Archive for February, 2016

too many winters

February 27, 2016

*having seen too many winters

that phrase was interesting to me. I think that I suddenly notice signs of aging right after winter, as though winter does permanent damage or pushes along the aging process. however, living down south also causes aging of the skin in white people, who get burned and saggy skin in intense sun. it just seems like i notice a change in myself right after winter.

brain cells could be dying back and pruning. i have white hairs, more than before. i noticed a very slight skin texture change.

the tea or something is giving me tonsil stones, which indicates that plaque is building up elsewhere in my body too, in my lymph – if it’s coming out of the tonsils then it’s in the lymph, i think, but that’s only a theory. i don’t necessarily believe the tonsil stone material just *goes in* to the holes in the tonsils; it could also be emanating from within the tonsils. anyway, stones accreting anywhere in the body indicate stones are also building up in invisible places. i may have artery plaque too, the equivalent of the tonsil stones. herbal tea.


February 27, 2016

*having been vaccinated last year for rabies
*drinking two new kinds of herbal tea
*chemicals in the tap water
*exposure to metal through skin, inhalation while handling hardware and stuff in the house
*exposure to coworkers’ secondhand drug residues from aprons – I don’t know if she wears aprons though (I did recently notice
antidepressant-like symptoms which were disturbing)

Example of small, random accidents that I don’t catch while making them. Brain problem.

February 27, 2016

I’m a perfectionist, and small random accidents and typos bother me. If the problem persists and worsens, the accidents could become more dangerous or deadly. My mom had an accident. It could have been her eyesight. But it happened coincidentally right at the same time Uncle Eugene died, as though they were trying to take them both out at once. Mom hooked the hook into the string around the bale of hay, then yanked the rope, expecting to pull and lift the heavy bale of hay. The hook was not hooked in. She pulled nothing. She fell backwards out of the hayloft. Her arm hit the plank made for the cat to walk up (the ‘catwalk’), which spun her sideways so she did not land flat on her back, she landed somewhat on her side. She tells me that she lost consciousness during the fraction of a second in which she was falling through the air. She broke her back. Miraculously, within a few months, her back was healed, after she went around in a wheelchair with a broken back.

I do not want anything similar to happen to me.

I just did something stupid while zoned out. Maybe mind controlled. Short circuited a battery.

February 27, 2016

I was just about to get on my bike and go to work. I was getting the battery ready for the motor. I have to plug two connectors into each other, and then plug the remaining two connectors into the motor on the bike.

Instead, I zoned out, fell asleep, and/or was mind controlled while doing the first step of this process. Instead of plugging only two connectors into each other, I plugged all four connectors into each other, made a spark, made some smelly smoke, and blackened the connectors and melted them so they no longer will let me click them together. So suddenly I could not use the battery, and so I could not use my bike, because the motor gives so much resistance to pedaling (while it’s turned off) that it’s like pedaling uphill through quicksand. You can’t just ride the bike for long with the motor turned off. Especially not for five miles. I can ride it for short distances, and certainly not uphill. And especially not in a hurry when you have limited time and have to get to work by 3:00 pm.

If I was mind controlled, their motive might have been to ‘protect me from harm’ because my brakes aren’t working well. Or, that might have been the inadvertent result achieved from this unexpected accident, because that is indeed a planned or unplanned positive result gained from this. If I can’t ride the bike, I can’t be at risk from the brakes not working very well.

However, it’s kind of funny to protect someone from harm by making them cause a battery to explode. All I did was fry the connectors, though.

Fortunately, another part of this coincidence is their dad drove into the driveway and walked in the door, only seconds after this happened. He drove me to work and dropped me off. He also got out his voltmeter or multi-tester or whatever tool (I had one in the past) and checked the battery and saw that it still had voltage and seemed normal. He literally came in the door while I was still sitting there on the floor looking bewildered and confused and shocked (emotionally, as the battery spark did not get me).

Innocent accidents do happen, but whenever they happen to
mind-controlled targeted individuals, there is always the question of whether someone was *forced* to have that accident. That’s actually a question with everyone; however, the idea only occurs to someone if they are already aware that they are being mind controlled. Other people could only conceive of this idea through some conventional explanation, such as something paranormal or supernatural, demons, ghosts, something pushed me to do it, whatever.

I know exactly how to connect the battery. I just blanked out while I was hooking the wires together.

Hopefully, this accident will make me cautious enough to give myself a ‘never blank out while doing this activity’ rule. I’ve never blanked out while driving a car or driving my bike in such a way that I would suddenly and spontaneously steer the vehicle off the road and have an accident; however, it is possible to do this.

I did already have that rule. Apparently it did not work. The wires need some kind of safety device such that two can be connected together properly, but all four cannot be connected simultaneously, due to some physical barrier. I could ‘cheat’ and buy a newbie’s battery which is all self-contained and requires no wires to be plugged and unplugged. Eric got those batteries because they are cheaper, more powerful, and more customizable than self-contained ready-to-go batteries for newbies.

The wires could be made so that only two are specially shaped to go into each other, but the remaining two can only go into the specially shaped holes of the motor wires, but cannot go into each other. Each one individually would have its own special shape that matches the receptor in the motor wires. They would be incompatible with each other. Like the positive would be star shaped, and the negative would be circle shaped. Or something.

Now I have to fix this by tomorrow, or else find an alternative way to go to work tomorrow. This means I will have to communicate with Eric about replacing the wire connectors, at some inconvenient time like tomorrow morning.

By the way, I *did* drink some regular coffee after making the ‘homeopathic’ coffee, so it was not merely caffeine withdrawal. I had a normal cup of coffee, with only one cup of water, and two heaping spoons of coffee, and drank it all.

‘Homeopathic’ coffee

February 27, 2016

I made instant coffee with one flat teaspoon in a gallon of water. I’m jokingly calling it ‘homeopathic’ coffee, but in reality, if it were homeopathic, they would dilute this several more orders of magnitude, like taking one teaspoon of this coffee water, and mixing it in with a new gallon of fresh water, then taking one teaspoon of that and mixing it into a new fresh gallon of water. The photo will be attached at the end because I’m writing this from email and that’s the only way you can insert a photo. I don’t feel like opening BloatPress to attach a photo. It almost looks like a big gallon of urine. It’s a golden brownish color.

I’ve experienced chemical sensitivity, so I know that it’s possible to react to a mere couple molecules of something. I don’t believe the trolls who claim that ‘there is no detectable amount of a substance in the water.’ Actually, there *is* a detectable amount of it. So, I won’t take homeopathic treatments, because they actually do contain tiny amounts of the toxic or dangerous substance, although that might actually work if you were trying to trigger your immune system safely. It would work on the same principle as vaccines.

But if your immune system was extremely compromised, then you would actually get the disease from a homeopathic treatment because it really contained a virus or two. I’m thinking specifically of the one person who wrote about using homeopathy for rabies. They actually took the saliva of a rabid dog and made a homeopathic treatment from it.

Anyway, this is a picture of my homeopathic coffee. I had to take several pictures because it kept telling me the image was shaking. My hand actually was shaking trying to hold this gallon jug balanced on my knee, so the water was probably shaking.

I have no idea how well this will work. I just made it right now. I am actually noticing that the less coffee and caffeine I use, the better and more energetic I feel the next day. I haven’t drunk any of this yet. I am also noticing that eating any nightshade foods at all, such as hot spices or tomatoes, triggers a very strong coffee craving afterwards, and causes pain all over my body. Coffee is a pain reliever, so I drink the coffee to relieve the pain after eating the nightshades.

It’s very important to understand the exact triggers of your cravings whenever you are trying to quit a drug. It’s not merely the pain from the nightshades, it’s also the nicotine. Nicotine and caffeine are similar in some ways – they’re in the same general category of drugs, I just forget the name of that category. Tomatine is the form of nicotine in tomatoes, and I don’t know the name of the form of nicotine in hot peppers. Taking one drug often triggers cravings for other drugs. They are ‘gateway drugs.’

I still haven’t bought a new bottle of pills, so I have been successfully going without caffeine pills for however long it’s been, a week or so. On the days when it’s really hard to get out of bed, I have wanted the pills a couple of times. Those are often the rainy days when my whole body hurts.

I think my stomach must be upset today, because I just drank a few sips of that homeopathic coffee and then felt like I didn’t want to drink any more. I also got up out of bed and had a bowel movement early this morning, which is extremely unusual and is often a sign of a stomach virus.

I haven’t played Terraria in weeks. I was sort of stuck at a certain place. I needed to kill a particular monster, but this monster causes my computer to slow down so that the frame rate is really jerky, and I can’t see what’s happening on the screen very well. I read about how to kill this monster in the Terraria wiki, and I sort of tried to do what they said, but I didn’t set it up in exactly the right way, so it kind of works and kind of doesn’t.

I really like Terraria, but there is something about the game that I don’t like. You can build all these houses, and you can put the non-player characters in them. But there are thousands and thousands of possible building materials, and infinity ways they can be arranged, so you can design beautiful and interesting houses. But there is only a small number of NPCs, just a couple dozen by the end of the game, I don’t know how many, but not a lot. You don’t have millions of new people joining you and living in those houses. Maybe you’ll play with friends over multiplayer, but even then, you’re not going to have so many people that you have to design hundreds of new and uniquely recognizable houses.

I would like the game if you would *populate* it somehow. I am pro-life and pro-population, which doesn’t necessarily mean that I believe in destroying the environment. I believe it’s possible for people to live on the earth without destroying the environment, and there are other factors besides mere population that cause it to be destroyed. To make a long story extremely short, it is the structure of corporations and government and the banking system and the legal system, and probably also the ‘ownership’ of land in our system, that cause the environment to be destroyed. It’s complicated – there are different kinds of environmental destruction, different kinds of pollution. I won’t get into it right now.

Anyway, I am pro-life. And in a video game, I want the NPCs to have babies. I don’t necessarily just want to play The Sims or something like that, although I would probably like that game. I also want the NPCs to actually *use* all the couches and beds and furniture that you make for them. I want to see them using it. I also want to grow more plants, but in a different way, the type of growth where you wait a longer time, like a tree, and see the gradual development of the plant. You can grow small herbs, but they just magically appear after you walk off the screen for a while, and they don’t grow larger. I like cumulative growth, progress you can see.

I also want to grow animals there deliberately. You can kill the wild animals either accidentally or deliberately, but you can’t do anything useful with them, like eat the meat and use the materials for something. I would like to use the primitive materials such as the sinew, for example. The animals just get splattered and you can’t do anything. You also can’t reproduce the animals except by using statues that make them appear out of the statue, which is sort of magical / mechanical, but I want it to be literal reproduction of the animals, if only they have the right living conditions, if they have enough food and shelter and if they can encounter other animals.

So I want the game to be more pro-life and more literal, not symbolic. If I’m going to build beautiful, unique houses using special materials, then I want hundreds of new people to live in those houses, and use the special furniture.

I’m not going to try playing The Sims. I already know it’s a good game. It’s an old game and it’s hugely popular and they’ve made all kinds of sequels and stuff. I don’t need to try it and get addicted to it to find out that it’s a good game.

I haven’t had the energy to try making games using GameMaker. That usually requires a lot of drug use. I have to use caffeine pills and St. John’s Wort and ginseng and other things, maybe not all at the same time, in order to have the mental focus and ambition needed to use the game maker.

I’ll attach the coffee photo now. I drank a little of it but almost felt like I was going to throw up. I think it’s ‘State Patty’s Day’ today, which means it will be hell on earth at McDonald’s, and also there were lots of people coming into town for a concert last night, and when travelers come to town, they always bring stomach viruses with them. So on the days when we need employees the most
desperately, a lot of people call off sick with stomach viruses.

I still need to fix the brakes on my bike. They’re getting worn down. They still work, but I have to start braking a longer distance before where I want to stop. I just can’t do stuff like that when I’m exhausted from working so much. I have to do it on my day off. I also have to keep my caffeine levels lower. I’ve been going up and down with the caffeine levels. I’m keeping track of it. The more caffeine I use, the more I get worn out.

Also, if I eat the chocolate chips (which are almost gone,
thankfully), I become *extremely* irritable and have an uncontrollable bad mood, and become angry, many hours later in the day. It is either withdrawal, or else it is happening at the moment when the chocolate reaches some location in my intestines where it is getting absorbed and causing a reaction. I have noticed many poisonous substances don’t do anything until they get to your lower intestines and start to get absorbed, many hours later, but they don’t seem to be poisoning you right after you eat them.

Chocolate’s connection to extreme anger is yet another reason why I insist, chocolate is NOT good for you, even if it allegedly contains antioxidants or some other plant-y thing. Anyone who stops eating chocolate is going into DRUG WITHDRAWAL, which is not the same thing as malnutrition! You might think to yourself, ‘I feel like crap because I’ve stopped getting all those antioxidants from the chocolate!’ BS. It’s drug withdrawal. I’m nagging a well known internet doctor who admits that he eats cacao bean nibs or whatever they are called, deliberately. It’s a drug, it’s always a drug, and anybody who sells it to you for its alleged health benefits and its alleged antioxidant benefits is a charlatan selling you an addictive drug and lying to you about it.

Well, the homeopathic coffee is starting to affect me. I still don’t have a lot of energy, and haven’t jumped out of bed, but I’m finding it easier to type a long, obsessive blog post and I’m finding it easier to get worked up in a rant.

Brain problems. Withdrawal from chamomile causes a strange, paranormal, ghost incident in the middle of the night.

February 23, 2016

3:40 AM 2/23/2016

Tonight, when ‘they’ woke me up, they told me that I meant to say ‘rickets,’ not ‘osteoporosis,’ in my previous post. They are both bone diseases and they are both similar, but rickets is the one I was referring to. I really was also referring to osteoporosis in the long term, but I agree, in the short term, I was probably trying to refer to rickets.

‘They’ suggested that I could try fish oil. In my experience, fish oil causes bruising and mini-strokes which are temporary, bruises inside the brain. That would cause even more brain weirdness, I’m sure. But I need a non-processed, non-oil form of fish oil, which would be, the organ meats of fish who lived in pure, clean, unpolluted waters and were wild caught.


