Posts Tagged ‘intentional communities’

what kind of group would I myself want to join?

March 4, 2011

9:20 PM 3/4/11

Yes, just as I thought, watching ‘10,000 BC’ again without a stomach virus is much more enjoyable.

It’s getting warmer outside. I should be able to function better now and feel physically healthy enough to do stuff, like clean the house, and open the windows, very soon.

Common themes and similar feelings:

-Amish, intentional communities, ecovillages, groups that live without things that the mainstream takes for granted. (I’m slightly opposed to the idea of ecovillages after reading Julian Simon and valuing the idea of having a dozen children, while most environmentalists are anti-children. I want to advocate our group having lots of children.)

-RDL talking about living a somewhat ascetic life, not having a car, not having an internet connection at home, his wife writing letters by hand and mailing them through snail mail (I’ve talked about handwritten notes many times because of the hackers intercepting my emails).

-The link I just posted in the previous post about the great escape from forum addiction or internet addiction.

-The books I read in, I guess, college? In American Literature class. The Transcendentalists. I got this feeling of manic excitement and energy, a desire to live life. Like on Dead Poets’ Society, the ‘barbaric yawp,’ or whatever, which came from one of those authors and I can’t recall which one. I remember I enjoyed Thoreau and Walt Whitman and some of the others, and I felt this desire to break free and live differently than I was living, this feeling that there was more to life than this.

-The ‘right now’ moment, which I haven’t had enough of, and need more of. Doing something or changing something right now.

I don’t want to completely reject the internet – not at all. I have found very useful things on the net that cannot be found anywhere else. There is great music published for free on the internet, not for sale anywhere, not on CD, not in the stores, and the net is the only place to find this music. That’s just one example. There are also beliefs and ideas and knowledge that I can’t find in the mainstream world around me, and things that might possibly be found in books but it would be very hard. If I had tried to find out about ‘hearing voices’ from the mainstream world around me, then I would be stuck in mental hospitals taking drugs for the rest of my life, because that is the ONLY interpretation and solution the mainstream world offers. For that particular problem, there is *NOTHING* available in the mainstream world around me. Nothing. The only place to find out about electronic harassment is on the internet.

So I am not rejecting the net. I want to restrict its use. I don’t want a government law forbidding people to use the net. (Every time ‘we’ talk about a religious belief, an agreement in a group of people, to do something or not do something, ‘they’ start pushing the idea that ‘this ought to be a law applied universally to everyone.’ It is NOT universal to everyone!) I want people, like myself, to voluntarily choose to restrict access somehow, by making it harder to reach the net, so that when you do go use it, you use it briefly, with a purpose. It means you publish less junk, and more high quality material. It means you try to accomplish a specific, limited goal. It means you know what that goal is before you go do it.

There could be a good side to using my new netbook at wi-fi places: it means that I would be taking more photos with my real camera instead of my phone, because that camera connects to the netbook and it’s easy to upload photos that way. I have a technical problem where I can’t hook my camera to the PC at home and it’s a hassle to upload photos, so if I use the netbook more, I will get back to taking real pictures instead of crappy cell phone pictures. I don’t like paying for those cell phones – it’s $30 a month and I don’t use them enough. I was using Samsung’s phones on a ‘Straight Talk’ connection, which means you buy a card for $30 or $45, once a month, and I barely used them.

What is the order? It’s something that resulted from talking with ‘them,’ and being urged to do something that I partly agree with, but no, it was not something that I initiated on my own.

It is a group that I myself must want to join. I fight battles with ‘them’ over the content of the rules, over what the rules are. I am an SLI, and the order must be something an SLI would like to join. ‘Do what you’re best at’ must be the approach. I don’t want to create a religion like Christianity, which is better for other types, not for me. This is something where, if it existed today, I would happily walk into it and join, because it gives me what I need.

I was thinking about how the system handles people leaving. ‘Turnover ratio’ is something inevitable with all groups. People come in, people stay forever, people leave. This is constant and inevitable in all groups. There’s no need to be shocked and surprised about the fact that people want to leave.

So my group’s system is designed to give you some kind of ‘halfway house,’ a support system for leaving. It is built into the system. We happily encourage you to leave. If you aren’t happy here, then you need to go be happy someplace else, if we can’t give you what you need. We encourage you to build your own group, which will hopefully remain friendly with our group, so that we can exchange goods and services and knowledge and people and so on. There is a channel to help you leave.

I read about ‘escape from the Amish,’ somewhere online – a woman who left the Amish and wrote a book about how hard it was to leave. They never learn how to drive a car. So when you leave the Amish you have to learn that kind of thing, all the things you were never taught to do. It’s a transition. I want my people to know that they can safely leave and be supported while leaving and after leaving, so that they are not afraid to leave the group. I love the Amish but I am also interested in the idea of helping people to leave a group if they want to.

There are things that I know already, know for sure, that I want a group to do. I want a group of people who eats the diet I want to eat. I want it to be very easy to go out and get help to eat this diet. It’s as simple and easy as going through the drive-thru at McDonald’s. You go out to the group and go eat at a dining hall or something. The people cooperate to make sure that everyone in the group is eating the diet. This is the strongest way to guarantee that large numbers of people are eating healthy foods every day forever.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a dining hall. That’s only one particular idea. There are other ways to support the members as they eat their diets. The group must make it so easy to eat this diet that it’s effortless and we don’t have people accidentally getting back into the habit of a bad diet. I don’t want to see single people living alone and cooking prepackaged microwave TV dinners instead of eating real food. (Note, this only applies to people in the group. It is NOT a ‘force everybody in the world to eat the diet whether they want to or not’ attempt.)

I’d like some support to find chemical-free places to live. The group puts a high priority on protecting members against chemicals like pesticides, because one of our main goals is to produce children who do not have the deformities. We need to find houses and apartments and land areas where nobody will use pesticides near us, and any other chemicals that we want to avoid. I need an apartment where the landlord doesn’t do pest control, but it’s probably required by law, so we need a way around that. This is something that members need help and support to accomplish. It’s hard to find chemical-safe areas on your own, while it’s extremely important for you to do so. We don’t just give our members rules that they can’t follow. We give them support to follow the rules. That is the purpose of the group, to make everything easier.

Also, from time to time ‘they’ push the idea of ‘making long hair more acceptable.’ I guess they are just testing how I react to that idea? I’m not sure why they keep pushing that and testing that idea. Whenever they do, there is always an immediate ‘no’ sensation during and after that idea. I don’t know if the ‘no’ comes from within myself, or whether they are pushing a button to artificially induce the ‘no’ reaction. But for whatever reason, I get a ‘no’ on the idea of ‘making long hair more acceptable.’

I don’t care what is acceptable to the mainstream society, as long as they do not physically attack us and force us to change the way we look, at which point, I care. They can accept or not accept whatever they want. They don’t have to like our hair. The only people who matter are the people in the group. The people in the group stay in the group because they like the way we look to each other. They are free to leave. They are also free to join the group. If people like our looks, they can join. If they don’t like our looks, they can stay out. That is how I feel. I would want to attract people who like that hairstyle, but anyone who doesn’t like it probably never will, and I’m not spending my energy trying to convince them, or force them, to accept it.

There is one respect in which I would be ‘making long hair more acceptable to the public.’ One purpose of the group is to help make sure members are able to support themselves materially, financially, and that might mean that they need to get jobs while also growing long hair and beards. When there is a conflict with an employer, we can do a couple of things. We could make a list of employers who tolerate the hairstyle, and then go work at those places. We could also have a discussion with the people who are in conflict with the hairstyle, and tell them that we are a religion and that the hairstyle is very important to us, and it’s not just something that your employee is doing merely to annoy you. We could also start our own businesses and hire our own group members, or find ways to support ourselves without being employed at official ‘jobs,’ and other things. So one of the purposes of the group is to support you when you have a conflict with your employer about your hair.

(I myself enjoy the idea of starting my own business and then making a rule requiring all employees to stop cutting hair and beards and eyebrows. If other employers can require their employees to look neat and tidy and shave every day and all that, then why couldn’t I make a rule saying the opposite? If I am paying you to work for me, you will groom the way that I tell you to groom. And I can just imagine the people getting all upset about this and not caring about the double standard! I can just imagine the response – OH MY GODDDDDD!!! THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!!! And so someone will go out and write a law saying that it’s okay to require your employees to shave every day, but it’s illegal to require your employees to STOP cutting and shaving. I can just imagine this! This is typical of their type of response to these things.)

What else must the group do, if it were a group that I would happily walk into today if it already existed?

Support for childrearing. They must share breastfeeding if necessary, with wet nurses, because breastfeeding is required to protect the health of the body. It is one of the most important rules. We also need support for homeschooling, and support for not vaccinating. Quitting vaccines, and quitting school, might possibly go together, because vaccines are required for school in some places. This is another area where it helps to have a group backing you up whenever you need to tell people, ‘Vaccines are against my religion.’ You don’t just say that all by yourself. You say it with a whole bunch of other people at the same time. I don’t mean simultaneously, I mean, in case there is a conflict over this, you have lots of people who will help protect you and negotiate whatever needs to be negotiated.

Social nudity. It turns out that actually people don’t mind nudism very much – it’s not very controversial. I imagine we can find enough people to do this.

It isn’t an anti-sexual religion. We also allow polyamory. We do not require monogamy. We don’t require polyamory either. It is something that will be accepted. People automatically think that if it’s a religion, it’s anti-sexual, but that is not this kind of religion.

We accept members who are homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual, however we are also here for the purpose of having children, so we can find ways for homosexual people to have children. They join us because they want to. So we support family arrangements that help homosexual people have children.

Anti-circumcision, and anti-removal of other body parts, such as teeth.

I see this as a drug-free group. Some religions like to use drugs to have visions and hallucinations, but I don’t like that. I am interested in physical health. If a group already existed, and they were drug-free, I would feel much more comfortable with them. I wouldn’t want to walk into a group of people who used drugs or alcohol. The idea is, which group would I walk into and join if it already existed.

The group must anticipate government attacks. I’m not talking about ‘stockpiling weapons.’ I’m talking more about something like, inviting the government to visit us and inspect our community so that they can see that we aren’t doing anything evil here, and that our people are happy and healthy. They won’t be able to see that, if we are breaking some cherished rule of theirs, and it won’t matter how happy and healthy we are – the rule will matter more than anything – their rule will matter more than sanity and reality.

I am thinking about the Yearning For Zion genocide where they took all the children away on buses. Someday, that kind of thing might happen to our group, so I want to talk about how to prepare for it, how to prevent it, how to negotiate with the government so that they don’t do that. If we get into a conflict with the media and the government the way the YFZ ranch did, then they outnumber us by the millions, and they will be able to do whatever they want to do to us, raid the community and take all our children, or whatever horrible thing they decide to do.

Most of those things I’ve said so far will be relatively popular enough, but the one rule that hardly anyone will ‘get’ is the acceptance of the reality of electronic mind control. This is the one rule that only a teeny, tiny minority of people already agree with. If I told a lie and said ‘we believe in ghosts,’ then plenty of people would be happy to join, but these are not ghosts, they are humans pushing buttons on electronic weapons. We insist that’s what they are. I’m not going to call them ghosts or demons or anything paranormal or supernatural. So that will be the least popular rule, to acknowledge the reality of mind control.

However, acknowledging mind control is central to the group, because it is something badly needed that can’t be found anywhere else in the mainstream world. You can’t find anyone anywhere who can help you with mind control and electronic harassment. No one supports you. You can get thrown into mental hospitals and force-drugged for complaining too much about it. You can’t find shielded areas anywhere when you’re in a crisis and being severely attacked. You can’t find devices to detect and track down where the attacks are coming from. You can’t find anything at all, anywhere, from anyone.

But yet, this phenomenon exists, these machines have been created, and they will not forget how to build them. Now that they exist, they will exist forever into the future. The future is a very long time. The religion sees this, even though it’s too early for the rest of the world to see it. The religion wants us to know ourselves, to be ourselves, to develop ourselves, to be happy and healthy and comfortable, but we can’t be ourselves or make our own choices when we are being controlled and attacked, when we can’t sleep a single hour without being forced awake every single night for decades at a time, when we can’t dream our own dreams, feel our own feelings, think our own thoughts, sense our own sensations, or speak our own words.

It is central to the group that we see this long future where mind control continues to exist, and our goal is to continue to live in that world somehow, no matter how hard it is, no matter how ‘dystopian’ that future might seem, no matter how unthinkable and horrible and unimaginable it is to look at the long long future and see a world where electronic mind control gets worse, not better. We choose life, no matter how scary and unbearable and horrible that is to imagine. So we are here to cope with that. Other religions want you to make ‘moral choices,’ but when you aren’t the one making your own choices, when you are being controlled, you are no longer responsible for your own moral choices. It doesn’t do any good to just tell them over and over again to make moral choices. They can’t. They physically can’t. They are puppets, not in control of themselves. So this is a non-Christian religion where we acknowledge that, as unpleasant as this is to imagine, you aren’t totally responsible for your own actions.

It’s funny that I see this as a breakthrough, and not a backsliding. I read books by Nathaniel Branden where he said that the popular mainstream culture was disintegrating and that ‘lack of personal responsibility’ was a big problem. Lots of people complain about the lack of personal responsibility, people blaming others instead of taking action themselves, people starting lawsuits to win millions of dollars, and that kind of thing. So it seems like I would want to advocate personal responsibility, instead of saying, once again, like everyone else, that, unfortunately, we’re not entirely responsible for our own actions. You’d think I’d want to say the exact opposite of that: be more responsible, make better choices, take responsibility. I read all those Nathaniel Branden books, and, before I discovered that I was being attacked, I believed in all of it, and strongly desired to take more responsibility for my actions and goals.

