trying to wake up; Matthew on steroids

Matthew’s upper arms looked unusually muscular in his latest photo, although that could be because it’s a selfie and he’s holding the camera, so his arms are going towards the camera. A commenter joked that the steroid rumors are about to start. I keep hearing voices telling me that now I have to post something on facebook about how steroids are bad for you, because supposedly Matthew is looking at my facebook page and/or my twitter feed and posted his own picture because either I posted a selfie on twitter, or because I posted the Landon Pigg song that paralleled Matthew visiting me where I work at MM.

Fortunately I’m not on enough drugs to believe any of this – I haven’t taken the eleuthero every day, just very intermittently, and whatever happened the other day, if it was actually either basil oil or lemongrass oil, or something else, I don’t know, it’s not happening that badly now, so I am not having the problem of giving in to random impulses.

I always try to assume that Matthew (or any other guy) is *not*, quote, ‘playing games.’ It is dangerous to assume that someone is merely playing games. That means they don’t mean what they say, so, for instance, no means yes, and don’t means do. That’s a great way to get yourself thrown in jail. No, I didn’t do anything so horrible to Matthew that he fears for his life, and out of all the disasters I’ve been forced to go through all these years, the disaster of Matthew was relatively less severe than some of them were.

I have to work on moving out of the apartment today. I’m trying to use caffeine and wake up. But it doesn’t seem to matter how much caffeine I use – no matter how much, I still always wake up finally around 3:00 in the afternoon. That’s when I finally become physically able to do manual labor. Strangely, when I’ve completely quit caffeine, if I’m not living in a toxic apartment that gives me chronic fatigue (like this one, whether it’s chemicals or wifi or what), I am actually able to get up earlier, and do more work, when I’m completely caffeine free, the opposite of what you would expect.

Now I’m in the verbose-but-exhausted phase. I’ve had a cup of coffee, a spoonful of cacao nibs, and a caffeine pill, but I still can’t stand up and move around and do things. I have to put these boxes on the dolly and take the dolly to the rented pickup truck, and take the truck to the storage unit near Tyrone.

Then, tonight, I have to take only a small number of boxes or bags, since most of them will be in storage, over to the tent. It will be much easier this time. I hate taking dozens of bags down the long path to the woods. There will be very few, and then I have to take the cat. I have to be out of the way because the carpet cleaners are coming tomorrow.

I’m not ready for any of this. I’m just…. I dunno. I still don’t feel any pressure. I don’t feel any panic. Panic is the only thing that can move me. I know I’ll get it done. I won’t be moving boxes out as the carpet cleaners are coming in tomorrow. They’ll already be moved out.

I’m supposed to go to work tomorrow, too, like everything is normal. I’m going back to never taking baths or showers, and having to wash off in a bathroom somewhere before work every day. Laundry won’t be much different – I never did the laundry even though I was living in an apartment building with laundry rooms. I think I did the laundry, like, twice since I was here. Maybe even less than twice.

There is something happening, something changing, which I haven’t accepted yet. I haven’t adjusted to the amount of money that I’m getting from Dad, but it’s going to be enough to allow me to buy something that requires a small down payment, like an RV. The RV will need to be able to drive on the highway without breaking down. I saw some on Craigslist that were extremely cheap, which makes me wonder if they’re on the verge of a breakdown. I have to make long-term changes in my lifestyle to prevent the recurring problems that keep happening over and over.

Anyway, back to Matthew. I still look at his facebook page, more than ever now. He isn’t posting things frequently. I choose to assume that he means what he says. I don’t like something he posted not long ago, but I understand that it was ‘general news’ – there was some guy who killed a bunch of people in Bucks County, and this guy was ‘mentally ill.’ I don’t like portrayals of ‘mentally ill’ (can you define that?) people as violent murderers. That lumps me in with them. I have had physical and mental health problems for decades, and electronic weapon attacks and mind control for decades, and I am not a violent murderer, I’m a peaceful person who is just struggling to live my life, although it affects what I do in my relationships, and it affects what I say in writing. If Matthew and I had not been connected in text messaging or facebook, then I would not have been able to write the things that disturbed him.

I can’t buy an RV this very instant. I have to focus on only one task at a time, and today’s task is just to move out of here, and vacuum, and keep the couple boxes I will need while living in the tent. Right now, the task is simply to write something really long and entertain myself while I’m in caffeinated verbose mode. If enough time passes, then I will become physically able to stand up and move around.

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