Archive for May, 2011

Talked to mom

May 31, 2011

I talked on the phone to mom because she left a message on my machine. I told her that I’m planning to live in my car. Her response was as bad as I thought it would be. I typed her as probably an ISFJ years ago – ESI in socionics. So she is behaving very much like the asymmetrical relationship description says she would. She is much more worried about me than I am about myself, and I ignore her advice. I was reading about this in the forum, and they said it’s because that person delivers advice through your ignoring function, which is Se for me. She told me to please rethink this, this is not a good idea, you haven’t thought it through as much as you think you have, etc. It’s true, I haven’t found the specific location where I will take showers yet. I might spend a few weeks bathing out of the sink in a gas station bathroom. It’s true that I don’t know how much it costs yet to go to the YMCA to take showers, or that I don’t have a specific person who will let me take showers at their house by arrangement. And I get parasites from bathing in the creek, and the creek is too cold in the winter. I know, I don’t have specific plans yet. I’m just moving my stuff out, and I must, and I will. Mom didn’t even want me to move my stuff into storage. She asked me why I had to do that, and I said that I must leave this apartment regardless of whether I live in my car or in an apartment. I’m sick of driving 20 minutes or longer to get anywhere. I’m not even as worried about the price of gas – I’m not even consciously thinking about the price of gas. I’m not specifically attributing this decision to the rising price of gas. It’s because I can’t take enough time off to sort through and get rid of all my contaminated belongings in storage, and there’s no way I can take time off work when I have to pay $425 in rent and also buy fast food and also suffer from fatigue and mold poisoning and psychotronic attacks. I am too badly stuck and my situation is hopeless, and it’s because of rent more than anything else including gas. Rent is the primary thing that’s destroying my life, aside from the income taxes.

Mom also follows the request recipient pattern by offering to send me money, or actually sending it even if I say no. I would have to literally mail the checks back to her. But I gave up because the murderers forcibly prevented me from taking a stand on this issue – I tried years ago to resist getting checks in the mail from mom, but the murderers zapped me while I was trying to summon up the decision to say no to the money. The money will help me stagnate forever while I just sit back and get a free gift with no incentive to change. Mom doesn’t know how bad my fatigue really is. It is sometimes totally incapacitating for weeks or months. The only thing to do is stop paying rent. Years ago the people controlling me took the position of “yeah! Take the money!” without understanding how harmful it was to me. They wouldn’t let me take a stand. And I tried.

Mom gets even more upset when I try to tell her not to send me money. She says that the money is a sign of her belief that I am a good investment and I will do better in the future. And that is what I expect of myself too, but that doesn’t mean I should just freely get money with no conditions or criteria to achieve. If someone invested in my future in a specific way by, for instance, buying me a factory tool that I needed when I already had a factory up and running and was already doing business, then that would be an investment. They would know I was already successful. They would know I was likely to use the money well. But this is just a free ride. Yay, I can just sit here and have problems and someone will pay for me forever!

Meanwhile there are unconventional solutions that would fix everything, but they don’t want me to try the unconventional solutions, like living in my car. I want drastic and unconventional solutions, because the problem of high rents isn’t going away. The government is going to keep destroying the country more and more. They will raise the debt limit and then go above it and raise it more. There is no debt limit for the government. It is only pretend. Rents will get higher and higher, farmers will go bankrupt more and more, food prices will go up, and this won’t stop. It is going to get worse and worse and worse. I don’t agree with peak oil, but I definitely believe in “peak government.” That’s a sloppy mixed metaphor, but still. Government, taxes, and the banking system are going to continue destroying all of our wealth for many more decades. I only WISH the government would reach a peak and then decline.

I was planning on sorting through the stuff in the bathroom today, but I haven’t done it yet. I am glad I sorted through the other boxes and found my W2s. Maybe I have just enough energy left to go through the bathroom junk.

I decided I wanted to go online some more.

Last night I saw pirates of the Caribbean. I saw the first movie years ago and thought it was surprisingly good. Not the kind of movie that I love and buy on DVD, but good enough to see once or twice. I liked this recent one too. I liked the subplot with the Christian guy and the mermaid, but it has an uncertain ending. I stayed to the end of the credits hoping to see a resolution but the only thing that they showed was the lady on the desert island. That was after the credits. So I expect the Christian guy might be brought back in a future sequel, hopefully.

After seeing the first movie years ago, I googled “pie rats of the carob bean,” and found that someone else on google had already made that joke before me.

I am finally understanding the difference between Ni and Ne. I’ve been reading wikisocion. Ni is focused on predicting how one particular situation will evolve, and Ne is more interested in how a lot of areas of knowledge fit together, and about how the entire world in general will evolve, rather than just one specific area.

I use Ni occasionally, and in the past, before the attacks, I used to use it to urge myself to take action. I would see the future scenarios and decide that I must take action or else the bad scenario will happen. I would see that the past pattern was continuing into the future.

I’m using a library computer with a red-less monitor.

May 31, 2011

The screen looks all weird.  I tried to adjust it, but I gave up – it’s not that important, and I don’t want to make anything worse.  There’s no red color, only yellow and blue and black and white.

Today I sorted through some more papers.  I found my W2s from Weis and McDonald’s.  They were in the box of stuff that was in the back seat of my car.  I remembered that I moved them out of the front seat because I gave a coworker a ride home, and then I forgot that I had stuffed all the mail into the cardboard box in the back seat.  That’s why I couldn’t find my W2s when I was going to try to do my taxes this year.  I haven’t done my federal tax return at all – it’s just several months late now.  I just didn’t do it.  They haven’t even written me a letter telling me that it wasn’t done.  I’m guessing they’ll save it all up for later, and then give me some huge, gigantic fine to pay for not doing it.  But instead, I found the W2s, and I’ll soon be filling it out and trying to get a refund, if the government even has any money left to give to me (I realize we’ve been bankrupt for over a century now).  ‘Bankrupt for over a century’ is one of those things that has to do with the gold standard.  I won’t get into that now.

So I went through a box of stuff, and I threw out a bunch more trash from the house today.  These are just backlogs, not real progress.  My future is no better because of this activity.  However, it will make it easier to move out if I have fewer boxes of papers and junk that I don’t need.  My bills are set up to automatically deduct from my bank account, so I usually ignore all of my mail, including the bills, and throw it into a box.  I hate the junk mail – it happens because of the government postal system – you cannot opt out of junk mail or ask the post office to stop delivering it to you.

The more I read Rick’s forum posts about Peak Oil, the more I am believing it.  And at the same time, there is another part of me trying to explain things differently:  the economic collapses are caused by the money supply, NOT by a shortage of oil or any changes in how hard it is to get oil or the EROEI.  It’s too long of a subject though, and I’m not talking to him, and he’s not talking to me, and even if he were, it makes no difference, because we are not making decisions together.  Also, I agree with the conclusions that he’s drawn, because they are still true even if ‘peak oil’ is not.  It’s still true that the economy is bad.  He just has the wrong reason why it’s bad.  The economy is going to be bad for a long time, and it’s going to have ups and down, boom and bust cycles, until an unknown event happens, and I don’t know when that will happen.

But it’s the money supply, not the oil supply, that is causing this.  The price of a resource can go up, and it doesn’t cause the entire economy to collapse, even if everything depends on that resource, IF the money system is healthy.  This money system is corrupt and manipulated, and the prices of things no longer have much connection to actual scarcities or shortages.  It’s possible to artificially lower the prices of things by speculating. People don’t just speculate prices upwards, they speculate them downwards too.  Everything that I think I want to tell Rick, he usually already knows, as he seems to have more time to read and study than I do, and has spent more time talking about what’s going on in society – so he probably has already heard about speculators and ‘short positions’ and how you can sell something you don’t own, and then buy it later, and never actually deliver the product to anyone, and no one ever expects it to be delivered.

When prices are artificially lowered by speculators, that can cause actual shortages. Artificially low prices on farm products make it unprofitable to run a farm.  That is why we have these horrible factory farms with the mistreatment of animals, and the use of pesticides and fertilizers, and people growing corn for ethanol instead of growing products we actually need.  All of this is partly caused by the artificially low prices on farm products.  I’m thinking of Garet Garrett’s story about grain speculation.  It’s a fiction story but I loved the way it was written.

If people try to take delivery on things that you promised you would sell them, and you go to the warehouse and it isn’t there, then that’s a default.

I’m just writing this because I was reading his forum posts and this is a substitute for talking to the real person.  This actually is not a very well thought out explanation, as I would have to actually talk to him to find out what he believes, what conclusions he has drawn, etc.

My only caution is that people should not assume that the price of oil is just going to go up and up and up.  The price of oil is not controlled by actual shortages.  It is controlled by arbitrary forces such as speculation and the banking system.  Prices can drop suddenly when they raise the margin requirements for speculators, for instance.  I’m rushing because I have four minutes before I get logged out (at which point, I will log back in again).

On a different post he mentions the ‘total photosynthetic capacity of the earth’ as being a factor that sets a limit on population growth.  This is interesting to me.  There is a finite amount of sunlight hitting the earth.  I’m at the library and I’m distracted by all these people walking around and talking… Surface areas can be increased enormously with fractal-like objects.  I’m picturing molecules that store energy differently than chlorophyll; picturing methods of collecting sunlight from plants or bacteria that survive at the frozen polar temperatures; the subject is both ridiculous and irresistible.  Why worry about the total photosynthetic capacity of the earth?; and yet, what other subject could be more fascinating to talk about?  Bacteria that thrive in hot springs or around the lava seeping from cracks in the bottom of the oceans; I’m imagining ways to get energy and food from something other than photosynthesis.