Every time in recent years that I have tried to use any kind of self-help book at all, I have been severely attacked by voices trying to control me every second of every day. For instance, if I am reading a Nathaniel Branden book, and I’m trying to fill out his ‘sentence stem’ exercises, where they give you an incomplete sentence and you are supposed to fill out the second half of the sentence as fast as you can, from your so-called ‘subconscious,’ what happens is I get attacked constantly every time I try to do this, and they force words into my head instead of letting me, and my subconscious, speak for myself.

That’s only one example. Other things that happen are: they attack me during my daily activities if I violate or fail at some rule or goal that I said I would accomplish, like if I say that I’m going to focus on communicating better, or something, then they will nag me about that 24 hours a day, every second of every conversation I have, so that I feel this painful pressure constantly instead of feeling the effects of the self-improvement book naturally integrating into my mind. I get into direct conflicts with them about exactly how to implement the rules and behaviors that I am trying to learn.

I recognized something in the person who wrote ‘the great escape’ in the forum that I quoted a blog or two ago. She said that she was now automatically typing everyone she looked at, every hour of every day, instead of seeing them as people. This is probably not because of socionics. It is probably because of electronic harassment. I have experienced it too. It is EXTREMELY damaging to clarity of thought. They have these morons putting wrong ideas into my head constantly, as they wrongly and inaccurately type people while I’m looking at them, to mislead me away from clear understanding.

I actually hear voices forcing me to whisper subvocal speech, in my throat and mouth and sinuses – I can’t describe exactly where the subvocal voices are located because I don’t know enough about how they work, and it’s hard to describe, and every time I try to describe this, the murderers attack me severely later on, trying to ‘demonstrate that they can do this thing,’ so they do some extreme, brutal, disruptive, damaging kind of attack to show that ‘I can force your voice box to make a sound’ and that kind of thing, if I’ve written a blog about how subvocal speech forces my voice box to make whispers, simply because I have a hard time accurately describing exactly what it is that they are doing.

I don’t know for sure if it comes from the voice box, the mouth, the throat, the sinuses, or where. But even so, that is my attempt to describe it. They force some part of my physical body, some part of my speech mechanisms, to whisper things, which is a substitute for real thinking and real understanding. And they do this to me constantly when I look at people, or at least, I have gone through phases when this type of attack was particularly bad or worse than usual (but lately it hasn’t been too bad). So whatever she was experiencing, I’m guessing it’s the same as what I was experiencing: forced thoughts, designed to lead you away from clear understanding, to fill you with stupid messy ideas so that you can’t see anything more deeply and can’t make any original observations.

The thoughts that they give you are very stupid, very shallow, and very wrong, and I get into terrible fights with them when I catch them doing this to me. Imagine the worst of the worst quality forum posts, where people argue about what type someone is – imagine the worst posts you’ve ever seen, the muddiest thinking, the shallowest and most impulsive observations, and then imagine being forced to hear this crap all day long instead of observing something yourself, and being forcibly silenced from using your own brain. That is what I experience. You get forced to hear stupid people constantly telling you things that are blatantly wrong, and you can’t fight back against them. All original observations are totally destroyed.

If I tried to describe this experience in terms of socionics functions, it reminds me of a conflict between a J type and a P type, a rational/irrational conflict. The P wants to continue observing something more deeply, but the J type wants to tell you what it is, right now, even if it’s wrong, just to tell you SOMETHING instead of continuing to observe. Their way of doing things, when I experience this, is: they make a statement which is like a statement a J type would make, and then they force you to hear it and react to it, so that they can find out whether it is true or false by watching your body’s reaction to the statement. I get bombarded with ‘true or false’ attacks constantly, all day long, instead of being allowed to observe without judging. They want to know right now what the answer is, based on whatever limited information I have right now, and they don’t care whether it’s deep or shallow, right or wrong, they just want to get some kind of immediate yes or no answer. That is the conflict that I experience when they control me.

So instead of letting me look at something, see it, and absorb my impressions of it, they will allow me to look at something for a second or two, and then I get zapped with an attack which makes some kind of true/false statement – let’s give a hypothetical example, something like ‘That person is an ENFp,’ and my body will respond with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ by becoming physically tense somewhere. I wasn’t ready to decide whether that person was an ENFp or not, but they think it’s okay not to be ready, because my ‘intuition’ supposedly should know this already, and it should already have all the right answers – they trust it too much, and they don’t trust observation enough. They want to know my first impression hunch of what someone is.

So I will get flooded with stupid, moronic, wrong dialogue for a couple of minutes while they give me a bunch of different statements and get to my opinion by the process of elimination – ‘that person is an ENFp – no – ESFp – no – ESTJ – no,’ and so on, for many minutes, over and over again, and then they’ll start over from the beginning and do the whole damn stupid thing again, until the ‘official answer’ gets stronger and stronger with repetition. That is not the best way at all to decide what type someone is. Just trusting that some hunch, deep inside my mind, already knows the answer and can give a true/false response, is NOT a reliable way to get to ‘the truth!’ Meanwhile all the original observations and deeper understandings are destroyed while using the function that way.

They also do that with rehearsed speech. They force me to rehearse ahead of time something I might say to someone. They want to force me to go talk to this person and express something – for instance, when Martin was working at Weis, they would bombard me for hours, while I was working, with a rehearsed speech of me walking up to the front desk, in front of everyone, and shouting at him ‘WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING MY EMAILS?’ (the emails that they were forcing me to send to him while I was on drugs). This is something *I WOULD NEVER DO.*

So they constantly try to get a ‘yes or no’ response to things that they want to force me to say, and they bombard me with a dozen different possible ideas for what to say, and get a ‘no’ on all of them, and then start over at the beginning and go through the whole thing again, supposedly trying to look for something that I could possibly agree with, but all of it is totally as wrong as wrong can be. It’s like they are trying to force me to use my weakest function, my most unnatural way of behaving.

They tried rehearsing this fantasy (‘WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING MY EMAILS?’), over and over and over again, for hours, as though they believed that I would get used to it if only I practiced it for hours, but no, I never did, and I always resisted and refused to do this unnatural thing. I was physically unable to think about anything else. If I tried to direct my mind to some other thought process, something I actually wanted to think about, they would zap me and start up the unnatural rehearsed conversations again. This is a socionics function conflict. I don’t know which particular functions are in conflict, but they were forcing me to behave in a way that was totally unnatural for my personality type.

It is not always like that for me. It has been more peaceful lately than it was at times in the past. When I am using St. John’s Wort I get into more direct, severe conflicts with them. I am not using it now, except for occasional drug residue exposure incidents, at a low level microdosage.

When you hear a song playing in your head all day long, that’s a really common experience, isn’t it? Everyone complains about that. I’ve got this annoying song running through my head. How many people have ever said that to you? Tons and tons of them. It is totally common and normal to have a song running through your head, and often, it’s a song you don’t like, a song that annoys you. Guess what? That’s fake. It’s the result of an attack. Your brain is not freely playing that song to you of its own accord. Something is causing it to happen, and it comes from outside yourself. I don’t know the details of how this attack is done. It is not a naturally occurring phenomenon. It affects HUGE numbers of people. Everyone has experienced this. I don’t know why they do it. It prevents deep thought and original observations and it reduces the level of your mental energy and focus. It keeps you in kind of a trance.

I wandered off topic while complaining…

Anyway, that particular requirement, of acknowledging the reality of mind control and the need for a group of people who will help you cope with it and survive, in the long future where the phenomenon will only get worse – that will be one of the hardest requirements to satisfy, one of the least popular rules and beliefs. I can imagine people getting together to do a lot of the rest of the things, but this one is a difficult one.

I finished ‘watching’ 10,000 BC while also writing this blog, so I was halfway paying attention to two things at once, and not completely to either of them. But I was right, the movie was more tolerable the second time around, although I don’t think I will want to watch it much more than that.

connection between body and soul

February 27, 2011

2:48 PM 2/27/11

‘They’ have been asking me about my religion. I did not have an official religion at first, but instead it resulted from being questioned by ‘them’ about what kind of religion I would want, what kind of intentional community I would want to create. The intentional community is meant to last a very, very long time, like hundreds, or thousands, of years, and so it must be designed as a stable belief system with enough abstraction that it can respond to future changes. It must have some principles that are abstract enough that they will be universally applicable even in different situations.

One example of something they were asking me about recently is, How important is it to follow the ‘quitting Christmas’ requirement of this religion? Is that a what’s-the-word, a deal breaker? (I forgot the word. It means: something you absolutely won’t be flexible about. I was reading Diana Leafe Christian again recently. Non-negotiable.)

Well, they were asking why I required ‘quitting Christmas’ in my religion. And we looked forward into the future, when we might need to quit some other new holiday that somebody might create in the future, because things do change over time. We would need a more abstract, general rule to follow, not just something as specific as ‘quit Christmas.’ I didn’t want to make a rule that would become too huge and restrictive and out of control, you know, quitting all holidays, being opposed to everything that could ever be fun, forbidding people to get together and have some kind of recurring ritual on a particular date every year – I am not opposed to all holidays and all rituals as such. Christmas is the one that offends me, and this is because I read a particular book about it (The Trouble With Christmas) and because I myself had negative feelings about it for a long time.

The idea was that in the future, what if Halloween got out of control? (This is just an example.) What if Halloween became like Christmas? You would be expected to buy expensive treats and presents not just for your own family, but for all the kids on the entire block, who would come knocking on your door. And if you failed to do this, you would be ‘tricked’ in some way, and socially stigmatized as a failure (the same way you are stigmatized as a failure if you can’t afford to buy tons of expensive Christmas presents). Through the entire month of October, you would be forced to hear Halloween music playing on the overhead Muzak at every store where you went shopping and on every radio station.

So what general rules or principles lead to quitting Christmas? And how could that rule be defined so that we would, for instance, quit Halloween in the future too, but only if Halloween became a huge and obnoxious all-encompassing monster like Christmas? And how could we do this without being extreme in a bad way and forbidding everyone everywhere to ever have fun or enjoy any holidays at all together?

One of the ideas behind quitting Christmas was that we want to distinguish ourselves as a non-Christian religion. That’s not the only idea behind it, it’s just one of several ideas.

So, the other thing they were asking me about is: How important is it to include the rule that all members of the order must acknowledge the existence of electronic mind control? This is similar to joining a church: it’s hard to join a church if you don’t believe, at least slightly, that your soul is being saved by going to church, and that otherwise, something terrible will happen to you – you will go to hell. You can enjoy the community, the company of the people at church, but if you don’t at least slightly agree about this particular ‘irrational belief,’ this belief that your soul lives on after your death and that it must be saved from going to hell, then you won’t really feel the *need* to go to church, even if you somewhat enjoy being with the people.

So I have a similar belief. It is like an irrational belief. It is something specific, something strange, something esoteric and technical. It is something that not everybody believes. Not everyone agrees about it. Not everyone has observed or experienced this. To become an official member of the order you are required to accept the belief that electronic mind control and mind reading is real. That is very similar to joining a church and stating that Jesus Christ is your savior, that he died for your sins, and because of him, you can go to heaven if only you accept Christ. It is an irrational belief, and some people simply cannot say it. I can’t say that (about Jesus) while also telling the truth. It is very uncomfortable. I am strongly an atheist, and I can’t say that Jesus Christ died for my sins and I’m going to heaven because of him. There will be people who, like me about Jesus, ‘can’t say it.’ People who can’t say that electronic mind control is real. For whatever reason, they absolutely can’t imagine, even after having someone explain it to them, that it could ever, possibly, be real or important, in any universe, that it could ever matter to them, matter for the future, that it could ever be anything but a crazy person’s delusional belief. This belief is very much analogous to stating that Jesus Christ has saved your soul from going to hell. ‘Mind control’ is an ‘irrational belief’ that I arrived at through sensory observation, using my senses, having physical experiences of attack, reading articles about electronic weapons. It is an irrational belief. So if I ask other people to believe that along with me, that is a non-negotiable requirement of joining the order.

(I feel a clench of anxiety in my stomach when I say ‘the order.’ The Order does not yet exist. It is only an idea, only a plan. It is something that I have created reluctantly and unwillingly as a result of being attacked and as a result of having discussions with ‘them.’ However, if this religious order already existed on earth, and if they opened their doors and invited me to join them, I would strongly consider it. I just haven’t ever seen anyone who already had all of the particular rules and beliefs that I like, so I have to create the intentional community myself. There might be similar communities out there, and if there are, then I might befriend them, but I haven’t found them. The Order does not exist. It is an imaginary intentional community that I am making because I cannot find an existing community that meets my needs.)

About electronic mind control, where does this concept go in the future? What is the general rule behind it, the assumption, the principle, the belief?

This is based on a belief that your soul, your mind, is strongly connected to your body. Your soul is not ‘someplace else.’ It is not floating in some other universe where souls exist away from the body. (This all applies to the idea of ‘mind’ as well.) It is not an abstraction. It is part of your physical body and it has a finite life. Your soul dies with your body after a few decades (around a century if you are lucky).

An abstraction lives on after your death, but it isn’t YOU. In the abstract, you can see other people in the world who are just like you, except they are born in different places under different names, after your death. It’s like you were reincarnated, except you don’t remember anything about the specific person who died. Those are people who have the same personality type you had. Their ‘style’ is the same. They ‘feel like you.’ If one of your friends or family met that person, they would recognize that person as being very similar to you, in the same spirit, as though you had been brought back to life. In that abstract way, your spirit lives on after your death.

You also live on after your death through the impact that you have on the world. Whatever consequences, whatever effects, resulted from your life, will forever affect the future of the world.

But aside from those things, we assume you die at the end of your life, and everything dies, all of you, including your soul. This is an atheist belief.

