I didn’t use eleuthero today – only intermittently

I have to go to work today. I’m not using eleuthero every day, because it affects my mood and behavior so strongly. I change into a completely different person, and it leads to trouble – new friends, new boyfriends, things I wouldn’t necessarily want to do, which I agree to do during a time when I’m suggestible.

Also, I am kind of wondering when we are going to see the next blog post from David Wilcock. It’s been a very long time (I have an RSS feed that checks that page). I also hope that my absolute flaming hatred of the Law of One isn’t bothering anybody who likes the Law of One. I haven’t read all of it, only bits and pieces. When I talk to people in the real world, in person, I don’t attack their beliefs directly the way I do if I write a blog. I can complain about how much I can’t stand Christianity, but if I am with a Christian, I actually make an effort to understand what they are saying and how they feel. It’s just that I can only tolerate it as long as that person is there, but if I have to go into the world of Christianity on my own, I immediately start to dislike it again. Probably the same for the LO1 (the people in a forum wrote it that way, surely to avoid making it into ‘the loo.’).

I’m still feeling the effects of eleuthero today. I could tell I felt different when I woke up – there are sensations that I recognize. It takes a day to get out of the system.

If I attack other people’s cherished belief systems, surely someone could also attack mine. I have my own ideologies. I believe in eating meat, and could be attacked for that, especially because I myself am very reluctant to kill or harm animals, although I really do intend to go hunting someday, I just can’t do it right now. I really don’t like killing farm animals that you’ve had a relationship with for a long time, but it feels more acceptable to kill an animal who is a stranger who doesn’t trust you, a wild free roaming animal. So, I can imagine hunting a wild deer. I don’t think I can kill a cow that I’ve had grazing on my farm for years.

I also am into socionics and use it all the time, and someone could criticize me for that – Rick D. became ‘the ex-socionist’ and is now arguing about why socionics is bad (he mostly doesn’t write articles anymore). I feel I absolutely have to rely on this tool to understand people and relationships and can’t imagine going without it, so I’m very vulnerable to being attacked for that.

People are able to attack me for things I don’t expect, where I don’t even know I’m vulnerable. That’s the definition of being vulnerable, when you don’t even know what to expect, because you don’t even know it’s a vulnerability. It never occurs to you that somebody could even attack you there.

So I am kind of concerned that my absolute hatred and total distrust of the Law of One could be upsetting anyone? I haven’t tried to read it in a while. But every time I do, my fur bristles immediately, and every word grates against me and triggers my ‘screaming evil’ red flag. I can’t help that feeling. It really might be because I read Ayn Rand so long ago, or maybe because I read the ‘When I Say No I Feel Guilty’ book.

But even the service-to-others Maya do not share every single thing they have together, the people from Kaarma restaurant. They earn money, and send it to their families, but don’t just pool all their money together. There are, what’s the word, logistics, to how it’s done. Service-to-others is very vague. They do, however, share that expensive green bicycle. They give the expensive green bike to one person for a day, and another person for another day, and they don’t all own their individual bicycle.

I was actually shocked to see someone else who wrote an article that mentioned ‘Maya’ without an ‘n’ at the end. Talking to them and attempting to learn fragments of Spanish while I was there, I heard them saying things like ‘Teca’ to refer to their people, like ‘Azteca,’ in some of the videos I watched, and talking to Carlos who explained it to me. I felt as though it didn’t have an N at the end, partly because it was Spanish but also their native language – I am not clear on whether it’s both languages or what. Neither one adds an N to make it an adjective.

It seems okay to have an adjective end with A, but for whatever reason, I don’t seem to care if people make all *other* nationalities into an adjective that ends with N (just this morning I quickly scanned a news article that said ‘Republican’ and I accidentally read the word as ‘Reptilian’). Or ‘Russian’ – that doesn’t bother me. I don’t attempt to research how the Russians themselves make their own adjective. I think it was only because I hung around them for a while and started to get the idea that they were ‘Teca’ or ‘Maya’ and did some searches on youtube with those words.

I get kind of scared if somebody actually takes me seriously, because that means I also have the power to hurt people by accident with all of my sickness and hatred (some negativity is reduced by using eleuthero, but it makes me *too positive*, super-friendly and attracting new random boyfriends who I shouldn’t say yes to). I was in an ENFP forum and I made a random offhand comment that I expected everyone to ignore, but some lady got ‘butthurt’ by it and I was surprised – it turns out I triggered her because the issue connected to something specific for her personally (the ‘Don’t joke about that, my grandmother died that way’ kind of thing – which some people on the internet also use as a joke in and of itself). I was angry at first because she and a couple other people started attacking me.

But I think I really, seriously was drunk from drinking sour milk for a couple days. I bought two containers of raw goat milk because I can’t get to Nature’s Pantry very often. It didn’t last as long as I thought, but there have been incidents where the fridge door was stuck open because my roommate used the crisper drawer and didn’t push the drawer shut all the way, so the door was open a crack and the temperature warmed up. I couldn’t drink all of the two containers fast enough. I thought it would last much longer, which is why I suspected that the open fridge door spoiled it faster. I drank it for at least three days as it was in the process of going more and more sour, until it became so disgusting I poured it down the drain. It wasn’t even ‘sour’ like acid, it was bitter like chemicals and poison.

But then we had this solar flare affecting people too, right at the moment when I was drunk on sour milk. So who knows. PMS at the same time, and now my period is a day late, no big deal, I’m not having sex with anyone, believe me if I were pregnant I’d be talking about it.

I can look at Matthew’s photo more calmly now. I’ve gotten used to it. It triggers a super-intense physiological response the first time I see it, and also when I’m on drugs – eleuthero would do it. Today I can look at it with more neutrality. It’s just Matthew standing there, that’s all.

2 Responses to “I didn’t use eleuthero today – only intermittently”

  1. Anonymous Says:

  2. Anonymous Says:



    Sandy Hook

    Laser, Nuke and Railgun,,,,

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