I’m having subtle but alarming brain problems caused by multiple factors, some of which are unknown. I’ve been noticing a lot of typos. I’ve also been noticing strange mistakes at work, forgetting little things, doing stupid unexplainable and unpredictable mistakes, making mistakes and not knowing I’m making them. My mistake detector hasn’t been working. I often feel that I’m making a mistake while I’m making it. I talked about this in my blog before. I feel the mistake, then fix it afterwards. I’m not feeling the mistakes when they happen, and that’s scary.

When I was drinking the decaf coffee my brain was *really* bad, so I stopped drinking it. I’m using a different technique now. I’m drinking normal coffee, but starting to dilute it. That way, I won’t be drinking toxic solvents from decaf. I won’t make a big search to find the least toxic brand of decaf. I’ll just dilute it. I would have needed to start diluting the decaf coffee anyway too, because if I were quitting gradually, using decaf, even the decaf itself would have needed to be diluted eventually.

I have not mentioned that I have been drinking two herbal teas for experimental purposes. I’m temporarily quitting both of them but will continue to observe their effects and will probably at least finish off the packages. One of them has chamomile for sleep. The other one was an ‘impulse buy’ or ‘suggested experiment,’ which was a liver detox tea, something I would not normally buy. I do not believe in ‘detox,’ and I also do not believe in ‘Herxheimer reactions.’ Herxheimer reactions are, allegedly, when you start doing some kind of detox, and you start moving around poisons and heavy metals which have been stored in one location in your body over to other locations in your body, you allegedly start reacting to them all over again, causing new reactions.

The reason why I do not believe in this is because people use it as an excuse for symptoms which are caused by the ‘detoxifier’ itself. You use some toxic chemical allegedly to detoxify, but the toxic chemical itself directly causes symptoms, and every single symptom you experience, you attribute merely to Herxheimer reactions.

This leads to people ignoring and dismissing all of their symptoms. Just keep drinking the toxic substance and wait it out! It’s only a phase! The symptoms will all go away soon if you just keep drinking it! It’s just the *old* toxic substances coming back out again!

I first noticed this phenomenon when I read about the Bach Flower Treatments. People were saying that a particular flower caused them to get a rash, and the pro-flower trolls on the websites were urging them, ‘No! Just keep using it! That’s just the toxic stuff being pulled out of your body through the skin! It’ll go away! In fact, it’s a GOOD thing!’ Meanwhile, I was thinking, ‘No – that flower just causes a rash.’

I believe in the use of herbs as alternative medicine, but there is such a thing as good use, and bad use, of herbs. Some herbs work for a particular purpose, and others do not.

I won’t go into a huge rant about how the schoolbooks taught us that pretty much ALL herbal medicine is BS by definition, and how they slandered the practice of herbal medicine by telling us in school that the ‘Doctrine of Similars’ or something like that, I forget exactly what, was how people decided which herbs to use for which condition. We were misleadingly taught (or rather, a deliberate lie was taught to us) that herbalists would say, ‘Ooh, that plant leaf is shaped like a liver. That plant must be able to treat liver diseases!’

But this doctrine of similars actually exists; however, it is merely a mnemonic aid for pre-literate tribes who do not have paper and books to write things down in. They try eating unfamiliar plants using the Universal Edibility Test. Then, they observe all of the effects the plant has on their body. Afterwards, they look and see if there are any memorable traits of the plant that will help connect the plant to what it is useful for. In retrospect, they notice that it resembles a liver, and they use this as a mnemonic aid to help them recall that this particular plant is helpful for the liver.

But they did not, and should not, and would be making a mistake if they did, go out and deliberately search for unfamiliar, untested, unknown, liver-shaped plants, thinking in advance that those plants must surely be good for the liver. That would indeed be wrong, but that is not the ONLY way that the Doctrine of Similars (or whatever) is used. I’m sure it originally was used in retrospect as merely a mnemonic aid.

Our schoolbooks never even considered the possibility that perhaps this doctrine of similars thing evolved as a mnemonic aid for groups of people who did not have books and writing and had to remember everything. Our schoolbooks also never taught us the concept of the universal edibility test. They never explained that it was possible to eat, or touch, or inhale the scent of, an unfamiliar plant, and then observe your internal bodily sensations to discover which organs were affected by the plant.

The schoolbooks do not use internal sensing. This is a socionic phenomenon. They use external sensing. They believe the only way to know anything at all is to do a scientific experiment, which is external sensing. You have to be able to look at symptoms which are externally visible, which usually means gross and horrifically bad symptoms that are extreme to the point of death. You cannot look with your eyes to see the subtle sensations being experienced in another person’s body. Only that person can tell you what subtle internal sensations they are experiencing.

The anti-internal-sensing schoolbooks taught us that *ALL* internal sensations are merely NOTHING BUT some crazy, woo-woo, imaginary placebo effect that only a crazy, stupid, ignorant person would experience, and so they should ALWAYS be ignored and dismissed. The person’s internal sensations are ALWAYS assumed to be a worthless, less valid piece of information, referred to as ‘anecdotal evidence,’ rather than valid acceptable evidence which is essential and extremely useful. The bias in favor of external sensing instead of internal sensing is yet another one of the million things I hate about public school.

Oh yeah, listen to this. When the murdering morons gave my coworker penicillin, which killed her baby within a day or two, and she went back to them, they told her she was crazy, and she had never been pregnant in the first place, and she was merely just fat. She was indeed fat to begin with before her pregnancy. But, she had been going to the doctor for months and they had all believed she was pregnant all this time, and they had determined that it was going to be a boy, and I’m assuming they did that with an ultrasound. So, they would have ultrasonic images of a developing baby boy in her medical records.

They told her to come back and get the uterus ‘cleaned out’ after the baby’s death, but it occurred to me: This is ASS COVERING TACTIC #356. The ass covering will occur after she gets the ‘abortion’ and then tries to sue them for killing her baby. ‘What??? We killed your baby??? No we didn’t! You came to us requesting an abortion, and we gave you one!!!’ ASS COVERING!

I don’t know why she canceled the appointment, but she did, perhaps even before I wrote her the letter urging her to.


I saw another typo, but I corrected it. I have been noticing that I am ‘losing my touch.’ One of my SLI coworkers, the boyfriend of the girl who lost her baby, was showing subtle signs of growing contempt towards me during the couple of weeks when I was drinking decaf and was noticing lots of mistakes at work. I was doing stupid, brain-dead mistakes. He didn’t say anything out loud, but I detected growing contempt and disrespect for me.

I really believe it was the toxic chemicals in the decaf, because these kinds of things don’t happen as badly if I just quit caffeine by merely stopping caffeine, and not by using decaf. That’s why this particular bout of experimenting will be nothing but dilution of regular coffee.

And as I pointed out earlier, dilution of the decaf coffee would have been inevitable too, so sooner or later, I would have still needed to start keeping track of the coffee drinking and track of how much I was diluting it.


I went into withdrawal from chamomile. I was drinking it every night at bedtime. It stopped working quite as well as it originally did, which indicates that my body was developing whatever-it-is, more receptors for it, or more – I was just attacked, and the word was removed from my brain. Enzymes. Cytochromes, something. Something that metabolizes the herbal drug was increased in my body, the same way that caffeine stops working as well for you after you become addicted to it, and you need higher and higher doses.

Like St. John’s Wort withdrawal, the withdrawal from chamomile causes fear at nighttime. (Note: I am understating it by saying it merely causes ‘fear’ to withdraw from SJW. It causes DEMONS to ATTACK YOU. If you want to experience this, try using SJW and then suddenly quitting. It is an antidepressant. In my experience, it causes suicidal and homicidal feelings, although not as severe as those caused by prescription antidepressants at high doses. I am not actually recommending for anybody to take SJW and then suddenly stop, though.)

Tonight, I had a paranormal experience. I no longer interpret paranormal experiences the same way I used to, because of being attacked with radio frequency weapons. However, this was different. It was definitely due to the withdrawal from chamomile.

I was being attacked when I was forced awake from my fake dream, and I felt like I was going to be sick at my stomach or have diarrhea. I went to the downstairs bathroom, thinking I might end up having to throw up in the toilet down there. Nothing happened, and I actually felt better a few minutes after getting up.

I was downstairs in the family room. There was some light coming in the window. I don’t think it was moonlight, although we do have a full moon. I think it was a neighbor’s streetlight or something. The white light was shining on the white sheet of paper, the piano music on the piano. I was walking through the living room and I saw that white sheet of piano music glowing bright white in the surrounding darkness. Not glowing – it was being lighted by the light.

But it reminded me of those claymation movies that I do not like because the lighting is too dark throughout the movie and it has an ‘indoors’ feeling which is somehow sickening, disturbing, and uncomfortable. Something about the lighting in claymation movies bothers me. I don’t like any movies that are too physically dark, literally, dark throughout the movie. I want to see outdoor scenes with light, sun, sky, clouds, plants, soil, and fresh air, and I want the light to be bright, not dim.

It was like that. It had the horrible feeling of the light being too dim, with nothing but this bright white piece of paper on the piano. It really looked almost like ‘black light,’ those ultraviolet lights that cause particular objects to shine weirdly.

At that moment, while I was staring at this piece of paper, unable to look away, while walking slowly, I suddenly saw a cabinet or some tall object out of the corner of my eye, behind me. I felt like it was Eric, my housemate, a tall person, walking silently behind me. I suddenly felt a rush of very intense fear, panic, and adrenaline, and I said, ‘Oh my god!’ and suddenly spun around to face the invisible person behind me.

After that, I turned on the light. I’m accustomed to often walking around with the lights off and I have no problem seeing, usually.

Jacob just now came up into my bedroom – he was probably forced to do it at this particular moment – and his heavy footsteps were so loud, I panicked once again and tried to find my flashlight, because it sounded like a person was entering my room, stomping on the floor.

Fear and panic during the night are what I experienced during Prozac withdrawal, after I took the lowest possible dose for only one week, then stopped. I also experience the same after SJW withdrawal, and now, I’ve shown that it happens after plain old chamomile tea withdrawal. However, the tea contains multiple ingredients, and I am only assuming it was the chamomile in particular that caused it.


I know there were several other things I was going to say, but I forget what. I should test the internet again to see if it’s possible to post this from home. I’m off work today, FINALLY, after working more days in a row than I have worked in a long time.

The main point I wanted to talk about was simply the fact that I am noticing strange brain problems that are worse than usual, strange mistakes that I don’t catch when I make them, mistakes at work and also while writing. It doesn’t matter so much if I am merely going around the house doing nothing. The problem would still be there but it would be less noticeable. There are several different factors that could be causing this brain problem. It was happening even when I was using more caffeine, so it is not merely nothing but caffeine withdrawal.

The reason our internet is off is because the dad moved out of the house (to go live with his girlfriend), and tried to transfer his internet service to his new house, while also simultaneously keeping the service active at this house. The idiots he had to talk to on the phone were unable to comprehend the situation. I hate dealing with cable companies. He still intends to pay for service at both houses and was not trying to just shut this one off. They’re still making phone calls and trying to fix it.

I’m also wondering if California Chemical Syndrome could be causing some of my symptoms. California Chemical Syndrome is when you buy an ordinary object at the store, then suddenly see a warning that says it’s known in the state of California to cause cancer or reproductive effects. I actually believe California is right about these things, because I was touching and handling some of the tools in the hardware section that had this warning, and I felt poison sensations in my skin and body merely from touching them for a few minutes. I can feel chemicals going through my skin.

My bicycle motor might have California Chemicals in it. Last time I bought a motor, there was this horrible chemical smell coming from it when I opened the box. The smell was so bad I had to wrap it up in plastic and keep it closed inside a box. It was a different kind of motor, but the point is, these are pieces of hardware coming from China, and hardware-focused people are NOT usually also simultaneously health-focused people, even if they are my socionic identicals (SLI / ISTP). Tool-focused people would not learn as much about nutrition and would tend to have conventional beliefs about chemicals, the idea that, ‘Oh, nothing is really dangerous, that’s all just paranoia, you can touch and handle any chemicals safely that are sold in the store, nothing is really dangerous.’

I have interacted with many identicals, most of them male – I hardly ever see SLI females, but I think there was one, Elora, at McD until recently – she left. I’m not 100% certain of her type and didn’t know her very well. We worked different shifts. I also think Heidi was one – she was Eric’s old friend, but she moved away after college and has a boyfriend or fiance or something now. I wasn’t quite sure of her type either but believed she was a SLI.

Anyway, the female SLIs are usually less tool-focused, which in some ways is a shame – we need more tomboy mechanics who are tool users. The girl Jesse was dating, who freaked out when I contacted her, was explicitly a redneck and made facebook posts about how happy she was to be back home fixing a truck again, or something like that. I’m not making fun of her – I started getting used to her and I started liking her, right at the moment when she freaked out and broke up with Jesse because of me. She instantly got a new boyfriend overnight, probably from the same dating app (I asked Jesse how he met her, and it was from a dating app). I looked at him. He looks like he isn’t an IEE. I can’t read anything about him because there wasn’t much visible on his facebook page. He looks more like he could be an EII (activator, if she is really a SLI).

There are redneck, country-music-loving, authority-worshipping, sheeple SLIs, one of whom is at work with me, and it takes effort for me not to get annoyed by him. I don’t think he is a completely different type, I think he really is a ‘SLI variant.’ He loves the military who is out there fighting for us, and has no questions about what they are doing or what the bigger picture might be. We must do everything by the book when we are at work, but it is a stupid book that we are following which does things the stupid way, a harder way which is more inconvenient for us.

He was torturing me with his unbearable music today, although I was much, much, much mellower than usual and I was able to tolerate the country music because of my caffeine reduction. I can tolerate horrible music if I reduce caffeine. However, some of the music was still unbearable, the oldies in particular, the songs I hear over and over again 100,000 times. I like that old time-a rock and roll! That kinda music just soothes the soul! I reminisce about the days of old! With that old time-a rock and roll! Still like that old time-a rock and roll AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that’s me screaming in agony).

