Archive for October, 2014

making emergency changes to my schedule

October 30, 2014

I’m doing the best I can. Tonight I called TB and asked if I could just come in a little bit later instead of coming in at 6:00. I’m going to tell them what’s going on and say that I urgently need to drastically cut my hours immediately. I could work only a few hours a night, or come in later, but I must change this immediately. I came home from McD and laid down, and I just feel like I can’t get back up again. I could still close at TB, but maybe go in later in the evening – whatever they can do to cut back but still let me come in.

I really, really hope it’s not the pesticides at McD. I don’t know exactly where they sprayed it. I only remember a couple weeks ago I saw the maintenance guy slowly walking around in the back room carrying one of those jugs that has, like, a manual pump sprayer thing on it, and he was spraying the edges of the floor in the back room with some kind of liquid. It can only be pesticide. I haven’t asked him what it was, though. That’s right around the time that I started repeatedly getting helplessly sick over and over, and staying sick for days and days, and being too sick to move even on my days off. I HATE THEM! I HATE PESTICIDES! I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE THEM!

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pesticides? and, why am I working 60 hours?

October 30, 2014

9:09 AM 10/30/2014

For some reason, I had forgotten how many hours a week I was working. I’m working about 60 hours if I don’t call off sick any days. So far, I don’t know for sure if I’ve actually worked any 60 hour weeks yet.

I’m asking myself why I’m working so many hours. Am I trying to save money for something specific? In the long run, yes – I need to save an infinite amount of money, so that I can retire. But right now I’m living without any long-term savings at all. So yes, actually, I need to save an inconceivable and unthinkable amount of money, for retirement, and also for any other projects. Any project at all, any time off work, any traveling, everything – yes, I have to save money for everything, and I have to save an unthinkable amount of money which hasn’t been calculated yet.

But I’m starting to get sick. It’s being triggered by a couple things. I’m getting sick when I use the caffeine pills, and I took one today. I was so sick and so miserable that I felt like I just needed to run away from work and quit right then. I’m so tired and I’m having attacks of chronic fatigue and mysterious illnesses lasting for days or weeks.

But also, they sprayed pesticide at McD not long before I started getting sick. I’m starting to think that it’s that. And there’s nothing I can do about that. I have absolutely no control over my reaction to the pesticides.

If Jesse won’t let me employ him – I’ve tried – he sort of starts to agree to it, then backs out of it every time and refuses – then there’s no reason why I need to much money, except for the long run and every other project. But…. I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I could borrow money, if it was a finite amount, if I started a business venture with it, if I did the bookkeeping and calculated exactly how much I would need and how much I would borrow and what my payments were. I’ve been thinking about it. I’d borrow a small finite amount, and then do something that would have an immediate profit with the smallest amount of preparation and investment. Then I’d build on that, gradually, borrowing finite amounts of money and paying them back.

I have to get back to work. I feel a bit better after eating, but I’m starting to think I have to cut back. 60 hours in four days is killing me, and I thought I could do it, but now I’m getting sick over and over, and the pesticides I suspect might have triggered it – and there is NOTHING I CAN DO, AND I HATE THAT! I can’t stop them from spraying pesticides indoors! I hate it so much! And they don’t care!

gotta go…

I’m back. I’m not 100% sure the pesticides are the problem, but they could be. Anyway, I need to think deeply about how badly I need this money right now.

Delta Quadra meetup group

October 29, 2014

7:23 PM 10/29/2014

Today I officially started the Socionics Delta Quadra Meetup Group. I paid for it and everything. What prompted this? Craziness, surely, and frustration and despair and helplessness.

Jesse is filling out all the paperwork to get into the military. I’ve seen him working on it. He had to get ridiculous amounts of information, such as the birthplaces of all his siblings. He was expressing despair, telling me that he’s wondering what heaven is like, hoping to meet his dead grandmother there, saying that in the future he sees no relief – from what, I don’t know, I can only guess. From everything – from working at jobs and quitting them, from the need to earn a lot of money, from his family, from his physical pain whatever that may be – he didn’t say he feels physical pain, or at least, I don’t recall if he ever did – I think he might have told me that he is physically uncomfortable at some point in time, I mean, chronically or over a long period. I know he’s intermittently used psychiatric drugs, but I never know for sure when he’s on them or off them. Surely he must have drug residues in his belongings as well. And the declining fall sunlight leads to despair, too, and none of us have a healthy diet or enough vitamin D to compensate for it.

Last night I finally gave in and visited Steve again. Steve has occasionally called me or emailed me all this time, and earlier this year we went to the Indian Powwow together, but Jesse was furious because he had wanted to see me that day. After that, I tried very hard to avoid Steve so I wouldn’t make Jesse mad. But now Jesse is going into the military – he’ll be gone for many weeks at boot camp, he might be deployed and go someplace far away, he might die. I don’t know. I decided to let myself at least visit with Steve as a friend. We’re not having sex anymore. We just went out to eat and enjoyed a conversation and a walk around the block afterwards. I have no other friends, and I never socialize with anyone outside of work. I briefly say hello to my landlady and the other woman who lives in the house, but I mostly avoid them too.

I broke down and made the socionics meetup that I have been
envisioning for, literally, years. It isn’t just socionics-in-general or socionics-for-everyone. It’s Delta Quadra Only. In other words, APPLIED socionics. I’m *using* socionics to bring together people who get along well, and putting them into a place where they will meet each other, interact, socialize, and if anyone is lucky, fall in love. At least, enjoy socializing, without the awkwardness of a ‘date.’ No rejection, just people hanging out in a group – and yet, underneath, people might meet their duals. It’s a great idea, brewing in my mind for a very long time now, and I finally ‘pushed the button’ and made it happen today, and paid the meetup.com dues.

Meetup.com is very fierce about insisting that you are going to be ‘real.’ I like it! When I was filling out the forms and making the payment, I had to push a button, and I forget the exact words, but it was like an agreement that said, ‘I agree to meet people in the real world’ or something like that, and you had to push the ‘agree’ button. Those weren’t the exact words, but it was something very firm sounding. I agree to create real community, or something like that. The whole point of meetup.com is real people meeting OFFLINE. Its purpose is to use the internet to get people off the internet.

It was a little scary. I’m a cat owner now. I agreed to take care of these cats, and I have to pay for their food every week. My meetup group is like that. I paid the dues to have it listed on meetup.com, and now, I have to schedule regular, frequent meetups, and I have to somehow entertain a group of strangers, and if it fails, it’s all my fault. I have to ‘feed’ all these people with some kind of
entertainment, some kind of activity, some kind of message, some reason for being there. If they are unhappy, I must do something to make it better, or they will stop going to the meetups. If it’s boring, if it’s pathetic, if it’s pointless, then people will join and then never show up again. It has to be rewarding enough to bring people back over and over again. All of that is on me now.

People leave for reasons having nothing to do with me – for example, the loss of their free time. If they have something else to do in those hours, they can’t come to the meetup. But if the meetup is SO AMAZING that they absolutely must go to it, then they will reschedule their *other* life activities, so that they have time to go to the meetup.

I just need a feeling that I’m connected to some kind of group, some kind of network. I don’t want it to just be my coworkers. I want it to be a community that I myself have created. I want to feel like I can get resources from this group, whether that’s social resources, networking, money, ideas, knowledge, friendship, or new duals if Jesse dies in the military. I feel powerless to replace him. He came to me when I was working at TB. I described him as an angel that fell out of the sky and crashed in front of me, asking for my help, a broken black angel. I don’t know why I pictured him as black. He was dark and unhappy and had problems. He was not a healthy, happy person living a great life, but instead, his grandmother was dying, he had drug and alcohol addictions, he heard voices and hallucinated, he had been diagnosed with mental illnesses, he was a compulsive liar – he did not have an easy life. He couldn’t keep any stable relationships or stable jobs. He couldn’t trust anyone.

But to me, he was a wonderful gift. I did not, and still do not, meet people like him every day. For whatever reason, these people do not end up in fast food jobs. And my workplace is the ONLY place where I ever interact with other real human beings. Then I go home and use the internet. I have no friends. I have coworkers who I am very fond of, but I don’t see them outside of work. None of them are socionic duals – I have several identicals (ISTP/SLI) who I love very much. I have a female dual at McD. I have mirror types. I have someone who might possibly be an activator. But there are no male duals at either job, ever. Jesse was extremely unusual.

