Archive for January, 2011

crying while texting

January 31, 2011

11:20 PM 1/31/11

I was texting the guy who I met online who I haven’t yet seen in the real world. He wants to talk about sex and have cybersex. I was trying, but I can’t actually masturbate and have an orgasm during cybersex. I can have an orgasm with a real person touching me, but not during cybersex. I’ve never been able to. I used to go to chatrooms in the past and sometimes cybered with people and I got a little bit of vicarious enjoyment out of it, imagining that THEY were enjoying themselves, but there’s a limit to how much I myself can enjoy. I have to be relaxed and totally focused on the person.

This reminds me of the enneagram type three, where they say it has two modes: feeling mode and functioning mode. That has to do with the scrambling of the centers – it’s something technical in one of the Riso and Hudson books. I can’t ‘function’ while also ‘feeling’ at the same time. I can’t type and focus my mind on writing and doing something and performing, while also feeling my emotions and sexual feelings and getting involved in sex.

But that wasn’t all that happened. I started crying. It might have been made worse because I was hungry, but also I was crying because I don’t love this guy. He’s good looking enough, he’s attractive, and actually I feel that I am much uglier than he is. But I don’t love him. I cried and I was remembering Curtis.

I already know that I don’t love this guy. We haven’t had any bonding experiences and I don’t think he will ever really understand me even if we did have some kind of bonding experience. I am going to keep trying a little bit and I will try to meet him, but I am going against a broken heart, by force.

Not only that, but he seems to have been lying about being uncircumcised. I’m not quite sure how to confront that just yet. He had the gall to actually send me a picture where, no matter how hard I look, I can’t see a foreskin. I’m not absolutely sure, because the foreskin gets pulled down sometimes when it’s erect. But I’m suspicious enough. I made an anonymous account and was asking for men who were uncircumcised. I am going to have to look at some of the other people who replied if that is what I am trying to do. I don’t enjoy cybersex, and I was looking for something other than what he is, so this probably won’t work out.

I can’t imagine lying – it’s so short-term. Doesn’t he know that it’s inevitable that I will find out? It’s a transparent lie. Maybe he’s hoping that once he has his foot in the door, it won’t matter anymore.

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How I got natural dreadlocks

January 31, 2011

I have natural dreadlocks, which are sometimes called neglect dreadlocks.

Some people believe that dreadlocks damage the hair. I used to believe this too. I thought that people created dreadlocks artificially by teasing the hair or burning it or gluing it together somehow.

Some people do create dreadlocks that way. If someone had loose hair one day, and then a couple days later they had dreadlocks, that means they made them artificially and they did use a harsh technique like backcombing or glue or wax or some other substance to stick the hair together.

Not all locks are made that way.

Dreadlocks are the inevitable natural result of not washing your hair with any kind of soap or shampoo. (There is a ‘no shampoo’ movement on the internet, but many of those people are still washing their hair with something. Many people doing this want to avoid the chemicals in shampoo.) I am not sure that locks are always inevitable, because there are photographs of Native Americans who have braided hair, and their hair is not dreadlocked. I don’t know if they washed their hair with some kind of soap. I don’t know if they had soap.

I have wondered if maybe the grease from the scalp changes when you eat a different diet, and maybe the Native Americans were eating a diet that gave them less greasy hair. That may or may not be true, I don’t know. I can’t test it because I don’t know anyone who eats the Native American diet and who doesn’t use shampoo.

But dreadlocks will happen by themselves if you stop using shampoo and if you live a normal modern life and eat modern foods.

I created my locks by giving my hair one final wash in only shampoo with no conditioner. I tried to clean it well and get rid of residues. Then I stopped washing it. I only rinsed it with water in the shower and I let it become greasy.

For many weeks, my hair got greasier and greasier and it looked stringy. The greasy strings stuck together at the roots, near the scalp, where the oils come from. The loose ends far away from the scalp were less greasy. When it stuck together this much, I could not even comb it anymore with a wide toothed comb, and I stopped trying. The sticky grease felt like chewing gum in my hair.

The dreadlocks began at the roots. Strings started sticking together and forming larger strings. The small short hairs wrapped around those large strings. Those short hairs are probably new hairs regrowing. After hair has grown for many years, it stops growing, sits there a while, and then falls out. Then it starts growing again at the root, and you will see a new short hair. I used to assume that all of those short hairs were ‘broken hairs’ until I learned about hair regrowing from the roots. As the new hairs grow longer, they become more and more likely to wrap around and tangle with one of the existing hair strings.

After a few months, the roots of my hair began to look like ‘real’ dreadlocks. I could see densely matted hair. The loose ends of my hair did not lock that way. Instead, they gradually tangled. For a while I kept them less tangled and I still sometimes combed out the loose ends of my hair, while leaving the matted locks at the top. The loose hair formed ‘dreadloops’ as I called them (and I found out that other people call them that too, because it’s on google), where a few strands of hair tangle with other strands and then get pulled so that one part of the hair is tight and the other part is slack, and a loop sticks out the side of the strand of hair. That happened after I wore staticky polyester coats in the winter.

About dandruff: I was surprised that I did not have as much dandruff as I thought I would. There is a little bit sometimes, but surprisingly little. I can see clothing lint tangled in the locks, and I started using towels that made less lint. I am now drying my hair with ‘flour sack towels,’ thin woven towels that don’t have the loops of terrycloth on them, because the terrycloth towels always left wads of lint in my hair.

So I did not do anything harsh to create my dreadlocks. I didn’t stick them together with gum, I didn’t burn them, I didn’t damage the hair in any way, or do any other thing that people sometimes do to create dreadlocks quickly. If you want to create dreadlocks overnight and have them ready by tomorrow, then you will have to sit there for hours and hours while somebody painstakingly teases your hair and sticks it together with something. I didn’t do that. I waited months and saw gradual progress as the hair changed from greasy strings to partially locked hair with tangled loops down on the loose ends of the hair. That is where I am now.

One time a guy walked up to me in the parking lot outside of Papa John’s Pizza one evening when I had gone there on a whim craving pizza. He told me he loved my dreadlocks and then he said that he had a roommate who had locks, and they took hours and hours of work. He spoke of the time and dedication it took to create and maintain the locks. I tried to explain to him that it didn’t have to be that way and that hair would lock by itself if you didn’t wash it. That was hard for him to imagine. It is hard to understand how hair could form these tangled mats all by itself, and stay that way.

So I don’t know if Native Americans were using soap, or if there is something about the texture of their hair, or the grease of their scalp, that caused their hair to be combable, but I know that many old photos show them with combed, braided hair.

The next thing that I am concerned about is traction alopecia. If you pull your hair at the roots for a very long time, the roots will get ripped out and leave scars. It’s the same thing that happens when you pluck your eyebrows. The scarred roots never grow hair again, or else they grow a short, fine piece of hair that won’t get long.

So I am being careful not to pull my locks too tightly when I braid them and wrap my hair up when I go to work. The hat that I wear has been pulling on them lately and I need to adjust it somehow. You have to make sure that your braid, ponytail, bun, or whatever doesn’t pull your roots too hard.

And I would say, never get cornrows or small tight braids, because those can cause traction alopecia too.

I read about this while researching the Sikh religion. Sikh men don’t cut their hair, and they sometimes get traction alopecia because of the tight topknot pulling on the roots. So I want to avoid doing that.

I am waiting to see if my hair will grow longer now that it’s in locks. My hair stopped getting longer when it reached classic length, hip length. That means that the hairs were programmed to stop growing, fall out, and grow again from the roots after reaching that length. But now that the hair is locked, the disconnected hairs will remain tangled in the lock, and the locks should grow longer than classic length. I have to wait a while before I can see whether this happens. My hair doesn’t look like it’s getting longer right now. The loops actually shortened my hair.

That’s how I got dreadlocks. No damage. If I ever changed my mind about them, I would wash them and comb them out, carefully and gently, even if it took a very long time to do. I would not cut my locks off. It took over a decade to grow my hair that long, so I should be patient enough to take several days, or even weeks, to painstakingly comb out each dreadlock to save the hair. In comparison to ten years, a few days of combing is nothing.

Somebody wanted to remind me that I exist.

January 31, 2011

I’m like Kreacher in Harry Potter. I sit there mumbling hateful things to myself, assuming that nobody hears me. The people who are censoring out my blog comments allowed one to go through. I had just been complaining about Sixes, the worst and darkest side of them, saying horrible things like ‘backstabbing crazy bitch’ while talking about Mal, and then that very instant, the comment-censorers allowed someone to comment about thinking that they themselves might be a Six.

How very amusing.

I usually assume no one’s reading my blog. So I’m careless about what I say and whether it might hurt people or give people harmful ideas.

By the way, if I’m saying that the bad guys were the good guys, then actually Mal was a good guy in that movie. Just so you know. That’s another way of seeing it.

But I could argue that everyone was a ‘bad guy.’ Or a good guy, or a neutral guy from a detached point of view. It could get very complicated.

It would be helpful if the comment censorers would allow ALL the comments to go through, so that I would be aware that real human beings are reading my blog. I suspect that I only see a tiny fraction of the comments that people are trying to leave. Or else ‘they’ force people to get the impulse to leave a comment when they otherwise would have merely read it passively.

Whatever. Kreacher knows that real people are listening to him as he mutters his hateful bile.

a long disjointed blog about money

January 31, 2011

10:38 AM 1/31/11

I haven’t been working many hours at McDonald’s. Nobody has – they’ve cut everyone’s hours temporarily. This would’ve been the best time to have a second job, but I lost the job at Weis.

So my bank account was depleted as I kept paying my bills and buying my food over all these months. I got the check from the insurance company to fix the bumper of my car, and instead the check was used to pay my rent, and my bumper is still not fixed, though the accident was all the way back in October. I have not been happy about that at all. I am aware that if I get hit again, it will do even more severe damage because the bumper is already bent and it won’t protect the car.

I will be applying for a second job but it takes a while to do that. I have to get through every difficult step of filling out the application and going to the interview and then waiting to find out what happens.

My mom called on the phone a couple days ago and I had to call her back. I was dreading it. I’ve resolved many times to stop getting financial help from them. But I am always losing jobs or having health problems and so I go through many periods of time when I’m not working enough hours to pay the bills. So I end up taking money from them.

They gave me a check for Christmas and I decided that I would save the money and not spend it on anything. I would use it if I needed to pay the rent.

There is always this uncertainty. If they offer me money, I want to take it. And I also want to learn self-reliance, and I can only do that if there are strict rules forbidding me to take money from my parents. That’s why I was dreading talking to Mom on the phone. If she offered to help me, I would be hesitating and uncertain and I might give in.

How did I ‘save’ the Christmas money? I bought a gold coin with it. It was a very small coin. But since a coin isn’t as easy to sell back, it isn’t as easy to spend, then that makes it easy to save the money, by force. I can’t just go out and spend it. I have to plan ahead and call the guy at the coin shop and make sure I’ll be able to meet him and sell it back to him. If I had put the money into my bank account, it would’ve gotten spent. I would’ve felt secure and I wouldn’t have been worried about hunting for a job just yet, because I would’ve felt like there was enough money to pay the rent this month. My job hunting would have been delayed even more.

