Archive for July, 2016

That was more than enough work

July 31, 2016

I only moved about six packages of stuff to the tent, using a green dolly cart thing or ‘hand truck’ as some people call it. It was extremely helpful and made it much easier than the last couple moves, where I just carried stuff, which was absolutely horrible for my chronic fatigue. I got it done before the thunderstorms tonight.

Somebody is in Jason’s room but I have no idea who it is. The guy with his girlfriend was just an acquaintance of Eric’s, someone I didn’t know, but not Tyler. I don’t know if the guy here now in Jason’s room is that same guy, or what.

Yep, already got symptoms

July 31, 2016

I’m already clenching my jaw tightly shut involuntarily, and I already feel dry sinuses and a sensation of vague malaise. If I don’t wash my hands and wash everything that touched the packages, then I will be awake with insomnia all night long, an insomnia that absolutely nothing can fix, except for the removal of contaminated items. My jaw clenching is the worst. It destroys my teeth by simply cracking them. They are weak due to my extremely poor nutrition and excessive caffeine use, and these residues force me to clench my jaw very tightly shut.

If I had my own house, my own permanent trailer, this would not be a problem – in other words, I do not need to finish decontaminating before getting a house. The reason is because once I have my own house, I can do everything necessary to get rid of the residues, because I will own the house. I can put cardboard all over the floor while being confident that no one else will walk into the house and see that I have cardboard on the floor. I can rip up the carpet and replace it with new carpet because I own the trailer. This is the best way to fix the decontamination – ownership, so that I can make changes to the house and take actions necessary for decontamination.

I need weeks and weeks of free time if I am going to sort through the boxes of papers and get rid of stuff, and repackage it to contain the contamination. A paper sorting project is one of the most difficult projects that I can possibly do. Again, it would be best to do it inside a house. I can’t do things like that in the tent. There is no light and no room in there.

Guess what’s not finished? Decontamination!

July 31, 2016

I am in the process of moving a small number of packages to the tent. I will take a taxi, but probably won’t get charged extra because it’s not a ton of stuff.

I was touching one of the last items that has some residues on it. They went straight through the garbage bags that I have wrapped around the items. It’s these plastic large tub things with a bunch of papers inside them, which were on the floor at Mary Jo’s house and have ephedra residues on them, but only in very small quantities – they will cause insomnia and brain and behavior and mood changes.

I have to wait a while for the taxi because they said they’re running about a half hour behind. That’s okay, it will get a little darker in that time. Both businesses are closed at the location where I have to go, so it is okay to dump my stuff behind them in the daylight, but if I try to carry stuff up the path, I will encounter walkers. It’s best to do that part after dark.

I’m going to assume I’m still sleeping here at the house all week. Then I’ll move a few more items next week, and so on. Until forever. It’s not a lot of stuff, but it’s just enough to be a nuisance. Some of it is camping equipment. One of the items is a sleeping bag covered in pesticide which will cause extreme and debilitating fatigue if I try to sleep in it. I was unable to wash it and almost set the washing machine on fire when I tried because it was so overloaded it wasn’t able to agitate – to go back and forth. There literally was smoke coming out the back of the machine. I thought it was over.

I’m not doing the whole thing tonight in one single taxi trip. Just a few packages. Then I’m coming back and sociopathically claiming this territory that doesn’t belong to me through sheer brute force because no one can make me leave until I want to leave. I’m being sarcastic – I’m not choosing to do this because I want to. I just have to pretend I’m choosing to be an extreme bitch who refuses to leave.

I touched a couple of the contaminated items and my mood started to get weepy. I suddenly had a longing for Jesse, except it was the idealized fantasy Jesse which was colored by the drug residues distorting my perception during the time when we met. It was this imaginary, painful, fantasy full of longing of what I wish our relationship could be, and emotions coloring the memories of things that were real and actually did happen, but were, simultaneously, lacking something.

The behavior of the soul murderers controlling my brain EXACTLY PARALLELS the behavior of the modern invaders who destroy primitive societies. They invade, they destroy that society’s ability to take care of itself, they destroy self-reliance, they take away
independence and completely disable them, but then, they leave them with nothing – no substitute, no means of subsistence whatsoever, just nothing. Not enough enough power to actually trade with the invaders and get much money in return. That is exactly what the mind controllers are doing to my brain, except it implies my brain is a resource they are using, which I have often suspected – I suspect that my brain is being programmed with messages that are stored secretly in my brain for the next person to retrieve securely. The messages are contained in the insanely stupid and evil symbolic images that they put into my dreams, and they are information pertaining to the child sex slave trade, most likely. Most likely, my brain contains ’emails’ for other child sex slave traffickers, telling them the locations of the next dropoff and so on. I’m guessing that’s the reason they’re controlling my brain and preventing me from accessing it and preventing anyone from hypnotizing me to find out what’s in there. My brain is being used as a messaging center and they truly do not give a flying fuck about my actual quality of life or my ability to do anything at all. Just disable my ability to use my own brain, use my brain for their own purposes without my consent or knowledge, and leave me to die. That is the pattern of the invaders. And they all come from particular groups of socionic types, too. So they can be profiled.

Well, controllers, what’s the plan, people?

July 31, 2016

6:21 PM 7/31/2016

I took a nap. I am less hateful now.

Because the attacks on my brain prevent from envisioning the future – that is the very thing they do to incapacitate me – every time I make any effort to imagine myself doing something in the future, I get zapped and distracted – I have to assume that these people who are controlling me have some kind of plan which is allegedly better than what I would have chosen to do on my own, since they effectively prevent me from choosing what I will do in the future.

Well, guys, what is this plan? Merely to incapacitate me doesn’t seem to be the plan, because they also have all these random assignments that they seem to want me to do, such as chase after unnaturally difficult and impossible relationships, only to be horribly hurt, humiliated, disappointed, and frustrated. How am I supposed to fulfill all my random idiotic impossible relationship-chasing assignments if I have zero dollars and can’t even relocate into a suitable home of any kind? Am I just supposed to continue sitting in this house and rotting, buying restaurant food and pizzas, too exhausted to even pursue this impossible relationship that I’ve been assigned to pursue –

And the one guy who might possibly be a socionic dual is an illiterate moron who is incapable of communicating in writing even though English is his first language. I know – I’ve tried to get him to write to me. That’s one of the reasons I rejected him years ago – he seemed extremely stupid, even if he was my dual, and I just remember having some kind of conversation with him and thinking, ‘You…. are…. a…. fucking…. moron….’ But I don’t remember exactly what the conversation was. As in, he’s such a moron that we can’t even begin the process of starting a relationship. He’s such a moron that we can’t even begin to take the necessary steps to start doing anything together. It’s like that now – I attempted to ask him to communicate in writing with longer emails, but all he is capable of doing is sending something through facebook messenger with, like, a little smiley face or a little winky face. No actual thought processes going on there. Even if he is my dual, I cannot get past the stupidity barrier to begin the process of actual two-way communication.