So one of the variations in the identicals is, some of them do not seek novelty in music. And if he ever did seek any novelty, he wouldn’t be playing it in the workplace. He plays the most generic, most popular, most familiar music, and forces the entire world to hear it, so that I have to scream loudly over top of it, and have to say, ‘What? WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?’ every time anybody talks to me.

I was a novelty seeker in music. I sought esoteric music that no one had ever heard before. I could not find the specific music of my soul, and so, I sought to write that music myself, but cannot do it, because of the slavery of this society, where you must work endless hours to earn a miniscule wage that pays for almost nothing. I also cannot write music while being mind controlled. I get attacked very, very, very, very severely when I am writing music. The soul murderers punish me very severely if I do it. I have had this happen multiple times. Music is probably my greatest talent.

It’s theoretically possible that this guy could be an ILI instead of a SLI, but I really don’t think so. He doesn’t say the strange and unpredictable things that make me laugh like an ILI usually does. I think he probably is affected by secondhand drug residues from his wife, who has seizures and takes drugs for them (yet another vaccine symptom!). I only learned this not too long ago.

He also uses a lot of caffeine, although I don’t see him using as much as he used to when he was working overnights a lot. He also is a smoker, and my observation is that smokers ALWAYS behave differently from their socionic identicals. All tobacco users have major, drastic differences from their socionic identicals, to the point where they have actual conflicts and annoy each other. Smokers always tend to be angrier and more hostile and more violent. Tobacco chewers (which correlates with ‘rednecks,’ ‘rural areas,’ and ‘country’) tend to be *even more* violent and hostile.

(I loathe the song ‘old time rock and roll,’ but I agree with its observation that newer music is different from, and worse than, older music. Older music tended to be played with actual instruments instead of synthesizers. The human beings who wrote the music, played the music, and sang the music tended to have fewer Weston Price deformities, so they actually had good singing voices. They had fewer Weston Price brain deformities and less chemical poisoning, so their brains functioned better and were capable of deeper understandings of life and the human condition, and therefore, their music tended to be deeper instead of shallow. They were educated in music and were able to write songs that had an actual structure, rather than just using a synthesizer to repeat the same sound over and over again through the entire song. Finally, the electronic mind control system, and also all of the radio background noise that isn’t directed at anybody deliberately, were much less back then, so the musicians could write, play, and sing from something closer to their true souls, although people were still being attacked many years ago in different ways.)

I think the internet might be working…

I forget what this is about. I’m in a hurry…

February 22, 2016

9:24 AM 2/22/2016

I keep catching typos again, just little minor ones. I’m thinking the right word in my head, but then I notice that the wrong word has been written on the screen. It’s minor things like ‘hoped’ instead of ‘hope.’


By the way, when I complain about landowners, I am not saying that individual people owning a plot of land with their house on it are evil. That’s not what I mean at all. I mean, this entire system and method of owning land is evil.

It’s easy to see the outright theft of land whenever there are obvious incidents in third world countries where people openly steal the land from the natives and throw them off the land. That really happens. It’s being documented on various websites that are observing it. Human rights organizations and other organizations keep track of it.

However, I’ve always felt kind of ‘jealous’ of the Native Americans, in a way, and I’ve detected this jealousy in other white people too when they talk about it – we’re ‘jealous’ because Native Americans are being given ‘special privileges’ because they are Native Americans. Do not take this the wrong way! I am going somewhere with this!

Native Americans do have a ‘special privilege,’ of being recognized as a tribe that was invaded and thrown off their own land and forced to live on reservations, a tribe that was, and is, the victim of genocide. It is known, you can talk about it, and people will believe you.

However, I am a white woman born in the USA. I cannot talk about how I myself am also the victim of genocide (although I might get sympathy from feminists), how I myself have been thrown off my land and forced to live as a slave, without people looking at me kind of funny. I can find a small minority of people who would understand what I’m talking about and agree with me, but the vast majority of people would find this statement utterly incomprehensible.

People don’t understand that white people, living in white society, are slaves who do not necessarily want to live this way, in this society. Just because we are white doesn’t mean we agree with everything white people do.

When I complain about land ownership being the root of all evil, I’m referring to how land ownership affects the prices of everything, the entire cost of living, in so many ways, direct and indirect.

Farmers have to operate cruel, disgusting, horrible, abusive, toxic factory farms, because they need to earn enormous *revenues* at very high speed merely to pay for their land and their equipment, to avoid going out of business. I emphasize ‘revenues’ because everybody just uses the word ‘profit’ to refer to all money that goes into a business, but most of that money that goes into the business goes right back out again to pay their expenses. They do make profits, but their profits are not as huge as people imagine, because people aren’t thinking about their enormous expenses, and land is a huge expense that no one can avoid.

Factory farms wouldn’t need to exist if there weren’t so much pressure, so many expenses, just to prevent bankruptcy. Land expense is one of the biggest unavoidable expenses. I’m not even talking about taxes – I’ve already talked about that decades ago when I became a libertarian. It goes without saying that I am anti-tax. I could conceivably be pro-tax if I was the dictator of the country and I got to decide who was taxed and what the taxes would be used for, but that is not the case.

As for me being a white woman in white society, I could conceivably do genealogy research (I hope I spelled that correctly) and find out which minority ethnic white group that I came from in the distant past, and invariably, I guarantee you, that group would have been invaded and thrown off its land by some other white group at some time in the past. I do have some kind of Welsh and German, Irish/English kind of thing in me, and those people were invaded by the Romans. I know the Welsh people were victims of genocide. That island was taken over. The Irish people were forced off their land too. Pretty much all those islands up there were taken over by various people. But then, we’d blame all the Romans and would overlook the Roman working class slaves.

Anyway, I was going to say that the price of food is also high because the cost of land is so high. If we didn’t pay for the land at all, the cost of food would plummet. So not only would we be relieved of our rent and mortgage payments, we would simultaneously be relieved of a large part of our food cost as well. With less financial pressure, farmers could afford to grow more organic food, and it would be more widely available with more variety and would cost less.

I’m just blogging before work. I’ve had my cup of coffee, with three scoops of coffee powder in it today. I’m working extra hours and taking somebody else’s shift today. All these extra days I’m working are not worth it financially at all. The increase in my pay will be trivial, even if I get a tiny bit of overtime.

Oh, I forgot to mention another thing. My aging.

A coworker, Jim, pointed out to me, a month or two ago, that it looked like I was stooped over. This was the guy who I originally typed as a SLE, and later typed as EII – I mistyped him as his conflictor.

That’s not even the first time I’ve mistyped people as their conflictors. I once typed Gordon Joseph Levitt as an LSI, and somebody else typed him as an IEE. I remember talking about the movie ‘Inception’ and saying I absolutely loved Joseph Gordon Levitt and was trying to figure out what type he was. He was cute, and he was kind of tough and reliable as a background helper, and I just loved something about him. I figured he must be an LSI because he was playing the role of a gun-shooting brain-invading secret agent guy doing horribly evil things to people as a service to corporations. Oops – it turns out that my duals do horribly evil things.

Somebody else typed him as IEE, and after that I was like, ‘Oh yeahhhhhh – I can kinda see that!’ He played a role in another movie, ‘Looper,’ or something? where he was a nice guy taking care of a young boy and philosophizing about the consequences of negative
relationships in childhood, trying to prevent the boy from growing up to be a monster.

Anyway. So I originally mistyped Jim as his conflictor. It happens to the best of us. Some web page officially states that Steve Jobs was an ISTP (although they probably believe an ISTP uses Ti and Se, which is actually the ISTJ, much closer to the ENFJ that Steve Jobs actually was).

Well, Jim observed that I had a stooping posture. During the conversation he seemed to connect it to my heavy backpack and the fact that I was always walking and riding my bike and camping.

I actually really noticed this piece of information, because I myself had subconsciously felt as though I was stooping for the last few weeks before he said that. I became aware that it took a little bit more effort for me to stand up straight, that I wasn’t standing up straight automatically.

Well, here is what I think happened, putting the pieces together in hindsight.

I was camping through December. I was buying tons and tons of these butter cookies and eating them, because it was hard to get a source of saturated fat while camping and while unable to store any food. I probably could have made a better food storage arrangement, but I did not want to build any permanent infrastructure when I was stealth camping in a public park. I did not invest in any infrastructure other than just the tent.

So I had no real food sources and was relying on these butter cookies as a major source of energy during the Christmas season – they were special cookies that were not always on sale, and I happened to notice them because I liked the picture on the tin (I should take a photo and post it one of these days).

I think that eating all this white flour, over the short term, actually gave me more osteoporosis. I am already at risk for osteoporosis because of the enormous amounts of caffeine I use, especially the pills. Caffeine depletes minerals from your body, and drastically affects everything in your metabolism, changing
everything, speeding up the movement of food through your intestines so that nothing ever gets absorbed, and you get no nutrients.

Also, my plastic dental fillings constantly leach bisphenol-A into my mouth, and I haven’t removed them yet because I do not have privacy at any of the apartments I’ve rented in the last few years, and privacy is required for running a noisy drill on an air compressor (using an air powered dental drill was the cheapest setup I could find) and doing something as weird and scary as removing my own dental fillings at my own risk. Bisphenol-A is an estrogen mimic, and anything at all that resembles a hormone is going to screw up all the hormones in my entire body, thereby probably increasing my rate of osteoporosis.

White flour is one of the major causes of osteoporosis. I do not know the exact mechanism. It might not merely be because all grains contain phytic acid, an anti-nutrient that blocks absorption of minerals. It’s not just loss of minerals that causes osteoporosis – it’s the destruction of collagen, which makes bones flexible and elastic, so that they are able to bend and stretch without breaking. Doctors are all wrong about bone density being the key to
osteoporosis. It’s stretchiness that matters most. A bone must be able to bend. One side of the bone will compress, and the opposite side of the bone will stretch, and when it stretches, it must remain together without snapping. Collagen does that.

Collagen is a protein. Vegetable proteins are metabolized differently from meat proteins in some way – there were studies done that showed that the more plant protein you ate, the worse your osteoporosis became, but these were done by corrupt and biased scientists who drew the conclusion that all protein in general was bad for you and you should never eat meat. Native Inuit people who eat large amounts of meat and fat in the winter (but yes, they *do* eat leafy greens and fruits and berries in the summer!) do NOT get osteoporosis UNLESS they have been the victims of genocide and are eating the white flour, sugar, coffee, tea, tobacco, alcohol, cocoa, and canned foods delivered to them from modern society, as Weston Price observed.

Anyway, various people have traced osteoporosis to flour.
Osteoporosis has existed for a long time in European society. It’s probably connected to all grains in general. I don’t know enough about Chinese society to say whether old Chinese people who ate rice all their lives will be small and stooped over when they get old. But in primitive tribes where they do not eat grain, they do not become old and stooped like that.

So I ate tons of white flour over the month of December, and started to actually feel subconsciously aware that I was now stooping over when I was standing. I tend to look down at the ground instead of looking ahead of me.

I’ve actually had something that I thought was osteoporosis before, and it actually got better when I stopped caffeine. I’ve had hip problems before while taking those super strong caffeine pills.

I’m still holding onto hope that I can stop it before it happens. If my hip joints are destroyed, I refuse to get implanted fake hips. They are toxic and life ruining. I would rather go around in a wheelchair because I am unable to walk. The hip joints will completely erode, like tooth cavities, and never grow back.

I must stop all caffeine, and still should somehow remove my estrogenic dental fillings, and I must stop all grain eating. I must control my diet and eat only the foods I choose. This directly contradicts the large number of hours I’m working at McDonald’s right now, which will give me only a trivial increase in income that won’t even be worth it. The cost of working so much is much higher than the increase in pay.

I have sacrificed everything. The sewing machine has sat there in the same place this whole week, untouched, when I was just on the verge of attempting a sewing project. I haven’t made any further fixes or improvements to my bike, but now I need them more urgently – my brakes are wearing out and I need to replace them. They’re starting to scrape. When I’m working this many hours, I can’t even so much as make a trip to the bike shop to let them fix it, much less make a project of ordering the parts and fixing it myself. Although actually I probably will be able to order the parts and do it myself, if only I can get on the internet. I can’t use the internet enough at work to be able to do things like ordering bike parts, which requires a lot of mental focus and willpower to do.

I should start getting ready for work. I’m going in at 12:00 and so I have to leave in a little while here. It’s frustrating that I can’t just hit ‘send’ and publish this right now.

But about my stooping posture – it does slightly improve if I go a few days without wearing the backpack or riding my bike, if I do nothing but rest, but I still insist that it’s not merely because of the backpack, it really is because of osteoporosis. The backpack may trigger me to go into that posture, but it would not happen if my bones were healthy.

I was going to mention I’m noticing more signs of aging. I’ve had crow’s feet around my eyes, wrinkles when I squint or smile, for a few years, and I don’t mind those too much. I sort of like the way they look, although I probably would not like it if my entire face was melting and drooping around my eyes, which it eventually will.

I have also seen more gray hairs gradually appearing. They are silver and beautiful and I refuse to do anything about them. I leave them in. I won’t color them. Every once in a while I will find a medium long gray hair stuck to the blanket or something and think, ‘Is this MINE?’ The gray hairs are around my face usually. They do not grow long. They are the short pieces that grow a few inches and then fall out. There are a few scattered elsewhere that are medium long. I suspect that all of my hair will shorten, because the life of the hair will shorten, as it turns gray. Again, I will do nothing to modify it. The tribe must know how old I am, so that they can see, at a glance, that I am wise and knowledgeable, that I am an elder. This gives me authority and respect.

The one thing that disturbs me is I have noticed a change in texture of my skin. It is very subtle and mild. It has the ‘crepe’ texture now, where it wrinkles into very tiny wrinkles when you push on it. I can see this on my arms. It still springs back, but it feels more fragile, as though a cut would do more damage to it, and that I should be careful not to injure myself too badly. No one else would be able to see this, because the skin of my arms still looks full and rounded and springy. It’s only something in the texture when I touch it, something I can feel that is different. It almost feels as though there is a tiny bit of pain if I stretch the skin too far by pushing it with my fingers. The skin is telling me ‘Don’t do that anymore.’