I’ve never tried to sell back a coin yet, so I didn’t know whether it would be easy to do or whether I needed to give him advance notice. I called him this morning and found out that I can just bring it in, so I will definitely be able to get the money back to pay my rent. After I found that out for sure, I felt comfortable calling Mom back.

Mom had been asking if my job hunting was going okay. I knew that she would be offering to help with money again if I needed it.

I had one of those ‘discussions’ with ‘them’ this morning. There is something that happens, and I can’t tell if the uncertainty is my own, or if it’s fake. I have to fight this battle to get permission to follow my values. When I want to pay for things myself instead of getting help from my parents, I have to ask ‘them’ permission to let me pay for things myself. ‘They’ have always been perfectly happy to let me take more and more and more money from my parents, and they often argue with me and tell me that I am entitled to it and it’s like a ‘sweet deal’ that I should take advantage of.

I have this argument with them every single time this happens. I have to fight with them (the voices) to explain that I will never learn to support myself if I never have any pressure to support myself, and that I don’t want to take all of Dad’s retirement money, because his money is mostly ‘paper’ money – it will all be destroyed if there is a collapse, and he doesn’t believe there will be a collapse, even though I have tried to warn him about paper money. I can imagine my dad committing suicide when an economic collapse occurs and his whole life savings is wiped out. So I don’t want to take any money from them. My mom also urges me to take the money, and she doesn’t believe that I’m being parasitic or taking advantage of them too much. So both my parents and ‘the voices’ are opposed to my attempts to be self-reliant.

It was the same old argument again. The forced feeling of uncertainty and insecurity. I knew I had the gold coin, I knew the guy had told me I could sell back to him anytime, I knew I could just call and ask, but still they gave me the fake feeling of uncertainty – I don’t think it was my own feeling. I think it was forced. I felt like I had to talk to Mom and find out if I could take advantage of the ‘sweet deal’ again (that phrase has connotations to me, unethical unscrupulous people who take whatever they can take, because they can). I am trying and trying and trying not to do that. I see my dad committing suicide. This is a life or death thing. I must not take too much money from them. My dad has to have enough for his retirement and enough to survive an economic collapse.

So they were ‘nice’ about it this time. They allowed me to follow my beliefs. They allowed me to make the call and find out if I could sell back the coin. I can, so I will.

I don’t know what life would be like if I weren’t being controlled. I would motivate myself differently. I would choose my goals and activities differently. I would have different priorities. Some things would be more urgent and other things would be less urgent. I might have a whole different direction.

When I talked to Mom on the phone, I didn’t want to say that I had bought a gold coin to force myself to save the money. That would be ‘weird’ to her. It would be something she doesn’t understand and doesn’t trust, something unfamiliar. She hasn’t spent the last decade reading about economics and fiat money, as I have been. I have become convinced from all my reading that the economic problems are caused by the banking system and by irredeemable currency (paper money that doesn’t represent a certain amount of gold or silver), and I have developed a strong faith in gold and silver. She hasn’t.

I mentioned to my dad about buying bullion coins. He believes that they will be worthless in the future and I won’t be able to get any money for them. Or at least, it seemed like that was what he was saying.

But he also seemed unsure about something else – I had said that I was saving them without meaning to sell them – I meant to just keep them forever and ever – and he said that it’s not worth anything unless you plan to eventually sell it. If you’re not willing to sell it then it’s not usable as money. That sort of makes sense but doesn’t make sense. I might be planning to pass it on to my own children. Somebody someday will sell it if necessary. I don’t mean FOREVER. He was thinking I meant forever and ever till the end of the universe or something. I just meant, a very long time from now, and only in an emergency. Like if I needed to buy my way out of the country, or something. So when I told him I saved my money as silver coins (because usually that’s all I can afford) he didn’t seem to understand why I would do that.

So when I talked to Mom on the phone this morning, after finding out that yes, I can sell the coin for sure, I was able to say to her that I had ‘saved the money in case I needed it.’ I didn’t mention anything about coins. I wanted to, because I love to tell the details of how I do things. I don’t like to leave out any details. But I knew that if I mentioned that, it would be ‘weird’ and she would be suspicious about it. She doesn’t know how the value of bullion coins works. She probably thinks that it’s ‘speculative’ and that I could ‘lose money’ that way.

***
This is a ‘disjointed thinking’ section. I’m half paying attention to my movie again, while thinking about something very difficult to think about.

I have a definition of what it means to ‘lose money.’ I decided that if the dollar value of my bullion coins goes down – which it might someday – I would tolerate that and not count it as a ‘loss.’ The coins themselves would still exist. This might be a ‘bubble,’ and the economic system might cause the value of gold and silver to change, to go up or down, but I still have to buy coins anyway, for the long run. In the long run, only the coins will always have SOME value. Paper money is able to lose ALL value. Coins can lose SOME of their value, but not all of it. They are the only form of money that cannot be completely destroyed in the long run.

This is a what if scenario. I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain it (particularly when a movie is playing on my laptop and I’m hearing it ‘out of the corner of my ear’ while trying to think, and I don’t want to shut off the movie).

What if:
the value of metals went down,
AND,
I had been saving my money as paper money all that time?

This is the hardest thing for me to think about, and I’ve struggled with it many times in the past, as I asked the questions about what it means to ‘make a profit’ when the ‘value’ of your metals ‘goes up.’ I decided that it’s meaningless to think of profit in those terms. So if it’s meaningless to think of profit that way, it might also be meaningless to think of loss that way. If you DON’T SELL the coins, then it doesn’t matter if their ‘value’ ‘goes up.’ I am not going to sell them even if their dollar value goes up. They are for an emergency. I am not going to sell them if their value goes down either.

If I had saved my money as paper money all that time, while the value of metals went down, what would it mean?

Let’s say I was CAPABLE of saving money in cash without spending it. That’s hard and unlikely, but, okay, I’ll pretend I can do it. (Suspend your disbelief.)

Would I have ‘profited,’ or perhaps, ‘prevented a loss,’ if I had saved the money as paper instead of coins?

That’s looking at only a short-term time period. You’re only looking at the period of time during which the prices of metals fell. That is a short period. In reality, it would be a long period during which the prices of metals changed constantly, sometimes going up or down.

If I bought a coin, and then, the very next day, the price of metals collapsed, and it stayed down low for a very long time, like, years, then I wouldn’t be able to sell back the coin at a high price. If I bought it at $100 and the next day there was a commodity price collapse, then I could only sell the coin for $50 or $30 or whatever it collapsed to, THAT DAY.

If I had not spent my money on the coin, I would still have $100 today and tomorrow.

Over a long time, the dollar value of the coins would go back up. I can’t suspend disbelief enough to imagine that the government would stop trying to inflate the dollar by printing more money. Those $100 that I saved would gradually lose their value again over a long time.

But if there was a massive deflation, where the value of the dollar went up and up –

this is hard to explain, but I’m thinking about a situation where… the dollar value is worthless and it’s not accepted as money anymore, but at the same time, it’s deflating. This is confusing and unthinkable, but I am asking it because it is a logical possibility. Most people think of hyperinflation, where you have to bring a wheelbarrow full of money to buy a loaf of bread. That happens if there’s ‘too much money’ being printed.

I’m thinking of deflation, but not a good, happy deflation where we suddenly get rich because our dollars can buy more and more each day. Maybe a huge number of dollars vanish into thin air, because of an electronic trading hack. Or because of some consequence of economic forces that I can’t explain. (Antal Fekete could explain.) Maybe instead, SOME people’s dollars gain value, and they can buy more JUNK with those dollars, so they start buying more paper trading bills or something, buying stocks, derivatives, whatever, some worthless financial crap that’s going to get destroyed in the future. But meanwhile, everyone else’s dollars get weaker, and they can buy less food, less rent, less electricity, and less gas than before. That’s one thing that can happen. Perhaps the value of the dollar-to-financial-paper ratio goes up? The dollar can buy more of the esoteric financial stuff that we can’t understand. Stocks, bonds, derivatives, etc. That actually almost seems like reality.

‘Financial paper’ isn’t the same thing as dollars. There are complex financial instruments, ways of trading, where people promise to pay somebody a certain number of dollars (or whatever) in the future under certain conditions. ‘Derivatives’ are one of those things. People buy them thinking that they’re going to make a profit on them, but then they lose all value and nobody can sell them.

If people’s dollars are able to buy more and more complex financial instruments, but meanwhile they buy less and less gas, food, rent, etc, then the ordinary person’s life gets worse, while the financial industry insiders’ life gets better.

I’m trying to express something that I don’t understand, based on fragments of things I’ve read about. (while watching and listening to a movie, and after having used half a Vivarin to get up this morning, which always makes me talk endlessly.) I’m doing it for my entertainment to hear myself talk. That’s why this isn’t a book that I’m trying to sell.

You know what’s nice about blogging? I don’t have to worry about whether I’m boring my audience to death. Nobody has to read it. Nobody has to answer. They can just skim. In the forum, I have to pay careful attention to the length of my monologues. I have to give a clear, brief, organized argument that won’t bore everyone to death before they’ve finished it. I have to think hard, and know what I’m saying. That’s why I blog, to release energy in a disorganized way and not worry about the audience too much. Everyone can just skim through it to see if there’s anything interesting going on and see if I’m okay, and look for an unusual idea or two.

Anyway I didn’t have to explain to Mom that I had used a gold coin to save the money they gave me for Christmas. I accepted that money, and actually I would rather not get any money from them at all. But if I take less money, if I refuse to keep on taking it over and over again, that’s better. I might be able to ‘negotiate’ some kind of ‘agreement’ where ‘they’ allow me to save money for real while working, instead of spending it on useless things like electronic devices that I never use and didn’t want. I wanted coins. I wanted to save the money for the future. I want to save money so I can take lots and lots of time off work while paying my bills. I want to take time off work. That is all that I want in the world, not electronic junk. It isn’t ‘junk,’ it isn’t ‘worthless,’ but it’s not what I wanted, and I am very annoyed that they forced me to buy that stuff instead of buying coins. It was deliberately done to prevent me from getting what I want and following my values.

The movie is over, so I need to get ready to go run my errands today. I will have the rent this month. I hope I get more hours at work and get a new job by next month, because I won’t have a coin to sell again.

I didn’t get to completely and thoroughly explain the concept of ‘profit’ and ‘loss’ with respect to metals. Measure your profits and losses in terms of metal coins. That is all. You must own them physically and be able to reach them and trust that their location is accessible. I’ll have to talk about it some other day then.

Mal and Cobb

January 31, 2011

I think Mal might be an ISFJ (or ISTJ) Type Six, and Cobb might be an ESTP Type Eight. He’s all about ‘regret’ and ‘guilt.’ Guilt and innocence are Eight themes. He’s ‘having big adventures’ and ‘controlling’ other people and getting away with it. He does things that are illegal.

Eights and Sixes supposedly are one of the pairs that has a special chemistry together. Some of the enneagram types are more strongly attracted to each other than others.

Mal is all about the security she felt marrying him and about hoping to grow old together. She ‘undermines his security’ the way an unhealthy Six would do – going behind his back, betraying him, setting up the paperwork to prove that he killed her and that his children should be taken away. That’s something a Six would do. They do that in real life. Female Sixes are the worst ones to get in a divorce with – they will take everything you have and they will turn all the paperwork against you. Mal is a ‘backstabbing crazy bitch’ with a crazy idea in her head that she refuses to let go of. She ‘questions’ reality and Sixes are questioners.

