When they say they like smart women, they don’t mean me. And when I say I like ENFPs, I don’t mean 99.9999% of them.

I’m reading the ENFP forum on facebook, and one of the questions someone asked was about being ‘sapiosexual,’ or being attracted to smart people. I once heard of another word that means you’re only sexually aroused by a physical person who is in the room with you, and can’t be aroused by long-distance relationships or imaginary people or something. I forget what it was. Penis pictures sent to me on a dating website do not arouse me.

I’m not going to jump into that discussion, because the things I have to say on that topic are extremely negative, and I’m under a lot of stress right now too, with having to move out of my apartment, and not getting time off work.

There’s a vicious cycle: it takes a long time of contemplation, preferably caffeine-free, to muster up the will to quit your job, and to have a vision of what other job you are going to do, or at least what your plan for the future is at all – but you can’t sit long enough and meditate calmly enough and muster up the energy when you’re so busy working and have no time to relax. So, you can’t quit your job, due to the fact that you’re working too many hours at your job. The only way to quit is to ‘snap,’ rather than to plan it out and do it properly.

People who are so busy working so many hours at their jobs that they can’t even take the time to sit and look through other job offers, or drive to other towns and put in applications, or go to school so they can get a degree in something – the vicious cycle.

Sapiosexual: I know from past experience that when they say, ‘Yes, I’m attracted to smart people,’ they don’t mean me. I think that forum is primarily female, but there are a few males in there. I didn’t see posts that explicitly focused on smart *women* because of that.

Somebody did emphasize that this has to override physical attraction, and they used the ‘Stephen Hawking’ example – if you’re genuinely attracted to smart people for being smart as such, then that means you’re going to get people who look like him, and you have to accept that.

The way I was seeing Peter was an example. Peter was extremely smart, but I don’t know what type he was, partly because he was on
antidepressants, which altered his personality. I can’t really know. Peter had just about every thing wrong going for him – he had diabetes, he had erectile dysfunction as a result of antidepressants and his other drugs and illnesses, he was going bald on top but still had long hair in the back (I love long hair so much that even a little bit of long hair on your hair is better than nothing). He was married, so I had to visit him secretly. He had chronic health problems that were getting worse over time.

Peter also understood and accepted my mental experiences, although he interpreted them differently. He interprets them as purely psychic phenomena, so, for instance, if you imagine inside your psychic mind that you are going out into the astral world and battling evil demons, then you really *are* out in the astral world battling evil demons and doing a good deed for the world, or for yourself, or whatever. He doesn’t interpret that as a false experience created by people using electronic weapons.

But I could tell him I’m hearing voices, or ‘they’ are bothering me, or ‘they’ are doing this or that, and he was able to understand and accept the fact that ‘they’ are somebody other than myself, a hostile entity which is not merely part of my own mind or my own imagination, a hostile evil force outside myself. That is the key for what I want to have understood – it is a hostile, evil, external, malicious force that does not merely come from inside me. My mom also started referring to them as my ‘demons,’ which meant she was able to use enough imagination to separate the evil entities from me and refer to them as separate entities, and I appreciated that.

So, somebody in that forum mentioned that if you really are
‘sapiosexual,’ then it means we’re not talking about the librarian wearing glasses who gets a makeover and puts on a miniskirt and then stars in a porno movie. The smart woman stereotype – she just has some glasses on, all she needs is makeup, a miniskirt, high heels, slutty behavior, and she’s got that bonus of being smart in addition to all that!

These are more like female Stephen Hawkings in wheelchairs, or something. I myself am not quite to that extreme. There are still lots of people who are attracted to me, just not the people who I *want* to be attracted to me.

But even in spite of that, I still know that they’re not talking about someone like *me* when they all say, ‘Yes! Of course I’m attracted to smart women! Who wouldn’t be!’

I woke up this morning hearing voices talking about ‘ableism,’ an -ism where all your assumptions are that somebody can just do whatever you can do, easily, do what everyone can do, just jump up and run a marathon, and if they don’t do those things, it’s because they just haven’t tried. There are ableist (ablist?) assumptions in this imaginary smart woman that you’re attracted to. She’s smart – and accomplished. She has hobbies, and free time in which to engage in those hobbies. She has interests, which she has thoroughly researched and learned a lot about, because she has free time – she’s not working 80 hours a week – at a mind-numbing job that precludes and prevents all learning and all skill acquisition – she has lots of skills, which she has plenty of time and energy to learn. She reads books, because she has time and energy for that. The only people who have free time are young people. People working 80 hours a week cannot develop any skills or hobbies and cannot read books. They cannot even go to school, or plan out how they are going to manage to go to school, while still working.

