Archive for January, 2014

faithless

January 31, 2014

12:12 PM 1/31/2014

This is the incident that happened the other day.  JR and I have been messaging each other on facebook, as I’ve said.  So we are usually not talking to each other in real time.  But the other night he started responding at the same time that I was writing to him, although I had not yet progressed to using the facebook chat yet, so I was just sort of refreshing the page to see if I had any new messages yet.  

For some reason, I got the impression (which was wrong) that he had just come from someplace else and was driving his car, while we were texting each other, and I thought he was actually on his way to come see me that very instant, when I was in town sitting someplace using the wifi.  I’m not sure what exactly gave me that impression.  I panicked thinking that he was driving and texting, so I called him on the phone instead, so that he would not have to text.  I was frantically answering him in almost-real-time and was terrified, thinking that I was trying to give him directions to where I was, while he was driving, and I thought he would be confused and might have an accident or something, trying to look for a place to park and look for me and figure out where I was.  That was why I just broke down and called him on the phone instead.

It turned out that this was all wrong.  He was really at home.  There was no emergency.  So we chatted a little bit on the phone.  I ended up walking someplace out on the sidewalk when the temperature was very, very, very cold, and my fingers started to freeze as I held the phone to my ear, so I started looking for a place to go inside while I talked on the phone.  

But, two things went wrong.  First, he was involved in trying to do something with his computer while he was simultaneously talking to me on the phone.  I felt like I was unimportant.  Normally, if we had been in a more secure, long-term relationship, I would have understood that he was just busy doing something.  But I am still very insecure, and we do not really have a strong relationship yet.  I still don’t know how it is going to work out.  I know I have strong feelings for him, but I imagine his feelings for me are probably not as strong.  So this was a ‘Your computer is more important than me!’ moment – a classic mistake in relationships, a ‘man thing’ (or, theoretically, it can also be done deliberately as an insult).  

Second, I actually heard a tone in his voice that sounded almost like disdain, boredom, contempt, and indifference.  And it was weird, his voice on the phone actually sounded like my ancient, long-ago ex-boyfriend Terry, from my teenage years.  It was a strong resemblance.  Now, I don’t like talking on the phone, and I have nothing to say, and it’s better to see each other in person, but still, I felt like all of a sudden there was nothing to say, and we were both bored.  We did have a few moments of good conversation, except I couldn’t remember the funniest part of the ‘punch line’ of what I was trying to tell him, and had to tell the punch line as an abstraction, which was much less funny.  He still laughed, just to be nice.  He was trying to use voice commands on his computer, and I could hear him, and I told him about my dad using voice commands on the GPS, and how it couldn’t understand him, and he was telling it to go to the Greyhound Bus Station, and it kept misunderstanding him and saying, ‘DID YOU SAY X?’ but I couldn’t remember all the specific mistakes it made, and they were hilarious, this distorted nonsense that vaguely sounded like ‘bus station.’  That was the failed punch line of my story.  You know, it was ridiculous nonsense, like, ‘DID YOU SAY “GREY HOUNDUS TAYSHUN?”‘ and Dad would say, ‘No,’ and then try again.  

He got off the phone so he could finish struggling with his computer – he told me later on that something went wrong with it and it died, but I didn’t know what happened, it was just some technical problem.  He said he would call me back, but he didn’t call back.  It’s these little things.  Again, in a secure, mature, fully developed relationship, these things wouldn’t matter, but this is a fragile, insecure, new relationship, and I am much older and uglier than he is, and I have much more reason to worry that his feelings for me won’t be as strong as my feelings for him.  

So I went home that night and pushed my bike up the hill, and while I pushed the bike, I stared at the ground, traumatized, trying to understand that there are no duals.  Socionics came into my mind, but really, I would have been doing something similar in my mind even without socionics.  I was trying to reshape or reframe my understanding of him.  I was saying, in some way, he is essentially wrong – this relationship will fail.  I was saying that the relationship was doomed and there was no hope, and I knew it.  But since I know socionics, socionics was used as the explanation for why the relationship was wrong – it must be because he’s an ILE – he’s the wrong type, forever and ever.  The concept was:  for some unknown reason, this relationship is permanently doomed, forever, and he is essentially wrong for me, forever, for unchangeable reasons that I cannot control.  With or without socionics, I would have been thinking thoughts along those lines.  You don’t need socionics to say to yourself, ‘This relationship is doomed, forever,’ and that’s the essence of what I was saying.  I just said ‘It’s because he’s an ILE.’

Steve calls me on the phone and leaves messages occasionally.  The next day after this happened, I returned his call.  We talked for a bit, and as always, he asked what I was doing – I was in the process of trying to run some errands.  I don’t like having ‘help’ when I am trying to get stuff done, and if he goes along with me, I get distracted and forget what I want and what I need to do.  But I told him I was going to Home Depot, and this was one of those pointless, trivial errands that are not worth having someone’s help, but nevertheless, he offered to drive me there when I had been planning to take the bus.  He’s still using the car that belongs to all the roommates at the house where he stays.  I wasn’t even going to buy anything, I just wanted to look at something that I might possibly need to buy in the future for a project.  

But I decided to let him take me to Home Depot.  I was having a faithless moment.  Last time I had seen Steve, I had just recently fallen in love and did not want to do anything at all to disrupt it, so I battled against him and ended up leaving without sex.  This time, I had just been traumatized by a phone call where just a few tiny details went wrong, which meant that the relationship was doomed forever and ever and could never be fixed.  

So I went with Steve to Home Depot, and then he wanted to take me out to eat, because I said I was hungry.  But when I said I was hungry, I actually got off the phone with him and got something for myself to eat, but it was terrible – I bought these chicken wings from a place that sells hot food, in sort of a general store, McClanahan’s, and someone had overcooked the wings and they were bone dry and barely edible.  So, I actually did want more food after that.  I just didn’t know what I wanted, because I was a little bit sick, and when someone is asking you which fancy-schmancy restaurant you want to go to, when you’ve already eaten a little bit of bad food, on a slightly upset stomach, when you really didn’t want to go on this errand with them anyway, then it’s hard to decide what you want.  

He took me to PJ Harrigan’s.  We had tried to go there before, but it was closed at the time, so he took me there again.  It turned out that, as usual, it was exactly the type of place that every fiber in my body and soul would utterly loathe – and I’m coming to expect this from my duals and activators – they *ALL* love ‘Sports Bar’ types of places, ALL OF THEM, and I am just going to have to endure this.  PJ Harrigan’s is just another ‘sports bar.’  It has sports memorabilia and celebrity memorabilia.  I questioned whether the things were authentic.  This is Abraham Lincoln’s handkerchief with his last noseblow still on it, with the words ‘With Love, Abraham Lincoln’ embroidered on it.  We got it on eBay for $1,500,000.  Are you sure that thing is real?

I walked in and got a whiff of alcohol, which instantly repulsed and disgusted me.  All I have to do is smell someone else’s alcohol and I am sickened merely to be in that place.  I *hate* *hate* *hate* alcohol.  Alcohol is like being in a nightmare.  My dad’s mother died of cirrhosis from alcohol.  Last time I was with Dad, when I visited them just a few weeks ago, I glanced at my dad’s face and I noticed that he had a deformity of the philtrum, the dented line that goes from your nose to your lips, which means he was an alcohol baby, and he also has some problems with his eyes.  His philtrum is shallower than it’s supposed to be, although not completely smooth.  My brother and I swore that we would never drink, and to this day I have not, except for sips of communion wine and a few tiny sips of other people’s drinks on very rare occasions just to taste them, when offered.   

I ate a little bit of food, but it didn’t agree with me, and I had to take it out in a box.  This was not at all what I wanted, and I would not have gone here if you paid me, except he did pay me, because he bought the food, and I let him buy it for me, although I paid the tip.  I have let him pay for my food the last couple times he has seen me, and, by all means, if he wants me to be an ungrateful bitch, then he should just keep paying for all my meals.  I was ungrateful this time.  I know that I was an ungrateful bitch.  

After that, he took me to his apartment, and we did have sex, but I won’t go into all the details.  At the time, I felt that this new relationship that I was attempting to start up was actually doomed to be a not-so-good relationship if we could even have a relationship at all.  (Again, even if I had not known anything about socionics, I was already feeling that way, just because a few small things went wrong.  But I framed it as being a ‘socionics’ problem, even though it was not – I’ve changed my mind again and I’m sure he’s a dual, but things still went wrong anyway.)  I might as well just keep on being with Steve – that was how I felt at the time.  I was still telling Steve about it though.  I had told him before that I had fallen in love with someone.  I told him this time that we were still communicating and I was still trying to start a relationship, and I told him I anxiously wanted to get online to check my messages and write to him.  

So, then I tried to sleep, but I was being tortured – they were forcing me to kick my legs constantly – and I was covered in horrible tobacco residues from Steve.  So I slept NOT AT ALL that night, until much, much later, when I finally dozed off just a bit.  It was a horrible night, and I had to work that day!  And I *swore* that I would *never* do anything with Steve on the night before I had to go to work, but I did it again!  I was FURIOUS with myself and furious with Steve.  

I do love Steve, in a way, and love being with him, and he makes me laugh, and I know that he is special.  I don’t write down all the funny things he says, and I can’t remember them all.  I had told him that I was probably going to wake up at 3:00 in the morning and beg him to take me back to my tent because I couldn’t sleep – and I was right, I couldn’t sleep, and wanted to go home – but I didn’t ask him to take me home, because by then, I was so miserably exhausted that all I could do was just lie there, in agony, being tortured by electronic attackers making my legs kick, and tortured by tobacco residues, and maybe by the apartment’s wi-fi too, I don’t know.  He said he saw that I had restless legs, and he mentioned that he had seen a nutritional supplement for that, but I just kind of said ‘oh yeah,’ and dismissed that idea, because I felt pretty sure I knew what was causing me to have restless legs, and it wasn’t a nutrient deficiency.    

In the middle of the night, after I got up to go to the bathroom for the 10th or 15th time, he woke up and turned on the light and talked to me.  The cat got into the room when I opened the door, and his name is Oscar.  Steve said, ‘I’m thinking, what I’m going to do is, I’m taking Oscar back to the tent.’  This made me laugh.  He meant that he was offering to take me back to the tent, but we were petting Oscar, and he juxtaposes things like that and always makes me laugh.  (When it got very cold outside, he suggested that I should tell my mom to bring the horses into the house.)  

I was very annoyed and becoming more angry as the night went on.  The tobacco residues always make me angry – it’s just a side effect of tobacco itself.  But I was angry because I had done this on a work night, angry because I had fallen in love and was now tortured and uncertain because maybe I had just done something terrible, maybe I had just done a major trust violation to someone who really *was* being nice to me, and he hadn’t actually said ‘no’ – in fact, he has been saying ‘Yes, let’s try,’ instead of ‘No.’  So, he didn’t say no, he just had a tone of voice that I didn’t like, and a few other small things went wrong, and maybe it wasn’t so hopeless after all, and here I was in some other guy’s apartment being unfaithful, unable to sleep, covered in tobacco, and having to go to work later that day.  And I had eaten at a restaurant that I didn’t like.  I was angry at myself for being unable to say no, and for being unfaithful and distrusting.  I was angry at Steve for ‘forcing’ me to do all this, even though he uses gentle force and I am perfectly capable of saying no if I strongly insist.  I was mad at myself for not being strong.