Because of this, we say it matters greatly what happens to you in your life. It is a tragic shame if someone suffers misery their entire life and never experiences fulfillment. So our goal is to do the best we can to make future lives better (in addition to our present lives), so that fewer people will have miserable and unfulfilling lives. We must take specific actions to bring this about. This is an atheist morality, a belief that it’s good to do something.

Electronic mind control is part of the belief that our soul is inside our physical body. If our mind and soul are something that results from our physical body, then it seems believable that physical, mechanical things could influence our mind and soul, in good ways and bad ways. Our body’s physical health directly affects our spiritual health, because if you are sick and in pain all the time, you can’t be a very pleasant person, your mind doesn’t function well, you can’t achieve goals, and so on. Most people can accept the idea that our physical health influences our spiritual health if you explain it like that. If you explain that physical sickness affects the body so badly that it ruins your functioning, ruins your social life, ruins your relationships, makes you less able to think clearly and achieve goals, most people will agree with you at least somewhat.

Make the leap to electronic mind control. There are devices that are able to affect the physical body with radiation, radio waves, sound waves, electromagnetic fields. You don’t have to believe in, or know about, which specific devices do what, and you don’t have to know about or believe that these devices already exist and that unknown people are already using them on innocent victims (which is what I experience). You don’t have to accept those things. Just the first one, that some devices exist which are able to affect the physical body by using radio frequencies, and so on. If you accept that this is true, then it can lead you to see that if that happens, then it can affect your behavior, your mood, your thoughts and feelings, your social life, your functioning, your job, your love relationships, and so on. Anything that affects the physical body affects the mind and spirit and social life and everything. If you can accept that devices exist which can do such things, and that maybe, possibly, some people might USE them to attack other people, then you see that it’s important that they be included in a religion where part of your goal is to know your true self, to be yourself, and to improve the quality of your life and your relationships.

This wouldn’t be important – it wouldn’t be more important than any other specific health problem or crime, like, for instance, kidnapping. Kidnapping is a crime, and it matters, and it ruins lives, and if I wanted to, I could focus on nothing but the evils of kidnapping, and what we must do to rid the world of kidnapping and end the practice of kidnapping. Because I agree, kidnapping people of any age is an evil, life-ruining thing to do. And I could complain that governments all around the world, including the USA, are doing it to people. Putting people in jail is a form of kidnapping. We can argue about which particular ‘crimes’ they are accused of, for instance, ‘victimless crimes.’ I could focus on that and complain about that particular crime. Electronic mind control – is it somehow ‘more important’ than kidnapping? They are both crimes. Why am I focused strongly on that and not on other crimes?

It is important, because it’s happening to ME, and I am the person creating this community. It is important because I believe it’s being done to large numbers of people, secretly – unlike kidnapping, which is highly visible and noticeable when it happens. When kidnapping happens, everyone agrees that it’s a crime and something bad is going on. (I realize that sometimes the police are slow to respond, etc, or someone might blame the victims or blame the family or whatever, but in general, people believe that it’s real.) When electronic mind control happens, people don’t notice it and they don’t know that anything is wrong, unless the attackers make themselves obvious and attack very severely, and they only do that to some people, not everyone.

I believe that this behavior will continue into the distant future, and that it is now permanently a part of our society and it always will be, unless all of the paperwork and all of the computers are burned and destroyed forever and all of the scientists are killed who have any memory of how to make these devices, and any knowledge of all the sciences leading up to them. Since that isn’t going to happen, and since I don’t *WANT* that to happen, then, I must accept that electronic mind control will exist forever into the future. It has been created and it will not go away. So we need an ethical system that acknowledges that it is real and we need a way to respond to it.

I want my community of people to see this along with me. That is the only way we can help each other, if large numbers of people cooperate on building countermeasures to protect us against the attacks, and doing research to understand and reverse engineer how the attacks are done, while not intending to USE the attacks against anybody. There will be rules about how we are allowed to defend ourselves against this, just as there are rules about how you may defend yourself when someone initiates any other kind of attack against you. It is part of a religion, part of an intentional community, that we all agree about a particular belief in something, belief that it exists, that it’s real and important, that it’s OUR PROBLEM (instead of obscure and esoteric and unimportant and ‘somebody else’s problem’). It is part of the religion or community that we agree about what is appropriate, moral, ethical behavior when we need to respond to and defend ourselves against these attacks. I do not want to see a war going on with groups of people shooting each other forever and ever.

This is all part of the set of beliefs that says our soul is part of the body, that our life is short and finite and temporary, and that it matters very much what happens to your body during this lifetime. I also want to de-emphasize ‘dying for a cause’ behavior. I need to think more about this question, because I can imagine that there would be situations where people would want to die for a cause. But I don’t want to encourage that at all in my religion. I want this to be a life protecting religion where everyone feels valued. ‘You’re worth more to me alive.’ I want this to be a pacifist religion, but not the type of pacifism where you can never defend yourself at all against anything. This needs to be clarified, and it hasn’t been yet. I only know that it’s very important to accept the belief in the reality of electronic mind control, and that is a non-negotiable idea in the religion.

This is something that has resulted from having discussions with ‘them.’ I myself wasn’t planning to try to create a religion. I was planning to leave the country and go to a hopefully better part of the world.

I like a challenge. Imagine a dating website without email…

February 14, 2011

1:03 PM 2/14/11

I like a challenge. It has to be the right kind of challenge, the type of challenge that my mind is designed for.

I like the idea of making a dating website that has no email and no status updates (so it isn’t a social networking site like myspace or facebook).

This is like the contortionists who enjoy finding ways to escape from a straitjacket. I like setting up restrictions and then finding a way to do the impossible. I like using Edward de Bono’s green hat thinking.

Without emails and status updates, those sites would be useless, wouldn’t they? A dating website or social network without emails and status updates would be pointless.

You’d only be able to look at profiles that people had written. You’d see some pictures of them, but pictures would be somewhat restricted too. We don’t want people to start adding lots of pictures for their own sake, and we don’t want the website users to enjoy looking at everyone’s pictures for their own sake.

We want to keep the ‘process of using the website’ to be as light as possible. You spend less time ‘using the website’ for its own sake, and more time meeting real people face to face.

I thought that the website could be used to organize meetings at a real place in the real world, someplace local and specific, and you would meet people in a group environment.

Drinking alcohol would be strictly forbidden. This would be an unbreakable rule. It wouldn’t just be some trivial rule that was allowed to vary from place to place, a rule where we would look the other way if people ignored the rule. This rule would be the heart and soul, the central core, of this website. It would be the whole point. If anyone was found to be using alcohol at the meetings, they would be banned from the website. It would be one of the strictest rules.

After all, bars already exist. Party crashing already exists. If you haven’t been invited to a party, you can just walk down the street and listen to the house that is making the most noise, and then walk right in as though you belong there. Nobody will know that nobody invited you. They will all be too drunk to care. If that’s the kind of place you want to go, it’s easy to find. People have plenty of ways to find other alcoholics easily whenever they want to. But it’s harder to find single non-alcoholics who have the intention of meeting people for the purpose of starting a serious relationship.

Without alcohol, people’s inhibitions would not be lowered. There would be less likelihood of meeting random strangers and going home and having meaningless sex with them. The purpose of this website is to help you find people who you like when you’re sober.

I would say that if anybody else wanted to start a website devoted to setting up meetings where people drank alcohol, I would be happy to let them make their own website.

I have heard about I think I looked at that website once and I haven’t looked at it recently, so I don’t know how it works. I don’t even know if it still exists. I don’t trust any website that was built using venture capital, a website that expects to make a profit through advertising. My website would be a nonprofit site, so cheap and so basic that it used the least possible resources, like I like almost everything about, except that it still doesn’t work for me because of the ‘send a thousand emails to a thousand random strangers’ model of online dating.

This is slightly off topic, and slightly on topic, I guess. I wanted to talk about how repulsive this is to me. I tried using online dating again recently and had an unpleasant experience.

There are two things that are repulsive to me, and please, please, for all the men who might be reading this blog, please forgive me because I am about to say a very negative stereotype of men, but I have to say this because it has been my experience. If it bothers you what I am about to say, then just pretend I’m talking about everyone else except you, and YOU would never do such a thing.

Okay. On dating websites, there are very large numbers of men who will fuck anything that moves. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a photo on your profile. It doesn’t matter if you have an ugly photo. It doesn’t matter if you’re sixty years old and wrinkly and past menopause. It doesn’t matter if you weigh 600 pounds. It doesn’t matter if you write bizarre, scary, creepy things about yourself on your profile. All that matters is that THEY BELIEVE you have an XX chromosome and a hole between your legs. (And you might even be able to get away with having some other chromosome combination as long as there was a hole somewhere on your body.)

I emphasized ‘they believe’ you are a woman, because for all they know, and for all they care, you could be a guy pretending to be a woman, but it doesn’t matter, they’ll write to you, talk to you, and have cybersex with you anyway, and not care all that much to find out who you are.

Your specific uniqueness is invisible and unimportant to them. One of the most undesirable traits in a mate, for me personally, is ‘someone who is unable to see and appreciate my uniqueness.’ If someone is unable to see who I am, then I dislike that person. If someone is unable to appreciate my specialness, I dislike that person. If I am viewed exactly the same as 1000 other women who might be disgusting, boring, ugly, stupid, and every other negative thing imaginable – if that person can’t see the difference between me and them – if he thinks that I’m just another female like all the others instead of a special, wonderful, unique treasure – then I dislike him.

I am not asking for someone to flatter me with compliments about how wonderful I am, because that is also very annoying. I want someone who *SEES* me. I want him to be perceptive. I want him to look at me and understand me. I want him to understand who I am, why I do what I do, what I care about. I want him to be curious about the things that I am interested in. I want him to ask me ‘why’ questions. I don’t want someone to just give me flattering compliments telling me that I’m the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman on earth, because that is a generic statement that anyone can say. He must see something specific and unique about me that other people do not see. Anyone can memorize the words ‘beautiful, wonderful, and amazing’ or ‘incredibly hot’ or whatever. Those are just words. They can be given to anybody. I want someone to say groups of words that no one has ever said before.

The other thing that bothers me is people who enjoy having cybersex as an end in itself. Someone who wakes up in the morning and thinks to himself, I want to have cybersex today. I want to get out of bed, get on the computer or send a text message on my phone, and have cybersex with someone, because I enjoy having cybersex with someone, and I don’t care that I’ve never met this person, and I don’t care if we really don’t have much of a relationship yet, and I don’t care if we ever meet each other in the real world at all. I just want to have cybersex. I enjoy writing and reading words on a screen while masturbating. Again, for the men out there reading this blog, please forgive me, but I am telling the truth: I can’t stand cybersex. I can’t stand it when guys seem to enjoy cybersex as an end in itself, the goal of their day, and meeting the person and having a real relationship is of little or no importance to them. Because that is what happened to me when I tried using the dating website again recently – I had a guy who wanted to have cybersex for the sheer joy of having cybersex, and it wasn’t all that important for him to meet me in person – and not only that, but he outright lied about something about himself – and the result was that I struggled, painfully and with terrible strain, while crying, to force myself to try to enjoy having meaningless cybersex with a stranger as a way to start a relationship. It was very unpleasant. (Obviously, I’m not complaining that I was cyber-raped. It was something I consented to do. I tried, I struggled, I had sincere intentions to try to make myself do this, but it went directly against my feelings and against who I am, and all I did was cry.)

So I would like a website where there are no emails. The message sent is: Email is not the purpose of this site, and neither is cybersex. It will still be possible for people to exchange cell phone numbers when they meet. But perhaps I could forbid that as well. Perhaps there could be an official rule forbidding people to exchange phone numbers, at least early on. We would be expected and required to meet in person, AND ONLY meet in person, at this group meeting.

If there’s anything I don’t like, I can make a rule against it. And the challenge becomes more difficult. How can this dating system work AT ALL if people can’t use emails, can’t read people’s status updates, and are forbidden to drink alcohol or exchange cell phone numbers or have cybersex? That’s not even a dating website at all!

I’ve listed a lot of things that the website is NOT meant to do. What IS it meant to do?

It could be used to tell other people that you exist, that you are single, that you desire to meet someone. It can signal your intention to show up at a particular meeting at a specific time, date, and place. Other people will be attracted to this meeting if they know that someone interesting will be there.

People might ‘crash’ the meeting. They might show up without having signaled their intent to show up. They might not have put a message on the website saying ‘I will be there.’ They might feel like it doesn’t matter whether or not they tell people that they’ll be there. What do we do about that?

People might also say they’ll be there, but not show up.

And what do we do at the meetings?

How is this different from a ‘singles club?’ Don’t they already exist? – Well, it will be different from a ‘singles club’ because it’s something I’ve created. Whatever it is, it will be slightly different somehow. So I would need to research ‘singles clubs’ and notice the ways that my vision is different from theirs.

Also, even though I said alcohol is forbidden, I don’t want people to think that this is a ‘quitting alcohol’ party. It isn’t an alcoholics anonymous meeting. This isn’t a place merely for people to all go when they want to quit alcohol. It’s for people who don’t drink alcohol to begin with, and don’t have any issues with alcohol. It isn’t focused on ‘quitting alcohol’ as a goal in itself. ‘No alcohol’ is a rule, but not a primary goal of the meeting. Kind of like going to activities at the YMCA – it doesn’t have alcohol there, but at the same time, ‘quitting alcohol’ isn’t the purpose of all those activities. They have some other purpose in their activities.

What do we do at the meetings? I don’t want people just to mill around randomly in a group. Maybe some of the time could be spent ‘milling around randomly,’ but I want something that brings people together and helps you get with someone you will love.