Robert Fischer might be a Six too. His story is all about attachment to the protective figure, about questioning and going his own way, about trusting and believing and doing what other people tell you to do, or doing your own thing.

This is another movie like Avatar, where you don’t even question the rightness of what they’re doing. The bad guys are the good guys. In Avatar, it’s true that the invaders lost in the end, but nobody in the movie ever asked the question about whether the avatars had their own personalities that were being suppressed while they were being controlled as puppets. So they lost the planet, but they still had the unquestioned tool of making and using avatars. The Inception movie is like that. You follow the action, you get fascinated with the complex world of the dreams, you want them to succeed, but you never really think much about the wrongness of forcing people to fall asleep and then controlling their minds while they dream. The ‘heroes’ are actually villains. We ‘get used to them’ so that they don’t seem bad anymore. But at the end of the movie, it looks like Cobb is still asleep, and, as I said before, I think he lost it way back when Yusuf first let him ‘try’ the super strong sedative. So now he is still asleep somewhere for years and years, unable to wake up, waiting for a sequel.

I’m a little bit afraid to complain about and criticise a movie having to do with mind control. There was an incident a few years ago where a movie had a theme about mind control where it portrayed mind control as a ‘funny joke,’ and ‘they’ punished the creator of that movie by burning down his warehouse at the exact moment that his movie was setting a box office record or something like that. The movie was Nick Park’s ‘The Curse of the Were-Rabbit.’ ‘They’ burned down the warehouse. If Lemony Snicket were here, he would say that ‘the bad VFD did it.’ And it’s true, I disapprove of a movie where mind control is a funny joke, but Nick Park is probably a type Nine, so to him, it’s going to be a lighthearted, silly, harmless thing that can’t possibly be evil and horrible. Still, somebody decided to punish him for it. So I’m a little afraid to complain about a mind control movie now.

somebody thought this was important enough to wake me at 4:40 AM for

January 31, 2011

4:45 AM 1/31/11

Somebody’s ego has gotten puffed up again, and so they want me to talk about this. There is an underground movement to build an open-source comprehensive theory of mind, and to create tests for it, much better tests than the existing Myers-Briggs tests and others, and they will be free, no fee for them. They are also building artificial intelligences and creating robots. The council is debating whether I am a friend or enemy. Much of the information is hidden from me, and all I’m seeing is the safe, low-level, censored-out stuff. The real work is elsewhere. There will be additional ‘functions’ or ‘instincts’ and each one will have an estimated electromagnetic frequency, although I expect this will vary from person to person. I’m sure there’s a lot more. That would be ‘barely scratching the surface of the tip of the iceberg.’ I know it’s there. But there are some condescending people who think they’re better than everyone else at deciding what the world should and shouldn’t know about. It will be leaked.

that was only about emails

January 31, 2011

I noticed after I wrote that that it sounded like a rape scene when I was describing how I was forced to email him. Sure, it sounds like that, but I meant it literally. It doesn’t matter. I was only talking about emails.

i loved martin

January 31, 2011

Just recently ‘they’ decided it would be okay for me to try, once again, to find a guy to go out with. So I went on the dating website and looked for a fuck buddy, not hoping for much more than that, just someone to be with. I found a guy and talked with him a bit but I haven’t actually met him yet and I have no idea how it will go in the real world when we are together.

Meeting a new guy made me remember Martin. I remember how fascinated I was with him, how I was curious about everything he was interested in, everything he said and wrote. I remember listening to him on the phone, when we had our one real conversation. I listened to him with a look of joyous rapture on my face – I remember just listening and loving the sound of his voice.

I was a puppet, being forced to do everything I did and forced to say everything I said. Our emails were probably being interfered with – I don’t know for sure. We had a couple emails where he definitely was speaking to me, and then I became unable to get any replies, even though ‘they’ repeatedly forced me to email him against my will. I wanted to stop emailing whenever I stopped getting replies, but they made me keep trying, and the worse it got, the more they put fake words in my mouth to say to him.

But the very few conversations we had, in email and on the phone, were amazing and fascinating and exciting. I don’t know how much of that feeling was real. I can’t remember it. I know that it happened, but I can’t remember.

I hate being a puppet and I hate being controlled and having my emails and phone calls blocked. I would have been able to fall in love long ago. Maybe not with Martin, but with SOMEONE. I don’t know what would’ve happened with Martin, but it would have been very different from the way it was – none of the constant attacks forcing me to say things to him, while I fought back and refused to say the unnatural things they wanted me to say.

I don’t know what will happen with my latest attempt to find someone. Like I said, I’m just looking for a ‘fuck buddy.’ I’m not looking for perfection. I’m not expecting to find a husband.

watching Inception again

January 29, 2011

11:41 PM 1/28/11

If this seems to jump from topic to topic somewhat it’s because I’m half watching the movie Inception while writing, and writing whatever I think of. ‘Disjointed’ would be the word for this.

The last Mike’s Video Rental in this area closed just recently. I found out a couple days ago. People on the forum were talking about Inception, and I decided I wanted to see it again. I wasn’t committed to buying it, but I didn’t mind renting it. And I’ve been renting the old-fashioned way, by walking into a video store. I haven’t gotten onto Netflix yet.

Netflix isn’t the only reason video stores are closing. And it isn’t because of people using YouTube or ‘illegal file sharing programs’ or any other thing that they might blame it on. (This applies to the music industry too.) Every time people talk about ‘competition’ being the reason why some kind of store is closing, I get frustrated, because I want to tell them that it’s caused by more than just competition. If it were only competition, there would be some way to counter-compete and fight back. Wal-Mart didn’t merely out-compete all the mom and pop stores that closed after Wal-Mart moved in. There are forces that give power to Wal-Mart and every other ‘new business’ that seems to be outcompeting old businesses.

Borrowed money is one of those forces. Also, rising land prices and high property taxes making it unaffordable to sell things from a ‘brick and mortar’ business.

But that’s not what I was going to talk about.

I was going to talk about why I like the movie Inception (which I went out and bought, as soon as I found out that Mike’s Video was now closed) when it’s a movie about mind control from the attackers’ point of view. Why would I like a movie where the bad guys win?

This movie is a ‘different take’ on the idea of mind control. Some movies about mind control make it seem like only the government would ever do it, or that it’s always for government-related purposes. This movie shows the corporate purposes. (I don’t like saying ‘corporations are evil’ either, because their power comes from, once again, borrowed money and other artificial things created by government.)

This movie feels more like what I experience. The people talking to me seem to be like hackers. Some of them have been like churches or religious people. Some of them seem to be police. Sometimes they seem like therapists. I don’t know who they are. But Inception feels like what happens to me.

What’s bad about this movie? There will be people who watch the movie and say, ‘Hey, that looks like fun. I want to do that. Controlling people’s dreams is cool.’ Then there will be other people who say, ‘All of reality is a dream, and the only way to escape is to die.’ I don’t want anybody to believe either of those things.

***
I’m watching this movie again, and I caught the moment when it happened. When Cobb gets lost in the dream – I caught the exact moment when he lost it.

It was when he first met Yusuf. They went downstairs and they saw the people who were all there to dream, voluntarily. Then he let Yusuf give him a ‘test’ of the drug that they were going to use.

He went to sleep for a couple seconds and saw Mal talking to him. Then he suddenly snapped awake and Yusuf said, ‘Sharp, no?’ as in, the dream that he experienced while taking this drug was a clear and sharp dream. I guess that’s what he means, unless he means that he poked him with something sharp. Then he’s at the sink washing his face and he still sees the curtains blowing and Mal’s silhouette. He’s not sure if he’s awake or not. That’s the moment when he’s lost it. He’s actually still asleep. He did not wake up when Yusuf put him to sleep in that basement.

The word ‘disappointment’ was on the markerboard behind Eames as he was talking about how he was going to impersonate Peter Browning. But Thomas Fischer had never mentioned yet about how his father said he was ‘disappointed.’ That’s a sign that maybe Cobb was already dreaming.

In the beginning of the movie he spun the top and it eventually toppled, but in the end of the movie it seemed to keep spinning. He might have been still asleep.

***
This fits with something I’ve experienced. There is this horrible thought that has gone through my mind sometimes. Sometimes the voices talking to me claim that they are asleep and they can’t wake up. I’ve wondered if they were people in a coma. Someone is projecting them into my mind and making me talk to them, but they say they can’t help talking to me, they can’t stop themselves from talking to me, and they say they need help.

One interpretation is that somebody somewhere really is trapped asleep and their thoughts are being projected into me and I am forced to hear them and interact with them.

Another theory is that the electrical signals caused by the attacks are making another part of my brain talk to me. However, I don’t believe that theory. That theory was suggested only recently because I read a news article about ‘alien hand syndrome,’ where a woman had a lobotomy and it caused her to have a conflict between her left and right hands. The left hand would act on its own, doing things independently, while the right hand was trying to do something else.

I am rejecting the idea that some other part of my own mind is talking to me. The voices are something electrical and unnatural. They do not come from within my own mind. I remember what life used to feel like, years ago. There were no voices talking to me from other parts of my brain, not like this. My own thoughts felt very different from this. ‘Voices whispering’ isn’t the way the voice thinks. I don’t think that anyone will convince me that the voices are just another part of myself, that they belong to me or originate within me.

There often seem to be negotiations going on between different people controlling me. I don’t know if this is real or just a strategy/tactic that they are using. I often called it the ‘good cop / bad cop’ tactic. You bond with the people who seem to be nice to you, because the other person was really mean to you. That seems to happen to me.

***
Another thing that I like about this movie is that it’s about freeing an innocent man. Cobb didn’t mean to kill Mal in the real world. He meant to wake her up from the dream and he didn’t know that it would cause her to commit suicide in real life. I usually like movies about freeing an innocent person. (However, he’s not ‘innocent,’ because he’s a dream extractor, but that’s a separate issue. I haven’t even begun talking about how to prosecute people for controlling other people’s thoughts and dreams.)

He didn’t kill Mal – she killed herself – and, based on my own experience, you can’t just give someone an idea once – you have to give them the idea constantly, over and over again, and in order to control them and force them to do what you want, you have to constantly control them 24 hours a day. You can’t just inspire them to have some idea and then let them go on their own. If they take an idea that easily it means they were already going that direction themselves.

Then again, reading a book can change MY mind for a long time afterwards. But it doesn’t really change me unless I am being attacked. Most of the things that happen to me after a book result from being attacked and controlled. I know this because ‘they’ constantly replay words that I’ve read recently and bombard me with whatever I’ve been reading. Some of the change in beliefs is real, and some of it is from being attacked constantly.

This movie also reminds me of how people who have used hallucinogenic drugs can come out of the experience feeling as though normal life isn’t amazing enough anymore. (Or any drug, not just hallucinogenic drugs.) Some people commit suicide after using drugs, but that’s a direct effect of the drugs – it isn’t psychological, it isn’t because ‘life isn’t good enough anymore,’ it’s because the drug itself, and the withdrawal, mess you up so badly that you become suicidal, and it is a direct effect of the drug and it has nothing to do with psychology.