After my misunderstanding with Agustin, which was inevitable and which I could have told the controllers a million times this sort of thing is exactly what would happen – I tried to slightly communicate with him the next time I saw him, and there was fear on his face. There is nothing, absolutely nothing on earth, that pushes me away from somebody more than the sight of fear on that person’s face because they don’t trust me. If I see any sign of fear on someone’s face, then I am completely done and gone and will not try anything again. The misunderstandings are too severe.

I absolutely have to be trusted by the person I am trying to communicate with. I absolutely cannot stand the sight of fear and distrust on a person’s face as they look at me. I am not going to be able to violate that look of fear until and unless I am extensively drugged and completely numbed to human emotion. If ‘they’ want me to proceed in spite of the look of fear on his face, I’m gonna have to be taking six ibuprofens every day in addition to St. John’s Wort or something to completely ignore every warning signal, every human emotion, and behave like a total psychopath who violates people without their consent.

So yeah, here I am, with my whole life being controlled and nothing I can do about it. I’m supposed to do whatever they force me to do, and I’m unable to use my own brain to look into the future and envision myself doing something, which is what I naturally do when I’m free. If I can’t choose my own future, and the controllers are doing absolutely nothing to bring about the miracle needed to get me out of here, and the relationships they want to force me to pursue are impossible due to: 1. a socionics barrier, which is a law of physical reality that cannot merely be ignored, 2. a language barrier, so that misunderstandings get worse, 3. a stupidity barrier with a possible dual who is incapable of communicating through email and therefore prevents any progress from occurring outside the couple of minutes during which we see each other –

Well, people, what the fuck exactly are we doing with me now? Sit around and wait for the sky to fall, and then do something? I’ve gotta be able to use my own brain to move.

Hate, nothing but hate going on and on today

July 31, 2016

2:10 PM 7/31/2016

I had several energy drinks yesterday, and one this morning. I went into withdrawal badly after taking an American Ginseng pill a few months ago, so I’m pretty sure my withdrawal symptoms and bad moods are coming from the ginseng in the energy drinks. It doesn’t seem to happen with all types of ginseng. I didn’t react that badly to Siberian ginseng, which is from a slightly different plant. I also didn’t react very badly to Korean ginseng, which I would like to get again but can’t find at the stores nearby unless I go to the really expensive store.

I am full of so much hate today, it’s ridiculous, I hate everything. I hate people who think I ought to save money by eating the worst possible food on earth because they know nothing about nutrition or don’t give a fuck about nutrition. I also hate people who think it’s okay to promise someone they will get $400 a week, then cut their hours a little bit saying they’re not needed in the evenings because it’s slow, then lower their pay to $300 because, understandably, they’re working fewer hours than before, then get them back to working full time and continue paying them $300… Oops! I’m not talking about anyone in particular who would do such a thing! Guess what, I’ve been working every evening and often staying until 10 even after the bus stops running, and the only reason I went down to only $300 was because I was allowed to go home several evenings a week during a slow time – that was fine then, but it’s not okay anymore. IT IS NOT FUCKING OKAY TO CONTINUE GIVING ME ONLY $300 A WEEK WHEN I FUCKING WENT BACK UP TO THE ORIGINAL AMOUNT OF HOURS WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING GET $400. THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BASTARD? THIS IS ***NOT*** ***FUCKING*** ***OKAY***, YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT.

Yeah. No one in particular.

Every other female who works there says he has done the same fucking shit to them, except with them, it’s paying only $9.00 an hour when they were originally promised $10.00 an hour. What? Somebody who does no heavy lifting and isn’t exposed to any toxic chemicals, while standing around staring at the four walls in an air-conditioned dining room for hours at a time, gets paid $9 while I get paid approximately $5 an hour? And they’re complaining because he fucked them over and refused to give them the $10 he originally fucking promised them? What exactly the fuck is this fucking shit?

The only reason I tolerate getting lower wages while doing more work is because I can’t stand being bored. Boredom is more painful than poverty. There are fucking bastards out there IN OTHER FUCKING SOCIONIC QUADRAS who want to take advantage of this. My own fucking socionic quadra wouldn’t see it that way! I shouldn’t get paid less just because I enjoy the process of laboring and hate to stand around doing nothing, therefore I quote unquote ‘enjoy my job’ and can tolerate being paid less than I would be paid to do the boring and intolerable job of waitressing, which is why I refuse to do it – it’s my personality type. My personality type wants to do some ACTUAL WORK, and standing around doing nothing and making nothing and producing nothing is unbearable. I’ve done it before. I cannot stand behind a counter waiting for customers as a cashier, because boredom and inactivity are utterly unbearable. I sit there fucking going insane. My personality type is being taken advantage by evil bastards and retards in the Beta Quadra who have monopolistically taken over every single business and every single corporation and have rented out every single business rental spot for any restaurants or any businesses at all in this entire town, so that every single business, without exception, is owned by either an LSI or a SLE, and all of them mistreat people and fuck people over in the EXACT SAME FUCKING WAY while disvaluing the SLI who likes to do actual work – oh, you can just PAY ME LESS BECAUSE I LIKE TO WORK! YOU FUCKING BASTARDS.

There was a reason why I made a division between the two ‘houses’ of the socionic quadras, because within the quadra, there are still conflicts. LSEs always, without exception, always get paid more than SLIs, even doing the same work. They are more competitive and more demanding and more bossy, so they are able to aggressively demand higher wages. That’s why I wanted a world where only the ‘eighth house’ ruled the world, so that we could separate ourselves from the judgers on the other side of the quadra who tend to grab all the money and take everything and boss us around and make it into a judger’s paradise while not letting the perceivers have any power at all over how society is run. That is the reason why my Anaya religion only allows its leaders to be selected from the eighth house, the SLI and IEE types only, and no other types, because I do not want our culture to be controlled and dominated by the exact same people who are aggressively controlling and dominating our entire society as it is now. We need something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from the world we live in now, and the only way to make a world that is completely different from this world is by allowing the values of other personality types to dominate in parts of the world, instead of universally allowing all the LSIs and LSEs and SLEs to control every fucking material resource and square inch of land on the entire fucking planet, while screwing over their SLI slave employees and paying them only $5 an hour because they enjoy dishwashing more than they enjoy waitressing and standing around doing nothing for hours upon hours.

I am doing my laundry right now. At least I was able to get to the machine. Sometimes on Sunday, on my one day off when it’s my only chance to do laundry, Mike or Eric will be using the machine all day long on that very day, even though Mike is off work on Saturday and could use it then.

I want to run a woman-owned business where every employee I hire will be a SLI or IEE. I will do an EEG test on them to prove that they are. I might make a couple of exceptions, strongly favoring all perceivers over all judgers. I might make a few exceptions, maybe preventing all the other personality types from making any major decisions or having any real influence in the corporation, keeping them as low as possible, paying them the crappiest wages, while paying only the SLI and IEE the highest wages and making them the biggest decision makers who set the culture for the entire corporation.