I tried several years ago putting up an ad asking for ENFPs on craigslist, and it worked. But it was awkward – all the guys who responded to my ad were competing for my attention, from me and only me. Yeah, that sounds great, but it isn’t. I wanted to get to know each and every one of them, and could not bear to push away one of them in order to spend time with one of the others. I didn’t like having to give my attention to all of them, while trying to be honest and saying, ‘I’m still talking to the other guy.’ People want your total attention and total involvement in their life. I believe in polyamory in principle, but if it ever happens, I think it requires a strong, stable relationship to begin with, and you probably should not try to start a whole bunch of new fragile relationships all
simultaneously. Maybe after having been with someone for a while, so that you both know the relationship is secure.

And then, I abandoned that attempt to meet guys from the ad – several things went wrong, long story – and I became infatuated with Rick instead, online, and that was a disaster because I was still severely manic at the time. I’m not manic now. The things going wrong in my relationships nowadays have little or nothing to do with my mania – Jesse’s life already had problems that had nothing to do with me.

But I proved I was able to attract ENFPs with a craigslist ad, but I was uncomfortable about trying to date them individually and trying to choose one and only one out of several, trying to make them all compete against each other. It seemed like a better idea to just get a group of us all together, a mixed group of everyone in the quadra, so that it would be possible to talk to one person for a few minutes, and someone else for a few minutes, and if I turned my attention to someone else, other people would take over. In a group, other people are always there for you to talk to if a conversation between you and one person fizzles out or changes. Everyone in the group supports each other. There isn’t as much pressure as there is on a date, with only two people together. However, if you meet someone in the group and you like them enough, then, feel free to go out with them separately – that’s exactly what I hope will happen.

It’s just a place to meet people who all happen to be somewhat compatible, whereas with a normal group based on common interests might have a bunch of people all interested in the topic, but not really compatible for dating and love. Maybe, maybe not. I could give a socionic explanation: the ‘clubs’ tend to be interested in the same things, but talk about them differently – the ST, SF, NT, and NF clubs, which are in different quadras. I can get together with a bunch of STs, and we might talk about, say, the problems with government and the economic system, but I’m not going to fall in love with a SLE or LSI from the beta quadra, even though we’re there in a group talking about common interests. The NFs might all get together and talk about, say, religion, but they might not meet their duals in that group. (I don’t know what a group of NFs would talk about, that was just an example.) It’s possible to enjoy doing something socially in an interest-based group, but not meet your soulmates there.

That is why I am deliberately and artificially bringing together the Delta quadra, even though we don’t have a special interest that we will be talking about. The topics of discussion and the activities we do will evolve over time as more people join the group (if anyone does, and if anyone stays in the group and returns repeatedly every week).

In my mind, there is no such thing as too many meetups. If we had an ongoing, nonstop meetup group going 24 hours a day 7 days a week at a particular location, at the Delta Quadra House or something, that would be ideal. If there were dozens of Delta Quadra Houses scattered all over this town so that everyone was located conveniently close to one of them, that would be ideal. They’d be like churches. There are always a bunch of churches scattered all over the town. But churches are only open for a short time, a couple days a week, and then they sit there idle, or else they let people in to do community activities. I’m imagining something where Deltas would actually *live* there all the time, together, or else it would be a place to meet which was always open, or open daily at least. The more available it is, the more it will grow. But this is all expensive, like keeping a fast food place open all night long.

These chocolate crunch cakes from Domino’s are truly, truly disgusting and repulsive and almost gag-inducing. Why on earth did I get these? I was sick the last three days, which ruined my entire weekend, the only three days off that I have. I stayed in bed as much as possible, with severe fatigue and a slightly upset stomach, so that I was hungry but didn’t know exactly what I wanted to eat. I broke down and went to Domino’s and got some stuff, including these utterly disgusting and sickening chocolate lava crunch cakes. I knew that I hated them, but I got them anyway. And here I am, still resolutely choking them down while talking about how horrible they are.

It took enormous courage to start that meetup group today. I scheduled a meetup for next week, but actually, I can’t just sit around and hope people will show up by themselves. I’m going to have to ‘seed’ the group and advertise it. I’ve thought maybe I could seed it with some Delta coworkers, but I don’t know how to explain in fifteen words or less what socionics is and why I need them to go there. ‘I need you guys to come along as, ummm, “filler.” You’re the “bulk” people.’ I have PLENTY of Delta STs everywhere I look. I could fill up the entire group with tons of bulk. The bulk would be there to pull in the hard-to-find NF types, through osmosis. I meet a steady stream of Delta STs at my fast food jobs, constantly, and I feel confident that I can provide an endless supply of them (although, as many others have observed, there are far more Delta ST males than females!). It’s the NFs who are scattered all over the world, isolated, impossible to find, doing strange and unimaginable things, working at unthinkable jobs, who have to be called in by means of a meetup group that explicitly names them by name and invites them to join.

I’m going to try to bring Steve with me next week. Steve isn’t officially a member, but he’s an INFJ/EII. I might try to urge him to become an official member, but that means I’ll have to explain socionics to him. I might have sort of hinted about socionics in the past, without really dwelling on it. Now I’d have to explain that actually socionics is a major interest of mine and I’m using it in a serious way as a tool to bring together compatible people into a group. I’d have to explain that actually, a lot of other people are interested in personality types too, and this isn’t just me and my isolated craziness, but is instead a growing trend in the United States.

I thought of an odd parallel. Many decades ago, when I was a teenager, I wrote a fiction story which was prophetic. Perhaps I was being mind controlled back then – in fact, I know I was, in hindsight. But I wrote this story where the planet of Darcon was destroyed, and it had to be brought back to life, and the way to do this was to bring four characters together. They had to travel alone across the black desert of the devastated planet and meet each other. These ‘four people’ parallel the four types in the socionic quadra, which seems interesting to me. Four was my lucky number, I said, when I was a child. I don’t remember why I chose the number four. Now that I know about socionics, I like the idea of bringing together four personality types to create some kind of synergy.

at least he’s speaking to me again

October 26, 2014

8:10 PM 10/25/2014

I’m at TB taking a lunch break. I can’t publish this now because we don’t have wifi over here. But, I’m doing okay – I seem to be getting better. It was like a cold or something, I guess. I don’t usually get a stuffy nose when I get a cold, and I don’t get a cough. I just get bad fatigue for 24 hours or so.

Jesse talked to me a little bit, and we are making peace with each other again. I just reemphasized that I’m really scared about the idea of him joining the military. I’ve had sort of a brainwashing going on over the past couple days – I’m hearing, and feeling, the voices in my head convincing me that I am able to support him while he joins the military, or that I should at least try to be supportive, and that I should do a google search for military wives or something, so that I can see other people who feel the same way I do. I’m probably not the only one who feels this way when a loved one joins the military. I’ve always seen them and thought that the entire family believed in the military and was happy about it. But realistically, there’s got to be someone else out there who has felt the same way I do, opposed to the military while a spouse or boyfriend is trying to join it.

I could also research non-combat positions and see what they have. But even so, just being in the region where the war is going on puts you at risk. And just being in the military at all puts you at risk – for example, they give depleted uranium armor to people in the military, and everyone has to get vaccinated, and other things like that. Military people come back with cancer and mysterious diseases, even if they don’t get killed by the enemy.

I’m also not taking caffeine pills today – I went back to using the instant espresso coffee at home. I really, really, really just want to quit coffee. But there are some activities that I almost cannot do at all without large amounts of caffeine, such as making web pages. It’s hard for me to focus on learning new skills and challenges.

I miss Jesse and hope I can see him on my days off again. We’ve been seeing each other intermittently over all these months, since Christmas 2013, and he’s gotten better about refusing to speak to me – the times when he refuses to speak to me are shorter, and I can usually figure out what’s going on (or else I get voices in my head that try to explain it to me) and what I can do. In the beginning he went, like, months and months avoiding me, and that was mostly because his grandmother was dying. He withdraws when he is suffering badly. I’m getting to know these quirks, but I would not have understood it without ‘them’ explaining things to me. This is a situation where I have insight into something because of the voices in my head, insight that I would not have had.