That’s different from this movie because in the movie Mal committed suicide after she had lived about 50 years in a dream world, and when she woke up, something was wrong and life wasn’t what it used to be anymore. In the movie it was portrayed as ‘psychological,’ although actually if they were using drugs they could have been drug effects. If this were happening in real life I would be asking what drugs they had been using and I would assume the suicide was the result of drug use, not ‘psychological beliefs.’

I worry a little bit when I write blogs like this because I’m talking about ideas that are not yet finished or not yet accurate. I’m just blurting out whatever I think of. I don’t want anyone to take this as my final position or my final opinion forever and ever.

I have really enjoyed trying to learn how to use the other Jungian functions. ‘Thinking’ is what I would use to clarify my ideas.

Today I stopped at Barnes & Noble and picked up a magazine about eastern religions. I don’t remember what it was called. I was reading about Dharma. Dharma is an abstract concept. Abstract religious ideas like dharma are the type of ideas that come from using intuition with feeling. The whole article I read was one abstract concept after another. It was about good and bad, about our place in the universe, about our unique identities. Normally I wouldn’t even read an article like that. I would skim it, look for pretty pictures, see if anything in it was even remotely useful to me, and then dismiss it. Today I still didn’t feel that it was ‘useful,’ but I read it to learn what it felt like to use abstraction with good/bad feeling evaluation.

I was wondering last night what the N-F functions would imagine. They might ask questions like, What is good? What is bad? Can people ‘like’ something that’s ‘bad?’ If they do, are they bad people, or are their souls corrupted? And so on. That’s the beginning of what the N-F functions would think about in childhood.

***
Something that I don’t like about this movie, or any other movie for that matter, is that they make it seem like everything that you do with your mind is ‘psychological.’ That’s more interesting in a movie than the real truth. The real truth is that most of the things that go wrong with your mind are physical. They are caused by drugs, chemicals, viruses, or any other physical injury.

non je ne regrette rien – that’s the name of the song they play. I want to find out what that means. Regret? Guilt? I’ll look up the translation.

When I first started getting attacked, I went through a series of ‘beliefs’ about what was happening to me. One of the ‘beliefs’ that they tried on me first was the belief that I was psychic, and in my dreams, I was wandering out of my body and going and attacking other dreamers and forcing them to do things in their dreams. I knew about lucid dreaming and they were trying to make me believe that dreams were ‘psychic’ and that it was ‘my fault’ that I was doing bad things to other people in their dreams, hurting them and torturing them.

I knew that wasn’t true. I decided that every aspect of the dreams was fake, that somebody else was doing it to me, that it was completely artificial and I had no control over any of it at all, that shared dreaming was not possible. I thought that psychic powers might possibly exist but they had no resemblance to what I was experiencing. If they ever existed in the world before radio was invented, they would have felt very different from the ‘psychic powers’ we experience today.

This is getting longer and going nowhere, so I should just post it and get on with it. I’m supposed to be asleep. I took a nap after work and they woke me up after only a couple hours. I need to sleep more but I don’t feel like I can fall asleep.

Anyway the idea was that you can’t hurt other people by attacking them in your dreams. If you experience lucid dreaming, it’s fake, and you don’t really control it. If another lucid dreamer tells you that they dreamed about you, that’s fake too. It wasn’t really you and you’re not to blame. It’s not some part of your subconscious getting out of control or doing things you don’t want it to do. It’s totally artificial and the dreams were not created by you. They were created by the attackers.

concepts about concepts

January 28, 2011

11:41 AM 1/28/11

I got up around 11:10 this morning and started to get ready for work. But I couldn’t get up out of bed. I was trying to move and thinking, ‘I can’t do it.’ So I took half of a Vivarin. (I don’t have any coffee or a coffeemaker at home right now, long story.) Since I withdrew from coffee for two days, the half a vivarin is having a stronger effect. (Good thing I only took half.)

I showered and got dressed in my uniform and was about to walk out the door around 11:35 when I realized that I don’t have to be in to work until 12:30. I knew the number was 12:30, I was thinking 12:30 in my mind, but everything I was doing was getting me there at 12:00. I’ve done this before. I walked in half an hour early before and punched in and everyone basically said ‘wth?’ And I think, yeah, it was when I came in at 12 and 12:30 was when I was scheduled – same thing as today. So I caught myself and realized I have a few extra minutes till I have to leave.

I was thinking more about intuition and abstraction last night.

I started off at a child’s level of abstraction, the very beginning. I thought about: what is time? when does time end? how long is a million years? how long is a million times a million years? that’s nothing to eternity. that’s the blink of an eye to eternity. a blink of an eye is the same as eternity. one second is the same as eternity. Eternity is an abstraction so unimaginable that we need a symbol to represent it. You can’t imagine it and it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen in your life.

Then I thought, what if somebody asked questions about time and eternity, from their childhood onwards, and that’s all that they thought about, that kind of question, for their whole life. They spent most of their time thinking about those kinds of questions. Everything they wanted to think about would be something that was so abstract that you had to use some symbol or image or word to represent it, because it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen in the real world.

Over the years they would learn more and more words and concepts and add them to their knowledge. They would learn concepts ABOUT those concepts. They would learn and remember relationships between the concepts. They would learn exceptions to the rules about the concepts.

But because they specialized in those abstract concepts, they would not learn much about things like ‘How do I bake a cake?’ And if they did bake a cake, they would be asking abstract questions about cakes while doing it. This is what it means to ‘specialize’ in something. You become so good at one particular thing that you aren’t very good at other things, and it’s physically impossible to specialize in everything at once. You might be able to dabble in some of those other things, but you’ll always be rather weak in them. All of the Jungian functions are that way, all of them. Each function is something that you specialize in, while you neglect the other functions. You mostly use two of them together, one to ‘perceive’ the world and one to ‘judge’ the world.

Okay, NOW I can leave for work.

Everything you know about intuition is wrong

January 27, 2011

9:27 PM 1/27/11

I worked today and I got home around 5:00. Maybe a little earlier or later than that. I remember that I ate something from Dairy Queen and I also drove to look around the location of a place where I’m going to apply for a job.

I was ‘getting the file out.’ After reading Mark Forster, I use that phrase to mean that I was doing one small task to get myself started on a large task that I was dreading. It’s similar to ‘the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.’ If somebody was going to make mixed idioms (or mixed metaphors or whatever they are), those two mean about the same things. You tell yourself that you’re not really going to write the whole term paper, you’re just going to get the file out and look at it. Then you do, and you find that you can start on doing just a little bit of work, but not the whole thing. And then you find that you’re able to do more than you ever could have done if you tried to tell yourself that you were going to sit down and do four hours of work on the term paper, because you don’t feel that pressure making you freeze up and refuse to do it. And at any time if you feel you have to stop working, then the next ‘getting the file out’ could really be the time when all you do is get the file out and then set it down again.

I have to apply for a second job because I lost the job at Weis and I’m not getting enough hours at McDonald’s. I am dreading applying for a second job.

I came home and took a nap. They woke me up a few minutes ago and I’m confused. I don’t understand how it can only be 9:30 PM. I feel like I slept longer than that. Some of that might be because I am quitting caffeine again for the hundredth time. I’ve had a couple cups of decaffeinated coffee in the last two days. Decaf is probably not a good way to do this, because it has a tiny amount of caffeine and it makes me go into withdrawal again and again. I need to eat food instead of drinking coffee.

My personality will change slightly as I quit caffeine. I will be observing the changes, but this time, I have a model of what to look for. I am using the Jungian Function Attitudes to understand myself and other people. Did I mention in my blog, or was it somewhere else that I mentioned this, that I dismissed the Jungian Functions for a long time because, years ago, I read a comment from someone saying that the whole belief system was wrong – it was reductionistic or something – and I believed it. So I went all these years thinking that Jungian Functions were a ‘mistaken belief system,’ only to find out now that actually, they are extremely, amazingly, wonderfully, excitingly useful, and I am observing myself and others with them.

Because of the Jungian Functions, I can finally understand small talk! I was at work today and some people were standing around talking, which is something that I can’t do. I *can* do it, if I’m using 1. caffeine, and 2. St. John’s Wort, or else if the SJW residues are on my clothing going through my skin, and 3. ‘They’ are controlling me and forcing me to say things and make small talk. Usually, in the real world, I just stand there silently. I never, ever say anything about anything at all. I just quietly feel feelings. The ISFP is described someplace as ‘sees much, says little.’ That would be me in the real world (when I say ‘the real world,’ I mean, this IS the real world, but what if I weren’t being controlled as a puppet).

The people talking were using Si, introverted sensing. This is a function that remembers things that have happened in the past, and compares and contrasts them to things happening now, or things being talked about. People making ‘small talk’ are often doing that. They are probably SJ Guardians.

***
www.cognitiveprocesses.com

“Introverted Sensing often involves storing data and information, then comparing and contrasting the current situation with similar ones. The immediate experience or words are instantly linked with the prior experiences, and we register a similarity or a difference – for example, noticing that some food doesn’t taste the same or is saltier than it usually is. Introverted Sensing is also operating when we see someone who reminds us of someone else. Sometimes a feeling associated with the recalled image comes into our awareness along with the information itself. Then the image can be so strong, our body responds as if reliving the experience. The process also involves reviewing the past to draw on the lessons of history, hindsight, and experience. With introverted Sensing, there is often great attention to detail and getting a clear picture of goals and objectives and what is to happen. There can be a oneness with ageless customs that help sustain civilization and culture and protect what is known and long-lasting, even while what is reliable changes.”
***

I heard one of them using comparative adjectives. She was saying something like ‘more than they did last time.’ I don’t remember the exact words. That jumped out at me because Si is about comparing one past experience to another and seeing how they’re different, how they’re alike or different, how it’s more of something or less of something.

With the way my mind works, I don’t want to just stand around talking about things. I want to *do* something. I am focused on the job. However, I enjoy the cameraderie of doing something with other people if we are all doing the same thing, but it has to be something fun, because I didn’t really enjoy working at Weis when we’d all be in a group working together and talking – I liked it a little bit but I still felt left out, and also I didn’t like the jobs I had to do at Weis. And I want to feel the cameraderie of all of us working on something challenging or something fun.

At Weis I worked in the food service department and I had to do things like make a bunch of sandwiches to put them out on the shelves. We threw away a huge amount of food that didn’t sell. I’ll have to talk about it some other time but that job was very demoralizing for me, and not just for me, but for everyone. But it was an SJ job – all the SJs were able to do it much better than I could.

It was just now pointed out to me that ‘they could do it much better than I could’ is a comparison. Or a contrast, or whatever.

Doh!!! LOL! I’m reading their page about creativity. It’s www.cognitiveprocesses.com/creativity.html. The very last one, introverted feeling – I read that and started laughing out loud. What was I just talking about a minute ago? This thing used to seem worthless, but all of a sudden I’ve discovered how valuable it is! I was talking about how exciting it was that I went all these years thinking the Jungian Functions were a ‘mistaken belief system,’ and that the only thing that was useful was the ‘personality types,’ the MBTI, and Keirsey, but it wasn’t useful to look at the individual functions because that was ‘reductionistic’ and that ‘isn’t how it really works,’ or something like that, whatever it was that I believed. Now I’m all excited because I have found that something useless and wrong is actually amazingly useful and I wish I had known about it all this time!