Why? Because the whole world is the exact opposite of that. Judgers rule, everywhere. Judgers are the wealthiest. Judgers have the easiest life. Judgers get to decide that every inch of our land will be paved over with concrete, and judgers have all the money they need to make this happen. And Beta STs are the owners of every single business everywhere, they make the most money, and they get to decide what is the corporate culture of every single corporation. So fuck them. I’m not hiring a single fucking Beta ST in my entire fucking corporation for any reason, and I will use an EEG to read their mind and tell them, ‘Sorry, we’re not hiring you – you should go get hired at any of the other hundred million corporations out there that already exist that LOVE people like you and will pay you $500,000 a year merely to be a Beta ST and sit around doing nothing.’

I want a corporation where people value all of the potential that the SLI has to offer, a corporation where the exact things that I am capable of doing are the exact things that this corporation
desperately wants the most and is willing to pay the highest money for. Our corporation will be completely and utterly unconventional. It will be like no business that anyone on earth has ever seen before, because the overwhelming majority of human beings are LSIs and all of them are the business owners who decide on the norms of the culture for the entire planet.

I am owed several hundred dollars right now by my employer. It took me a couple weeks to realize that he really, seriously, for fucking real, wasn’t going to start giving me $400 like he promised me I would get. I just couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that any human being would be THAT MUCH OF A GODDAMN FUCKING LYING, SNEAKING, FUCKING DICK SON OF A BITCH BASTARD HUMAN BEING to do such a thing, to fucking screw people over that way, until I started hearing stories from all the other waitresses about how they were promised this or that amount of money (always much, much more than I am getting paid) and got paid less than they were told. THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA. THIS IS NOT HOW WE FUCKING DO IT IN AMERICA. YOU WANT ME TO PULL OUT THE ‘AMERICA’ CARD? YOU WANT ME TO PULL OUT THE ‘MULTICULTURALISM ISN’T ACCEPTABLE ANYMORE’ CARD? Because I fucking will. I don’t fucking care if that is the norm for your country or if you fucking view it as ‘haggling’ or some other stupid fucking multicultural bullshit. I WILL pull out that fucking card. You can call it haggling, you can claim that’s how it’s done in your country, BUT IT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT DONE THAT WAY HERE, and if you think it is then you can fuck yourself.

It just took several weeks, and conversations with other people including people who quit their jobs and left, for me to truly understand that this man was a lying, sneaking, filthy, untrustworthy son of a bitch who really, seriously was fucking screwing me over for real. I want to believe the best of people and I kept on fucking believing the best. No, he’s not screwing me over! There’s some fucking reason why this is happening! Goddamn bastards are doing this to people like me, the SLI personality type, people who are too quiet to protest.

Voices for the voiceless! All you people who want to defend the animals being eaten for meat, why don’t you defend the socionic personality types who are incapable of speaking for themselves? Oh, I forgot, you hate humans and you want all humans to die. Never mind. Well, SOMEBODY ELSE NEEDS TO BE OUR FUCKING ADVOCATE because the goddamn SLI personality type, myself and everyone like me, is fucking voiceless and unable to protest the fact that we are being FUCKED OVER in our wage rates, getting lower wages than other personality types for doing the same jobs, merely because we are quiet, timid people who don’t like fighting, and prefer to be busy working rather than standing around, therefore we quote ‘love our jobs’ and ‘love working’ and therefore we can be paid LOWER WAGES DUE TO THE FACT THAT WE ENJOY OUR JOBS AND ENJOY WORK. FUCK THAT GODDAMN SHIT. THIS FUCKING SHIT HAS TO FUCKING END NOW.

Yeah, I need some money. I can’t get out of this fucking house because I don’t have enough money to rent a car. I *might possibly* have enough if I scrape the very bottom of my bank account, MAYBE, or if I use a combination of my bank account and my credit card (which is almost maxed out and has about $33 left that I could use).

I don’t want to rent a taxi but that is probably what will happen, simply because it costs less than renting a car, but they will charge me a $20 fee because I am moving a bunch of stuff and they say they do this fee for people who ‘use the taxi as a moving van’ or something like that. I know this is their policy because I’ve encountered it every time I’ve moved all my belongings in a taxi in the last couple years.

Meanwhile, the ‘traditional German/Austrian food’ at Herwig’s Bistro is not that great at all, but that’s a whole other subject. What the fuck? Putting a breaded pork chop on two pieces of bread is NOT ‘traditional German food.’ I don’t think I will get that particular sandwich ever again. And the guy behind the counter was a Beta ST, too. They were nice… but still, enough is enough, the world has enough fucking Beta STs and I just want to see, for once, I am begging, just once in my life, see a business owner who is a SLI or IEE, and not just one, but dozens and dozens of them, so they fill up the entire street, and every single business you walk into is owned and operated by SLIs and IEEs, the people who are the scarcest and cannot be found anywhere, the culture that is so oppressed and so genocidally destroyed by the rest of the culture that it is nowhere to be found. I want to see this vision come true. Tons and tons of both SLIs and IEEs (not merely ‘Deltas,’ because the other side of the quadra, the judgers, are in fact extremely common as business owners, bosses, and wealthy people – the LSEs are among the wealthiest people in society and they already control everything – I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT!) in dozens of businesses all located together in one geographic region so that you walk down the street and every single business you go to is owned and operated by them and only them. The whole entire world would change!

forced to waste money on food

July 31, 2016

This is extremely annoying – I don’t have enough money left because I have been forced to buy food at restaurants every single day while working. I also have to buy bottles of coffee, otherwise I won’t be able to get out of bed at all in the morning to even go to work. I’m forced to take a cab to work several times a week when I miss the bus or the buses don’t run or I’m working late and can’t catch the last bus. So I’m wasting all this money taking cabs merely so that I can show up at my job to avoid losing the job.

All of this because I love my coworkers and dislike frequently being forced to get to know new people and break off old relationships. I only leave a job if I am absolutely forced to do so by events that are completely beyond my control, which is the only reason I left McDonald’s – the pesticides they started spraying were so completely and totally incapacitating that I was physically incapable of staying inside the building for a few minutes, and they said they’d spray it again once every month. I didn’t choose to leave McD.

The only thing that can make me leave this job is if I am fired, or if I become so severely ill that I am physically incapable of going to work and, once again, get fired because of that.

I can’t keep any food at home, because I have been attempting to move out of this house. Several weeks ago I threw away all the remaining food I had in the freezer because I was expecting to get out of here very soon afterwards, but it ended up dragging on for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks without food at home. I am buying every single meal I eat from a restaurant. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING at home.