It shouldn’t be just a social meeting for the sake of a social meeting. I don’t want this to just end as ‘we all get together and socialize.’ I want it to be ‘We get together as a group to see potential mates in the real world, and interact with them, and after taking a series of steps, we will go off alone together and have a private relationship separately.’ There might be some kind of ‘social’ aspect to the group, however, it’s very important that we make it clear, we are not here merely to enjoy socializing, because if that is what you want, go to the YMCA and join some of their classes and activities (which I have sometimes wanted to do, every time they send me one of their catalogs in the mail and I’ve looked at it and seen that a lot of stuff there looks like fun).

I want this to be a meeting where everybody knows, everyone is aware, everyone AGREES that we are here for the purpose of finding someone to bond with privately. At the YMCA (or wherever) you might randomly happen to meet someone and like them individually, but you don’t know for sure whether it’s okay to go asking them on dates or asking them to spend time alone with you. At my meeting, I want everyone to know for sure that we are all here, every single one of us, because we have all agreed that we need to meet people for the purpose of finding our own relationships. I don’t want anybody to be doubtful about whether or not it’s okay to ask someone on a date here. That will be the whole purpose. So ‘socializing’ must be secondary to the main purpose of ‘meeting mates.’

There will have to be rules about how to say yes and how to say no, because I don’t want cruelty and contempt and rudeness and unkindness to hurt people and make them give up trying.

There would have to be a method of cautiously expressing your interest in someone, while protecting yourself against getting hurt too badly, although it always hurts when someone says no.

I don’t want people to go there and spam every single person with a request, and not bother to distinguish people’s specialness and individuality. There should be a REASON WHY you want to be with this one, particular, special person, INSTEAD OF all the other people there. Because again, it bothers me very, very much, and disgusts me, when people want to have sex with ‘anything that moves’ or ‘anything that says yes.’ If you are there to ‘have sex with anything that moves,’ there must be some kind of method or restriction that makes it impossible, or unlikely, that you can do that there.

My idea process is like this: if the idea seems exactly like something else, or similar to something else that already exists, I want to compare and contrast the two things and find ways that my idea is different. If someone says ‘They’ve already done that – just go look at X,’ or ‘That already exists,’ then my response is, ‘This isn’t X. How is my idea different from X?’ This isn’t a normal dating website. It isn’t (and I need to go look at them again to see how they work). It isn’t Craigslist. It isn’t facebook or myspace. It isn’t a singles club. It isn’t a bar. It isn’t a social meeting. It isn’t the YMCA. It isn’t a group orgy. What is it?

Well, I’m putting this out there… I’ve been thinking about this idea for a long time. I’ll get more ideas later.

anarchism, second job, visiting curtis, resting on thanksgiving day

November 25, 2010

3:27 PM 11/25/10

I am home from work because it’s Thanksgiving, but I am not going anywhere to eat dinner. I’m invited to go with my aunts and cousins, and also Peter and Tammy invited me, but I’m going to just stay home and rest. Rest is what I want more than anything else. Trying to have fun on a holiday isn’t usually much fun for me. Sometime in the future, it might be, but right now no.

The air is fresh and sweet outside today. I went out to get some bottled water out of my car and the sweetness of the air surprised me. It was cold and silent and full of rainfall. It often feels that way on holidays. I think maybe there aren’t as many cars driving on holidays, and that’s why the air is sweet.

I saw Curtis yesterday. I went looking for him, when I was finally able to get up and out of bed. I didn’t see him in the store, so I bought a couple of small things and left. As I was walking towards the door, he came out of a small room nearby and looked right at me. So we walked outside together and sat on the bench where he had a cigarette. He said he was off work and waiting for his ride to pick him up.

I didn’t have a panic attack, and I didn’t start crying either. I was only a little nervous at first. I hope that I can get used to visiting him. It was something that I did on purpose, as a duty, an obligation.

I sat, like, three feet away from him on the bench, leaving him plenty of space. I didn’t touch him at all. We talked for a few minutes about Christmas and some other things and then he finished his cigarette. I let him go back inside, and I said goodbye and went to my car.

I am glad I got to see him. And he mentioned again that I hadn’t written much on facebook. It’s true, I didn’t bombard him with letters, because I was trying to take it easy after he and I had a couple days of big, long letters back and forth to each other, and I thought, he can’t possibly like this, and I thought that I talk too much. But no, he wanted me to write to him again. I thought I had to give him a break for a couple of days, and I didn’t want to push my luck. So after I got home I sent him another letter and I showed him two photos where he and his son Caden were in the same position and making the same face and they looked exactly alike. He even has Curtis’s ears. They are the same shape and they stick out at exactly the same angle. I love his ears, so this is a good thing. He has both ears double pierced and I always stare at them when we’re talking.

As of right now, it’s my official duty to try to see him once every other week. If I could, I’d see him like three times a week or something, and I would be all over him hugging and kissing and snuggling, but instead I am going to give him a lot of space and try to act like an ordinary friend instead of the ‘friend who adores you and wants to have sex with you even though you have a girlfriend and you guys are getting married sometime.’ So I have to be an ordinary friend. I’m not even touching him yet, not even a little bit. I’m not sure when I will feel comfortable enough to do that. But like I said, I didn’t cry or have a panic attack, so I am feeling a little more trusting and comfortable now.

In case you are a new reader who doesn’t know what’s going on, Curtis and I used to work together, but he lost his job, and I wanted to keep visiting him at his new job, and I was devastated that I couldn’t see him at work anymore. So every time I went looking for him, I was crying and upset because I missed him and he was gone from my life. That’s making a long story short. It took a while before I could actually FIND him at his new job, and I spent a few weeks sending letters to him begging him to tell me to quit stalking him, because I was scared that he didn’t want to see me and that sooner or later he would have me arrested for stalking. But actually he wants to see me, or at least, he is able to tolerate it.

‘They’ think that the reason the Harry Potter and Hermione dance scene affected me so strongly was because I myself am in a position of being attracted to someone who is loyal to his real girlfriend. Every time I saw that scene in the movie, the voice whispered the word ‘letdown’ after it was over, and now they said ‘letdown’ after I walked away from Curtis without touching him. I checked the book when I was at Barnes & Noble. It wasn’t in the book. It was added to the movie. The scene does resemble how he and I are together: we’ve been friends for a long time, I’ve always been attracted to him, and we’ve enjoyed being together, and we have had fun together, but he is loyal to his girlfriend and he probably would stop me if I tried to do anything that went beyond being friendly. I don’t know. He always tolerated it when I touched him, but I was doing things like patting him on the back. And he wasn’t always with his girlfriend during the time when we worked together, and he was more open to me when he wasn’t dating anybody.

Anyway, I saw him, and I plan to see him again.

Another good thing: I am going to try again to get a second job. My bank account has been quickly draining down, which always happens when I have only one job. My rent is too high, and I need a roommate, but I can’t have one unless I clean up the drug residue on the carpet, and I’ve already talked about that too much in my blog. I need to get that fixed. But I want to have a secure income first before I do anything else. I had tons of money when I was working at Weis and McDonald’s, and then I quit Weis and I quickly used up the money I had. I’m ready to fill out job applications again, and so, yesterday, I picked up a couple when I was in town, when I went to visit Curtis.

I feel like everybody already knows this, but, I am an anarchist, and before I called myself an anarchist, I started out as a Libertarian and Objectivist, after reading the books of Ayn Rand. I decided to go all the way to ‘anarchist’ after I learned that the hackers are controlling the computers where they record the numbers of our votes. It isn’t the electronic voting machines that we have to worry about, although there are some problems with those too. But they are a red herring, a distraction from the real problem. The real problem is that our votes get counted, and then the numbers get sent to an ordinary, insecure, internet-connected computer with a plain old Excel spreadsheet on it, and then, the hackers change the numbers in the cells on the spreadsheet. It’s so easy to do, a script kiddie could do it. You don’t even have to be an expert hacker. You don’t have to do anything that requires a lot of knowledge or expertise. So our votes don’t matter at all. It’s all fake. So I am an anarchist, because our votes have no connection to the results of the election.

After the election of George Bush Jr., there was an article written called ‘Evidence Mounts that the Vote Was Hacked.’ Or it might have been called ‘Evidence Mounts that the Vote Has Been Hacked.’ It’s on the internet. It’s the only article that I ever saw that was written about this, but I knew it was the truth. I had been getting harassed by computer hackers since about the year 2000, so I already knew that they were everywhere. Reading that article was the last straw. I decided that voting was completely and totally hopeless. At first I had thought that voting was just difficult, but not impossible. I thought that there might be SOME hope of changing the government by voting. But now I don’t think so anymore. The entire voting system is completely and totally corrupt and fake, and there is no connection at all between our votes and who gets elected – NONE.

Oh… why was I talking about anarchism? Because I was going to say, I hate the labor laws. I shouldn’t have to get a second job if I want to work more than forty hours a week. But employers can’t afford to pay overtime pay. If you work more than 40 hours, then they have to pay you 1.5 times your usual wage for every hour over 40. So if I work 50 hours, then 10 of those hours are overtime. If I usually made $5 an hour, then I would be making $7.50 an hour during those 10 hours of overtime. Instead of doing that, businesses always just hire extra people, and they make sure that nobody ever works more than 40 hours a week. The end.

So nobody can make enough money. There is an upper limit on how much money you are allowed to make in one week. If you are only allowed to work 40 hours, and you make $5 an hour, then $200 is the maximum amount of money that you are allowed to make in one week. This law is insanely stupid and it needs to be repealed. But the best we can hope for is that maybe, someday, the government will allow you to voluntarily opt out of the law – that you might be allowed to say to your employer, ‘I don’t want to get paid overtime pay. I want to work at my normal wage even if I’m working 50 hours a week.’ Then, of course, all of the other ignorant people will get mad at you, because they believe they’re ENTITLED to get overtime pay, and they believe it’s bad and evil and wrong to NOT get paid overtime pay, and they’ll be jealous of you and they’ll say they wish they could do that too, but at the same time they don’t think it’s right. So you’ll have conflicts with your co-workers if you have any co-workers who are brainwashed more than most people. (Usually, when I talk about this, some of the people kind of agree with me, but there’s always some brainwashed person who insists that overtime pay is a good thing, and they’re always mad at the employers when the employers refuse to let them work more than 40 hours a week and get overtime pay.)

The only way to get more than that ‘upper limit’ of money is to get a second job. It’s pointless, inconvenient, harmful, and stupid. This law is the #1 most stupid and most obvious law that I would change immediately if I had the power to change a law. It would make so many people’s lives easier if they could simply keep working extra hours at one job to go above the ‘upper limit’ that they can get if they work 40 hours.

They might think that it’s easy to get a second job. But it’s hard to schedule it. At least one of your jobs has to have flexible scheduling. McDonald’s is well known for having flexible scheduling, and I read in a magazine that McDonald’s was listed as one of the top ten best places to work, partly because of their flexible schedules, and I agree with that – I like this job for a lot of reasons, and I like it a lot more than other places I’ve worked, and I can work whatever hours I need to work, at whatever time I want. When you get two jobs, at least one of them needs to let you start work after your other job ends. And you have to be able to limit your availability at both jobs. You have to work in the morning at one, and the evening at the other. Or work overnight at one, and evening at the other. And so on. You can’t have one of your jobs say, ‘Your schedule has to be totally open, and you have to be available anytime we want you to come in.’ If they say that to you, then you’re screwed. It means you can’t get a second job, because you are going to have unpredictable scheduling, and so you’re stuck making that ‘upper limit’ amount of money for only 40 hours a week at your one job, unless they let you work overtime, which is unusual.


There are other laws that the libertarians and anarchists hate, but a lot of those laws affect other people, so we can’t see them directly. But we have direct personal experience with the overtime pay law. I can see it and I can see how it directly affects my life. I can see how much easier and simpler my life would be without that law. This law is visible to millions of ordinary people, and LOTS of those people believe that the law is stupid and harmful.

There are lots of other laws I hate. I hate paying income taxes. I hate fiat money. I hate the banking system. I can’t list all the laws I hate.

There are some laws that I disagree with, but it’s not a big issue for me, although it is for some people. For instance, I don’t think it should be illegal to go outside naked. You shouldn’t get arrested for nudity. However, I really don’t care that much about that law, most of the time. My quality of life isn’t that badly affected by this. I can tolerate this law. But the income taxes, THEY have a big effect on my life. Because of the taxes, I have to work thousands and thousands of extra hours, to pay for *NOTHING*. Or pay for things I don’t want, like, pay the soldiers to go kill people in other countries, which I don’t want them to do. My money is used for that.

This is why I’m interested in intentional communities. I can’t control the government at all because of the vote hackers. The only thing I can do is join with like-minded people to work together and build a new culture.

I don’t usually talk about this subject (anarchism), because so many other authors have already written about it, and they’ve explained it so much better than I can. I’m just agreeing with them.

I called myself a ‘minarchist’ for a couple of years while I still believed in voting. It means that I believed in SMALL government, minimal, as little as possible. But now I am totally disconnected from the government, and I call myself an anarchist, and I only obey them so that I don’t get thrown in jail. (I’m thinking of Curtis, who drove his car without a license, after he lost his license for drunk driving, and he got arrested again and lost his license again for another whole year. Originally it was nine months. So he will have gone 21 months without a license.)

Anyway… I’ll just post this for now.

“Disappointed that you tried…?” No, I’m GRATEFUL that you tried.

November 8, 2010

Disappointed that you couldn’t be like me?
Disappointed that you tried to be like me?

No, I’m grateful that you tried to be like me. Thank you for trying.

What’s this all about?

I was thinking about the future of the Order.

What happens if I create the Order, but some of the members start to think they can do it better than I can? I see myself trying to start the Order, but some bossy people start thinking that THEY know what it’s about, and I don’t. They start complaining that I’m too extreme, that they don’t want to follow this rule or that rule, but they like the other ideas. They like this, but they don’t like that. They like the idea of getting a bunch of people together to cooperate with each other and help each other, or enjoy each other’s company, or work together, or trade together, or do car pools together, or cook together, or have their own religion together. But one or two of my ideas are too extreme, and they just don’t like that one particular thing, and they don’t think we should be doing it.

