thing a man said, people are less likely to listen to her, and if she tries to say something different from what a man would say, people are even less likely to listen to her. I didn’t actually read any of the feminist philosophy, I was just dabbling in these wikipedia categories.

I read about a ‘Procrustean Bed,’ because I was reading about ergonomics. This was definitely my Ni function. I was aware that there was just so much information in this area that I had never known and would never be able to know, and it was endless and I could not know it all. Procrustes was in a Greek myth. He used to tie people to the bed, then he either stretched them out to fit the bed, or chopped off their feet so they would fit the bed. So a Procrustean Bed means ‘one size fits all,’ and you have to be changed to fit the standard.

While reading about this, and about ergonomics, I saw something about somebody saying that people could not all be expected to work the exact same hours at the factory, and I remembered what I’m always talking about: worshipping the sacred schedule. I don’t believe everybody everywhere should be expected to go to work at 8am and work till 5pm and take a lunch at 11am or 12pm for only one hour, five days a week, Monday through Friday. That is a life-destroying schedule. That is a Procrustean bed. I will never remember the phrase ‘Procrustean bed’ for very long, but while it’s briefly in my memory, I can use that.

The reason that’s my Ni function is because it’s a metaphor that came from a story, and there was a process that some character in the story was doing, and the phrase became associated with that character and anything similar to that situation. You wouldn’t understand the meaning of it unless you had been told about the myth. The words ‘Procrustean bed’ have nothing to do with whatever is literally happening.

So while I was reading about the Procrustean bed (explained in Wikipedia), and linking from one thing to another, I was less happy and comfortable than I was when I was simply passively reading about the atmosphere, in that happy little world where everything is okay, that world where we look at faraway things and we understand how they work, but I have chronic fatigue and I can’t get out of bed every day, and I don’t know how to solve that problem without using dangerous drugs that make everything worse.

These problems are easy to solve, just float a weather balloon up there and collect the data that comes back from it. People who don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome were able to go outdoors and make these weather balloons and gather all the data so that I can just passively read about it for entertainment. I don’t have to gather the data myself. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to do anything challenging. I don’t have to use this information in a real world scenario. These are just facts, book learning, about some faraway subject that is comforting.

I stopped reading about those kinds of things, and dropped out of college, because I could not see how I was going to use this knowledge in the real world. I couldn’t see how I would be paid to know this knowledge. And now, my inner libertarian is still offended at the thought of working for the government, because it turns out that it’s the government who handles everything having to do with the
atmosphere, making this not-for-profit online tutorial which is very enjoyable and you don’t have to pay for or even sign up with your email for – nothing, just go there and read it – all at taxpayer expense, which irritates my inner libertarian (that inner libertarian is still very much there, still active, in spite of my reading some Karl Marx not long ago and actively attacking libertarianism).

And now, how can I study the atmosphere if I’m not learning about things which probably won’t be mentioned in this tutorial –
geoengineering, also known as chemtrails, and HAARP and other similar devices, ways people are manipulating the weather? Will I learn about Nikola Tesla who supposedly had some thing that he shined up into the sky and made the clouds go away?

So, as an adult, I cannot completely just relax, enjoy, and trust whatever I’m reading to tell me the *whole* truth. It’s telling me non-controversial facts that won’t upset anybody or challenge any taboos. And I do, sincerely, enjoy it. I could passively read all about the atmosphere, learn it all, remember it and understand it easily, but never learn about anything out of the ordinary. I’d never know how many extraterrestrial UFOs had been detected entering the atmosphere, or how many of those UFOs actually came from the Nazis, or about the electromagnetic system that controls people’s brains, and where that’s coming from, whether it’s from satellites or from towers on the ground or from some other source. There are things that I would really like to know, which this tutorial won’t teach me. So I cannot just completely relax and accept all of what they have to say, without wondering what else is out there that I’m not being told about, which is important to know about.

Do I have ‘permission’ to simply read and absorb this tutorial anyhow, even without knowing about what’s missing? Do I have ‘permission’ to just read and enjoy something in a passive way, without earning money from this, without making it my career, without going out there and using and applying the knowledge?

But I did learn more about the ionosphere, which was probably the goal.

But here is another thing: as soon as I study one science, I get the urge to study a hundred million others. Can I not also study chemistry, geology, biology, physics, astronomy, electrical
engineering, and everything? No matter how much I read, there is more to read. Unlike the Ni function, I feel that learning an infinite amount of science would be an enjoyable thing to do, which I would be very good at. I might not learn all the Greek myths and every metaphor that came from them, I might forget a month from now what a Procrustean bed is and might never use that metaphor again, but I will remember all the science I read and will be able to integrate it and use it later on, even decades later, as I am already doing with the things I studied in college. This is so easy, it feels like merely a little refresher.

I’ll need to confront math at some point, and I cannot do that by passively reading – I must use a pen and paper to write down the problems and do them, hundreds of them, in order to remember the process. Math is much harder, but still enjoyable. I got up to Calculus. Unfortunately, math is infinite and abstract and not necessarily applicable. You have to find out which branches of math are applicable to the subject you’re interested in. Special types of math are needed to understand electromagnetics. I would always have to do the ‘reality check’ and make sure that I really needed to know this math for something I was going to do, because you can get lost in math for eternity and wander out to infinite universes and accomplish nothing on this earth except to write more papers about math.

Can I, at the very least, just read passively through one simple mainstream tutorial about meteorology, for entertainment only? I can’t even do the assignments, because they involve going outside, or doing things with balloons – one assignment had you proving that air has weight. Chronic fatigue means that even the simplest projects are beyond me – I also don’t have a car and can’t just drive to Wal-Mart for supplies, and I also have no money, so I can’t buy anything. So I can only read the assignments but can’t do them.

But yes, this kind of thing, the fact that it exists, is the reason why it’s so easy to homeschool your children without even so much as getting up and going to the library. But this is ‘book learning,’ not practical knowledge. Applying this knowledge is something else entirely.

A movie called ‘Immunity’ (or something) with little people running around inside the immune system

March 27, 2015

12:02 PM 3/27/2015

I am actually much better today and was better last night, although that might have to do with the caffeine I had before bedtime.

I was imagining a movie called ‘Immunity’ (or, maybe it would have some other name). What led to my thinking about this was actually not my illness. I went to one of the personality type forums a few times in the past few days, and I saw a discussion of a phenomenon called ‘the j/p switch.’

It’s something technical and I won’t get into it here, but suffice it to say, it’s a big MISTAKE that was created by one or a few authors in the past, and it totally ruins both the system of socionics and the system of the Myers-Briggs. It’s a way of figuring out someone’s type, which will give you the wrong answer, to make a long story short. And it’s not just a slightly wrongish answer, it’s actually the worst possible wrong answer you could get, so that if you tried to use socionics, you’d be told to marry your conflictor! This one mistake has caused endless chaos. If someone set out deliberately to totally ruin both systems, this would be the most strategic thing to do, with the greatest impact.

So I was imagining how exactly I would go about the process of destroying this ‘information virus’ which lures in so many people who learn about personality types. I was imagining that I wanted to just burn all the books that mentioned this so that no one new would ever learn this mistake again. I would have to go teach millions of people to stop using this method.

And that was what led to the ‘immunity’ movie. I’m fighting this disease at the same time, although I do feel quite a bit better today, just no energy yet. I was imagining a live action movie with real people running around inside a body. I’d have to do a lot of medical research to make it accurate.

These little tiny people are employees inside your cells. They receive shipments of things in the cells, like shipments of vitamins. They can receive inferior quality synthetic vitamins, or they can receive natural, whole, multivitamin complexes from whole foods. They have to build things inside the cells with these shipments.

But one day, some strange virus-shaped shipping containers arrive and have new instructions for what the cells are to build. The virus instructions say to override all other instructions and build only this, right away. But they don’t say where to ship it to or who needs it, and so the viruses they build just pile up inside the cells.

Soon, people are building nothing but viruses. They use up all their vitamin and mineral shipments. And the person isn’t eating very well, or is using drugs or caffeine or something (the movie would
demonstrate how this affects your body), and so even when they desperately needed a shipment of calcium, they weren’t getting any, and they hadn’t had a good shipment of vitamin A in months.

They have to obey the instructions given to them about what to build and what to do. They get instructions from other sources, such as hormones (I’d research this to see what exactly happens).

I was picturing these little people all inside this world. The only thing that I wouldn’t like about it is, the environment would all be dark, and I don’t like dark movies, I like them to have sunlight. Maybe we’d go up to the skin level occasionally and demonstrate what happens when you go out in the sun and produce vitamin D, and that would give us an excuse to film some parts of the movie in sunny places.

The rivers of blood and lymph transport all the shipments around.

And the hero of the movie, I pictured her as a female (because I just want to see more female heroes and because I myself am sick and I’m the one running around trying to solve the mystery of my own illness), is running around all over the entire body because she’s received this information that something is wrong. The top level commanders of the immune system, whoever and whatever they are (research needed) have informed her that something is being built which we are not supposed to be building, and no one knows what it is, and they aren’t even aware that they are doing anything unusual by building this virus. They just build whatever they are told to build. Somehow, the immune system found out this is a foreign object. So the heroine is running around talking to all the administrators in the cells, asking them about what they are building, what supplies they need that they don’t have, where did these instructions come from, and so on.

All the different parts of the body, all the different organs and tissues, could be a landscape. I was thinking of how to get in a bright sunny area on the skin, and I pictured people walking around on the surface of the skin picking up garbage or something. It doesn’t all have to be literally true, it just has to at least vaguely represent something the immune system and the body are doing.

So, immunity is about solving a mystery. First, somebody has to realize that something is wrong. How exactly does the body realize that something is wrong? Then, the cells individually have to protect themselves against this virus, and they also will get antibodies to help them. All the workers inside the cells have to be taught to stop following the fake viral instructions, forget about them, and build good things instead of bad things, so they all have to be retrained and taught to recognize the viral instructions and told to ignore them if they find them. This won’t be easy, because the workers have to build millions of different products in the cells.

It will all look like a factory and a complicated landscape, with pipes, rivers, some of it natural and some of it mechanical. How it was done would depend on the budget. It could be low budget and still be very beautiful, and it would be understood as symbolic if we made it clear that we’re just pretending this sidewalk, or this little creek, is a bloodstream, and this package I’m carrying is a shipment of vitamins and minerals, proteins, fats, carbohydrates, and so on.

The mystery is solved in the end, and the person fights off the virus. Some kind of moral lesson could be learned, such as ‘take
responsibility for the work you do’ or something like that.