I could launch into a huge angry rant about people whose knowledge and/or valuing of nutrition are so bad that they think it’s perfectly fine for me to use the beans-and-rice-and-bread strategy of eating. Just buy the cheapest food available on the market! Getting a couple calories and eating the minimum necessary to prevent caloric starvation is all that really matters! Not for someone with chronic fatigue, not for a female, and not for someone who values optimal health instead of just-barely-surviving-by-doing-the-minimum-necessary strategy of life. People think that ‘Nicole spends too much money on food,’ without understanding that I need to eat higher quality meats, vegetables, and fruits, and a variety of foods instead of exactly the same thing every single day for every single meal.

I am not saying that the restaurants are providing me with what I need, either – they are most definitely not. However, they give me a little bit of variety, which is the only thing I can hope for.

I don’t want to get a coffee maker because I want to stop drinking coffee, and after I get a coffee maker, there will be absolutely no hope of ever stopping coffee. Not only that, but coffee isn’t strong enough – I need espresso. Espresso is the only thing strong enough for me when I have severe fatigue, and my fatigue has been severe lately, probably due to the large scale spraying of some pesticide on the elm trees near Penn State. I don’t know exactly what they are spraying, but I only know that I became extremely fatigued that day, and one or two other people told me that they were too.

Since I have no money left, I can’t rent a car. It’s a couple hundred dollars. I won’t be able to rent a car to help myself get out of this house. I will have to use a taxi but I hate doing that for a variety of reasons. I really hate doing that. I doubt that Mike will be able to drive me in the truck this evening, and guess what, there are going to be more thunderstorms today! Of course. The only good thing about a thunderstorm is it means that few or no people will be on the trail to see me, which reminds me, I need to check what time that place closes – I have to park the car next to a business which is right next to one of the entrances to the path in the woods. It would help if I knew for sure exactly what time of day they closed.

The stories that I have attempted to write within spiral bound notebooks, in the past year or two, have been prompted by using some kind of herbal drug, either ginseng or St. John’s Wort, every time. I have tried to write some fiction stories about the Anaya people, and about a girl, who obviously represents myself and is a wish
fulfillment, who gets to escape from society after being
mind-controlled her entire life and never experiencing mental freedom. My writing style is kind of pathetic and I especially can’t do dialogue. I would consider writing a story as a team rather than as an individual. I would need a compatible person – socionic duals would be most helpful here. In fact, the IEE-ENFp personality type is good at mimicking people and would be great for making up dialogue.

I don’t even know the general storyline of what is going to happen to this girl. I don’t know how it will end. I don’t know what goals she must achieve. Actually, I like the idea of ‘achieving a goal’ in the story. When I wrote fiction stories as a teenager, they were extremely long and just went on and on and on with no particular plot, and they always included images and concepts from the dreams I had at night – it turns out that all night dreams are fake and are written by the soul murderers who prevent you from dreaming any real dreams. The dreams you have when you’re young are more enjoyable. When you grow up, they give you stupid, horrible, evil, pathetic dreams instead. I used to have interesting images and scary experiences in my dreams and they were great for incorporating into my fiction stories. Now that I have learned how to decode some of their bullshit symbolism, I realize that anytime they gave me a dream about ‘exploring tunnels’ it was actually about sex – all of their symbols are like that. But I loved exploring tunnels for the sake of exploring tunnels, and it was fascinating, and making it into a sex symbol just turns it into something stupid, idiotic, moronic, pointless, shallow, and retarded. Whoop-de-doo, something I really enjoyed doing turns out to be merely a stupid sex symbol.

I am not happy right now. I was hoping I could rent a car.

Fucking retards ignore ergonomics, which is the whole point of being able to redesign things!

July 31, 2016

I keep seeing these super-high tech 3d printed bicycles and stuff, which are HORRIBLY DESIGNED because they totally ignore ergonomics. Whoop-de-doo, we made a bike which is lighter weight yet able to withstand various forces – and we totally ignored how comfortable it is to use the bike. FUCKING SOCIONICS.

I hope that link works. Basically, these retards designed a bike with 3d printing, only to put a fucking gigantic BAR that you have to climb over from the seat to the handlebars. Do we really enjoy having to kick our legs back up over the seat from behind to mount the bicycle? Do we really enjoy that hip movement? Those of us with hips that are gradually wearing down and being destroyed, partly as a result of riding bicycles that aren’t ergonomic, are VERY INTERESTED in bikes that give the least amount of wear and tear to the human body, putting the least amount of stress on the hips, carrying the weight with the least effort when we pedal – and that means you have to consider things like putting weight on the FRONT of the bike instead of the BACK, like you retards always do.

Weight on the front of the bike is easier to carry than weight on the back. Test it and see for yourself. You can go up a hill like it’s nothing if you have a heavy weight on the front of the bike. The vector arrows are somehow pointing in some way that makes a
difference, but I don’t know enough physics to be able to draw a diagram, I just feel it. It feels as though the weight in the front of the bike causes the bike to tilt forwards while you are going up a hill, which saves you the effort of lifting that weight. The heavy weight in front of you is actually pulling you up the hill by continually leaning forward. That kind of thing is what these idiots never design into their super-awesome-high-tech-3d-printed designs.

I don’t want to step over a fucking bar to get on the seat, I want a step-through frame. A FUCKING STEP-THROUGH FRAME, YOU FUCKING MORONS, which is EXACTLY the type of design that requires extra strength and specialized weight-bearing areas, precisely because you are limited by not being allowed to have that stupid, idiotic bar going from the seat to the handlebars that is going to rack you in the balls if you are a male and you hit something and slide forward onto the bar, or if you are a female it will still hurt when it crushes your pubic bones. FUCKING IDIOTS! If you have a step-through frame, that’s exactly the moment when you most desperately need to create stronger supported beams elsewhere, which is the whole reason why we have all this specialized 3d printing in the first place. Who fucking WANTS a ball-busting, infertility-causing metal bar slamming them in the crotch when they have a bike accident?

I HATE SOCIONICS. If I were an engineer, I would make my designs SI-VALUING. Do you people know what socionics is? Do you people know what Si-valuing means? It means we give a fuck about whether the human beings riding the bike aren’t crushing their testicles on a goddamn metal bar in front of their crotch and/or destroying their hips as they lift their leg up at a sideways awkward angle to mount the bike from behind, which is unnatural, uncomfortable, and a strain on bad hips. FUCK YOU MORONS.


July 31, 2016

I had to be told by hearing voices in my head about how to interpret the thing that Agustin did which I wasn’t able to interpret correctly. Sadly, being unable to interpret the meaning of things is my socionic type weakness. I don’t know if what “they” told me is actually true. I’m impatient to simply learn Spanish so that I can fix
misinterpretations more easily.