So we got up the next morning after my brief little nap, and I wanted some more coffee.  I was being bitchy, and I was making less effort than usual to hide my bitchiness.  Usually, I suppress my bitchiness and I apologize for it, telling him that it’s merely the tobacco that’s making me bitchy.  This time, I did not say that it was merely the tobacco making me bitchy.  Now, I was bitchy because I had fallen in love and could not get online to check my email that night.  I had gone to Steve’s apartment, and even though they have wifi, I didn’t know the password, and the guy who knew the password was asleep so I couldn’t ask him.  So I went all that evening eagerly wishing I could check for a message, and being unable to get online.  I didn’t want to be there.  

And the next morning, I was being an ungrateful bitch.  I told him I hadn’t slept well, and I described it as ‘horrible,’ and made him feel guilty.  I made little effort to redirect the blame away from him the way I normally would have.  I didn’t really *say* anything awful, it was just my irritable tone of voice, and just a teensy bit less blame-redirecting than I usually do – I protected him from my bad mood slightly less than I normally would.  I didn’t come out and say anything that was directly hurtful or mean.  But I could tell from his behavior that he felt guilty and he was perceiving my bad mood.  

Then, we had to decide where to take me.  My bike was stuck at the library, and I had to go home to get my work uniforms.  I was very annoyed about both of those things.  I had to go get my bike, and I had to go get my uniform, and I wished I could sleep for just a few hours, but knew I wouldn’t, as I would still have on tobacco-covered clothing.

Steve suggested that I take my bike wheel off, and we would put the bike into the trunk of the car.  This is something that I would never do on my own, but, it turns out, my duals and activators, or men in general, are able to think of such things.  I noticed this and was grateful for it, but was also annoyed by it – I didn’t want to fool with taking the wheel off, and was scared that it wouldn’t go back on properly, as there was so much road salt and junk on the wheel, and if it wouldn’t go back on properly, I would die or break my neck in an accident.  I was just sort of superstitiously paranoid about not wanting to take the wheel off, for no particular reason that I could explain.  But I took his suggestion, and we got the bike into the trunk, and then he took me to the tent.  

While we were putting the bike into the trunk, he went and added another coin to the parking meter, even though I tried to tell him not to – we were there, we were looking at it, we could see that nobody was walking around checking the meters, but still he conscientiously added another coin.  Oh well.  That was a socionic moment.  I wasn’t mad at him for that, I was actually sort of protective and accepting about it.  

While we were at the library picking up my bike, I was being an ungrateful bitch again.  I told him that I really wanted to get online and check my email, in an irritated tone of voice.  And I wasn’t hiding the fact that I was openly ‘cheating’ on him by checking for a message from the other guy who I had fallen in love with, and I had also openly told him that I had wanted to get online and check my email while I was at his apartment, too, but that’s when I found out that the other roommate was asleep and I could not ask for the password.  I was being a bitch by just blatantly, brazenly wanting to check for emails from this other guy, while I was with Steve.  

But I did finally get online at the library.  And, of course, after all that doubt and unfaithfulness, he was still continuing to be nice to me, and he was still encouraging me to continue writing to him.  So I sent him another reply.  This was a relief to me.  

So, I am not sure how openly I actually said the words ‘I want to check for an email from that other guy.’  I might have suggested it, I might have directly or indirectly said it – I know that I vaguely referred to ‘check my email’ but I might not have been quite so cruel as to say ‘from the other guy.’  I was being slightly cruel and irritated, but not horribly deliberately cruel and ungrateful.  However… I was approaching that point.  And I do not like myself when I am that way.

I believe in polyamory in principle.  And I know from experience what happens when I collect four stray cats over a period of months.  The cats come in one at a time.  Each new cat must be individually seduced and persuaded to come in.  I was visiting my ex-boyfriend when he still lived in the trailer park, when the trailer park still existed, when the real estate bubble hadn’t happened yet and those #!@#%$Q#W hadn’t sold the land yet and made millions.  First we collected Ollie, the big fat neutered male who had been one of the neighbors’ cats.  We sort of knew where he came from.  At first we thought he was a girl, and I called him ‘Olivia,’ like a black olive, because he was big, black, and round.  Then we decided he was a boy, so he became Oliver.  When they’re neutered, it’s harder to tell.  

Then, next came Snipe.  Snipe was a challenge.  If I could guess the sociotype of a cat, I’d say Snipe was a SLI, and he reminds me of my McD coworker Eric.  He was black too, like Ollie, but skinny.  He would dash across the porch and steal a couple bites of food, like a ninja, and then dash away fast before anyone could catch him.  I seduced him gradually by following him into the yard while he walked away.  He would turn and look back at me as I followed him, then would run and hide.  I’d continue slowly, gently, persistently following him, like in a zombie movie, letting him run away as fast as he wanted, but relentlessly following him – until finally, I would give up and just go back inside and let him go.  He would never be hurt or traumatized.  He would always know that he was faster than me and he could run away whenever he wanted.  He still had freedom.  Somehow, one day I got close enough to touch him.  Maybe I brought a bowl of food in my hand, too.  After I touched him, he discovered that he loved to be touched, and so he would come back to be petted again and again, and from then on, he was ours.  It was a great achievement when I could finally touch Snipe.

Next was Patch.  She was a calico.  She would peek through the cat door with huge, wide, terrified eyes, to see if anyone was around when she came to steal the food off the porch.  She saw that other cats were eating here, and she realized that she could eat here too.  She was easier.  I was able to pet her pretty quickly.  But she brought some interpersonal dynamics into our group – she got jealous when I petted any of the other cats, and she would climb onto my lap and get in the way and demand to be petted at the same time.  

Last was Alexander, my true love.  Alex was a classic tabby, with a bullseye on the side, circles of stripes within stripes.  You can google it – it’s a circle on the side of their belly.  I’ve told the story of seducing Alexander many times.  He would sneak onto the porch to eat the food, and I would lay my fingers on top of his head, while he snarled in fear and distrust.  One day, I decided not to lay my fingers on top of his head while he ate.  I just kneeled there and watched and stood guard over him while he ate.  But I hadn’t touched him, and when he was done eating, he came over to me and pressed his head against my hand to say, ‘Why didn’t you touch my head today?’  After that, he was mine forever.  

We had four cats, and Alex was my favorite, and Snipe was probably my second favorite, but I also loved Patch a lot – and I felt like Ollie didn’t like me very much, so I didn’t give him as much attention, and that was okay, because Eric (my ex-boyfriend, not the coworker who reminds me of Snipe) always petted Ollie.  I loved all of them, but if I ever gave too much love to one of them, the others were left out.  Snipe would sit on my lap, but then, later, I always had Alexander on my lap, and felt guilty for not having room for Snipe.  But I still loved them all and continued to give them attention and would let Snipe curl up on my lap if Alex wasn’t there.  

I’m telling this story because I learned that it’s possible to give love to several different people at once, but it does cause imbalances and jealousies, and it does cause a hierarchy to form, and you always have favorites and preferences, and it makes some people feel left out.  

I was thinking of this that day, wondering, would I continue seeing Steve and JR at the same time?  Specifically, would I *have sex* with two people at the same time?  I could continue being friends with Steve but not having sex, and if all goes well, I think that is probably what I will do.  But if I feel as though JR really doesn’t like me that much or he’s just tolerating me or he has disdain for me, then I might go back to having sex with Steve for a while.  I don’t know yet how it will turn out.  I haven’t been able to see him in the real world since he left TB.  I don’t know if the bond with him will be strong, and whether his attraction to me is as strong as my attraction to him.  I feel like just because I love him, he *must* love me in return, because here we are, and there’s all this love, and it’s amongst both of us – but in reality, it’s only inside me, just me alone, and he might not be feeling it.  His feelings are not necessarily the same as mine.  

I do have to go get ready for work.  

I *hated* myself the next morning as I walked home to my tent.  I was furious with myself for going over to Steve.  I was furious with myself for not being strong.  I hated myself for being unfaithful and risking everything.  What if JR knew what had happened?  What if I told him that I had sex with Steve during this time period when I am attempting to gradually develop a bond with JR?  I felt like I had taken a stupid, stupid risk, that I had risked something really wonderful for something that I hadn’t really wanted to do that much anyway.  I do still love Steve in a way.  And I haven’t ‘sealed’ the bond with JR yet, until I see him in person again and hug him and interact with him in the real world instead of in writing.  I still feel stupid and humiliated, right now, as I write this, and it feels inexcusable, even though I sort of know why I did it.  I can’t make that feeling go away – it’s still here.  

Not only that, but my clothes still are covered in tobacco, and even though I went to the hotel and took a shower, I got back into my dirty clothes and felt the tobacco reaction again.  Until that is gone, my feelings won’t go back to normal.  And, once again, I hate myself for being weak and being unable to say no to a tobacco-user, even though I’ve told him I’m sensitive to his tobacco.  He doesn’t understand that the residues are on his skin, and they’re going through my skin, and I haven’t made the huge effort necessary to explain it all to him.  I can’t expect him to get rid of his belongings to rid himself and his whole life of tobacco residue, but that is what would be needed.

Again, I will doggedly continue – talking, bonding, gradually approaching, and hoping to see JR in person again, while he continues encouraging me and saying ‘let’s try,’ but we somehow haven’t gotten a chance to actually meet yet, and the time goes by. 

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!@#!$!@#$j He suddenly became a dual again.

January 31, 2014

I just spent several minutes chatting with him online, and he magically transformed back into a dual.  I mean, I’m glad about that, but this is annoying. 

Okay, SEE, not ILE

January 30, 2014

The voices in my head were flipping out today and urgently telling me he’s an SEE, not an ILE.  Why would I mistype him as ILE?  Because I can recognize several things:  1. that he is not my dual, 2. that he is using some kind of a function that I myself have and value (according to Model B), 3. that he is using another function that I also have but that is weak and disvalued, 4. that he is an irrational extravert, but 5. he is not so ‘far away’ as to be in the opposing quadra, and it’s relatively easy for me to recognize a SLE, and he’s not a SLE.  So all this applies to both the ILE and the SEE. 

‘They’ were freaking out so much about this that they wanted me to tell him right away that I had made a mistake about his type, and they wanted me to tell it to him RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT, while I was trying to work at McD, as though it mattered that much and was life-or-death.

That was written after a good night’s sleep

January 29, 2014

I wrote that post today, this afternoon, but last night it was much harder for me.  I was trying to get together with him, and was having some misunderstandings as we were communicating through facebook messages.  Finally I used the phone as a last resort, and that was when I suddenly recognized his type as ILE.  I ended up not getting together with him, and I went home, but did not cry – I just stared blankly at the ground, staring and staring and staring at the ground as it moved beneath my feet as I pushed my bike up the hill.  I knew I needed to sleep.  I was trying to understand that he was not a dual.  There are no duals.  When I find them, I am not sure of their type.  I know a couple things I can do to try again to find a dual – I can do what I did at first, where I put up an ad online.  I was actually much more upset and traumatized about it last night as I was going home, but it got better overnight when I slept.  It helps now that it makes sense.  I can understand our communication difficulties and I know that I am not able to give him the particular type of responses he needs because I am not an SEI or ESE.  I really want to understand Alexander Bukalov’s Model B – it’s really true that the SEI and the SLI are not using the same type of sensing, and the plus and minus signs are real.  I can’t just use my base function sensing to give him what he needs.  It doesn’t work.  It’s not the same type of sensing.