I really do envy him if he goes into the military. If only it weren’t about killing innocent people and invading foreign countries to serve as a tool for evil forces in the government who are lying about their motives… then it would be fun – having adventures, learning new skills, going places, working with a group, camaraderie, challenges, new languages and foreign foods, foreign cultures, working with machinery, having goals and missions to accomplish, doing something important and meaningful. That’s all the idealistic vision of what the military is, but knowing what I know, I can’t see it that way. I can see that side of it, enough to envy people who go into the military and enjoy it. But I also see that the government lies about everything, the media lies about everything, the false flag attacks fool the public into thinking we need to retaliate, and so on – everything is a lie, and we are invading innocent countries for evil reasons. But if only it wasn’t all about that….

My lunch break is over. I will survive tonight, and then I have to get up and go to McD tomorrow. I didn’t call off sick from either job today.

this actually makes me wonder how the immune system is connected to psychological trauma

October 24, 2014

It really does seem that I started getting sick right around the same time that Jesse passed his practice ASVAB test and I realized that he would be capable of getting into the military for real. I had this idea that he would have a really hard time passing it because of his difficulties with math. He failed it in the past. But he tells me that in the past, he never studied for it at all, and this time, he studied for it at least a little bit, several days before he took the test. So he passed it. After he passed it I was forced to accept that he might really get in. I hoped he’d fail, over and over and over again, and then, by that time, I would have some alternative source of income started up, some kind of small business, or my ads would be up and running and I’d be earning money from a website or something – anything at all, if I just had more time. But that’s not how it’s going to be. It was right around that time that I started getting sick again.

And when I was sick at McD yesterday morning, I was able to reach Jesse in text and he answered me. I was looking forward to seeing him that afternoon – I asked him if he’d bring me a couple things from the grocery store, for a fee. He said he might (but decided not to, later on, so I didn’t see him yesterday), and as soon as he said he might be willing to help me out and bring me a couple things from the grocery store, I instantly started feeling slightly less sick.

I usually do not like to connect sickness with emotions, because people take it WAYYYYY too far, and they assume that ALL sickness is merely nothing but hypochondria, and the placebo effect can magically cure ANYTHING AT ALL, and there is no such thing as real sickness, and blah blah, and all my symptoms are imaginary, and all that. They take it to an extreme. It wasn’t an instant magical cure, it was just that I felt *SOMEWHAT BETTER* instantly as soon as I had hope that I was going to get a visit from Jesse that afternoon after I got out of work. I don’t want to imply that all sicknesses are purely imaginary and that we have total power over our sicknesses through our minds and positive thinking and all that. The connection is not that strong or straightforward, and happy, healthy, positive-thinking people get sick and die just like the rest of us. But even so, I really noticed how much better I felt knowing that Jesse might visit me.

sick enough that I called off TB last night, and McD this morning

October 24, 2014

4:15 PM 10/24/2014

I’m very sick at the moment. Yesterday morning I worked at McD, but a little while after I got there, I started to get sick. It was the same day that I said I didn’t want to go to work because my mind wasn’t finished processing something. I was reluctant to go because I was starting to get sick but didn’t realize it yet. After I got there, I got hit with the incapacitating fatigue. I asked if I could go home but I ended up staying the rest of my shift. But then I called off work from TB yesterday evening, and I called off from McD this morning.

I’ve stayed home all day, trying to rest, but haven’t really gotten better. I’m having some diarrhea and severe fatigue. I’m going to try to go to work at TB.

I think it might be because I ate this smoked salmon from Weis. I think I got parasites from it, maybe. But I didn’t actually feel any parasites. Usually when I get parasites from eating something, I can actually feel them crawling around. That didn’t happen this time, I just got the incapacitating fatigue which has happened before.

I’m so tired I can barely even write this blog, and I’m going to try to go to work at TB this evening. I hope I don’t have to rush around or use a lot of energy.

I’m caught in the middle of this horrible indecision. Jesse wants to go into the military, I don’t know what branch. I feel like there is nothing I can do for him at all, in any way, and if he goes into the military, I’m even more useless to him. I feel like he won’t even be interested in me. I don’t know about ‘co-ed’ troops, but, if there are females in his group, he might fall in love with the people he’s seeing every day, instead of me, since I won’t be there with him. If I do anything at all, I’d be staying in a nearby town or something, if he was stationed someplace. I only have the vaguest idea of what I could possibly do to be near him while he was deployed. And I don’t want to go to a dangerous place. I don’t even know what part of the military he wants to join. He was saying the Coast Guard a while ago, just to appease me, because I didn’t want him to get deployed to go somewhere dangerous.

I’m so sick, I don’t know how I will go to work tonight, and yet I’m going to try anyway.

I tried writing an ad on craigslist, and reopening my plentyoffish profile page so that it’s visible. I’m sort of frantically flailing around hoping that maybe I can meet other people and give up on Jesse. I don’t know if it will work. I don’t know if I can just give up on him and quit.

Also, I bought some of the instant espresso again, and I’ll be trying to use that instead of the caffeine pills again. The caffeine pills make me so angry and irritable and violent, so that I was writing hate mail to Jesse telling him how evil the military is and how evil the war is and how there’s a real war to fight against our own government. It doesn’t matter what I say, the NSA already knows I exist and they already know that, if I had my way, somebody would attack our own government and all its agencies and the IRS and the IMF, instead of attacking innocent goat herders in Afghanistan. Saying I *want* this to happen isn’t the same as saying that I’ve actually got the tools and weapons and plans that I need to do it right this instant.

Anyway so I will try to quit the caffeine pills, although it’s possible that I will use up the last few that are in the box. There weren’t a lot in there, just two sheets of eight pills or something. I’ll try to use the instant espresso instead because it didn’t make me as hateful and violent. Then I won’t be sending hate mail to Jesse complaining about the evil military, and maybe he’ll start speaking to me again. It happened after he passed the practice ASVAB. I cried and have been feeling real grief because if he goes into the military I’m going to lose him, but it was all made much worse by the caffeine pills. My hate mail would have been less violent, probably.

But now I have to just try to drag myself to work and get through this shift, and then get up tomorrow morning and work at McD again. I don’t know if I’m getting any better or not – this is really bad. I have diarrhea and severe incapacitating fatigue, so severe I don’t even want to move my body at all. That’s actually one reason why I chose not to become a manager at McD – if I want to call off sick, I want to be able to. If you’re a manager, you’re often expected to go in even when you’re sick, because you’re important and you’re responsible for the shift and nobody can replace you.

I have to be at work at 6:00, and it’s 4:30 right now. I need to sort of start thinking about getting ready, but no rush yet.

A lot of people answered my craigslist ad. I haven’t replied back to them yet. It tears me apart to be unfaithful and talk to anybody but Jesse. It just tears me apart – I don’t want to go in several directions at once. I don’t know which way I’m going. And, I’m no real use to Jesse, and he can easily get new girlfriends. But I haven’t really accepted that he’s leaving. And he’s not speaking to me right now, not very much anyway, although still a little bit – he’s not ignoring me completely. So I still feel like he could speak to me again, and we’re not completely ‘broken up’ yet. So I can’t completely invest all my energy into meeting other guys yet either. I’m not separated from Jesse. I don’t know what’s going on and where he will be going in the future after he enlists, and all that. And I’m horribly sick today and can barely drag myself to work, and now, I have to focus on that, while leaving all this stuff unresolved.

I did get ads to work on blogger and weebly

October 23, 2014

5:10 AM 10/23/2014

I have to go back to work right now, and I’m frustrated. I feel like I really need to get something done which I did not finish in my days off. I need to reach some kind of understanding about time, the future, and my chosen pathway, and how long something is going to take, and what I should do, and what I should choose, and how I should invest my energy and time. I need to reach this understanding, but have not, and now I have to abandon it and go to work.