I’m still debating about writing him an extremely brief note on paper, but I hesitate, because at this time I will still have to use the Spanish Dictionary that is online, which means the hackers will see all of the words that I’m looking up. There is a difference between ‘the hackers’ and ‘the mind controllers / mind readers.’ They are not necessarily the same group of people. I have been harassed by hackers about anything that I have done online and I want to avoid having them see every word that I look up to try to translate something I want to say to Agustin, because it is the perfect opportunity to do things to me for the rest of eternity.

The hackers went insane when I was on Prozac and became so numb I wasn’t able to have an orgasm, and I used my credit card to buy sex toys at a local shop. They saw that sex toys were on my credit card and I got hundreds of spam emails harassing me about it for a long time, insane, stupid, idiotic harassment. It made me murderously angry at the time and was not funny at all, although it might sound funny to someone who hasn’t experienced being harassed by hackers at the time when you are already a mind-numbed psychopath on Prozac who is ready to murder people. Note: I am not on Prozac now. I am just remembering what happened back then and why I went crazy.

I had energy drinks yesterday and this morning, so I was under the influence of ginseng yesterday. I need to just write a note to Agustin because being unable to communicate or fix misunderstandings is extremely frustrating. I feel like I am an animal, a pet, who cannot communicate with its owners. I don’t want to keep damaging our relationship by failing to interpret the messages that he tries to send to me, failing to interpret his intentions. Damn socionics! I am helpless to interpret the meanings of new symbolic gestures rapidly, and tend to ignore them and just keep blindly doing the same things I always do. He did a particular thing and I failed to respond correctly the other day, but it was clearly and definitely something he did deliberately.

I might rent a car today, maybe. Moving my stuff into a rental car will make it easier to get out of the house.

I want 3d printed automobile replacement parts for extremely old cars

July 31, 2016

This came from a strange and wandering line of thought. I was considering renting a car to make it easier for me to move out of this house. I haven’t decided yet, but I might.

Then I was thinking about how they don’t have any standard shift cars at the rental place, I don’t think. And about how it’s almost impossible to find a stick shift anywhere even if you buy a car.

We need alternative automaking. And that means 3D printing your own automobile components at home. We need 3D printers that use metal.

I began to wonder about strange questions of topology. Are there any topological forms that a 3D printer cannot possibly make? I really don’t know, and I’m not sure I’d understand if I read a technical article geared towards people who already know about this, rather than ‘talk to me like I’m five.’

Topology, if you don’t know, is the study of the shapes of objects (to make a long story short). It involves a whole lot of mathematics and engineering. So, you can say that a doughnut is topologically similar to any other object that has a hole going through the middle of it, because all that matters is the abstract idea of the shape, and not the details. A coffee cup is similar to a doughnut (the
coffee-cup-and-doughnut example is a classic example), because, even though the part of the coffee cup that you drink from is a deep well, it doesn’t go all the way through and isn’t a complete hole. The only hole is the hole through the cup’s handle, so it’s an object with one hole, just like a doughnut.

I think I learned about topology by looking at my dad’s Scientific American magazines when I was a teenager. It sounded awesome, and at the same time, I didn’t have a desire to spend the rest of my life studying it, either, and I didn’t want to become an engineer.

But doing these google searches I found a web page that shows some images of how much can be done with 3D printing that cannot easily be done with traditional methods of making metallic objects. There was some kind of wheel component that was completely redesigned with 3D printing. It had to have the same weight as the original, but be made stronger, and they succeeded.

This component is so complex and bizarre it looks like it came from an alien spaceship. It almost looks as complex as the body of a living organism, like tissues with vessels and tendons, like the cross section of a plant stem or something.

Anyway, that was all because I wanted Independent Automaking to replace monopolized automaking. These do-it-yourself blacksmiths will be using 3D printers to make their auto parts. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN. It absolutely will happen, although I’m sure it will be declared illegal, too.

You mean, there’s more than ONE traditional dance where women carry lit candles or lamps on their heads?

July 30, 2016

A year or two ago I found a traditional dance on youtube, from some Middle Eastern place. It might have been Arabian or something, or from Iran, I forget exactly where, but the women were dancing with flaming lanterns on their heads, balanced.

Well, I figured that wasn’t a very common thing. It turns out, this is something EVERYBODY is doing! Why didn’t I know that? They do it in Colombia too. I had to google the word ‘fandango’ because I used to have a video game called ‘Grim Fandango,’ which I never finished playing, because I couldn’t figure out how to make the big giant monster guy stop watching the horse races or cat races or whatever he was doing, where he was sitting at a table betting on something and wouldn’t let me make him leave. I never figured out that puzzle, and I abandoned the game. I should watch a walkthrough. I tried and tried and tried everything, touching every single pixel in the entire game hoping to find a secret entrance or something, but never did. So I had to eventually find out what a fandango even was.

Well, the fandango in this video involves a woman who has to keep on smiling while hot wax is running down her face, which sort of really looks like a cum shot in a porno movie, which is probably what it’s supposed to look like. She just keeps on smiling. Hot wax.

The PutaPad

July 30, 2016

So much better than a smartphone. I am in love with ballpoint pens and medium sized spiral bound pads. I even have written bits of fiction stories on these, where hackers won’t see them. Quick thoughts jotted down at work or anywhere. No clunky software, no lags and delays, no bad interface design!

Fuck tetanus

July 30, 2016

Yesterday was cutting cucumbers and cut finger, (probably forced). Today was removing a piece of food from teeth, jaw locked up, painful. Still can open mouth, no other signs of tetanus. Won’t get a vaccine against my own pregnancy hormones, tetanus shot.. More later….

waiting for taxi

July 30, 2016

I called the taxi and I’m waiting now.

When I’m camping, I’ll be able to take the M bus to get into town, instead of spending an hour and a half slowly walking up the hill, which absolutely kills me, to go from Walnut Springs Park up to Kaarma. I can ride my bike *downhill* to get to where the M bus is, on College Avenue. I’ve done that before. It’s almost all down hill and it won’t kill me to do that, so I won’t be going into work dead exhausted from walking every single day. There is absolutely no way to go downhill at all if I try to just go directly from Walnut Springs up to Kaarma. Not everyone would take that long to walk, but I tested it a few days ago – it took longer than one hour (that was the day some weird guy stopped his car to ask me a question, and I decided to get off the road and go between some buildings to get away from him). I walked extremely slowly to avoid exhausting myself that day, and was still exhausted, although they had sprayed the elm trees with whatever pesticide it is, or, I dunno what the spray is.

Malnutrition is much worse when I’m in the tent. Because I have no permanent infrastructure, I cannot have a ‘food storage area.’ I don’t have any place to actually store and process food. I cannot light fires there. I could potentially cook with a tiny stove….


July 30, 2016

This kind of thing is the reason why I use the weird 16 component socionics model that I can only call ‘Hitta’s Chart,’ Hitta being some dude in a forum who found it, because people disagree about what the name of this model is. I have reason to believe my 4th function is +Fe/-Fi together, because I tend to almost instantly forget events that happen involving -Fi, as though it is a one-dimensional function. (One day I will use EEG like Dario Nardi and I won’t need to worry so much about using these abstract models anymore, I’ll just watch what goes on in the brain.)