There are people who live to be 117 years old and they say, ‘I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day every day of my life.’ Well, that’s true, but that’s because they were meant to live to be 150 years old! This is what I seriously believe. I believe the human lifespan is actually much longer, and I believe that we can optimize or maximize this lifespan by using all natural methods and a perfectly healthy lifestyle and making the right choices. Some weird guy on the bus the other day was talking loudly about religion and saying ‘God keeps you on the straight and narrow path.’ (I was trying to type him, and actually thought he could be IEE. He seemed likeable, but I did not talk to him directly – he was talking to the bus driver.) The straight and narrow path leads to a lifespan of 150 years or so. Maybe even longer, I don’t know. An even straigher narrower path might lead farther.

Okay, I have to get up. Grr. No internet.

Okay, I’m at work now. I can use the internet for a few seconds before I have to go in. By the way, the girl actually canceled her doctor’s appointment, but I don’t know why. I got the impression she already did before I wrote to her.

just emailed my coworker telling her not to go to the doctor

February 21, 2016

11:02 AM 2/21/2016

For some reason, I seem to have a lot of typos today. I keep catching them afterwards and I don’t even notice them when I’m writing them. Some might slip by me.

I still can’t get online at home. Internet at home is a luxury to me, when I’ve spent years living in a tent and using the wifi at restaurants, so in a way, this is no big deal, just a minor

How I use intuition (I won’t specify Ni or Ne – I don’t know which it is): I am 41 years old. I have experience with specific things happening to me, which I have survived. Not everyone has knowledge of these things. These things are possibilities, what if scenarios. They are things that could happen to anyone, but they happened to me specifically, so they matter to me. I am not concerned with thinking of every possible abstract scenario that could ever befall someone, but instead, I have knowledge and personal experience with specific strange scenarios that have happened to me.

I am aware of my blindness. There could be a million, infinity other possible strange scenarios that could happen to the 7 billion other people on earth, each one in their own specific life. I only know the ones that have happened to me, although I can pick up a small amount of information by hearing or reading other people’s anecdotes.

Here’s an example. I am aware of the fact that breast cancer exists. I can ask the hypothetical, abstract question, ‘What if somebody somewhere gets breast cancer?’ But I can’t do anything about that. I cannot devote physical or mental energy to doing something about this. I cannot devote practical, material resources to doing something about this.

Note: My own mother survived breast cancer, but the information I gained about it through her experience was knowledge about the causes of breast cancer – in her case, it was caused by taking hormone pills after menopause.

I cannot devote energy and resources to helping people with breast cancer *after they get it*. Or any cancer. That is what I see other people doing. For some reason, my brain, my psyche, isn’t wired that way. I cannot make myself, for instance, donate money to charities for cancer.

I realize that this possibility exists, ‘What if somebody somewhere gets cancer?’

I’m thinking of this partly because, right now, in our town, State College PA, there is a huge event going on called ‘Thon,’ the dance marathon that raises money for childhood cancer. I don’t talk about this much, but I actually disapprove of the whole thing, even though I’m sure it’s fun. I think that it is useless, misdirected, harmful, misleading, and deceptive to ‘donate money to cancer charities’ when the causes of cancer are already known and cancer is already preventable.

I have acquired knowledge of the causes of cancer by reading about it and by gathering anecdotes from people about it. I have knowledge of how to prevent it before it happens.

In fact, I actually have knowledge of how to prevent lots of things from happening before they happen, but I feel too weak to warn people about it. Right now, a coworker has an appointment to go to the doctor tomorrow to have her uterus, quote unquote, ‘cleaned out,’ because her baby died – and it died because her doctor gave her penicillin, because she had bronchitis, and the doctor knew she was pregnant, but did not bother looking for any *ALTERNATIVES TO PENICILLIN* to treat her bronchitis.

So her baby is dead, and on Monday, she is going to the doctor to have EVEN MORE HARM DONE TO HER BODY and somebody needs to stop her from doing it. Having an abortion, or having the uterus ‘cleaned out’ after the baby dies, is both unnecessary, and harmful. It will cause harmful consequences later on.

Just because someone is likely to SURVIVE something without outright dying doesn’t mean that it’s okay to do that thing. It will cause unnecessary, long-lasting pain and injury, and will make it harder to conceive a child in the future. It can also cause severe or life threatening injuries, although the likelihood is unpredictable. But remember, the concept of statistical probability is bullshit when you realize that it’s talking about global, group, abstract numbers.

Imagine, out of 1,000 people, there is a likelihood that one person will be abducted by aliens, and so, you don’t need to worry about it because it only happens to one person in 1,000. But then, it happens to YOU, and suddenly, now it matters! Oops! When something actually happens to YOU, it no longer matters that it only has a statistical, abstract, global, group probability of happening to one person out of a thousand.

I live with a feeling of weakness, that I know these things, but that I expect no one will listen to me. I think that’s because I’m using experience-based intuition, which is a weak, low-dimensional function for me. I’ve gathered valuable information that serves the purposes of my base functions and creative functions, but it’s not easy to strongly assert to somebody, ‘Hey! CANCEL THAT FUCKING DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW!’

I didn’t know she was going to take penicillin for her bronchitis. Then, she did, and by then, it was too late – her baby died very quickly after she started taking the penicillin. I could have warned her, ‘Just don’t go to the doctor AT ALL, for ANYTHING, while you are pregnant, and this is the most effective way to increase the baby’s chances of survival and optimal health. Don’t give birth in a hospital, and don’t go anywhere near any doctors or hospitals for at least the first few years of the baby’s life, and it is then most likely to live a long, healthy life free of illnesses both physical and psychological.’

I could have told her, ‘Stay away from the doctor! Don’t treat your bronchitis! If you must go to the doctor, go to an alternative medicine practitioner and try to find something herbal. Even though herbs are dangerous too (*I know from personal experience*), they tend to be less dangerous than whatever a hospital will give you.’

I myself don’t know about all the alternative medical treatments that will be safe and effective. I do know from personal experience that herbs are toxic and that you cannot just assume all herbs are safe merely because they are natural. They really are dangerous and can be deadly, and they probably can kill a baby too.

Now I want to tell her (and ‘they’ have been urging me to tell her) to stay away from the doctor, don’t get the D & C or whatever the hell they are going to do to ‘clean out her uterus’ after the baby died. Just make an alternative arrangement – PLEASE. Make an arrangement where you will let your body reabsorb whatever it wants to reabsorb, and then, you will need a day off work when the time comes for you to give birth to whatever remains inside the uterus, and you will be able to do this in the privacy of your home.

I can tell her all these things. But it gives me great anxiety to even think about trying to tell her this, or tell anybody.

When I woke up this morning, ‘they’ urged me to send a message to her right away, but I can’t, because I can’t get online.

Dilation and curettage, or something like that, I forget exactly what D & C stands for. I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re going to do, and she *will* regret it, and it can cause permanent infertility, because the Mainstream Murderers do not give a flying rat’s ass about preventing damage to her uterus so that she can have babies again in the future. If they really gave a flying rat’s ass about preventing damage, they’d be LOOKING FOR ALTERNATIVES TO THE PROCEDURE AND TELLING PEOPLE ALTERNATIVES EXIST!!!!!!

For example, there is an alternative called ‘WATCHFUL WAITING,’ and it’s a really complicated procedure: You just sit there, and do nothing! ‘Watchful waiting’ is one of the most effective ways to cure any illness! Watchful waiting has been mislabeled as, quote, ‘The Placebo Effect,’ which stigmatizes it and implies that you are stupid and easily fooled by the use of your imagination.

I got over my cold by means of the watchful waiting technique! I used this miraculous technique called watchful waiting, where I just sat around and did absolutely nothing, and I swear, my illness just vanished over time! Nah, you must have imagined it! Expectations! You EXPECTED your illness to just vanish if you sat around and waited a week or two, so you convinced your mind that it actually did! Teams of highly paid scientists have agreed that watchful waiting is even less effective than placebo!


My brain functions very differently when I reduce caffeine, even for a short time, even just a small reduction. My intuition increases and strengthens. I noticed an increase in intuition just because I reduced caffeine yesterday: I stopped taking the pills, because I ran out of them, although I only took about two pills a day, in the morning. I suddenly stopped yesterday. Then I had only one cup of coffee at home, and one cup at work, by some miracle. I don’t even know how I managed to have only one cup of coffee at work.

I am not trying to extremely restrict myself yet. I am in the observation stage. I am recording and documenting how much caffeine I use, and correlating and observing symptoms and effects.

I also need to quit nightshades, because they trigger caffeine cravings, and onions and garlic might also be included. Paleo dieters online have observed problems with onions and garlic, so I will keep them in mind as a possibility.

I ate salsa this morning, to get rid of it, because it’s been in the fridge for days. I don’t eat any food at home when I’m working. I wake up, take caffeine pills, lose my appetite because of all the caffeine, and go to work without any food. Then I get very hungry and beg them to give me a lunch break. Fortunately, they do. I eat McD food, then have more coffee later, usually after eating.

Eating triggers coffee cravings. It should not. The fact that it does indicates a problem. I observe what triggers cravings. Particular foods trigger cravings. Nightshade family foods contain nicotine. It does not matter how small the dosage is. The nicotine is in there. So, tomatoes contain nicotine, going under the secret name of ‘tomatine.’ No joke! I could be wrong – I need to look that up and I can’t go online, but I’m pretty sure that tomatine is actually the same thing as nicotine.

Eating food triggers coffee cravings, and, as I said, it should not. If you experience any craving at all after eating a meal, that indicates that there is a problem with your food. Food itself triggers cravings for more food, and that means you are eating some kind of harmful food and you need to identify what it is. For example, millet. I ate millet and then felt hungrier afterwards, and broke a tooth during the week or two that I was eating millet, along with suffering excruciating, incapacitating fatigue, caused by the goitrogens in millet. I was eating soft, cooked millet, nothing hard or crunchy, and a tooth broke apart because the millet was actively destroying the bones in my body with its antinutrients.

This is the kind of thing you have to troubleshoot. I started feeling pain all over my body shortly after eating the salsa, and I
desperately wanted coffee to stop the pain. So I drank more coffee. I still don’t have energy, so I took a ginseng pill. All of the problems, all of the triggers, all of the toxic and harmful
substances, including natural substances in plants and meats, interconnect with each other and worsen each other. So you have to do an elimination diet that gets rid of a whole bunch of things, if you want to succeed. If you want to succeed in quitting caffeine, you have to also quit the foods that trigger caffeine cravings. If you want to survive the horrifying constipation that results from quitting coffee, then you have to stop eating all sources of mineral iron supplements, including all manufactured breads and pasta that you buy in the grocery store, unless you read the ingredients and see that it does not contain any added mineral iron. It doesn’t matter how small the dosage is. It will say something really small, like 2% of the RDA of iron, but that doesn’t matter – ANY DOSAGE of mineral iron is toxic and will cause severe constipation.

I was reminded of this, even though I already knew it, during a time when I was eating donated food at the church and food from the food bank. The cheapest food is also the most toxic, most heavily poisoned, least nutritious food, and so, voila! Tons and tons and tons and tons of excess bread and pasta was donated for the poor and homeless people to the churches and the food bank. I ate bread, even though I never, never eat bread unless it’s unavoidable – I eat it in the sandwiches at McD – but I don’t want to – I ate bread when I was eating donated food, and instantly became constipated.

Not because of gluten, not because of wheat, not because of GMOs, not because of factory farms (all of which are bad for other reasons), but merely because all of the donated bread contains supplemental mineral iron, at the tinest possible percentages of the RDA, just a mere 1% or 2%, but one of them, I think, contained 10% because it was a weird bread directed at vegetarians – it was an alternative grain bread, quinoa, for people who are seeking plant protein because they are vegan, and so it contained added mineral iron, which is probably worse than no iron at all, for all the vegans who don’t get any iron in their diets. That particular bread caused horrific constipation for me.

I was reading anecdotes of caffeine quitters, on a web page that I want to access again, but I can’t get online right now. They talked about the horrible constipation that happens when you suddenly stop using caffeine to force your digestive system to move at maximum speed.

One old lady said she was 70 years old, and she had *ONE CUP OF COFFEE A DAY*. She quit the coffee and had horrible withdrawal symptoms and thought she was going insane and losing her mind, until she had the idea (and was probably urged to do this by the voices in her head, but she can’t talk about that) to do a google search for ‘caffeine withdrawal.’ One cup! Everyone says that a mere one cup of coffee isn’t harming you! She had HORRIBLE WITHDRAWAL after quitting ONE CUP A DAY!

Zero cups a day is the maximum number of cups allowed. Zero, and no greater than zero. Absolute zero. Caffeine is the tool of slavery.

I am thinking about slavery and land ownership because the extremely high prices of land and rent are the reason why we must slave away at such high speed and such high productivity to produce such enormous and ever-increasing revenues, while keeping nothing at all for ourselves except just enough to pay our own rent and buy our own food. Outright slavery.

Just because we get to *pretend* we’re shopping at a store and buying our own food, just because we get to *pretend* that we are choosing which particular house we’re living in, doesn’t mean that we are not slaves. We have no real substantial choices, just trivial choices. We can choose our favorite flavor of toothpaste, but nothing more substantial than that. We can choose our favorite flavor of soda. We can choose the particular location of our house, but we cannot choose to live in a house made out of alternative building materials that are nontoxic and locally available from our local ecosystem.

Caffeine is the tool of slavery. Without caffeine, our minds change. Without caffeine, we begin to understand the big picture and ask questions that society cannot answer. Without caffeine, we begin to think for ourselves. Without caffeine, we sleep instead of slaving. We sleep instead of obsessing. We begin to eat more real food, although the anecdotes on the web page talked about being sick and nauseated after quitting caffeine, some of them even vomiting – you have to troubleshoot all the causes of digestive problems to greatly minimize this.

I just found out yesterday that a particular coworker, who is fat, has been taking antidepressants for the past sixteen years. Problem solved! Now I know why she’s fat. I never blamed her for being fat and I never made fun of her for it or complained about it, because I already have knowledge of the causes of obesity and the extreme and horrible difficulty of getting rid of it. It is unreasonable to demand that people get rid of obesity as a goal of itself. If your fatness reduces as a result of changing your diet, so be it, but it might not, and if you change to a healthy diet, but you remain obese, then the next thing to do is practice fat acceptance, which is what I do.