I worked on a Weebly web page. I don’t have time to really talk about it, but basically, at Weebly, you have to drag and drop every little thing every time you want to simply post a blog. I hate that. I don’t need to make some special unique design every single time I want to write a blog post. However, you ARE able to put advertisements on there, and I got it to work. I also got ads to work on Blogger. These are ads from Qadabra, not from AdSense. I’m not earning any money from them, and that’s part of what I need to mentally decide on – how much time and effort I will need to invest in order to earn any money from ads on websites.

I have never actually made an objective, user-oriented website. I have only written first-person blogs and have not actually tried to produce products or information or services that other people want to buy. This is a totally different process requiring a different kind of energy. I’m taking Vivarin pills now, at least until that box of pills is used up, and there are only a few left. I don’t know if I will have that sort of energy if I quit the Vivarin pills, but I want to quit caffeine.

I’m resisting going to work this morning because I feel like I just need to understand something, something about the world, something about the whole context of what I’m doing. I needed to think about anarchism, and about my particular type of anarchism, which I don’t have the name of, but which is like ‘anti-landownership anarchism.’ I don’t believe in owning land. This is a really unpopular type of anarchism, but there are a few other people out there who believe in it. I was needing to think about anarchism this morning, and about why the world is the way it is, and what’s wrong with the world, and what I want, and what I’m willing to invest my time and energy into. I needed to see something in order to decide what to do, but I could not spend enough time thinking about it to come to the realization that I needed to reach. I really needed to go inside my shield, but the shield is, right now, squashed on the floor in the back corner of this upstairs room, because I don’t have it sitting out and set up – I don’t want it visible to anyone who walks up here. It’s just a flattened couple of cardboard boxes right now, with the foil on the inside.

I’m fighting against going to work. It’s that feeling that going to work is a waste of time because I have really, really important and urgent things that I absolutely have to get done, which I have not gotten done. I feel like if only I could work on the web pages a little bit more, I could actually start earning an income from them. I could make a user-oriented web page that provides products, services, or information that people want to buy, instead of blogging from my first person point of view in a low-energy mind state, which people do not want to buy.

It’s not really possible to import a wordpress blog into Weebly, partly because of that drag-and-drop ‘feature.’ You can’t just command weebly to print out a thousand pages of pure text. You have to individually drag a little square that says ‘text’ onto the page you want to create, and then drop it on there, and then click on it, and then write your text. Oh my god. Yes, it’s really flexible for clueless users who don’t know HTML and yet who want to custom design all the elements of their web page. And yes, you don’t have to custom-design each and every miniscule page element every single time – you do get a basic template to work on, kind of. I mean you don’t have to place a header at the top each and every time, and so on – it’s kind of set up for you. But you have to drag and drop a little box to put your text into, every time.

Like I said, I don’t even have time to explain about weebly. I only know that yes, you can put ads on it, and I did, and they worked, and that’s what I needed to know, but for all practical purposes, you CANNOT import a wordpress blog into it. You CAN import it into Blogger, a little at a time, and then blogger says ‘You imported too much; wait a while,’ in this error message (I forget the exact words). So you can only do small batches of imports instead of the whole thing at once, but that’s better than weebly, which imports nothing at all. Some people said you can use an RSS feed to import into weebly, but I can’t get that to work – when I try to drag and drop the RSS feed, it just sits there and says ‘working’ or ‘wait’ or something, with the spinning circle of doom, and I cannot change the settings on it to download my imported blog the way they say you can.

It’s just so frustrating being interrupted. I have to waste four more days constantly working, when I felt like I was close to a
breakthrough with my projects and my web pages. I was learning, I was succeeding, I was getting it set up, but kept getting interrupted and could not finish what I was doing, and fighting the drag-and-drop battle over at weebly takes a really long time, as you sit there slowly dragging something, then watching it move into its place, then watching the spinning circle of doom for a few seconds as it decides what to do. Yes, you can put ads there, and that’s all I needed to know.

Now I’m gonna be late for work because I’m resisting and I want to write a blog instead. I took two caffeine pills, not one. They really don’t work very well, actually. They just make me extremely long-winded and irritable. They do sort of work, because I’ve been able to focus on making web pages and stuff. But again, I hate taking something that I don’t want to take forever in the long run. I really want to quit caffeine, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to make web pages without caffeine pills. The web page idea is so that I can get a passive income from ads on a website. Then I’ll be able to do other things. I just need to get a sense of how long I’ll be doing this before it pays off, and if it’s too long, I won’t do it. I will have to do something that pays off sooner, if it takes too long. And now I have to leave for work…. or I’ll be late….

The ‘Stayon’ Ad… Wow, it’s… hideous… but it worked!

October 21, 2014

I did it! It’s HORRIBLE. Oh my god, I hate those kind of ads. But I did it and it worked! I really did it! It’s on my
http://eagledove9.blogspot.com blog. Don’t click on it unless you really, really, seriously, spontaneously want to buy whatever it’s selling, because I’m not supposed to encourage anyone to click on the ads. That would be cheating. Oh my god, it’s hideous though. It’s this huge awful thing that stays stuck on the bottom of your page, ruining your user experience. BUT I DID IT! That’s my first time trying to put up an ad. I had to do google searches to find out how to set it up. It isn’t from AdSense, it’s from Qadabra (I might have misspelled that in my previous blog post, because there is something else called Qdabra from Microsoft, which isn’t what I meant).

Jesse passed the practice ASVAB test, and this is a bad thing, and Christianity is a load of phallus-worshipping symbolic bullcrap

October 21, 2014

3:17 PM 10/21/2014

This is my second day off, and it’s mostly over. I didn’t do much yesterday except cook, and cry. I cried because Jesse passed the practice ASVAB test. He wants to get into the military. I’ve been trying to convince him not to, but he won’t listen to me. We spent some time studying for the practice ASVAB test, and I helped him study. He mostly had a hard time with math, but he learned enough of it to be able to pass the practice test. You have to pass this test to get into the military, which I never knew before. I had heard of this test but didn’t know what it was for.

I was hoping he would fail. I was hoping that his difficulties with math would make him fail the test over and over again, for months, even while studying and studying, and finally, I hoped that I would have an alternative source of income going so that I could convince him to stay with me instead of going into the military. But I can’t do that fast enough – everything I try to do takes a very long time, because of all the obstacles and difficulties in my life.

I just ran some errands today. I hate wasting time just running errands on my days off, but there is no other time to do them.

I’ve been trying again to set up some ads on my other blog, but it isn’t done yet. I’m just having difficulties figuring out how to add the code. I was doing it last week, and then got interrupted and didn’t finish it, and now I have to pick it up and try it again. I was telling it to put an ad on the left side, while simultaneously trying to tell it to put the ad in the footer at the bottom of each blog post, so that was possibly the reason why it wasn’t working yet. I haven’t worked on it again since then, but I have to try again. This wasn’t AdSense, it was a different advertising group called Qdabra. I don’t know for sure if it’s possible to put that on Blogger or not, but I also started up a Weebly website because I read that they allow advertising. So I will try it on there too, I just haven’t done it yet.

I’m thinking about Jesse going away. He wants to go into the military, which means he will go far away, someplace where I can’t see him. He isn’t speaking to me right now, because I told him I was hoping he would fail the practice test and that I didn’t want him to get into the military. I also told him that Christianity is based on phallus worship, because he had been saying he would die and go to heaven and see his dead grandmother, so it was okay to die, and he was looking forward to death and heaven. So I attacked his religion and told him that the whole ‘some guy dying and waking up again’ is a penis symbol from the ancient penis worship religions. And no, I didn’t make that up, it is. And the angels, and their ‘wings,’ and their ‘hoods’ and ‘robes,’ and their ‘pointed hats,’ are all labia symbols, and ‘the gates of heaven’ are the labia as well. All of it is a bunch of symbolic bullshit used for covering up the secret sex worship religions, when their countries were taken over by invaders, and they didn’t want those invaders to understand what they were talking about, so they covered it all up with symbols, and people took it literally – Oh, there really was a ‘son’ (child of the man = small boy = little man, penis) who ‘died’ (ejaculated and became limp and hung downwards in a cross-like shape) when he went into a ‘cave’ (the vagina), which was blocked by ‘boulders’ (the testicles), and when you pull away the ‘boulders,’ the dead guy’s body vanishes too, and it’s no longer there in the cave, because it has rejoined ‘God,’ the whole man who the penis belongs to. It’s all a whole load of
phallus-worshipping bullshit, all of it, everything in the entire bible. It’s not meant to be taken literally as we die and go to heaven and wake up again.