Oh yeah, I pictured an accidental autoimmune attack, where the body wrongly attacks itself. The heroine accidentally fires a bunch of cell employees who were innocent, because she suspects them of being viruses or evil servants of the virus or something. It turns out they’re innocent, and she has to go hunt them down and hire them back and ask them to forgive her.

So a lot could be made out of this. If I did research I would get more and more ideas. I would have to follow the plotline, the process, of how exactly the body finds out that it’s sick, and the series of steps it follows to get better. It would not all have to be word-for-word literal, it could deviate and be vague or symbolic in places. I wouldn’t want to say things that were outright false. It’s just going to be so complicated and so detailed that we wouldn’t be able to squash it all into a movie, and so some parts would have to be referred to in a general way without the details.

Last night, I drank a water snake, and it was horrible. I’m better today.

March 26, 2015


1:58 PM 3/26/2015

Yesterday evening I went downstairs and cooked something which turned out to be really good, in spite of it being the worst case scenario of how you are NOT supposed to cook food. This blog starts off sounding bad for a while, but actually I am doing well, so it gets better near the end.

I was lying in bed, too sick to move, and somebody was attacking me, making me feel like I was going to throw up, making the bubbles in my stomach move around and gurgle when they had no reason to, and it was disgusting because I was swallowing mucus. Then somebody ‘pushed the button’ to force me to get out of bed and go downstairs and make something. This was one of the times when the attackers refer to their own behavior as ‘tough love.’ However, some of what they were doing was unnecessary – there was no reason to sit there making my stomach bubbles gurgle. That was not needed in order to motivate me to go cook.

These electronic weapon users can’t just come to my house and do me the favor of cooking something for me, no, they have to be abusive about it. When I was sure I had rabies and was sure I was going to die, I talked to the voices in my head and very forcefully suggested that they ought to visit me in person, and I would forgive them before I died. I also told them that if they knew of a rabies cure, they ought to bring it to me, and drop it off someplace where I could pick it up, since they were the reason I had rabies in the first place.

But then I thought that was a bad idea, because if they had decided to kill me anyway, which, I thought, they had decided to kill me because I was planning to leave this area and they didn’t want to let me leave – so, if they were planning to kill me, maybe I shouldn’t let them drop off the rabies cure and let me pick it up in the middle of the night, because that could be a trick to lure me someplace and then kidnap me or kill me.

I had been imagining they should drop the rabies cure in the dumpster behind Goodwill and I would go get it out of the dumpster. That was probably because I had already been thinking I wanted to go see if I could find anything in the dumpster there in the middle of the night anyway, but what I really need is the bags of clothing being sent to the fabric recycler, and those are all locked in the big truck thing. Whenever they can’t sell the clothes after a few weeks, they recycle all the fabric, but those clothes would be usable for someone like me, who has no money at all and would be willing to wear something ghastly and ugly, or wear a t-shirt inside out because of the annoying slogan printed on it.

Anyway, the voices in my head claim that the reason they won’t let me see them in person is because they themselves are the type of person I find unattractive. But what difference does that make? They’re not spending any time with me anyway. It won’t change anything. Attacking someone from a distance, and actually being in a relationship with them, are two different things.

So anyway, I did try to tell them that they should get over their fear, whatever it is, and apologize to me in person before I died, but they refused. And now, in the daytime, at 2:30 in the afternoon, it seems like nothing is wrong and I’m not going to die.

I’ve been looking at a forum where people talk about the people stalking them and attacking them. I think many of those people have a different personality type than I do. They are being attacked differently, and have a different sort of reaction to their attackers, and a different relation with their attackers, than I do. They express their suffering very differently than I do. They constantly rage at their attackers, threaten to kill them, and so on.

I, on the other hand, have something which I might, very reluctantly, call a semi-benign relationship with the attackers. It’s kind of like the way that the inmates at Guantanamo are ‘friends’ with the guards who are keeping them in there. We’re not really friends, and none of us should be in this situation, and I don’t want to condone this behavior, but even so, there is a semi-benign relationship with at least a few individuals in particular. Some of the time, at least, I can see that they are trying to ‘help’ me in some way (like forcing me to go downstairs and cook something), even though I do not approve of the methods they are using, or the entire context in which we are having a ‘relationship’ (through the medium of electronic weapons, mind control, voices in the head, beliefs which are being programmed into me, and so on).

So I went downstairs and cooked. I was dead exhausted. I could barely drag myself out of the bed. I very slowly, painfully picked up the pots and pans and tools I would need, and then I chopped some garlic while sitting on the floor at the edge of my bed. I like to sit on the floor. I’m like an Inuit. Or a Japanese person, or any of these other cultures where they sit on the floor and eat.

Eventually I went downstairs and threw everything into just one frying pan, because that was the easiest thing to do with the amount of physical energy I had. It was: tons of chopped garlic, fennel seeds and anise seeds (I got them recently after reading that they helped with colds, but they did nothing for me whatsoever, and I don’t know which ingredient in Indian food gives me a productive cough after I’ve eaten), sesame seeds, ring bologna (contains beef, pork, beef tongue, beef heart, and a bunch of toxic chemicals), mussels, spinach (I would actually like to eat a wider variety of greens, but I get them frozen and pre-chopped, and spinach is the only one available), and mushrooms.

And then, after that all cooked in some water that I added, I also added a big glop of Thai green curry sauce, which contained coconut milk and anchovy sauce along with Thai herbs, and then I added the chopped frozen fruit (pineapple, mango, strawberries, peaches), hoping it would merely melt, but unfortunately it got really hot. I had turned off the heat but should have waited longer before melting the fruit. It was okay though.

This was all mixed together in a frying pan. It turned out to be really good. The essential thing that made it good was the Thai curry sauce. You wouldn’t even know it was in there, because it thinned down with the water and made a sort of broth, but it was a delicious broth. I called it ‘Jumble Stew.’

I ate it, and I was so sick that I could not eat, and I thought I was going to throw up. The food was extremely hot. I hadn’t eaten anything good in many days. I sat there on the floor with the pan on the edge of the bed – the mattress is on the floor – and just nibbled one tiny bite of food at a time, hoping I would not throw up. As it cooled down, it became easier to eat, and I started eating more and more of it as though I was actually enjoying this monstrosity of horrible cooking (I broke just about every cooking rule there is). And I did actually enjoy it, and I didn’t throw up.

So I put the leftovers away, and I will eat them today.

I started feeling stronger even while I was still eating. If I don’t eat good food for days, then I really notice a difference when I finally do eat good food.

I was watching a movie last night, but couldn’t decide on a good movie to watch, because I was feeling what can only be described as ‘a feeling of malaise.’ I just had this feeling that something was wrong, that I was uncomfortable in some way, something was disturbing, and I couldn’t distract myself with a movie. But I found a good movie anyway, called ‘Song of the Sea.’ It was a beautiful cartoon. I wanted to watch a beautiful movie that wouldn’t make my feeling of malaise any worse. I could not completely ease the feeling, but at least I could avoid watching something horrible. When I am sick, I have to watch a happy movie. ‘Song of the Sea’ was not really a happy movie, but it was a beautiful sad movie, and it did not make me any sicker.

I went to bed, still blowing my nose, still feeling my sore throat, still suffering this horrible cold, whatever it is. And then, in the middle of the night, something was terribly wrong, which has been happening a lot with this illness. In the day, I am fine, but in the night, I feel like I am going to die. I had been sure that I just have a cold, not rabies, but in the middle of the night last night again, I was sure it was rabies and I was going to die. I can sometimes feel something that affects my brain. I can feel it in my head. Something is going wrong with my brain. It doesn’t seem like the usual sort of electronic weapon attack. It seems different from that. It seems like a real illness. It’s possible to get encephalitis from many other diseases, not just rabies.

I was lying there and kept feeling like I had to cough. My tonsils were itching, with that tiny sharp little itch that forces me to cough. Again, that can be done with electronic weapons, and maybe that’s what they’re doing, and they’d be doing that because I have an unpaid USAA bill for my non-owner’s car insurance – they are stupid when it comes to freaking out over unpaid bills that aren’t worth worrying about. There’s just nothing I can do about that bill – I have no money. If it really matters to them, then they should be forcing me to get a job, or forcing me to find a way to get cash assistance, instead of forcing me to feel like I’m going to vomit in the middle of the night.

So I am not 100% certain that this tonsil-itching attack is being caused totally by my illness, or whether the electronic weapons are triggering it, but it *feels like* it’s only the illness. It’s just that I know from past experience there have been times when the attackers were bothering me because I had an unpaid bill, and this happens to be one of those times, so it might possibly be them.

I can’t actually tell for sure how much of my weird experiences are totally caused by my illness, or if any of them are attacks. In the past, they had a certain way of doing things which was recognizable, but maybe nowadays, maybe they’re using newer, higher-tech weapons that are less easily recognized as ‘fake.’ Maybe they have new methods of attacking where I can no longer distinguish the attacks from my own internal experiences.

Usually, in the past, they would ‘announce themselves’ and brag about it, the very opposite of being sneaky – they would do things to make sure I knew I was being attacked, to make sure there was no confusion whatsoever. They always wanted me to know that a person was doing this to me, and not just a random accident of nature. So it would be unusual for them to attack me without proudly announcing themselves and shouting, ‘THIS IS AN ATTACK! HI! I’M HERE!!!!’

So I had been feeling great for a few hours, stronger, less sick, and my throat wasn’t even hurting – I’d had a cup of coffee just before bedtime, and coffee is a painkiller. Coffee was probably the reason why I felt no pain for a long time last night. Late in the night, the pain came back. My throat was hurting, mucus was being produced profusely, I started coughing it up, whimpering, crying, trying not to gag, wanting to cough but not wanting to vomit. I started restlessly tossing and turning, unable to get in a good position. Then I had a bowel movement in the middle of the night, which is also unusual, and I felt like it would trigger vomiting, but it didn’t.

So then I laid in bed longer, still feeling like I would vomit, and I also had the strange encephalitis feeling – once again, I can’t be 100% certain it’s an illness and not an attack. It did not feel the same as the previous radio frequency attacks that caused vomiting and weird sensations in my head. It was different.

I remember I ate a little bit of garlic, and drank it with a sip of water. I started to feel like I was having a heart attack, which had also happened not too long ago – I have a theory that heart attacks are often caused by some kind of contagious illness. I had had a pseudo-heart attack just a week or so ago, in the nighttime again. It was not severe, and I did not feel like I had to go to the emergency room. I started checking my pulse, and it went up to maybe 94 or 96 or something – I was just below tachycardia. That had also happened the last time when I had a heart attack/near-vomiting incident, with my heart speeding up, and an adrenaline rush that always comes before vomiting for real. My whole body was gearing up to vomit.