“By changing the importance or finding new congruencies with personal values – e.g., finding value and committing to something that before seemed worthless.” That’s what made me start laughing out loud.

So if you see people who are excitedly picking up some idea and saying, ‘I wish I had known about this years ago!’ and they’re all focused on learning the new thing and talking about how amazingly valuable and useful this is, they are using introverted feeling, and they might possibly be an INFP or ISFP, both of whom have that as their dominant function.

I can use the functions to see what people are DOING.

I have something which is brewing in my mind because ‘they’ suggested it and I haven’t resolved it yet. They suggested that ‘motion’ or ‘movement’ needed to be added to the Jungian Functions system. ‘Movement,’ or ‘The Instinctive Triad,’ is something ‘valuable’ that comes from the enneagram. There is no equivalent of it in the Jungian System. If it’s in there, it’s implied by something or contained in something else or expressed by something else or just doesn’t exist at all.

They were going over this idea with me the other day. I was imagining what if we built a robot which was programmed to have the eight Jungian Functions. If you only used those eight, would they be sufficient to make the robot move around and do things? Would the robot need to have some kind of ‘movement function?’ Is ‘movement’ already implied by those existing functions? Would the robot just ‘sit there thinking?’

When I went home to WV before Christmas, we watched TV together a little bit. There was a Star Trek Next Generation episode, the one about the Exocomps. They were little robots meant to fix things by using artificial intelligence, but they seemed to come to life more than their designer expected them to. They started avoiding dangers and trying to survive. That was a survival instinct. ‘Instincts’ such as survival – this might or might not be the same things – Ichazo – I need to read Ichazo again. Instincts – social, self-preservation, sexual – are those instincts ‘contained in’ the ‘movement center?’ Are they already expressed by that? No – that’s not what I mean.

Some websites assign a subtype to the enneagram types. You are a Type Three, self-pres/social. Those two instincts are your strongest instincts. I am saying that I’m not sure whether those ‘instinctual stackings’ are somehow associated with the ‘movement center’ or ‘instinctive center’ or whatever. All of this needs to be reconciled, and I don’t think it will be as straightforward as simply saying that each enneagram type somehow exemplifies a particular Jungian Function, simply because the number 8 and the number 9 are close to each other (there are 8 functions, and 9 enneagram types, so hey, let’s combine them! they must be the same! What if there were actually 27 enneagram types? or some other random number. You wouldn’t think that the numbers could possibly be talking about the same thing.).

I feel that the Jungian functions are somehow ‘too cognitive’ or ‘too intellectual,’ that it’s all up there in your head, that the little exocomp would just sit there thinking and meditating. I *like* the idea of a movement center or instinctual function.

So that’s introverted feeling that I was using. Again, from that quote: finding new congruencies with personal values. Congruency: a matching between two things. Something is congruent if it matches. I was trying to say that I was using introverted intuition, but I think that’s not true, I wasn’t using that.

“By changing the representation or conceptual vision for a new holistic view – e.g., imagining another direction for perfection.” introverted intuition

When I say that the Jungian functions seem ‘too cognitive’ or ‘too up in your head’ and have no connection to the body, instincts, or movement, or action – well, that’s connected with my values: I think it’s ‘good’ for a belief system to be connected with the body. That came from reading Nathaniel Branden. He said that rejecting the body is a big problem in psychotherapy. And, ugh, if I have to, I can quote Judith Swack too, whose method is called ‘Healing From the Body Level Up,’ and I say ‘ugh’ because I don’t trust her, since that’s when I started getting attacked, when I did her therapy. But yes, I am interested in: the acupuncture meridians and other things that connect the body with the mind. (All of a sudden my thought process just vanished after I mentioned Judith Swack. I forgot everything I was about to say.)

There is a big mistake going on – lots of people are being mistyped as intuitives, when actually they are very rare, and when they do things and say things, it is very abstract. Lots of sensors are being called intuitives and not understanding the extremeness of how abstract the intuitives really are. They are so extremely abstract that their words are meaningless to sensors. ‘Imagining another direction for perfection?’ This is something that a sensor finds very hard to understand. Why would you want to do that? It’s such a huge, vague, general, holistic view. You would have to understand that this whole belief system is going about things the wrong way (or ‘a particular way, whether good or bad’) and describe WHAT it is that it’s doing, and then imagine doing the whole thing differently. ‘Perfection’ is a concept that I don’t think of very much anymore. (That was only one example of something that introverted intuiting might do.) But that would be like talking about a belief system or about values or the whole way that a culture or religion or business was going.

If you can learn to use those other functions they will help you. I can see how deep it is and how hard it is to use them. Every time I try to use one of the other functions, I find myself using introverted feeling – I’m judging this idea to be valuable and useful. (Or, alternatively, if you instantly react with ‘This is pointless! Why bother?’ That would be using the introverted feeling function: you respond with a value judgment about whether it’s worthwhile, or not, to do some activity – not enough time, not important enough, not useful, not interesting, etc.)

Functions don’t work by themselves. Each function works with a supporting function. The thinking function doesn’t sit there thinking about nothing – it thinks about some data given to it by either sensing or intuition (concepts).

I was wondering how people ‘see’ concepts. If you’re an intuitive (who isn’t actually a mistyped sensor), then ‘concepts’ are your PRIMARY way of seeing things. Everything you look at in the real world becomes a concept. I was wondering how that would work in reality. Your eyes are a sense, and intuitives still use their eyes to see. (And words are a symbol, and sensors are able to read words and make the leap of understanding to know that the words ‘represent’ something or ‘mean’ something.) But how do they see?

I started imagining what it would be like to ‘see in concepts.’ There’s actually another web page that I was looking at which described some of this. http://www.darionardi.com/functions. But before I read that page I was wondering about it. If you were a baby destined to be an intuitive, how exactly would you ‘see concepts?’ You still can see the material world and physical objects.

I started imagining somebody ‘evil.’ I started imagining a person who is like a military leader and they don’t mind killing thousands of individual, real people, because those people are just an abstraction to them. I imagined that when they looked at people’s faces, they didn’t see any features on the face, even if their eyes were tested at 20/20 vision. Human bodies would be a stick figure, a symbol of a human, a round featureless head and stick body and stick arms and legs. They have no individual identity. (Again, this isn’t all intuitives. I was just trying to understand a ‘military dictator’ or ‘military leader’ type of person. Someone who gives the instructions and strategies for killing thousands of people.)

But then (the fantasy continued) you walk up to the leader’s desk and you put down a piece of paper that says ‘I graduated from Harvard and I work for the government in Department So-And-So.’ Suddenly the military leader looks up at you, and individual facial features magically appear on your face which was blank before. You now have an identity. You are an ‘important person’ who might have money and power to give to him or share with him. (This person probably has the ‘social/self-pres’ instinctual stacking too.) Now you are a ‘recognized individual.’ But you didn’t exist as a recognized individual until you gave them the piece of paper with the magic symbols on it, ‘I graduated from Harvard, blah blah.’

(*Note, I think this is all wrong. I was still talking about a sensor, probably an ESTJ, not an ENTJ. I don’t know how you would use the ‘magic symbols’ to convince an intuitive that you exist as an individual and not just as an abstraction. I think that that description of a ‘piece of paper saying you’re from Harvard’ is more of an SJ phenomenon, not an ENTJ phenomenon.*)

So then I started imagining if somebody hacked that. All you have to do is write the magic words and you suddenly become an important person who exists. Then you can undermine the military dictator and act against him to end the regime.

Well anyway, that was how I tried to imagine ‘seeing concepts.’ Human faces would be a meaningless blur, a peach or brown colored oval with nothing on it, just random shadows, no eyes, nose, or mouth, no identity, no individuality, no specificity. All you see are large groups of faceless stick figures moving around. If they group together, they become threatening. If you see any of them talking together in groups, pay attention to what they’re saying because they might be conspiring against you.

I wish I had some nicer visions of what it’s like to ‘see concepts!’ Not all intuitives are military leaders who see humans as killable, disposable abstractions who don’t matter in the real world.

And I think all of that fantasy was wrong – it’s probably nothing like that at all, when you see concepts. I was probably still stuck in the sensor world. It’s like one of those nightmares where you try to turn on the light, but no matter how many different lights you turn on, it’s still dark – that’s from lucid dreaming – ‘they’ were suggesting that to me because of reading about Jared Loughner recently and so everybody’s reading about lucid dreaming lately. No matter how many lights you turn on, no matter how you try to imagine what ‘intuition’ is to an intuitive, you’re wrong. Intuitives are *almost* another species of human.

This is useful for me in many ways – it would help me create book characters. Creating characters, and giving them dialogue, was impossible in the past. Now I can create characters by building from their functions, but I have to thoroughly understand what the functions are really doing, and distinguish them from things that resemble them. Because I myself have a tendency to use ‘introverted feeling,’ then every time I try to use another function, or look for the other functions, or imagine what it would be like to use them, I find myself automatically going back to using introverted feeling again – value judgments about whether this is good or bad.

I want to create good role models of all the types, too, because the ‘evil military leader’ isn’t the ONLY manifestion of ENTJ type Eight. I’m sure there are ENTJ Eights doing good things out there.

You know how it is when you want to tell a celebrity what they ought to be doing or believing instead? If you see a celebrity and you think, if only I had what they had, if I were famous and rich, if I were able to do the things they can do, but also keep the knowledge I have now, then I would be able to fix everything. Like if I could be inside of Kim Jong Il, the dictator of Korea, and guide him by my values, while knowing what I know, and knowing what he knows. (I guess that qualifies as a ‘celebrity,’ lol.) He could be an ESTJ too, I don’t know anything about him. In the fantasy I was trying to imagine an intuitive, which is why I said ENTJ, because the ‘seeing concepts’ thing is inconceivable to me. Kim Jong Il could be ESTJ and I don’t want anybody to think that I actually know what I’m talking about. That’s the whole point, I don’t have a clue about any of this and I’m just guessing, so don’t take my word for it.

But also I need to do more work on understanding the ‘movement center’ and how it fits in with the Jungian Functions.

This idea: that if you try to understand them, you really, really, REALLLLY don’t understand them. No matter how hard you try, you’re actually thinking of the wrong thing, and find yourself back to where you began. It’s reallllly really hard to understand and when you think you know about it, you actually don’t. It’s like struggling to learn how to do a spell at Hogwarts. This really is a lot like magic. Using another function, seeing things another way, finding it inside you, finding that this function is there and it exists and you can do it, is like magic. But you have to identify it correctly. (And the web page that said that JK Rowling was an INFP might be wrong. She might be an ISFP. I’ll have to find that page. I’m trying to say that if you think you know what an ‘intuitive’ is, you don’t. You have to try really, really hard to understand it, and when you think you know it, you’re wrong.)

I have complaints about the Myers-Briggs test. I want to see a test like this:

1. You go to a party. What do you do? Check ALL the answers that apply.

a. Go to a party? I wouldn’t do that. Alcohol is bad for you.
b. Go to a party? I wouldn’t do that. I never fit in.
c. Do I HAVE to go to the party? I’d eat but not drink…
d.
e.
f.
g.
h… and then some answers that are totally not you:
i. I’d greet my ten friends and we’d get drunk and do karaoke.
j.
k.

