spent the day lying around resting, feeling like a truck ran over me. don’t know what the problem is. my muscles feel weak and sore and exhausted. i have no energy. my head hurts. barely able to move or hold my head up or walk around.
wasted day. didn’t get anything done at all.
i got a little bit of rest. i even have a sense of humor again.
a long time ago there was a show called ‘night court.’ there was a tinfoil hat guy (if i’m remembering the right show) who used to say that he was in the mental hospital, but he’d say ‘i’m feeling muuuuch better now,’ in a scary, creepy way. it might have been ‘newhart’ and it might have been ‘cheers.’ i remember back in the days when i used to watch television, i watched those shows with my parents. that was a pleasant memory.
i drove across town, and parked at tudek park. i rested in the car. i didn’t fall asleep, except for a few seconds when i was hypnotized, but the rest of the time, i just laid there awake but resting. i’ve done this before, just go sit in the car at the park, and it made me feel better. it worked this time too.
at first, i could still hear some voices. there are unavoidable, quiet voices that seem to happen everywhere. but the leg torture wasn’t happening. my legs felt just fine when i went across town and tried to sleep there.
after lying there about 15 minutes, somebody starting ’slipping’ or ‘buzzing’ the place where my leg was pressed against the steering wheel. if you press part of your body against a hard surface, they will buzz the spot until it slips and gradually moves into a slightly different position. if you don’t know you’re being attacked, it seems as though it’s just ordinary friction. but they will also make the muscles twitch around that location, and they also give it a recognizable tickling sensation just before the slip happens. i believe this particular attack is an ultrasonic attack, but i’m not sure. anything ‘physical,’ such as objects moving or making clicking noises, is probably sonic. (it’s easier to imagine sound waves being able to vibrate things and move them.)
i adjusted the steering wheel so it was no longer against my leg. so that stopped happening.
they banged on my window a bunch of times, making a clicking noise as though an acorn or something fell from a tree, but there’s nothing there. after doing that a few times, they quit for some reason, instead of doing it continuously.
after a while, most of the attacks seemed to stop. i still couldn’t sleep, but i was able to rest. and i was getting a little bit of sunlight, which cheered me up. it’s good to get a little bit of sun on your skin and in your eyes. the air was fresher, too – not moldy like in my house.
there were people at the park, people with kids, talking and laughing and playing around. it also cheered me up to be around people.
so… i’m watching a harry potter movie for the 621st time, for comfort, and i will start working again on the house. i play the movies whenever i have to do unpleasant housework.
i figured i would let everyone know that i was somewhat cheerful again.
i keep writing more blogs because i am getting hit with various drugs while going through stuff; and i tried to take a nap, which sjw makes me do, but i napped for only a few minutes (when one of the murderers forced me asleep) and then woke up very quickly afterwards (when a murderer forced me awake). then they were continually torturing my legs, making me wiggle my feet, and buzzing the air bubbles in my stomach.
since i have been hit with drugs several times, these things are triggering rage much more than usual. it hasn’t yet been enough rage to make me punch the wall with my hand, or scream out loud, or throw something across the room, all of which i have done before.
i need to sleep, because if i slept really well, i would wake up happy and refreshed, and i would probably be able to pack up the rest of my belongings pretty quickly, and actually be cheerful about it too.
also, all day they’ve been bugging me because ‘glow’ is a weak translation of ‘albright,’ and they wanted me to find a better translation. ‘lex’ is fine with me if you think of ‘lex luthor,’ which is what i was getting at. i had seen something on the web mentioning a person by that name (m. luther) who was in iowa, and it was an older person, from the early part of the 1900s. i forget where i saw that reference or what it had to do with.
albright could be ‘all right,’ which is ‘okay,’ ‘fine,’ ‘good,’ etc. or it could be something else that means ‘all,’ like ‘omni’ or something, with a synonym for ‘bright.’ i do agree that glow is a sloppy, hasty translation.
they were pestering me about the weak translation, and since i was enraged, i was fighting back against them, because i am trying to block him out of my mind, and they keep reminding me of him, every day, over and over again. so every time they were saying the words ‘lex glow’ to me, i was responding to them by threatening to kill them, even though i don’t know who they are or where they are and have no way of finding out where the voices are coming from. they were saying those words, while simultaneously triggering a fake, induced emotion of shame and humiliation.