I kept the bathroom light on for a while. And I laid there, and I don’t really remember exactly what happened, but I didn’t vomit. I had a little container next to my bed in case it happened suddenly.

But the scariest thing happened when I tried to drink water. I had a few tiny sips of water with garlic at some point, but at some point later on, I tried to drink a few big gulps of water. It’s always dry in here because I have a heater on in the room, so I get dehydrated, and I’m still drinking coffee too.

I drank the water, and the weirdest thing happened, which convinced me once again that I had rabies and I was going to die. I swallowed a few big gulps of water. When the water went down my throat, I had this awareness of the water as a three dimensional ‘snake’ going down my throat. The outermost layer of the snake was touching the inside of my throat, and it was as though the throat was paralyzed and was refusing to swallow the water, so the throat did nothing to push the outer skin of the snake along.

But the inner core of the snake was moving independently, sliding inside the snake of water, and it slid down to my stomach even without being pushed. It was as though my body didn’t want the water, but the water went down anyway, against my body’s wishes. The inner core of the water snake was about a centimeter in diameter, it seemed. Maybe that really was an electronic attack, because I had just watched my own youtube videos about water snakes. I don’t know. Now that I am using the phrase ‘water snake,’ it seems like too much of a coincidence to have been just a coincidence.

I have actually had other mind-control experiences where they made me have some kind of weird, uncomfortable, kinesthetic sensation of some indescribable, nonverbal, three-dimensional thing, in such a way that it was unpleasant and disturbing. One time, just once, they put me into someone else’s body and I was seeing out that person’s eyes and living a different life somewhere else, and the sensation was extremely disturbing, unpleasant, and uncomfortable, and nonverbal. This only lasted for a few seconds and then they stopped it. So it’s possible that the ‘water snake’ awareness might have been an electronic attack.

After I drank the three-dimensional multilayered water snake, I then could not stop thinking about having drunk the water. I was helplessly obsessed with this water for several minutes, nonstop, no matter how hard I tried to stop thinking about it. I just could not forget this disgusting and terrifying experience of having swallowed that water, and the traumatized, obsessive feeling just went on and on and on, for many minutes. I started thinking I had rabies and I was entering the ‘hydrophobic’ stage of rabies, where the mere thought of drinking water causes involuntary throat spasms. This was when my heart rate was near tachycardia and my body was preparing to vomit.

I began gently tapping myself with the EFT tapping, while lying in bed. That was the best way I could think of to de-traumatize myself. This technique really is very helpful to know. It is not as miraculous as they claim it is on many websites, and there are many things that interfere with its use (electronic attacks, and drugs in your body), but even so, it is soothing at the very least, and better than doing nothing at all.

I went on and on and on, being totally unable to forget about the water, about the jug sitting there on the floor, which I kept looking at in the dim light, about the sensation it left in my throat, about water, water, water, water, and I tried deliberately to think about a hippopotamus, because you know how they say, if someone tells you not to think about a hippopotamus, then you can’t stop thinking about a hippopotamus? So I tried to think about a hippopotamus on purpose. I made it a pink hippopotamus, because people supposedly hallucinate pink elephants. (That just reminded me of the scene in ‘The Giver’ where they have a stuffed toy elephant, and they accidentally call it a hippopotamus because they’ve never seen either one.)

So I started singing a song about a hippopotamus, quietly in my throat, not out loud. I don’t remember the words of the song. It was a forced, obsessive singing, just to stifle the sensation of needing to vomit. ‘I’m singing about a hippopotamus, la la la,’ that kind of thing. I remembered that rabies victims will sometimes spend hours talking nonstop, because there is something wrong with their throat, and they are talking to ease the discomfort. I do that when I’m on drugs, too.

But I still could not forget about the existence of water and about having drunk the water snake.

I waited, minutes and minutes. I counted my pulse over and over again. 94….. 92….. 89…. 85….. I started feeling less like I was going to vomit, and I started feeling less obsessed with the memory of water.

I don’t remember anything else, and I went to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling good and strong. The nutritious food had been absorbed. I wasn’t quite ready to jump out of bed energetically, I just felt as though something in me had been strengthened. At the same time, some other part of me felt weaker, and I felt like I had ‘taken a turn for the worse,’ but I can’t explain how some of me felt stronger, and some of me felt weaker, at the same time.

I really am going through some kind of major illness. This is no ordinary cold. I don’t know how long it will last. I don’t know if it really is whooping cough like the voices in my head said it was. (From what I’ve read, people who are vaccinated against whooping cough can still get it, but, supposedly, they will have a milder attack of it, without the horrible coughing). I really am fighting against something very malicious, very sinister, inside my body, and I don’t know what it is. The good food *definitely* helped a LOT. But I’m not expecting this illness to just suddenly vanish right now the way a normal cold would have done. I don’t know, I might have it for WEEKS. It is something extremely nasty and extremely evil, although, hopefully, not as evil as rabies.

So, here it is, 3:30 in the afternoon, and nothing scary is going on. As always, in the daytime, I feel almost like it was all just a bad dream. But during the night, the evil comes back.

Why? Well, I have read some things about the circadian rhythm. I know that the ionosphere retreats during the nighttime. The ionosphere is a bunch of electrically charged stuff up in the sky, but it’s only there when the sun is shining on the atmosphere, so at night, it gets weaker and weaker.

Your body responds to what the ionosphere is doing. That’s one explanation for why people have different degrees of sickness and inflammation at different times of day. You really do feel different during the night. It’s objectively true, and there are people out there who are making up theories as to why it happens. The nighttime really is different from the daytime. If you only google search for ‘circadian rhythms and ionosphere’ you can probably find out about some of that. I haven’t read about it in a while.

But it’s almost mystical, like a scary movie. In the night, the demons return. It reminds me actually of a video game that Jesse’s brother Wesley was playing. This looked like the ultimate video game from hell. If I got that game, I would do nothing but play video games for the rest of my life, and I would do nothing else. It was called….. terra-something? It was kind of like minecraft, except I’ve never played minecraft so I don’t know. Terra-something. Terraforming or something.

You’re able to build yourself a house, to protect against the monsters who wake up at nighttime. But if you never venture out in the night, you also can’t get some of the most valuable treasures, like falling stars. You can also dig holes deep in the ground. You chop down trees to get wood for building. Oh, it looked like the greatest game! I should google it to try to find the name. Terraria! That’s it! It looks awesome.

Anyway, that’s what happened in the night last night. I was visited by evil demons, and I drank a water snake. I am fighting the evil disease.

I need to obtain a camera tripod made of three sticks duct-taped together

March 25, 2015

3:31 PM 3/25/2015

The effects of SJW linger. I was still willing to make videos this morning. I just made a couple of junky ones. I need a better setup. I need a tripod for the camera. But I am so exhausted, I cannot even so much as go out into the backyard and collect three sticks and tie them together with duct tape for a tripod. I could do that for free. I have no money. But I am so, so, sooooo exhausted. And it’s raining today.

I want to get over this goddamn cold. This animal-transmitted inhalation pseudopertussis! I’m not really coughing at all, I just have endless mucus, and I am dead exhausted, and I don’t really have a great appetite. I’m not eating enough. I have a sore throat. I cannot motivate myself either with, or without, St. John’s Wort, although the SJW enables me to do non-profitable activities such as making a vlog, but I am so tired that all I can do is videotape myself talking in front of the camera, instead of actually showing external objects, or having a plot, or caring about what my listeners are interested in.

I am thinking of how the socionic functions manifest themselves in the making of videos. I am -Si. I can sit there and talk about ‘what I usually do,’ ‘what I have been doing in general.’

I encountered a PewDiePie video while I was uploading my own. PewDiePie was mentioned in a Delta Quadra facebook forum, and they thought he might be IEE, but everybody found him annoying and didn’t want him in our quadra. I started thinking, maybe he’s just annoying because he’s on so many drugs – he drinks alcohol and energy drinks while making the videos. I thought he even might be an LSE.

This morning, ‘they,’ the voices in my head, retyped him SEE. His facial expressions have a way of looking that is like an SEE. His eyebrows are not expressing a lot of emotion all the time. He is looking at external objects in the video games, and showing those external objects to the camera. That is +Se, his first function. He talks about his ‘bros,’ brothers, the people who like his videos, which is -Fi, long distance general relationships.

However, I use Bukalov’s Model B without understanding it, because there are no English translations. I wonder about the ‘other half’ of each information element. What it says is “+Se/-Si” as the first function of the SEE, just as it says, for me, that my first function is “-Si/+Se” (*typo! I originally wrote +Se/+Se, which would be very confusing*). I still don’t understand what that means. Does that mean that I am capable of using +Se just as strongly, as my base function? I do actually strongly relate to the description of what +Se is, as opposed to the description of what -Se is. +Se is about fighting battles locally, individual fights with people, defending yourself locally, defense rather than offense, non-lethal defense as opposed to the total destruction of the enemy – -Se is described as totally destroying large groups of people, like, it gave me an impression of genocide. People who have -Se in their verbal ring, regardless of whether it is a strong function or not, will tend to talk about ‘killing it,’ whatever it is. They may talk about it in a weak way or a strong way, but regardless, they speak of things in terms of killing something totally.

Oh – I’m not thinking clearly this morning. I cannot do socionics. I myself also talk of killing something completely, but only for the purpose of preventing it from feeling pain – if I kill an insect that’s inside the house, I completely and totally squash it into the tiniest possible fragments so that it doesn’t sit there half-dead and squiggling. I make sure that it absolutely can’t feel a thing.

I need to understand Bukalov’s Model B because it explains the messed-up intertype relation problems. I am never attracted to ESIs and SEEs, but I have an attraction to LIEs and ILIs, which I’m not supposed to like, according to the classic model. I interpret Model B to mean that the LIEs and ILIs have +Ni/-Ne, which is my dualizing function except in ‘reverse’ somehow, which I still don’t understand, since I can’t read any English translations to explain in detail why they have two elements in each box. It’s so frustrating. I want to understand Model B. The same applies to people in the Alpha Quadra. I have an attraction to SEIs and ESEs, but not so much to ILEs and LIIs. I can talk *verbally* to ILEs and LIIs, but my emotional attraction is triggered by SEIs and ESEs. Again, Model B, my interpretation of it, explains this.

