it’s not just a zap

I’m probably grouchy because I’ve had a caffeine pill but no real breakfast. Anyway, it’s not just a zap. There is one attack that is a mere zap, but other attacks happen too, if I insist on trying really hard and really persistently to do some kind of slow thought process. As time goes on and I fight them, repeatedly starting over from the beginning, the attacks usually escalate, so for example, they will force me to fall asleep for several seconds or minutes, put some all-consuming hallucination into my head, some dream or vision or conversation with stupid people, about something completely irrelevant – the particular content does not matter at all, as long as it is about *anything but* whatever thought process I was using. It will be something random and distracting that seems meaningful and interesting at the time when I am forced to be involved in it. Wow! Look! I’m in some weird location seeing this weird object while having a weird conversation that has nothing to do with moving into an RV! What? Moving into an RV? That doesn’t exist! Then I’m forced awake, and have absolutely no memory of whatever I was trying to do. I cannot write it all on paper as I’m thinking it, because many processes are nonverbal. They have to be completed nonverbally, and I cannot distract myself translating them into words or images, which would cause them to lose their unique and esoteric information and change into pre-canned stupid conventional thoughts. The murderers seem to hate nonverbal processes the most, as I believe they cannot completely understand what I am doing, and heaven forbid I should ever think a single uncontrolled unpredictable thought that slipped past them. I might do something bad! I might escape! So they do things to automatically translate nonverbal thoughts, but the stupidity and wrongness and shallowness of their pathetic translations make it sound like it’s completely encompassed when it is not. The words also add noise that wastes energy, interfering with the process.

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