Jesse’s not speaking to me right now, and I don’t know how long he will go without speaking to me again. I don’t know how badly I insulted him by blaspheming his religion. Maybe he will get over it and move on, and maybe he will hate me for weeks or months, I don’t know, I never know how long he will go without talking to me. But I might as well get used to him not talking to me, because he will be away in boot camp, and then deployed to a foreign country, and then he’ll be dead, and I won’t be talking to him anymore, so hey, why not quit talking right now and start early?

Cheap Shield Of Cardboard, Foil, And Duct Tape. Armor Class: +1. Price: I dunno, $1 or something. Like ‘rags’ and ‘wooden sword’ and ‘wooden shield’ in a role-playing game. The first item you find in the beginning of the game.

October 14, 2014

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA

10:49 AM 10/14/2014

I threw together a cheap junky shield today.  This is my second day off.  I’m still taking occasional fragments of caffeine pills.  Why?  I don’t know, I guess I’m just testing them.  They tend to put me right to sleep, so obviously they’re not going to be able to help me get out of bed and go to work in the morning, which is what they were intended to do.

I have enough energy, here on my second day off, to do a project that I’ve had to postpone for a long time.  I didn’t feel comfortable doing it at the other apartment because people were always coming and going and I had no privacy in my room and people could hear me making noises with foil.  I had no door in that apartment, just a curtain over the doorway of the living room, so every little noise I made was heard by everyone.

All that I did was line the inside of some cardboard boxes with foil and arranged the boxes into a tube big enough for me to lie in.  It’s open at both ends – none of this ‘Faraday Cage’ stuff, no perfectionism.  My cat Max was lying on top of the foil at one point grabbing it with his claws, and it didn’t matter.  I just wanted to see if any amount of foil, in any configuration, would have any effect at all.

Even though this was just a quick, simple shield, it took a little while to put it together.  I just taped everything, but even so, I don’t have a roll of tape with a cutter on it, so I had to cut the tape with a knife, which was awkward.  Everything was awkward, messy, and non-ergonomic.  I could not plan the structure in advance due to the constant barrage of attacks and noise – I can’t plan *any* building project in advance by envisioning it in my mind, due to the attacks.  So it was extremely sloppy, hasty, and badly designed, and I was well aware of this.  I knew I needed to make it better quality if it was actually going to work, and I knew my sloppy, ripped shield would do very little if anything.

Finally I got inside it (after putting the cats outside).  It was very hard to crawl into.  I put the foil on the inside of the boxes so that I could easily just fold the boxes flat to hide the shield if anyone was coming into my room where they would see it.  From the outside it mostly just looks like a few boxes, although it has foil at the edges.  I was trying not to rip or wad up the foil as I crawled in.  I need it to be bigger next time, but this was just a test, for observation purposes.

All the learned scientists and knowledgeable people claim that an EMF shield will do nothing whatsoever unless it is absolutely 100% perfect according to a theoretical model.  This belief is a barrier to the mind control attack victims doing anything to shield themselves, because they know they are not capable of engineering a perfect Faraday cage at minimal expense.  It costs tens of thousands of dollars to build a perfectionistic shielded Faraday cage with ventilation so that you can breathe.

I got inside the shield, with my cell phone.  The service bar level did not even drop down a single bar, so I wasn’t even reducing my exposure to cell phone frequencies very much.  I could have made a phone call and it would have gone through.  The shield is open at both ends, and filled with millions of sloppy seams and rips and holes everywhere – it is as far from perfectionism as anything on earth can possibly be.

But I laid down there for a little while just to observe and meditate.  Did I notice anything?

I always notice that I feel better in a bathtub full of water, but I don’t have a bathtub here.  I can almost always concentrate better in the bathtub full of water.  Jesse said the same thing.  One time we were at the hotel sitting in the bath together and he said that he felt so much more at ease and comfortable there, and he was able to open up and talk to me about things that he normally didn’t talk about.  I really do need a bathtub.

I noticed that even inside this totally garbage cardboard foil duct tape shield, I felt a difference.  The attacks changed slightly.  Every slight change is extremely important – it means your actions have made a difference, and therefore, there is hope, and further action will make more of a difference.  That leads to more actions in the future and improvements on the shield so that it becomes more effective.

One of the attacks that changed was, something which is always being done to the back of my neck and my back.  When I’m sitting here writing this, for example, every few seconds, they are cracking the bones in the back of my neck so that they make a loud, high-pitched crack inside my head.  I’m not moving, I’m just sitting here, and the bones in the back of my neck are just going, ‘crack…. crack…. crack…. crack…’  Other victims have reported exactly the same thing.  When I was in the shield, that stopped happening.

There is also a feeling of energy or electricity going up and down my spine and the back of my neck and the back of my head, and that changed too inside the shield.  This constantly moving energy is distracting and disturbing and it prevents me from thinking and relaxing.  I was able to just relax, and the constant zinging up and down my spine, neck, and head was so greatly reduced that I was able to concentrate.  I kept expecting it to come, and it did not.

Outside the shield, there is absolutely nothing that you can do, under normal circumstances, to make them stop attacking you.  Nothing.  The only reason why they *ever* stop attacking you is because they *can’t*.  You can sit there quietly, you can relax as much as possible, you can silence your mind, but NOTHING will EVER make them stop clicking your neck, clicking your bones, running the energy up and down your spine, and so on.  Nothing makes them stop.  It has nothing to do with being more relaxed, expectations, the placebo effect, or anything, and I know this because I’ve been aware of mind control attacks since 2003, 11 years now.  There is absolutely nothing I can do psychologically, in terms of a placebo effect, that makes the attacks stop when I am outside a shield.  They never stop voluntarily, they never stop to be nice, they never stop to cooperate with my imaginary placebo effects – NOTHING EVER MAKES THEM STOP except being UNABLE TO ATTACK.  That is how I know the shield did something.  They NEVER voluntarily stop attacking just to be nice or just to fool me into believing that my magic is working.

If my shield wasn’t working, they would demonstrate to me that it wasn’t working, and in fact, they did.  I knew that the shield would do little or nothing, and I wasn’t expecting much, but yet, I still observed some very minor, small, subtle changes in the attacks.  And yet, they still attacked – they forced my eyelids to keep popping open while I was trying to keep my eyes closed, and they forced images into my head several times.  Once, they cracked my neck again, and then I turned the whole shield about 90 degrees around so I was lying a different angle, to find out if this was a line-of-sight attack.  It took a little while before they did that crack-of-neck attack, and after I turned 90 degrees sideways, it didn’t happen again.  There is a delay.  It’s as though somebody somewhere has to drive a car to a different position in order to do another line of sight attack.  Something has to be moved from one place to another, out there in the world, in order to attack me again.

I have noticed these delays in the attacks before, back when I had a car.  I would drive my car somewhere else, then sit and meditate in the car.  The attacks would change for a couple of minutes after I moved my car from one place to another.  Then they would start again.  Jesse himself might have subconsciously noticed this too, because back when his car was working, he would relieve stress by just driving around town, but not going a long distance, and not getting on the highways.  He would drive down random roads around the local area on impulse, which is what I myself did too when I was observing these delays in the attacks.  His car is broken down now, and actually I’m happy that he’s not driving a car, because he is a dangerous driver and I don’t want him to get killed.  Maybe he wouldn’t be such a dangerous driver if he weren’t on drugs and/or being attacked constantly, but nevertheless, he scares me when he drives.

Again, I tested it many times.  The attackers never do anything just to be nice.  They never cooperate with any magic tricks or placebos.  You can pray, you can beg, you can try to obey whatever thoughts they want to force you to think, but no amount of obedience or any other action that you can do, mentally, will ever stop them from attacking.  The only thing that ever stops them from attacking is if they CAN’T.  So if ANYTHING YOU DO ever makes the SLIGHTEST CHANGE in the attacks, then you know that you have done something real which really had an effect.  It is NEVER a placebo effect.  It is a real effect, and you should do it again and make it stronger.  The shield has an effect, so it needs to be strengthened and improved.  Sitting in a bathtub has an effect, so it needs to be done more often, but I don’t have a tub upstairs, and the downstairs one is shared by everyone, and not only is it disgusting, filthy, and full of Maryjo’s antidepressant drug residues, I don’t feel secure because people could walk into the house at any moment, and they need to use the bathroom downstairs, or they just make noise.  Also, I do get attacked in the tub – they make my neck bones click repeatedly.  It’s just that there are other changes that are hard to describe, such as anxiety levels and flow of energy.

