Hannah and the snakebite thing, and the screaming lady

I just looked at Hannah’s page again and I had forgotten that she’s got a video about snakes attacking someone – in a room where the snakes were being kept in cages. So the snake bite allegory (is allegory the word) is almost definitely associated with her. Also, I thought the other day she could be an ESFP, but no, she could just as well be an ISTP – I can’t tell. I just don’t feel quite sure about those people who I think are female ISTPs who are
super-super-positive, always cheerful, who say things like they love Jesus. Jesus-loving, super-happy, always-positive-cheerful ISTPs might not be an ISTP, but I don’t know for sure. There really are variations among members of the same type, so she could actually be the same type I am. She could be on antidepressants, which make you able to tolerate things you normally would hate or ignore. She could have much higher happy-hormone levels than I do.

I have to always assume that everything Matthew does is centered around Hannah, and will continue to be centered around Hannah, even though they ‘had a major falling out’ or whatever it was he said happened to them. There’s no such thing as merely ‘having a falling out’ and it’s over. He’s going to keep obsessing about her for YEARS until and unless he finds a replacement person to obsess over. If he were able to stop taking the Prozac, and then decontaminate his clothing and belongings from the Prozac – new clothing, new
belongings, living in a new house – then maybe he’d be able to disconnect from Hannah somewhat, by reducing the intensity of the emotions. The drugs distort and intensify the emotions.

However, ‘One Does Not Simply… quit taking Prozac.’ I took the lowest dose for only a week, and opened up the pills and dumped out the powder and took even less than the lowest dose, and when I quit it cold turkey because of the horrible side effects, even after only one week, I went through HORRIFYING WITHDRAWAL, IN ALL CAPS, FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH OR LONGER. Horrible symptoms lasted for over a month, horrible nightmares and hallucinations, electric zapping all over my body, the terror of darkness, so that every night at nightfall I was so terrified I could not sleep, but instead turned on every single light in my room, and it wasn’t enough, so I went to Giant grocery store and stood there chatting, in the bright lights, with my ex-boyfriend who was working at the bakery (once again, you were there for me Eric).

So, Hannah could also possibly be using drugs. I don’t know enough about her to explain why all of her posts are super-cheerful and super-positive and why she is almost never not smiling. I don’t know enough about her to be absolutely certain which personality type she is, and so I can’t use socionics to explain what happened in her relationship with Matthew and why, why in all the universe, was she unable to appreciate him the way I do. Why in the world, why in the universe, would somebody ever say ‘No’ to him? This is totally unthinkable to me, but it did happen, and I wanted to understand why. That was originally why I was looking at her page, in the beginning, when he talked about her. I wanted to somehow understand the incomprehensible.

She’s young, she’s pretty, she’s normal, she doesn’t have weird beliefs, weird preferences, weird experiences, that would make her unable to find somebody else. So she can still look into the future and optimistically believe that she has infinite time to find the perfect guy, the absolute perfect guy, to marry. She’s with someone else, she told me. I don’t know who and haven’t seen him.

There are things I only learned when I was older. There are also things you don’t do when you’re still living at home with your parents. I might have been more free with Terry if I hadn’t been living at home with my parents – Terry, the guy I was seeing as a teenager. We had this turbulent, abusive relationship, and he was on drugs, but if I had been living independently, I might have considered having sex with him. We didn’t really have sex, we just ‘made out,’ kissing and stuff. We were together for years without having sex. This is what I mean when I say that I had extremely strong boundaries when I was young, which have been eroded and are now weak – I’ve said ‘yes’ to too many people and situations nowadays. But surely the lack of sex frustrated Terry and contributed to the turbulence. If we had simply had sex, a lot of the fighting and abuse would not have happened or would not have mattered. Then again, it might have intensified, I don’t know.

Hannah and Matthew were friends together without having sex, although I do not have information about whether they had any physical interaction other than putting their arms around each other. I didn’t ask and didn’t have enough time to try again to ask anything else.

I only know that when you are young and beautiful, you have infinite time. But my own life was not free, even back then – I was already being attacked with electronic weapons. I didn’t know how badly my life was going to be ruined, or how impossible it would be to meet new guys, while working at a slave job and suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome. I don’t know Hannah’s future. What kind of job will she have? Will she complete school, and get a job in her field?

I have had to endure the ‘screaming lady’ ever since I looked at Matthew’s page again. The ‘screaming lady’ puts voices into my head to attack me with regard to anything at all associated with Matthew, and I think the screaming lady is responsible for forcing that guy Dave (a customer I met at work) to start texting me and wanting to violate me, and giving me horribly disgusting evil space bubble violations when I talked with him. He had forced urges, and was being forced to approach me as punishment for the times I tried to talk to Matthew – every time I tried to reach Matthew, I was punished by having Dave try to reach me, even though Dave is an incompatible socionic type and so the situation is not parallel or analogous, and Matthew and I got along much better than Dave and I. I’m not analogous to Dave, but nevertheless, the shrieking screaming voice lady thinks that I’m exactly equivalent to him and I need to be punished and rejected and pushed away because I am a horribly evil danger to Matthew and I am an inhuman monster who deserves to be treated in the worst ways imaginable. The screaming lady might not be a lady, as in, the actual button-pusher operating the mind control device that puts her voices into my head, but I can only say that the button-pushers are putting her persona amongst the voices. The screaming lady hates me, and I hate her equally in return.

16 Responses to “Hannah and the snakebite thing, and the screaming lady”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    I was not on drugs

  2. Nicole Says:

    Maybe alcohol and cigarettes, then.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Nope only had a cigarette once when I was a teenager, still, don’t smoke. Did drink a little but not until I was 18

  4. Nicole Says:

    There are a lot of things I could ask you. Like, where are you living nowadays, how have you been doing all this time?

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Then ask

  6. Nicole Says:

    Are you living in WV? and what kind of job are you doing?

  7. Anonymous Says:

    I currently live in the midwest. I have worked in financial services for the past seventeen years.

  8. Nicole Says:

    Did you ever get married or have kids? And if you’re in the midwest, how many tornadoes have you seen?

  9. Nicole Says:

    And, I’m glad you’re all right. I have intermittently wondered about you.

  10. Anonymous Says:

    Never married and no kids. I wanted to once but I prefer being single. Tornadoes are very rare. Generally, don’t occur in major cities. I live in the middle of the country and have never seen one. Some nice hail and thunderstorms but even those have lessened over the years.

  11. Nicole Says:

    Okay, this is a test question. What happened to the gray 1985 Chevy Cavalier? Do you remember that incident? This was probably embarrassing for you at the time though.

  12. Anonymous Says:

    HIt a pole, not the last time. Driving habits have gotten better but not much.

  13. Nicole Says:

    That’s worse than what I even remembered. I might have imagined my own explanation. I thought you crashed from going over that bridge that was like a ramp and it launched the car. I forget lots of stuff though. It must have hit the pole after going off the road. I thought you were lucky to be alive. I think I’m curious to remember why we fought all the time. I can’t even remember what we fought about.

  14. Anonymous Says:

    We fought a lot because I had a dysfunctional family that set poor examples and you may have been exhibiting early signs of what came to affect you later in life.

  15. Nicole Says:

    I remember a bit about your family. Something about a brother coming in with a gun and either shooting it indoors or threatening to, that kind of thing.

  16. Nicole Says:

    Also, I was much more arrogant, and much more hyperactive back then. I was mean to my best friend Rachael too.

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