You know, a very detailed question about a real world situation. There would be lots and lots of possible answers and you check ALL that apply. None of this ‘distinguishing between two closely related things…’ you know it’s like identifying the criminal. They did a study that showed that when you identify the person you saw in a crime, when you look at two similar photos it’s bad, it doesn’t work that way. The best way to identify the criminal is looking at his face in a crowd of people who look different from him. It’s not natural for you to look at two people who look almost exactly alike and try to figure out which one is the suspect. But you could identify the suspect if you saw him in a crowd of people, where he wouldn’t be standing next to four other people who looked almost exactly like him. I want the test designed that way.

The real Myers-Briggs test is actually like this:

1. Do you like things to be
a. open, or
b. closed?

Okay, so that’s kind of an exaggeration. But it’s abstract. And the instructions tell you to ‘just answer the first thing that pops to mind.’ Yeah, that worked really well. I got ‘INTP,’ then ‘INTJ,’ then ‘INFP,’ for years. There are hundreds of mistyped people who think they’re intuitives because they like ‘possibilities.’ Possibilities? I love to think about ‘possibilities!’ I love thinking about ‘what is possible’ instead of ‘what is actual.’ I can list a dozen different ways of doing something instead of the usual way that it’s done. I always have some idea for how things should be done differently. But I’m not an intuitive. The words don’t mean the same things to different people. I go around all day long thinking that everything on earth needs to be done differently than the way they’re doing it, so I called myself an intuitive. To me, that’s a dislike for ‘what is actual.’ I can’t stand the way they do things around here. I can’t stand anything! But that doesn’t make me an ‘intuitive.’ I think thousands of people are mistyping because of that same thing. ‘What is possible’ versus ‘what is actual’ has mistyped thousands of people as ‘intuitives.’ The whole test needs to be revised!

It’s easy to criticize something you didn’t create. It wouldn’t even be there if it began with criticizing. There is something rather than nothing. The test exists. This is Edward de Bono, black hat thinking. Black hat thinking didn’t create the test. It can revise it, but not create it. And by the way, don’t anyone go trying to correlate the Six Thinking Hats with Eight Jungian Functions or Nine Enneagram Types, because they’re different! lol. (The Twelve Days of Christmas could be rewritten and each number is a number of something in the personality systems.)

I ❤ Jungian Functions. Jungian functions are 'in.'

I need to go eat.

It's really weird to know about the functions and struggle to use other functions besides my preferred one, or even to understand *what they are*. It's weird when you find yourself going back to your normal way of doing things while you're trying to imagine doing something differently. Everything always goes back to that original way. Then you think 'I was using intuition' but actually you were using introverted feeling.

I wish they had taught me this in elementary school. They probably teach it at Hogwarts.

remember the time when i cried and cried

January 24, 2011

6:20 PM 1/24/11

I’m going to retell a story. This happened between me and Curtis. It was last year sometime, in 2010.

They forced me to steal his cell phone number and start texting him. I knew from the beginning that this was a bad idea and I didn’t want to do it. I actually went out and bought a new Tracfone so that I could text him, because the Tracfone that I normally use is several years old, and it’s been hacked or messed up or something so that it can only receive texts but cannot send any, in spite of my trying to fix it in the tech support section of the web page.

Anyway I had texted him and he usually ignored me (or wasn’t getting them), but once in a while he would randomly answer. Every once in a while they forced me to ask him, ‘Are you getting my text messages?’ and he would say no, he wasn’t getting them. I would then push and ask the same question again, are you sure, are you serious, you’re NOT getting them, while getting myself more worked up and upset about it, almost crying, and he would continue to say no, he didn’t get the text messages (and then he called me his – I’m going to cry if I talk about this. he called me his special nickname, which is why I start bawling every time Pink sings ‘you called me sugar’ in ‘glitter in the air’, and no, the name wasn’t sugar).

So one time, he was actually answering, and we texted back and forth in a semi-conversation for a couple of minutes.

Then there was either 1. a misunderstanding because of the limitations of texting and not being able to clarify people’s meanings, or 2. we got hacked. Something weird happened.

He sent me a message that said something confusing and out of context, which had nothing to do with the message that I had just sent him. It was irrelevant. It said ‘You hear voices you give me notes wtf I know this nicole.’ It was as if he had just gotten a text message from me repeating something I had said earlier, as though my first text message had been resent to him. I didn’t understand why he was saying that, so I had to try to guess what was going on.

And I don’t recall the exact words, but I have them written down somewhere in my paper journal (they’re not on the phone itself anymore because I ran out of space for saved messages and had to delete the oldest ones, so I wrote them on paper), and I could look it up if I wanted to. He said something that sounded like he didn’t want to get a note from me. I might have misinterpreted it.

Then he stopped answering or texting. And I didn’t try texting him. I didn’t understand what was going on.

I spent the whole afternoon crying in agony with a pain in my chest as though my heart was being ripped out. I don’t recall the details of what he said but it sounded like a final rejection, like ‘leave me alone, stop stalking me,’ whatever, that kind of thing.

But I had to go to work that night. I cried for a really long time. Then I went to work and I saw him at work.

He came up to me right away and asked me, ‘Do you have a note for me?’ I said, ‘No! You told me not to!’ and then he gave me a sort of horrified, oh-my-god-this-is-weird look, and walked away. Obviously, he was just as surprised by this as I was. He hadn’t actually said whatever I thought he said.

So either we had a terrible misunderstanding, or else we got hacked, but whatever it was, like I said, I cried in agony for hours and hours and felt that my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

Because of my knowledge of hacking, I know that if anything strange happens, and it involves either 1. computers, 2. cell phones, 3. regular phones, or 4. people being forced to speak as puppets – because I know about this, I know not to do the Romeo-and-Juliet thing. I always said that Romeo and Juliet was a stupid play, and why would anyone in their right mind ever *LIKE* this play, from the very first time that I read it. I said they were idiots and I swore that I myself would never, ever be as stupid and idiotic as they were. And now that I’ve learned about hacking, I know that people can get hurt very, very badly by misunderstandings or by malicious interference, when, in reality, Juliet is only asleep because of a sleeping potion, or whatever it is that happened. However, I still get hurt very badly. There is a part of myself that knows that it could’ve been caused by malicious interference, but I still get hurt very badly.

I went out and took a walk

January 24, 2011

2:54 PM 1/24/11

I’m off work today. I wrote in the forums a bit and then wrote my blog and then I went out and took another walk by Fisherman’s Paradise. I was having an anxiety attack and I felt a bit better after taking a walk.

When I use what passes for my so-called ‘intuition,’ I end up blurting out whatever the voices tell me to say. The voices come from psychopathic button-pushing soul-murdering morons, so they don’t usually say nice things. When we listen to things that the psychopathic murderers say to us, we get hurt. I don’t like that. In a forum, I have to control what the voices are saying and make sure that I don’t accidentally say cruel and hurtful things to other people, but they’re usually not that obvious.

Instead, they say sneaky things, hidden messages, things with double meanings. They also put on a false persona that isn’t mine. It’s in the implications. It’s indirect. It’s what’s implied by my actions and by the things I say. I don’t usually catch it. I don’t know that I’m sending hidden messages but other people out there can see it and it hurts them or misleads them. That makes *ME* look like the murdering psychopath instead of the button-pushers putting voices in my head.

The voices get away with saying things if I take it as a ‘joke.’ I’m just making a cute little joke, ha ha. That’s the moment when they sneak in their messages that other people can see.

It bothers me a lot that there is more than one personality speaking for me. It isn’t as harmful if it’s just me alone writing in my blog. But when I am interacting with real people, ‘they’ can strike out and hurt people and I don’t want that to happen. I am a puppet. I sometimes say things that I am forced against my will to say, and I can’t control that.

I remember the time with Chris when I worked at Weis. Chris, my co-worker, had complimented my long hair (this was before my dreadlocks, so people still thought I had pretty hair). We were talking about it. ‘They’ suddenly got involved and acted as though this was a terrible threat, an urgent emergency, as though Chris and I were about to start having sex then and there at work. We were nowhere near any such thing and the conversation would have ended and I would have walked away and gone back to my normal life. I wasn’t going to get into a relationship with Chris. However, ‘they’ panicked at the time when this happened.

So they suddenly forced me to ‘neg’ him. I don’t ‘neg.’ I sometimes accidentally say mean things when I have PMS, but I don’t ‘neg’ people on purpose. However, this was clearly a ‘neg’ and they were making me read about the seduction game at the time this was going on, too, so I knew about negging.

I felt the ‘awkward pause,’ when they forced me to suddenly have nothing to say, and they forced me to feel anxiety about saying nothing, and so they suddenly forced me to say, ‘What is on your hat?’ in a disdainful voice. I myself didn’t really care about his hat. I could clearly see that he had stickers taped to his hat, and that it was a joke, and I thought it was funny, and I didn’t care. He had just taken some of the stickers that we used around the deli, like a bright orange sticker that says ‘PAID’ and that kind of thing, and put them on his hat. This didn’t bother me at all and I thought it was funny, and I didn’t mean to say anything about it at all, I just accepted it as normal.

But they forced me to say that, and it hurt his feelings and made him self-conscious, and he never trusted me again after that. It was one brief little puppet-speech incident that ruined an entire friendship. His behavior towards me afterwards – I described it as though you had a trusting dog that loved you, but all of a sudden one day you kicked it, unexpectedly, and it still loved you afterwards but it always approached you timidly, expecting that it might get kicked, but still trying to love you and go up to you to get petted, because most of the time you were nice.

That is the horrible evil of being a puppet. It totally destroys trust in relationships, and I hate them for doing that. I hate them.

How do you say to people that ‘the voices made me do it?’ A lot of people don’t believe that there literally ARE real, physical humans pushing buttons on a machine somewhere to force me to say puppet speech and think puppet thoughts. They believe, instead, that it’s some repressed fragment of myself lashing out at people, some Freudian slip, some secret feeling that I won’t admit that I feel. They’re going to blame ME for it and they’re going to think to themselves that I need to go get therapy to heal those fragmented inner selves, when in reality the only therapy I need is to put the button-pushing morons in jail – and ‘jail’ is a nice way of saying that I want them dead. I’m being nice, so it’s ‘jail.’ If jail would actually prevent them from attacking me, then jail would be fine.

(I’ve wondered about things like, what if prisoners sneak cellular phones or other radio devices into the prisons, and they can control their attack systems from inside the prison. Prisoners really do sneak cell phones into jail. Unfortunately, a large number of prisoners are innocent victimless-crime committers, like pot smokers, so I don’t want to make prison any worse than it already is for them. So I wouldn’t want to start pushing for harsher controls to prevent cell phones from getting in. Cell phones are probably the only thing making life bearable for all those people who shouldn’t be in there.)

Anyway.

I always get overexcited when I talk to real people. That’s what happens when you go years and years hiding in your room and just going to work and then going home. When I get excited about making friends or talking to people, then ‘they’ get involved in it too. When other people merge with me and get to know me, they also get to know the voices, and I wish that wouldn’t happen.

What’s the long-term goal of writing in the forum? What will I accomplish there?

resonant echoes

January 24, 2011

12:59 PM 1/24/11

‘I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever feelings I feel originally came from you.’

I’m resonating and echoing people’s feelings, who are resonating and echoing my feelings. This could lead to a feedback screech. I become unable to tell which ones are mine and which ones are theirs. I was merging with someone else’s strain and anxiety as they merged with my strain and anxiety.