I’d look for real humans to talk to instead of some faraway online person who refuses to invest in this relationship; but there are not that many genius IEEs wandering around with a label on their shirts to tell me that’s what they are.  Finding people is a process that I cannot invest in right now.  It involves the unbearable torture of using a dating website.  And… I’ve been thinking about the phenomenon of bonding with people, wondering why it is that I so strongly, stubbornly refuse to bond deeply with anyone.  I don’t want to form bonds and then leave the area and break them all.  I’ve been trying, and trying, to think this out and understand it and decide what to do about it.  I am neither leaving the area, nor forming bonds, and the real-world result is that I have kept on living in an area that I hate, while also, refusing to bond with anyone.  Why?  Time passes, and I will lose the opportunity to ever have children.  Then it will be gone forever.  And I have so many opinions about children, about what is right and wrong to do with them, about how to feed them and how to talk to them and how to give birth – I have so wanted to try these things.  But I loathe all the people around me and can’t find anyone intelligent enough that I could stand the idea of living with them for decades.  I only find IEEs of average intelligence who gladly accept and embrace the culture we live in.  I want to find intelligent people who reject this culture.

I won’t have enough time to write much.  I’m just reading.  My priorities right now are to get out of this apartment and adjust to living in my car for an unknown period of time.  I still haven’t confessed to my parents that this is what I plan to do – Mom will be horrified.  Dad might just be sort of skeptical about it, but probably not as terrified as Mom will be.  Mom will be in the ‘OH MY GOD YOU CAN’T LIVE IN YOUR CAR!!!’ level of response.  Dad will be in the ‘How do you expect to be able to do X?’ level of discussion.  Mom might actually freak out enough to invite me to come home and live in the house with them.  However, this won’t work for me, as I react to Mom’s Paxil, Dad’s blood pressure drugs, and whatever else it was that got all over my clothing and made me crazy for a couple weeks after I visited them.  Being able to control my physical environment is the reason why I want to live in my car and not in a house that someone else owns.

So we are waiting to see this:  ‘How long until she freaks out and does something random and impulsive, and what will that be?’ Put up an ad and go move in with a roommate?  Go home to live with parents?  Other?  Live in the car, get used to it, learn to love it, overcome challenges such as zero-degree winter weather, and how do I pee in a bucket without anybody seeing me, and where do I store my leftovers after going through the drive-thru, and what on earth will I do with all the tons of extra money that I’ll be saving once I’m no longer paying rent?  That last one will be the hardest one, I think – woe is me, what on earth will I do with the tons and tons of money I’ll have?  Actually, it’s much more likely that instead of earning and saving money, I will decide to drastically cut back my work hours.  I will then spend much less money, earn much less money, and continue to save nothing for the future, but at least I will have free time.  During the free time, what will I do?  I’m planning to study accounting some more.  That is meant to permanently improve my future standard of living by making it possible for me to do a job that requires thinking instead of physical movement, while at the same time, earning a potentially huge amount of dollars per hour.  That’s the goal:  a permanent increase in my standard of living.  During my free time, I will study.

I want to liberate everyone else and cooperate with them.  What will THEY do with THEIR free time?  Will they work with me?  Will we trade with each other?  What ideas and knowledge will they develop when they are no longer working to pay rent?  When we are squatting on unowned land and hoping the police don’t arrest us, and while we’re keeping all our belongings elsewhere in a secure location like a storage unit, hoping the price of storage units doesn’t rise too high…

I have to publish this. I’m out of time soon.

60 days till I’m out of the apartment

May 30, 2011

Today I went through a couple of boxes of old papers. I also got rid of some contaminated clothes. I was going through a box of papers and I noticed that every single thing in there was junk mail. Then I got to the bottom of the box and was finding things like wads of plastic, grocery bags, wrappers, paper, and bits of food. I realized that I had been sorting through a garbage box that had been the result of a previous sorting of papers in some other box. That explained why everything in there was garbage. Oh well, I had to make sure.

Then I went through another box with things like bills in it. I was always told to save my old electric bills and things like that. The only time I’ve ever needed them was when I was applying for the low cost medical care (long story) at Centre Volunteers in Medicine. But I save them anyway. They are supposed to prove you have been a resident someplace for a length of time.

I feel better after having gotten a tiny bit of work done today. I have 60 days until July 29th when I have to move out. I can still work slowly right now. I can do it without panicking or pressure. I’m writing the number of days left on the calendar so that I will remember to keep working on it. I’ll have an idea how much time is left and how much more I have to do.

International keyboard on the ipod

May 30, 2011

I was playing with my iPod and I added every international keyboard available. There were 47. I scrolled through them. You can hand-draw Chinese on the screen and it tries to recognize which letter it is. It’s neat to draw on your iPod with your thumb. Now I want a drawing program with a touch screen. That might revive my interest in making cartoons.

As always I’ve had another reaction to something, but I will fix it soon. The same old story. Not my uniform but my shoes. I expect that I will be constantly having reactions while I’m living in my car, until someday when I can get the car reupholstered.

I had to actually get another new shirt. The first one was made of the wrong fabric, and it was like wearing plastic wrap over my whole upper body. It didn’t let the air out. The fabric has to breathe.

We are getting new uniforms soon and they won’t be a plain white shirt anymore. I won’t be able to buy a decoy shirt at Wal-Mart the way I’ve been doing. I’ll figure something out but it will be a pain.

This week isn’t my vacation. I’m assuming that’s because of the Trash To Treasure sale that will be going on in Hills Plaza. But our business has been slowing down lately, and as soon as the students are all gone, business will totally die. Our hours will be reduced in the summer – yet another reason why I usually like to have two jobs, but this year, I will cut expenses instead. Alhough, by the time I get out of this apartment, summer will be over and I’ll be getting more hours at work again.

I hope I can work on moving out during my two days off on Monday and Tuesday. Usually on those days I need to relax and enjoy life, so I do nothing, and take walks, and go outside. It will be hard to do more heavy work on those days and then go back to mcd and do more work. If something is difficult to do, then I am unlikely to do it, no matter how important it is. I read that somewhere in the description of the SLI personality, and I agreed – that’s something I’ve always hated about myself. I can’t force myself to do urgent important things that I desperately must do, until the last three days or so, when a deadline is imminent. If it’s difficult or painful I just won’t do it.

About languages: I’d like to learn a language by singing. I like the song “No Tengas Miedo Volar,” by an obscure little singer who might not even be on the web anymore – I bought the song years ago and I forget her name. I am able to memorize songs in foreign languages without understanding them.

If I could learn an entire language by singing songs, it would be so easy. The alphabet song, for instance.

I got this idea recently while reading about literacy. I recently said in my blog that I wanted a magic keyword that would lead me to the world of the IEE personality type. “Literacy” was the word that “they” suggested a couple days later after they woke me up. So I googled literacy. Literacy is definitely “the world of the IEE,” and also of other intuitive types. I also learned the word “orality,” from cultures where people pass down knowledge orally. So I was thinking of how songs are useful for memorizing things. They would help you memorize an entire language. It’s easy to memorize thousands of songs.

The songs should be formulaic. William Russo’s book, “Composing music – a new approach,” describes how to write simple songs. The book has exercises to do, similar to Schaum’s Outlines. Follow the rules when you are a beginning songwriter, and later on you can break the rules if you are competent enough to know how to do it well. For the mnemonic songs, you should write simple formulaic melodies, at least at first. But of course I’d love to see long complex structured expressive multilayered songs too.

So… Mnemonic songs to learn a language, all of the language, not just the alphabet, but everything.

Trying again to post this

May 27, 2011

I tried posting this a couple days ago, but I was having problems with the wireless and a couple things didn’t show up. An update on what this post was about: yes, I am doing much better with the new uniform. The old clothes were the ones I was wearing all winter long while the vinyl was ripped off the car seat, so the pants were contaminated the worst.

Watch for weird typos and random word changes from my automatic spell checker. I’m writing on my iPod at home before work.

I got a new uniform at Wal-Mart. I’ve been reacting to the old uniform so that I’m more sexual than I would normally be, and by the time I got home from work every day I was in that poetic writing mode and obsessed with my coworker. He probably isn’t sexually attracted to me – most likely he was just sad because he missed having a familiar person there at the place and time where they would usually be. I am vulnerable to this crush now as I am unbonded. I don’t want to just grab the nearest random person. But that will happen if I am unbonded while also reacting to an arousal-inducing drug residue. So the new uniform was an emergency. I also wrote sexual sounding stuff in the forum after work too. I won’t be writing there much now that I’m off the net, and the only reason to go there was Rick, who won’t speak to me. (this is almost as slow as handwriting!)

I have to move out my minimal possessions. I called another storage place today and I will get my computer into a semi-climate-controlled unit. I also have other electronic stuff to go there, like old cassettes and disks.

I am very concerned about this crush. I always had a crush on Curtis during the time period when I was working with this other guy, but now I don’t have a crush on anyone at all and so I automatically bond with whoever is there. I keep thinking about him now and hoping I’ll see him. I know that a relationship would be rather limited. He might even be the same type as Peter, who was an Eagle Scout and often talks about how proud he was of that achievement. So it would be rewarding and frustrating in the same ways that my relation with Peter was. Except he’s physically healthy. But the conversation style might be similarly limited. I have to go to work now.

Test

May 26, 2011

told my landlady I’m leaving; disconnected from the net

May 24, 2011

So that is what I did this morning.  I told her I didn’t know for sure where I was going to live.  She said she would give me the paperwork anyway in case I decided at the last minute that I had to stay here because I hadn’t found anywhere else to live.  I’m planning to live in my car for a few months.  ‘Not having anywhere else to live’ means my car broke down or got destroyed or towed away or something.  The car is my snail shell.

I haven’t died yet from the tick bite yesterday, but I did feel that the lymph node in my upper leg seems slightly painful, but only just barely – I wouldn’t notice it if I weren’t keenly (and paranoidly) paying attention to it to see if anything happened.  There was a slight pain leading upwards from the bite to the lymph node.  I’m watching to see if I get anything ending with -itis.  Or that other one, what’s it called?  Lyme disease is one of them.