But other people make fun of her for being fat, behind her back. They talk about her and they joke about what a huge butt she has. Another guy was joking with her the other day (and I love this guy, and I don’t want everyone to think that he’s a bad person, he’s just ignorant of the causes of obesity). She was standing on a chair to get something out of a high cabinet, and he said, ‘I can hear that chair screaming’ (because she’s fat and the chair is supporting her weight). She just kind of said something like, ‘Ha ha,’ in response.

Again, I don’t want to blame that guy for saying what he said either, and I really love him too, but I am saying, it is normal for everyone to be totally ignorant of the causes of obesity, totally ignorant of how hard or impossible it is to get rid of obesity, totally ignorant of how hard it is to quit antidepressants – it can be life threatening or fatal to stop taking antidepressants. You can kill yourself or others, violently, or you can simply drop dead from drug withdrawal effects.

By the way, the guy who said it is an SEE, and the lady who is fat and on antidepressants is an ESE. This is a quasi-identical socionic relation. They love each other, but because of their different ways of expressing love, they can’t really say it to each other the way that they want to. That is how I usually feel about my
quasi-identicals. I do feel genuine affection for them. I can feel that they are triggering my socionic vital ring, the same general part of the psyche that your duals also trigger, the place where warm love and affection comes from, a different kind of nonverbal love than the love you feel for people who are triggering your mental/verbal ring – you feel love for them too but it’s a different sensation.

I feel this love for quasi-identicals, but there are so many barriers to expressing the love that it never really gets said. We have totally different ways of expressing love, and only their duals and activators can do it the best, and mirrors – everyone in the quadra, but duals best of all. Yes, people in opposite quadras love each other in a way, it’s just so hard to say it to them or show it to them in a way that they can accept.

I have to start getting ready for work, even though I’d rather sit here writing for a long time.

I am still simply observing caffeine use, and observing the effects of brief, temporary reductions, followed by continued use again. I notice major brain changes from merely reducing my caffeine intake for a single day.

But, that is why I’m thinking about the evil of our land ownership system, the land management system, whatever you want to call it, and the desperate need for alternative systems. The alternative system must not force people to slave away for their entire lives paying for their homes. We need to spend our free time as adults studying, learning, teaching, raising children, doing projects. Studying shouldn’t end after college. They give you just enough college to make you an educated slave, but then you suddenly stop learning forever and ever until you die, because all you can do is slave away every day for eternity and never have any free time. I would have wanted to spend the last 20 years continuously learning, reading books, gaining new skills. I could not, because of slavery.

I do not call it ‘work’ anymore. It is outright slavery and that is its only purpose. We have only a pretense of grocery shopping, house-choosing and apartment-choosing, and other trivial choices. Do you want to slave in this particular location, or slave in that particular location? Do you want to eat this food while slaving, or that food while slaving? Every activity that seems like a free choice is always done ‘while slaving.’ The slavery is always a constant activity going on in the background, framing our entire lives. What kind of bed do you want to sleep in, so that you can be better refreshed and do a better slave job tomorrow morning? You must be more productive as a slave, so we shall provide you with more comfortable beds to enable you to be a better slave! Everything, everywhere, at all times, is directed towards the end of productive slavery. Nothing is exempt. You want healthy food? Fine, we’ll give you healthy food. If you can improve your health, you’ll become a more productive slave. You’re allowed to choose healthy food if you want it. We’re not forbidding you to choose healthy food. As long as you remain a slave, you can eat all the healthy food you want.

I do have to get ready for work now. I need to take a shower. Usually I’m showering without any soap or shampoo, just rinsing off. I take an actual shampoo shower only once every few days. I don’t like to go out with wet hair when it’s freezing cold and I have to ride my bike five miles or however much it is. It’s like a 40 or 45 minute bike ride, even with a motor. It’s a weak motor. So I usually keep my hair dry in the shower.

Will I even be able to tell that girl to cancel her doctor’s appointment? Will I even be able to say the words, so that she will remember them, and then say afterwards, ‘Nicole was right! I should trust what Nicole says from now on.’ Nicole was right! Nicole told me not to go to the doctor to have my uterus cleaned out after the other doctor killed my baby by giving me penicillin! I still can’t believe her baby is dead. I was all expecting it. I was looking forward to it. She’s my dual! She’s an IEE and her boyfriend is a SLI.

thinking of quitting caffeine again; fully integrating the idea of anti-landownership, and looking for alternative systems of land management that don’t involve buying and selling

February 20, 2016

11:41 AM 2/20/2016

I used up the last of my caffeine pills yesterday morning. Now I’m trying to get up using Cafe Bustelo instant coffee. The internet isn’t working at home right now and I don’t know if Mike is going to fix it. He’s here right now but I’m not really dressed and ready enough to go talk to him.

I can barely move. I was reading about caffeine withdrawal yesterday. I really want to do it again.

I’m working five days in a row, which is way too much for me.

I have to take a shower and pack my bag so I’m ready to go to work.

I’m keeping track of how much caffeine I am using. I’m just writing it down, without trying to reduce it. The only reduction I’ve done is suddenly running out of caffeine pills and switching to normal sources of caffeine in the morning. This instant cafe bustelo stuff is just making me sleepier.

I’ve never been able to withdraw gradually, because the caffeine that I drink is random and I don’t keep track of it. I have no way of knowing if I am gradually reducing my dosage or not. I just grab a cup of coffee when I am starting to die at work. I would have to do something like water it down halfway, and keep track of that. But for now, I am just going to write down how much I use when I use it spontaneously, maybe for a week or so, and without pills. I just won’t buy any more pills.

To me it seems like withdrawing gradually just means you will prolong the suffering even longer. It will be weeks or months of constant suffering instead of just a week. However, I can’t just withdraw cold turkey right now, or I will lose my job.

The j button has a crumb under it. There are lots of crumbs under my keyboard and I can’t do the project of cleaning it out right now. I’m too tired to do ANYTHING. I can barely even drag myself to work.

But it’s time – 11:51 – I have to get up and take a shower. I’ll slowly start getting ready.

3:46 PM 2/20/2016

I’m at work. I’ll get used to going without caffeine pills. It’s just inconvenient to make coffee unless I have all the supplies for it in my bedroom. I do have a container of decaf in my bedroom, but I’m avoiding decaf at the moment, because it does something bad to my brain. It causes me to become stupid and to perform badly at work, and I have memory loss. I do not know exactly which chemical does this, but decaffeinated coffee is full of toxic chemicals from the decaffeination process. I’m not going to go on a search for the least toxic types of decaffeinated coffee. I’m just going to use regular coffee and thin it down.

I don’t have a lot of time to write during my lunch break, but I feel like writing. Oh, I remembered what I wanted to say.

I’ve been thinking a lot about land ownership and about how the government is the default owner of land, and how people say that anti-landownership anarchists (like myself) are merely dumb idealists who don’t understand how the world really works. I really want to talk about that, but I don’t have time.

I know that if I restricted which people were allowed to live in my country, I would be able to pick people who were capable of behaving like decent human beings and respecting other people’s land. Imagine that if somebody died or moved out of a house, it would never be sold or paid for again, by anybody. We would just stop the practice of paying for land and houses, then and there. Nobody would own it, not even the government, not the banks, not the evil !#@$%#@$#^ thieves who enslave every living creature on the planet. Nobody would own it.

You would walk around and ask people if any houses were abandoned, and then you would simply move in. You could make a web page that listed them and that crossed them off when they were taken. There is nothing wrong with this idea, nothing impossible about it.

I believe there is absolutely no reason to buy and sell houses and land. Every ‘reason’ that we believe in is merely brainwashing that has been planted in our heads, and it’s ‘unthinkable’ to imagine life being any other way but this. I’m saying, alternative systems exist, and they are totally feasible and possible, not merely idealistic, foolish, naive, contemptible dreams made up by unrealistic people who don’t know how the world works.

I am developing this concept in my head more strongly. Soon, I want to be capable of having an argument online with a pro-landownership troll, a hardcore believer, and I want to attack all of their beliefs and assumptions. Or, maybe not. That’s useless. All I need is to be able to choose who lives in my country, and who does not. Evil trolls and murdering morons will not be allowed to live in my country.

The entire system of landownership is nothing but slavery, 100% slavery, it is absolutely NOTHING ELSE BUT THAT. There is absolutely no legitimate reason for this system to exist. It is absolute evil. I am gradually starting to learn and accept this idea, to integrate it, to understand it, to become capable of seeing the alternatives and really understanding that those alternatives are real and there is no reason not to do them.

I should post this – my break is almost over. I don’t have time. I sort of want to argue about it with a troll so that I can identify the beliefs and assumptions behind it, but I simultaneously feel that this activity would be pointless, and all that I need to do is prove that my system works, by doing it in reality. It doesn’t matter if the trolls don’t believe in it; if I make it happen in reality it will be proven to be real and the trolls can deny its existence all they want. So, I need to design the system and ask questions about what kinds of things can go wrong and what the system needs to be prepared to handle, the alternative land management system.

No trolls are covering the topic of ‘Salicylate in vegetables causes hyperactivity.’

February 16, 2016

You can do a google search for ‘salicylate in vegetables causes hyperactivity,’ and instantly get the truth in the top few google search results. Why? Because natural salicylate in vegetables is a naturally occurring substance that corporations and governments cannot be blamed for. Only chemicals produced in a factory require a team of hired internet trolls to fill the internet with spam to prevent people from finding the truth.

If, on the other hand, you did a google search for ‘artificial food colorings cause hyperactivity….’ let’s see what kind of spam and filth you get in the top few results. I haven’t done the search yet, but I’m predicting that the top few results will be nothing but spam, filth, and fecal material produced by paid trolls whose purpose is to protect corporations from being blamed for causing hyperactivity by feeding poison to the population.

Okay! First two results were all right, but the third result came from SpamMD and it was filth. “To date, no conclusive evidence has been found to show that food coloring causes ADHD.”

In the salicylate search, the filth results were farther down. There were one or two pieces of fecal material claiming that salicylates and diet have no connection to hyperactivity there, but they weren’t loudly screaming it from the top three results and spending millions of dollars and using search engine optimization to guarantee that the troll results would be the highest up in the list.

It’s because nobody is going to be blamed for the natural salicylates that occur in vegetables. Nature did it? Who cares. They’re not gonna sue Monsanto over natural salicylate in their tomatoes, are they? Why, of course they should! Isn’t Monsanto the company that makes genetically modified organisms? Monsanto is responsible for the continuing presence of salicylate in our vegetables due to *willful neglect*! They failed to provide us with a GMO tomato that contains no salicylates. I’m suing them now.

working on the bike today; I still need a Food Production Facility in my house, and I need coolers with clear windows on the front like at McD

February 15, 2016

I have to do my projects quickly on my very few days off now. I’m scheduled to go in on Wednesday, although I don’t know what time yet.

Today I need to fix a couple of things on my bike. I have the bike indoors now, with the snow melting off the tires, on a piece of cardboard with some of my clothes under the tires to catch the dripping water because I don’t have any dirty towels that I can sacrifice for that.

I need to replace the gear shifts. The gear shift on the right had the little cheapo plastic thing inside it break. This always happens with gear shifts that are garbage from the beginning. The piece inside it that takes the most physical stress also happens to be made of the flimsiest plastic known to mankind. It’s the ‘clicker,’ the thing that goes click when you shift gears, and keeps it in place.

Now you can still turn the gear shift, but it will gradually slide back into some other gear, unless you hold it with your hand while riding the bike. I can’t hold it with my hand easily now that I am 1. also holding the throttle of the engine with my right hand, and 2. wearing big thick Moon Gloves that I made myself for this single-digit weather. So now I have to stand up on the pedals, without shifting, to go up steep hills, and I know from experience that standing up on the bike pedals causes me to become extremely exhausted.

The left gear shift is broken too. That’s the one that has only three gears, and switches the gears that are on the pedals themselves. It wouldn’t go up to third gear. The cable is extremely loose, so loose that it does absolutely nothing. So I could only pedal so fast on my bike because I couldn’t go into high gear. Now that I have an engine, I need to pedal really fast because I spend a lot of time at maximum speed. If I can pedal at all, it saves energy and prevents me from using up all of the battery so quickly. I need to get into the highest gear and then pedal along with the engine.

Also, in addition to simply not shifting into the highest gear, and being extremely hard to even shift into *second* gear, the gear shift housing is shattered, although it still functions. It got shattered because one day, Eric drove the truck to work, and drove me home when it was very snowy outside. We put the bike in the back of the truck. I’m the one who put it in there, and apparently I didn’t understand how to shut the back door of the truck bed thing all the way, because it wasn’t latched enough. The bike fell out of the back of the truck in the parking lot when we were (deliberately) spinning around through the deep snow. (They call it ‘drifting,’ but I’ve never heard it called that before.) Some guy was driving by and he saw this happen, and he drove up next to us, stopped us, and told us that a bike fell out of the back of the truck, which we hadn’t noticed because we were having so much fun ‘drifting.’ So we went and picked it up, and after that, I noticed the left gear shift housing was shattered. It’s crappy plastic and it was already malfunctioning anyway.

I’m replacing both gear shifts, and I’m also putting a center kickstand on, instead of a kickstand that is only on one side. My bike is heavy because of the motor and the batteries, and if it leans to the side, it quickly overwhelms the kickstand and just falls over. I have to turn the handlebars a particular way to prevent that from happening.

I have a million more things that need to be fixed, but I’m just doing these couple of simple things for practice, to get started, to learn, to grow confidence in my ability to fix my own bike without taking it to the bike shop.

And I only have two days to do this in. So I can’t withdraw from caffeine and spend several days sleeping. I have to continue using caffeine, just as though I’m continuing to work at my job. So I now have zero days of rest.