Maybe they don’t want us to be required to eat the same diet. Maybe they don’t like the idea of not being allowed to cut our hair, or, the idea of losing status, losing compliance, if you do cut your hair while you’re in the Order. There’s always going to be something that they don’t like. Some rule they don’t want to follow. They joined this group thinking it was one thing, but actually it turned out to be something else, and it’s not what they wanted.

What’s my reaction to that?

I’m grateful that you tried.

They tried to be like me, but they couldn’t. I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out, but I’m glad they tried to do it. We can still be friends.

I encourage them to start their own group with their own name and their own reputation. People aren’t competing to call themselves ‘retmeishka.’ That’s a unique glossolalia name with no meaning. I didn’t try to monopolize some really cool-sounding, meaningful name that everybody wants to have, for instance, ‘The Free Will Order,’ or something. I didn’t take that name. I called myself a unique, meaningless name.

Somewhere down the road, in the future, after I die, people will struggle to follow the original intent of the Order. They will struggle to define the founder’s original spirit. What would Nicole Binns do? What did she want for the Order? It’s just like any other religion. After someone dies, people struggle to follow their spirit, without any guidance except their own interpretation of that person’s writings, the memory of that person. They can only try. That person is gone, and that person can’t tell them whether they’re doing a good job or not. That person can’t tell them whether they’re accurately following the original intent, the original spirit, or not.

Sometime in the future, there will be a schism in the Order, just like there is with any religion. Someone will decide that the name retmeishka has been corrupted beyond repair. People are calling themselves retmeishka, but it no longer follows the original spirit of the founder. What do we do? Are we disappointed that you tried to be like me, and you failed?

No, I’m grateful that you tried. Both sides of the schism were trying to follow the original intent, the original spirit. They disagreed about what that spirit was. Thanks for trying.

And then, there are those people who aren’t even TRYING to follow the original spirit. They’re just making their own thing and naming it after themselves. What do I say about that? I say, go with my blessing. I WANT them to build their own groups. It’s helpful for people to have a group to be in, even if that particular group is doing something we disagree with. Usually, for the most part, a different group with minor disagreements isn’t doing anything really bad. Groups as such are helpful. They help people meet each other, work together, and cooperate. They support and guide people who don’t know what to do. They give people something to rebel against, something to disagree with, something to question. It’s better than having nothing at all.

So, sometime in the future, people will leave. They’ll disagree about the original spirit that we’re trying to follow, they’ll say that one person or the other person isn’t really following the original spirit. Or someone else will leave and create their own group, with their own spirit, and not even worry about what my original spirit was trying to do. Or they’ll be inspired by bits and pieces of it, but they don’t want the whole thing. They can all go with my blessing, and, thank you for trying. Thank you for trying to be like me, and, thank you for being yourself.

This is something that inevitably happens when you start an intentional community.

Straight Talk

September 21, 2010

4:43 PM 9/21/10

It’s not long until I go to Barnes & Noble tonight, the one ritual routine that I have faithfully followed.

So, some things happened that may have been puppet incidents. There is a conflict between what Curtis says and what he does – as always. I got an email from him saying: no one is hacking his email, he doesn’t need my help, he can pay his own child support. (All of a sudden now that I’ve started writing, there are a million things to say and I can’t say them all fast enough.) But he has been doing facebook comments that make it seem as though he’s reading *my* facebook page. That’s a typical puppet phenomenon. He says things that seem related to things I’ve said. The idea is that I’m supposed to think he is interested in my life, he’s still reading what I write, and he doesn’t want me to leave him. But he ignores my emails and says he doesn’t need my help, but he won’t tell me to leave him alone either. I am trying to get a straight answer out of him. (I like the name of my cameraphone, Straight Talk.)

I told Carrie in an email that it would be best if he blocked me on facebook so he couldn’t get any more emails from me, and also if he made his page private so that I couldn’t see it anymore and wouldn’t know what was going on in his life. I will probably resend the same email to him, not just Carrie.

I’ve been messing with two cameraphones. I bought them – first (yeah, my writing is jumbled today, too many thoughts at once) – first I bought one, and I thought it had a videocamera, but it didn’t. The sign above it at Wal-Mart said that it *did* have a videocamera. So I was going to return it, but instead of returning it, I just bought a second one, the higher-end one that was a little more expensive. It didn’t have a videocamera either. So the sign was completely wrong. None of them have a videocamera. They *do* both have a single-shot photo camera, just not a videocamera. So anyway, I haven’t returned either one, and haven’t decided which one I like more, and I’m keeping them both for now, and texting back and forth between them, and learning and troubleshooting. It turned out to be a happy accident that I bought two phones instead of one, because now I can send myself text messages and see how they look on the other end, and learn how to do it all without bugging other people.

They also have bluetooth. I need to learn how to use it. Nancy at Weis told me that she has a bluetooth router that lets her use her mobile phone to connect her laptop to the internet. In other words, her laptop is on, and it uses a wireless connection to a special bluetooth device, which connects to her phone, which connects to the net. You have to purchase the special router device. I’d look around at Best Buy to see if they have anything like that. I am getting the impression that there is a lot of stuff that my Straight Talk phone can’t do, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s the learning experience that matters. What I mean is, I can learn: ‘Gee, I really wish I could do *this*, but I can’t!’ so I know for future reference what features I want to have on my smartphone. If I find out that I want to do something, but I can’t, that’s the only way to learn what kind of phone I want to have, since I’ve never had one before. I’ve only had the cheapest, most basic Tracfones that don’t take pictures and don’t connect to the internet. All they can do is text, and actually, my oldest tracfone can’t send text messages because of some unexplained technical problem, so I bought a new tracfone a while back that’s able to send text messages (when I was trying to text Curtis).

It helps that I still have my iPod. I’ve made a bunch of new purchases of techno-devices in the last few months – many of them were puppet incidents, where ‘they’ decided to urge me to go out and buy something. All of this is a learning experience. I didn’t know anything about what an iPod was or what it could do. It’s actually easier to use than my smartphone (for surfing the net), but it doesn’t have its own internet connection, and it doesn’t have a camera. I thought it had a camera when I bought it, and I was asking a clueless Wal-Mart employee who wasn’t sure either, and he said he thought it had a camera. I kept it anyway, even though I got it home, opened it, and found out there was no camera.

I looked up ‘bluetooth ipod’ on the internet, and saw some pages where they found out that iPods were able to use bluetooth, but it wasn’t enabled yet, but the chip and the hardware was in there, and you had to have the latest operating system to be able to use it. If I figure out bluetooth, I might be able to do more with my phones and my iPod and my new laptop.

Summary of recent electronics purchases, bought sometime this year, after I went a really long time without buying any new gadgets:

1. New tracfone, able to send text messages. That was because of Curtis.
2. New laptop. (I already had another laptop, which is forbidden to connect to the net. That one was meant for me to do creative work on, like writing songs on Propellerheads Reason.) The new one is called a Netbook. It’s a tiny, minimal laptop meant to connect to the wireless internet. But it has useful programs on it, like Excel. I plan on using Excel to do my bookkeeping. It also has a webcam. I tried covering up the webcam by sticking the little iPod’s plastic sticker over top of it, the little sticker that originally comes on the iPod’s screen, but the sticker keeps lifting up. I’m paranoid about webcams because I don’t want hackers to set up my webcam to take naked pictures of me walking around in my bedroom with my computer on, and that kind of thing. It can happen. Not that it matters when I’m already being spied on by the highest-tech surveillance methods available on earth right now, and they can see me through my walls. But the lower-tech hackers could still gain something by doing that. Same goes for my camera phone. Hackers can find a way to take pictures automatically, save them in a secret place where you won’t see them listed in ‘my images’ or whatever folder, and then upload the images. It all depends on how dedicated the hackers are, and how badly they want to spy on you. There are almost seven billion people on earth, and a lot of them are hackers. And they spend hundreds of hours finding ways to do secret little things that nobody else knows how to do. And they post their secrets on the internet so the other hackers can use them.
3. New iPod.
4. New Straight Talk Phone #1.
5. New Straight Talk Phone #2.

The voices are fighting and fighting against me trying to separate myself from Curtis. They want to convince me that he still cares about me, he misses me, and so on. They want to convince me to keep trying and trying and trying to offer money to him. Every time I talk about my new phone on facebook, I get voices telling me that Curtis is upset about my getting a new phone.

I have to make it through this week. One more week of too many hours – about 72 hours total. Next week I’ve cut back at Weis, the place where I have painful memories and I cry every morning (unless I drink lots of coffee). It’s hard to describe the feelings I had for Curtis. Whenever we had a conversation, I felt this trusting pleasure simply by standing next to him and talking and listening. There was a feeling of warmth in my body, in my chest. I loved the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes, the warmth of his body when he was close to me, the trusting way he told me about what was going on in his life – and we never had enough time to talk, since we were on the clock and always in a hurry, always rushed to get back to work and not get in trouble. One time, he gave me a sprouted onion that would have gone in the trash. I cherished it as a gift, took it home, and planted it in a cup, and watered it. The sprouts grew for a few weeks, but I got sick for a few days – it was during the wintertime – and I didn’t water it, and it dried out and the sprouts died. I wanted to plant it outdoors and grow it. He just did it as a silly little thing, for the heck of it, but I took it as though it was a special, wonderful gift and I wanted to keep it alive.

Because of him, I’ve noticed that it’s very hard for adults to be close to teenagers or children. I’m thinking about this because of the voices trying to get me together with young boys, and talking about pedophilia, hebephilia, and so on. There are hardly any situations where I am close to young teenagers. And I can’t think of any social environment where adults ‘mix’ with teenagers and children. The more I think about it, the more it seems like this is wrong, something wrong with our society. Children only socialize with other children, at school, and after school together. The only reason I met Curtis was because he was a high school dropout who had to get a job, and he wasn’t going to college. All the older teens are still in school, and going to college, and you can only meet them if you work someplace like McDonald’s where there are always teenagers working. What if I was stuck working in an office environment with nothing but adults? I can’t believe I used to live that way. I used to work temp jobs in office environments where everybody was older. It’s so much fun being around young people. They’re more playful, more full of spirit, and they have so much more going on in their lives. There’s so much more life in them.

It makes me think about how ‘closed’ all of our houses and neighborhoods are. It makes me think of intentional communities, about how we would have little small cottages or tents or wigwams or whatever, something primitive, and when you walk out your door, your neighbor’s tent is right next to you, and you walk around from tent to tent and they are a very short distance apart. This desire is something that all of the intentional community people would understand, the desire to have your neighbors close to you. Our houses are too big, too far apart, with big giant lawns that have to be mowed with a lawnmower, instead of letting the cows eat the grass so that you can milk the cow and have your own raw milk for your family. It’s wasteful. The zoning laws probably forbid people to graze cows on their lawns. I get angry every time I drive down the road and I see the huge, huge, huge lawn and the person driving their lawnmower over it, while I myself would do anything to have a big lawn and my own cow grazing on it and my own raw milk for my family. Think of all the money people could save, all the money they could make, if it was ‘normal’ for everybody to use cows and goats to graze their lawns instead of a lawnmower, and they’d have their own milk.

It would be much easier to fall in love if we were closer to our neighbors, too, and if children and adults were mixing all day, if people weren’t isolated from each other. Intentional communities already know all about this. We would actually interact with people when we stepped outside. It’s also a desire to ‘trust’ your neighbors, that they will be the same neighbors forever, instead of changing and moving every year. There is so much turnover in every apartment complex. There are always people moving and leaving every year. In State College, the town, when I walk around and look at strangers on the street or in the stores, they don’t like to make eye contact. This is because we all know that we are all temporary. But in Bellefonte, strangers on the street and in the stores are trusting people. They make eye contact and they start up random conversations with you, as though they know you’re safe and you’ll always be there and you’ll meet them again next week. People in Bellefonte aren’t always changing and leaving the way people in State College do, because most of the people in State College are temporary students there.

I’m having my heart broken right now – the heartbreak has been an ongoing torture lasting for months and months and months as I’ve wanted to be with Curtis and I can’t – and that heartbreak is making me think about ‘What caused this to happen?’ The answer is usually ‘There’s something wrong with our society.’

I’ll post this for now. It’s random and it has lots of different topics in it. I don’t know why I’m so ADD today. I think I’m getting over a cold, because I was ‘hit by a train’ the last two days, and all I did was sleep, and I have a cold sore in my mouth.

Yeah, my email’s getting intercepted

February 14, 2010

I had a big spike in the number of viewers on the blog, the day that I mentioned the blog in my advertisement, but I still haven’t gotten emails except for the ones that have been changed to fake spam letters. I’m sure I would have gotten hate mail or something, anything at all, such as ‘Who are you to create your own religion?’ or ‘What is this fad diet you’re talking about? There’s no scientific data supporting that,’ or something. Not even a word of hate mail. I’d think people were curious or hostile or even just bored enough to send me a letter telling me what a moron I am, but no, not a word. Not a single word about ‘Is this a joke?’ or anything.

I missed the second meeting of the Order because of the snowstorm. I’m the only member attending the meeting, of course, and it’s not really a meeting – it’s just me giving people the opportunity to talk to me without getting their emails or phone calls intercepted by hackers. I don’t have a meeting agenda or application forms for people to fill out or anything formal at all. I still need to do more hackerproof advertisements and communication methods – which means, pieces of paper hung up on bulletin boards in the real world. I wouldn’t care so much if all the hackers did was snoop and read the email, but no, they have to intercept it and actually prevent me, or the other person, from getting it.