Semi-Dual

January 29, 2014

I figured out last night that my dear Jesse is an ILE, not an IEE as I had thought.  I had been having mysterious communication challenges that were hard for me to figure out, and finally it all fit together after a brief phone call.  I hadn’t worked with him long enough at TB to figure out his type.  I had considered LIE and ILE at first, then changed my mind and decided he was an IEE, and that was a mistake.  But on the phone it suddenly became obvious he was an ILE.  It wasn’t obvious from the online messages.  So, in retrospect, all of my theories and explanations that relied upon his being an IEE are actually true of the ILE as well.  I’ll have to go edit all my blog posts. 

Delta NFs ignoring time pressure in the workplace, as they focus on social interactions instead

January 28, 2014

3:27 PM 1/28/2014

I forgot to finish explaining this.  I mentioned it in the previous post, then wandered off to another topic.  I have had experiences where Delta NFs have trouble managing time in the workplace.  It’s interesting to me, and I don’t know which socionic functions are involved.  It’s actually something that I love about them, in a way, and it makes me feel protective, rather than judging them or being angry at them for it.  I want to protect them against the other people there who *do* want them to work urgently within the time limits.  

I talked about Peter, who would take an extremely long time to do the dishes and the lobby.  Other people complained about how long he took and compared him to other peole who were able to do it faster.  I couldn’t really explain what exactly Peter was doing that took so long.  He seemed to move slowly, and I thought it was because of his diabetes.  It was true, he did move slowly partly because of his illnesses and his drugs, but that wasn’t all.  

I had an incident with Steve once.  We were going to get on the bus and go somewhere.  But then my coworker Maggie ran into us, on the sidewalk, and chatted a little bit, and then I think she asked us if we had change for a $5 bill.  Steve started getting out his wallet and handing her the change, and the bus came while we were doing this, and it was parked right there next to us.  We were only a few feet away.  I didn’t rush them, and I don’t like telling people to hurry, but Steve was chatting and taking a really long time, somehow, to hand her this $5 in ones.  Somehow they took too long, and then the bus started moving.  I ran after it, waving my arms, but it ignored me and drove away.  Oops!  Steve didn’t seem to understand that the bus was there right now, that we had to hurry, that he couldn’t chitchat, that he had to pull out the dollar bills as fast as possible and then say goodbye.  Talking and interacting with Maggie was more important than catching the bus.  He was involved in a human interaction in this immediate moment, and it was more important than anything else going on in the world.  

The same kind of thing happened with this guy who I am trying to connect with now, JR.  In the workplace, when I first went in on the first day that I saw him, he said hello to me right away and started chatting about random things, even though he was supposed to be working at the table making food.  It was as though the little universe in which he interacted with me was a separate universe, and it was more important than the universe of work.  The customers were going through the drive-thru and coming up to the counter and were waiting for their food, but nothing mattered in the universe except chatting with me about random things.  

And I didn’t mind.  I felt like I was part of that universe with him.  Suddenly, work didn’t matter, for real.  I realized, work really doesn’t matter.  There really is no reason why we should be doing these things, urgently rushing, squeezing all the food production into the smallest possible time, being efficient.  I think this is probably my demonstrative function, +Ti/-Te.  I’m not sure, though.  But I remember that ‘efficiency of work’ is part of that function.  It’s a disvalued function for me, and it competes with my duals’/activators’ +Fi/-Fe function.  And that’s what I always noticed – whenever they were ‘ignoring time’ and ‘not hurrying enough,’ they were having a social interaction which was more important than being efficient, more important than following a schedule, more important than the urgent work going on around them.  

And I always loved them for that, and felt angry if anyone would rush them or push them.  Those people were in the wrong universe – they believed that all this rush-rush-rush stuff actually mattered.  I didn’t want to live in that universe, I wanted to live in the universe where you stop what you’re doing and focus all your attention on some human being who you are having a close, personal interaction with.  Human feelings are my reason for existence, that feeling of being understood, being seen, being emotionally touched by somebody.  Why am I alive?  What am I here for?  Why am I working?  Why does anything matter?  Nothing matters if I am isolated and no one knows or cares or understands what I am feeling.  There is no reason to exist without that.  

So I am happy when I see these duals and activators ignoring the time limits and failing to be efficient and failing to do all the urgent work at the exact second that it needs to be done.  They do that because they care about other things that are more important to them and me both.  

When I’m working with them, I try to find a balance between having our conversations and getting my work done.  I have a suspected female dual at McD who often talks to me, and I will stop what I’m doing and talk and listen to her, but a few minutes later, I will try to (gently) start getting myself back to work.  She has several male SLI guys there who like her, and she doesn’t always talk to just me alone, she talks to them too.  My McD workplace actually has a surprising number of Deltas now.  I know quite a few SLIs and LSEs, and a couple IEEs and a suspected EII.  I am actually amazed that there are so many of us there.  They all seem to get along well and like each other.  

My workplace at TB is the exact opposite – I have several IEIs there, and some LSIs.  Every once in a while I get in a conflict with two of the suspected IEIs.  Both of them have an irrational germ-phobia and a lack of understanding of how germs actually work.  They don’t understand what is, and what is not, a realistic fear about what germs can do and where germs come from and how harmful germs really are (or harmless).  They both believe in religiously washing and sanitizing your hands and the dishes, and they try to enforce that rule on me, which has made me very annoyed several times.  I, of all people, know much more than they do about the phenomenon of contamination, germs, chemicals, dirt, and what causes people to get sick, versus what is harmless.  It’s useless to even argue with them.  They want to follow the rules to the letter, no matter what.  It’s this one particular thing that is frequently causing conflicts between us.  We are okay the rest of the time, and I enjoy them and like them, and we have some good conversations, but if they ever see me breaking a rule and triggering their irrational germ-phobias, it can ruin my entire evening.  This has happened more than once.  

At McD, I don’t have people nagging me to obsessively wash and sanitize my hands and change my gloves and what not.  Now – I *have* had this happen at *other* McD stores, just not this particular one, not this particular store, not these particular managers.  It greatly depends on the store culture and the personalities of the managers there.  I’m lucky to be at the store where we don’t have that culture.  Other stores are much stricter about such things.  And no, we are not, like, picking food up off the floor and serving it to people, or anything like that.  We try to wear gloves, we’re just not obsessive about it, and there can be times where you change gloves or go for a few minutes without gloves on, and then get them back on eventually, and nobody will freak out over it.  We are aware of what is, and what is not, a reasonable amount of germs or contamination in the food.  

I was listening to an amusing conversation between the IEI manager and his friend who also seemed to be maybe an IEI, or some type that had -Ni/+Ne.  They were talking about this guy’s apartment.  This was a guy from another store who had come to our store to pick something up, and they were talking while he was there.  The guy is really lucky, and I envy him.  He somehow found an apartment, with roommates, where he pays only $180 a month, and lives in an extremely small room.  That is exactly what I want, the smallest possible room for the cheapest possible price.  I don’t know how he found that.  They were talking about the house, about the attic, about how the chimney goes up into the attic, and the chimney seems to be leaning over sideways, so that someday, it might collapse.  They were describing what they imagined might happen if the chimney did someday fall, and the one guy actually made a gesture of the roof bending in and he made a creaking sound.  He had it all imagined in his mind in great detail – what if this imaginary scenario would happen?  I was reminded of the movie Titanic.  They interviewed one of the writers of that movie, and he said that he imagined the iceberg would go dit-dit-dit, bouncing along the side of the ship, like Morse code, and it turned out that it actually had bounced in that exact way when it hit.  

The one thing I *don’t* envy about this guy is, he described his previous girlfriend, who seemed to be, sadly, a SLE and also a sociopath.  She totally took advantage of him.  He helped her pay off her college loans, paid for everything for her, and eventually, she just dumped him, saying that he was ‘holding her back’ somehow.  He has another girlfriend now and apparently she isn’t behaving like a sociopath, and they are still together, which is a good thing.  I am only guessing she was a SLE because he seems like an IEI, and because this type of behavior is something I associate with the SLE, not all of them, just the worst of them.  Some SLEs are the exact opposite, generous people who share what they have, not people who take from other people and give nothing in return.

I need to decide what I’m going to do today.  I need to go someplace else and do something.  I’ve been sitting here too long. 

Liminal Zone

January 28, 2014

2:42 PM 1/28/2014

Maybe I can make my URLs work if I just don’t try to put any HTML in them at all.  Let’s see what happens.  I’m using the ‘new post’ page.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12337/want-to-feel-more-connected-to-your-partner-try-this-simple-practice.html

I found some interesting web pages a few months ago and signed up to receive emails from them.  Some of them turned out to be annoying and repetitive, and I unsubscribed, but a couple of them turned out to be pretty good.  I was looking at one of these sites, and now I’m not even sure how I got here.  One link led to another, probably.

I decided to click on the one called ‘Want To Feel More Connected To Your Partner? Try This Simple Practice.’  It turned out to be very relevant to me right now, actually.  It talked about time periods of transition in relationships, and, lo and behold, I am having one of those right now.  I haven’t seen JR in weeks, since he got fired from TB.  I have been struggling to get through this transition – friending him on facebook, sending him a couple messages, struggling to get a reply from him, getting one and freaking out because it wasn’t exactly the type of reply that I wanted, continuing to send messages and get replies, and gradually calming down a bit and starting to trust him as I learn that he doesn’t really want to hurt me and he is consistently being nice.  

*******

“There is one simple and loving action that can set the tone of the day or evening in terms of closeness or distance: how you reunite after being apart.

Reunions, simply defined, are the times when you come back together after being away from each other. We generally think of reunions as occurring after long absences, like when one of you has traveled, but we also reunite first thing in the morning after sleep and at the end of the day following work. We even reunite when we’ve been in our separate spaces within the same house for several hours and then come back together again.

Reunions are potent times in that they’re mini-liminal, or in-between, zones. Transitions always include a liminal zone where you’re between an old stage or identity and a new stage. When you get married, for example, the liminal zone is the engagement, when you’re no longer single but not quite married. When you become a mother, the liminal zone is pregnancy, when you’re no longer a non-mother but not quite a mother. (Men have their equivalent of the parenting liminal zone, but it’s not as obvious as being pregnant.) The liminal zone is characterized by feeling vulnerable, disoriented, and uncertain. Other liminal zones include dawn and dusk, the spring and autumn equinoxes, noon and midnight, and the month of January.

Why is this important to understand and what does it have to do with creating connection with your partner? Because when you come back together after being separate, you both feel vulnerable. Your defenses are down and you’re more available to connect, but you’re also more primed to entrench old habits and beliefs. As with all liminal zones, old wounds can be reactivated and either healed or calcified.

In other words, if you have a running commentary that says, I’m not enough, or People don’t like me, you may be waiting for your partner to confirm his or her love for you every time you walk in the door, say goodbye, or see each other after a long absence. If that’s the case, you may be approaching these times with an expectation that your partner will bridge the gap in a loving way and “make you” feel loved. You may be holding back and sending a signal that says, You do it. You make this okay. You let me know that you still love me.”