For some strange, unknown reason, I was thinking of Max the cat recently and missing him. I haven’t missed him in a while. I can usually think of him, briefly, without getting upset. But in the last couple days I was thinking of him and wishing he was still alive and regretting his death.

Max would have been a challenge to keep in the house, because he was a sprayer. He wasn’t neutered. Spraying isn’t just shooting urine out, it shoots out just a couple tiny drops of clear fluid from some glands near the base of the tail. I believe you shouldn’t own cats if you can’t accept the reality of what cats are, and what cats do, without modifying them. If you neuter a cat at an early age before the anal glands have developed, they won’t develop, and the cat will never start spraying. If you neuter the cat after the anal glands have developed, it might continue to spray, or it might not. Neutering a cat at an early age also prevents its bones from developing properly, causing hip dysplasia, hips that are malformed and cause pain and difficulty walking. Jacob has these sort of, I dunno, pigeon feet, or whatever it’s called. I’m not remembering what it’s called. His back feet point outwards somewhat, and the legs buckle inwards at the knees. He’s also obese. Neutering causes obesity as well, permanent, irreversible, severe obesity that does not respond to changes in diet.

I myself am fine with a cat that sprays, but I cannot be certain that other people are, and so I would not be comfortable keeping him in someone else’s house. Mary Jo had a stroke when he sprayed one time, but back then, I didn’t believe he was spraying, and I assured her he wasn’t, and I cleaned out the litter box, believing that’s all it was. It turned out she was right, he was spraying, the real spray, the drops of clear fluid from the anal glands.

You just have to have sort of a spray-proof house, where it doesn’t matter what happens to your furniture. I already have this attitude anyway, because I need a decontamination-proof house, where I never buy any fancy, expensive, permanent furniture that cannot be thrown away.

A strange, taboo event happened one time with Max’s spray. I saw him spray on the edge of one of Mary Jo’s chairs. This was when I was first beginning to notice that he really did spray, and I was catching him at it. I went to look at the drops of fluid that had landed on the chair, and I was going to wipe them off. When I wiped them off, I sniffed it to see what it smelled like, and it accidentally touched my nose. I had to go wash off my nose. The smell was stuck in my nose for a long time and it was unpleasant.

That month, I ovulated very strongly, much more strongly than usual. I think it was a day or two after that incident. The pheromones in the cat spray trigger ovulation in females. It would be useful for that purpose. The Depopulation Agenda does not want anyone to know that cat spray is useful for helping humans ovulate. They do not want humans to ovulate. Neutering all cats, to prevent them from spraying, also prevents humans from discovering that cat spray contains ovulation-triggering pheromones which are extremely strong. When I say I ‘ovulated strongly,’ to be specific, there was a huge amount of, quote unquote, ‘EWCM,’ as they call it in the forums, egg white cervical mucus, and I desired sex and was being friendlier towards men.

I’m not up and ready to work on the bike yet. Maybe I will take a shower first. I have to put the bike into the bike stand to hold it in place, or rather, even if I don’t absolutely have to, I will do it, just for practice.

Jesse has been intermittently calling me on the phone now. I wasn’t expecting him to. I was sort of… restrained… the first time it happened. I was kind of pulled back, emotionally withdrawn. I was very surprised and in denial that he could possibly be talking to me again.

He’s broken up with Kaelin. I didn’t want them to break up. It was an accident and it resulted from my stupidity. I was expecting him to hate me so much he would never speak to me ever again, because of that. So when he called and when he was talking to me, my attitude was kind of like, ‘Yeahhhh… who are you?’ as though a telemarketer was calling and I was waiting to see what they wanted.

But it was just Jesse, calling again, against all odds, and talking to me. And now I am impatiently wanting to go to Washington to be with him, and we explicitly spoke of it again. I know that by the time I save enough money and get the resources I need to go there, he will have either 1. gotten a new girlfriend, thereby making it pointless for me to go, or 2. he will be stationed elsewhere, thereby making it pointless for me to go, except for my own enjoyment of traveling.

This is one of the reasons why I have chosen to work a few more hours, although the amount of money I earn, in reality, won’t be worth the extra time and energy I spend working, won’t be worth the total lack of days off and the lack of caffeine withdrawal days – I will earn only a few more pennies, yet waste and destroy a whole lot more time, and will be more likely to eat junk food while just leaving all my groceries sitting in the freezer and fridge forever, and will abandon all my projects, abandon my bike projects, abandon learning how to sew, abandon my need to have a Food Handling and Production Zone, an area specializing in nothing but food, so that it will be easy and ergonomic for me to always prepare all meals at home, in advance, and even pack a lunch to bring to work with me so that I will always eat homemade food while I’m at work, too, so I can control my diet, avoid McD food, stop nightshades, stop caffeine, avoid chemicals, and so on.

I haven’t built myself a Food Handling Zone in this house yet. I am still using the shared area. Unfortunately, the house builders did not understand that people need to wash their large pots and pans in an industrial-sized sink that is deep enough to actually fit the pans in, and so, I hate using the sink. I don’t even have a dish drainer, and they’ve gotten used to not having one, but I prefer to use one. Also, it is not common to install an industrial cooler and an industrial freezer in a residential home. I want coolers and freezers like the ones at McD. They have shelves that can be moved into different positions, so you don’t get stuck with an idiotically stupid bad design of a fridge that wastes space and won’t let you put enough in there. My mom and dad discovered this years ago when they got rid of their old fridge and bought a new one. The new one was so horribly designed and so idiotic in its use of space that they could barely fit anywhere near as much food and stuff in there as they did in the previous fridge. That doesn’t happen if you have a simple, basic design with absolutely no frills and no features of any kind, just plain, simple shelves that can be moved into different positions up and down on a rack thing on the wall of the fridge, and glass doors you can see through.

People don’t want see through glass doors on fridges because, perhaps, light will cause the spoiling of food.

However, the opposite is true. Sunlight converts previtamins into Vitamin D in foods that do not normally contain Vitamin D, thereby enriching all of your food with vitamin D without the need to buy supplements made in a factory. They knew about this decades ago when Vitamin D was first discovered. Irradiation causes the formation of vitamin D in things like eggs, milk, and butter. You don’t have to add it at a factory. Just put it into clear containers and let the sun shine into it.

I was skeptical and surprised when I read about this, but now, I am cynical and I understand. OF COURSE the factories don’t want us to know we can make our own vitamin D in food at home! They want to make it for us and sell it to us as a supplement.

I thought that vitamin D could only be created inside a living organism, using metabolic processes. But apparently, it is a simple, passive process that can occur in dead food, in nonliving substances.

They make synthetic vitamin D by irradiating sheep wool oil. What is that stuff called? Lanolin, I think. I think that’s what they do. But it also happens in vegetable oil. Just take your ordinary vegetable oil and put it in the sunlight and it will develop vitamin D on its own.

I’d have to search through all my notes and do google searches to find the names of the scientists who were researching this. It was, like, back in the 1930s or something. Basically, they discovered it’s perfectly easy to make fortified foods by simply shining the sun on them, but then, of course, the factory owners decided that nobody should ever know about this and should never do it, so that the factories could make vitamin D using secret methods and sell it to everyone for a profit.

Sun-dried foods will contain vitamin D. I do not know what are the prerequisites, whether it requires the food to contain fats and oils, whether it must be a food that would normally contain vitamin D, or whether it can even happen with plant foods. I don’t know. I do know for sure that I read about this, that it was real scientific research, that it was done a long time ago before factories were producing and selling vitamin D supplements for profit, and that it’s absolutely unknown today. I’ve blogged about it several times before, and so it might even be found by google searching in this blog. I would have named the names of the scientists involved.

I just increased my work schedule

February 12, 2016

I honestly don’t want to. I am kicking and screaming. Writing the note to change my availability felt like writing a suicide note. I sincerely feel that I am harming myself by working more hours. Right now, I’m working only three days a week.

I’m going to try to get more money, but working more hours is counterproductive. Right now, at home, I am able to *somewhat* cook most of my own meals from scratch. I make a bunch of stuff and eat leftovers. I’m still eating the big batch of rice I made several weeks ago, which I packaged into small containers and stuck in the freezer.

My diet is not perfect, and the other day I ordered a pizza, but overall, I am eating a larger amount of food at home, although I don’t always have all the stuff I want because I don’t get to go shopping enough – right now, I’m out of dark green leafy vegetables, and the only thing I have left is the butter lettuce. I have a few things left over in small quantities in the freezer but not anything leafy. I have to go shopping.

So then, when I work more hours, I start buying ready-made food because I am too tired to cook and don’t have enough time. That costs more, so it wastes the extra money I’m earning.

I’m forgetting to do my taxes, but I guess I will get some
pathetically small tax refund.

I also won’t be able to do any more projects. Goodbye projects! Goodbye sewing! Goodbye repairing my own bicycle on the bike stand that I just bought for that purpose! Hello not having enough time to do even the simplest tasks except go to work, then go home and sleep!

I guess I will see if I am able to make progress in any way at all. If I can save up a small amount of money, that is progress, but I was *seriously* hoping that I would be able to DO PROJECTS! LEARN THINGS! Not just work as a slave.


February 9, 2016

I got out my serger today. I have a feeling it’s called ‘serging,’ but it amuses me to call it ‘sergering.’ Or, just sewing. I was sewing.

I did not sew anything real yet. I was just practicing and
troubleshooting problems. I didn’t try to adjust the stitches or anything yet, and I’m not going to be picky about that yet. I just had to make sure it was threaded properly, and I had to untangle a huge wad that got stuck in the mechanism. The machine makes thousands of stitches per minute, so if anything goes wrong, it wads thousands of loops of thread into the wrong place very quickly, and it will jam. This seems to be what I did. I started using it without the presser foot down, because I just forgot to put it down. Things went the wrong direction, tangled, and wadded up very badly, and then it jammed.

So I spent quite a few minutes gently picking and cutting out the wadded threads and fabric. It takes very good eyesight and very fine hand eye coordination. They provide a pair of tweezers with the machine. Fortunately, I am lucky – my eyesight might not be 100% perfect, but it is good enough to do this. I’ve never needed glasses. I’m able to see the holes in the needles and everything else I need to see, as long as I shine the flashlight on them.

So I know not to do that again. I learned very quickly the hard way that you absolutely do not want to get the fabric and thread wadded and jammed in the mechanisms.

Now, I need to take measurements of my body, and design my own dress. I do not have a dress pattern. The last time I bought a pattern, it came on this thin, almost translucent brown paper, a special kind of paper. After I touched and handled that paper, I had pain and arthritis in my hands. I believe it contains a toxic chemical, maybe dioxin, maybe something else. It has a funny smell. I don’t want to touch clothing patterns again.

So I will make my own patterns. That means that my first dresses won’t fit very well, because I won’t be able to predict all the places where the fabric will squeeze whenever I move. I have to be able to get it on and off, and I have to be able to bend and stretch while wearing it. I don’t have any buttons or zippers yet, and I was picturing just making an extremely simple dress that would just go over my head, and not have any clasps or openings or fasteners. So it would have to be wide enough to get over my shoulders all the way down, and also over my hips, the two widest parts of my body.

I am going to be not picky in the beginning, and it is going to be low quality work. I’m not going to try very hard to make it perfect. I just want to make something that I am able to put on, and then test it to see what happens when I move around into various positions, so that I know I need more room in some areas to allow for movement.

After I’ve tried that, I might look again at patterns just to see if they have any suggestions for how I might fix problems that I’ve seen. Then I’ll understand why they do things the way they do. I don’t like to just follow the pattern without understanding why it is the way it is.

This is similar to how I cook. I don’t follow a recipe. I do have some principles, some ideas of what types of things need to go into a meal, but as long as I simply include things from all the desired categories, just about anything can go together. I try to include some kind of meat, some vegetables, and some fat (for instance), and mix it up in a frying pan. After cooking that, I might add some raw foods to the plate, like fruits, or lettuce, or whatever (I have butter lettuce right now, which isn’t a worthless type of lettuce – it actually contains vitamin K). So I do have general ideas of what should go into a mix, but I add them in random amounts because it doesn’t really matter, and it’s different every time.

With my sewing, I will start to learn the basics, the essentials, the things I absolutely have to have in order for my clothing to simply function and be wearable at all. After that, I’ll be able to just do random things.

I’m taking a break right now. But the next step is, I need to take a whole bunch of measurements of my body, in all different directions – not merely the breast-waist-hip measurements, but also the distance around my neck, the distance around my shoulders, the distance from my neck to my waist, the circumference of my arms, and all that.

I’ll just watch a movie or something for a while, and I won’t do any more sewing tonight – it’s getting late and people will be going to bed.

insight: the immortal group lives beyond the lifespans of its members, and the government owns all land by default when individuals die

February 9, 2016

I’m trying to explain an insight that I am feeling. Why can’t you purchase land on behalf of an entire social class, so that it doesn’t have to be bought and sold over and over again every time an individual dies?

6:10 AM 2/9/2016

I have had exposure to secondhand smoke, which is still on me and my clothing, so I am thinking differently.

I just realized something this morning, but it’s hard to explain.

you buy a house
you die
someone else must buy the house again

why can’t the house just have been bought once and for all? why can’t it only be bought one time and that’s it? for all people thereafter?

buy a house on behalf of an entire social class. the house is now owned by ‘the working class’ or something.

meanwhile, banks get it for free when you die. lenders and banks and sheriffs. the government gets it for free, over and over, when an individual dies.