I am having a bad week. The chemical sensitivity problem is out of control and I think it’s the reason why I’m having heart attack symptoms – temporary, transient heart attacks that happen occasionally, several times a day. I think it is caused by grayanotoxin poisoning. That began on the day when I was ‘encouraged’ to go take photos up-close of the rhododendrons in Black Moshannon, and I got the poison on the bottom of my shoes and tracked it into my car. But I’m pretty sure it also comes from other members of that family, and my new apartment has two plants, which I think are domesticated azaleas, and they are also poisonous. They are in a couple places beside the parking lot, and I have to walk right next to one in order to get in and out of the laundry room.

Why don’t people know about transdermal poisoning? Why doesn’t the mainstream culture know that the whole rhododendron family is poisonous? First, people are taught that the only way to be poisoned is by eating something. Since we have enough food in the grocery store, we don’t usually go foraging, so nobody bothers teaching their kids to recognize and avoid the local poisonous plants. They know that the kids won’t ever have any reason to go eating wild plants. And since eating is ‘the only’ way to get poisoned, we don’t need to worry about knowing anything about them at all.

I searched on the net for ‘heart attack’ and ‘rhododendrons.’ There was one news article I found about a guy who dropped dead of a heart attack while judging the rhododendrons at a show of the Rhododendron Society, or something like that. They said, ‘At least he died while doing something he loved.’ I can’t believe that they don’t know he died BECAUSE of doing something he loved! Touching and handling any plants in the rhododendron family is suicidal.

Plant poison goes directly through the skin. You can get it by touching the plant or by walking next to the plant and getting it on your shoes. You can inhale the rhododendron poison if you drive past the plants in your car. When a hunter dies of a heart attack out in the woods, or when a seven year old cub scout dies suddenly of a heart attack while hiking in New Mexico (yes, I read some news article with something like that, but I might have the details wrong), it probably happens because they touched a poisonous plant next to the hiking trail and didn’t know it. Out in the desert, it might be a species of Ephedra. Here in Pennsylvania, it’s rhododendron that kills you.

So I have to patch up the parts of the carpet that have gotten contaminated, which means I will be laying down cardboard boxes all over the floor, and waiting until I can buy my own house, possibly a trailer or RV, where I can have vinyl floors instead of carpets, and I don’t have to worry about landlords or handymen coming into the house and tracking stuff around because they don’t know that I have certain areas where you can walk or where you can’t.

I need to get in touch with the self-reliance people and the survivalists. I know that some of them are connected with Libertarians and other minarchist-anarchist groups. They know more about getting off the grid, living in an RV, and other things you can do to drastically reduce your rent payments. I agree with FSK and others who have argued that property taxes are just another type of rent paid to the government, for all practical purposes. I’ve had to cut my work hours because of the heart problem and I shouldn’t have to work so many hours anyway just to pay my rent.

It would be very difficult for me to get a roommate when I have this contamination and chemical sensitivity. Still, I’m considering getting a roommate. That would reduce my rent, but not enough. It would help – I’d pay only about $200 instead of $400 (it’s actually $415 right now – it went up) – but I’d like to cut it more than that, but it’s illegal to put more people into a ‘single’ apartment even though it’s a huge place and I could fit six people in there if they had a minimalist lifestyle without many belongings, or kept their belongings in storage. It violates the fire codes or something if you have too many people.

So anyhow, though, about the meetings, I’m not quitting, since I enjoy going and reading a book at Barnes & Noble for its own sake, and I usually do that on my days off. The official time is Tuesdays, 7:00 – 8:00 PM, at Barnes & Noble in State College, PA. Anybody who has experienced problems with telephones or email would be able to talk to me there. It’s hard to approach a total stranger who seems to be absorbed in reading Harry Potter, but I can read the book anytime – it can wait. I might sit someplace else, maybe not next to the cafe, but I’ll be in there someplace.

There will also be some ads written on paper hung up in physical locations around the area, but I haven’t made those yet. I also need a web page where the details are written down neatly, so that people can go glance at it. I need a paper leaflet that can be handed out too.

I keep thinking about Diana Leafe Christian’s books about intentional communities, about which ones fail and which ones succeed.

This doesn’t involve any large amounts of money. The only money involved is the cost of transporting yourself to Barnes & Noble at that particular hour of the day, whether it’s by bus or by car, and whether you have to take a day off work or change your schedule in order to get there. So I don’t have the problem that the intentional communities have, where you need to find trustworthy people who will make payments on the land that they buy in your community, and hundreds of thousands of dollars are at stake. I like to say, ‘This is nothing.’ There’s nothing going on, except people talking about unusual topics that people don’t usually talk about. I get voices in my head responding to the fact that I put up an advertisement for the Order. They were all excited about it, and also, uncertain – are we doing the right thing? So I keep saying, this is nothing. All we’re doing is meeting people and talking.

I want to think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings without being controlled. I want to speak my own words, read a book without getting zapped and distracted, pay attention when I’m having a conversation with someone, interpret things the way I want to interpret them, look at the future and make my own plans, use my insight to understand the world, without being attacked. For that, I need some technical people who can advise me about how to build a shield – although the first prototype shields are just low-tech, cheap things that don’t work very well – but in the long run there will have to be shielded rooms that actually work. People need someplace to go, temporarily, where they can’t be attacked. They need someplace to sleep without having any dreams and without being woken up every hour or two and forced to remain awake after having had only a couple hours of sleep every day.

personality type again; the religious order

January 12, 2010

Yesterday they told me I was a Four, and not an ISTP but an ISFP. (I’m having a hard time writing – for a variety of reasons, I’m having a chemical sensitivity reaction right now.) The people who zap me whenever I try to ‘look within’ by meditating have also been forcing me to believe that I was this type, or that type, around and around the enneagram, all this time, instead of telling the truth.

I tested my laptop – it’s working. That’s a great relief. I haven’t tested my other computer yet. I’m guessing that it’s okay if the laptop is okay. I looked at my old photos from a few months ago when it was still summertime. I took pictures of the duckpond and also videos. When I watched the videos, I felt like I was playing Myst. I could put together videos into some kind of Myst-like walkthrough game.

Last night when I woke up, there was an incident of voices telling me a very negative interpretation of a person. Then, later on, other voices were going against that interpretation and telling me something which fits more with my official assumptions. My official assumption is this: Everyone on earth today, I assume they are puppets. I assume they are not in control of their own actions, that they were born into a mind control system, and that this system, and its operators, take advantage of their vulnerabilities, but that’s not the same as saying that they decided to do some particular thing themselves. People are not free to do things on their own, not at this time in history.

They let me attempt to think of what to write next, for about ten seconds. Then I got zapped. When thinking of what to write, I think of my audience and the purpose I am trying to accomplish. This blog is not a purpose-oriented or goal-oriented blog, which means that it serves the purposes of the murderers. It sends hidden messages, or open and obvious messages, to whoever THEY want to talk to. It is not MY purposes or goals.

Soul-Time: They, and I, had been using this phrase to try to describe what exactly it is that the murderers are destroying. They do not physically kill your body permanently. They also do not permanently destroy your brain – or rather, they usually don’t, but they can, and they sometimes do. What they usually destroy is the time that you spend alive, being yourself, being who you are. The amount of time you spend being yourself is drastically reduced, or nonexistent. You spend a few seconds here and there being free, being who you are. It is indeed a permanent murder, because that time cannot be undone, it cannot be redone, it cannot be brought back. They have murdered the hours of your life. However, if they stop zapping you, your soul will immediately reawaken, but time will have been lost, and memories will not have been made, that ought to have been made. You ought to reawaken, and remember decades and decades of being yourself, all the time, but instead, when you reawaken, you remember decades of being a slave, or a zombie, or a puppet, or however you describe it – you remember decades of being something other than yourself, doing things you would not have done.

Why is this different from simply talking to people and being influenced by them? Real people in the real world interact with us and influence us all the time. It’s different because with electronic attackers, we can’t choose to leave. We are zapped awake over and over again every night, and we get only a couple hours of sleep, because somebody decided that sleep either isn’t that important, or it’s not profitable for their entertainment scheme, or it would allow you to have too much freedom and your mind would heal itself from the damage that they do to you. In a real relationship, we can choose to walk away, and we don’t get zapped awake all night long by someone forcing us to hear them talking about things. We don’t get hypnotized in our dreams to do things we don’t want to do, in a real relationship. We don’t ‘rehearse’ every word of a future conversation that we are going to have with somebody. (All ‘REHEARSALS’ are fake: there is NO SUCH THING as rehearsing a conversation in advance, unless you are preparing for a formal speech. If you EVER find yourself ‘practicing’ what you are going to say to somebody days, or hours, or minutes before you say it, IT IS FAKE. You are being forced to say those words, and they ‘test’ how you react to the words they are forcing you to say. It means you are being forced to tell lies. Whatever you would have said in the real world, it was something different.) We don’t get fake emotions and fake urges and impulses that make us get up and go do something else instead of whatever we were doing. In a real relationship, we don’t get puppet words put in our mouth (or our blogs) that will permanently damage our relationships and make people never trust us again.

I am continuing to write the rules of the Order. I’m not just writing more and more rules. Instead, I’m organizing them, categorizing them, deciding what’s most important, and rephrasing them and simplifying them, so that it can be expressed as a small, simple rule to follow, instead of a long paragraph of rambling commentary. There are a small number of core rules or basic rules, and then there are a lot of secondary rules that are less central or less important.

The central rule or belief of the Order is about electronic mind control: if you can’t get past that particular core belief, then you are not in the Order. That is its main belief, the idea that all of who we are, all of what we experience, is constantly vulnerable to being controlled by external attackers. I don’t know if everyone IS being controlled, but I know that they CAN be controlled. It’s impossible to pray, or meditate, or psychoanalyze, or look within, or even ask the simple question ‘Why?’ to anyone on earth today, without getting some kind of lies or fake, distorted answer instead of whatever they themselves would have said.

Everyone everywhere is constantly vulnerable to being controlled, but it might not always happen. Again, I don’t know how much everyone else is targeted and controlled. Some people seem to attract more attention from the murderers than other people do, so the people who are being ignored are, probably, being themselves most of the time. Some of the system is computer-controlled, using artificial intelligence, so it doesn’t require constant human supervision. That automated system is constantly interacting with everybody, regardless of whether those people are ‘targeted’ or not. But this is only my theory or observation or opinion. I haven’t proven it.

I’m glad I read Diana Leafe Christian’s books about intentional communities. I am using a lot of the things that I remember from those books. They talked about how to do the right things to make an intentional community survive. There are lots of groups that fail, or that never really start up. You can’t just sit around with a bunch of people talking about what you’d like to do. There has to be a membership process and it has to be formal and serious. You have to actually ‘apply’ to join the group. And the group has to be able to say ‘no’ to a lot of people.

In the beginning, when the group is weak, you have to work with like-minded people. Later on, when it’s stronger, has more resources and more members, more momentum and more routines, you can allow people to join even if they are less like-minded. So in the beginning, there will be very strict rules about what you have to do to enter the group, but later on it will not have to be so strict.

So that’s why I said that rule number 1, ‘mind control,’ is the one crucial belief that you have to ‘get past’ in order to join. If you don’t agree with those beliefs, you’re not in the Order. (I didn’t write down all the specific beliefs, but it’s stuff like, believing that it really exists and it’s happening in the world today, and also, choosing NOT to use those weapons on people without their consent.) That is one of its core reasons for existing. The rest of it is family-oriented and health-oriented, so that we can raise children who are mentally and physically as healthy as we can make them. This is because we are planning for a long future, WITHOUT some kind of apocalypse destroying the world, and so I am thinking of the world my children and descendants will live in. Raising healthy children is the best way that I know to prevent people from becoming criminals and murderers.

religious routines

July 20, 2009

i went to the chuck palahniuk website a few days ago; it was associated with thinking about martin. the hyperactive enneagram sevens are personified there.

they’ve been talking to me about how chuck palahniuk’s father was killed, and how his books are partly an expression of the rage from that.

i have voices pretending to be newbies, but of course i can’t know if they really are newbies. there will be real newbies only if i deliberately go hunting for them, and invite them to my sites. i don’t have an organized admission system yet. that’s something i read in diana leafe christian’s books – that the admission process is important for any intentional community. it filters out members who aren’t really serious, and it communicates the missions and values to new people so that they know exactly what they’re doing and how it will be done.

i believe that no group, no social movement, will survive unless its people meet locally and eat meals together. they have been reminding me that holding hands is very important. we will take hands before a meal. meals must be several times a week. i would like meals to be very frequent. that is the only way a group survives. DLC also said that singing together is important. so it will be like a church in that respect. i don’t know what we will sing. it doesn’t have to be a lot. this community is a ‘way of life.’ it’s not just something that you do on the side.

groups must have reliable routines that occur frequently and regularly. members must trust that the routines will happen again and again – they can’t be sporadic or intermittent. the routines cannot just happen whenever we spontaneously feel like doing them. so we need schedule-oriented people to help enforce this.

this is a day when i get manic and impatient, and frustrated. i want everything to be already started now. nothing exists yet, but i have these ‘newbies’ in my head getting excited about the idea of a group.


someone tried to explain to me how it is that the artificial intelligence (or artificial stupidity) is able to respond and interact so quickly with the victims. it makes people wonder if they have an implanted chip, or nanotech, because the response sometimes seems very fast. i am still going to assume that it comes from outside, not inside. once you learn that people can be manipulated without any implants, then you can draw the conclusion that everyone everywhere is vulnerable, a potential puppet. there are people who do have implants, but i’m saying, they are able to do almost everything without needing implants.

the libertarian party: harry browne and others complained that the libertarian party was weakened because they stopped doing an official ‘membership drive.’ they used to deliberately go out and try to get a certain number of new members, according to a goal. then they stopped doing that. people are now complaining that the libertarian party is corrupted and useless.