Other people need shields – I know quite a few people who are being attacked by ‘ghosts’ and ‘poltergeists.’  These people need shields.  They’ve tried other methods, such as using magic, pouring lines of salt on the floor, and such.  It doesn’t work.  I know several people who are being stalked and haunted by ghosts.  They don’t have to agree with my interpretation of what it is, they only need to be willing to try a shield.  It is actually extremely commonplace to be stalked and attacked by demons – it’s really popular nowadays.  You can just walk out and ask someone if they’ve ever had any paranormal experiences, demons, hauntings, any kind of creature or entity stalking them, and a surprisingly large number of people will say yes, and they’ll open up and talk to you about it as long as you express the right attitudes and emotions while listening to them – don’t show disdain or disapproval or a ‘you’re crazy’ attitude.  You might not agree, but, they are experiencing and observing *something*.  It is extremely common.  They attack children too, and force children to say things that are frightening and disgusting, or things that hint at having lived a past life before they were born, and this stuff is all over the internet – it’s very easy to find.  Everyone’s experiencing it, they just don’t know how to interpret it in a non-paranormal, non-supernatural, non-demonic way.  They don’t know that it’s human beings attacking them with electronic weapons, and all they need is a shield.

I have other things to do today, but I tested this and it was worthwhile.  I have so little time.  Three days off isn’t enough.  But it’s much better than I had before.  I already did one test of a project I’ve wanted to do forever.  That is why I’m here, in this house, putting up with Maryjo’s crazy beliefs about my cats disrupting her cats when they’re not.  I don’t have to put up with this forever, I only need to do a couple things that require a house or electricity, and then, I can move on.

depressed, angry, but at least I have three days off starting now – my landlady doesn’t like my cats or my beliefs about cat freedom, cats being intelligent wild creatures, etc – she sees them as just robotic objects that we control

October 13, 2014

10:44 AM 10/13/2014

I’m in a bad mood right now. But, I am off work today. I’m at home. My landlady MaryJo just told me not to let my cats roam around the house when she’s not around. That’s because she was away briefly this morning and then came home, and she’s off work, and I had my bedroom door open and was letting Max run around with me because I was about to do the laundry. Max was on her bed. She said something insane and untrue, which was, my cats were upsetting her cats, while actually they were both just lying there quietly and peacefully.

She doesn’t understand that cats want to socialize too and they enjoy the presence of other cats. She thinks that her two cats want to just own this house by themselves forever and be left alone forever. She goes to work and leaves her spayed female cat in the house by itself with the radio on, thinking that the radio comforts the cat. (All that I can imagine, if someone did that to me, is myself saying, ‘Oh my god! Where can I go in this house to escape that horrible sound!’ It is public radio, with classical music, so it’s not as horrible as some radio stations, but still.)

She said that my cats don’t care if they’re locked in my room all the time. That was in a previous conversation, when I came home after working both jobs for a couple days, and I let them outside and was walking around with them outdoors while I picked the ‘mock
strawberries’ or ‘Indian strawberries,’ which are different from ‘wild strawberries,’ which is what I always called them. These little things are tasteless. I eat them all the time. They grow everywhere. I walked around outside with the cats and I said I was spending some ‘quality time’ with them after having been away working for the past few days. That’s when she claimed that the cats don’t care and it doesn’t matter if you keep them locked in the room forever. She implied that it doesn’t matter if I keep them company or not.

She doesn’t understand that these are wild animals with a rich, complex social life, who are supposed to be outdoors hunting and interacting with other cats and having a purpose and something to do. She only sees the spayed and neutered and declawed cats who are so depressed, fat, and exhausted that all they do is lie on the bed all day long and eat the dry food that she gives them. (Spaying or neutering an animal causes it to get fat, and it is the primary cause of obesity in domesticated animals.) She only gives them dry food, never wet food, and she brags happily that they won’t touch wet food if it’s offered to them, as though they’re better than that. She doesn’t understand that these are living animals, not robots, and that they evolved to eat raw meat, not fake little grain pellets with some meat flavoring and toxic synthetic minerals and vitamins added to them.

There’s stuff I need to do, but my body hurts and I’m depressed. It’s very cloudy outside too, and cold, and the weather affects how I feel. I’m also drinking decaf coffee, although I could get more caffeine if I wanted to. Caffeine cheers me up and makes me hopeful and optimistic again. I know it’s there if I decide I need it.

Jesse and I want to work on starting our own business. I had to postpone it because I was working such horrible hours and was half dead. I had no free time. I will from now on, though.

I’m just angry and I don’t even want to see Mary Jo, so I don’t want to go downstairs and do anything. If I do anything, it might be an errand that involves leaving the house. I just feel bad for Max, either being stuck outside where it’s cold, or in my bedroom where it’s warm but boring and quiet.

Somebody caught a mole last night, though. I’m proud of them. I’ve heard rumors of declawed cats catching mice, so I don’t know which cat it was, whether it was Jacob, Max, or even Conner if he was outside. They didn’t eat the mole, they left it there by our steps, so I moved it to the backyard.

Gigi isn’t allowed out, even though she is a huge, fat, spayed, waddling whale who only eats dry food and couldn’t run to save her life. Mary Jo says that Gigi used to be feral, so she won’t let her outside again because she’s scared she will go back to being feral – ha ha, not gonna happen, not after being spayed and having all the life sapped out of her. When I first came here, I let Gigi outside while Mary Jo was out of town, because I didn’t know Gigi wasn’t allowed out. I watched her, and she just stayed right nearby. When Mary Jo came back, she said that Gigi seemed to be wanting to go out again, but she wasn’t allowed out, so I never let her out again. She had started going to the door and hoping someone would open it. She doesn’t try anymore now since I only did it that one time. But Gigi absolutely will never run away and become feral again – Mary Jo is being totally unrealistic. Gigi can barely waddle from her bed to the arm of the chair where she sits with Mary Jo.

I know about socionics, but even with socionics, it’s still hard to live with other people, especially when someone owns the house and has the right to throw you out. Mary Jo is an LSE, so she’s in Delta, but she still annoys me. Rationals and irrationals still have some conflicts. I’d have to live in a house full of nothing but Delta irrationals (I could call them ‘perceivers,’ which is a less negative term). But even then, there might be problems. There is such a thing as ‘stupid people.’ My mom is an LSE too, but she’s nowhere near as stupid as Mary Jo. She understands animals much, much better than Mary Jo does, although I still disagree with some of the things my mom does, but I don’t live there now. Mom probably would disagree with some of my beliefs now if she knew what I believed – raw meat diets for cats, and not just ‘meat,’ but organ meats and fats – total freedom, cat doors to let them in and out, no vaccines, no shots of any kind, no flea sprays or pesticides, etc. She would say that’s too ‘extreme.’

I just had to get this out of my system. I was angry and depressed, and also I have that fear and insecurity, that feeling that if I make Mary Jo angry too much, she could throw me out. I don’t have a lot of belongings, but even so, it’s extremely inconvenient to have to suddenly find another place without warning. I’d love to live at Jesse’s house. I’d camp in his backyard if I had to. But he doesn’t like living there and doesn’t want me to live there.

overcaffeinated, judgmental, irritable, and unrested

October 10, 2014

11:01 AM 10/10/2014

I’m at McD sitting in the lobby on my lunch break. I took a fragment of a caffeine pill this morning. The first thing it did was give me a panicky feeling, which then went away. Then it had an
anti-inflammatory effect, making most of the pain in my body go away. I didn’t take the whole pill because they make me sick at my stomach.

Now I’m here at work, and I’ve noticed that the pill makes me judgmental and irritable. For example, I’m very irritated at our maintenance guy today – he’s not the same guy we used to have – this guy is probably an SEE, not the LSE guy who I liked. I like this guy too, as a person – he’s nice – but I think he can’t do his job.