I was reading about covering yourself with mud to stop mosquitoes from biting.  I haven’t had an opportunity to try this yet, as there haven’t been any mosquitoes on my walks so far.  From what I’ve read, it’s best if you use clay.  Clay is a very fine-grained soil, so the chunks won’t fall off you as easily as something with larger grains.  I wonder if it stops ticks too?  I’m interested in any non-chemical bug deterrents, as I hate getting sick from pesticides.  Mud is easily found everywhere as long as there’s water.

I also haven’t tried eating worms or insects yet.  This is on my list of things to do in the future.  ‘If nobody’s doing it, there’s a reason,’ says the Murphy’s Law.

***********************

I wasn’t trying to ‘win’ against Rick.  I was in a manic state and doing crazy things that didn’t make sense and which were not done deliberately with a conscious purpose behind them.  Mostly I was desperate to get him to respond to me at all.  I am saying this because I noticed he said something on someone else’s thread in the forum about ‘winning’ in petty social situations and how it doesn’t work unless they take you seriously.

I decided years ago that nobody ‘enjoys’ or ‘gets off on’ doing things anonymously on the internet.  That was because I used to have this horrible thing going on where I was being electronically attacked and forced to write emails to ‘Nerdman.’  Then the computers would get hacked in a harassing way as a ‘response,’ and ‘they’ would put all these rationales into my mind as to why someone would do that.  I used to believe that people could ‘get off on’ hurting people over the net, but now I have decided that there are no feelings over the net – not like that – real feelings are what you get from seeing and touching people in person, and anything that you feel over the net is a twisted, incomplete feeling that has hardly any connection to the real world.  This is a long story, and I’m nervous because my time’s running out and I’ll soon have to log back in.

Okay, I’m logged back in.

So anyway, I used to theorize that the hackers were sitting in some faraway place pushing buttons on their computers and getting off on the fact that they were torturing people faraway.  This was, in my mind, the definition of absolute evil.  Some faraway person that nobody can retaliate against, who controls everyone else.  It was the definition of a psychopath or sociopath.  A soulless person who does nothing but constantly lie and manipulate everyone, while having no ‘self’ of their own at all.

I decided that this idea was impossible.  Every human is vulnerable and real.  If there is such thing as a sociopath, for instance, serial killers, they have a brain disease.  I’m not saying that this is okay or that we shouldn’t put serial killers in jail.  I’m just saying that it’s a logical contradiction somehow to define a person as ‘inhuman’ or ‘absolutely evil.’  There is no such thing as a Cylon (Battlestar Galactica), a robot in a human body.

From this, I decided that the hackers cannot possibly ‘get off on’ hurting people from far away, because no one is capable of truly ENJOYING a long-distance, internet-only interaction. What I mean is, no one is able to deeply and completely be ‘nourished’ by an internet-only interaction, and the ‘absolute evil sociopath’ theory imagines that the sociopaths deeply and sincerely and completely ‘benefit’ from attacking and hurting people.  I am saying, they do not benefit from it.  It is some twisted struggle as they try, and fail, to get something that they need.

I have had incidents where the attackers forced me to feel physical sensations or emotions that they then directed towards someone on the net.  Those weren’t even my real feelings.  (It’s so hard to type on this keyboard – the keys STICK, so that I can’t push them down.  It’s actually making it hard for me to say what I want to say.)

It looks like I was making some pathetic attempt to ‘win’ against Rick by arguing about peak oil.  What I was doing was, trying to interact with him AT ALL.  And I was having a reaction to a drug residue on my clothing, which was no accident, I think – I think it was something that ‘they’ forced to happen.

The drug residue theory will probably disappear with me when I die.  I do not see anybody else recreating this theory.  I also don’t see myself getting into a situation where I would be able to convince large numbers of people that transdermal drug residues are real.  (By the way, I’m at the Schlow library right now, which has wooden chairs, not upholstered ones, and I don’t get as much of a reaction while sitting on smooth surfaces that quickly get wiped off, so hopefully if I use this place I won’t react as much as I did when I was at the Bellefonte library.)

I think Ramiel Nagel is an IEE.  I bought his book, ‘Cure Tooth Decay,’ which takes Weston Price’s research and goes into more detail about it.  He has the ‘Wow!  I found something wonderful and amazing!’ feeling throughout his writing.  I read one of the socionic descriptions of an IEE as a doctor – it was one of the translated foreign language descriptions.  It said that IEEs as doctors are interested in telling everybody about the amazing new discovery/treatment/method X, whatever it is, and it reminded me of Ramiel Nagel.  There are other reasons why I think he’s an IEE based on his writing.  I am trying to learn to recognize them by their writing style. He also had something about being involved in ’emotional medicine’ or something like that – it was his field of study – I would have to look it up again.

I like it when my unconscious stereotypes are discovered, and broken.  I thought ‘IEEs can’t be doctors,’ but there in the type description it said they can, and I think I found one.

I looked at Maritsa’s blog whenever I did a google search for socionics VI.  Now that I’ve seen her blog, I’m noticing everyone’s superciliary arches and the way their neck connects to their head.  This is an informal typing method and it cannot be used as the one and only method of typing someone.  But it’s interesting because VI is breaking my stereotypes too.  I had a co-worker who I was thinking was a Feeling type.  She always laughs nervously in kind of a submissive, ‘I’m cute’ way.  It means ‘No one takes me seriously.’  I’ve done that too, many times, when I feel like people aren’t taking me seriously.  It doesn’t mean I’m a feeling type!  So I noticed that she seems to have the more pronounced superciliary arches and I thought, ‘What if she is a thinking type?’ Even though you could disprove all of VI and show that it’s nothing but total garbage, it was still useful because it made me question a stereotype that people who laugh and giggle all the time are feeling types.  Once I had questioned this assumption, I was able to see that she really doesn’t have a lot of strength in the ‘feelings’ area, and also, that the guys who flirt with her and play with her a lot are the guys who I’ve typed as F types.  There are several guys who seem to have extraverted ethics, and she likes them.  She also seems to like the guys with introverted ethics, but not as openly as the Fe ones.  I’m thinking she might actually be an LSI.  This is just a hypothesis for now.

I read about normal anatomical variations years ago.  For instance, there are some big blood vessels that are able to connect at a higher point, or a lower point, to another artery.  Surgeons have observed this.  It affects the way the blood flows.  But there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with it being different.  There are many other normal anatomical variations in the body.  Some people have two thymus glands (if I recall correctly), while others have only one.  (I’m too lazy to google search for it right now.)  Some of these variations are significant, but no one really knows about them until they have surgery or until they’re dead and someone does an autopsy on them.

Personality types might be associated with some normal anatomical variations.  If your nerves join each other in a particular way, for instance.  I hadn’t known that there were variations in the way the spinal cord joins the brain, but once I saw the pictures, I recognized those types of heads and I realized I had noticed that before, but it had no significance to me.

I already know about variations in the amount of metabolic enzymes you can produce – for instance, is it easy for you to metabolize the natural salicylate in fruits and vegetables, or not?  People also vary in their ability to metabolize drugs and alcohol.

I don’t think I’ll get an opportunity to guess people’s types, and then take pictures of them, and analyze the pictures for similarities.  I would like to, though.  VI is fascinating to me right now.  It serves a purpose for me.  It makes me feel as though all these strangers walking by might actually be interesting people.  I am totally disconnected from society and extremely antisocial (yes, I still go to work, pay for things with cash, etc), and I see all the people around me as being closed and inaccessible, too (pardon my language) stupid to understand anything that matters to me, too stupid to understand any issues that I think are important, too stupid to have any deep feelings about anything, clueless about our society and how unhealthy it is – I see them all as people happily embracing television and football and Penn State and unaffordable huge mansions – but VI is making me look more deeply at all the people passing by and wondering, ‘What if one of those people could actually understand me?’  What if one of them really is an IEE who is intelligent enough to understand what I say and what I care about?  What if they could care about the same things I do?  What if I could actually feel a connection with one of them?

I know that I am in the ‘open bond’ state right now because of my intense reaction to my coworker, the ‘request recipient.’  I didn’t know that he knew I existed.  Now that I think about it, I recall that I worked with another person of that type, an older man, at State of the Art, Inc.  When I got laid off and had to leave my job, he cried and cried (and I did too).  We had worked next to each other and with each other every day for, how long, more than a year.  He said he felt like he was losing his right arm, as in, *I* was his ‘right arm.’

It was those incidents that made me start asking questions about economics and layoffs.  Why do we get laid off?  Why isn’t there a better way of doing things?  The answer is because of economic forces caused by the banking systems, and also, because of laws and regulations that make it very difficult to lower people’s wages, and difficult to run a business AT ALL.  It’s a long and complicated answer which I won’t attempt to explain in less than 17 minutes on a keyboard that sticks!

The layoff was horrible.  I had already lost a previous job, which went bankrupt and shut down after the dotcom boom, in 2002 or so.  Then I went to State of the Art and got laid off again.  After that, I stopped working for the temp agencies, stopped trying to get ‘nice’ jobs in offices, stopped trying to work for any manufacturing companies or technology companies, stopped working for anybody who was living on borrowed money and had to make big profits now or declare bankruptcy, and instead, I started working at safe, reliable jobs that would always be there, so that I would have fewer incidents of saying goodbye to coworkers while we all cried our eyes out, which shouldn’t have happened at all.  That’s why I went back to fast food – no layoffs, no bankruptcies.

The point was that yes, that old coworker loved me in his way, and cried when I left, and we were very attached to each other.  So I can imagine him, in this guy’s body, feeling something similar.  This guy was suppressing intense emotions every time I talked to him for the past few weeks.  I had changed my schedule and quit working weekends because I was trying to get a job with the temp agency, a second job, and I was going to make the two schedules work together.  For various reasons it didn’t work out and I abandoned that plan and changed my mind.  But I was too lazy and too scared to change my schedule again – I didn’t like having to tell the manager every time I wanted to change my schedule.  It was actually this guy who convinced me to go back on weekends.  His intense suppressed feelings seemed like grief and pain.  Every time I talked to him, he would start to look and sound like he was going to cry.  I didn’t understand it.  He was also giving me distrustful, hurt looks.  I realized that he only worked on weekends (mostly) and that I was rarely seeing him at all anymore.  Then I realized there was another person who only worked on weekends and I never saw him anymore, either, and I missed him too.  So I went back to weekends.