These ‘smart women’ are the ones who did it all right the first time – they went to school when they were young, and passed all their classes and got a degree and a job that pays well. They didn’t have to start their lives all over after they had already been ruined, in their mid-forties.

The ‘smart women’ that they are attracted to are not chronic fatigue sufferers. My chronic fatigue, and the electronic weapon attacks, severely mask my intelligence – you can’t tell I’m smart by having a conversation with me. I will spend 99% of that conversation quietly listening to you. I might nod my head and say ‘yeah’ once in a while. There’s nothing I’m doing that will signal to you that I’m intelligent – in fact, I seem even less intelligent than an energetic person, who might be less smart than I am, but is able to speak up, get excited about things, talk about her interests and hobbies, relate to the things you’re interested in, has watched the same TV shows and listened to the same music and knows what you’re talking about, even if she has a lower IQ than I do, or is much less verbose in writing (which pretty much describes everyone – I am at ‘maximum verbosity,’ as they say in the Zork game.).

The smart women they’re attracted to are also free to be themselves. You think we’re free in America? Then you haven’t experienced 24/7 electronic mind control. I am unable to speak. I don’t know how many decades it’s been since I said an actual word that came from inside my own soul, which is still sitting, waiting, and surviving, hoping that someday it will be set free from its prison and allowed to speak again. I can’t *say* the smart things that my brain is actually capable of thinking. I know from past experience that my brain actually really has these deep, nuanced insights, which are wonderful and amazing and new. I could say things nobody else on earth had ever said before in all of human history. But I cannot say them now. I say pre-canned artificial phrases fed to me by a computer that simulates language. I call it ‘artificial stupidity.’

So, I briefly scan these little discussions where everyone shouts ‘Yes! Of course!’ when asked if they like smart women. But they don’t know what they’re talking about. What kind of sacrifices would you make to have a smart woman? Would you be with someone who didn’t look like a glasses-wearing librarian who needs to put on a miniskirt and heels and star in a porno movie in order to become attractive? What if that woman *voluntarily refused* to make herself ‘look pretty’ in the conventional way, even though it was possible to do so?

Would you make the sacrifice of being able to just give suggestions and demand a response – ‘why don’t you just do XYZ? that would fix your problem right away!’ Would you be able to wait patiently as I struggled through battle after battle, day after day, of endless fatigue and frustration and failure, as I managed to get a total of two small tasks done in a day, but no more –

And as I can’t take your suggestions even though they are great ideas, or else, your suggestions are sadly, ignorant and uninformed, due to your lack of knowledge and experience, so, for example, I can’t cure my chronic fatigue syndrome merely by taking vitamins (gee! I never thought of that! I’ve had chronic fatigue for almost two decades but it never once occurred to me to go to the grocery store and get some vitamin pills!) or merely by ‘getting back in shape’ by exercising more? Gee, didn’t think of that one either! I haven’t done a single bit of research on my own in 20 years! I haven’t done a single test or experiment by myself, or made a single observation by myself, in all these 20 years! Can you accept my extremely bitter and negative attitude about this topic?

So that’s why I say, when they instantly agree ‘Yes! I love smart people!’ they don’t know what they’re talking about, in the slightest, and they don’t mean me. I scan these discussions quickly to see if anyone, anywhere, has even the slightest bit of insight, but there are extremely few who do – the only ones who have a glimmer of insight (who might not even be ENFPs for all I know) are the ones saying ‘Yes, but would you be attracted to Stephen Hawking?’

I know from experience exactly how it feels to flood someone with a thousand word message and get a one line reply in response, where someone doesn’t even bother to try to read it – at all. I know from experience – with Matthew – that even when I try to make my own rule that I won’t write a long letter, I’ll restrict a message to a couple of lines, and then I promise to do that thing, and I do in fact follow my own rule, successfully writing letters that are only two lines long, then waiting for a response instead of flooding, and listening instead of talking – nope, even when I did that, Matthew blocked me again.

He would not negotiate or communicate about the method by which we could have any kind of relationship at all. It was all or nothing. There was no method or form that would be acceptable to him. There was no negotiable condition under which it would be acceptable. There was no ‘Yes, you can talk with me as long as you stop doing that thing where you write a thousand page wall of text.’ This is actually a legitimate grievance and I agree with that. But he still blocked me even when I started the process of trying to communicate, trying to negotiate, trying to listen to what he wanted and needed, trying to understand what conditions would make it acceptable to him. Nope, he was just a retarded fucking closed-minded door-slammer just like every single ENFP that I have met in the last couple decades. They say no, they refuse to think, they slam the door, and they never open it again. That’s the ENFP I know.

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