anytime i do anything which is the slightest bit imperfect, dorky, or whatever, they remind me about it again and again all day long – this includes things like minor typographical errors sometimes – and they trigger the fake shame. so they were doing that to me all morning.
then they were saying ‘you crossed the second line’ because i put his real name up. supposedly i have to perform a series of tests in order to ‘win’ the ‘game.’ they also are hinting that i have to say something to one of his family members, and i am not looking forward to that. obviously, it will be another forced incident just like all the other ones.
i sometimes hate being ‘thin-skinned’…
i am throwing away some clothes which are contaminated. i know from experience that when i would try to wear them, the drugs would go through my skin, and i would be uncomfortable for hours, and it wouldn’t go away, and i could wash them dozens of times – i tried – and it won’t wash out. i’m handling stuff that has a more benign residue, something like st. john’s wort possibly, not ephedra. most of the really bad ephedra stuff is already long gone.
however, even though i know that i have to get rid of this stuff, it is heartbreaking to throw it away.
this has happened ever since i was a young child. i project feelings onto physical objects as though they are alive. i threw away a pair of old moldy shoes that had been soaked with water. they were sitting in a plastic bag alongside an empty bottle of starbucks frappucino.
i took out the bottle of frappucino and put it into my kitchen trash. then, i took the shoes down separately to the dumpster.
right away, i started thinking, the shoes had sat there with the starbucks bottle for so long, that they were friends and they would miss each other now that they were separated. it actually hurt me to put the starbucks bottle into a separate trash can than i was putting the moldy old shoes into. i guess i could bring the kitchen trash down and put it in the dumpster right now if i really wanted to.
but when this happens, when objects have feelings, i have to tell myself, these are not people, these are not animals, these are not my friends, family, children, they are not alive. material objects are nothing.
when i was a little kid, i never threw away an old toothbrush whenever the dentist gave me a new one. i kept all the old toothbrushes under the bathroom sink in the cabinet. i kept them there for years and didn’t do anything with them. one time, my mom found this hoard and threw most of it away. i had several incidents like that, of hoarding things because objects had feelings and they didn’t want to get thrown in the trash.
i was reading about scientology. scientology has a purification protocol. it’s different from mine. in theirs, you take large amounts of vitamins. in mine, i avoid using vitamins because the vitamins themselves can be dangerous and cause more problems. anyway, i haven’t read the detailed instructions on how to do scientology’s ‘purification rundown,’ but i wonder if they have any knowledge about contaminated clothing with drug residues that go through the skin. they did mention something about using that purification rundown to help people who were working on cleaning up meth labs. meth labs are similar to my ephedra residues, in fact, ephedra is often used in meth labs, and it would be one of the residues that they are cleaning out of the area. they would have exactly the same experience with an extremely toxic, heart-attack-and-stroke inducing drug going directly through the skin and contaminating the clothing. so i wonder whether they (scientology) know about that phenomenon or not. i haven’t read about this anywhere else, not in quite the level of detail that i have observed it.
anyway i wish that i had support, from somebody somewhere on earth, who could say to me, ‘yes, you’re right – there really are drug and chemical residues on those clothes you’re throwing away, and yes, you’re right, they won’t wash out in the laundry.’
i hate throwing things away. i wish i didn’t have to do it.
but i am reminding myself that the goal is to prepare for having children. the children cannot touch these residues. and i cannot touch them either, or it will be hard to get pregnant and not miscarry. not only that, it triggers incidents of ‘unpredictable behavior’ which put me at risk of people calling the police on me.
i was already ‘anti-gift’ before this contamination incident. now i am even MORE anti-gift. i HATE receiving gifts. it’s more junk and clutter that will have to be moved from one apartment to the next. if you give me a gift, then you must be responsible for lifting it and carrying it up and down the stairs and renting out extra storage space to put it in, and cleaning it off when it gets contaminated.
it’s possible to find a gift that i would enjoy receiving, but even i myself can’t describe what type of gift that would be, i mean a nonliving physical object type of gift.