*********

This is exactly what I’m going through right now.  I’m nervous, because I haven’t seen him in weeks, and I can’t remember what it feels like to see him, hear him, touch him, and talk to him.  I can’t remember if he still loves me.  I am going to be doubting and distrusting, and I just can’t help it.  We haven’t seen each other in weeks, and I am trying to reestablish a relationship outside the workplace, a relationship that continues even though we are no longer working together.  I am very insecure and distrusting.  Reading this article, I recognized my exact situation right away.  

I just know that I have to be patient, keep being patient, keep trusting him, keep trying, and don’t give up.  

I’ve had other boyfriends, and I didn’t get as terrified as I am about him.  In all those other relationships, the guy was the one initiating.  Sort of… I remember when I first came to State College and met my ex-boyfriend.  One day I was shopping at the grocery store where we both worked, and suddenly, there was this grocery cart with a little girl in it, rolling towards me, out of nowhere, with nobody pushing the cart.  She said ‘Hi Nicole!’  I had no idea who on earth this was.  I looked up and there was my ex-boyfriend standing several feet away grinning, as he had just gently pushed the cart and told his daughter to say hello to me.  I remember how our relationship started, and I think he mostly initiated it – I was very shy, and I was already antisocial back then.

Peter was my next relationship.  I’ve tried to type him, and I think he might be an EII, but I’m not sure.  He’s the son of a preacher.  I’ve always been attracted to men who are associated with churches and religions, and now, knowing socionics, I’m guessing that a lot of them are Delta NFs.  He worked with me at McD.  Like other male Delta NF coworkers who I’ve met, he had difficulties managing his time in the workplace – he was waaaaaaaaaaayyyy too slow, and did things totally at his own pace, in his own little universe, without paying attention to the time on the clock.  I’ve met several other people who I’ve typed as Delta NF who also seem to totally ignore the time on the clock, which can cause problems in the workplace and other places, and I have to be the one who pays attention to what time it is and what time we have to go somewhere.  

I helped Peter a lot by washing the dishes every night.  Peter was working overnights.  He would spend a million hours on the dishes, and then a million hours cleaning the lobby, and everyone complained about how slow he was.  I thought Peter was just slow because he had diabetes, and tended to have problems with his blood sugar going too high or too low – he was always having lots of health problems.  (That was until I noticed that other male Delta NF coworkers were also frequently having problems with not being aware of time and deadlines and urgency of work tasks.)  

Sometimes his sugar would crash at work, and we’d have to call the ambulance – I remember these incidents fondly, actually!  I can talk about this with other coworkers and we all smile and say, ‘Remember the time when Peter’s blood sugar crashed and we had to call the ambulance?  Ha ha ha!  Good old Peter!’  People had mixed feelings about him.  I loved him.  Another girl loved him too – she would shout ‘PETER!’ whenever he came in, and she would linger around him chatting happily.  Other people couldn’t stand him, and were constantly annoyed because he worked too slowly.  

But I would wash all the dishes, and Peter would thank me, every day, for doing that – he told me that it was a *huge* help for him if I did that, and he would give me a hug.  He expressed his gratitude by hugging and touching me, in the workplace, where it was ‘inappropriate,’ but that was fine with me.  He was initiating, and he was the one who started touching me first.  I remember feeling sort of surprised because he was ‘sexually harassing’ me, and nobody else ever did that, except I enjoyed it and I was happy that he was doing it.  

I haven’t been with Peter very much in the past few years, for many reasons.  He is still with his wife, so he is not alone.  For the past few years I have just been mostly alone, struggling with my drug residues and my mania and these horrible incidents going on with people online, when I fell in love with Rick and couldn’t control the things I was saying and doing online.  

Then I bumped into Steve, and Steve mostly initiated.  He was definitely an EII for sure, and I figured that out very quickly after being with him.  I had trouble guessing the types of my other boyfriends – I struggled for years to figure out whether my first (in Pennsylvania) boyfriend Eric was an ENFP or an ENTP, and I still to this day don’t know for certain (probably ENFP – that was during the time period when I hadn’t discovered socionics and was still using the Myers-Briggs letters).  I struggled for years to figure out Peter’s type too.  But Steve was obvious.  I met him by accident, it seemed.  I had been going to a meetup.com group about atheism, and there was a guy in that group whose name I couldn’t remember, but whose face I recognized.  One day Steve walked in to Dunkin Donuts while I was sitting there at a table, and I mistook him for the guy in the meetup group.  I waved at him and said ‘Hi… Oh, wait, I thought you were somebody else,’ and I explained who I mistook him for, but then, we got into a conversation, and walked all around the college campus together talking, and from then on, we would occasionally meet each other in town, or he would call me on the phone – again, either because we met ‘by accident’ (or as puppets), or if he called me and initiated.  

I have dated men who were much older than me for many years.  I dated a guy who was 41, when I was 23, in college.  My ex-boyfriend Eric is several years older than me, but I forget how much – I think it’s less than 10 years, or, maybe 11 years.  I forget.  Steve is 55, or he was the last time I checked (he could be 56).  Peter is also a bit older, but I forget how old he is too.  He’s in his upper forties now.  

And now I am the cougar, chasing after a young guy in his late teens or early twenties – and I haven’t verified exactly how old he is yet.  And I am initiating, and I have just recently come out of many horrible experiences, the disaster with Rick, and all my life disasters.  I am *very* insecure, and I am utterly amazed that he is tolerating me at all.  I am grateful for every nice thing that he has said and done, and I keep expecting him to change his mind and do the opposite, any minute now.  

This is the liminal zone.  This is the transition.  I will meet him again after a separation.  I will love again after being alone for a long time.  And I will have a different experience, being with someone much younger than I am, someone in a different generation, someone whose experiences of life are very different from mine, someone who grew up in a different world than I did.  That’s assuming he really does continue to tolerate me.  It also happens to be the month of January, which the author of that article mentioned as a transition time in the year.  I don’t know where I will go with this, or how long we will be together, but it will be a different experience.

Yesterday I cooked the grocery store foods from my outdoor ‘freezer.’

January 28, 2014

1:09 PM 1/28/2014

I slept in the hotel Sunday night, and then went home to the tent Monday at noon.  I slept a few more hours there, but I wanted to cook some of my grocery store food, which is still frozen and edible.  I’ve kept it outside in the ‘freezer’ all these days, and the temperature hasn’t gone high enough for the food to spoil yet.  But I was too tired to cook, so I took a nap first.

Later that afternoon I woke up enough that I was able to get out of bed and go cook, although I was very reluctant.  I knew yesterday was the warmest day we would have in a while, and that the next couple days would be bitterly cold.  If it was unbearably cold outside, I would not want to sit there crouching outside the tent trying to cook something.  Monday was the best day to do it.

I got out my little gas tank thingy – I can’t remember what it’s called – the Pocket Rocket hiking stove and its little tank of gas.  Isobutane, I think it said.  I turned the little handle, and tried to light a match.  But the match head crumbled and fell apart.  So I lit another match, and it crumbled too.  Apparently, those matches had gotten a little damp or something.  But I had a whole bunch more boxes of matches, and so I opened the next box, and it lit.  I kept them in a plastic ziploc bag, so they were okay.  

I lit the match, and held it over the gas, and nothing seemed to happen.  I was confused.  I could not see any flame.  It was daytime.  It was a clear, blue flame, and that was why I couldn’t see it.  I held the match over it, and the match burned all up as though it was in a strong flame.  Finally I decided that it really was lit for real, I just couldn’t see it, so I put the little metal cup over top of it and got out my frozen scrapple.  I never cook, and I have only used this little stove once or twice before, which is why I don’t really know how to use it.

I opened the scrapple with my knife.  My fingers were already starting to freeze.  I was kneeling on the snow, in my snow pants and boots.  I put the whole entire block of scrapple in the cup.  It was sticking out the top.  I turned up the flame.  For the next few minutes, I struggled to poke the scrapple with my knife, chopping off little fragments and knocking them down into the cup.  The cup began to smoke – a lot.  

Meanwhile, the whole rest of the block of scrapple was still frozen.  I picked it up with my fingers and turned it upside down so the opposite side would be touching the bottom of the cup, and then continued scraping little chunks off.  Finally I got it broken apart enough that I was able to stir it and get most of it cooking.  I didn’t cook it in little rectangles the way I did when I used the frying pan, I just stirred it into a pool of mush.  It was still smoking.  Then I felt something hard in the bottom of the cup, and I used the knife to lift up a big, black, rectangular piece of charcoal, from where the end of the frozen block had been touching directly against the bottom while I struggled to chip the rest of the block apart.  I pulled out the burned-black scrapple rectangle and then kept on mixing.

It was hard to get the scrapple warmed up to a safe temperature.  I had to cook it longer and longer, and I had to turn up the flame and just keep stirring it actively to prevent it from burning.  My fingertips were going numb, and I kept taking a break to grab my fingers and squeeze them.  

Finally, I ate some of the scrapple, using my knife as a spoon.  Then I got tired of eating scrapple – it just wouldn’t go down my throat anymore, and started sticking.  There’s a lot of corn meal mixed in there, along with other types of flour.  It’s not just meat.  So I looked in my bag of frozen food and started nibbling other things.  I ate several of the dried morel mushrooms without cooking them.  They were hollow and spongy, and I could easily crunch them with my teeth even though they were not cooked.  I ate several bites of kale, frozen, uncooked.  I ate some of the blueberries.  

Then I decided to try the frozen salmon eggs.  I had eaten fish eggs before.  I bought them in a jar from the grocery store, and they were very bad quality.  They seemed to be spoiled, and they made me want to vomit, and I could only eat a tiny bit of them.  I have also eaten the orange tobiko eggs on sushi, and I don’t have a problem with them.  When I ate the spoiled fish eggs from the grocery store, it had a strange effect on me – I seemed to have eaten enough fish hormones that it affected my behavior at work, and I was attracting all the guys, and this one guy actually tried to kiss me – although he was the creepy sexual harasser guy who went around ‘accidentally’ tapping his hand against every girl and woman’s butts when he walked behind them.  I was wondering if the salmon eggs would do something like that to me, and I was expecting to be sick, or to have more hormones, to become more sexual.

However, the eggs did not do either of those things to me.  They were perfect quality.  I got them at Wegman’s.  They were kept cold.  I had to pry open the jar lid with my knife, because I don’t know if I have any kind of bottle opener anywhere, or where it is if I do have one, so I was being very careful not to slip and cut my fingers.  I dug out a few of the eggs and put them in my mouth.  They literally almost melted in my mouth, and disappeared after only a few chews.  They were so good that I immediately wanted some more of them, and then some more, and more.  But I was afraid that I would get sick, so I really only had a tiny number of eggs, and I left most of the jar full.  It was only a tiny jar about an inch high.  I decided that salmon eggs are a necessary nutrient that none of us are getting and we desperately need.  They are not a ‘luxury item.’  They are a necessity.  

I haven’t gotten sick at all from anything I ate yesterday, and did not have any kind of weird symptoms at all.  So, I recommend the caviar from Wegmans, but just get the one that doesn’t have any artificial colors in it.  That’s why I got the salmon and not the other one.  The other one had artificial colors to make it black.  I hate it that they do that.  The salmon eggs only had salt in them, and nothing else.  They were very, very good.  

I would love to try weird foods more often, but haven’t been able to do that without a refrigerator.  This Polar Vortex weather is actually very helpful for me, in that way.  I can keep groceries for once, it’s just hard to sit out there and cook them.  So far, I am happy with everything I ate.  