I’m too tired, too sick, and too cognitively impaired to think about anything clearly at all. I was just about to take a nap, but wrote this blog first. I’m too tired to even post a link to the videos I made. They are nothing in particular, just junk of me talking in front of the camera with nothing going on at all. I need a tripod, even one made of sticks duct-taped together for free. I also need a decent camera that doesn’t get full after only 7:35 minutes or whatever, and doesn’t have all the other problems that crappy camera has.

Anyway, Model B applied to PewDiePie, because he seems to be using Fe. He is using Fe, because that is the second half of his creative function, -Fi/+Fe. So, he uses +Fe all the time, as he reacts to his video games and talks in the videos. That’s why some of us were thinking he was an EIE. Model B has two elements in each box. He doesn’t always use Fi and nothing but Fi, he also uses Fe, and also Si, it’s just got the plus and minus signs.

I don’t know why this exhaustion just suddenly came up a while ago. It just hit me all at once and I felt like I absolutely had to take a nap right now.

another video, just me talking about the rabies scare and me having a cold, etc

March 24, 2015

I’m using St. John’s Wort today, which inevitably leads to the making of videos and the taking of pictures.

That video won’t be fully uploaded yet, as of 4:42 pm. It might be ready in, like, 20 minutes or so. I’m just posting this blog right now because I’m about to go take a walk outside.

*Edit: Wrong! I made the video the wrong size.  I’m uploading it again right now.  It will be a few minutes…

It could have been the goji berries too

March 24, 2015

I just found out they’re in the same family as tomatoes and tobacco. I remember now. Years ago I found out that they were in the tobacco family, and I had a mental rule saying not to eat them, because that was during the time when I was decontaminating from ephedra and tobacco. I remember I even touched a bag of goji berries in the grocery store, and felt a mild reaction through my skin from handling the bag.

If they are in the same family as tobacco, they too could be hallucinogenic. Now I’m even more confused which one caused my symptoms. The goji berry chocolates seemed addictive. I was very eager to eat more of them this morning. I did eat a big handful of them. Fortunately, the bag will be empty soon, and I will go into withdrawal, and I will become aware, ‘I am having an intense craving for goji berries.’ That is the moment when I will have to refuse to satisfy the craving.

I was just reading about goji berries and it said there had been incidents of anaphylaxis. I had a weird breathing incident last night, but it was when I was trying to sleep. It wouldn’t be so bad if I were awake. If I’m awake, then it doesn’t matter so much what happens to my breathing, because I can control it, but if I fall asleep and have apnea or anything, I can’t do anything about it while I’m asleep. I was starting to have apnea during this moment of hallucinations and the sinus decongestion sensation (which could be from nicotine too, not just ephedrine or pseudoephedrine), and there was a moment when I breathed in, and my breath sort of caught in my throat, because I hadn’t breathed for a minute, I stopped breathing (apnea).

Now that I’ve eaten the goji berry chocolates, my lips are tingling in a way that is not unpleasant, like a minty feeling, menthol. I can definitely see these berries as something in the tobacco family. Even now, while I am anxious that perhaps they gave me a breathing problem in the night, I’m desiring to eat the rest of the little bag of chocolates right now (although thankfully, as I said above, it’s a small bag and I won’t buy any more, I’ll just wait it out and suffer the withdrawal).

I can’t remember exactly what I read about goji berries years ago that put them on my ‘off limits’ list. I might have actually read that they do contain nicotine.

But that doesn’t make it okay to eat aloe vera. That’s still down in the refrigerator. I don’t know. Once the goji berries are gone, I could test just one tiny sip of the aloe vera and see what kind of weird things it does to me. It will be a much smaller sip, and only one sip. I just don’t want to wrongly blame the aloe vera for the hallucinogenic effects and decongestant effects if it was actually the goji berries.

Something contained pseudoephedrine and was hallucinogenic

March 24, 2015

I never tried goji berries before, and I also never tried aloe vera before, and I tried both of them yesterday. I also just ate some more of the chocoloate covered goji berries this morning, because I had a feeling it wasn’t them, although I could be wrong.

In the middle of the night I had a decongestant effect – my sinuses dried out – just like they did when I was exposed to ephedra. I figured it was the aloe vera. Aloe vera grows in the desert, just like ephedra. It would more likely be very poisonous to protect itself against animals trying to eat it in the desert. Fortunately, it only seemed like pseudoephedrine, not ephedrine, and it didn’t affect my heart too much, but I’m lucky, I only drank about three small sips of the juice. Still, even pseudoephedrine affects the heart, and I could feel it.

Then after I noticed that effect, which went on for many minutes, and I became awake and sleepless – it also causes insomnia, although again, not as badly with pseudoephedrine – I was looking into the darkness, into the dim light, and the floor started moving upwards, sort of wavering. Great. Then, there were these dim lights shining on the wall, making little spots of light on the wall, and all of a sudden, those spots of light seemed like they were moving, or like they were just about to move in a moment. They also sort of formed a recognizable object, a shape or pattern of lights, something scary, like a scary face.

That was when I decided it was time to turn on the light. I turned on the overhead light, but it has these ghastly horrific compact fluorescent bulbs, which radiate an evil light that destroys all that is good and holy within a three block radius. I hate those bulbs. So I turned that off, and turned on the bathroom light instead. There is a curtain hanging between me and the bathroom, so that light wasn’t so bad. I didn’t choose those compact fluorescent bulbs. They were here when I got here, and I didn’t replace them, although I wanted to and had planned to at one point, when I had money to buy such things as light bulbs. Now I have no money, so I certainly will not make it a priority to replace those bulbs.

I’m not 100% certain it was the aloe vera, and not the goji berries. I just had more of the chocolate goji berries this morning. They were good. I had reason to suspect the aloe vera. Something, somewhere, long ago, told me that aloe vera was bad, but I had no conscious memory of exactly what it was that I had read about it. It just looks like an evil plant. It’s got these thick, fleshy leaves with spines all down the sides. It grows in the desert, if I understand correctly, and I should google that to make sure. But, almost everything that grows in the desert is evil. Ephedra grows in the desert too. Things that grow in the desert have to go to great extremes to protect themselves against being eaten by animals who need food and water. Things in the desert can’t grow back as easily if they do get eaten. So their defenses are ruthless, vicious, overkill. One bite, and you’re dead, forever, no forgiveness.

I just somehow knew that eating aloe vera was bad, but I had no conscious memory of what specifically I had read about it. I’m trying to find it this morning on google, but I don’t know if I have the energy to look for it. I’m really exhausted. My throat hurt even more this morning, like strep throat. I sneezed and then I was like ‘aaaahhhh!!!!’

I really, really hope the goji berries weren’t the cause of the problem. I feel like I actually want to eat some more of the chocolates out of the bag. That’s why you shouldn’t try too many new and unfamiliar foods at once, because then you can’t troubleshoot which one is causing your symptoms. When I eat the goji berries, I do have the faintest little hint of a sort of ‘menthol’ feeling, a fresh sparkle in my mouth like I’m eating mint – there’s a whole lot of stuff in those chocolates, too, not just goji berries – they have other juices mixed in – so I don’t know what’s causing it.

It just seems like my instincts know which food is the bad one, instincts and experience and a little bit of conscious knowledge. I like to brag about how awesome my ‘instincts’ are, but they’re not infallible and not all-knowing. So these goji berries I’m eating now will probably give me the decongestant-hallucinogen effect that I attributed to the aloe vera, later on. That would be annoying. I have absolutely no hint that anything is wrong with the goji chocolates when I’m eating them. The aloe vera, on the other hand, was obviously inedible, and it began irritating all of my mouth and throat the moment I started swallowing it.

I never used aloe vera as a skin lotion, either. I never was a big fan of lotions. I used lotions on very rare occasions, a long time ago, but almost never. I learned how to avoid the types of soap that dried out my skin, such as antibacterial soaps. But when I was reading about aloe vera yesterday, they said people will put it on open wounds, hoping to heal them, but they found out that actually, aloe vera makes wounds take LONGER to heal! It’s a VERY irritating substance. Based on how evil it seemed to me yesterday, I wouldn’t be surprised if I found out that aloe vera CAUSES more skin irritation, thereby leading you to believe you must buy more bottles of lotion and put them on. That sounds like the kind of thing a lotion manufacturer would do!

Nope on the aloe vera juice

March 23, 2015

I tried only a few small sips, then I encountered a piece of pulp. There’s actually a lot of pulp lower down in the can. I’m not going to eat that. I played with the little piece of it that came up to the top of the can, and when I touched it and pulled my finger away, a long mucus-like string was attached to it. After the little string disconnected and attached to my finger, my finger had a feeling of something astringent and dry and with lots of friction when I rubbed it. That’s the latex. Now, my throat feels irritated after only those few sips. Aloe vera juice is too hardcore for me. There might be a right way and a wrong way to prepare this plant to make it edible, and for me personally, this is the wrong way. It might even make me throw up, which would be very annoying and disappointing after I enjoyed that salad so much.

I also had problems when I tried to eat a cactus pear. It’s a pink fruit that comes off the leaf of a cactus. You have to de-spine it to make it edible, but that’s already done for you when you buy it. Even so, when I ate it, it felt as though there were microscopic spines on the inside everywhere throughout it. I had the same feeling one time when I decided to eat the hard core of a pineapple. The pineapple core made me feel like I had eaten something hot and spicy, except it wasn’t like a hot pepper, it was more like microscopic tiny needles everywhere. The cactus pear felt like that.

You know, I am really not happy about this aloe vera juice. I’m going to be VERY ANNOYED if I throw up. I’ll put the rest of it in the fridge and I might get the courage to try again later, but I have the feeling that aloe vera juice is going to be one of those things that I don’t eat unless I have just crossed the desert, I am starving and dying of thirst, there is nothing else to eat, and I will die if I don’t drink it.

Some weird foods I bought

March 23, 2015


I haven’t actually cooked the fish heads yet. I have them in the freezer right now because I was just so sick I could not even muster up the energy to go and cook them. OMG! I cannot use this wordpress page! I’m trying to type directly into the editor and it is absolutely unusable! Like, worse than any previous version! Part of the text area is invisible underneath another layer at the bottom of the screen, so I cannot even see what I am writing! The only way to get it into a position where I can see what I am writing is if I hit ‘enter’ a bunch of times, then scroll back up through the empty space. It’s insane. I hate people. I hate web page designers. I hate society.