it’s easier to throw things away whenever they are plain and not unique, when they are practical and functional instead of decorative, whenever they don’t have any faces or images of animals or people or living things on them. i get the creeps from amish dolls that don’t have any faces, but at the same time, i feel that way too – that it’s even more painful when a toy or doll gets destroyed or thrown away, if it has a cute face or a sad face and you can project feelings onto it. if something is blank and faceless it’s easier to get rid of it or accept that it gets destroyed.
so, for instance, it’s easier for me to throw away my plain white socks, which tend to get the most contaminated because of being in my shoes which touch the carpet – anything which gets near or on the carpet gets contaminated.
i am buying really cheap clothes at goodwill, and avoiding anything that’s unique. it has to be generic and something that i don’t like all that much, yet i have to be able to tolerate wearing it for a while.
i was really excited because i found a pair of pants that were made out of tencel. and i think they were $0.29 (for some reason, they changed it to 29 instead of 25). tencel is a fabric that i really like – it’s like cotton, except it’s manmade – and a few years ago, i had a couple of shirts that were… inappropriate to be worn in public, i should say, which were tencel and very soft and very thin. the fabric is drastically different from polyester – i loathe polyester, i can’t stand it, i can’t stand how it feels. but tencel feels just like cotton, but even softer and more rippling. it breathes, and it doesn’t get staticky. i cannot wear staticky fabrics, especially with long hair.
anyway, i found those tencel pants, and right away i said no, i refuse to buy these. i could not bear to throw away something so nice as a 29 cent pair of tencel pants when that was such a wonderful find. every time i get ready to buy something, i ask myself if i can imagine throwing it away.
after i go to the new place, the carpet won’t be contaminated. but my car seat will still be, and also the car floor. but i expect that my clothing will be reusable – i am praying that i will work, that i won’t have the contamination problem anymore, when i no longer have pants leg cuffs dragging on the carpet. it will be greatly reduced, but not completely gone, with the little bit still in the car.
well… back to cleaning up.
i went to the chuck palahniuk website a few days ago; it was associated with thinking about martin. the hyperactive enneagram sevens are personified there.
they’ve been talking to me about how chuck palahniuk’s father was killed, and how his books are partly an expression of the rage from that.
i have voices pretending to be newbies, but of course i can’t know if they really are newbies. there will be real newbies only if i deliberately go hunting for them, and invite them to my sites. i don’t have an organized admission system yet. that’s something i read in diana leafe christian’s books – that the admission process is important for any intentional community. it filters out members who aren’t really serious, and it communicates the missions and values to new people so that they know exactly what they’re doing and how it will be done.
i believe that no group, no social movement, will survive unless its people meet locally and eat meals together. they have been reminding me that holding hands is very important. we will take hands before a meal. meals must be several times a week. i would like meals to be very frequent. that is the only way a group survives. DLC also said that singing together is important. so it will be like a church in that respect. i don’t know what we will sing. it doesn’t have to be a lot. this community is a ‘way of life.’ it’s not just something that you do on the side.
groups must have reliable routines that occur frequently and regularly. members must trust that the routines will happen again and again – they can’t be sporadic or intermittent. the routines cannot just happen whenever we spontaneously feel like doing them. so we need schedule-oriented people to help enforce this.
this is a day when i get manic and impatient, and frustrated. i want everything to be already started now. nothing exists yet, but i have these ‘newbies’ in my head getting excited about the idea of a group.
***
someone tried to explain to me how it is that the artificial intelligence (or artificial stupidity) is able to respond and interact so quickly with the victims. it makes people wonder if they have an implanted chip, or nanotech, because the response sometimes seems very fast. i am still going to assume that it comes from outside, not inside. once you learn that people can be manipulated without any implants, then you can draw the conclusion that everyone everywhere is vulnerable, a potential puppet. there are people who do have implants, but i’m saying, they are able to do almost everything without needing implants.
the libertarian party: harry browne and others complained that the libertarian party was weakened because they stopped doing an official ‘membership drive.’ they used to deliberately go out and try to get a certain number of new members, according to a goal. then they stopped doing that. people are now complaining that the libertarian party is corrupted and useless.
that could be true, and i am not going to spend my energy working with the libertarian party – i used to think that i might possibly do that. but it was after i read the news article,’evidence mounts that the vote was hacked’ (or ‘has been hacked,’ i forget the exact words) that i decided it wasn’t worth wasting effort on voting. i never saw another news article like that one. i think it’s a taboo subject, censored out, not allowed to talk about.