It’s a particular problem in the mirage relation, SLI and SEE. Every time any progress is made in the relationship, I just kind of forget that Agustin has actually done things, real things, and I saw them and believed them when they happened, but in less than 24 hours I start to forget that it was real. I’m not trying to forget, I just
accidentally start going into denial and being unable to remember that this thing really happened. So I am unable to ‘have faith’ and trust that he is continuing the relationship. Every day, I think that he is ‘gone forever,’ in a way. It’s not quite that bad, but it’s like, every day I forget all over again that he does things to signify that it’s okay, he likes me, he wants to have *some* kind of continuing relationship with me, but the anxiety, the denial, and the forgetting just never go away. All over again, as if it was the first time, I will see him and think I have no connection with him at all and there is a barrier between us.

Last night again I talked to the Super Extreme Fat Guy who I’m trying to figure out if he’s an IEE-ENFp, my dual. I knew Jim from Taco Bell called himself fat, but this guy is like two or three times as fat as Jim, and I never thought Jim was extremely fat. (Jim, ILE-ENTp, semi-dual, a good relation – I have been with suspected semi-duals before.) Also, my cat Jacob is fat and I still love him.

The reason I keep encountering this guy is because he gets off a particular bus at a particular time of day when I am at work. The door is open next to where I wash dishes, and people always walk by and say hello to me. I’m like a celebrity dishwasher. EVERYONE talks to me. Customers who just came out of the restaurant will thank me and wave goodbye as they leave, acknowledging that I am part of the team that made their food and they liked it. I actually really like living in a world (this world that I am imagining) where you can just walk past open doors and say hello to the people inside, and see what’s going on in the world around you, see people working and doing things.

I got involved in talking to him, and lost track of time. That’s an unusual thing for me. Talking to him was more important than worrying about what time it was. So… I missed the bus home. I took a cab home and left my bike in town. As usual, it was just a ‘What sucks in your life today?’ and I was listing all the things that are horrible in my life, except it actually wasn’t that bad of a day yesterday and I wasn’t too miserable, so I was able to do this in a somewhat more cheerful tone. He always empathizes with me and clearly shows that he is concerned and emotionally involved, not detached. He looks at me with an expression saying ‘I care.’

If I only knew one thing about his socionic type, I would have to say I’m absolutely sure he’s some kind of ethical type (a ‘feeler’ or ‘F’ type in Myers-Briggs, or an ‘ethical’ or ‘E’ type in either the first or second letter position in socionics, such as IEE or EIE, SEI, and so on. If E is in the last position, such as SLE, it means
‘extravert.’ That’s why I actually don’t like the socionics naming system as much, and many of them on the web pages just use the Myers-Briggs four letter naming system. They put a lowercase ‘p’ or ‘j’ at the end to show that there is some disagreement about what those letters mean, between socionics and the Americans using Myers-Briggs, who often mistype people because there is this stupid mistake circulating around, a piece of disinformation that causes huge numbers of people to do it wrong and switch the ‘p’ and ‘j.’).

Well, that was a big technical tangent.

So I am simultaneously developing this relationship with the Fat Guy, and also slowly and cautiously and, with difficulty, developing a relationship with the Illegal Underage Guatemalan Kid Who Isn’t My Dual But Is Still Extremely Attractive. And Jesse is still in the army, not really in my life but not out of my life either.

I’m writing because I don’t feel like going to work today. I still think that the big elm tree spraying on campus is the reason why I am feeling so horrible lately. It needs to rain a whole lot more, tons and tons and tons, to try to wash away the poisons so that they stop lingering around the area. Maybe the HAARP system can direct their weather controlling energy into the atmosphere above this area to attract some rainstorms, and, oh, HAARP is a whole other topic to talk about some other day. It’s one of the things you have to know about if you are being attacked with electronic weapons or if you have electromagnetic sensitivity in any way. HAARP does things that affect the electromagnetic fields over large areas of the world. It’s a big giant system that shoots energy up into the sky, to make a long story short, and there are actually several places around the world where they do that, not just HAARP.

I guess I have to try to pretend I’m going to work now.

My concern is that I cannot be strong and confident with Agustin – I will still be timid and ashamed and fearful, unable to bond completely with him, but desperately wishing that I could. I considered writing him a note merely asking him to text me, but saying nothing else, and then we would just have to translate our text messages slowly, and I’d have more of a chance to explain and clarify things. I would just have to explain that I am a very shy and quiet person even when I’m speaking English and that’s the reason why I’m too shy to talk to him, even though I like him and think he’s very cute and attractive, something along those lines, letting him know that I do like him but I just keep failing at communicating with him because I am extremely shy. I’ll just have to find out what is the word for ‘shy’ in Spanish.

I’m a little bit anxious

July 29, 2016

I’m in such an irritable mood, and tired, and hungry, but when I see Agustin I don’t want to seem grouchy because I don’t want him to think I’m mad at him. I still don’t know if I am courageous enough to touch him freely. I’m so afraid of losing him or doing something wrong because I can’t communicate verbally to him. I can’t just say, ‘I’m in a crappy mood but it’s not because of you, it’s because my life sucks and it always sucks and never stops sucking.’ Last night I was jealous when he said goodbye to one of the waitresses who I really like and get along well with. I believe in polyamory in principle, but I get jealous in reality. I’ll feel better when I get all my stuff settled and when I get something to eat and all that. I am ‘walking on eggshells’ hoping that I don’t send the wrong signals to him.

Oh, by the way, I am trying to decipher a word. It’s something like ‘Wewo.’ I tried looking this up in a slang dictionary, and it might possibly be ‘Wew,’ which is like ‘Wow,’ an exclamation. But I am sometimes hearing a similar word in situations where ‘Wow’ wouldn’t make sense. I wondered if I was hearing ‘huevo,’ egg, because I happened to notice that word too when I was looking up words, but there was only one time when I think I heard someone say ‘dos huevos,’ two eggs, maybe. We do use eggs there so it could have been eggs. But people are saying it at other times. I can’t spell it. I can’t hear it well enough because I am usually too far away when somebody says it.

I’m so evil, I ignored him while he meowed outside for the past hour because I was in bed

July 29, 2016

Normally when he meows, even ONCE, I will rush downstairs at full speed at 3:00 am to let him back in. I keep the window open so I can hear him. But now I am sleeping naked because it’s been 115 degrees outside for the last few days, and I have to either put on a towel or put on some filthy work clothes if I want to go running downstairs to open the door for him while they are sleeping on the couch. I do usually take my chances if it’s the middle of the night and I will actually run downstairs naked if I know that nobody is going to be awake and walking around, but I won’t run through a room with people sleeping on the couch. So I actually ignored him while he meowed for the last hour, hoping that maybe someone downstairs would be a non-sociopath who would open a door for a meowing cat, because his cruel, heartless owner would not do it. Nope! Fucking sociopaths!