There’s this filter thing where we pour grease from the grill grease traps, and he can’t fix it. All you have to do is take it off and wash it out and it will get unclogged. The SLI manager guy usually does it, so the maintenance guy, who’s supposed to do MAINTENANCE, is not even trying to fix it, he’s just ignoring it, and slowly walking around and talking to people and stuff. He walks right past things that blatantly, obviously need to be done, like my trash can with the trash bag half-lying over top of it, which needed to be put into the trash can, but I couldn’t because our trash bags are flawed – we should return them for a refund – they stick shut, and then rip down the side if you can finally get them opened up – so we’re using whatever other trash bags we have. We have other types of trash bags, they’re just wrong for our type of trash cans, or too thin, too small, etc, but we’ve been using those because we have to. Even after I finally got a bag that was able to be opened up and put into the can, he walked right by it dozens of times without stopping to put it in. I am constantly interrupted from every tiny task because I was working in drive-thru taking orders, and you must constantly drop what you’re doing and run and take an order when the headset beeps.

I’m trying to tone down my irritability and not say too many things out loud. I’m very bitchy, and I’ve been making sarcastic comments. I even wrote an angry note about a problem we’ve had for months – the door in the women’s bathroom is hanging crooked, and people are too stupid to figure out that it’s able to lock, you just have to sort of push it hard and in the right direction while trying to lock it. People are not skillful enough to do that, so they leave it unlocked, and then I walk in on them, and I hear people claiming, ‘That door doesn’t lock,’ and stuff, when actually it does. They won’t fix it, because it’s not ***THE MEN’S BATHROOM***, and since our upper level managers and maintenance people are male, they don’t hear about this and don’t care unless we tell them, repeatedly. I walked in on someone today when I was in a hurry to run to the bathroom during a slower moment and I didn’t have any orders.

I’m hoping next week will be easier – I will have rested and had three days off. I’m going into this weekend with almost no rest at all. I’m sleeping two or three hours between jobs, riding my bike home, and my bike has a technical problem which is dangerous and needs to be fixed, a problem with the gears and gear shift. It actually caused me to fall once – I put all my weight down on the pedal, which moved suddenly because it disconnected from the gears and went in between, and I fell off my bike, but fortunately I was stopped at the time. I could have died if I had fallen off my bike in front of a car. I don’t have time to take my bike to get fixed. I will next week.

I don’t have a lot of time left. I also have to go to TB today after I get out of here. I’m only doing two days with both jobs this week, but next week it will be four days of both jobs, then three days off, so that I can still make enough money. I doubt that I will quit caffeine any time soon, but I’m still drinking decaf whenever possible. That *slightly* reduces my caffeine intake – decaf has a little bit of caffeine left in it, just much less than normal coffee.

I should post this and get ready to punch back in. I have a lot more to say (since I’m overcaffeinated) but will have to save it for later.

I have a mild cold, but it hasn’t gotten bad yet; still just waiting for my days off

October 7, 2014

11:01 AM 10/7/2014

Yesterday I worked alongside a guy who has had a cold now for a couple of weeks. He’s still trying to show up for work as much as he can, even though he wants to call off sick. I believe he’s probably an ILI, but I’m not quite sure. He and I have always gotten along really well. He always uses a lot of caffeine, or at least he used to when he worked overnights, and he drank energy drinks and stuff, which often made him very irritable. Strangely, he loves Harry Potter and has read it again and again, even though some people have typed JK Rowling as his conflictor, ESE. I used to read Nathaniel Branden over and over, and some people have typed him EIE, although I have actually considered ESI sometimes too for him. I would still be reading Nathaniel Branden and working on my self-esteem if it were not for the psychotronic attacks, which make it impossible for me to have any spiritual progress or to think any challenging thoughts or have any deep realizations about myself. The soul murderers interrupt every thought after a second or two.

Yesterday we both worked in back booth in drive thru. He took orders and I took the cash. He had to sit back there because it was the only place he could tolerate – he was able to sit in a chair and not move around a lot and not have a lot of stress. So I was close to him for hours and hours. However, I’ve been around him many times during these weeks that he’s been sick, and I haven’t gotten sick. It was just that I was with him in a smaller space for a longer time.

Finally, I caught the cold. In the middle of the night tonight I had a little bit of a stuffy nose. My stuffy nose is not really noticeable right now though, and I just feel tired and somewhat painful, but I’m not really sick.

I’m still drinking decaf coffee at home. I drink real coffee at work sometimes, and have especially been drinking it recently in the last few days, because I am so exhausted from having no time off. Because of drinking decaf, I have less of an urge to blog.

I want to try again to build a shield. I’ve been reading about EMF shielding again. It is easy to build a foil shield that reduces cell phone frequencies enough that your cell phone won’t work. People have done this on youtube. You just put it in a box, wrap it in foil, and then try to call the phone, and it won’t ring. That is the shield that I will try first, because it’s all I can afford, and I will simply observe the effects of reducing cell phone frequencies. I’m not claiming that cell phones are the cause of my problems, I’m just saying, that’s the only type of shield I can afford to build right now, so I might as well observe what happens when cellular frequencies are reduced. I don’t expect it to help me much. It’s just the only thing I can do. If I am able to observe any changes at all in my sensations, my perceptions, how my body feels, what I experience in my brain while meditating, that will encourage me to keep trying. If I can make any changes at all, that will empower me to try more shielding.

In the real world, before the soul murderers destroyed every living thing on earth, people would meditate inside the earth’s
electromagnetic field. They were not completely shielded from all energy. It is probably not possible or desirable to completely remove all energy from around you. I don’t know yet how much of it I can block, or what type of energy is being used for the attacks. I only know that I have to do something, and shielding is the only thing to do. Ideally, we would make the soul murderers stop attacking, but that means that every single one of them would have to be in jail or dead, and it’s not likely that I will be able to convict any of them of any crime. The police most likely cooperate with them. The police also would fear them, because they are able to attack the police too – any human who walks around outdoors without wearing a shield around their entire body is vulnerable to being attacked and controlled, no matter who they are, and therefore, the police can be attacked by psychotronic weapons as easily as I can.

I happened to read part of a book on amazon.com, called ‘Dear Leader,’ about North Korea. Several things in there sounded like mind control. Kim Jong Il seemed to be taking orders from his dog – no joke. He had a little white Maltese, one of those horrible small dogs, and he was paying more attention to the dog than to anyone else, and the author said he seemed to ‘want to know what the dog was thinking.’ In another incident, a whole group of people started spontaneously crying, which can be caused by an attack. I experienced it not too long ago when I went to Jesse’s church and somebody forced me to weep repeatedly, supposedly to make me fit in and seem genuine rather than indifferent and unmoved. I could tell that I was being forced to weep. The author said his eyes ‘felt hot’ all of a sudden. They had been watching a singer perform, and Kim Jong Il was weeping at the music, and suddenly the whole group of people sitting with him were all weeping too, simultaneously. I could not read much more of the book because it was just a preview.

I had also been researching the mind control incidents in older books, years ago. I found old books in Google Books where people talked about dreams and other things. This was from over a hundred years ago, in the late 1800s, just before 1900, and people were having some experiences that seemed like electronic harassment. They described things that had happened to me.

I need to eat something and take a shower. I don’t have enough energy to keep writing a huge blog, since I’m on decaf. I want to continue quitting coffee and quit it completely. That’s when I’ll start noticing the ephedra much more severely – the caffeine makes it tolerable for me, and when the caffeine is gone, I can feel every molecule of ephedra causing agony for me. I know this place is contaminated and I never finished my decon – I was forced to move out of the other apartment before my decon was done. You can’t do a decon in a hurry – it has to be carefully planned. The soul murderers want me to always fail to remove the ephedra. They want me to be contaminated forever.