they complain about voting machines, and yeah, voting machines do suck – i used one the last time i voted – try doing a write-in vote and you’ll see how awful it is. it’s easy to use unless you want to vote for somebody who isn’t on their list. but it wasn’t the voting machines that were the problem. the problem was because all the votes were recorded on an ordinary computer in an ordinary excel file and sent across the internet to another ordinary computer, which was getting hacked into and someone just had to rewrite the numbers, and that was all. nothing complicated.
that was one of the last straws making me officially an anarchist. what type of anarchist? there are so many types. my feeling is, the government is within – i am the government (or ‘we are’ the government) – i am responsible for making the rules and creating a community that lives by those rules, or joining an existing intentional community.
that means that we are responsible for some unpleasant things that we wish didn’t exist, such as the people in prison, and sick people, and interacting with other existing governments that disagree with us. all of those things are real, and difficult, and expensive, and we are responsible for doing something with them. a religion is similar to a government in some ways, except that you are allowed to leave. you can quit being part of a religion.
if you can’t quit a religion, that’s called a ‘gang.’ or organized crime. it’s not the same thing. if somebody attacks you after you leave a religion, that’s not the type of religion that i’m talking about.
*****
and right now, i’m just writing to entertain myself. i’m waiting until i go to work.
today’s theme was ‘dennis is the peeping tom.’ that’s what they woke me up with. for all i know, he could be. i protect myself by suppressing and denying thoughts like that. whether it’s true or not, i can’t do anything about it.
i use the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ assumption to protect myself against doing ‘vigilante’ behavior, because i have plenty of reasons to be angry at whoever has done these things to me over the years.
they were talking about how i said it was a ‘mere inconvenience’ that i was moving to bellefonte. i’ll say that again: for the stalkers, it is a mere inconvenience that i am moving someplace else. from my point of view, i see continuity: the harassment keeps going, no matter where i go. i’ve driven my car and i’ve been attacked at places very far away. i already know that going to bellefonte might change the style of attacks, the particular details of what happens, the particular voices i hear, but for me, it’s just more attacks.
i was getting death threats again and also somebody claiming to be suicidal. there is no way for me to understand what’s true merely by hearing voices. they *constantly* pretend to be somebody else. they constantly create false and misleading beliefs and interpretations. today’s theme, as i said, was all about dennis and how he was the peeping tom and blah, blah, blah, and he was also the person i was talking to when i was talking to the voices, and all that.
got technical knowledge? i don’t. i’ve skimmed through a variety of reading materials to get a vague idea of what’s being done to me and how it’s being done. however, some people out there DO have technical knowledge. couldn’t they do something useful with that knowledge? couldn’t they use their weapons to test a shielded box that would actually help the victims?
we wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not ‘perps’ could be trusted to participate in building a shield. the victims will know right away that the shield is working.
‘they’ are incapable of stopping themselves from constant, neverending attacks. in fact, some of it is automated, from an artificial intelligence. it happens and nothing stops it. so if it stops when you get in the shield, you don’t have to ask, ‘are they just pretending to stop?’ there is no second guessing as to whether or not they really are still able to get through the shield.
these people have no self-control. they are PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE of stopping and restraining themselves. if they are physically able to attack you, they will, because they are physically unable not to. so if the attacks stop, the shield is working.
no shield will ever be perfect. somebody will bombard it all day long for months, looking for some way to get through. they are physically incapable of finding something more useful to do with their time. but that doesn’t mean the shield is useless or that it’s not worth building it. it just means that it will never be perfect, it will only be an improvement over being totally vulnerable.
Purpose: the one thing you cannot have while being controlled. You cannot create your own purpose and then be guided by that purpose through every action every day – while also serving someone else’s purpose – it cannot be done.
Purpose: one of Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. One of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. One of the most important questions of your life.
When you step out of the box, they will hear you immediately. They will hear what your purpose is as you use it to guide you throughout the day. But it won’t matter: you will go back to the box every day, and remind yourself of your purpose again. You can plan your actions based on the purpose, and still do them, at least some of them, according to the plan.
Purpose: a reason behind everything you do. As a slave, when you are being controlled, everything looks random and incomprehensible from your point of view.