‘the government’ or ‘the banks’ are an entire social class getting the house for free, repeatedly, for the rest of eternity, for infinity, every time any individual dies, leaving their house.

not only when they die, but when they foreclose as well, or lose the house for any other reason.


listen. an entire social class will receive your house when you die: the government and the banks and the lenders.

however, *YOU* are not allowed to purchase your house on behalf of an entire social class! you’re not allowed to declare, ‘fine! i’m buying this house on behalf of all the working people!’ you’re not allowed to say, ‘i’m buying this house on behalf of all black people, and all black people will henceforth own this home!’

why, then, can ‘the government’ and ‘the banks,’ as an abstract entity, staffed with ever-changing individuals, and corporations, another abstract entity, an abstract group of people staffed with ever-changing individuals, but the group’s name remains the same, the group’s title remains the same – why are *they* allowed to eternally get your house for free every time you, as an individual, die?

it’s anti-individual

it’s pro-group

an abstract group, an abstract entity of anonymous, ever-changing people has the right to own your home. even when the specific members of the government, or the banking system, or the corporations, die, that *group* will still exist, in name, that entity.

that entity owns your home. forever.

no matter how many times you die, that entity will always get your home.

why can’t i *decide* which entity should own my home, and my land, forever? why can’t i decide that I don’t want the government to be the permanent owner of my home, or the corporations, or the banks, or the lenders, or the realtors, but rather, i want “all black people” to own my home for eternity, or “all the working class?” or something. any desired social group at all, as an abstract entity with
ever-changing specific individuals staffing it.

why can’t i choose which abstract group of people owns my home for eternity?

if it has to be government, why can’t i bequeath my house for eternity to, say, the government of south dakota instead of the government of pennsylvania?

ah – they have to actually reside on that physical land somewhere nearby?

but ‘the working class’ resides nearby! the ‘Black People of Pennsylvania’ reside nearby! the ‘women of Pennsylvania’ reside nearby! the ‘I Made Up This Corporation Just As An Example’ corporation resides here in Pennsylvania and lives on the land! why can’t i permanently declare that, from now until eternity, MyCorp will own my home every time i die?

oh – FAMILIES are allowed to keep owning homes! i see! they don’t have to re-buy the home every time the grandfather and grandmother die???

why is that? why is ‘family’ different from ‘MyCorp?’ why is ‘family’ different from the government? why is family different from the bankers, lenders, realtors?

so, it’s okay for a grandmother to give the house to the
grandchildren, so that they don’t have to re-buy the home and spend millions of dollars on it. and it’s okay for the banks and the lenders and the government to get the home every time you foreclose and fail to pay for it, and every time someone dies without giving it to their grandchildren, or they have no grandchildren, or the grandchildren don’t want that house. the government gets it by default. why is that okay?

why not some other default? why can’t we change the default setting? why can’t we change the default to ‘any and all black people shall own this house for eternity, no matter who lives in this house, no matter who dies without passing the home to their descendants, no matter who forecloses on it and fails to pay?

the default owner should be changeable.

and when you see who is the default owner, you understand why it is evil.

the default owner is this infinite group of people whose specific members are always changing. they have no lifespan. their lifespan is forever. they cannot die. you can’t sit around waiting and hoping that they will die. they never, ever, ever will pass from this earth.

they have immortality.

immortality is a threat. people are scared of immortality. people hear about immortality, and their first thought is, ‘immortality for individuals.’ they imagine themselves living, as an individual with specific memories and specific life experiences, living forever.

but immortality already exists.

immortality exists in groups. immortality exists in government. immortality exists in the banking system as such, although sometimes specific banking groups disappear. but if they do, some other bank will do the job. all banks will do the job. any bank will do the job.

they write down their group’s history, and they read that history and learn it, teaching themselves the memories, even though their own specific memories don’t go back that far.

what group do you belong to? does your group have memories? do they teach those memories to you?

i ignored history class, and i don’t want to be part of my default group. i don’t identify with my default group.

i do know the memories, some of them, but not a lot of them.

there is not just one default group. there are millions of these groups. there are infinity of these groups. groups that have immortal lives beyond the lifespans of their members.

religious groups, governments, corporations are examples. also families. any group of people who lives beyond the lifespans of individual members and passes down their memories because the individuals weren’t there to remember them.

groups are able to own property. the government, banks, lenders are the default groups that always own property when all else fails.

i’m fleshing out this concept, this realization, but haven’t moved to the next realization yet, the insight, the ‘what needs to be done about this?’ step.

a new default group needs to be made, and it needs to own everything by default when its members die. it needs to live forever beyond the lifespans of its members. it needs to teach its members their history because they weren’t there to remember it.

Drinking tea causes: pimple outbreaks, extreme tooth plaque, tooth pain, tonsil stones, constipation

February 7, 2016

The title says it all, or most of it. I never drink tea, but I bought some this week and have been drinking it daily for the last couple days.

I never get pimples. Suddenly, I have a pimple now. I never get constipated. Suddenly, I am constipated. I brushed my teeth and huge wads of plaque got into the toothbrush. My teeth hurt. I don’t have tonsil stones yet, but they are similar to the tooth plaque, the same kind of stuff, and I’ve observed tonsil stones happening from drinking tea in the past – it just hasn’t happened yet during this particular bout of tea drinking.

Tea is not good for you. It contains caffeine and is extremely addictive. For me, it’s even more addictive than coffee. There is something about tea that fails to satisfy your craving, and triggers an intense and ever-increasing craving for more tea in very large volumes. People buy huge cups of sweet tea at McDonald’s every day and drink several of them. When I drink tea, I find myself wanting more tea only a very short time later, like, I dunno, within the hour after I drank it. I could try to drink water or some other beverage, but what I want is more tea.

I have read or heard stories about people drinking 20 or 30 cups of tea a day. It is so addictive, so craving-inducing, that you will just drink cup after cup after cup, constantly.

Like all forms of caffeine, it causes personality changes and brain changes, although the particular ‘style’ of changes varies with the caffeine source, and the ‘tea brain’ is a particular style of brain. The guy who wrote the books about time management, what was it called? Mark Forster, who wrote about that time management system that I can’t remember the name of. ‘Autofocus’ was one of them. He wrote that he drank like 30 cups of tea a day or some ridiculous number.

It causes you to become unable to motivate yourself to make choices about doing the simplest tasks and chores, so you become obsessive instead, and in Mark Forster’s case, it caused him to obsess about time management, thereby resulting in books that are profitable for him – but is it really good for him, even though he profits from the books? Is it good to be concerned about how you motivate yourself to do all the slightest little tasks, when you ought to be able to do them impulsively, spontaneously, naturally, without pain and anxiety, without worrying about how you’ve spent your time, without worrying that you wasted too much time on X and not enough time on Y?

Without caffeine, and without tea, those tasks happen naturally, without effort and without pain and anxiety.

I need several free months to quit caffeine without having to worry about time pressure and time anxiety and without having to work at a job.

it’s that time again. My instincts are taking over.

February 6, 2016

I am about to ovulate, even though I took a test this morning and it was still negative. I need to get more tests – they’re almost gone. But God help me, I am ovulating. I told Eric that I always got scared, automatically, every time I saw him wearing his ski mask (he was unloading stuff in the freezer), and he said something to the effect that maybe he was going to mug me. I said I didn’t have anything valuable and my credit card didn’t have much on it. But then, I had to think about that for a while.

I have been living with three men since the beginning of January, but have not crossed any major lines yet. I am still just appreciating their company and their knowledge and their encouragement.

This chicken that I’m eating is really horrible, but I am not quite sure why. There is something about the texture. I got one of the McWraps. I think my wrap wasn’t steamed enough, or maybe it had time to dry out because I messed up my order and took several minutes to fix it while they waited. The wrap itself feels sort of doughy, like it wasn’t steamed at all, almost. And the crispy chicken must have been slightly less fresh, although it’s not completely dried out, just…. not quite optimal.

I want to open up the serger box and get it out and set it up, although I don’t have a lot of thread for it yet. It comes
pre-threaded, just to help you get started, because threading the machine is very complicated. I don’t have a place to put the machine, so I can imagine myself, like, sitting on the couch downstairs with it on my lap, maybe on a cardboard box. And it would be in the middle of the night (because I get out of work at 10:00), and that thing is EXTREMELY LOUD. It’s louder than a normal sewing machine. So I would wake everyone up.

But still I just can’t wait to open up the box and start using it. Maybe I could go out in the shed in the backyard. I don’t know if there’s a plug outlet there.

I’m ovulating. I know I am or I soon will be. Maybe the little test strip didn’t register an LH surge, but I have seen other signs of ovulation.

I feel that something bad would happen if I did anything with any of the men I live with. I don’t really know why. It isn’t just because Jesse still exists and I still care about him. Even if he were totally disconnected from me, I would still feel that there was something risky.

It would cause an imbalance in the relationships between me and the other men, if I chose any particular one over the others. It is not easy to be with several people at once, and give them all equal attention. I am already causing an imbalance with Jason because I’ve been spending a lot more time with Eric, talking to him, working on the bicycle, and not seeing Jason very often at all, especially since he quit working at this store.

I already know about this from back when I had four stray cats at the other house of the other Eric in the past (hi Eric!) who does occasionally still read my blog. You have to pet the cats equally or they get jealous. They act hurt, and they sulk and avoid you and turn away from you, and you have to chase them down and make a point of petting them deliberately.

My break’s almost over. It’s very frustrating that I must stop myself from doing things that my instincts are telling me to do.

four minutes to explain why I want a Serger

February 5, 2016

My space bar is sticking. It has a crumb under it. There may be typos. I’m in a hurry.

I’m on lunch break and about to punch back in.

So, what is a Serger? It’s a special kind of sewing machine that is able to make the same kind of stitches that are around the hems on most of the t-shirts and, basically, any shirt you buy in the store. The threads wrap around the edge of the fabric so that the fabric doesn’t unravel. If you sew on t-shirt material, the material sort of stretches, but a serger can prevent it from doing that. It’s basically able to make professional stitches like the ones in the stores.

A normal sewing machine can do a variety of different stitches, but it can’t do everything like the ones you find in the store.

T-shirt material is one of my favorite things, and I really want to make my own t-shirts. They won’t be t-shirts, though. They will be made of the same material, but, maybe, made into a dress or something, I don’t know, or a tunic, something other than just a t-shirt.

The people designing clothes are stupid and unimaginative. They make garbage that nobody really wants or likes, but is forced to buy because nothing else is available. Meanwhile, things people would really like to have just don’t exist.

So I can make t-shirt tunics, dresses, or pants. That would be weird, and perhaps, too sexy. So maybe I won’t make pants out of t-shirt material. But I can. I don’t care if the fabric is drooping or stretching. I’ll try it anyway, even if everyone tells me it can’t be done. Then I’ll find out, yeah, it really can’t be done, oh well, it was worth a try.

note to self: research seafood amines diet again

February 5, 2016

I have actual blood on my face from scratching the hives I got after I ate seafood. I don’t usually buy seafood, although I love it. It’s just laziness and forgetting that it exists, which causes me not to buy it. I’m also allergic to seafood and I get hives on my face and jawline. It’s not life-threatening, and my throat doesn’t close up, and I don’t go into anaphylactic shock. I just say, a day or two later, ‘Why the heck do I have bleeding hives all over my face? Oh yeah, I ate shrimp.’ I bought these mussels, and cooked them in the bag in the microwave. I’d prefer not to microwave, but I’m in a hurry. Now I have bloody face hives.

The low amine diet is strongly connected to the Feingold diet. The two diets help each other and people using the diets know about the other diet. Amines come from protein and have something to do with how fresh the meat is. Fresher meats will have fewer harmful amines.

Note to self, I need to look into this again.

The Jesse/Kaelin story. My sewing project and bike building/repair project.

February 5, 2016

11:05 AM 2/5/2016

Jesse forgave me for being a retard who ruined his life, but I haven’t yet written the blog where I explained how exactly I ruined his life.

Also, this explains why ‘they’ are playing, ‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls,’ over and over in my head. A girl at work mentioned that she heard that song on the radio and it would be stuck in her head all day, and ever since she said that, it has been playing in my head.

I actually hate that song and always have. ‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls – please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to. I know that you’re gonna have it your way or nothing at all, but I think you’re moving too fast…’ I don’t like being told not to try something that I’ve decided to try. Of course, it’s been a long time since I did anything adventurous and risky, so the song shouldn’t even offend me anymore – chronic fatigue syndrome prevented me from ‘chasing waterfalls’ for the last couple decades. I get the idea – follow the waterfall, and you will end with a horrible, crashing death in chaos.

But now I understand, that song is relevant to what happened to Jesse, and that’s why they’re playing it. That does not make me hate the song any less, it only explains why they’re playing it.

Okay. Jesse met this girl Kaelin. I’m still not sure how he met her. There was this one incident where he called me on the phone and said that the girl talking over the drive-thru at McDonald’s sounded a lot like me, enough that he thought, ‘Nicole?????’ when he heard her. He held up the phone and let me hear her voice, and I laughed and agreed that she sounded like me. I told him he should ask her out on a date. He got off the phone, and I don’t know if he ever asked her out on a date or not.

I was serious, because I want Jesse to be happy, even if it hurts me to let him go, and he will do better with someone his own age in the long run.

That might have been right around the time when he met Kaelin. I’m not sure if it was the same girl or not.

So he was only with her for the last couple months, since just before he came home for Christmas.

But I didn’t know this was going on, and he didn’t tell me, and no, he is not obligated to tell me every detail of his life or who he is seeing – I have told him several times that he can see other people, although yes, it does hurt me and make me jealous, but I want him to be happy and I don’t want him to be alone. It’s kind of an open relationship. I believe in polyamory in principle, although it may be hard to make it work in reality.

Well, the incident that happened was an example of how it may be hard to make it work in reality. Derp de derr, it turns out that I am a blundering retard.

In the beginning of Janurary, Jesse started posting suspicious things on facebook that suggested he might be in love with someone. (Actually, the first post was before he came home for Christmas, and it had something to do with the ‘friend zone.’ I wondered, why was he even talking about, or thinking about, the ‘friend zone,’ which implied that he was attracted to a girl? But I just sort of brushed it off as something I didn’t understand.) They were just those little images with words written on them, you know, the kind of stuff people are always posting on facebook. ‘Love is when you do this, this, and this,’ with an image of two people kissing. Or something.

So he posted one thing about soulmates, and a girl replied to it as though it was specifically about her. However, a guy also replied to it, and Jesse said the guy was his soulmate, too, as a joke. I wondered if the girl was just flirting with him, playfully, but they were just friends, or something. I wasn’t sure if she was serious.

Jesse hadn’t answered his phone since he left to go back to the base at the beginning of January. He wasn’t speaking to me. I started to wonder if maybe he really was seeing this girl, and that was why he wasn’t talking to me.