I knew he existed and I thought he was attractive but I didn’t think he cared much about me one way or the other.  It was strange to see him reacting intensely to me.  I had intense feelings around him the first two days I was back on the weekend.  Every time he walked close to me I felt my skin prickle as though he was breathing down my neck.  I could feel electricity, like static.  I’ve never touched him except briefly by accident.  I wanted to touch him and was obsessed with him during those couple of days.  I am vulnerable to this because I’m in ‘open bond mode,’ not being attached to anyone, trying to break my unfortunate internet-only long-distance crush (which as always was being pushed and encouraged by ‘them’).  I’m like an ion.

This time, I left my clothes by the tree.

May 23, 2011

I’m off work, and I went walking today.  Last time I was at Fisherman’s Paradise, I took off my shoes and left them by a tree and walked on the paths barefoot.  This time, I left my shoes back at the car, and went barefoot the whole way.

After going deeper into the woods, where there weren’t any people, I took off the rest of my clothes and left them by a tree. 

I then went up the same path I had gone up before, up to the field on top of the hill, but I didn’t go all the way to the housing development.  I walked into the field through the tall grass to look at a flower that looked like columbine, and I saw that I was right, that’s what it was.  After stepping back onto the path, I felt an intense itch on my leg, and saw a tiny tick on my inner thigh, a smaller tick than I had ever seen before.  I scratched it off.  I was accustomed to seeing much bigger ticks down in West Virginia when I used to go walking in the woods and fields.

It had taken only a few seconds to get used to walking around naked.  I’m used to being naked all the time in my house.  I’ve been naked outside once before.  I was with my friend Rachael, and we dared each other to walk down the street naked in the middle of the night.  We walked together.  I took off my clothes, but she didn’t.  A car went by, and it turned out to be the morning newspaper delivery guy, who recognized me and knew my family.  He told my father what I was doing.  This was a rural area where many people knew each other.  When I got home my parents were mad at me.  I can’t believe that jerk would make such a big deal out of it and feel the need to protect the morals of the community in that particular way.  It was nothing.  I can’t believe he actually went to tell my father about it.

So yeah, people sometimes have stupid reactions to the sight of naked people. 

After I finished walking along the isolated paths, I went down to the more populated areas.  There was a road on the other side of Spring Creek, and a couple cars were going by, but not many.  I stepped down into the creek.  The water was painfully cold.  I stood there and got used to it.  The mud was so deep that my feet squished down really far into it and I couldn’t keep my balance while the water was rushing around me and knocking me over.  So I was stumbling, stepping on rocks and squashing down into the mud, while also fighting the rushing water.  I got in up to about waist deep.  It was too cold for me to go all the way under, but I wanted to.  I might do it next time if it’s 90 degrees outside. 

A car went by and I just crouched down so that I was partly under the water.  They could see my upper body.  At that point I was in a place where I could crouch far down enough that nothing was really visible.  Then, a fisherman who I had passed on my way in (while I was dressed) was leaving, and he saw me too, when I was getting out.  I hope I didn’t upset him too badly – it wasn’t HIS fault that he accidentally saw me naked.  Right after I got my clothes back on, a whole school bus full of kids went by.  I should have stayed naked a couple seconds longer.

I’m going to try to do it again with a group of people.  Someone commented on my blog a while back and gave me a link to a website, britishnaturists.org or something like that.  I enjoyed reading it and decided that I am officially a nudist. 

I’m at the library right now…

Talking about the end of the world more than tripled the hits on my blog.

May 22, 2011

I normally get somewhere between 15-25 hits on my blog every day, even if I don’t write anything that day, as people are finding a lot of my pages in google searches. The other day I suddenly had 67 hits because I was talking about the end of the world. Now I wish I had made it a really good post instead of just a silly, brief little joke. I started hearing voices later that day, and the voices were saying that people were really scared about it, and it’s not a joke and it’s not funny, and they really wanted to read more in depth about it. Unfortunately, it’s too late now for me to do that. I would have written a more careful and thoughtful post if I had known that anybody actually cared to see it, or if I had known that people would be googling ‘the end of the world’ and finding my blog because they were scared about it and wanted to be reassured. I certainly would not joke about something if I was talking to a person who was actually scared and wanted to be calmed down by a thoughtful, logical explanation.

I would have said that lots of people have predicted the end of the world, and have been wrong, dozens and dozens of times. However, I would not have been easily able to find examples. The only book I have on this subject is Julian Simon, and I don’t do much reading nowadays, due to limited time and energy, so I would have to do a lot of research to find other examples of people who predicted disasters that didn’t happen.

request recipient

May 21, 2011

I am having an intense reaction to someone who is my socionic request recipient, if I have identified that person correctly. I didn’t realize that my schedule change would cause pain to that person, but it did. I’ve changed my schedule back somewhat and will be seeing that person more often. Now I am feeling an intense desire to bond with him or make up for it somehow, but I am also aware of this feeling that the slightest bond at all is a lifetime bond. I don’t know how to balance that and express it, while at the same time, knowing that we aren’t duals, and our relationship will have some strain, but nevertheless there are intense feelings that I want to express, and I am picking up feelings from him as well. It is not necessarily sexual, but yet, it is in some ways. It is intensely emotional. And I have that feeling that there are things I want to tell him about, and I have this desire to make sure that he is happy and he gets what he wants in life, especially in love. I want to tell him that I know what kind of woman he is looking for. I even feel a desire to help him find her.

I know if we spent a lot of time together, we would feel the strain after a while. I can feel it when we work together for long periods of time, but in the beginning, when we first see each other, we feel refreshed and have intense feelings and a desire to connect. I would want to have a conversation and tell him things, but I would also need a boundary to make sure that we do not exhaust ourselves in a conversation that goes on for too long without any restrictions. I don’t want our interactions to become an unpleasant burden that we both dread. I want us to know our limitations.

This is one of those times when I feel like reading about touch deprivation again. There are cultures where physical contact is much more acceptable than it is here. I could express most of my feelings if only I could touch him easily and have it not be seen as inappropriate. It doesn’t necessarily even feel sexual. It feels like emotional torture. And it was unintentional, and I didn’t realize that I would be hurting him at all. But he responded intensely and I could not help noticing it, several times. As soon as I understood what was happening, I wanted very much to fix it. I will be spending more time with him now, as I was before. I did not know that he valued me.

The end of the world: At the stroke of midnight tonight, somebody somewhere will realize they’ve made a huge mistake in front of millions of people.

May 21, 2011

The end of the world is going pretty smoothly here.

Some people thought it was yesterday. I had google searches leading to my blog, saying the last day was supposed to be on 5-20-11. I also read news articles saying it was 5-21-11. So I don’t know which is the official date.

I wonder what they will be saying tomorrow. And I hope nobody did anything stupid, like committing suicide or something, thinking that it was the end of the world. Or dangerous things. Or whatever. It’s best if you just sit there and do whatever you normally do, and wait till tomorrow.

I heard that the world ends tomorrow.

May 20, 2011

11:52 AM 5/20/11

I heard a rumor that the world ends tomorrow. Goodbye, world! Yawn. I already know that I’m one of the chosen ones who will get to live in a brand new world that looks and feels exactly like the old one, so I’m not too worried about it. I’ll just keep on doing whatever I’m doing. Life is easy when you’re one of the chosen ones.

I got a courtesy call from copper.net telling me that my service would soon expire, and that I might call them to arrange a payment so that I would not have an interruption in service. But since the world is ending tomorrow, I’m afraid that my internet service probably will be interrupted no matter what I do. I’ll call him back on Monday once we’ve all settled in to our new world that looks and feels exactly like the old one.

I wonder if the end of the world will be a big, messy thing, with lots of chaos and interruptions of internet services, or whether it will be a smooth, seamless transition that we don’t even notice? Why can’t the government do something about it???

Actually, this is happening right around the time when I myself am making big changes in my lifestyle. So for me it is kind of like letting go of the old world and moving into a new world.

Today I got a letter about re-applying to live in this apartment. I have to tell the landlady that I’m not going to live here this fall.

May 19, 2011

1:32 PM 5/19/11

I just found a letter taped to my door, from the landlady. It said that I was supposed to meet with her on May 12th, and I didn’t. I had gotten the previous letter, but I didn’t realize that I had been scheduled for a meeting on May 12th, because I had just glanced at the first letter and set it aside. I have to get recertified every year so that they can make sure I meet the low income requirements.

My apartment is $425 a month. It’s huge, way too big for just one person. (I’m allowed to have only one roommate.) In my opinion, about six or eight people could live in here if they were willing to tolerate not having much space or privacy, and if they had a minimal number of possessions, and no furniture. So they’d be paying $71 a month each. I’d be willing to put up with not having much space or privacy for $71 a month, as long as we were forbidden to have televisions.

The only reason nobody is doing this is because it’s illegal. That is one of the stupid laws that I wish I could change. We are REQUIRED BY LAW to use our physical space wastefully. So we live in these low-density apartments. I live in a two story apartment building. If this apartment weren’t here, and if we were just camping in tents on the ground, we could fit MORE PEOPLE per square foot directly on the ground, simply because we wouldn’t be required by law to waste our space, with only two people in an apartment big enough for several more. You’d think that having a two story building would increase the number of people who could fit on a square foot of ground, but no. This is extremely wasteful and expensive.

It’s true that when you have a very tall skyscraper, it DOES fit more people per square foot of land than you can fit directly on the ground, even if they are required to waste the space in their apartments.

So anyway, this letter is telling me I need to call her so that I can reschedule. That means I am now being pressured to make a decision. I do not want to be recertified this year. I would like to move out. Even if my attempt to live in my car fails, I still need to move somewhere. I never accepted Bellefonte. I am still working at a job in State College. Many of the things I want to buy are in State College. So I do too much driving. Worst comes to worst, I could temporarily live in my car and then, later on, put up an ad saying I wanted to be someone’s roommate. I don’t like living with anyone – I am very misanthropic when it comes to living close to other people, as they always have televisions blaring and I hate that more than anything else. If only I had a silent roommate who did nothing but read books all day, I would probably be fine.