Let’s everybody just calm down, shall we? (Lucius Malfoy). When I watched ‘The Chumscrubber,’ I went through the whole movie not recognizing Lucius Malfoy at all, until the very end, when his son told him that they had kidnapped somebody and he was all scared about it. The dad said something which sounded exactly like Lucius Malfoy saying ‘let’s everybody just calm down’ whenever they were all in the Department of Mysteries and Bellatrix Lestrange had just shouted at them for speaking Voldemort’s name. It was when the dad said this, something along the lines of ‘let’s calm down’ that I suddenly recognized Lucius Malfoy after not noticing him through the whole thing. I knew the big-picture dolphin guy was Voldemort, and also ‘the English patient’ if I recall – I saw that movie in college.

Anyway, Lucius Malfoy says for us all to calm down.

My mind gets really weird when I start using intuition. I’m able to babble senselessly with the best of them. I need to learn how to babble senselessly in an organized and productive way.

me me me, and the forum

January 24, 2011

12:28 PM 1/24/11

That was challenging.

I’m trying to talk in a forum about a subject that I know hardly anything about, to people who know a lot more than I do. It’s an extremely complicated and deep subject and there are a lot of disagreements between different theories.

Then I also start noticing people’s feelings while they’re writing back to me. I just noticed a painful strain of some kind from one person and I want to resolve it. My immediate response is, ‘Oh, no no no, don’t worry about me.’ This isn’t anything important, it was just some crap coming from the voices. I actually don’t care too much about this. So I’ll have to write that in there somehow. Sorry about that, it wasn’t ‘me,’ it was ‘them.’ I had a feeling of almost wanting to cry, and trying very hard to do something and be helpful.

I feel the difficulty of reading purely theoretical material, trying to understand what it’s talking about when I’ve never seen it before, and not knowing how it would be practically useful to me. I’m used to reading about things that are of immediate practical value. I read Edward de Bono, and he’s talking about techniques for how to use your brain. You can just start using the techniques right away. But when I read the abstract theories, I don’t know how to use them right away.

There is another bad thing going on, which is that I wrote the blog about how if I started a social movement, I was worried that I would be bombarded with people asking me out on dates. Then the next day I was hearing voices saying that people in the forum took that to mean ‘don’t ask her out on dates, don’t try to get close to her, don’t ask for anything personal.’ But the forum, and the social movement, are two different audiences. The social movement was going to be an ad on Craigslist. That is the sad truth. That was the method of getting people to see the link to the page about baldness. So it’s going to be seen by everyone in general, ordinary people. But the forum is a different group of people altogether. They are more intellectual and more book-reading and I hate to use the s-word, but, ‘smarter’ in general than the ‘average people’ looking at ads on Craigslist. Anyone who’s able to barely read is able to look at Craigslist, but the people in the forum are different from that. Whatever applies to the general audience on Craigslist isn’t going to apply the same way to people in the forum.

Everything I say probably makes it worse. It’s digging a deeper and deeper hole. I hate it when I say something that hurts someone’s feelings and then no matter how I try to explain it it gets worse.

So I have some anxiety now.

It’s strange to interact with real people who actually respond. They are so unpredictable. I’ve been quietly writing in my blog, in my isolated world, with few comments and a small number of readers. This is the ‘me me me’ world. Now I’m writing in a very active forum with a lot of members, and everything you say is going to be seen by a lot of people who are very active in writing back. You can write something and see responses from several different people in a few hours. Then you try to write back to them. It’s overwhelming. I would spend all day in the forum writing and interacting if I wanted to thoroughly talk and respond to everyone.

After some experience, I will be hardened, or I will make rules about how much time to spend there. Either way, eventually I will start dismissing people. Respond to this, ignore that. Right now I feel this duty to respond to everyone and everything, and I actually try to do it. There will be limits. It’s physically impossible to do everything that needs to be done. It’s almost funny to watch me as I try very, very hard to understand things that are impossible for me to understand. That is a clueless newbie.

I will have to define what my goals are and how to go about doing them. ‘Just talking about stuff for the heck of it’ is the hardest thing for me to do. Unless it’s talking about ‘me me me.’ Then it’s easy.

Waiting to go home

January 23, 2011

I have about ten minutes left.

I have the one and only google result for “bearded balding mullet” in quotes. I checked.

Time passed slowly today because I agreed to cover someone else’s shift and stay three hours longer than I otherwise would have.

My iPod autocorrects the spelling and gives me totally bizarre words sometimes. It needs to be programmed to recognize the shift key error. I often press the left shift instead of the letter A. Then I press the next letter. If it creates an unrecognized capitalized word then the spellcheck must be assuming it’s an unknown proper name. So I often get bizarre capitalized words or words with one capital letter in the middle of it. It should recognize that left shift is usually A. I push left shift by accident more frequently than I press it on purpose. I just let autocorrect capitalize all my letters, so I hardly need the shift key at all so I never push it.

Five minutes. Slow day. Dishes are mostly done. I always feel anxious when I fool around even if everybody else is standing and talking or texting. It feels like I’m the only one expected to keep working and if I stop I’ll get fired or reprimanded or something. That’s one reason they decided I was an enneagram three.

Warren Ellis

January 23, 2011

A musician named Warren Ellis is the best example I can find. I discovered him at this page: http://love-it-loud.com/top-ten/skullets-in-rock/. He is actually beautiful. He has beautiful eyes and beautiful hair.

Unfortunately, as I’m trying to find examples of baldness, he isn’t a very good example, because he wasn’t very bald when some of the full bearded pictures were taken. It looks like he changed his hair in later years and was partially cutting it, but early on he had slightly balding long hair and a longish full beard. This is the closest thing I can find to what I am looking for.

But like I said he was only a little bit bald. I want to find examples of people who are very bald on top but have grown the rest of it out plus a full beard.

http://love-it-loud.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/warren-ellis-300×300.jpg

http://images.theage.com.au/ftage/ffximage/2009/01/08/cover_narrowweb__300x404,0.jpg

http://exclaim.ca/images/up-nick_cave_warren_ellisLG.jpg

http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/46948603/Nick+Cave++Warren+Ellis+nickcaveand.png

(I always say they must have a beard but I mean only if their ethnic group can grow it. I am not going to go judging an ethnic group as inferior because they can’t grow a beard. This goes against my beliefs about hair. Do not compare results and do not compete to be ‘the best.’ Do not look at others as inferior. Instead, everyone is expected to follow the same rule regardless of the result.)

bearded balding mullet

January 23, 2011

11:59 PM 1/22/11

Okay, I remembered the word on the way to work. ‘They’ reminded me. The word I wanted was ‘mullet.’

The mullet is a frowned-upon, made-fun-of hairstyle. You cut the top short, but let the back grow long.

Some people shave parts of their heads and leave a long piece in the back. They call it a ‘skullet’ if you’ve shaved off most of your head and grown a mullet in the back.

A bald mullet or balding mullet is what I’m looking for. But I would call it a ‘bearded balding mullet’ because I require a full beard as well.

One website made words for each type of mullet. The ‘skullet’ is when you shave the top of your head deliberately. The ‘forced skullet’ is when you are going bald and you can’t help wearing a mullet because the hair is gone from the top of your head. So he called it a ‘forcekullet.’ He also described a ‘bullet,’ a balding mullet.

I’m just going to call it a bearded bald mullet or bearded balding mullet. This is the required hairstyle for bald people.

fridge circuit breaker

January 22, 2011

11:01 PM 1/22/11

Thank goodness, I think my little fridge is working again. I checked the circuit breaker. It was off. I think I know what happened. A couple days ago I accidentally left the fridge door open for a few minutes. It might have overloaded it, trying and trying to cool down with the door open. I remember walking out there and seeing that I had left the fridge door open. So a few minutes ago, I switched the breaker back on again and I heard a humming sound as though the motor had started back up. This is a relief.

Baldness: A big rant. Also, stuff about my fridge, the forum, the voices, and information categories. Very random.

January 22, 2011

1:18 PM 1/22/11

My little fridge suddenly was full of pools of water on every shelf the other day. It had defrosted itself. I don’t know if this caused it or not, but I had just recently closed the little door on the freezer section at the top. The freezer section door had been stuck open for a while and the little box was full of thick frost.

But also, we’ve had a couple of power outages recently too, brief intermittent ones, and maybe it got a power surge. Whatever, it’s not really working the way it should now. It’s slightly cold, but it doesn’t seem as cold as it was. It’s doing something but not enough.

Why is this a big deal, well, because I cooked bone marrow a while back and put it in the ‘real’ fridge, and it filled the fridge with vapors that make me sick when they land in my food and drink. I’ve aired it out, I’ve scrubbed it, I’ve sprayed it with bleach, but last time I tested a little cup of water that I put in there, I still had a reaction to it. So I bought a small ‘college dorm’ kind of fridge and I’ve been using that.

I’ll fix this, but it’s an urgent project that I didn’t want to have to do right this instant.

It’s Edward de Bono who uses single quotes. I went to his web page yesterday and I saw the single quotes thing all over the place. I knew I had seen it in an old book long ago, but I forgot that EDB had encouraged me to do it too. I’m thinking of Esme Squalor from Lemony Snicket’s books: ‘Single quotes are in.’

I’m enjoying the forum. Somebody said something to me whenever I wrote my welcome message to say that I was joining. I said I was nervous about joining the forum. This guy said it was ironic to worry about not fitting in, when this was an all-around personality types forum. I thought that was hilarious. In other words, all types are included here, because this is a forum about the various different types of people. (I realize there are some limits to this. Extremely obnoxious, hurtful, troll-like types might not be as welcome as others if they fill the forum with spam and mean comments. But I’m not that.)

‘Laughing a lot’ has been the theme of the past week. ‘They’ urged me to go read about metaphors, and it led me to read about mixed metaphors, and I laughed so hard I almost puked, which is what I wrote on my facebook page. I also laughed at some things people said in the forum, but I don’t remember all the details now. Then they used this as a way to get a picture of me with a real smile, because I don’t like to put on a fake smile for pictures, but I can smile if I think about something funny, so that is what they did, and they also had me take a walk by Fisherman’s Paradise, a place where I love to go. It’s a creek and the air around it seems to be full of negative ions, because I always get excited and refreshed when I go there. So going there and taking a picture was ‘their’ idea.

The forum is my online social life, the only thing that I have enough energy for right now. I can choose to interact with these people, but also, they will survive without me if I can’t. If I’m too busy or too sick for a while the forum will still go on without me.

****
They wanted to urge me to do something. I seem to have more than one controller and they do things differently. The most recent one has been behaving like an NF idealist, maybe, because they are trying to understand my way of doing things and customize things to work with me. They actually ask me why I won’t do something, instead of just screaming ‘DO IT! BECAUSE I SAID SO!’, that kind of attitude.

I am always skeptical about whether or not there really are ‘new people’ controlling and interacting with me. Sometimes it seems like there are.