I bought some more weird foods today. I got candy – chocolate with goji berries and raspberries in them, just mushed up, not an actual berry. I got weird jelly. Mary Jo will never try to claim THIS jelly! Last time I had jelly, she accidentally thought it was hers, and ate the rest of it, leaving only a tiny bit in the jar mixed with water. She recently claimed my olives, too, and drained all the water out of them and put them on her shelf after she cleaned out the fridge. But she will never mistake this bizarre monk-made hot pepper jelly for something she herself would buy. If she does, woe betide her! I haven’t tasted it yet. I like the idea of monks in a monastery making weird jellies and selling them. There is something awesome about that.

I also had some thai green curry sauce, which isn’t in the picture. I put some of it into the salad, along with the caesar dressing that was included. The thai sauce contains coconut milk and anchovy sauce, along with a lot of exotic thai spices like lemongrass and galangal, which I love. Kaffir lime leaves are especially recognizable. I absolutely wolfed down the salad. I don’t usually buy salads or lettuce. I would prefer to grow lettuce myself. Last summer I also learned how to identify lambs’ quarters, so I walked outside and picked those leaves fresh whenever I wanted them. They were delicious.

I got some aloe vera juice, but actually, I’m scared to drink it and I haven’t tried it yet. I always knew aloe vera was a lotion you put on your skin, and I had vaguely heard that you could drink it too, but to me, that sounds like drinking lotion. I’ll try a tiny bit of it and see if it does anything weird. I know it won’t cause instant death, but it could upset my stomach or something.

I also got rye bread. I hardly ever buy bread, but on the rare occasions when I do, rye is the only thing I really like. After liking rye bread for no reason, all my life, I found out that rye is actually different and special in important ways. It contains some kind of enzyme or something that helps you break it down or something, more than the other grains do, but I can’t remember what it is. Out of all the grains, rye happens to have the largest amount of this substance. I’ll have to do a google search, but I can’t remember enough information to look for it. It’s something that basically helps you digest it or else helps you absorb more of the nutrients or something, I forget. Anyway, rye really is different in a good way, and I always preferred rye bread. I also have the kind of peanut butter that you have to mix up manually. It doesn’t have stabilizers and stuff in it. I don’t know why I would crave peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with bizarre spicy monk mango jelly, but apparently that’s got those special nutrients that my sick body needs right now :D.

I’m having weird food cravings, so I keep going to the store and buying stuff and hoarding it and taking up space in the fridge, but I’ve been too sick to actually go down there and prepare food.

Okay, I will try a teeny bit of lotion juice while blogging. I won’t drink it all. I will observe the results after, like, twenty minutes. It will probably kill me eight hours from now or something. Well, it *tastes* okay. As long as it doesn’t have the latex in it. The latex is supposedly kind of bad for you to drink.

I will *NEVER* attempt to write a blog directly into this editor ever again. I only did it because I was uploading a bunch of pictures. This is the stupidest design yet. WordPress, you have outdone yourself this time.

I’m sure I’ve had this illness before

March 23, 2015

10:34 AM 3/23/2015

So I haven’t been officially diagnosed by a doctor, but let’s pretend that I know I have pertussis. I remember now that I have had this illness before. I remember how it feels to lie awake for hours, getting into the right position to try to avoid gagging on mucus. It isn’t as bad as it could be. I’m not coughing.

But I did have one with a cough before, and I remember, the cough lasted an extremely long time and just wouldn’t go away. I remember that the cough lasted well over a month, and I was scared that something was really wrong.

So whatever I have, it isn’t new to me. They say you can still get pertussis after being vaccinated, but, they say, you get a milder attack of it. I don’t know WHAT to believe about vaccines anymore, though, because the anti-vaccine people say that kids who aren’t vaccinated at all, who are raised on the Weston Price diet and don’t have deformities, won’t even get ANY diseases even when the diseases are going around and all the vaccinated kids are getting sick.

Real pertussis at its worst is called ‘the hundred day cough.’ So, you’ll have it for a little over three months.

I can’t even think. I was going to say something and I forgot what it was.

I totally forgot. I have absolutely no clue what I was about to say. Oh well, I hope it wasn’t important.

Now I have to struggle against even *worse* fatigue than usual, to try to get some stuff done. I have to remind myself of my goals that I was trying to accomplish. I forgot what all those goals were, because I was emotionally preparing for death. Now that I’m not going to die this very instant, I can invest emotional energy into the goals again.

I thought I already had fatigue

March 22, 2015

All I did was walk to the grocery store which is a short distance away, but by the time I got home, right now, I’m so tired that I can barely drag myself back downstairs to cook some of my food like I had wanted to do. I sort of wanted to wash some dishes too. I did at least get some laundry done yesterday though. So now I have bad fatigue from my Animal-Vectored Inhalation Pseudopertussis, on top of my usual fatigue.

Sick with some kind of cold; no more unknown disease sneaking around making me nervous; a huge rant full of tangents; I did not specialize in Infectious Diseases and urgent crisis responses, but instead specialized in preventive medicine and lifestyle choices that overall reduce and prevent illness

March 22, 2015

12:18 PM 3/22/2015

I feel much better today, even though in some ways I feel worse. ‘They’ suggested that I was going to get whooping cough, in the beginning. I do not know whether I actually have whooping cough or not. But I have some kind of bad cold, with a sore throat,
intermittent mild coughs, and mucus production during the nighttime but hardly any during the daytime (being worse at nighttime is a hallmark of pertussis, but then, it’s a hallmark of almost all colds). The mucus production in my throat is so bad at night, that I will lie there, shaking my head back and forth, twitching, thrashing around to get into the right position, gently trying to cough it out of my throat without gagging or vomiting, for hours and hours.

I no longer feel as though something is sneaking around inside my body waiting to come out and kill me. I really did *feel* something sneaking into my body. Both rabies and pertussis have an incubation phase. I felt sensations of something going into my brain. It turns out that pertussis, like rabies, can also affect the brain, although the word that I saw was ‘encephalopathy’ rather than ‘encephalitis.’ I did actually feel like something was happening to my brain, which is why it was so terrifying. Pertussis does kill a small percentage of people, but that percentage is very small compared to rabies. I am no longer mentally preparing myself to inform all of my loved ones that I am about to die, whereas when I thought I had inhaled rabies, I really seriously was writing down lists of all the people who would have to be contacted if I died, and preparing to talk to particular ones before I died to tell them I loved them.

There is no logical reason to assume that just because I’m getting the symptoms of a cold right now, that I don’t still have rabies waiting to appear a few weeks from now. No law says that I cannot get more than one illness at a time. That’s why I said that I no longer had a sensation of something sneaking around secretly inside me. It’s announced itself now and has come out into the open now. I believe that with rabies, if you know to look for the signs of it sneaking around inside you, then you probably are able to observe its movements and its changes. If you didn’t know you were developing rabies, then you would not understand the strange sensations you were feeling, and would not know how to interpret them.

I’m not that worried about it now, and I don’t feel the need to describe each and every strange sensation that I felt, because it’s just not that big of an issue. I could describe the twitching and sharp pains in my throat, the sharp pains in various muscles around my body, the sensation of dizziness in my head, and so on. But it’s not that big of an issue now.

However, it ought to be documented that I caught this from an animal. I read on a web page that animals cannot carry whooping cough. Well, I am telling you that this one did (or rather, I have no proof that this is whooping cough yet, but it was a cold that humans could catch). I couldn’t see what kind of animal it was in the darkness. It went under a car. It was a small animal, and I thought it was a cat, but a raccoon and a possum are also about that size too. It was probably too small to be a fox.

I still do not know about the grains of truth in the pro-vaccine arguments. I do not know, is it true that since I’ve been vaccinated against whooping cough, then I am likely to have a much milder case of it if I do catch it?

My anti-vaccine arguments are based on some kind of a principle and some values. However, when my life is at risk, like with rabies, then it really, really matters whether a vaccine really is EFFECTIVE or not. Does it achieve its intended purpose? I’m talking about post-exposure prophylaxis to a disease which has an extremely high fatality rate like rabies. I’m not talking about the diseases that are much less likely to kill you, like chickenpox. I personally survived chickenpox before we were vaccinating for it. I don’t even remember it. I just remember that for years, I had just a couple of white scar bumps in a few places on my body which had come from the chickenpox. I might even still be able to find them if I looked. OMG, I’m getting hoarse. I said that out loud before I wrote it and my voice is really deep. I sound like one of those mannish women. I usually have an alto voice, but this is even just a bit deeper than usual.

What I mean about the principle and the values, is… There is a vision of the kind of world that I want to live in. If everything in that system is working the way it should, then there is no need for vaccines. It’s not merely a lack of need, it’s a violation of principle and is undesirable.

But this is hard to explain. I can kind of vaguely describe it. I know that I prefer to live in a world where we can supply our own products locally, without having to buy things made in factories far away. Vaccines are the very essence of something made in a factory far away.

You can’t easily make a vaccine in a primitive tribe, although you could make some unsanitary versions of them, and in fact, in the beginning, when people started making smallpox vaccines, if I recall correctly, they would collect somebody’s smallpox scabs, and then rub them into cuts on your skin. Why would anyone care if vaccines are unsanitary, when their whole purpose and their whole essence is to be unsanitary? They deliberately inject germs into your body, on purpose.

In fact, our modern vaccines are contaminated with ‘secret
ingredients,’ and I don’t just mean toxic chemicals, I mean live viruses that weren’t meant to be included, such as cytomegalovirus. I don’t recall the guy’s name, but someone who used to work making vaccines told us about ‘stealth viruses,’ and something about green monkeys, simian cytomegalovirus or something. John Somebody, Ph.D. ‘Stealth viruses’ will probably find that result on google. So anyway, even nowadays vaccines are unsanitary, if they contain live germs that aren’t meant to be there.

So this is why I feel it’s a ‘red herring’ when people focus too much on the fact that vaccines contain mercury and toxic chemicals. Yes, they do, but the viruses themselves, and the bacteria themselves, are also a threat. They contain viruses that weren’t meant to be there, and then, they contain live viruses sometimes when the viruses are supposed to be killed, or, even if they are intended to contain live viruses, still, they contain LIVE VIRUSES! in all caps. In other words, they CAUSE INFECTION. You have to question, do you really want to do that?

Some outbreaks of smallpox were thought to have been caused by the fact that people were inoculating themselves them with the smallpox virus.

The guy who studied ‘herd immunity’ – the definition of ‘epidemic’ is when a bunch of people get sick at the same time. What’s so bad about people being sick at the same time? Well, when everyone is sick, there’s no one to take care of you. Somebody has to still be able to walk around and get food for the other people who are too sick to move. But in our outbreaks of measles and whatever he was studying, we never reached a point where so many people were down in bed that nobody was left to go find food for them. There was always somebody in society who was still able to function. It wasn’t like the Spanish Flu or whatever, where so many adults were lying in bed near death that none of them could go find food for anyone else who was too sick to move.