I’m being pressured to decide now, but that is a good thing. If I tell her that I’m not going to be living here, then an outside agency will begin pressuring me to leave. I will be aware that I have an obligation to do something. I will feel anxious. I will know that I have to start soon so that I can be ready when it’s time for the lease to end. It won’t be just me, by myself, without any pressure, vaguely wishing that I could leave this place and move someplace else.

I haven’t gotten to know anyone here, deliberately. I have strongly avoided bonding with anyone or making friends ever since I moved to State College in 1997. The only friends I have made have been a couple of boyfriends: Eric, and then Peter. I really only know two people here. Everyone else is a coworker. I do feel attached to my coworkers. But they are not really friends. It’s hard for most people to imagine living an extremely antisocial, reclusive life, and consciously and deliberately strongly avoiding making any new friends. I always felt that I didn’t want to stay here, and so, I didn’t want to form friendships with anyone because it hurts so much to break the bonds later on. I already had friends in Scott Depot, WV, from high school, and then later, from Shepherdstown, WV, in college, and previously, from Greensburg, PA, where I lived until I was eight – and I didn’t want to move away from Greensburg. I don’t like breaking away from friends. So I have been extremely antisocial as I was always vaguely wishing I could go someplace else. But my life disasters always made this impossible to do for real. My life has been nothing but a constant disaster for almost a decade now.

I’m going to tell her that I’m not recertifying, even though I am not yet ready to move out, and I’m not yet sure what I will do in reality. This might be one of those things where I panic and crumble and say ‘I can’t do this!’ and then go do the ‘default routine’ instead, which is, go find another apartment and move in. There are so many reasons why I don’t want to do that, though. I am sick of living a totally stagnant, hopeless life where nothing ever changes and nothing gets any better.

Luckily, I’ve left most of my stuff in storage since I came here in 2009. I only have a relatively few things up here. And I’ve never bought heavy furniture, for instance, big heavy couches made of wood – I’ve always bought folding card tables and folding chairs, and no bed at all, just a mat on the floor, because I always knew they would all have to be removed later on. Still, it will take a lot of trips to do it, it will be physically painful and exhausting, and I will be doing it by myself.

My brother lived in his car for two months. He just emailed me and reminded me about that. So I personally know someone who has done it. That’s more reassuring than just reading people’s stories about it on the net. Someone claims they’ve been living in their car for two years, for instance. One person supposedly did. I’m not sure what to believe. But at least I know someone who did it for two months.

I will be able to save up enough money to get the car fixed. I hope that I can still use the insurance money – it’s a long story – I will have to call them and ask them. It’s complicated and I don’t have the time or the desire to explain it.

Then, I started writing down what I would allocate the money for, if I were saving $500 a month, every month, for a long time. Imagine how much money you would be able to save if you weren’t paying rent. You’d have other expenses, but by not paying rent, you’d be saving a lot.

I wrote a long list of allocations. The more I wrote, the more I was able to think of. I remembered long-forgotten dreams, things I wish I could have done. Anything that involves either money, or time. If you save up enough money, then you can afford to take a bunch of time off work, and do whatever you want for a few months. I don’t just want to save up lots of money to ‘buy things.’ I want to DO things. I would allocate some of the money to this, and to that, and over a long period of time, I would have these funds that were meant to be spent on specific things.

How can anyone spend $2,000 on a big screen television when they could use that money to take time off work instead? To me, taking time off work is, almost, the only thing on earth that is worth doing! Taking time off work is the reason for everything. It is THE reason for saving money at all. Then, when you’re off work, when you’re not physically exhausted all the time, then you’re able to do things you haven’t been able to do in years. Remember being a kid, when you didn’t have a job yet, and all of your time was free time (unless you were in school)?

I have a physically demanding job. At McDonald’s, I have to stand up and walk and run around for eight hours, and I have to move my hands and arms constantly, making sandwiches or cooking meat. When I come home, my body hurts. My shoulders and elbows and hips and feet hurt.

But even if you have an office job, where you sit down all day, you still have to be someplace at a specific time. If you didn’t have to BE anywhere at a particular time, then you could travel, for instance.

So I’ve already been fantasizing about what I will allocate my money to, if I succeed in this goal.

Well, so this means I have to call the landlady and I have to tell her that I won’t be staying here next year. I will ask her what is the date when I am required to be moved out.

This reluctance to bond with anybody here is a very, very strong feeling. It’s one of the reasons why I am so reluctant to actually use the dating websites to meet anyone for real. It’s the reason why I won’t join any groups or clubs. It’s this feeling of rebellion and resistance. I never wanted to live here in the first place. It was supposed to be temporary. Then, a bunch of disasters happened, and they weren’t my fault. Terrible things happened to me that should not have happened. I got sick. I became the victim of a crime (the electronic harassment). I have been unhappy and lonely since I came here, and I have felt like I’m missing out on life. I wanted to live in other places. I wanted to research where I would live. I wanted to choose a place and then go there.

I hope I succeed in moving into the car. It will take courage and I will get used to it, if I do it. I’ve gotten used to living a very sparse life over the past few years. I can live an even more austere life (‘austere’ was a word I re-learned from someone recently) if I am gaining something by doing it.

Orange juice worsens reaction to bisphenol-A in dental fillings

May 19, 2011

7:02 AM 5/19/11

I’ve been talking to someone about problems with plastic dental fillings recently, so I am more aware of them right now. She said that she had more symptoms from the fillings after eating an orange and a banana.

I recently bought a whole carton of orange juice. Normally, I buy orange juice in the small, individual sized bottles instead of the entire carton. When I buy orange juice in a whole carton, then I will do nothing but drink orange juice all day every day until the whole carton is gone.

That is exactly what I did this time. I drank tons and tons of it the first day. After that first day, my craving was mostly satisfied, and I drank less of it in the next couple days.

I am having a Feingold reaction to the orange juice. The Feingold Diet, created by Ben Feingold, is a diet that reduces the amount of artificial flavors, colors, preservatives, and salicylates in your diet.

Salicylates are in orange juice. They are a naturally occurring chemical in many fruits and vegetables. ‘Eating FEWER fruits and vegetables’ is politically incorrect right now, but if you eat fewer fruits and vegetables, you reduce the symptoms associated with salicylates.

Salicylates trigger hyperactivity. When you eat or drink salicylate-containing foods, and when your body cannot produce enough of the enzymes to metabolize all the salicylates, you become hyper and restless, agitated, impulsive, and unable to think clearly about anything. You also hear a lot of ringing in your ears, and become less able to hear people talking. Salicylates cause temporary reduction in hearing ability – not a total loss of hearing, just a little loss of hearing for a while. I experience this every time I eat a lot of fruits.

I did something impulsive which was unlike anything I’ve done in a long time. I went out walking because I was so restless and uncomfortable I didn’t want to sit down. This was the day when I first got the OJ and was drinking tons and tons of it. I then suddenly decided on impulse to go looking for a ‘path’ that one of my neighbors had told me existed near one of the yards next door. I had remembered the existence of this ‘path’ for over a year, and had vaguely imagined going and looking for it, but hadn’t actually done it. All of a sudden, I did it on impulse. So I wandered around on a couple people’s lawns and around the edges of the woods, and didn’t find any actual path, just a big space of mowed grass in between the houses, a no-man’s-land. A couple of the neighbors talked to me and asked me what I was looking for, and I explained to them that someone had described a path around here, and they said that maybe she was referring to the buffer zone between the houses (there was a word they used for that no-man’s-land, but I can’t remember what it was. A leeway, or something like that.)

I don’t normally walk around on other people’s lawns on impulse. But I used to do that kind of thing all the time when I was much younger. I was a lot more impulsive back then. I started using an informal version of the Feingold Diet in the year 2000 and have been much less impulsive and less disorganized ever since.

Well, now I am noticing other symptoms. The orange juice has triggered breast pain from the bisphenol-a in the composite resin dental fillings. I am also having the ‘stupid brain’ feeling and headaches. The ‘stupid brain’ feeling was how I felt for weeks and weeks after getting the fillings, and they say that exposure to xenoestrogens lowers IQ. (I’d have to google that and make sure that I’m saying the right thing.) I also had severe headaches for weeks, and I never get headaches, so this was unusual, and I’m getting them again now (mildly).

Someone might theorize that the acid in the orange juice was leaching the BPA out of the fillings, and yeah, that’s possible, but I personally believe the problem is a ‘drug interaction’ caused by a constant exposure to BPA from my fillings, and a greatly reduced ability to metabolize toxic chemicals (and BPA), caused by excessive intake of salicylate. When you eat or drink lots of salicylate-containing foods, you use up all of the enzymes that are used to process salicylate, and then, you become unable to metabolize anything else that requires those enzymes, too. So when you can’t break down other toxic chemicals like BPA, then you react badly to small amounts of those chemicals.

The Feingold Diet is on the web at www.feingold.org. They want people to buy their materials and join the organization – and I actually did back in 2000 – but it’s not really necessary. Ben Feingold’s book is probably available for free from the library. It’s outdated, and Feingold Diet users have discovered a lot more things that trigger reactions, and have kept lists of them, but you can still gain a lot by reading the book. There are probably forums online too where people will give away a lot of the information that was on the papers they sent me when I joined.

For anyone who hasn’t been reading this before: A chemical called bisphenol-a, in plastic dental fillings, causes a lot of symptoms including breast pain. Breast pain is one of the most noticeable symptoms. It will start immediately after you get the fillings, and it never completely goes away (unless you completely remove the fillings). It will get worse if you use other drugs that make you unable to break down the BPA and get rid of it. St. John’s Wort will trigger the breast pain again (at least, it did for me), and now, I’m observing that drinking very large amounts of orange juice is also triggering this problem again. You will also take in bisphenol-A if you have a plastic retainer in your mouth to straighten your teeth.