On the negative side, I *do* notice that my heart pounds after I eat fats.  I see both sides of the argument for and against eating fats in your diet.  I still am on the side of the Weston Price people, for the most part, in favor of eating fats and getting more fat-soluble nutrients.  But there is truth to the idea that fats *do* have an effect on the heart, and you can feel it very soon after you eat them.  I notice my heart is pounding even when I’m lying in bed.  

I don’t want to go back to the ‘all fats are bad, try to eat a low fat diet’ side of the argument.  Instead, I want to find some kind of balance, some kind of explanation, some way of making it work – for instance, can you try to eat grass-fed fats instead of grain-fed fats, can you eat fresh high-quality fats instead of old rancid fats, can you eat raw fats instead of cooked, can you mix other foods in with them to neutralize the effect – similar to the studies that were done, which are posted on the Weston Price website, about how you can negate the effects of eating pork if you also eat sauerkraut with it.  Eating pork causes your red blood cells to clump up into little stacks called rouleaux, but if you eat sauerkraut along with the pork, the blood cell clumping doesn’t happen.  I want to learn how to make it work, so that I can get the best of both worlds, the nutrients from fat, with the fewest harmful side effects from eating fat.  But it’s important to tell the truth – I do experience some negative side effects from eating fats.  I just believe strongly that it’s the right thing to do and I want to keep trying to make it work.  More research is needed…

!#$@#!$ Being disconnected from the net, then hitting ‘publish’ a dozen times in a row.

January 26, 2014

Sigh….

tickle

January 26, 2014

2:47 PM 1/26/2014

We are negotiating some kind of a visit soon, hopefully this week.  I still don’t know what we will do, or how, or where we will meet.  

I was so excited, I was trembling inside my chest and there were tickly feelings in my chest and throat.  I was shivering inside.  That feeling is still there, lingering, just a tiny bit, on and on.  I have more energy and I am bouncing and leaping around, talking in a more musical voice, and being friendlier with everybody.  I keep feeling that, alternating with doubt and worry, thinking something terrible will happen.  

It isn’t just that ‘something terrible will happen’ all by itself, but rather, that ‘they’ might *make* something terrible happen.  JR himself seems less and less terrifying every time I interact with him.  

I do still have doubts – he seems too good to be true.  Sooner or later he’s going to get angry with me over something and I will be totally crushed when he gets mad at me.  

I will just patiently do my work today, and go to TB later this evening – I’m done with McD and have a couple hours off – and then I will go home and sleep.  I told him I always want to just sleep all day Monday.  

Then, when I start waking up on Tuesday and Wednesday, I’m going to start mentally preparing to try to see him.  I’m sure that I will regret the idea and say, ‘What on earth was I thinking?  This is insane!’  But I have to do it. 

pleasantly surprised

January 25, 2014

11:22 AM 1/25/2014

I’m writing at work because I’m exhausted and I had an awful night.  I could not fall asleep.  I might have briefly dozed off when ‘they’ pushed the ‘sleep’ button, but barely at all.  They have me working in back booth taking orders, but it’s slow.  

Okay, they moved me to grill, and finally gave me a lunch break, so I can write without worrying now.  

I still have to go to TB later this evening.  It’s going to be a horrible night.  I am barely functioning.  

**********
JR is still being nice to me.  There’s no need to go into all the specifics of who said what and who did what.  We are still communicating, slowly, through facebook as of right now, and he is continuing to tolerate me.  We have not actually gotten together physically yet, except for the two days we worked together and the day he met me at TB when I gave him the note.  I will see how it goes over the next couple days and weeks.  If we can get together in person it will feel more real to me.  

I still feel sort of helpless, like I won’t be able to ever see him, and I’ll just keep begging him in email and he’ll never show up.  I still worry, ‘Will he reject me because of X?  Okay, he didn’t reject me because of X, but what about Y?  So, he’s all right with Y, but what about Z?  Surely Z will be the last straw!’  After a while, I will start to trust him.  I might catch on to the fact that there is a general pattern of tolerance, so that I can write an equation ‘For all variables A->Z, F(x)=toleration and acceptance.’  Okay, so my brain is not working well enough right now to write a grammatically correct algebraic equation, but it doesn’t matter, you get the idea.  

I am also processing the idea that he cannot magically solve all my problems for me.  I will still have to solve my own problems, and he will still have to solve his own problems.  We can help each other, within certain limits.  But mostly, we are here to comfort each other.  

He is being nice to me.  It’s a surprise every time it happens.  Each time, I doubt and distrust, and each time, he pleasantly surprises me. 

Still okay.

January 24, 2014

As of our most recent interaction, earlier today, he was still being nice to me, although still not giving me any direct, concrete answers yet.  It’s okay if he isn’t giving me any answers yet, all that matters right now is that he hasn’t blocked me or de-friended me or called the police yet.  He’s being nice.  The only thing that I can do now is try not to overwhelm him with my oceans of agony.  He doesn’t know what he’s getting into.  If he lets me write to him, he will be flooded with a giant wall of water and he will drown.  He thinks it’s okay now, but I don’t want to see that look of dismay on his face as he says, ‘Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into???’  I want him to continue having a happy, friendly, I-like-you face, and not an ‘Oh no, what now?’ face.  But I am not even seeing his face yet, which is something I hope to do sometime soon.

Thank you, OkCupid, for completely ruining your site. It is now useless!

January 24, 2014

Goodbye, OkCupid.  You were good once.  Why, OkCupid, why???

The last time I used OkCupid, I did a search, and I would go down through the list of people who appeared, and if they had not filled out their profiles at all, I would hide them from the search results.  They have changed the website now so that all it shows is a photo of each person in the search results, and no words from their profile at all.  This is insane.  I just see a big photo of each person, and nothing else.  Do I give a fuck about their photo?  No.  I just want to see a glimpse of what they have written in their profile.  Yes, socionics VI (visual identification) is real, but I don’t have it all mapped out yet, and I cannot VI an IEE merely by looking at their photo.  Their photo tells me nothing at all about their brain or their personality.  Why, OkCupid?  Why?  The site is now completely unusable!  PlentyOfFish is better than that!!!! I should go back there.

avoiding facebook – it’s better if I just slow down and if I go a while not knowing

January 24, 2014

10:06 PM 1/23/2014

I should start talking about something other than JR, but all my emotional energy is focused on him right now.  As of earlier today, he still had not blocked me on facebook, but based on past experience, I’m expecting it to happen any time now.  That’s why I’m writing this blog instead of connecting to facebook to see if I have any messages from him.  I am trying to let a little bit more time go by in between the messages to him.  

He did give me a brief, evasive reply yesterday, and as a result, I went home on my bike crying and I was very angry because of all that the hackers and the soul murderers have done to ruin my life all these years, all the relationships that they have sabotaged, all the things they have forced me to do, all the potential friendships they have destroyed.  They have completely ruined my life, and as a result, I am where I am today.  My life could have been very different, and I would not be so horribly lonely and desperate right now.  

I haven’t checked to see if I have any messages from him yet, because I’m not yet ready to go home crying again, and I know that whatever it is, it will make me go home crying.  

If I were not being attacked, I would be able to bond with people more easily, and I would have more friends, and I would enjoy the time I spend with people.  I could have already fallen in love and gotten married if it had not been for them.  And because of all this torture and loneliness and grief built up over so many  years, I desperately cling to someone who was nice to me for the brief couple of days that I worked with him.  He was just nice to me.  All my intensity, all my emotions, are now directed at him, and it is a huge amount of energy.  

I don’t think he’ll be able to handle it.  ‘They’ were giving me an idea, earlier today, that he might tell me I should go talk to a priest instead of talking to him.  He would view me as a ‘charity friend,’ one of those clingy losers who hang around nice church guys because the nice church guys are too nice and too weak to say no to them and tell them to go away.  I’ve seen this before.  ‘This is my friend, Annoying Loser Who Won’t Leave Me Alone.’  And ‘Annoying Loser’ will have some kind of severe issues, like mental health problems or a physical disorder or something.  

So I don’t know exactly when it will happen, but sooner or later, he might tell me directly to leave him alone and never speak to him again.  I am Annoying Loser, the unwanted burden who ruins all your fun with your other friends, the person who you wish wouldn’t come along to the party with you, the person you’re always trying to sneak away from and don’t let him know where you’re going because he’ll want to come along too and he’s so annoying that you just can’t have any fun when he’s there.  

I say ‘he’ because I’ve seen guys who fit this description, but I am female, and it’s kind of different with a female.  It gets a little more confusing.  I am the creepy ugly cougar who won’t leave him alone, which is kind of amusing and anxiety-provoking and confusing.  What would his friends think?  Will they say, ‘The very idea of having sex with her is unthinkable and disgusting,’ or will it not be quite so straightforward as that? Surely, they would make fun of me behind my back.  How genuine would their hate and revulsion be?  I’ve had a couple of people in my life who I genuinely thought were utterly revolting, but it is very rare that anyone makes me feel that way.  I almost always have at least a little bit of tolerance for someone.  I know that I myself am not utterly intolerable, because I do get boyfriends and have had long-term boyfriends in the past.  

But he has no way of knowing that.  He isn’t seeing me walking around with another guy right now.  If you see someone else who ‘vouches for’ the person, you know that at least somebody out there is able to tolerate them.  

He might try to deliver me to the church for the sake of helping me as a charity case.  Let the church help me, to get this unwanted burden away from him.  You need God’s love, not my love.

So, I am deliberately avoiding facebook right at the moment, and merely speculating in my blog about what he might do next or how he might view me.  These were the thoughts that ‘they’ were putting into my mind today, as suggestions for how he might see me, how he might interpret the situation.  Is this a charity case to be sent to the church for help?  Do I just need to talk to the pastor?

**************
I’m checking the weather.  They’re still forecasting bitter cold for the next few days, so my food is safe.  The highest it will get is 27 degrees.  I might still have time to cook my food.  

It’s hard for me to think about anything else but JR.  However, it would actually be hard to visit him in reality right now.  It’s so cold outside that we can’t just go for a walk somewhere.  We’d have to go sit somewhere warm.  Usually, ‘going for a walk in the park’ is the best way to hang out with somebody without having to buy anything or do anything formal.  You can do this when you’re meeting strangers or anybody who you don’t know very well.  It’s a public place, outdoors, so you’re not stuck alone together anywhere, not in a house, and you don’t have to go to anybody’s address.  I am not yet anywhere near close enough to him to be invited over to his house directly.  

Not only that, but I don’t know if he has a girlfriend.  I know he did in the past, since he mentioned it on his facebook page.  I’m sure he’s perfectly capable of having girlfriends and I wouldn’t know why he wouldn’t constantly have one, because to me, he seems very likeable and attractive and sociable, and it seems impossible that he would not be surrounded by girls, so many that he could choose whichever one he wanted.  That’s how I see it.

He’ll probably tell me sometime soon.  I’ll say something that will ‘cross the line’ in some way, and he will be pushed to tell me that he already has a girlfriend.  I am not explicitly talking about sex when I talk to him, but it is implied by the fact that I’d rather talk to him than, say, to a pastor who is married.  It is some kind of special relationship that I am looking for, not merely the therapeutic services of a pastor.  If he starts pushing me to go talk to someone at the church, then this issue will come up – I will have to say, ‘I don’t want to talk to them.  I want to talk to *you* in particular.’  