that could be true, and i am not going to spend my energy working with the libertarian party – i used to think that i might possibly do that. but it was after i read the news article,’evidence mounts that the vote was hacked’ (or ‘has been hacked,’ i forget the exact words) that i decided it wasn’t worth wasting effort on voting. i never saw another news article like that one. i think it’s a taboo subject, censored out, not allowed to talk about.

they complain about voting machines, and yeah, voting machines do suck – i used one the last time i voted – try doing a write-in vote and you’ll see how awful it is. it’s easy to use unless you want to vote for somebody who isn’t on their list. but it wasn’t the voting machines that were the problem. the problem was because all the votes were recorded on an ordinary computer in an ordinary excel file and sent across the internet to another ordinary computer, which was getting hacked into and someone just had to rewrite the numbers, and that was all. nothing complicated.

that was one of the last straws making me officially an anarchist. what type of anarchist? there are so many types. my feeling is, the government is within – i am the government (or ‘we are’ the government) – i am responsible for making the rules and creating a community that lives by those rules, or joining an existing intentional community.

that means that we are responsible for some unpleasant things that we wish didn’t exist, such as the people in prison, and sick people, and interacting with other existing governments that disagree with us. all of those things are real, and difficult, and expensive, and we are responsible for doing something with them. a religion is similar to a government in some ways, except that you are allowed to leave. you can quit being part of a religion.

if you can’t quit a religion, that’s called a ‘gang.’ or organized crime. it’s not the same thing. if somebody attacks you after you leave a religion, that’s not the type of religion that i’m talking about.


and right now, i’m just writing to entertain myself. i’m waiting until i go to work.

random notes: revenge, consensus, chemicals, and mange

March 15, 2009

the concept of ‘revenge’ and ‘justice’ (justice in the sense of ‘punishment’ WITHOUT the goal of consensus/healing) –

consensus can only happen if people:
1. share the same mission statement and agree on that mission
2. have equal access to power
3. have been explicitly trained in consensus

sociocracy – word of the day. similar to the consensus technique, but developed in netherlands, slightly different from consensus. saw it in the book ‘finding community,’ near the very end of the book. i’m going to google that word and read about it – they only mentioned it without explaining it. i don’t know anything about it yet.

when people are in the random anarchy of mainstream society, their mission statements are all random. they don’t agree. some people think ‘my mission is to kill as many ragheads as i can before they kill me,’ which is NOT MY mission. so i’m not going to EVER reach consensus with somebody who has that as their mission; however, we can reach consensus on issues that are general, universal, things that we have in common. diplomats and mediators are skilled at looking for universal needs and rights and things we have in common.

revenge is something that i just didn’t ever ‘get.’ i never had the urge to get revenge on people. i don’t know why. there is such a thing as self-defense. but not ‘revenge.’ revenge means that you aren’t protecting yourself against an immediate threat. instead, the goal is to ‘punish’ someone and make them suffer, and watch them while they suffer. the goal is to cause pain and suffering, but not to protect yourself against a direct threat.

maybe the goal is to waste somebody’s resources, their money, their spirit, their energy, to destroy them and break them so that they remain alive but become harmless. i have been the victim of that myself. (most TIs would agree with that. it’s a whole big topic to talk about the ALTERNATIVES to getting revenge on people, and how people can cooperate better in society – that’s why i’m reading diana leafe christian’s books, which i am enjoying so much that i’m advertising them every chance i get.) i think that a lot of the urges to use and/or handle chemicals were triggered by them:

(**note, the OTHER incident i’m thinking of is: my decision to try to grow herbs inside the house MIGHT POSSIBLY have been ‘their idea’ instead of my own free will. that’s why i am suggesting that my contamination might have been the result of something they suggested for me to do. i know for certain that the plastic dental fillings were their idea… however, the mercury-silver amalgam filling that i had was bad enough that… it’s controversial whose ‘fault’ the plastic dental fillings were. i wrote that story on my other blog: long story short, i had one metallic filling, and wanted to get rid of it, for years. but i hesitated, because during my research i saw that ALL the alternative types of fillings WERE ALSO dangerous in different ways, so i felt safer keeping it the way i had it. but the summer of 2008, ‘THEY,’ and it was *definitely* their idea, ‘they’ decided that i would just ‘leap without looking’ and switch the filling to plastic, even though i had hesitated and wasn’t sure whether that was safe/effective/durable enough. meanwhile, the dentist told me i had a new cavity on another tooth, so i ended up with two plastic fillings; the result? months of extremely severe fibrocystic breast pain, which began THE VERY DAY AFTER i got the plastic fillings. bisphenol-a, a type of xenoestrogen.**)

(*warning, this is a gross, medical, body-related topic*)

for instance, i sprayed the toilet seat with bleach because one morning, i woke up with mange on my butt (actually, i don’t think i woke up with it, i got it after going to the bathroom), which can ONLY happen if you sit down directly on a mange-infested toilet seat or car seat or some other chair, like the barstool when i went to the bar that one time (which i wrote on my retmeishka blog several months ago). it gives you mange on the underside of your back legs and your butt. i woke up one morning with mange on my butt and no explanation for how it got there. this is a big, obvious piece of evidence suggesting that either some outsider sat on my toilet, or else i was forced to go someplace with somebody while sleeping. so ‘they’ FREAKED OUT and forced me to get up and spray the toilet with bleach as soon as i recognized that my butt was itching with mange that nobody could account for. and as a result, my house is full of bleach/ammonia fumes. and this has directly led to the ruining and wasting of several months of my life as i have been incapacitated by various forms of indoor air pollution during a season when i cannot open the windows without freaking out the landlord.

(*it was kind of an accident. however, i would not have sprayed bleach on the toilet seat of my own free will. i would have probably wiped it off with something, or used some chemical other than bleach. it was my tilex or lysol or whatever, that stuff that is made for bathrooms, and it said it contained bleach. the ‘urge’ to go do that was a fake urge, and i knew that it was fake when it happened, and i remember being connected with ‘them’ whenever i was urged to go do that.*)

mange: you become accustomed to YOUR OWN mange, but highly allergic to OTHER PEOPLE’S mange. when i get mange from animals, it is very allergenic in the beginning, and i get big, obvious scratches on my butt, arms, shoulders, etc. i cannot wear the shared coat at work, or sit on the office chair at the desk in the back of the deli, or sit on any chairs in the break room, or any chairs anywhere, or bus seats, or bar stools, or restaurant chairs, without getting mange on my butt. for toilet seats, i put down toilet paper all over the seat first.

(*warning… more gross stuff about skin parasites!*)

but after the mange has been on you for a few days, you sort of scratch them off, and whatever remains, you tolerate. you do, literally, scratch them off your skin – they say that when people get scabies while they’re in a coma in a hospital, they don’t scratch, and the scabies gets really bad. if you can’t reach it or can’t scratch it, you can’t remove the mites. you do, successfully, remove the mites when you scratch and dig at them, but it damages the skin and causes scarring. I BELIEVE that the scarring and the skin damage is present BEFORE you scratch it off with your fingernails (i’m not sure of that, it’s only slightly damaged prior to scratching, and yeah, the scratch does cause more damage, but i’m saying, it’s okay to scratch, it’s necessary, it’s helpful, and it IS ABSOLUTELY *NOT* A DELUSION OR ‘BAD HABIT’ OR ‘SELF-DESTRUCTIVE/SELF-HARMING’ BEHAVIOR). people mistakenly believe ‘don’t scratch’ is good advice, because they think that scratching CAUSES the scarring and damage. but, the MITES THEMSELVES are digging tunnels, which causes damage and scarring. BEFORE you scratch. however, the pattern looks a little different – you will see more circuluar dots of ‘rash’ if you haven’t scratched it, but when you scratched it, you will leave a linear scrape in the direction that your fingernail was moving; however, this successfully digs the mites and the eggs out of the skin and drops them on the floor or wherever. it really does remove the mites, and scratching is necessary.

(*psychotronic harassment issue: every time there’s a REAL medical problem, i get psychotronics people who then try to demonstrate to me that ‘they’ are able to cause that same symptom by using their technology, such as itching: some TIs experience itching as one of their attacks. but it’s a mistake to think that ALL symptoms are nothing but criminal attacks. medical problems are REAL, and they exist WITH OR WITHOUT electronic harassment. medical problems are part of the ‘real world.’ just because someone CAN imitate a particular symptom, by using an electronic weapon, DOES NOT IMPLY that this symptom is ALWAYS caused by an attack. for instance, restless leg syndrome is real – it’s caused by eating certain foods such as wheat, dairy, salicylates in fruits and vegetables, or artificial flavors and colors. (see ‘feingold diet’ or ‘failsafe diet.’) but it is ALSO caused by criminal attacks, and it might also be caused by non-sentient, ambient, accidental electromagnetic fields that you’re hypersensitive to. there is a lot of overlap between real medical problems, and things that make you hypersensitive to anything at all, and criminal attacks which become more severe/less tolerable if you are already sick/sensitive/on drugs/off drugs/in withdrawal, etc. i can usually tell the difference between food-induced restless legs, versus assault-induced restless legs. it feels different and has a different pattern.*)

mange is real. dermatologists don’t know what it is, and don’t believe it exists. (they will call it ‘eczema’ or something, i know because i already went to the doctor about it years ago and they told me that it can’t possibly be scabies, because scabies only has a particular pattern – they say scabies only appears on the hands and fingers, or in a couple other specific places. well then, my answer is: so it’s SOME OTHER parasite instead of the typical scabies, but it is definitely a mange-like, scabies-like parasitic mite, which moves between humans and animals, and which survives on carpets and seats and toilets. animals show symptoms too: they started scratching whenever the big mange outbreak began in my town several years ago.)

i used to be fighting that taboo, except then i was distracted by other taboos that were more important (such as electronic mind control), so i stopped worrying about mange. plus, it got better when i stopped visiting eric’s house. eric had cats, and i love cats and i want to have them again someday, but you MUST vacuum the carpets and the furniture. and the cats need a way to remove mange without ivermectin, because ivermectin can kill you, and i had been planning to use it on myself, and i’m glad i didn’t. i used flea powder all over my carpet, and as a result, was poisoned, and had chronic fatigue for most of …. 2004? 2003? and couldn’t work. and i mean, extremely severe and totally incapacitating chronic fatigue.

snipe had mange really badly, and it was the typical, classic, obvious cat mange. a veterinarian would have been able to diagnose it and recognize it as mange. it was obvious. he had it all over his face and he was losing the fur, and it was bloody and scratched looking. snipe also had something wrong with his mouth, and had difficulty chewing, like there was a broken tooth or cavity.

and he also had greasy fur. greasy fur on cats (and dogs) is a sign of overall ill health. that’s why i’m interested in greasy hair on humans: it could be a symptom of malnutrition, such as not eating enough raw foods or raw fats, and eating the wrong kinds of fats, eating cooked fats, or something: there might actually be a reason why people have greasy hair. so, if you shampoo your hair, you might be hiding or removing a symptom that provides you with important information about your health. i don’t know for sure. greasy hair might just be inevitable for certain racial groups. according to what i’ve read, caucasians and some other groups, like mediterraneans, get greasy faces and greasy hair, and africans don’t. africans could probably never wash their hair at all, and not notice a thing, partly because the natural afro texture (which i love) stands up instead of lying down flat. (i haven’t written much about this here, but i love racial and ethnic genetic variety, and i actively favor racial mixing.) i’m not sure of this, because it’s based on reading, instead of my own observations.

this whole topic came about because of the incident where i woke up and sat on the toilet and got mange from it, as though somebody else had been sitting on the toilet. it was a goldilocks moment. the three bears came home and said ‘somebody’s been sitting on my toilet.’ if only it were a humorous situation – but it isn’t, it’s an electronic mind control/stalking/house break-in incident. (at least, a *suspected* incident. i really did find it unusual to have such an intense allergic reaction to the mange on the toilet that morning, when it had been fine the night before, and i hadn’t noticed any scratching at all.)

(*apologies for mentioning goldilocks. ‘they’ put those kinds of images in people’s heads sometimes – or else they make you see offensive advertisements on tv or on the internet – and then they ‘button-push’ a fake ‘traumatized’ emotion/sensation to go along with it, trying (and failing) to connect the fake trauma with the images. if you figure out that the emotion is fake, you can teach yourself to disconnect the fake feelings from whatever they wanted to ‘trigger’ it with. you can at least try to – it’s hard to do sometimes. recognizing fake emotions as fake was helpful for me – i’m not the one who’s angry, it’s a fake feeling of rage/rape/violation/disgust/loathing/hatred, etc.*)

but the mange-from-somebody-else causes intense itching, whereas your own mange doesn’t. you don’t get horrible scratches from sitting on the toilet if you’re the only person who sat there.

so i woke up and complained about the mange, and whoever was listening to me, they freaked out, and forced me to go spray bleach on the toilet. i’m wondering if they freaked out merely because they enjoy the aesthetic beauty of the skin on my butt, and didn’t want me to get more of the horrible scars that i already have, or whether they freaked out because the mange on the toilet was an obvious piece of incriminating evidence that somebody was in my house. either way, the bleach on the toilet triggered the fumes. or it seems to have done that.

i still don’t completely understand the source of the fumes in the bathroom. it still seems to be a chemical mix, but it might even be rising up out of the drains, which isn’t supposed to happen, because they have a ‘u-bend’ for that reason, to prevent gases from rising up. maybe it could rise up from ABOVE the u-bend, instead of below.

whoaa…. holy crap, i was connected to the internet the whole time i was writing this!!! i thought i was offline. crap, i’ve been on for over an hour without surfing. oh well.

Trying to meet new people is torture!