Thinking more about living in my car. It’s not like backpacking, because there isn’t a weight limit, up to a point.

May 17, 2011

12:38 PM 5/17/11

I was thinking more seriously about preparing to live in my car. It won’t be forever. It would be long enough to achieve whatever goal I wanted to achieve with money.

I have slept out in my car before, and it was in the middle of wintertime in temperatures that were in the low teens, if I recall. I think it might have even been colder than that. There was a specific reason why I did this. It was when I lived at the other apartment before this one. That apartment had extremely severe mold coming out of the walls. As soon as the outside temperature dropped below a certain range, the mold would start putting out these extremely toxic, horrible fumes, and I felt like I was going to pass out and die. It took me a long time to figure out what was happening, but a couple of discoveries helped me piece it together – first, I had noticed a moldy smell for a long time, but I didn’t realize it was making me sick. Second, I got lucky and happened to read someone commenting on a website, at random, that when the temperature goes below freezing, household mold will start putting out toxins worse than ever.

So in the middle of the night, I would lie in bed while the mold fumes surrounded me. When I opened the windows, and turned a fan on, believe it or not, it actually pulled MORE mold fumes out of the walls and out of the ceiling tiles, somehow. I tried to figure out the pathway of air circulation so that I could arrange the fans properly to prevent it from pulling out the moldy air, but no matter what I did, the mold fumes were nearly deadly at that point. I would collapse with weakness and almost black out, and I am not exaggerating. I felt like I would pass out and not wake up again. I thought for a while it was carbon monoxide, and I talked to the landlord about it, but he told me that nothing, anywhere, in or around my apartment or any other apartment could be producing carbon monoxide. If I stepped outside my apartment and went out in the fresh air, I quickly got better. This was only happening when it was extremely, severely, bitter cold.

So I bought a couple of sleeping bags, and I put one inside the other. I wore three pairs of socks, two pairs of pants, and several shirts and sweaters, along with gloves and a hat, and also, a coat, and probably a scarf too but I forget. Then I went down to the car. Then I got inside the double sleeping bags. I was so stuffed I couldn’t even move. But I was warm. The only thing cold was my face, because I had to keep my nose exposed to breathe. But I surrounded most of my face with the sleeping bag and my hat.

I had to keep the car window open a tiny, tiny crack. I couldn’t keep it all the way closed. So I was losing my warm air. But I had to. When I kept the window all the way closed, I would create too much carbon dioxide in the car, and it would cause me to start panicking and my heart would be pounding. After I observed this, I noticed that it also happens if I sleep with the bedroom door closed all the way, and I remembered, as a child, asking Mom to keep the door open a crack as she was walking out after kissing me goodnight, because if the door was open a crack, I wouldn’t get scared at night. I still have to keep the door open a crack. If it’s closed all the way, I will get too much carbon dioxide in the night, and wake up terrified. The terror quickly and instantly goes away if I open the door or the window a crack and let the fresh air in.

One of those nights, I recall hearing on the weather report that it had gone down near zero degrees (Fahrenheit!). So… I have slept outdoors in near-zero weather. I don’t recall what exactly the lowest temperature actually was.

When I think of living in my car, the only thing that seems like it would be hard to deal with is the cold. I love heat. I would be able to tolerate summer heat in the car. But I am afraid of what it would be like to live in my car in the winter.

So I am reading about, and thinking about, the real details of what I might do if I live in the car, and, if I stay there in the winter at all, what I might do to deal with the cold.

This is something I’ve dreamed of doing for YEARS. I can’t explain to anyone why it’s so important to me that I *WANT* to live in my car. I just want to feel like I CAN. I want to live a while without paying rent, and I want the satisfaction of watching the money pile up and pile up, instead of getting wasted on rent. I have so many things that I’ve wanted to save money for. If I didn’t pay rent, then I’d have to work a lot fewer hours, and I’d have more time for EVERYTHING. I became even more aware of this after reading the book Dad gave me years ago, ‘Your Money Or Your Life,’ which talks about how extreme frugality is a good way for ordinary people to cut back on their hours of work, even if they don’t have jobs that earn a lot of money. The book guides you to quit working completely, however, its plan was based on buying the government’s Treasury Bills and earning interest from them, and I no longer trust the government’s investments… so I wouldn’t follow that particular part of the plan. I would have to find some other way to earn money or earn interest. But even if you don’t quit working entirely, you can still greatly cut back on your hours. Then, you’d have time to study, for instance, so that you can learn something and get a better paying job. For a chronically fatigued person who takes a long time to recover from hard work, taking time off work is a HUGE big deal.

That’s not the only reason I want to live in my car. I remember something my brother said to me years and years ago. I don’t remember why he said this. Apparently, I had talked to him about how I was interested in making everything from scratch. I was wishing that I could make every single tool I used, and get every single piece of food that I ate, from somewhere outdoors, by myself. That idea has fascinated me since I was a child – total self-reliance. My brother, or maybe it was my father, had commented to me that he saw me as a person who ‘wanted to go out and live in the woods,’ or something like that, ‘and never come back to civilization.’ I agreed that this was almost true, although I’m not sure about never coming back at all.

I would have wanted to be in the boy scouts if I had known how good they were. I didn’t know much about them until I was an adult. I’ve looked at some of their scout manuals. I actually admire the boy scouts a lot. I wasn’t as interested in the girl scouts. I always had this feeling that they were ‘easier’ than the boy scouts, and that I would miss out on learning things I needed to know because it was ‘dumbed down’ for girls. In reality they are probably very good also – I’ve never really seen what they do.

When I think of living in the car, there is this ‘feeling’ where I anticipate that I am about to get attacked by the murderers. I was thinking and planning about this the other day, and I think that the reason I was able to do it was because I was still having reactions to the clothing that had the antidepressant residue on it. Usually I get attacked very severely if I try to think about or plan anything at all, but they were letting me do it that day.

But if I weren’t being attacked, I would feel sure that this is something I want to do. I’ve read about it, and I know that real people are doing it, for the same reasons that I want to. They do it to save huge amounts of money on rent, and also, for the challenge of camping out and proving to themselves that they can.

I was thinking about something. Living in your car is different from backpacking because you don’t have to worry about weight limits or space limits (up to a point). I don’t have to worry that it will be difficult to walk miles and miles while carrying several sleeping bags and coats and heavy clothing and all that. I can get as much stuff as I can fit in the car. I won’t be carrying it anywhere. I was thinking I might get some kind of infrared insulation if I end up sleeping there in the wintertime (I still don’t feel sure if I’m really going to do this, and if so, for how long). I just googled that, and it looks like there might not be any such thing as ‘infrared insulation.’ There are lots of results but they’re not actually about a type of insulation. Oh well, whatever it’s called.

I really hope that I can go through with this for real, and succeed. I know mostly what I need to do. I would need to get a mailing address. If I recall, you can’t just get a post office box unless you have a physical address to give them. I would just advertise for someone to let me use their address. I don’t want to just ask Peter to let me do it – he would – and he and Tammy would also invite me to come live in their house with them, if they knew that I had chosen to live in my car. I haven’t been talking to Peter much and I am trying to disconnect from him, and it’s very painful because he still calls me on the phone sometimes. But if they knew that I was living in my car, their response would be, ‘Oh my gosh! Nobody would ever want to do that on purpose! She must be really desperate! I didn’t know how much trouble she was in!’ So they would offer to help.

I need to have control of my own environment. Peter’s house is too toxic for me. Not only does he use lots and lots of prescription drugs, and Tammy does too, but also, their ventilation is full of dust or mold or something, I don’t know what. And they have all of their televisions, and lights, turned on 24 hours a day. Peter is awake all night because his drugs have given him day-night reversal, but he won’t listen to me if I tell him that’s what’s causing it, and he doesn’t believe that it’s something unnatural and bad – he talks about it like it’s a great strength to be proud of. He watches TV constantly. He is physically sick and can’t move around a lot and do energetic things, so I understand, but I can’t bear to hear televisions running 24 hours a day. I go insane when I visit him even for short periods of time.

Not only that, but they have those horrible, horrible, mercury-filled, energy saving compact fluorescent bulbs, which cause eye damage, and my eyes become blurry after spending a short time under those horrible evil bulbs that are now required by the stupid, foolish, ignorant, evil government. I’d like to smash a whole bunch of those mercury-filled bulbs at the houses of the people who made the laws that declared incandescent bulbs to be illegal, and then, after forcing them to live in their mercury-filled houses, I’d shine those lights in their eyes for hours and hours. It even sunburns the skin, especially if you are using a drug like St. John’s Wort which causes photosensitivity – you actually get a sunburn from sitting under compact fluorescent light bulbs! It happens to me. They put out ultraviolet radiation.

So I can’t live there. And I wouldn’t ask them to let me pick up my mail there. I’d find someone else to let me use their mailing address. I know a lot of things I would do.

Looked at the profiles again.

May 17, 2011

I saved a list of some of the people who I looked at the other day who I thought might possibly be IEEs. I looked at their profiles again. Sometimes if you look at them more than once, you get used to them.

I can recognize ILEs now (my semi-dual relationship). Eric was an ILE. There’s a characteristic facial expression they make when they have their picture taken – it’s a silly, open-mouthed face, or sticking the tongue out, or any kind of clownish face at all – and actually, that used to annoy me. So I know that I probably shouldn’t try to be with people who are making that face. It’s almost always associated with guys who describe themselves as nonconformist intellectuals, and they do, and say, strange intellectual things, the style of which I recognize. Eric used to stick his tongue out at me EVERY SINGLE TIME I TOOK HIS PICTURE, with almost no exceptions. He would make a clown face or a rude face almost every time. I simply could not get a simple straight-faced picture from him ever. So I recognize that expression as the ‘semi-dual’ expression.