When I get a couple days off next week, I have to work on other projects too. I have a couple parts that I need to use the dental drill, but I don’t have it working yet – I still need a few more things. I just have to set up the parts that I do have and find out what I need to do. I’m not going to spend thousands of dollars to buy the entire setup when I don’t know what I’m doing. You have to make sure all the pieces fit together because there are millions of different types of tools and configurations that don’t work with each other, so I’d spend a thousand dollars on something only to find that it wouldn’t work. I have to just test small parts of it together and gradually learn exactly what I need to make it work. I could read about it on the page but not really understand it until I actually held this piece in my hand and saw that it wouldn’t work with some other piece. The words are all gibberish and jargon.

I’ll post this now. I’m just looking forward to more days off next Monday.

The Insanity Schedule will be changing into the Sanity Schedule this week

October 5, 2014

7:23 PM 10/5/2014

Next week I’m getting my Sanity Schedule back, at McD. Starting this Wednesday (our schedules start on Wednesday), I will have Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off. So, this week, I’ll be off on Wednesday from both jobs.

Here is why my schedule has been so crazy for the past couple weeks. When Jesse worked at McD, I was trying to get my manager to schedule me to work at the same time as Jesse. However, I was reluctant to really push for this, and reluctant to talk about it with this manager. No one really understands this kind of thing, and it is a combination of socionics, and social norms, pressuring us not to do it.

I just had this feeling that I wasn’t allowed to demand to be scheduled at the same exact time as my boyfriend every day, because our society disvalues personal relationships, and they won’t say, ‘Aw, isn’t that wonderful, you guys need to be together.’ Instead, they say, ‘You’d better keep it quiet and not let it bother or disturb anybody else. We don’t want to see that.’ Imagine a world where people valued love relationships so much that they understood you want to make major life changes and major sacrifices to be with your loved one. If they needed your support in the workplace, you’d work with them. Jesse and I enjoyed working together, and I wanted to make sure that his workdays went smoothly, and I wanted to teach him things I knew.

So I was able to get my manager to try to overlap our schedules a little bit, so that we might work in the same building together for an hour or two before I left – he usually did overnights. But we might not be in the same area, so we really couldn’t interact.

There are a lot of reasons why Jesse quits his jobs. I was trying to help prevent him from quitting. But he quit anyway. At this time in his life, he lives at home with his parents, so he has food and shelter, so it isn’t an emergency if he doesn’t have a job. That makes him able to not really care about keeping a job. I was thrown out of my parents’ house, so I could not stay home and ‘mooch off of’ my dad, as he said back then, although in the years since then, they have mellowed out some, and Mom sends me birthday or Christmas money, and when I go home to visit, they wish I would stay. Jesse argues with his family, but they haven’t completely thrown him out on the street yet. If they do, I’m here.

Anyway, so the schedule. I told my manager that my availability was open again, so I could work at any time, so that I’d be able to match Jesse’s schedule. I just left it that way after Jesse quit. So I’ve had open availability except for the days I was working at TB.

My manager didn’t know exactly what time I was going to TB, because I changed that – I started doing evenings again there. And I have a bad memory, and couldn’t remember the exact hour when I was available there, and had to ask them (it starts at 6pm) again. So we went several days with my McD manager not knowing exactly when I worked at TB, and one day, he had accidentally scheduled me to work at McD when I was working at TB, and we had to get someone to replace me. (Thank you Baljeet, the Indian lady.) After that, he ended up just avoiding the two days I worked at TB, and wouldn’t schedule me at all on those days, for fear of not knowing exactly what time he could schedule me. So, it ended up in the worst case scenario – I worked at McD for a bunch of days in a row, without a day off, and then, on my only two days off at McD, I was scheduled to work at TB instead. So I worked one job or the other constantly, all this time, for the past couple weeks.

I suddenly broke down and changed my availability again: Mon-Tues-Wed off, and then sheer hell on Thurs-Fri-Sat-Sun at both jobs. I wrote ‘ASAP’ for when I wanted this availability to begin. There always was a note that said that if you change your availability or put in a request off, you should do it way in advance, like two or three weeks in advance, so I was expecting that it would be two or three weeks before my new availability kicked in, but no, he did it immediately.

I won’t have the three days off this week yet. It starts Wednesday, and I’ll only have Wednesday off.

For the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to do things like laundry or cooking. I did cook once. I can also barely go grocery shopping, and when I do, I don’t want to buy large amounts of food that will spoil because I don’t have time to cook it. I just keep getting up out of bed and going to work every single day, without a break, on and on and on, with no time of my own. My room is getting more and more disgusting – I need new cat litter (or else I need to train the cats to use the toilet, but the toilet doesn’t flush very well, so… and I don’t have time to train them). I need to vaccuum and continue cleaning this place, I need to do everything. But I am just keeping it in my mind that this week is when the new schedule begins. It won’t be this coming Monday, but the next one, where I will start having three days off in a row again. Then I might slightly have something resembling a life again.

I absolutely cannot do ANYTHING right now. Jesse and I were trying to start our own business, but I’m so exhausted and have no free time and have to go to work every single day, so we can’t work on it. But we will again.

Time passes slowly inside a vortex

October 1, 2014

Maybe it’s because I had caffeine yesterday, after going decaf for a couple days, but maybe it’s something else.

I came home from work earlier than usual today, and went to bed. I woke up later, and I felt as though it was about 2 or 3 in the morning, and thought that I would have to get up and go to work in only a couple hours. I had that awful feeling of knowing that I wouldn’t get much more sleep, and the alarm would be going off very soon.

I looked at the clock, and it was only 11 something PM. It wasn’t even midnight yet! I’ve noticed there are days when I perceive time as passing slowly, or passing fast. I’ve always wondered if it is objectively true: does time *actually* pass slowly or fast on those days? Are humans somehow able to accurately sense the real, objective speed of the passage of time? Is time some kind of dimension that we are really able to measure? Can it be thicker or thinner at some point in space and time?

At work today, there were thunderstorms approaching, very slowly. It seemed to take all afternoon for the thunderstorms to get to us. They always seemed to be right next to us, but not quite here. I noticed this because I was taking orders on drive-thru at McD and I could look out the window all afternoon.

As the storm got close, the wind started to blow, very strongly and persistently, and it just kept blowing and blowing and didn’t stop – it scared me, and I felt like it was a tornado. I had this weird sensation in my head and body, this feeling that we were losing pressure, and I also felt like electricity was running through the floor. The feeling of pressure loss was so intense I felt like I was going to pass out, and this feeling went on for hours.

I finally looked at the weather map. We are directly underneath the big letter L on the map, a low pressure zone! It’s staying right over top of us right now, and the atmosphere is swirling around us in a giant vortex, forming thunderstorms and clouds. The vortex seems to be resisting the atmospheric flow. Normally the atmosphere moves over top of us as the earth turns, and the air all goes from west to east. But that swirling vortex is staying right in place over us as all the other air sort of comes in behind it from the west.

Maybe something about this situation affects my experience of time. Time passes more slowly, or maybe faster? in a high gravity situation. I can’t remember which it is. It has something to do with lots of gravity. It changes the speed of time. A clock on planet earth moves at a different speed than a clock hanging in space just above the earth. If there is not much air above me because this is a low pressure zone, maybe this is sort of low gravity, or high gravity, or something, I don’t know.

I just can’t remember which type of gravity makes time go slower. It’s just going amazingly, impossibly slowly right now. I’d have to do a google search and that would take a couple of minutes.

I’m not even joking, this is a real theory. I really think that something about being inside an atmospheric vortex, directly underneath the letter L on the weather map, in a low pressure zone, with all the atmosphere swirling around us and resisting movement across the map from left to right, might be affecting my perception of the speed of time. I don’t know how the brain-body senses the speed of time, but it does. People are able to say, verbally, that time is going faster or slower today. If we are able to say that, then we are perceiving something. We must have some kind of sense that measures it. How does that sense work? Is it magnetic, is it gravity, is it something about the atmosphere?

If the atmosphere always goes over us from west to east, maybe we somehow use that to gauge how fast the earth is turning. Maybe we somehow recognize that Point A in the atmosphere is moving quickly over us from west to east, even without looking at the sky. I’ve been lying in bed, not looking at the clouds, so I couldn’t see with my eyes that the clouds seemed to be not going anywhere. Maybe we can feel the character of electrical fields in the sky going over us, and we use that to measure how fast the atmosphere is passing by overhead, which approximates how fast the earth is turning.