Anyway, herd immunity is B.S., the idea that a certain percentage of people is a ‘magic number,’ and you have to have more people than that who are immune. That magic number is proven invalid just because I have observed and experienced many, many, many, many times the exchanging of viruses between humans and animals, all kinds of viruses. Our ‘herd’ is much, much bigger than just the herd of humans. If you reach that magic number of 68% of people immune to something, then suddenly realize that you are surrounded by millions of dogs, cats, pigs, birds, and so on, suddenly that percentage shrinks to an ever smaller and smaller and smaller number, to infinity the more animals you include as part of your herd.

I have seen stomach viruses being shared by cats and dogs and humans at the same time. When the norovirus is going around town, my cat will throw up, and I will get sick at the same time. That’s not the ONLY argument against the concept of herd immunity, but it’s the only argument that is specifically my own, because I have seen it with my own eyes, and it totally destroys the concept of herd immunity.

Anyway, principles. It’s hard to explain my vision of the world. I imagine: that people ought to be living a much fuller life than they do. In my community, people have more children, much earlier in life. Because of that, it’s okay to die. People also share the rearing of children, letting children come and go through everyone else’s houses, like they do in hunter gatherer societies. So a child does not just have one parent or two parents. In this world, it is still a tragedy when people die of disease, but it is not an UNTHINKABLE tragedy. There are degrees of how tragic something is.

In the real world that I live in, many people have only one child, and then they stop having children, and become infertile. If their one child dies, then the family line has ended forever. A ‘family line’ is your own personal manifestation of eternal life. Your soul lives on through your children, in a secular way. You yourself contain the souls of every parent and grandparent, even if you didn’t like those people, even if they were different from you, even if you never really understood them. Your parents, grandparents, and great grandparents all gave you their souls. You cannot exist without receiving their souls.

Life is a thing which continues over millions of years, through uninterrupted lines. If one line dies, it cannot start again from scratch, from soil, except all the way down at the base of evolution again – you’d have to start by simply making viruses out of carbon, or something, to get started reinventing life. I didn’t particularly like my maternal grandmother. I thought she was kind of mean and bossy and bitchy and whiny, and I never really understood her. But, nevertheless, she lives on through me.

I don’t mean that you actually have millions of souls packed into you. Your own soul is the dominant soul in you. But it contains something, some tiny crumb of life, from your ancestors. Those bits of you might be small, especially if you feel that you don’t really identify with your family, or if you are very different from them. All those tiny soul bits go all the way back through eternity, all the way back to the apes, all the way back to whatever was before the apes, to the bacteria and the beginning of life.

Not only that, but if you have mitochondria and other things that you’ve collected along the way, those souls came from someplace else and were not originally born into you, because if I understand correctly, mitochondria used to be independent entities that roamed around on their own. Surely we’ve incorporated viruses into our DNA and what not, somewhere along the way, though I don’t understand how that works. It’s technical, and I’m not mentally sharp enough right now to do the reading.

Anyway, so in my world vision, you have more children, earlier, and so, it is less of a tragedy if you yourself die, and it is less of a tragedy if one of your children dies.

I myself have always favored the idea of reincarnation as the one vision of the afterlife of the individual soul that I was able to tolerate. I didn’t like the idea of heaven, but I like the idea of reincarnation, and I don’t see it as a continuation of karma or anything, or rather, not necessarily. I don’t necessarily claim that that idea is TRUE, I am saying that I LIKE that idea. Liking something, and claiming that it’s true, are two different things.

There is an idea of the acceptance of death, rather than doing everything we can possibly do to prolong and protect life at all costs. It’s much easier to allow and accept death if you have done things that will make it less of a tragedy when you die.

Also, in my world, in my fully functioning system, people will be healthier, because we will be preventing their deformities before they are born. We will not be birthing autistic children, obese children, or people with other preventable chronic health problems. Everyone will be healthier and happier from the moment they are born, and so, they will have lived a fuller life before they die. In that situation, it is easier for people in general to accept death. You lived a good life.

But my own individual life is very different from those visions. I had a rough life in some ways (although in other ways it was easy and comfortable), and I never married and never had children. I also have chronic fatigue and other problems, and I am being attacked by electronic weapons, which prevents me from fully using my brain. I haven’t lived as much as I should.

Also, I didn’t want to die, because of Jesse. I am in the process of bonding and connecting with him, and making sure that his life gets off to a good start, as he’s had a lot of problems too, and he is at risk. Jesse was who I thought of the most when I was afraid I was going to die. I mean, I thought of my family, I thought of my brother and my mother and father, I thought of my friends and ex-boyfriends and coworkers and extended family, everyone, and how sad they would be, but as for someone who is sort of depending on me – no offense and not meant as an insult or demeaning or anything like that, but, I know that I am very important to Jesse at this time in his life – as for Jesse, I felt like he really was in danger if I died, and I didn’t know of anyone else who was protecting him, anyone else bonding with him and making sure he survived.

So there is a different way of looking at vaccines. When I thought I had rabies, I had to ask a few questions, brutal, objective questions. I had to ask such questions as, do they *really work*? Do they in fact achieve the purpose that they claim to achieve? I also had to ask, is it really, objectively true that rabies inevitably kills almost everyone who gets it? Those questions are not at all cut and dried. There is still a lot of uncertainty about them.

I don’t like the idea of ‘risks,’ and I don’t tend to use that word, and I don’t really like to do mental calculations involving whether something is a ‘risk’ and how much of a ‘risk’ it is. I just don’t see things that way. I look at it more individually. A ‘risk’ is something which has not yet happened to you, and it’s okay as long as it always happens to somebody else. There is a risk of being struck by lightning, but that’s fine and I’m not worried about it, as long as it always happens to somebody else besides me. That’s what a ‘risk’ is, something that always happens to somebody else, not you. It’s no longer a ‘risk’ when it happens to YOU. So I don’t like calculating my decisions in terms of risks or percentages.

But if people are claiming that the ‘risk’ of something is nearing 100%, if the risk of being killed by rabies, once you get it, if you do not do post-exposure prophylaxis soon enough (get vaccinated very quickly after you’ve been bitten), is 100% – if people claim that a risk is near 100%, then I do have to pay attention. Why is this particular thing inevitable? Why is this particular disease different from all the other diseases, which almost never have a 100% risk of death?

In a situation where people claim that something happens 100% of the time, I have to look for ‘number leaks.’ The objective truth may be different from what their numbers say it is. For example, if you are doing a scientific study, and 50 people are unwilling or unable to complete the study, and those 50 people walk out the door, you might have just lost a huge amount of important data that was essential to the scientific study.

Maybe you lost those people for reasons that are irrelevant and unimportant – maybe, they all decided they had to leave because it was time to go back to college, or something. But then again, maybe all those people left the study because the side effects of the drug were so intolerable and so life-threatening that they could not stand to complete the drug study. And that’s something important that we want to know. How many people walked out before completing the drug study, and why did they walk out?

This happens all the time with drug studies, and when it happens, they just revise the numbers and pretend like all those people never existed. All the people who remained in the drug study happened to be the ‘fast metabolizers,’ the people who were genetically capable of metabolizing all drugs in general quickly and easily and having the fewest side effects. All of the slow metabolizers find the drugs intolerable and walk out of the study to prevent themselves from DYING as a result of taking the drug, and they are written out of existence, and the world forgets that there is ever such a thing as a slow metabolizer who reacts badly to every drug.

A couple people will die during the drug study, but those will be the people who prefer to obey and do whatever they’re told and trust authority to the point of death, people who would rather do anything on earth except observe with their own senses that they are becoming severely ill and are in danger of death. So those are the people who don’t quit the drug study when they themselves are dying, and they become the tiny statistic that says, ‘Only 0.01 percent of the people died during this drug study, so it’s safe.’ Meanwhile, 50 other people walked out of the drug study earlier on, because the drug was killing them, and they listened to themselves and their own body and their own senses, and said, ‘screw this!’

I don’t mean to blame those people for dying during the drug study, and it sounds like that. Maybe there will be a few people who die by accident, even though they are being as careful as they can be to observe themselves with their own senses, and the effects of the drug happen so quickly that they don’t have time to realize it’s killing them and quit the drug study.

But I was talking about rabies, not drug studies. Does rabies kill 100% of its victims? Objective truth. My first answer to that question is, I don’t know, because I don’t have the data. I did read something the other day about people being observed in a hospital, and a bunch of people left the hospital AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE. Those people walked out. Whatever became of them? Did they die of rabies? Or did any of those people who left the hospital with rabies, against medical advice, go on to live and survive, but never got recorded in the data? I don’t know!

Does every animal die from rabies? I don’t know. I don’t have all the data. All the wild animals, running around free in the wild with rabies, might go on to recover, and we do not have this data.

I mentioned this before, but people who actually did try to find this data discovered that there is a small percentage of people, or animals, in the population, who have antibodies to rabies, but who never were aware of catching rabies, and who also never got vaccinated against rabies. So they somehow developed antibodies without ever dying of rabies, without ever knowing they were sick, and without ever getting the rabies vaccine. That means that you can possibly get *some form* of rabies without dying, maybe under ideal conditions, like inhalation instead of biting, or maybe certain strains of rabies, or maybe if you are in optimal health, and so on.

I had to ask myself those questions about objective truth. I had to ask, is it really true that death is 100% certain for everybody, and for me personally? For ME PERSONALLY? Death might be certain for all those other people, but that might be because they didn’t know something that I know, or they didn’t do something that I will do. Maybe I will be the one person who does something differently. This can be viewed as a form of denial, of something contemptible and pathetic, but yet, it is also heroic, and extremely courageous. It is both courageous and foolhardy, and I myself didn’t quite reach the point where I had to choose.

I myself wasn’t quite going so far as to say that I would be the one person who did it differently. Instead, I was beginning the process of death acceptance, although I was also still looking for ways to be the one person who doesn’t die of rabies.

And I was also looking for evidence that perhaps those rabies survivors have a HIGHER NUMBER than we think they do. Yes, yes, maybe, you might admit, maybe every once in a while, there is an extremely rare chance that maybe 0.00001 percent of the people will sometimes survive rabies. Well, I was looking for evidence that perhaps the ‘number leak’ is greater than that. It could be a number trickle, or a number flood, of unrecorded, unappreciated, unknown, unnoticed people who are all somehow being overlooked and ignored and unrecognized, for one reason and another.