So I looked at people who were OBVIOUSLY ‘feelers’ instead of thinkers. But I’m having a hard time recognizing the right ones. I can figure out when they’re probably intuitive-ethicals, but I’m never quite sure WHICH ONE they are.

I’m strongly, intensely repulsed by guys who like team sports, but I don’t mind individual sports as much… although I still feel grudging and reluctant if they place any importance on sports at all. If someone liked skiing or something like that, something a person does alone, or dancing, ice skating, skateboarding, that kind of thing, I don’t mind it as much, especially since I myself have gone skiing and loved it, and I also used to run track. It’s just that I loathe people watching team sports on television, and if they place a lot of importance on watching television at all, I don’t relate to them.

I’m looking for people who I can tolerate well enough that I won’t mind severely lowering my standards in order to be with them. If someone is tolerable enough, I might be able to endure being with them even if I have to break a large number of rules of what I actually want in a relationship. ‘Lowering my standards’ is probably going to be the key to my having a real world relationship. I am going to have to tolerate being incompatible with someone in about 80% of the things that matter most to me, because the people who agree with me about everything are extremely rare and they are always 1. already taken, and 2. monogamous.

I wish that I could learn to recognize which one of the four NFs someone is by reading their profiles. I’d rather not email them and interact with them until the very last minute after I’ve mostly decided that I might be able to endure them. Online dating is EXTREMELY PAINFUL and almost unbearable because I’ve had so many email conversations that eventually had to end. I don’t like starting an email conversation with someone and then ending it. I feel horribly guilty if I’m the one who initiated the conversation and then decided later on to abandon it because I could feel that something wasn’t right.

Not only that, but in the past, ‘they’ often forced me to initiate a conversation with this or that particular guy, and ‘they’ were telling me to do things like go after very young guys. There is some benefit to going after very young guys, because I might possibly find a really good one who, out of sheer luck, hasn’t fallen in love yet. But still, that wasn’t the strategy I myself would have chosen – it was something ‘they’ forced me to try.

I’m actually grateful to read about socionics’ intertype relations because now at least I have an idea what to look for. I thought my old best friend Rachael (ENFP) was just some kind of a fluke, and I thought I probably shouldn’t try to marry an ENFP. But we were best friends for eleven years until she met her husband. That was why I was so impressed with socionics because it said that no, actually, Rachael was my dual, and that’s probably the best relationship I can hope for. But it’s not easy to find male Rachaels.

Again, I can look at them, I can KIND OF see them, but I have to reluctantly, painfully, grudgingly lower my standards A LOT, and I don’t mean in terms of physical appearance – I’ve seen enough people who were pleasant enough to look at (except for having short hair, but I already know that my wish for long hair will be impossible to get, and if I am looking for an IEE with long hair, that will be an extremely rare person, or someone from a totally different culture – I guess I could look for Sikhs, except that I don’t want to be with anyone who’s religious). No, I just mean I have to lower my standards as to their intelligence, mostly, and their awareness of the issues and things that interest me. I don’t want to use the enneagram at all, but I’m aware that there might be ‘Nine-like’ guys who are ignorant about almost everything that matters to me, and they are going to have a ‘happy rainbows’ kind of attitude, and I might have to tolerate that. In some ways that might be better, because I can be the one who has all the opinions about the dark, miserable, scary things in the world, and they, on the other hand, will have no opinions about anything at all – so we won’t disagree. I’ll just be the one who HAS THE OPINIONS. They’ll be the blank slate.

I don’t feel guilty if the guy initiated it as much, but I DO feel guilty for abandoning a conversation if the person was attracted to my profile because of specific, unique, or rare things about me. That’s why my profile is hidden right now, so that no guys will initiate at all. There was one guy who I talked to once who was interested in the weirdest, most unusual, most extreme things about me, and yet I abandoned that particular conversation because something wasn’t flowing properly – we actually talked on the phone once, maybe twice. I felt really guilty about cutting off that relationship.

I’m trying to understand HOW, by what process, Rick arrived at his beliefs. His beliefs happen to agree with almost all of mine, and even when I disagree about something, I still agree with most of it or with the conclusions he draws from it (peak oil for instance).

I wish I had something better to use than the enneagram to explain the ‘non-socionic factors’ that make one IEE different from another. The enneagram is a total clusterfuck. I sometimes sort of use it to give me a general idea of someone, but I can’t do anything more than just a very general approach with it – it’s nowhere near as specific as socionics, and if you try to use the specifics, as they are described in the books, it turns into a mess. I struggled with the enneagram for years and I am disgusted with it.

I finally got an email about not paying my dialup bill.

May 16, 2011

They had the concerned tone, like ‘We’re wondering what’s going on,’ rather than ‘You thief! You didn’t pay for that!’ If I recall correctly, I might get one or two more warnings. It’s still working today.

There is a major problem with using the library to get online. I picked up someone else’s prescription drug residues by sitting on the upholstered seats in front of the computers. They stick to cloth-covered seats more than they stick to smooth plastic seats or wooden seats, as they get wiped off more easily from the smooth seats.

It was an extremely small dose of what seems to be an antidepressant, but I’m not absolutely sure if that’s what it was.

Every time I wore the same pants that I had worn to the library, I had a severe reaction to the drug. The drug does several things. It makes me want to do nothing but sleep. It makes me extremely hungry. It causes intense and prolonged sexual arousal. It makes me suggestible to thoughts and ideas that ‘they’ put into my head, which means I am very vulnerable to doing stupid things that I don’t want to do. It changes my mood and behavior overall, including my writing style.

I know from past experience that washing the pants in the washer several times STILL won’t be enough to totally remove the residues. If I go to the library and sit on those chairs after lots of drug users have been there, I will have to find some way to prevent the drugs from going all the way through the pants. I thought maybe I could wear one pair of pants on top of a second pair, but I’ve never tried that before and don’t know if it’s enough to prevent the diffusion of the drug through the fabric.

I could try using the netbook, and sitting on the hard chairs instead of the cushioned chairs – the table where I sit to use the netbook has hard chairs. If I use the netbook only to look at web pages and check my email and other minimal things, it might not give me ‘brain burn’ as badly as it does when I sit there uploading videos for an hour (or even, just for several minutes on a fast connection). However, I suspect that I will still get brain burn even from using the netbook lightly. It will most likely interfere with sleep. It also makes my head feel numb and unable to think.

I could use my ipod at McD just to check my email and do other small things that don’t require a lot of typing.

I would have to use the library computers less often, and make sure that I set aside the clothes that I wore so that I wouldn’t wear them again. With the way that I handle my laundry, I often wear the same clothes again and again, so they have to be drug-free. I would only wear them again when I went back to the library again.

The effects of the drug residues are not at all trivial. They are very severe even from small doses. This is something that doesn’t just affect me, it affects everybody, but I am one of the few people on earth, apparently, who knows that this is happening. I have read about people being aware of transdermal drugs in other situations – for instance, people who handle drugs in a medical setting are aware that they have to wear gloves to prevent them from going through the skin. Someone gave me a link to an article about that. I can read about transdermal drugs on the net.

However, NOBODY ANYWHERE that I personally have seen has written anything about this specific phenomenon: 1. One person uses a prescription drug, or any other drug. 2. The drug is excreted through their skin oils and sweat. 3. The drug residues on their skin are transferred to their clothing, their belongings, and every piece of furniture they sit on, including the furniture in public places. 4. Other people who touch these drug residues absorb them through the skin and experience the drug’s effects.

The reason they can do that is because the drugs are not completely broken down. When your body breaks down a drug, it doesn’t just completely crush it down into nothing but individual atoms. Instead, it breaks it down into large chunks that still are able to function like drugs.

This is PROBABLY the cause of the contagious weight gain phenomenon. These drug residues DO cause weight gain. I have experienced it myself, and the weight gain is very noticeable. It is a non-trivial weight gain. If I were surrounded by someone else’s prescription drug residues all the time, and was constantly exposed to them, I would gain a lot of weight.

There were news articles several years ago about a study that had noticed that people who were friends with obese people tended to become obese themselves, and of course, they assumed it was because ‘friends encourage friends to eat too much together.’ That has nothing to do with it at all. ‘Eating too much’ is one of the LEAST important factors in the modern trend of severe obesity in the population. But I’m not energetic enough to write all about the causes of obesity all over again today.

‘They’ like it that I am frequently exposed to someone else’s antidepressant residues if I go to the library, because it makes them able to force me to do stupid, insane things, which I myself don’t want to do.

This morning, while I was lying in bed (after having been forced awake, as always), someone was going through a process with me of thinking about some of the things I needed to do, in socionic function terms. I was using Te, extraverted thinking, to support the needs of Si, introverted sensing. I was looking at every goal and activity as productive work that I had to do (Te) in order to achieve more health and physical comfort (Si).

Then I turned it around and looked at it the way an LSE might look at it – that health and comfort (Si) were necessary in order to make it easier to do productive work (Te) – and I realized, that’s ergonomic design. If some tool or factory is comfortable to use, then people can get more work done with it.

That thinking process resembles processes that I used in the past when I wasn’t being attacked so severely. When I would look at the goals and analyze them I would ask why I needed to do this, and the answer was, so that I could be more comfortable, safe, healthy, or whatever. But after the severe attacks began, the stupid murderers wouldn’t let me think about anything at all – they would FORCE me to think of particular things, and totally distract me into random, irrelevant daydreams instead of thinking.

I have been exposed to the prescription drug residues many times this week, as I had to wear the same clothes over and over again after wearing them at the library, because I didn’t have any other clean clothes. I have a semi-clean outfit that I will be able to wear now, so hopefully I will get rid of the drug effects. The drug is an extremely severe nuisance and I do not want to be exposed to this every time I go to the library. I will need to find other ways to get on the internet, or ways to prevent the drug from disrupting my life so much.

Bloodsucking parasites are hot.