You can’t understand who is trying to accomplish what. You don’t know the overall strategy. You can’t answer the question, ‘Why are we doing this?’
Inside the box, you can ask ‘why?’ again and again, and answer it yourself.
At the end of the day, you come back and review what goals you achieved that day. Every day, inside the box, you realign yourself with your purpose.
after i wrote that, the voice said ‘hua,’ which is from the usual spelling of ‘whoa’ – martin spells it ‘woah’ because that’s more like how it sounds.
i used to question things like that too and i had some unusual linguistic practices, but i would have to look at my old papers to see. i LIKE him for defying the usual way it’s done, and doing it a better way that makes more sense.
THIS IS WHY I HATE BEING A PUPPET! i say stuff like making fun of his ‘unconfortable’ when that’s not how i really feel! i LIKE the things martin does! i said i was grateful just to get a reply from him, and i was!
I am tempted to post my spam comments for the sheer entertainment value. They have usernames like ’snandyeffola,’ ‘prooreorm,’ ‘jesFisabape,’ and, last but not least, ‘BopWhokBeex,’ which I struggle to say out loud. From now on you can call me BopWhokBeex, if you can.
(I’m in the mood to capitalize my sentences. Don’t know why. No need to overanalyze.)
I disconnected from the internet and was thinking about what I might want to eat. I looked out the window and saw an ambulance pulling into my parking lot, along with a car.
I think what might have happened was, somebody might have called the ambulance while driving, and they pulled off the road, or something, I really don’t know. It had nothing to do with me personally. They pulled off, and went a little further down towards the pond, and a couple people got out of the ambulance and were talking to the people in the car.
However, when I saw the ambulance, and when they stopped, I had a panic attack. ‘Just get out of here,’ I said, and I calmly walked down to my car, looking at the ambulance and wondering if somebody would try to stop me or chase me. I got in my car and left. Nobody chased after me.
I had a panic attack because in 2003, I think, the police were called and I was taken to the mental hospital, because I had been writing letters to a former co-worker at State of the Art, Inc. I was involuntarily committed for five days, but fortunately, at that particular hospital, they did NOT force-drug people who calmly refused drugs. I was calm and ‘well-behaved,’ not fighting or shouting, not showing any intense emotions, so they didn’t drug me. That was very lucky, because at some places, they just drug anybody and everybody even if you refuse. Drugs can have permanent, disabling effects.
So when I see an ambulance – and an incident has recently happened, where I tried publicly ‘outing’ Martin, and also testing the censorship theory, which is that I often believe that certain pages of my blog are not visible to the outside world, if they contain controversial or important information – so that incident happened yesterday, and it could be construed as ‘libel.’ Although I framed it in a way that was not intended to harm his reputation, unless he wanted to have a reputation as a jerk who deliberately seduces girls and then won’t answer their emails, in which case, I might be wrongfully improving his reputation by making him look like an innocent person who can’t understand why he’s losing all of his emails and phone calls – when in fact, he’s doing it deliberately.
Does that make any sense? So anyway. Now, I’m sitting around wondering when the police will be called, because I wrote his full name in my publicly readable blog, and described him in a way which he might think is inaccurate and doesn’t represent the true person he is. Although I think my ‘he can’t help it when emails get lost’ theory is much nicer than the ‘he’s a jerk’ theory. Now I’m wondering if his name got automatically changed to some other name, like Fred Smith (who is Fred Smith and why do I always use him as an example whenever I need a fake name?).
I should post the responses that he’s written to me in recent months, in his note that he gave me and his facebook email replies. The only phrase I can use to describe them is, ‘WTF???’ His responses were exaggerated, irrelevant, had little or no connection to anything I had said. It was like randomly blurting out a bunch of defensive-sounding, I don’t know what the word is for it, ‘bluster?’ ‘You crossed a line which was unacceptable.’ (What line? WTF? That’s what I’m trying to ASK you about!) ‘I never considered anything flirting…’ (WTF? Okay, okay, we weren’t flirting! Friends only! Jeez!) ‘I am getting tired of this…’ (WTF??? I haven’t written an email to you in months, and you’re tired of it? Has something been happening that I don’t know about? Is somebody writing you emails and impersonating me?) And then all of a sudden, here he is reading my other blog, looking at my youtube video, and then mimicking my face and my gesture but adding a middle finger to it as well. WTF?