Finally I actually sent her a message asking her about him. I friended her first, because facebook will put your messages into a ‘message request’ folder, which is nearly invisible and which you will never see unless you go to a specific place on the actual full-size facebook page on your computer, as opposed to the small page on your mobile phone, where you will never even see the ‘message requests’ option anywhere at all, as far as I know. It’s basically a spam folder. You can pay money to facebook to get permission to send people messages, though. Only your friends can send messages directly to you. I don’t know, but there might be a setting that lets you receive messages from ‘friends of friends,’ too.

So I friended her, then sent a message explaining what was going on. I said I wondered if she knew how Jesse was doing, because Jesse hadn’t been answering his phone. She said he wasn’t answering his phone because he was in California doing some training, and did not have his phone with him. But he actually hadn’t answered me even before that. He was still back at the base during the time when he stopped answering, and I know because he had been online during that time.

I tried to ask her basically who she was and what was her relationship to Jesse, because I hadn’t been sure if she was just a friend or if they were dating. I said it was something I needed to know because I had been with Jesse for the past two years, although it was a difficult relationship with a lot of problems and a huge age difference. I said that actually, if she was serious about him and was planning to stay with him, and not give up on him, I wanted to let him go because I wanted him to be happy.

This might have been the ‘key blunder,’ the most important stupid thing I did, but I mentioned that he had also sometimes been seeing other girls during the time when he was with me. I was just trying to explain that we didn’t have the greatest relationship, that it was not very stable, that he wasn’t really happy with me, and that he should probably go with someone his own age who he would love more than he loves me. I just meant, I know he doesn’t really love me

I’m not sure if she even really noticed that I’m from Pennsylvania, and that therefore, I never get to see him at all while he’s stationed in Washington. However, there was no time to explain this, or anything else, because she started flipping out, telling me that I ‘looked like a fucking dude,’ telling me to shut the fuck up and leave her alone, and pretty much just having a stroke. She said that he was going to marry her, that he was in love with her and her girls (she has two twin daughters who are, ehh, maybe about a year old or less), and why was I telling her these things, to make her break up with him? Because she was NOT going to break up with him.

And I was like, no, no, I’m not trying to make you break up. I don’t want you to break up. I want him to be happy with someone who won’t give up on him. I just need to know that you’re serious and you’re not ever going to give up on him, because he said people gave up in past relationships and he lost other people before me. I said I was able to let go of him because I wanted him to be happy with someone.

And she’s still freaking out and calling me a bitch and saying ‘BYE!’ in all caps telling me to leave. This was only, like, three or four messages back and forth. I didn’t spam her with dozens of messages or anything.

So, I got this huge, explosive reaction of extreme anger and extreme defensiveness and rage, while I myself was trying to remain calm, even though it did hurt me to find that he was with another girl and that I was letting him go.

But since he was in California, we went a few more days before she was able to talk to him.

Then I got a phone call a couple days ago, from Jesse. I hadn’t been expecting him to call me. I was expecting that he would have some trouble with Kaelin when he got back, but I couldn’t predict what would happen. I was hoping she would somehow sort it out with him. But no, he told me she broke up with him.

I sent her one more message telling her that I hadn’t meant for them to break up, that I was getting used to the idea of letting go of Jesse so he would be with someone his own age and he could be happy, but all I got from her was ‘shut the fuck up bitch and leave me the fuck alone!’ or something to that effect. I didn’t bother her, I just let it go.

Then Jesse called me again, after I had called and left a few messages apologizing over and over about what I had done. He apologized to me and said that, after my messages to her, she had turned around and cheated on him, and he had caught her (which means, she deliberately let him catch her, to get revenge). But I’m barely even with him at all – I was only with him over Christmas, and that could have been the last time – but no, her extreme overreaction just made her completely blind to anything at all except rage and revenge. It doesn’t matter that I live in Pennsylvania, it doesn’t matter that I’m an ugly old hag who has really weird problems and weird needs and chronic fatigue and hears voices and writes blogs, it doesn’t matter that I only get to see him once a year and that we’re not going to get married because he doesn’t want to marry me or have kids with me – none of that matters, HE CHEATED ON HER ONCE OR A COUPLE OF TIMES.

The ‘cheating’ was actually very half-hearted, and I had to
practically get on my knees and beg him to cheat on her. He didn’t call me, I had to call him. His energies were not directed to me at all during the time when he was home, and I spent a lot of the time angry at him, partly because I was under the influence of tobacco, and before that I was under the influence of secondhand birth control pill residues from someone else. I was angry and frustrated and barely got to be with him at all, because he was disconnecting from me and in the process of bonding with someone else that he was in love with and had only recently just started seeing.

So, he wasn’t, like, enthusiastically and gleefully cheating on her, whole-heartedly, having an awesome time with his awesome other girlfriend while he was home for Christmas. I had to CHASE HIM DOWN and go to his house to get him to be with me, although he did voluntarily come visit me at the laundromat when he first got home, since I was still camping at the time. We had some quiet time together and some nice conversations, and yes, we did have sex while he was here, so, by definition, yes, technically he cheated on her with me.

So whatever Kaelin was picturing, it wasn’t even like that. He wasn’t gleefully laughing at her behind her back while having a great time with me. He was visiting the security blanket, the comfort blanket, the old friend he can rely on but doesn’t want to marry or have kids with.

But so, he tells me they broke up. I am a bit skeptical – I imagine they could still get back together, and that it could be a
break-up-get-back-together-repeatedly type of relationship, where people are always fighting. That’s still possible.

‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls… you’re moving too fast.’ A horrible song that should never have been written and should not be forced to repeat itself in anyone’s heads, but yet, now I know why they’re playing that song.

The only thing that I do know is, he doesn’t want to get rid of me. That is what he has been doing by calling me on the phone, apologizing to me, and telling me they broke up. He told me I was right, but my reaction is ‘No, I don’t WANT to be right about her.’ He said she really WAS a stupid bitch, but my reaction is, ‘Actually I was starting to LIKE her.’ I had been scrolling down her facebook page, because that was the only way I could get any information about her at all, and the more I read, the more cool she seemed. I really, sincerely thought she was awesome and I liked her.

But apparently she has intense, overreactive emotions. The only thing I can compare it to is my relationship with Terry, when I was 15 and he was 16. We were constantly fighting, breaking up, and getting back together, although from my point of view, I was never ‘breaking up’ with him – he would only accuse me of having broken up with him, whereas I viewed it as us constantly being together the whole time, just with a few spaces in between where we were mad at each other or went a few days without seeing each other. I didn’t see it as this detailed process of constantly connecting and disconnecting and reconnecting, but that was how he saw it.

I could put it into socionics terms but if I did I would have to use that Model B / Hitta’s Chart thing, where +Fe/-Fi is my fourth function. Or maybe -Ni/+Ne is my third function. I don’t see a detailed process, I see a net result. The net result is, Terry and I were continuing to see each other, it’s just that the mood between us was constantly changing, to be a violent angry battle one day, versus a more peaceful connected agreeable mood another day. I’m not sure which of my functions that is.

Maybe it’s even my base function, -Si/+Se. ‘We’re doing XYZ.’ ‘Doing XYZ’ in general, over the long term – that kind of sounds like -Si. ‘This is how we’re living, in general.’ ‘I’m camping, in general, over the long term’ is -Si, so maybe ‘I’ve been seeing this guy, in general, and in general, spending time with him, and knowing that I *can* see him whenever I want to, in general, overlooking the detailed process of what goes on day-to-day.’ That could indeed be -Si. ‘Terry keeps coming over to my house, in general over the long term.’ In general, over the long term, overlooking the day-to-day details, is a minus sign function, whichever one. A ‘result’ function instead of a ‘process’ function.

So that experience teaches me that perhaps Jesse and Kaelin aren’t done forever. They could just be in the midst of one of the day-to-day details that I will be overlooking. However, Jesse has clearly and deliberately sent me a clear message that he doesn’t want to permanently kick me out of his life.

I felt like a retard for having messaged Kaelin, for having failed to predict that she would TOTALLY FREAK OUT AND HAVE A GRAND MAL SEIZURE and scream at me that I’m a bitch and that I should leave her the fuck alone. I don’t remember myself *ever* being that emotional and overreactive and defensive. I just pushed the ‘EXPLODE’ button, the big red button that says ‘DO NOT PUSH THIS BUTTON.’ It was stupid of me.

(Note, I was going to say ‘have a stroke,’ but ‘they’ suggested ‘grand mal seizure’ instead. So those are not my words. I would not have been able to recall on my own that grand mal seizures existed, because they are something that I rarely am reading about, since I personally do not have this problem and have no need to learn anything about it. Grand mal seizures are not located anywhere in my short term or medium term memories. Maybe ‘they’ have some reason why they are saying that.)

So I was trying to tell Jesse to block me from seeing facebook and make his page private so that I wouldn’t ever see who his new friends were, who he was flirting with, who he was talking to, and so on, so that I could not stupidly and accidentally ruin his life again by pushing the big red ‘DO NOT PUSH’ button. I really was not trying to make her freak out and break up with him. I was just trying to understand whether she was joking or serious about being in love with him, based on a thing he posted on his wall.

Ironically, it turned out that he HAD already confessed and explained that he was seeing a girl named Kaelin, but it was in a previous facebook post, and I had not seen the comment yet. I only saw it afterwards. Some other friend asked him, ‘Who’s the lucky girl?’ and he said it was Kaelin. If I had only seen that, I wouldn’t have needed to ask her, ‘Derp de derr, excuse me, but are you, like, dating Jesse or something? Because, herrp, he’s MY boyfriend!’ I would have known and it wouldn’t have been necessary. I was just shocked and confused and was trying to understand what was going on. But oh well.

‘Polyamory in principle’ means that all the members know that the other members exist, and are consenting to do it anyway, so I guess I unwittingly followed that rule of polyamory. It’s just that I would have attempted to move on, and would not have wanted to continue helping him to cheat on her without her knowledge, if he came home again.

So we all survived this little battle, and I do not yet know whether Jesse and Kaelin will continue seeing each other again, in a chaotic, stormy, ever-battling way. I do not know if Kaelin is on any drugs that cause her to be excessively overreactive, or whether it’s just because she’s young, and she has two baby girls that need a father and need financial support that she would have hoped to get from Jesse. I don’t know, and no one will tell me these important details, so I can only speculate.

Aside from all that, I’m trying to continue on some projects that fit into the +Te creative function in socionics, making technical things, using tools, being productive and progressive. I have my electric bike working. I told Eric I wanted to get a sewing machine, and he pressured me to continue working on the bike. He guilt-tripped me. But after all, this is indeed why I am here. I am here to learn about motorized bikes, although I also had some things I wanted to learn from Jason before he leaves, too, such as hunting animals.

So, I secretly did both. I purchased some things to continue fixing the bike, because it desperately needs to be fixed, and because I have desperately needed to learn do-it-yourself bike maintenance and repair for the past few years. But I also purchased a Serger.

So I bought some things to enable me to work on the bike, such as a bike stand to hook the bike on while I’m doing repairs, instead of having to lay the bike upside down with the wheels sticking upwards while I repair it, which doesn’t work very well when you’re trying to do things like squeeze the brake levers or change the gears. And I purchased new gear shifts, which I will install, because both of mine are malfunctioning and broken, but still just barely usable. I have a lot of work that needs to be done on the bike and I need to get more tools and infrastructure to make it easy to do. I am gradually buying tools now.

But now I also have an unopened sewing machine, which I just got yesterday. I went to Wal-Mart on my electric bike, then rode the bus partway home – it doesn’t go all the way to my house – and pushed the bike down a big hill, with the Serger propped on the bike frame, as I limped along with about 500 pounds of groceries and miscellaneous objects in my backpack that I had bought.

Having a sewing machine means that I can make my own clothes. This is extremely important! Like, life-or-death important. I have had to buy clothes and throw them in the garbage for the past few years due to decontamination. If I find cheap sources of fabric, or if I get recycled fabric, or something, then I can make my own clothes and have some kind of customized pattern that I follow to make junky, disposable clothing that meets my needs and prevents me from having to shop for clothes, which is literally torture.

There is something in the Goodwill store that makes shopping unbearable – whether it is the music, the total chaotic
disorganization now that they are no longer organizing things by color, or whether it is some radio frequency which is either in the store by accident, or whether I am being deliberately attacked when I go in there, or maybe a moldy smell that sometimes comes out of the ceiling tiles – I don’t know – all I know is that I become more and more enraged with every passing second that I spend walking through Goodwill looking for clothes and finding nothing but garbage that I hate.

That is why I say it is literally torture for me to shop for clothes. I really might be getting radio-frequency attacked. I’m not sure. There can be other causes that make me get extremely angry and frustrated and extremely impatient and fed up and ready to walk out of the store that very instant and give up on trying to find anything at all. Several different factors result in that effect.

If I can make a few basic custom patterns for myself, then I will have no one to blame but me if my clothes are horrible low-quality garbage. But they’re *MY* horrible low-quality garbage! ❤ ❤ ❤ 🙂 My own, custom-designed, custom-tailored, custom-fitted, low-quality garbage clothing, that expresses the essence of my own low quality garbage soul. Then, when they get contaminated, I can throw them in the garbage, knowing that I can easily produce infinity more where those came from. I am a walking garbage factory.

So I didn’t tell Eric, but my priorities are torn between making clothes, and improving my electric bike. It’s true, I must indeed make an effort to prioritize the bike, which is why I bought the bike repair stand and other stuff, so I can start learning to do all the repairs myself. I’m not quitting. I’m continuing. I’m learning. It’s very hard for me to learn – I’ve not been interested in mechanical things. I’ve been interested in health, and food, and soft, girly stuff. Making clothes is included in ‘soft, girly stuff.’ Making electric bicycles is included in ‘awesome, tough, tomboy, mechanical stuff.’

I need to get ready for work now. I have a little while yet before I have to rush out the door though.

Kaelin and Jesse might not be done forever yet. I do not know. However, Jesse explicitly apologized to me about Kaelin and has expressed his wishes that I should not leave him forever. That is where we stand right now. I do not know where it will all go.