Meanwhile, I swear I had five cans of food, and I only used three and cannot find any more. What the fuck, was I only dreaming that I bought five cans? It would be no surprise if that’s what happened because of how little sleep I am getting.

I also sincerely believe that the goitrogenic kale in the green raw juices and green smoothies really does attack the thyroid just as I thought it did, because I started developing extreme and severe physical exhaustion in the last few days, so severe that I was having to try to doze off at work in the evening, and yesterday I took one of the Motrin pills that Carlos had up on the shelf. I’m tired way beyond my usual level of tiredness. I’m back to drinking cans of espresso because that’s the only thing strong enough.

Now he is inside the house meowing because he either wants another can of food (which I can’t find but I swear I have somewhere in this pile of garbage on the floor), or he is too scared to eat the disgusting artificially colored food downstairs in the bowl while there are scary people on the couch, or he wants the cat treats which are all gone and there aren’t any more in the bag and he kept trying to get into the bag while it was lying on the floor in the pile of garbage (since my garbage bags are outside with all the stuff that I was ready to move in the truck last Sunday), so I had to put the bag up on my bed next to the pillow so that he would stop trying to get into it in the middle of the night while I was sleeping.

The plus side of all this: some dude is supposedly going to take over my Monday and Tuesday evening shifts. I MIGHT HAVE SOME FREE TIME IN THE FUTURE. That will give me an opportunity to have sex with an illegal minor so that I can go to jail. Mwahahahahaha! I have plans for that free time!

(I’m actually not very concerned about this, believe it or not. It either simply won’t happen, or if it did happen, there would be nobody who complained about it, kind of like the cash money I’m receiving as my wages which is below minimum wage and which doesn’t have any taxes taken out of it either by me or by my employer, probably. My only genuine concern about having sex with a teenager is that *HE* might feel that I am pushing him to do something without his consent that he isn’t sure he wants to do. I’m 41 years old and there is absolutely nothing that I am going to complain about in this situation, other than having my heart broken when he inevitably falls in love with someone else, or whatever will happen. I don’t even know for certain how old he is, I only know that he has the cuteness of a teenager who hasn’t completely grown up yet. He could be nineteen for all I know. Also, how on earth is such a thing going to happen when I don’t even know for sure if I am going to get free time or not?)

I looked at the price of rent for businesses in State College. I didn’t have a lot of time to look at this, but I happened to see one example where you would have to pay about $3,300 a month in rent. Yeah… over $3,000 in rent each month. That’s not the same for every business, it was just one example. All of this slavery and all of this suffering, because of rent.

I was fantasizing about starting a restaurant of my own. I will hire every single fucking Mexican in the country of Guatemala, and bring them up here, and rescue Carlos’s entire family of six brothers and sisters who are all getting the money that he sends to them so that they can afford to buy, I dunno, a bag of rice. I swear that he said rice was very expensive there.

It’s understandable because this is one of those countries that has been incompletely modernized. The invaders come in and destroy the traditional hunter-gatherer-farmer way of life, but then leave the people with absolutely nothing as a substitute, so they have no way of earning money. Then they come in and exploit the land, by farming and mining it and stealing it away from the natives. The natives have no way to get a job or earn even a couple dollars so even a bag of rice is unaffordable, while in the USA, we view rice as the cheapest possible thing that you can eat, and we throw thousands of tons of it in the garbage. Carlos said that down there, they only cook exactly what they are going to eat each day, and they DO NOT throw hundreds of thousands of tons of rice into the garbage. Amen.

I won’t get into the technical issue of money printing and why dollars that come from the USA are so much more scarce and valuable in Guatemala.

So my restaurant will hire every fucking person who lives in Guatemala. They won’t even have to move up here and live in the USA. I’ll just mail them their wages down there and they can stay at home. It’s a stay at home restaurant job. They are telecommuting.

cat problem

July 29, 2016

I’m forced to shop at only two tiny convenience stores in town. Neither of them have any cat food that is edible. They have horrible stuff I would never buy, which is full of artificial colors. They have some other stuff which is for ‘indoor’ cats which I would also never buy and which Jacob refused to eat because it made him vomit. He’s probably vomiting when he eats this artificially colored shit too. I can’t get to any other store anywhere because I have exactly zero minutes of free time to go on a long bus ride to other grocery stores. I did have some canned food to give him in my room, but no bowl to put it in because I was planning to get out of here last Sunday, but Mike was reluctant to take me in the truck (he got drunk, even though he and I had planned in advance to go out in the truck that night, and then it rained too) and didn’t give me any hints that Tyler would be coming here all of a sudden this week when he originally said ‘August.’ So I put some of this canned food, which he also is having trouble eating because ‘Fancy Feast’ is low quality garbage and not the usual stuff I got for him, onto a plastic bag in my bedroom on the floor. He has been coming up to my room and driving me crazy in the middle of the night because he is hungry and unable to eat any of the crap that I’ve been forced to get for him while shopping at two tiny stores during a zero minute shopping spree that I don’t have time for. He’s now outside meowing to come back in.

I also seem to have gotten a litter that doesn’t work, and now it smells bad and there is absolutely fucking nothing I can do about it. They’re going to think I’m one of those morons who is too fucking stupid to change the cat litter. Again, I have a whopping TWO tiny convenience stores to shop from, neither of which have the right thing, and apparently I accidentally got a non-clumping litter, which has now allowed the urine to build up and smell like ammonia.

So we have these two people downstairs on the fold-out couch bed thing again and it really might be Tyler, I just have no idea why he isn’t here every single day and why he has no belongings to unpack and put away if he’s permanently staying here an entire semester, and why isn’t he sleeping here every single night? And how does he have a girlfriend with him? And these people are going to be mad at me and going to be thinking I’m an evil retard who is too fucking stupid to move out of the bedroom, and it’s all my fault and I planned deliberately to refuse to leave because of my communistic sense of entitlement.

Yep, that’s right. I AM an evil sociopath who abuses and neglects cats, and occupies bedrooms while laughing at the futile efforts of all the people trying to force me to leave. Mwahahahahahahah!

As usual, I was zapped awake long before Eric came home – he didn’t wake me up

July 29, 2016

He has his girlfriend with him but they didn’t come upstairs yet. I was forced awake for no reason, and then shortly after, they came home. I could hear them talking outside.

Also, the other day, when I thought Mike (the dad) was in the driveway, it wasn’t Mike, it was some other guy and his girlfriend. I have no idea who it was. It wasn’t the phantom Tyler because he shows no signs of staying here permanently.

I might possibly have found a guy who will take a couple evening shifts away from me, on Monday and Tuesday evening. I’ll still work in the morning on those days. I wanted just a little bit of extra time off.