But yes, it would be difficult for me to actually visit him in person in all the usual ways right now.  I could take him to a restaurant, but in reality, I don’t actually enjoy going to restaurants most of the time.  It’s something I would do for lack of any other way to meet him.  And of course, I would pay for him.  I don’t know if he got another job yet, and even if he did have another job, I would pay for his meal because I am grateful that he is even tolerating my presence at all.  

I’m just going to have to avoid facebook, and that means I also have to avoid looking at my gmail, too, because that will tell me if I have a message or a lack of a message.  If I have a message from him, I will go home crying because of whatever he said to me; and, if I *don’t* have a message from him, I will go home crying because he didn’t send me a message.  It’s best if I just wait a while and if I just don’t know.  I just won’t know one way or the other which one of the horrible, intolerable possibilities has happened.  Has he blocked me/ignored me/said something cruel/evaded me and given me a meaningless and irrelevant answer (like he did yesterday, which made me go home crying)?  The less frequently I interact with him, the less of an unwanted burden I am.

haiku-sized messages

January 22, 2014

3:52 PM 1/22/2014

Writing a letter with a purpose, to him, is kind of like writing a haiku.  It has to be short, three or four lines long.  Anything beyond that becomes tl;dr – too long, didn’t read, need a summary.  I know that I am extremely verbose, and I have to duct-tape my fingers together to prevent myself from writing him an extremely long letter with too much unnecessary information.

Another rule that I follow is, try to say things that are positive.  My writing has been so negative for so long that this is hard to do.  I have to say things that are good and positive and goal-oriented, rather than just complaining about all the ways that things are bad or difficult.  This requires conscious effort.  

The purpose of my relationship with him isn’t writing.  I write all the time, in my blog and in my thousands of emails to Rick; but this is a real-world person who I am able to physically be with.  I am not merely looking for another person to read my writing.  I want to *interact* with him, which means I want to see him, hear him, touch him, listen to what he says, see what he does in the real world.  

The tone of the letter must be truthful, and I can express some emotions in a muted way, as long as I don’t dwell on them too excessively.  It should be trusting and respectful, giving him a chance to decide what he wants to do.  

When we get to know each other better, I’ll be able to relax and just write however I want to, but for now, I must be very cautious and formal.  I don’t want to overload him with a thousand pages of garbage. 

numb toe slightly less bad

January 22, 2014

My numb toe is a teensy bit less numb today.  I’m going to pretend it’s because I ate some special foods today and yesterday.  My nerves are regrowing their myelin sheaths from the fatty acids in the foods that I ate.  As we all know, the placebo effect really CURES illnesses for real (yes, I’m being sarcastic), so when my numb toe completely recovers, I’ll know it was just the placebo effect, and I won’t ever use the same solution next time I have a numb toe after drinking diet soda.  (I hate the very concept of the ‘placebo effect.’)

I ate a little bit of the ghee by scraping it directly out of the bottle with a spoon.  This was a mistake.  I didn’t realize it was raw milk, but apparently, it was, because I got a bad case of parasites last night.  I was lying in bed and I could feel something crawling under my leg, and I thought it was under the tent at first, but it was actually inside my leg.  Then I felt them everywhere in my body for several hours.  It is a nonlethal parasitic infection that I call ‘milkworms’ because I don’t know the real name of the worms.  I get it from drinking raw milk, and the little white worms will come out in my feces.  Then, two weeks later, they will appear again when the eggs hatch, and that will be the last I see of them.  

I think the solution is to *filter* the milk, rather than cook it.  You can still drink raw milk with all the nutrients intact, but filter it the same way you filter creek water, and filter out the parasites or eggs.  

I also ate the savory, and I tried drinking some of the coconut milk, but got very angry because it was thickened with guar gum, which made it into sludge, and it was almost impossible to get out of the can, because I opened the can by puncturing it with a knife, so I just had a couple small holes that I had to pry open bigger and bigger because the sludge wouldn’t come out.  I hate it when they add carageenan to ice cream, and I hate *anything* where they add thickening agents because ‘the public perception of this product is that it must be as thick as ice cream,’ or whatever stupid reason they have for doing it.  I’m sorry, but *my* perception of coconut milk was that it would be a liquid like milk, not a sludge so thick that it wouldn’t come out of the can.  I need to find a brand that doesn’t add guar gum, and see how thick it is.  

I also ate some of the blueberries, and they made my teeth hurt, as usual.  That was all I ate so far of that food.  Today, I want to get another little propane flame tank thingy for my tiny hiking stove.  It’s just a little container of gas, not a big one.  I need it for cooking.  Oh, I forgot, I also ate just a few of the split green peas, uncooked.  I crunched them up.  They gave me gas.  

Also, I’m starting my period, right this instant.  I woke up this afternoon from a sound, comfortable, peaceful, warm sleep, and realized it was happening now.  So I’m taking ibuprofen, because I was planning to possibly go somewhere today, rather than staying in the tent for hours with agonizing cramps.  And I have to go buy pads.  I was considering going to JR’s church, but if I am too miserable from my period, I might not. 

My numb toe has lingered for a week. Caused by, possibly, drinking diet soda.

January 21, 2014

10:20 PM 1/21/2014

One reason why I wanted to buy some herbs was for their medicinal properties.  All culinary herbs have medicinal properties.  People take them for granted as just ‘adding flavor,’ but they have various effects on the body.  I learned this the hard way when I bought fresh sage and put a bunch of it into a little soup that I made, then spent the next several hours peeing every few minutes, because, apparently, sage is a strong diuretic, which I didn’t know.  

I have had a numb left big toe ever since I got back from West Virginia.  It’s been several days now.  What day did I ride the bus home?  It was Monday into Tuesday, I think, overnight, last week.  So the toe has been numb for an entire week now.  I first noticed it on that night when I got back here and got off the bus and walked to the hotel.  I thought it might just be somehow from walking so many blocks, but it didn’t go away.  It’s still here, numb.  

What happened in West Virginia that could have given me a numb toe?

1. Diet soda.  When the chemical spill got into the water, I had an incident where I drank a little bit of tap water and felt sick afterwards.  Our tap water provider is not the same company that got contaminated; however, I feared that maybe the poison had gone into the aquifers underground and spread to ours.  After that incident, I temporarily avoided drinking the water, and I started drinking soda instead.  But we ran out of normal soda, regular Coke, because, guess who drank it all?  I did.  

So I started drinking Dad’s diet soda, which I never do.  I never touch diet sodas with a ten-foot pole, because I know that artificial sweeteners are poisonous and they cause lots of horrible life-ruining symptoms.  But for about two days, I frequently drank some of Dad’s diet soda, thinking that I would be okay if I only drank it for two days.  Apparently not, because now I have an unexplained numb toe, and numbness is one of the first, and worst, symptoms of the nervous system disorders that result from artificial sweeteners.  

2. The chemical spill.  Maybe it did get into the aquifer and spread to other tap water providers.  Maybe I really did drink a tiny bit of it that one day and get poisoned from it.

3. Secondhand drug residues from my parents.  My mom uses Fossamax and Paxil, and my dad uses some kind of blood pressure drug.  

4. Carbon monoxide poisoning on the bus.  I can’t prove that there really were exhaust fumes coming into the bus.  But I know that I observed myself getting sick when the bus was parked nearby, and I was sitting outside the bus in the fresh air, and I would get sick when the fumes of exhaust wafted over me when the wind blew.  I smelled this horrible sick smell on the bus for hours, and was deathly ill for a long time after I got off the bus.  It could possibly be some other chemical in the exhaust, and not carbon monoxide.  But something in the bus fumes made me deathly ill for hours and hours.  It was *horrible*.  After that, I got off the bus and walked several blocks and got a numb toe, which is still numb a week later.  

It’s starting to worry me a bit.  It’s an unusual, unexplained symptom, something that never happens to me.  I’ve never just had a numb toe that stayed numb for days and days.  I’ve experienced temporary numbness from various drug residues, and numbness in my hands from that horrible sink sanitizer at work, but those always fade if I wash it off or get rid of the drug residues.  This numb toe has just lingered constantly all this time.  If it’s from sweeteners, how long does it take for your body to detoxify itself and recover?  

I read about savory.  It just so happens, coincidentally, that savory is used with pea soup (I happened to buy green split peas), and it also happens, coincidentally, that savory supposedly can treat nervous disorders like sciatica and palsy.  Well, I have some kind of nervous disorder with numbness in my toe, so maybe savory will help it.  It’s worth a try, after all.

I’m also looking at the medicinal properties of dill.  Actually, if you want some kind of medicine, you can just take a bunch of random culinary herbs and hope for the best, because, as I said, all of them are medicinal.  Uh-oh – dill is an aphrodisiac, and it promotes lactation.  Oh well, I’m using it anyway.  

I guess I need to get myself ready to get on the bus.  I’ve had coffee, and actually, I don’t want to go to sleep.  Maybe I’ll just eat some of my foods raw and then ride my bike home instead of taking the bus home.  I don’t know which of my foods can be eaten raw.  I’ll eat something random.  

OMG, I just went crazy and bought $75 of weird foods at Wegmans!

January 21, 2014

9:26 PM 1/21/2014

I looked at the weather report.  The Polar Vortex will be hanging out over Canada for a while, and it said that I will be living in a freezer for the next two weeks.  I hope the forecast is correct.  I just went crazy and bought $75 of weird foods at Wegmans.  I also bought a Tracfone card and some Lysol wipes, which I have been using all the time ever since I had the contamination.  Ideally, all I want is some kind of wet wipe without any chemicals but with some kind of solvent, like soap, but this is what’s most easily available, so I get those Lysol wipes.  

So, here is what I bought.  I won’t attempt to take a photo of it right now, I’ll just list it.  

frozen wild blueberries
canned clams
organic green split peas
dried morel mushrooms
Indian cow ghee
organic canned coconut milk
organic ground lamb – free range
pork scrapple (with no chemicals or preservatives added)
salmon caviar
organic red kale
jamaican uniq fruit
kumatoes – brown tomatoes (actually, they’re red and green at the same time, not actually brown)
fingerling potatoes in different colors
shallots
savory herb
baby dill herb

I got frozen wild blueberries, which I used to get all the time.  These blueberries give me cavities, though, so hopefully all my other foods will cancel out the effect of the blueberries and protect my teeth from cavities.  Almost everything in that list was ‘weird.’

I won’t just buy normal tomatoes.  I have to get ‘brown’ tomatoes that are some weird hybrid breed.  I guess they’re a hybrid, and not heirloom, but if I had my way, I’d be eating weird heirloom tomatoes on principle – I prefer non-hybrids because they produce live seeds that can be grown.  I think hybrids produce live seeds too, but I think that they will produce offspring with unpredictable characteristics, which I don’t necessarily mind, I just don’t know about them and haven’t ever tested it.  I had to try morels, because I’ve never eaten them before.  I just happened to see them on the shelf.  

I got caviar, which means that I will be emanating hot, sexy, female fish pheromones, which will arouse every man within ten feet of me.  I got some random herbs – savory, and I don’t know what that tastes like, what it’s usually used for, or what medicinal properties it has, so it’s all going to be a surprise.  I know that I like dill.  I’ve never tried a Uniq fruit before, and it looks ugly and weird, so I have to try it.  I know that I like cooked beans and split peas and lentils and stuff like that.  I really, really wanted to buy some weird-looking lentils from France, but decided the split peas were enough.  The lentils were tinier than any I had ever seen, and they were covered with teeny little spots.  Maybe next time.  