Other times I think that they do this as a ‘reward’ for me – they torture me whenever I am doing something they don’t want me to do – for instance, the murderers were torturing me for weeks because my car registration was almost expired, and whenever they torture me, they never tell me the reason why they are doing it. So for weeks I was suddenly sitting straight up in bed because I was suddenly attacked with a ‘reflux up your throat’ attack which makes you panic and feel like you are going to vomit. It happens when you don’t feel sick at all, and when you haven’t eaten anything, and there’s no reason at all why you would suddenly, out of nowhere, have reflux up your throat. They did that to me years ago and they explained at some point that they did this whenever I had to fill out some kind of government paperwork that I wasn’t filling out.

Anyway that particular murderer who does things that way likes the ‘reward and punish’ paradigm, and so they also ‘reward’ me by being ‘nice’ to me and letting me talk to ‘nice’ people who don’t act like murderers, instead of talking to OBVIOUS murderers who do torture and cause pain and suffering and act like murderers.

As you can see, I don’t believe in the ‘reward and punish’ paradigm, but I’m not getting into that right now. That’s a long discussion and I don’t have time.

Well, anyway, the last couple days I have had nicer personas in my head. They seem more understanding of how to do things my way, and how to ask questions instead of just screaming at me that I must do it this way.

The new idea that they were asking me about was that they wondered why I didn’t start a social movement to encourage people to follow my grooming rules. They were actually ASKING WHY and listening to the answers and trying to understand what my reason was. We were looking at this from a Jungian functions point of view, because that’s something I’ve been reading about that I wasn’t familiar with. I have a brief tangent…

…I read about the Jungian functions long ago, but I dismissed them. I happened to read somewhere on some web page that somebody believed the Jungian functions were bad, and I never forgot that. Somebody thought that it was ‘reductionistic’ or something. It might have even been David Keirsey who disapproved of the idea of using the functions as separate functions.

There is the Myers-Briggs system, where you have one ‘whole type’ (ISFP for me). Then there is the Jungian Function Attitudes, where each function is a separate thing that you are able to ‘do,’ and everybody is able to use each function in different circumstances, but you prefer one function the most.

And somebody somewhere said it was ‘bad’ somehow to look at them as separate functions, so I went years and years and years IGNORING everything I read about the individual functions (Fe, Fi, Te, Ne, and so on) because it was a ‘mistaken belief system.’ But now that I’m looking at it again, it’s fascinating and useful and valuable, and I’m wondering which disinformation troll gave me the idea that it was bad. Some troll somewhere in the distant past had a long-lasting impact on me. They might not have done it intentionally, they might have been well-meaning and sincere, they might not really have been a ‘troll,’ but somebody convinced me that a valuable thing was worthless, and I went years and years believing it.

(Then there is the ‘overlay the Jungian Functions onto the Enneagram types’ approach, which I *TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH* and I actually need to get this straightened out so that I can continue a discussion on the forum. It’s a huge subject that has to do with information and categories, and ‘they’ have been talking to me about it, and I have this intuitive mental image of what ‘information’ looks like – it looks like a mountainous landscape with fractal waveforms, and within each mountain, there are smaller mountains, and each mountain represents a category, and the mountains can be large, medium, or small, and the largest ones are the fewest, and the smallest are the most common and least relevant – this is my ‘neurolinguistic programming.’ So I was using this metaphor to talk about what happens when you try to overlay one belief system on top of another belief system, based on ‘numbers.’ There might be five ‘mountains’ (categories) in one belief system, and nine ‘mountains’ in another belief system, and if somebody tries to lay one belief system on top of another one and force the categories to match up, well, that’s very bad. Those mountains might be drastically different sizes! Just because you have a ‘number’ of categories doesn’t mean that you can match it up with some other ‘number’ of categories in a different belief system. So that was last night’s discussion about why you can’t just lump together two different belief systems and say they’re the same.)

(I really like the one chart in the back of the book, and the book is a tiny little beginner’s intro to the enneagram, and it has these silly cartoon pictures in it of people. It’s a small yellow book and it’s somewhere in my boxes in storage so I can’t look at it. In the back it has a chart that shows a real-world observation of which Myers-Briggs types HAPPENED to fall into which enneagram types. The chart showed a dark gray color for the most common types, ranging to light gray for the least common ones, to fall into a particular enneagram type. I like that approach much better than trying to make a one-to-one correspondence between the Jungian functions and the enneagram types. The two systems are talking about two totally different things, with two totally different motives or forces behind them.)

Why was I on that tangent???

They were asking about the grooming rules and baldness. Baldness is a huge issue and it affects all of men’s decisions about their hair. Baldness is more common nowadays, probably because of drugs and plastic dental fillings. I don’t know all the causes. I know that I myself have a small amount of ‘male pattern baldness in females,’ which started at age 20. My temples receded. Then when I hit age 30 I had a whole bunch of hair fall out at once, tons and tons of it. (I did research, read about ‘telogen effluvium,’ and memorized that phrase.) I have a thin spot on the upper right side of my head and I’ve speculated about what caused it, but that’s another story and I don’t have time today. (Dental fillings? Barrettes pulling too hard on the roots? Chemical styling products? and so on.)

While asking me about this, we viewed me as using my ‘feeling’ function, a decision-making function, a judging function. It judges things as good or bad for me according to my moral values.

(I want to talk someday about how the Myers-Briggs test is worded, and how the wording causes people to make the wrong choices on the test. I don’t view this as ‘feelings.’ To me, ‘feelings’ are what happen when I’m listening to a song and I burst into tears, or get goosebumps, or when I’m terrified of going to meet somebody that I have a crush on, that kind of thing. ‘Feelings’ are not the same as what I’m using whenever I make moral-based decisions and plans in my mind. I don’t sit there getting goosebumps or bursting into tears while I’m making my plans. Enneagram Three has a ‘scrambling of the thinking and motion centers,’ and the ‘feeling center’ is ‘separated’ somehow. You are in either ‘feeling mode’ or ‘functioning mode.’ It doesn’t feel like ‘feelings’ to me whenever I’m making plans based on my moral values. It feels like ‘thinking.’ Sorry, lots of quotes there.)

(Also, long ago I was reading Ayn Rand’s books, and you were going to go to hell if you made decisions based on feelings instead of based on reason, so I would never, ever answer a question on a test and say that I made decisions based on feelings… so that made it hard to give accurate answers on the Myers-Briggs test, and I was coming up as ‘INTP’ and ‘INTJ’ in the beginning, because Ayn Rand liked me better that way.)

So anyway, if I can ever get through all these tangents. And still have time to get ready for work.

They were asking me about my feelings, and this time, I tolerated calling them feelings. My feelings about why I would or wouldn’t do something. My evaluation. My values. Even if I didn’t burst into tears or anything. They were still feelings.

They had asked me why I wasn’t trying to start a social movement to encourage people to grow their hair long, and also grow a beard (if their ethnic group has beards, if they’re not Native American or something), while also going bald. This is the worst taboo of all. Even natural afros are less taboo than balding long hair. Natural afros have their devotees, and there are websites supporting men and women who want to grow out their natural afros. But I didn’t find any websites supporting bald men who want to grow the remainder, the ‘ring’ around the back of their head. So this is a taboo. But I believe in it.

Well, one reason why I didn’t start this social movement was because of a couple conflicts. I would want to see and interact with people locally. I like the idea of local groups meeting in person and supporting each other in the real world.

However, I imagined that if I made an advertisement and web page supporting the bald long hair movement, and allowed the men to contact me and meet me in person, then I was going to get bombarded with hundreds of men asking me to go out on dates or have sex. This inevitably happens whenever you are interacting with single men and telling them that yes, you exist, and yes, you are a worthwhile human being, which is what I want to tell them. I just don’t want to be bombarded with hundreds of sex requests. Not all of them would ask for sex, but a large number of them would. I have been on dating websites and I know. There are many men capable of restraining themselves and not asking. There are many men who will ask you lots of times, but they still take ‘no’ for an answer, but they’ll try again and ask again, and it’s a nuisance, and I don’t enjoy rejecting them and hurting their feelings. I’m not saying that I would be raped, I’m just saying that I don’t like hurting people’s feelings and rejecting them over and over again. It’s painful every single time I have to say ‘no’ to somebody.

So we were clarifying this: There is a difference between ‘social aesthetic value,’ the beauty of long hair, the pleasantness of looking at a room full of long-haired people instead of short-haired people, especially in a group where everyone looks that way and you don’t feel deprived and frustrated – versus the ‘I want to have sex with you’ value. Just because I enjoy someone’s physical appearance DOES NOT mean that I want to have sex with that person. I want to change people’s physical appearance, both men and women, but I don’t want to have sex with every single human being that exists.

This is something that nudists would understand right away. Nudity is not sexual. Nudity has nothing to do with sex. Naked people have nothing to do with sex. If I were talking to a nudist, they would be jumping up and down and shouting ‘YES!’ about this, because I understand. Peeping toms who spy on naked people, and get sexually excited about it, are ridiculous. Everyone should be naked all the time and there would be no need to hide in the bushes and spy on people. We would wear clothing only if we were cold, or if we wanted to prevent a sunburn. We could wear bits of clothing to be purely decorative if we wanted to. But we wouldn’t wear clothing to hide the erogenous parts of our bodies. We would simply accept that it is normal to look at people’s bodies and to feel sexual feelings and desires when we look at them. And meanwhile, we wouldn’t do stupid things like circumcise our children or force them to stop breastfeeding before they’re ready to stop.

Well anyway. So ‘they’ were asking, what if I made an anonymous ad and website promoting balding long hair (and I’ve been thinking about an easy way to say that, because it’s hard to say, and I need some kind of phrase that will describe this phenomenon), without giving any contact email or telling them who I am. It would be anonymous and I would not interact with them. And I would set up a Flickr group and ask people to post pictures of their progress over the months as they grew their hair and their beards (if possible).

I *ALMOST* agreed that it would be okay to do this. The interaction would be limited and I would not be bombarded with dates and sex requests from men who were delighted by the fact that I told them they exist and that they are beautiful and worthwhile. Because that is exactly what I want to tell them, but I also don’t want to be bombarded with their needs. It is overwhelming.

Nobody else, anywhere (well, I’m sure a few people have), has told bald men the specific thing that I want to tell them. Almost everyone else is telling them ’embrace baldness – shave it all off.’ Nobody else is telling them, ‘Argus Filch is doing the right thing.’ Or that butler guy on ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show.’ Or Devin Townsend. (They don’t have beards, but they have long bald hair. Devin Townsend had a partial beard. I saw another picture of him with a completely bald head, so I guess he shaved it all off later. Why don’t you go ahead and shave your eyebrows and cut your eyelashes off then! Hair is bad!)

Sigh… I have to go to work today, soon.

I guess I’ll post this and reread it and then get ready to go. I’ll have to have a hair-and-grooming rant sometime later on.

Anyway we were asking, is there anything I can gain by doing this if I won’t be seeing the men in the real world, or even knowing for sure whether I had an impact on anybody or changed anybody’s behavior. People might read it, and a tiny minority would, actually, change their grooming habits, even if only a little bit. Even if only ‘I’ll let my bald hair grow a visible ring around the back, but I’ll keep it short.’ For God’s sake, just grow a ring around the back! What is so wrong with that! Why does it have to be absolutely, totally, completely bald! Your face was always bald! It’s just that the dividing line moved backwards! If your face was always bald, then you ought to have ’embraced baldness’ from the moment you were born, because some parts of your body have ALWAYS been bald!… I don’t have time for this. Gotta go.