Today I was on the phone for a long time trying to fix a problem with my tracfone. I wasn’t able to hear the guy, so I turned up the volume on my phone, which actually made it worse, but I didn’t realize that was what made it worse. I mentioned to the guy that I was having problems hearing him and he said, ‘Is it the microphone? Is it too loud?’

I turned down the volume on the phone and suddenly became able to hear him a little better, but THAT DOESN’T COUNT AS HIM BEING RIGHT. Why is this an issue for me? Because I hate the particular phone I was using and it was a piece of shit from day one. It’s an LG phone, and people on the internet say LG stands for ‘lousy garbage,’ and I agree. You shouldn’t have to adjust the volume on your phone to exactly the right magical spot in order to make the phone even usable. The phone is so unusable that you can’t hear anything on it in almost every situation no matter what. If you talk, it cuts off the voice of the other person, which is abnormal – a high-tech modern phone should never silence the other person’s voice when you are speaking into it, like an old-fashioned walkie-talkie or something! You should be able to talk and simultaneously hear the other person continuing to talk. If there is the slightest background noise around me at all, it comes into the phone and stops the other person from talking, by cutting them off. This phone is an absolute FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, which is why I never use it and I keep it as a spare phone for emergencies. I’m running low on minutes and I also wanted to not use my other two phones for technical reasons (I’m trying to steal the phone number from an old phone which is about to be deactivated), and I thought I might want to be able to push buttons and look at stuff on those phones instead of having to talk on them at the same time.

I tried getting a free phone from tracfone because of my network being upgraded and our old phones not working anymore, but the web page told me they couldn’t deliver a free phone to my address, which is at the UPS store.

It was complicated and it was a pain in the ass and it took much, much longer than I wanted it to take. I decided on impulse to try to do it during a slow time at work. I didn’t want to waste my entire siesta talking on the phone when I desperately needed a nap. But the guy said I might be able to get a free phone delivered to me and they’re going to try again.

Women’s socionic types: For some reason I find it much easier to guess the socionic types of men instead of women. I can’t guess the types of the waitresses at work. I also tend to forget all the waitresses’ names, too. I think this is because I’m more aware of how socionics works in an intimate relationship, and I’m not thinking of having intimate relationships with these women – they are a casual social relationship. None of them seem to be offending me or annoying me very badly, so I can only say that probably none of them are in the Beta Quadra. I’m not sure about Tara, though – I thought she could possibly be an IEI-INFp, in the Beta Quadra, but I don’t know. One girl, Dawn (who said her middle name was Nicole) was TOTALLY OBVIOUSLY an LSE-ESTJ, the same as Carlos, in the Delta Quadra like me, my mirror relation. She and I talked very comfortably from the first moment we met. The other girl who I like and who I am always talking to, but can’t remember the name of, also might possibly be that same type, too, LSE, but I’m not sure. The girl who was here today, Ebi or Ebony, seems really nice and cool and I like her, but I have no clue what she is and I thought she could possibly be an SEI-ISFP in the Alpha Quadra, but for some reason I don’t know.

After I mentioned the fat guy, ‘they’ suggested that possibly he’s an SEI-ISFP too, not a dual. I agree that might be likely. There was some reason why I didn’t want to be with him in the past, something that was lacking from the relationship and from our ability to talk to each other.

Well, since I’ve been zapped awake with electronic weapons, which has nothing whatsoever to do with Eric my housemate, I now have to sit here unable to sleep for hours and hours and hours, when I desperately need to sleep. If I get up and go to the bathroom and move around and make noises, he’s going to feel guilty thinking that he woke me up, when he didn’t. It wasn’t his fault at all.

I was reading about Guatemala and the Spanish invasion of South America. I was right when I observed that it seemed as though the Spanish didn’t totally destroy all of the Native Americans the way they totally destroyed them up here in the USA. Up here, they totally and completely wiped them off the land, taking over the land completely and leaving no natives living here at all, except for a tiny, tiny number of them far away on reservations out west.

But down in South America, it seemed like there were lots and lots of Native Americans still living there, even after the Spanish invasion, even today. I wondered about that. And the history that I glanced at online the other day talked about that, saying that the Spanish really didn’t completely destroy every human being in sight, but instead (and this is still a bad thing, but maybe not as bad), they made them into slaves, they made them into a lower class, and they raped the women and married them and had children with them, but it still left a lot of them alive. To me this is a lucky thing because I have loved Native Americans for many many years, for my whole life, and I hated it that they were destroyed.

I don’t have much Native American blood in my family – I am almost completely European – but my mother has just one person somewhere in her family that was a Native American. It’s just enough that it gave her, and me, cheekbones that were slightly higher than normal and a slightly different facial shape than normal (although I have the Weston Price facial deformities distorting the way I look). So I’m really not Native American but am fascinated with them and always have been, and it was this wonderful thing to discover that they are all still alive down there in South America, just not up here. I know there are also a lot of them up in Canada, too.

I don’t know if I will ever go back to sleep tonight.

Oh, but I’m getting someone to take over two of my shifts – the evening shifts on Monday and Tuesday. So I will have a few extra minutes to get a couple things done.

You are something, vos.

July 28, 2016

What on earth am I going to do with you, Agustino?

What is the ‘No Live Music’ conspiracy?

July 28, 2016

I just thought of this but don’t have time to think it through because I’m getting on the bus. If the entire world seems to be conspiring to make you suffer, maybe the conspiracy is real. That’s my new rule. I’m noticing that I suffer because there is no real music being played. I became more aware of this at the arts festival, when I danced to some live music.

It’s not as simple as saying that musicians conspire to prevent live music because it cuts into their profits if people are able to walk out into the streets and hear somebody playing music that is actually good… but yet, that kind of is part of the conspiracy. But it is more than that.

I’m talking about live music with acoustic instruments, no
microphones, music that you can dance to, music that doesn’t have such a loud beat that the beat is all you can hear and nothing else. This music is ‘unplugged.’ No microphones – imagine it! Inconceivable! Music played on a guitar or flutes in public, and other alternative instruments from foreign countries, and primitive instruments, and all the instruments that are available, but not for profit, and in a public place, so that people can dance as a group, spontaneously, like I did at the arts fest?

It never happens, and the lack of it makes my life unhappy. How much happier life would be if good music were everywhere. But instead, horrible music is shoved down my throat (although this has improved now that I have Latin American coworkers who are listening to a different kind of music – a lot of their music has a 6/8 beat or 3/4 beat and is more mellow and melodic). Why do I suffer? Is it a mere accident? Or is someone conspiring to make me suffer because somebody profits if I do?

Now that I have discovered the phenomenon of real, esoteric
conspiracies, it’s a fun thing to look for. Which bizarre and esoteric conspiracy will I notice next? The fruit tree conspiracy, the slow loading web page conspiracy, the no live music conspiracy – what next? If it conspires to make me suffer, all the time, everywhere, in such a way that I cannot escape from it, then the conspiracy is probably real.