One way this can happen is when a disease is never recognized as having been rabies. I’m sure this happens a lot more often than we think it does. Some people get rabies, but they swear they don’t remember ever having been bitten. They may have seen a bat walking around or flying around in their bedroom, but never knew that it bit them. Did it have to bite them? No, maybe they inhaled the rabies through proximity to the bat. If you can inhale rabies through proximity to the bat, or get the rabies on your hands after you touch dried-up bat saliva lying on your countertop, without ever being bitten, then, imagine that maybe lots of people never know that they have rabies.

You only really know you have rabies if you have been educated about rabies – I grew up in a society that told me about the existence of rabies early on, and it was ‘common knowledge.’ Everyone knows about the existence of rabies here. You know that if a sick-looking wild animal with foam coming out of its mouth bites you (the stereotypical vision of rabies), then you are going to catch rabies and die.

But it is NOT common knowledge that you can get rabies from a tiny, harmless looking, cute little bat that doesn’t really seem all that sick, which maybe crawls on your hand, and gives you a teensy, shallow little bite on the finger. That’s not like the stereotype of the rabid dog. Some of the rabies survivors were in fact bitten by bats. How much more often does this happen, but never get recorded, because people simply don’t ever realize that they caught rabies?

So, there will be some unexplained deaths which were caused by rabies, but that’s not all that I’m saying. There will also be ‘unexplained survivals’ in which someone had rabies, never knew it, and never told anyone. There will be times when somebody gets encephalitis and just gets sicker and sicker and dies, and nobody ever thinks to test for rabies, not even after they’re dead, because it just doesn’t occur to them, and it isn’t a routine test as far as I know. I don’t think it’s mandatory that every human being must be tested for the presence of rabies upon their death. But there will also be people who develop strange symptoms, never understand what happened, never tell anybody ‘Help! I have rabies!’, and then just go on living.

You sort of have to diagnose yourself before you go to the doctor. If you go to the doctor, utterly helpless and clueless, with mysterious symptoms, and you have absolutely no idea what on earth could possibly be causing these symptoms, then the doctor will have a hard time diagnosing you. But if you say, ‘I think my symptoms started at the moment when I was near a wild animal that seemed sick,’ then it occurs to somebody, do you have rabies?

So those people who go to the doctor, utterly helpless to explain their mysterious symptoms, will have one test and another done, will be told by the doctors that it’s all in their imagination, will be prescribed antidepressants, will be told that it’s nothing and they should just stop worrying about it, will be given antacids for their upset stomach, will be given painkillers for their mysterious pains, headache pills for their mysterious headaches, and so on, until finally, this totally undiagnosed, clueless, utterly mystified person will develop full-blown rabies, just because they want to demand some more attention.

And so, those will be the people who finally go on record as having developed full-blown rabies after weeks and weeks of nobody really knowing what’s going on. They will be obviously foaming at the mouth, spitting out mucus, and having uncontrollable spasms of the throat if they try to drink or eat anything.

Some of those people might not develop those particular classic rabies symptoms. Some of them might die before that even happens. Those people will simply remain undiagnosed until death. After death, maybe even then nobody will think to test their brains for rabies. They died of a mystery virus, and nobody will ever know exactly what it is, and life goes on, and people move on, and we have other things to do, and there is too much to worry about for me to spend years and years trying to solve this cold case, this mystery of why someone died.

Apnea is still a risk with pertussis. I’m sitting here noticing that my breathing is sort of very slow and deep. I’ve had apnea before. It’s not just obstructive apnea. I’ve had ‘central’ apnea, where you just stop even attempting to breathe at all, due to poisoning that affects the nervous system. I was already thinking of apnea with regard to rabies, then saw it listed as a pertussis symptom too.

Pertussis is bacteria. The bacteria produce a toxin that paralyzes your cilia, the little hairs in your lungs and throat that are always moving to flush out the mucus, constantly moving mucus along. All those hairs stop moving. So your mucus just sits there, getting thicker, choking you, giving you a horrible cough, drowning you, refusing to move. I am thinking of finding expectorant herbs. I ate Indian food recently at a restaurant, and after walking out, I started coughing productively. Which herb or spice in the Indian food is an expectorant?

Can expectorant herbs treat pertussis? How do the herbs work? Are they an antidote to the bacterial toxin that paralyzes the cilia? Do the herbs reawaken the cilia and make them move a lot? Or, what else does it do, does it make the mucus thinner and more watery? The effect of eating Indian food (using some of the tiny bit of money I have left, given to me by my mother earlier this month to pay the rent) was very rapid – just after eating, I was coughing while walking down the sidewalk, and this happens every time I go there. It’s gross and a nuisance when I’m not sick, but if I had pertussis and I were drowning in my own thick, rubbery, immobile mucus, I might be happy to eat Indian food and start coughing up phlegm.

Anyway, so I was talking about number leaks and objective truth. Objective truth says, there will always be data missing somewhere. Out there in reality, the data exists, we just can’t get it all because we don’t have the time, energy, and resources to get it, and the data is… ephemeral, short-lived, and it disappears if you don’t collect it right away. It is forgotten and lost. Like Galadriel – ‘Much that once was has been lost, for none now live who remember it,’ in Lord of the Rings. Data is constantly being produced, and then constantly being ignored and forgotten, until it vanishes, because we just cannot do everything at once, we cannot pay attention to everything at once, and we have our own lives to live.

I remember in college, there was a time when I went through a phase of being fascinated with the idea of ‘information theory’ and ‘chaos theory.’ It seemed really deep and important at the time. I collected all this together and called it ‘Problem Solving Theory,’ in my fantasy. I fantasized about starting ‘The Problem Solving Company,’ which just solves problems in general, problems as such, anything you want. If THAT’S not an Unsustainable Manic Project, I don’t know what is! Apparently I wasn’t aware of the concept of ‘specialization’ back then! I’m an all-powerful college student who will live forever and I can do anything! 🙂

But these things really are deep, for real. They are something that only an all-powerful, all-knowing, immortal college student can conceive of. It’s worthwhile to look at them again. I was also reading books like Nathaniel Branden and also ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,’ and both of those were being tied in to Problem Solving Theory too.

It was only later that I discovered Weston Price, which is now at the center of my Problem Solving Theory. Everything on earth would be easier, if only we didn’t have these deformities and these chronic, preventable health problems that cannot be undone once they happen.

But, I wandered down a different path. I wandered away from an interest in responding to an urgent crisis. I wandered into a world where you could prevent most problems from happening, in a long-term way, and if you only did that, you wouldn’t really have to worry about each individual crisis, because most of them just would never happen. You simply reduce the sheer number of emergencies in the world.

I also was a libertarian politically, so I was aware that if only the government was properly designed, there would be fewer problems in general, all over the world, and it would reduce the sheer number of disasters that we had to deal with. Those disasters that did occur, ‘the free market would take care of it.’ I don’t personally know the exact details of how that will be done. I only know that I am reducing the sheer amount of misery in general.

And so, I did not specialize in Infectious Disease. I specialized in preventing as many problems as possible in a very general way before they happened. That is my worldview.

And now I have to turn around and look at Infectious Disease once again. Do I claim that in my world, no one will ever get any kind of infectious disease at all, and if they do, we don’t need to worry about those people because they don’t exist? Risk is always fine as long as it happens to somebody else.

I am also guilty of ‘when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.’ I only have a limited number of explanations and interpretations for things. I personally have experienced ephedra drug residues, and so if I ever hear about anybody having high blood pressure and tachycardia, the first thought that occurs to me is that maybe that person accidentally moved into a house that was formerly a meth lab, and contaminated themselves, and I feel like my knowledge is really important because no one else has this knowledge. But there are many other things that can cause tachycardia and high blood pressure, and those things don’t occur to me.

I’m just as guilty of ‘The Free Market Will Take Care Of It’ in the world of nutrition. Good nutrition will take care of it. No matter what it is, there is nothing that nutrition can’t do. Now, there are grains of truth in that – it is true that the overall mass of human suffering is profoundly reduced if everyone has good nutrition. However, nutrition is not all-powerful. I know from my own experience that I have unexplained chronic fatigue, and even during times when I was eating a healthier diet, I still had chronic fatigue.

There are some unsolved problems with unknown causes, and the techniques for treating them might be special techniques. I never had a chance to try the ketogenic diet yet, but I still want to. I never had a chance to try eating the thyroid of an animal, but I still want to. And if those things don’t work, I will still suffer from unexplained, untreated chronic fatigue.

I also still want to find out what happens when I am shielded from manmade electromagnetic radiation, because radiation causes a lot of health problems too. It’s not easy to find a place where I can test this. I’m referring to both kinds of radiation – radiation in general, which comes from cell phones, microwave towers, etc, which is not directed specifically at me, and also, radiation from attacks that are directed at me personally, by people or systems of electronic weapons.

Anyway, so I do not know much about Infectious Disease, the wild diseases, the unknown ones, the ones I’ve never been vaccinated against, the ones in foreign countries that I’ve never heard of before, the ones that can kill you quickly and unexpectedly when you aren’t prepared for it and don’t have the resources to respond fast enough before it kills you.

Are there grains of truth in the pro-vaccination arguments? Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve been vaccinated against whooping cough, and I am also not aware of ever having had whooping cough. Maybe I have whooping cough right now, like the voices in my head told me, and I just don’t know it, because I’m having a milder attack of it, and that mildness of attack might indeed be due to my having been vaccinated. Could there be grains of truth in this? Yes, there could be, but I don’t know. I could also just have a milder disease just because I’m special for some reason, regardless of whether I was vaccinated.

And, in fact, anti-vaxxers (as they are pejoratively named) claim that people who are TOTALLY unvaccinated often don’t even get these childhood diseases at all, whenever outbreaks of them are going around. They claim, actually, that the people who DO get the diseases are often the ones who have been vaccinated against them, while the people who are healthy and untouched are the people who have never been vaccinated at all. Could there be grains of truth in this? I am strongly inclined in favor of anti-vaccination, and so of course I say yes. Their arguments are very compelling.

And yet, it still scares me in the case of something like rabies. I experienced a rabies scare personally. It’s still too early to be certain that I don’t have Inhalation Rabies, because it takes weeks or months to develop, but I feel sure enough that I’m no longer worried about it.

Rabies is one of those things that always happens to Somebody Else. It is *ALWAYS* somebody else who gets rabies, because rabies is not very common. It is not a universal childhood disease that everybody gets and almost everybody survives. Instead, it only happens if you are unlucky, if you happen to walk into a bad scenario where some sick animal ends up biting you, through no fault of your own, or maybe through your own carelessness.