March 11, 2009

I’m using a couple of dating websites to try to meet new people.  (Hey, this has a wordcount!  Wow!  You can tell I never actually use the wordpress text editor to type directly into.  I’m always excited about discovering new features.)  There are some reasons why I decided to do this.

I’ve decided that I want to have children before it’s too late.  For a while I didn’t want to, partly because of the electronic harassment.  I’m having a hard time writing, even right now, because they’re telling me word-for-word what to say, and I hate that.  (This is why I always emphasize ‘Puppets, not perps,’ as my explanation for why people seem to do or say things that are directed at you personally – they control people like puppets and put words in their mouth, and I know they do it to me.)

Anyway I thought that I could not bear to have children in a world of electronic mind control.  I know to expect that the children will be manipulated and attacked while they’re in the womb, from the instant they’re conceived, and they’ll have nightmares, and everything will happen to them that has happened to me – I’ve read that other people see it happening to their children.

But I decided that I want to have children anyway.  I don’t want to miss the opportunity and then regret it at the end of my life.   And I believe in the ‘rightness’ of having children, ever since I read a book by Julian Simon a few years ago that argued against the popular belief that ‘the world is overpopulated and you shouldn’t have children.’  And I believe a lot of things about how children should be born (natural childbirth, in a standing or squatting position chosen by the mother) and fed (extended breastfeeding, and then later, diets that avoid artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives, along with certain other chemicals and foods – like the Feingold Diet) and how they should be educated, and everything.  I have all these opinions about how things should be done, but for a long time, I wouldn’t consider myself as being able to have children.  Instead I looked at it as ‘This is what I believe OTHER people should be doing.’

I have to find someone who will tolerate, or agree with, my unusual beliefs and practices.  We have to agree on how to raise the children.  That’s already hard enough, but also, I have some anxiety about marrying only one man, and have been wondering about polyandry.  There is a reason for this.  The economy is very unreliable and unstable – businesses go bankrupt, people get laid off again and again.  Nobody can hold a job for more than a couple of years.  It isn’t stable enough to just get a husband who will go out and work for a long time and make enough money to raise our children for several decades without getting laid off.

So I think about the idea of having more than one husband, something kind of like an income-sharing community, which I’ve been reading about in Diana Leafe Christian’s books.  And that makes it even less likely that I would find a husband – he would have to tolerate the presence of  ‘other husbands’ in the house – and probably not many people would tolerate that.

The polyandry arrangement couldn’t be a legal marriage – it would have to be something informal.

I am seeing Peter, who is married and has one child.  He is sick enough that he probably won’t live long enough to be a father to any more children.  He’s on dialysis, and he’s going to live for a while, but probably not for two decades (which is my time estimate for how long we will need to raise the children enough that they can live independently).   Plus, I don’t want to marry him – we disagree about a lot of very important things.  I would love to give Peter another child, if only because I know the child would be beautiful and intelligent, and everything that I find attractive about Peter I expect would be handed down.  But that’s not enough of a good reason to have a child with someone – I need to be sure that the child will grow up with a father.

This is now going to be a bunch of venting and griping.  I hate trying to use dating websites.  People write these uninformative, boring, meaningless, trivial, two-line profiles that tell me nothing about them whatsoever.  The only people who write anything useful at all are computer programmers, and there seem to be thousands of computer programmers who use dating websites.  Computer programmers are all well and good, and I can be friends with them, and I have a lot in common with them, but I am not necessarily looking for that particular personality type to be my husband.  But they’re all over the dating websites and they’re the only ones who can type more than two sentences in their profiles.  So if you ever need to find a programmer, you know where to look.

So I have to somehow look for somebody who seems interesting.  And all their profiles look the same – clueless, innocent, normal people who have no concept of the world that I live in, with my electronic harassment and mind control, my chemical sensitivities, my grooming experiments and my fascination with long hair, my countercultural beliefs and practices.  All of the people are normal, clueless, and boring.

People are emailing me even though I wrote a lot of really scary stuff in my profile.  I told the truth about everything with an emphasis on all the really negative things that we have to accept in order to work together.  When they email me and say things like ‘We have a lot of common interests,’ I’m like, ‘What profile are you reading?’  I don’t see a single common interest among the interests that they listed (football!  baseball!  outdoors!  weight lifting!) and my list of interests.  And they don’t mention anything at all about the strangeness of all the stuff that I wrote, or their thoughts about it, or any reaction to it at all.  They just ignore it!

I try to write back to some of these people.  I also try to proactively go out and look at other people who I might want to initiate contact with.  All the profiles look boring and meaningless.  When I write back, there is absolutely nothing to talk about.  They don’t show a single sign of intelligence or comprehension about anything at all.

And meanwhile, I am still trying to straighten out what happened with Martin.  I haven’t told the entire Martin story yet.  It’s only on retmeishka and not on my ‘public’ blog, because he and I work together, and I don’t want to call too much attention to it.  But it’s torture trying to meet new people whenever this thing happened with Martin, when my heart has recently been broken, when I am afraid that the same thing could happen again, when I still haven’t disconnected from him.  I was trying to reply to someone’s email at the dating site, and I felt like I was going to start crying.  All of my body was screaming ‘no! no! i don’t want to!’  I don’t want to expend effort to meet these boring people who aren’t what I want!  I don’t want this duty of artificially meeting them and trying to make conversation with them when there’s nothing to talk about.

Here is the Long Story Short version of what happened with Martin.

Actually, I doubt that I will be able to make the long story short.

Spring, 2008 – ‘They,’ the voices, called my attention to Martin.

And yes, I usually avoid talking directly about sexual topics, but this is my ‘private’ blog so it doesn’t really matter here.  ‘They’ are always involved with sexual arousal and sexual fantasies, but it doesn’t usually cause much distress or anger, unless I am using my antidepressant (St. John’s Wort) and am going into withdrawal from it, or having side effects from it – the sjw intensifies harassment and negative emotions, and makes me get angrier when they interact with me.  I still do use it sometimes because it is enormously helpful in getting household chores or projects done, or doing anything challenging at all, anything that requires prolonged effort or planning or thinking.  But I always know to watch out for conflicts with ‘them’ getting worse when I have been using the drug.

Well, last spring, during one of the incidents of arousal/fantasies, they were showing me all of my co-workers and asking me which ones I found attractive, asking me which people I could imagine having sex with.  So they emphasized him, called attention to him, and asked me if I found him attractive, and asked me a lot of questions about him.

He and I had had a few brief interactions and conversations but didn’t know each other or talk outside of work.  But I was attracted to him and saw him as ‘my type.’

There were a couple of puppet incidents where it seemed like they forced him to do or say certain things to me, and I decided that he was innocent and that he didn’t understand what he was saying or doing.  I see that happening all the time and I use the ‘puppets, not perps’ interpretation of the events that happen.

Anyway, they continued asking me questions about him, and focusing my attention on him.  And one day, I was feeling moody enough to have a bout of crying.  I might have had PMS (they call it PMDD or something nowadays) or I might have been in withdrawal from my sjw, but for whatever reason, I really needed to cry, and was able to.  I began crying about Martin.  I didn’t want to destroy him, I didn’t want to ruin him – I was sure that he was in danger if he and I became friends – I was sure that he was a healthy, innocent person who would become a victim of the electronic attacks if he and I became friends or had any contact with each other.  But I felt a sense of inevitability, that something was going to happen soon between us, that very soon we were going to connect with each other somehow, and I was terrified that he would be at risk because of interacting with me.

Well, it was an amusing incident where he made a joke about me, actually was kind of making fun of me, but not really – I called him on the phone, at work, to ask him a work-related question, and he joked to a co-worker that I was ‘talking dirty to him’ on the phone.  The co-worker told me what he said.  I thought it was funny, and he apologized to me –  but the result was that I gave him my phone number and asked him to call me at home.  This was the ‘we are inevitably going to connect with each other’ incident.

Then, ‘they’ got involved.  That is, they got involved more than they already had been.  I’m making a long story short, but there was an incident where I thought that I had been drugged by somebody while I was sleeping, because I woke up having strange drug side effects that were different from St. John’s Wort or any drug that was in my house.  I was then forced to write word-for-word an email to him where they sat there dictating exactly what I would say and how I would say it.  A lot of puppeteering incidents happened where I was forced to say or write certain things to him that I would not otherwise have said, things which were not natural for me to say or do.  So, they were very involved.

Very quickly, he stopped replying to my emails, and then told me that he had another girlfriend.  I was then forced to send him more emails every time I used my sjw, all summer while he was gone, when he went home from school.  I had to use my sjw to do my tasks and projects, and every time I used it, they took advantage of the drug making me more suggestible, and they would dictate word-for-word what I would say to him in emails, and they would wake me up every morning with some new thought or question that I absolutely had to ask him in another email – while I was no longer receiving any replies from him.  I no longer knew whether he was even getting my emails or not.

And I was terrified because they had done this exact same thing to me before, and it resulted in my getting convicted of harassment and thrown into a mental hospital, in 2003.  That was when the attacks began – 2003, during the harassment court case, when I finally became aware that I was being attacked, that it wasn’t just me, that I wasn’t just weird or clingy or neurotic, but instead, I was being forced, as a puppet, to chase after guys who wanted to avoid me, who would then accuse me of stalking and harassment.  So I was terrified that this would happen again.

Well, Martin came back from summer vacation and we began to pass each other at work again, but not say anything to each other.  I no longer knew if he was getting my emails, because I thought the hackers could be interfering.  I have known about computer hackers since 2000, when the problems first became very noticeable – it was 2000 when I became aware of the existence of hacking/cyberstalking/cyberharassment, and 2003 when I became aware of electronic mind control and nonlethal/electronic weapon attacks (and how the hacking and the weapons were connected – but aren’t always necessarily).

So right now I have just been trying to avoid Martin and not harass him and not contact him or send him any emails or do anything that would cause him to accuse me of harassment or stalking.  But I wanted to clarify whether or not he was actually receiving my emails, or whether some hacker interfered and prevented either his, or mine, from reaching the recipients.  So that is the question that I will be talking to him about next week whenever we talk to each other in person.  I only hope that he is able to speak to me for a few minutes and able to answer honestly.

But because of this, I am even more traumatized about trying to meet new people.  I know that if I tell them the truth, they will be freaked out, they won’t understand, they’ll avoid me, or whatever.  Or if we do connect and bond with each other, then we might not be able to communicate online because the hackers will screw up the emails, and maybe a really good relationship will be interfered with.

So on my profile I told all the scary information about how I experience electronic harassment and I hear voices, and I’m eccentric and unconventional in just about every way imaginable, and I have unusual countercultural beliefs and practices – and yet still, clueless people are emailing me and acting like this is a perfectly normal thing and there’s nothing to talk about, and like they didn’t even notice anything strange written on my profile.

So I have to reply to someone and feel like I am being tortured (emotionally) and need to cry and can’t bear to try meeting people again.  But I HAVE TO in order to accomplish the goal – I have set the goal for myself that by the end of this year, December 2009, I will have met somebody who I will accept as my future husband, someone willing and able to cooperate with me on raising children, someone who will stay with me for about two decades, which will be long enough to at least get the children through adolescence.

It hurts badly to try to disconnect from Martin and let him go.  And I didn’t even think that he was going to become my husband, or anything like that – I just felt very strongly attracted to him and wanted to be close to him, to be his friend, to touch him and hug him, but not necessarily to have a sexual relationship unless he wanted to – it wasn’t necessary.  I enjoyed our couple of telephone conversations, what little we had; I enjoyed our couple of emails before the emails were interrupted; I enjoyed being close to him for the couple of minutes of our few brief face-to-face conversations.  I loved the sound of his voice, I loved his style of thinking, I loved his expressions of feelings and emotions, and his observations about people – but again, I have so little to go on, so few real conversations, that it was only just a hunch or impression, and I didn’t get to learn enough about him or get to know him more realistically, to see what kind of person he really is, to be a friend at the very least even if we would not be ‘dating’ or having a sexual relationship.  I still feel strongly bonded to him and when I try to meet new people, I have to force myself to go against this feeling, this tearing apart of a connection.

A lot of it was probably fake – they put him into my mind every day.  I think that I would have been able to forget about him, if it had not been for the voices trying to make me write to him and talk to him every day all these months.  But now, it really is real – every time I see him, I feel pain because we have been separated and unable to talk and interact, when I so enjoyed being close to him during the brief times when we talked.  I just wanted to get used to him, see him as an ordinary person, a friend, instead of some exaggerated fantasy person or some idealized concept.

The boring new people who I try to meet just don’t catch my attention and they seem like they’re not worth getting to know.  I look at the profiles and their two or three lines of bland descriptions.  And even though I hardly got to write or talk with Martin at all, he still seemed interesting enough that I enjoyed his company.  I told him he seemed ‘interesting’ and that was all that I got the chance to tell him.  Maybe he would have seemed more normal or mundane if only we had spent more time talking to each other.  I would have been able to get a realistic feeling about him, instead of some exaggerated infatuation.  I didn’t even get the chance to do that, to take him for granted as a normal, mundane, real person instead of some fantasy person.

Well, I am looking forward to next week, when I will talk to him in person, at least briefly, and try to straighten out whether or not he actually received/sent any emails, or whether they got hacked and interfered with.  I need to know that, for future reference, and also I need to know it so that he and I can decide what to do with our friendship, our connection, whatever it is – although from HIS point of view, there might not be any friendship or connection at all.  I arranged with his friend to hand him a brief note that I have written, and she will, and I have the note, and just need to wait for him to come back from break.  I hope to get that settled enough that decisions can be made about what to do, and maybe we will ‘disconnect’ from each other enough that I can meet new people more easily, or else we will ‘reconnect’ and actually have a real friendship instead of this … this indescribable disaster that we have now.