May 15, 2011

I woke up with several strange thoughts in my head. The first strange thought was ‘I am Osama bin Laden.’ When I first heard the voice saying that, another voice said, ‘The wackos are out today.’ Then another voice started interpreting it. There are several interpretations. One of them was, ‘I’m dead.’ The other one was ‘Torture victims are incapable of telling the truth.’ The second one, about torture victims, was a reference to the fact that I had read somewhere that one of the Guantanamo prisoners used to say ‘I am Osama bin Laden.’ I see this as his way of saying that no matter what they do, the torturers cannot force people to tell the truth. It destroys all the prisoners’ statements extracted by force. They then connected this to several things – to the people being unable to talk about themselves on their dating profiles, and also, to Rick not being able to open up and communicate with me and have a long-distance email relationship that was personal, instead of just an email relationship where I might ask him questions about socionics or something. Then they showed me the image of an imaginary email from him saying ‘Thanks for the commitment. – Rick.’

Then the thoughts went on to the idea that I should write a blog entitled ‘Bloodsucking parasites are hot.’ That was because I started laughing while reading Rick’s descriptions of ticks and how to remove them, and it seemed erotic, especially the part about rubbing the tick in a circular motion or whatever he said (I don’t recall the exact words). This morning ‘they’ were interpreting that as I was listening to them, connecting it to spiders, and my forum avatar, and bloodsucking parasites, and my email telling him what he had to do to stop receiving unwanted communications from me, and also, to how I went to Fisherman’s Paradise, and I always complain that I pick up intestinal parasites when I go there.

And by the way I don’t know what the parasites are – they’re not huge and disgusting like tapeworms or something. Whatever they are, they are something microscopic or extremely small. The place where I am able to feel them tickling is in the ‘upper right quadrant’ of the abdomen, just below the ribcage, and also a little ways below that on the right side. I say ‘upper right quadrant’ because years ago, when I was searching for information about my digestive problems and the pain in my abdomen, I read that that is what the general area was called.

When I was young I was fascinated with ticks because they can become extremely fat. I also watched a mosquito biting me one time when I was a teenager, and I just looked at it instead of swatting it, and I let it suck as much blood as it wanted.

When I was done walking and I reached the parking lot at Fisherman’s Paradise yesterday, I saw a pregnant woman walking around with her son, carrying a butterfly net. She told me that they had been hunting for frogs, but didn’t catch any today, but they had caught three the day before. I pointed down by one of the ponds and said I had seen some down there. She said their dog, Prince, kept chasing them away. (I don’t know why a female dog was named ‘Prince.’) The dog was running around and it had seen me coming down the path, and it had stopped and stared at me. I stopped too, and looked back at it. I raised my eyebrows, pulled my head back a little, leaned my head to the side, and then reached my hand towards the dog a little bit. It started excitedly wagging its tail and it bounded over to me. ‘She’s okay,’ the lady said, ‘she doesn’t bite.’ I wasn’t afraid – I’ve never been bitten by a dog, not badly anyway. I might have been nipped once. ‘She has tick stuff on her neck,’ she said, and I saw that the back of its neck was wet. ‘Oh, you don’t want to get any ticks,’ I said to the dog in a rather high voice, and I avoided touching the tick spray. I was slightly nervous because the lady seemed intimidating, so I let her choose what topics to talk about, and I responded in a mostly passive way. They had been unable to catch any frogs, and she said, ‘I can’t move really fast now,’ and she patted her pregnant belly with her hand. ‘Oh well, maybe tomorrow,’ I said. I wondered what they were doing with the frogs, but I didn’t ask.

I thought I saw flax in a field at the top of the hill, at the top of the path, in the place that I had been unable to reach before on the day when it was too cold outside and I had turned around and gone home. There was a big field of long grass at the top of the mountain, and the path went through it. That was where I found a few small weeds that were covered in spines, and I had to watch out for them while I was walking barefoot. They weren’t big yet, but I recognized them, and I knew they would be huge a few months from now. I saw a few small patches of bright blue flowers out in the field, away from the path. I leaped off the path and ran through the grass to go see the flowers. They were flax. I recognized them because I had been interested in planting my own flax and making my own linen, a couple years ago, and I was researching how to do that.

While I was standing in the empty field, I could now see the other mountain across the valley. There was a V-shaped gully cutting the other mountain at one point and I was curious to go there and explore it. I wanted to leap off the hill into the air and fly over to the other mountain instead of walking.

The sky was white and a misty rain was falling. When I got home and looked in a mirror I saw that I had gotten suntanned, even in the rain under the white sky.

When I was listening to the voices while lying in bed this morning, they pointed out to me that I had several unusual and improbable google searches that had led to my blog, and that those searches had occurred more than once, in spite of being improbable, and I had ignored them. I decided that I will write a forum post about the facial deformities observed by Weston Price. I hadn’t been quite ready to say anything in the forum yet.

I’m still tempted to joke about the free dialup internet that Copper.net is giving away. After a few years of loyal service, you can just stop paying them, and they won’t say anything to you, and you can just keep using the internet.

I took off my shoes, set them by a tree, and ran up the wet hill barefoot into the woods.

May 14, 2011

I wanted to write something happy for once. I went to Fisherman’s Paradise earlier today. I went up a path that I had gone up before, but had never finished. The first time I went up the path, weeks ago, it was freezing cold outside, and I turned around and went home. This time, I went all the way to the top.

I was just starting at the bottom of the hill. A groundhog ran under a fallen tree, and I followed it and looked in the hole where it was hiding, and I walked around on the tree. When I jumped off and landed, I looked down at my feet and felt like my sandals were a burden and a nuisance. So I took them off, and took my socks off and put them in the sandals, and set them down beside the tree, and then I ran up the hill barefoot.

There were no stickers, no thorns, on this path, and no rocks. It was just dirt, with some fallen leaves. There was very little poison ivy, but I do know that I’ve gotten some of it on me, as I feel it itching now, even though I took a shower. But I wasn’t worried about that. It was raining and the air was sweet like rotting leaves and honeysuckle.

I went to the top of the path this time, and it ended in a housing development where the land was all bulldozed, and there was a partially built house – a large house. I was thinking that I don’t like this, I want to see smaller houses. And I don’t to see huge empty lawns that have to be mowed.

I turned around and went home, mostly because I was thirsty. There were water bottles in the car.

***************

I can’t stand any human beings. I don’t know how I am going to fall in love. I loathe all of them. To whoever reads my blog, I’m sorry, I know that’s offensive, since ‘everyone’ includes all of my blog readers – obviously, I don’t mean everyone. But it’s how I feel when I am trying to find someone and trying to imagine building a relationship with that person.

I’m not in a good mood right now. I took a walk, but as always, my mind is constantly attacked while I am walking, and there is no peace and quiet, ever. It was refreshing, but it’s not as good as being free from the attacks would be.

I think intelligent IEEs don’t like to use dating websites.

May 14, 2011

That’s the only conclusion I can draw after looking through what feels like hundreds of profiles and not finding much of anything. Plentyoffish changed its site recently. It’s easier to search for someone’s ‘interests’ now. I tried doing that.

I hate reading profiles that are written in a sloppy way, full of misspellings and randomness and poor grammar and sentences that aren’t capitalized.

I made a list of some of the people who might possibly have been IEEs. But then, I searched for ‘personality types’ as one of the interests, and one of the people called himself an INFP, and his writing style was exactly like a large number of the people who I had categorized as possibly being IEEs. I can often vaguely recognize intuition and ethics, but can’t tell which one is being used. It’s easy to see someone’s ‘strong functions.’ Ne and Ni, Fe and Fi, will always be the strong functions of all four types: IEE, IEI, EIE, and EII.

I click on people’s profiles, reluctantly, and I feel this sick, disgusted, repulsed feeling, as I know, ahead of time, that I’m not going to like this person, but I’m looking at them anyway. Hundreds and hundreds of people seem to be all the same, and the more I look at them, the more I loathe them. And I know it’s not their fault, and I feel bad that they’re on this dating site and they’re not finding anyone, but I can’t help loathing them.

I get sick of seeing smiles. I’ve discovered that I like people who don’t necessarily smile all the time. I’m sick of seeing photos where the person made themselves smile and I would rather see someone with just a sincere straight face.

My own profile is hidden so that no one will contact me. Every time I have used the dating websites before, I get bombarded with hundreds of emails and I feel guilty about ignoring them or talking to them once or twice and realizing it’s totally wrong for me. So I am just looking at other people’s profiles without anybody looking at mine.

Everything they say is so shallow and mindless. I can hardly find a deep, intelligent person anywhere. When I do find someone who says something deep or intelligent, they have clearly been an EIE – there was one who I ‘visually identified’ merely by looking at his photo – his eyes were very close together, and he looked exactly like a large number of church preachers who I have seen – and as soon as I read the first line of his profile I knew he was an EIE. But he was intelligent and a good writer, and that made him more interesting than all the other people there. There are also lots of intelligent writers who seem to be IEIs.

I started searching for a variety of different interests. But as I got more exhausted, it was harder to see any glimmer of hope in the first couple lines of their descriptions. You have to look at a headline and a couple lines of text in order to decide which people, out of thousands, are worth looking at. I will have to do it again when I am less exhausted.

And what’s worse, there’s no way to mark which ones you’ve already looked at! So you see the same ones again and again. And the site is either malfunctioning, or else it’s been redesigned to do this annoying thing on purpose – it shows the same people in the search who you just saw on the previous page. I KNOW FOR SURE I just saw that person, and here they are again on the next page of the search! I understand what they might be trying to do – they believe that repetition will encourage you to see them more easily the second time, like in advertising.

I wish I knew a secret, unique ‘code phrase’ that would lead me directly to what I am looking for. All of the search terms I used are general enough that large numbers of people are interested in those things, and most of them are low quality in their writing style, and the wrong type of person.

I feel revulsion at the sight of almost every profile I look at. So I sit there for hours, feeling revolted again, and again, and again, hundreds of times. I see occasional people who might be IEEs, who strongly resemble them, but, I’m sorry, they seem like morons. They really are not looking very intelligent at all. So I’m starting to think that all intelligent IEEs just completely avoid dating websites.