I know I like cooked potatoes, and I want to try bizarre, Peruvian potato varieties, but they’re not available here, so bizarre fingerlings will have to do.  Peru has, like, a hundred varieties of weird potatoes.  I debated which kind of grass-fed meat to get.  I had already gotten the clams, the scrapple, and the caviar, and I didn’t really need any more meats, but got the lamb anyway.  I just hope the freezing weather lasts long enough for me to eat all this meat – throwing away meat is worse than throwing away vegetables.  The ghee is a type of butter, which is a source of fat, and the coconut milk is another source of fat.  Shallots and kale are both familiar vegetables that I like.  I’d prefer to get all organic vegetables, but sometimes I just get whatever they have.  

I also discovered the reason why eating Indian food at the restaurant causes me to go into withdrawal 24 hours later and feel suicidal and horrible and like all happiness is gone from the world forever.  I had noticed that same problem happening several times after I ate at the Indian restaurants.  It’s because several of their sauces contain crushed poppy seeds!  I was looking at the sauces on the shelf, because I love Indian sauces, and now I know the reason why I love them!  They contain opiates!  I really am going into withdrawal after I eat them, but I never knew why.  You can’t just eat poppy seeds in large quantities.  They contain enough opium to cause a reaction, even though they’re legal to sell.  They truly made me feel absolutely horrible a day later, when I went into withdrawal, and I could recognize that I was in withdrawal from *something*, I just didn’t know what it was, just something in the Indian food.  

Well, now I have to carry all this stuff up the mountain, and I have to pray that the weather report is correct for the next two weeks.  I have to hurry and start cooking and eating this food as fast as I can.  I’ll be doing nothing but cooking for the next couple weeks.  I hope I don’t end up throwing all this stuff away.  I will at least be able to eat a little bit of it.

Obsessing about my food storage system; I can buy groceries today because the temps will be freezing for several days, and I live in a refrigerator.

January 21, 2014

2:20 PM 1/21/2014

If there ever was a day to buy groceries and just leave them sitting outside my tent, this would be the day.  I live inside a refrigerator.  I’m looking at the forecast, and it looks like it won’t even go above freezing for the next few days.  If I buy groceries and keep them outside, I have to be sure that it won’t go above 40 degrees.  

I need a special thermometer that keeps track of the temperatures over time and records an alert that will tell me:  the temperature went above forty degrees for x number of hours.  Then I’ll know to be careful if I eat my food.  

I’ve tested food poisoning a couple times.  I tested it with two different things that I remember.  I once tested it with a jar of salsa.  Salsa is acidic, so, they say, it won’t grow botulinum bacteria.  I ate some of the salsa one night, and then I tried eating just a little bit of it the next morning, when it had been at room temperature all night long.  I don’t remember how warm it was that night, but it was warmer than a refrigerator, so the food was spoiling.  

The salsa tasted okay.  Sometimes when I eat spoiled food, I can feel a sensation that I recognize.  It isn’t a taste, it’s sort of a tickly sensation like I’m allergic to something, kind of a burning tickle in my mouth and throat.  Other times I feel heart palpitations after I swallow something that’s spoiled, or dizziness.  

After I ate the salsa, I felt like I was drunk.  I felt like I had had alcohol.  My muscles became relaxed, but in a weird and uncomfortable way.  I felt like I was going to throw up, and I had an adrenaline rush.  Strangely, I became energized, and I got up out of bed and started doing outdoor work around the tent, because I was so miserable, sick, uncomfortable, and panicky that I could not just lie down anymore.  

This made me suspect that I was right about alcohol – I should never, ever, ever drink even a single sip of it, because it would be so ‘good’ for me that I would never do anything but drink alcohol all day long for the rest of my life, forever.  I know this about myself – I would *LOVE* alcohol.  That is why I am a strict, absolute teetotaler.  I must never allow even a single drop, or I will go down the slippery slope, the same way I have done with coffee and Coke.  

After that I had some symptoms that lasted a while longer, but I forget exactly what it was.  It was long-lasting enough that it made me worry that I might have done permanent damage to myself.  But it gradually faded away.  I remember what it was – some of my fingers sort of went numb.  That lasted all day long.  

Then the other thing I tested was a piece of gouda cheese.  I bought the cheese and ate some of it, but since it’s a huge block, I cannot possibly eat the whole thing at once, which is why I can’t buy grocery store food – there’s just too much of it in one piece, and I don’t have a fridge.  (I can carry bags of ice and put them in a cooler, but that’s extremely hard to do, and it usually works out badly for various reasons.)  So I left the rest of the gouda cheese sitting around for a few hours, and then I nibbled on just a tiny bit of it later on.

When I ate the gouda cheese, I felt like I was having a heart attack.  I actually felt clamping sensations in my heart.  This made me conclude that spoiled fats cause heart attacks, or maybe other substances in the cheese, maybe not the fat.  I don’t know exactly which substances were causing the problem.  

So, there are real dangers.  Even when I put ice in a cooler, it doesn’t work very well.  I could make it work better, but I would have to make a project out of it.  I would have to get rocks and put them into a ziploc bag which surrounded a second ziploc bag that surrounded the food, so that the food would stop floating to the top of the ice and water and sitting on the top where it doesn’t stay cold.  Only heavy rocks will be able to keep the food from floating to the top.  However, if the weather outside drops below freezing while I have food in a cooler, it will all get stuck inside a block of ice, so I would have to remove it before it froze.  

The ice in the cooler only lasts a few hours, and after a while, it will all just be cool water with hardly any ice left in it.  I would have to bring several bags of ice up there every single day while I had food in there.  If I want to get ice for free, I can get it out of the icemaker at McD, because I work there, and no one would stop me.  

However, I’d have to go get it during the nighttime after I get out of TB, if I were getting ice on Saturdays and Sundays when I work both jobs, which means I’d have to intrude upon the overnight employees.  I already feel like a jerk when I go in there at night after getting out of TB.  I know how it is to work overnights, and I stopped being available for overnights, so I’m sort of a traitor, someone who comes in and watches them suffer without helping them.  I feel like I should be sweeping the floor in the lobby while I’m out there.  

If I had a motorized bike, then getting ice up the mountain would be less difficult.  But I won’t have a motorized bike for a while now.  I have to be able to do projects, which means I need warm weather.  

I should move south, like the guy in The Millionaire Fastlane.  He moved to Phoenix because he said that his winter depression was making life impossible and holding him back.  I feel the same.  There are so many things that I can’t do because it’s winter, and so much of my time gets wasted.  I could live in Singapore where they have a free market economy.  

I could also ask the neighbors, again, if I could make an arrangement to use their fridge or use their electricity.  I could plug in my own small fridge outside, and then pay them for the electricity.  I was imagining what would happen if I asked them that.  They might say yes, but be unhappy about it, and it would put a strain on our relationship.  I would feel like I was imposing on them.  

It’s not so much that I’m ‘afraid they’re going to say no.’  That’s lacking detail.  That does not show the details of what exactly is the scenario that I fear will happen.  In the real world, when I am not being mind controlled and zapped constantly and prevented from thinking, I am capable of looking more deeply into that scenario and mentally preparing myself to accept all the possible consequences that I fear, by visualizing them, and by using thought field therapy to tap myself (also known as emotional freedom techniques, the free version that you can get without having to buy videotapes from Callahan).  

The mind controllers simply forbid me to do things, without ever allowing me to look deeply into the feared scenarios and then accept the consequences that I fear.  They zap me while I’m trying to look.  They just bluntly forbid me to ask anything from the neighbors at all, without asking ‘why,’ without analyzing what it is that I fear will happen, without accepting the consequences.  To them, everything everywhere is just forbidden, period, no questions asked, no exceptions, no situational differences, no contexts, no reasons – everything is forbidden.  That’s the reason why I haven’t continued trying to get help from the neighbors.  To them, the attackers, if there is the slightest feeling of anxiety, that is an absolute no, and there is no way to go around that anxiety, to accept it, to move past it, to plan what you will do if some feared scenario happens – nothing, it is an absolute no, it ends there.

But if I decide to go shopping today, I could get food that will last for several days, and then cook it in my little stove at the tent, and set it outside the tent to freeze.  I will be able to do this until at least Saturday.  I don’t know how reliable the long-term forecast is, but it looks like even after Saturday, it will still be in the teens and twenties.  If I live in a freezer, then it’s safe to buy groceries without having a cooler full of ice.  I might do that today.  

I researched coconuts online.  You can buy them fresh and organic from Florida.  Some coconuts have chemicals sprayed on them, and you can buy them without that.  You can buy the coconuts at a younger age so that they will still have water inside them.  As they get older, the water soaks into the sides of the coconut.  This is normal.  I didn’t realize that when I bought the coconuts at my parents’ house.  I’ll have to email Mom and tell her about that.  So I could buy coconuts online and have them delivered, and those wouldn’t require refrigeration.  

I’m looking for any kinds of food that are shelf-stable, able to be kept without refrigeration, that also contain lots of fat, because it’s impossible to find high fat foods anywhere.  If I do find any sources of fat, such as the suet at the grocery store – they have it at Wegman’s – it comes from grain-fed cows, and I want to get fat from grass-fed cows.  But if I order the fat online, it comes in huge quantities, because they have a minimum order amount – you have to buy, like, seven pounds of stuff from them before they will ship anything.  That’s why I haven’t done that yet.  I would have to buy several huge tubs of tallow or lard, and it would spoil without refrigeration.  If I had only a small amount of tallow, I could keep it for a while at room temperature.  It’s rendered, and all the water is boiled out of it, and it can be shelf stable for a while, but there are limits to the amount of time it can be kept, and I probably will start noticing heart-attack symptoms if I am still eating it after a couple weeks.  I haven’t tested this yet, but I suspect it will happen, based on other experiences with eating beef fat.  

How can I advocate a high fat diet, yet at the same time, I personally have experienced heart attack-like symptoms from eating fat?  Because I believe it’s possible to eat high quality fat that is fresh and well kept, and that will cause the fewest symptoms, and it must come from grass-fed animals so that it will be healthier in every way.  But, alas, all of my nutritional testing has come to a complete stop due to where I am living and the fact that I don’t have a fridge.  I stopped cooking years ago after the bone marrow disaster, when I cooked bone marrow and the vapors filled up my fridge and made me vomit when the vapors contaminated all my other food (well, I didn’t actually vomit, but that’s because I forced myself not to).  I am still determined to find out why the bone marrow made me sick, and find out how to prevent that.  

Anyway, I believe that if you eat a high fat diet, it can be very nutritious, but only if you do it properly, and all your food is fresh and high quality, and all your meats are fed wild foods instead of being kept indoors and forced to eat grain and get injected with antibiotics and vaccines and everything else.  