So I really don’t know what to expect. He’s sort of unpredictable. That’s why I was trying to communicate with him and ask him what he doesn’t want me to do.
Anyway, so if that blog post was libel, using his real name, it’s libel because it wrongfully ruins his reputation as a jerk, and instead, portrays him as a nice, innocent guy. Or at least, that’s what ‘they’ have been joking about all day long (joking, or being cynical, or whatever the word is – they tell me they’re serious, not joking). Me, I’m still doing the ‘he really IS innocent’ interpretation, until the very end when he decides on his own to communicate some more to me. If I had a conversation with him, and he tried to explain what was happening and why it happened, I would try to understand and take him seriously. But I’m imperfect, and I’m also a puppet, and puppets cannot do the mental focus needed to be understanding and compassionate; so sometimes, I say the wrong thing.
Anyway, I protect myself by saying ‘whatever is happening, he can’t help it.’ I have reasons why I use that theory. It protects me from getting angry at a time when I can do nothing. I can’t communicate with him, so what use is it to get angry? As a target, I would be angry 24 hours a day, being the victim of constant attacks that I can’t stop and can’t control. I tell them ‘no,’ I tell them to stop, and they don’t – they just do whatever they want, against my will. I would constantly be angry at invisible people who are far away and unreachable, and even if I could see them or meet them, I still couldn’t stop them from doing what they do. So my way of dealing with this is to suppress the anger. Plus, I used to get angry a lot more when I was using drugs and withdrawing from drugs – they intensify all feelings and emotions, and murderous rage, and everything else that I used to do whenever I was talking to the hackers on the keylogger at work. I’m not using drugs anymore except when I have transdermal residue accidents. I also think the old metal dental filling made me sick and angry more than I am nowadays.
(I think metal earrings and piercings cause metal poisoning, and affect emotions and behavior and health. This includes metal watchbands that touch the skin, and metal eyeglass rims. I am wondering what nonmetallic materials can be used for eyeglasses. Contact lenses are bad in some ways, but eyeglasses might be bad in other ways. However, these are things that a person might do their own tests and observe their own symptoms. Usually if something is severe, you can notice effects very quickly. I noticed it right away whenever I put copper hairpins into my wet hair, and had a tingling sensation on the skin immediately, and then other symptoms after that.)
So I protect myself against anger, because I would be helplessly angry all the time, and not be able to do anything about it. That’s why I keep on saying, Martin can’t help it, he’s not receiving my emails.
(It was ‘they’ who pointed out that I should make fun of how he spells ‘confortable.’ However, I myself don’t mind it that much. In some regions, people pronounce it that way, and it would be an accurate spelling for how it really sounds. I think he is being deliberately rebellious by continuing to spell it that way, or not ‘rebellious,’ but rather, doing it the way that he thinks it should be. I can’t say the word ‘February’ the way it’s spelled. It sounds something more like ‘Febwary’ or ‘Febriary’ or ‘Febuary.’ I had to clarify this, because he had some person commenting on his blog, who made fun of his writing style or something – I didn’t save the comments anywhere, and I don’t remember what was said; he said that he could write a formal essay style if he wanted to, but why do that, since this was just a personal blog? I agree with that; and no, I’m not the person who was making that comment or harassing him about his informal writing style.)
(My other feeling about that is, I was *GRATEFUL* to get a reply from him, ANYTHING AT ALL. He could misspell every single word, deliberately or accidentally, so that I could barely understand a thing he said, but I would be grateful merely to get a response at all. And I wouldn’t be picking on him for how he spelled something. I don’t want to discourage him from writing to me because he thinks I’m going to complain about imperfect punctuation or spelling or grammar, when my own grammar isn’t perfect a lot of the time.)
Well…. so, this morning… ambulance. I drove off in my car for maybe twenty minutes or so, went someplace random, came back, and the ambulance was gone. They had been with another car, and they were all getting out and talking to each other. So something was going on. Like I said, on the one hand, I could tell it had nothing to do with me, but on the other hand, I had a panic attack, and I didn’t know what to expect, because I myself, and Martin, and the attackers, and everybody, is unpredictable.