Or, you could be the victim of a mind control attack, where puppeteers control a sick animal and make it approach you, which is what happened to me. The voices in my head were associated with the sick animal that fought with my cat. And so, rabies is a potential tool of the T-word, Terrorists, whoever and whatever those are. Rabid animals can be used as a tool to assassinate anybody you want, without getting blamed for it. In that case I should call them Assassins instead of Terrorists. They don’t care how terrified you are.

But yes, there are some people who do want to terrify you into doing something or not doing something. Or there could be sadistic crazy people who want to terrify you and cause pain and suffering without having any kind of goal that they are trying to accomplish.

Bats with rabies could be mind-controlled and forced to fly into the buildings of the Federal Reserve, or the World Bank, or some other government organization that people want to shut down, or the NSA, or the Pentagon, or whatever. I don’t know how close you have to be to the bat to be able to mind-control it. I do not use this equipment and I do not know how it works.

Oh, I never did finish talking about my aversion to the word ‘risk.’ I was thinking, what are the so-called ‘risks’ of using a vaccine for rabies, after you’ve been bitten and you know you’ve been bitten and you know you are at risk of having rabies?

I must have subconsciously performed my calculations without making them explicit. I myself decided that there was some kind of risk of breathing in rabies through inhalation, not merely from smelling the animal as I was standing nearby, but also from pressing my face against my cat and smelling his foul-smelling fur, as I tried to understand what happened and why he smelled so bad. He smelled like the saliva of a sick animal, and I was trying to understand *why*, and so, if it had been rabies, I might have inhaled a whole bunch of rabies particles.

Yes, I totally ‘fell for it.’ Maybe it’s even kind of funny. Somebody planted a bunch of rabies there as a practical joke, and I fell for it, and I totally went and inhaled all that rabies by going and sniffing really deeply.

Well, what if you mixed up a virus with something that smelled really *good*, that you know people would want to smell, on purpose, something that would entice them to inhale deeply, on purpose?

You could also just use a brute force approach and do what they do with scopolamine, which is, they just toss a bunch of powder in your face and you breathe it in, and then you forget that it ever happened, because scopolamine erases your memory.

Anyway, I keep rereading, and I never finished talking about the concept of ‘risks,’ and my aversion to using that word or that concept. I subconsciously decided that I was at significant risk of inhaling rabies, even though the doctors didn’t believe me, and probably no one else would either. Maybe I was wrong, or maybe I was right, but I decided that I was at significant risk.

Then, as each day went by, and I kept noticing that my mysterious symptoms were continuing, as I kept feeling that some kind of illness was creeping through my body, as I was aware that rabies takes time to develop, as I knew that maybe in a few weeks I would be extremely sick, I still did not feel panicked enough to run out and get the rabies vaccines as soon as possible. Then, even then, in that situation, I *still* felt as though getting a vaccination was riskier than simply watching and waiting for the rabies to show itself!

I could have run immediately to any hospital and begged for a rabies vaccine, and I would have gotten one. I could have lied and said that I got bitten by an animal, when actually I only inhaled the smell of it and then began experiencing symptoms. I could have done anything necessary to just get the vaccines right now. Now I wonder, are people sometimes inhaling rabies, but they’re too ashamed to admit that’s what happened, because they know nobody will believe them, so they’re lying and claiming they got bitten or scratched?

But, for whatever reason, some part of me judged that the risks weren’t worth it. Maybe I am ignorant and uneducated. Maybe I’m an anti-vaxxing fool. Maybe I’ve spent too much time reading anti-vaxxer websites and not reading anything else. Maybe I’m religious!

I took all that anti-vaxxing information, which I can surely agree with if we’re talking about a disease that is mostly nonlethal, a disease which happens to almost everybody, like chickenpox or measles, which doesn’t usually kill people except in the worst case scenarios, where it’s understandable that you might think to yourself, ‘Yeah, I can handle that, I can handle catching the chickenpox. No big deal.’

I took all that information, and I applied it in a situation where it might not have been appropriate. Rabies is different. Almost everyone agrees that rabies kills a huge percentage of people who get it. Not many people get it. It isn’t a universal disease that just goes through society in waves of epidemics as a normal routine. A small number of people get rabies, and almost all of those people who get it, die – UNLESS, they claim, unless those people get vaccinated shortly after having been bitten. IS… THIS… TRUE???? I don’t know.

Why am I so skeptical? I have seen so many reasons not to trust vaccine manufacturers, doctors, the mainstream medical industry, all of them. I’ve had so many bad experiences with them. I remember. I will never forget. I will never forget this. One time – oh, this was a trick. I was getting therapy from Judith Swack. I was tricked, and so was the doctor, and it wasn’t really his fault either.

Judith Swack said that she had a drug-free therapy, but this was a lie. After I started getting therapy from her, she encouraged me to start using some other drug besides St. John’s Wort, because I was resisting the therapy. I needed to be more compliant in order to accept the therapy. She didn’t say those words out loud, but that’s what it was. She needed me to be totally, completely asleep and drugged in order for me to accept any of the programming she was trying to do to me.

I thought Judith Swack must be good, because it was actually Nathaniel Branden who recommended her – he said her therapy was interesting, and she was getting some interesting results. He also recommended Thought Field Therapy. I tried both. TFT was actually helpful for me, although not as miraculous as they claim it is, but it cannot work whenever you are being attacked with electronic weapons that zap you while you are doing the TFT.

So I wanted to get therapy from Judith Swack, and I did it over the phone. When she recommended that I try to go get some
antidepressants, I went to the doctor to get some. In that sense, the doctor was tricked: I was going to the doctor and asking for some kind of antidepressants, and so, his job was to provide them, because that’s what I wanted. Doctors don’t know how to defend themselves against somebody who is approaching them and asking for drugs. They have no rules, no principles, telling them, ‘Don’t give out drugs to anybody and everybody who asks for them.’

So this doctor, obviously, gave me the drugs that I supposedly wanted. He thought I wanted them, and so he wouldn’t have known that I wasn’t going to like them. Obviously, if I came to him asking for drugs, I was inevitably going to be happy about receiving them and happy about all the effects they would have on me. Surely, if I was asking for drugs, I knew what I wanted.

So, this doctor did not fight against me. He did not say to me, ‘Look, you don’t want to do this. This is Prozac. It has a long list of extremely severe and intolerable side effects.’ He did not warn me about anything at all.

Later on, when I began experiencing those inevitable, horrible, intolerable, shocking, unimaginable, unthinkable, truly
mind-bogglingly horrible side effects, such as the total loss of ability to have an orgasm, simultaneous with an unrelenting desire to have an orgasm, and the total numbness of my entire body, the total loss of all emotion, the total loss of my entire personality, the fact that the voices in my head suddenly became PERFECTLY CLEAR rather than going away, so that I could hear, with perfect clarity, the absolute evil sickness of every word they were saying, rather than hearing a meaningless burst of static like I normally do –

I went back to the doctor and told him that I was having terrible side effects. And he said to me, ‘Well, I didn’t tell you about those side effects because I was afraid that would make you start having them. If you expect that you are going to have side effects, then your mind starts imagining them.’

I cannot even counter-argue that. That entire worldview is absolute gibberish to me. He could have said, ‘I didn’t tell you about the side effects, because the sky is pink and Mickey Mouse rules over the universe.’ He could have said, ‘I didn’t tell you about the side effects, because up is down, and you’re ugly.’

Actually, ‘you’re ugly’ is closer to the truth. Whenever I try to invent some imaginary random things, the voices in my head must always artificially put those ‘random’ things into my brain. My brain cannot and does not generate random examples freely without having the mind controllers artificially insert fake things into my brain. So, those ‘random’ things I said are probably some kind of secret code. ‘Mickey Mouse rules over the universe’ probably refers to Walt Disney being typed as an IEE/ENFP. I do not know the doctor’s personality type.

Anyway, ‘you’re ugly’ means that the doctor doesn’t know me personally and has no reason to care about me personally and has no stake in protecting my relationship with him. Whereas, doctors have often been caught refusing to vaccinate their own children, while they continue to vaccinate all the strangers who come into their offices asking for vaccinations. You don’t harm somebody you care about, but harming huge numbers of strangers is okay. Yes, there are doctors and nurses who have started refusing to comply with rules that all doctors and nurses must be vaccinated. These all-powerful, all-knowing, magical authority figures know something that the general public doesn’t know, and they are having doubts about vaccines.

I’ve lost track of all my tangents. I felt like I was finishing up some train of thought. I should go up there and look.

Oh yeah, reasons not to trust. I’ve personally experienced reasons not to trust medical providers and drug manufacturers. I’ve also read enough secondhand anecdotes, and read enough counter-arguments and counter-evidence, that my logical mind can see the holes in their arguments too.

So if I have strong reasons not to trust the people who provide vaccines, what about in a situation where I’m panicking because I’ve been bitten by a rabid dog, and, according to legend, according to common knowledge, all people shall inevitably die of rabies unless they perform this one, and only this one, magical countercurse, which is, to vaccinate themselves with rabies?

This question remains unanswered. I only know that I myself believed I was exposed to rabies through INHALATION, an uncommon route of entry which is believed to not exist. Some part of me believed I didn’t really have rabies. I did not completely believe. This was a fairly good ‘test,’ but not good enough. I wasn’t scared quite enough to make it totally real. My values and beliefs and my behavior in a crisis has still not really been tested in a realistic way, and so, even now, I cannot tell you what exactly I believe about the rabies vaccines or whether I would choose to use them while panicking and being absolutely certain that I had been exposed to real rabies through a real bite with a deep wound from an obviously sick animal. The questions are still unanswered.

I will go ahead and post this. I should take a break, maybe go out in the sun.

By the way, my sore hip improved when I started drinking milk that had vitamin D added to it. I am not happy about this. I do not like the ‘system’ that I live in. If my whole system were working properly, it wouldn’t be necessary to take manmade vitamin supplements that come from a factory. They took away all of the natural sources of vitamin D from all the foods in the grocery store, so that there was no choice, no alternative, but to seek out artificial supplements, which is why I was not happy about it. I should have been able to try eating grassfed lard, for instance, or grassfed organ meats, or the organs of wild-caught fish, but none of those are available in my *LOCAL* grocery store within walking distance. I am in a ‘food desert,’ as they say. I can only walk to a mainstream grocery store with mainstream foods in it.

Anyway, my hip injury improved after grudgingly and unwillingly supplementing with synthetic, manmade vitamin D from a factory, an additive in my milk. It is not completely better, but it improved and isn’t worrying me anywhere near as much.

That’s it for now.