I remember eating vegetable oils in the past.  I originally had the mainstream nutritional beliefs.  I thought I had to use canola oil and things like that.  I would get arthritis every time I used vegetable oils.  My fingers would stiffen and lock up.  My whole body would ache.  I knew, from nutrition class in college, that this was caused by oxidation of the unsaturated fats in the vegetable oil.  They said you had to eat lots of vitamin E to prevent this from happening, but vitamin E is hard to find.  It seems like nuts are the only place you can get vitamin E.  Probably, animal fat contains some kind of vitamin E analog, the same way that pork lard contains a vitamin A analog that cures vitamin A deficiency in laboratory rats even in spite of the fact that the researchers could not find any trace of vitamin A itself in the lard.  Vitamin E is probably the same – it’s probably a cluster of substances that all work together and can partially substitute for each other, instead of being just one single isolated chemical.

Why would anyone assume that a vitamin would be just one chemical?  Why that assumption?  There is no particular reason why a vitamin should *have to* be just one, and only one chemical.  Vitamin C and ascorbic acid are not the same thing.  I was reading about this recently, and I agree with it.  I agree with the whole way of thinking, all the assumptions, of the article I was reading.  It questioned the assumption that all vitamins are one, and only one, chemical.  Why would they be?  Once you question it, if you can understand it deeply, if you can get this insight, then you realize that vitamins can be much more flexible than people think they are, much harder to pin down and isolate, and that if you just take a synthetic vitamin pill containing artificial ascorbic acid in it, you are not getting ‘Vitamin C,’ and the whole idea of Vitamin C has no meaning anymore.  Vitamin C is just something you get from particular foods more than from other foods, and it’s a cluster of chemicals and factors that all occur together.  

Primitive tribes did not know about ‘vitamins,’ and yet they were in better health than the sailors and other modern people who would go on long journeys eating nothing but hardtack (dry crackers made from white flour), tea, coffee, tobacco, and maybe fish occasionally if they had fishing nets on the voyage with them – I don’t know if every boat always had a fishing net to provide fish for itself on long voyages – I would assume they did, but maybe they didn’t.  Then the modern doctors discovered ‘Vitamin C’ and patted themselves on the back and told everybody that they were much smarter and much more educated and superior to those primitive people who didn’t understand medicine and didn’t know about vitamins.  But the primitive people were able to eat healthy diets without any knowledge of vitamins.  

How did I get to these insights that I have today?  I was thinking about this during the fat-hater argument.  There are people who stubbornly believe that obesity is caused by somebody willingly choosing to stuff their face with too much food, and that is all.  They absolutely will not change their minds about this belief, and they will not accept any additional insight or knowledge about it.  

I haven’t had time to do any additional research or reading for a long time now.  I’ve read books that gradually changed my mind over a period of years.  One book after another, one website after another, tests and experiments, observations of my own reactions to food – it is a very long pathway that brought me here.  It is a long series of assumptions and beliefs and values.  

I can trace many of my beliefs back to Ayn Rand.  I read Ayn Rand in my late teens-early twenties, and she formed the background of my assumptions about the world.  To sum it all up quickly, I learned from her that, in general, the government cannot be trusted, the government is evil and incompetent, and individual people should be free to make decisions on their own because they will do a better job of it than the government will.  That assumption is still in the background behind everything I do and everything I believe about life, even decades after reading her books.  That assumption even affects my attitudes about nutrition – I no longer trust the government to tell the truth about what foods are nutritious.  They are either lying or incompetent.  They tell lies about nutrition if it benefits a friend of theirs, such as the soy growers and soybean oil refineries and what not.  And they can tell lies for more sinister reasons, such as, they *want* people to be sick and weak, so that no one can rebel against the government.  

But as I was saying, some people just get stuck in some belief about nutrition, and they stay there for their entire life.  All obesity is caused by nothing more than gluttony and sloth, forever.  

I recently read a socionics article that provided additional insight into the meaning of the plus and minus signs of the information elements.  Plus means ‘evolving,’ and minus means ‘involving.’  I wish I could read Russian – this was a translation.  But I get it.  Based on what I read, it means:  Evolving is ever-changing and growing, whereas involving sort of subsumes new information and includes it in what you already know.  

The LSI is usually the one I’m arguing with when somebody says that obesity is nothing but gluttony and sloth.  Their first function will be +Ti/-Te.  If they have -Te, they are trying to subsume all causes and effects under an existing category of knowledge.  Forever and ever, anything having to do with obesity falls under the existing category of gluttony and sloth.  (I’m just trying to make a theory to explain this, here.  It’s usually LSIs that I’m having this argument with, and I want to explain why.)  They want to say insulting things about fat people, give them some kind of label, label them a bad person – that is the ‘measure of a man’ that they’re doing.  What is the measure of this man?  Bad.  Stupid.  Worthless.  Glutton.  Sloth.  Because they value this and it’s their base function, they want to just blurt out ‘You are a worthless glutton’ to somebody.  

I still need to learn more to be able to describe this aspect of the plus and minus signs.  I also want to know how it connects to use of language.  I notice a difference in the way that the SLE and I (SLI) refer to objects.  A SLE will say things like ‘All dogs,’ referring to all dogs in general, instead of a specific dog.  If I talk about a dog, I might say ‘THAT dog,’ referring to one particular instance of a dog.  A SLE might say ‘Dogs are loyal.’  But I myself feel uncomfortable making generalizations about all dogs.  True, maybe, that a large number of dogs are loyal.  I think this is -Se (in the SLE type) versus +Se (in myself).  

My point was that I think my ‘evolving Te’ is the reason why I am gradually accumulating new knowledge over a period of decades about the causes of obesity.  I might actually believe the opposite of something I believed in the past, yet I’m comfortable with that.  I did actually think that gluttony and sloth were the cause of obesity, when I was much younger, and I thought fat people were just unable to control their urges to eat, and were therefore contemptible.  But that way of looking at things was just so useless.  All you could do with it was insult fat people, make them angry, make them cry, make them feel rejected, but do nothing to help them.  

A fat person can go on an extreme diet, eating 50 calories a day, which is much less than I, a thin person, can eat, and only if they do this, they will lose weight.  Why should a fat person have to starve themselves to a much greater extreme than I myself do?  A fat person has to try really, really hard to do something that I myself do easily without effort.  Why are they different from me?  Even if it is just some kind of ‘weak will’ or ‘too many urges to eat,’ I still have to explain WHY a fat person has ‘more urges’ than I myself do.  Why does a fat person feel hungry and desire food, when I myself do not?  If you can’t explain where those urges come from and why they differ from person to person, then you aren’t able to help anyone or understand anything.  

And my development went from there and continued to where it is today – it’s not merely about having urges to eat, it’s much more complicated than that.  It turns out that breastfeeding *strongly* prevents obesity, whereas bottle-feeding infant formula strongly correlates with obesity (and when I talk about this, I’ll get some asshole who shouts ‘But I was bottle-fed, and I’m thin, therefore your entire argument is garbage!’  I’m saying it STRONGLY CORRELATES with it, and the correlation is so strong that it’s safe to say you should just breastfeed no matter what, no harm done.  And many other things correlate with obesity:  pollution, heavy metals, vaccines, modern foods, prescription drugs, etc.  (Herbal drugs too – I used St. John’s Wort and got fat, temporarily.)

I just wonder why it is that other people don’t develop down this same path of understanding over time.  And I argue with those people in a forum, and get all fired up, but eventually, I just have to quit, and say, ‘Don’t waste time arguing with fools.’  You have to just take some kind of useful action in the world, and prove it through demonstration.  I’m doing something, and it works, and if you look at these beautiful, healthy people and tell me it’s not working, then you’re blind.  

I want to take my bike to the bike shop today.  My brake lines need to be tightened.  They are so stretched out that I can’t close the brakes all the way, and I’ve been dragging my foot on the road as I go down the mountain (when it’s snowy) as a brake.  I try to go slowly on the snow.  Normally, if it’s not snowy, it doesn’t matter that I can’t brake all the way going down the mountain, but I want to go extremely slowly now, and I just can’t go slowly enough down the steep parts when my brakes won’t close all the way.  

I just don’t want to get up.  I’m sitting in the Lemont Cafe.  I’ll have to go catch a bus into town and then take my bike to the shop before they close at 6:00 PM.  

It’s really amazing that I can sleep in a tent without heat in zero degree weather.  No one can believe it.  All you need is tons and tons of insulation.  I’ve measured the temperature in my sleeping bag one time, and it was 87 degrees.  The only reason houses need so much heat is because their water pipes will freeze and burst.  If they didn’t have water pipes, they would not need heat.  People would just sleep in sleeping bags in their houses.  Houses should be much, much, much smaller, and should have much thicker insulation, but unfortunately, all houses are built by fools.  But that’s another story.  I wish the fools would stop ruining the world.  There are fools everywhere ruining everything. 

Having more anxiety today

January 21, 2014

2:00 PM 1/21/2014

I’m having anxiety again today.  I’m extremely frustrated.  I want to go live in an apartment so that I can have a refrigerator and stove, and so that the indoor air will be warm enough that I can do things, productive things, projects, reading books, studying, computer programming, anything at all, any project.  I can’t do anything in my tent.  

But if I get an apartment, I will no longer be able to save money, unless I get a totally different job that makes a lot more money, which inevitably means that I will be forced to work 8AM-5PM Monday through Friday, like every other normal job.  

I hibernated all day yesterday, eating horrible food, which made me obsess relentlessly about how badly I want to have my own grocery store food in a fridge, or, alternatively, I want to have a subsistence hunting system set up, or I want to live on my own farm.  I was eating granola bars and slim jims, which I had bought to eat during work at TB the other day.  

I had a big gallon jug of water that was frozen.  To thaw it out, I pushed it deep, deep down into the sleeping bags, down at the foot of the bag, and just curled up so that my legs weren’t touching it.  Then, every once in a while, I would pull it out and take a few sips from it as it thawed.  

The anxiety attack seemed to begin this morning after I touched my phone.  I do have reason to believe there might be drug residues on the phone, and all I would do is just wipe it off, but I didn’t do that yet.  I saw that I had a voicemail from Steve, but I need to get more tracfone minutes.  

They’ve already started trying to brainwash me to believe that JR gives a shit about me at all.  I want to assume that he does not.  I want to assume the worst.  If I assumed the worst, then I would have to motivate him to spend time with me as a friend, just like any other female friends he might have.  I haven’t done anything horrible yet to totally destroy all hope of any kind of relationship at all.  The door of communication is still open, and even though I do still have some mood problems, I am nowhere near as insanely manic as I was a few years ago.  I can behave in an almost-normal-ish way.  

If the door of communication is still open at all, then the least I can do is try to get him to hang out with me as a friend once in a while, as long as I don’t waste too much of his time, bore him, or prevent him from socializing with other people besides me.  I must assume that all his other male and female friends are more important than I am, and they come first, and if he has any spare time left at all, I might get a few crumbs of it.  He will probably tolerate my friendship.

I am still thinking about my future, wanting to make progress, knowing that I cannot make progress with anything at all right now except saving money.  And I haven’t saved up enough.  It’s never enough.  I felt like I saved tons and tons of money, but it was nothing, and the only reason I have any money at all is because my parents gave me gift money because I visited them and because it was Christmas.  

I think some of my anxiety might be because of the snowstorm and the cold weather that’s coming, too.  I’ve had incidents before where I became very worried and anxious when it was starting to snow.  But that’s not all.  I really am trying to plan my future.  Will I live in an apartment, and have good food, but become totally incapable of saving even a penny from month to month?  Or will I continue to live in a tent, be unable to do any projects at all, but be able to save up a tiny amount of money over time, for some unknown project?