The snake bite thing isn’t directed at me

I do still look at Matthew’s facebook page. He posted a… thing, which I can’t remember the name of. An anecdote, except it has religious purposes. A story for the purpose of making a point about religion, which he was reposting from somebody else.

If only Christians actually meant what they said, I could use this story as a suggestion that he means he’s welcoming me back into his life. However, they can pick and choose when they want to do Christian-like behaviors or not, and I have a feeling that Matthew isn’t going to be Christian-like with regards to me. Self-sacrifice has its limits, because it’s an inherently contradictory belief system. I’m getting more and more annoyed by all of the various philosophies of selflessness that I’m encountering – in religion and in the UFO community – ‘be more service-to-others’ is the one in the DW/CG community.

So in a way I’m swinging back around in the direction of Ayn Rand again.

Anyway, this little moral myth story thing said some stuff which I could potentially make fun of. I might as well make fun of it, because Matthew isn’t reading my blog, even though the voices try to convince me that he is, and Matthew doesn’t care that I exist at all.

For some reason lately, maybe because of having used bacopa a couple times in the last couple weeks, in very low doses, or maybe from using the Siberian root a couple times but then quitting it – something triggered me to once again feel painfully sad at past losses, and to grieve them again. I kept suddenly remembering that Mom died and feeling the grief all over again and the disbelief that it was actually real. No, Mom can’t die, that’s impossible. Mom fixes everything and Mom will live forever. Mom is a supernatural all-powerful being.

I also have had incidents of being triggered to remember Matthew and feel the pain again, and not just the pain but the belief that I can still somehow be with him or convince him. This is a dangerous belief. I’ve been hearing voices telling me that Matthew is never going to get married, and he missed his last chance when he rejected me, and Hannah will never marry him either, so he’s going to die alone. I have to argue with these voices when they say these things. Also, if I recall correctly, he still has to go to graduate school, so he will have more chances to meet someone.

So, I will tell the snake bite anecdote, and then, since Matthew isn’t reading this and therefore can’t be hurt, I will also make fun of it.

Some people were sitting by a fire, when all of a sudden a guy saw a snake trying to crawl out of the fire. [I’m assuming that maybe they chopped these logs in the woods, and maybe the snake lived inside a hollow log. I found the cutest little mice living underneath a rotten trunk of a bush that had fallen apart, when I accidentally picked it up off the ground, so maybe that’s the kind of thing snakes live in too.]

He tried to grab the snake to pull it out of the fire, but it bit him. He dropped it and it fell back into the fire. He picked it up again and got bitten, and dropped it. He was about to pick it up again and the other guy with him said, ‘It’s in the snake’s nature to bite you [or something like that] and it’s never going to stop biting you. Don’t pick it up again.’ The guy helping the snake said, ‘It’s in my nature to help. I’m not going to stop trying to help.’

The thing that I’m making fun of is that the snake was going to suffer ‘certain death.’ If it was in the process of crawling out on its own, then it probably would’ve been able to escape, except this guy kept picking it up and accidentally flinging it back into the fire. It actually would have gotten away by now if that guy hadn’t kept picking it up and throwing it back in, and was not going to suffer ‘certain death,’ unless this fire is at the bottom of a deep pit in the ground surrounded by walls that the snake cannot climb up, which would be an unusual fire and which is not what people are normally envisioning when they think of sitting around an ordinary campfire. This isn’t an iron smelting furnace or something.

But all that being said, if I have to endure somebody thinking that they need to save me because I cannot save myself, and if this *were* directed at me, then yes, as before, I would listen along with Matthew if he wanted to ponder over bible quotes in my presence sometimes, although most likely I cannot give him any insight into them that he doesn’t already have (except my realization that Jesus was an asshole, which I don’t think is the kind of insight that he really wants to hear).

Strangely, the ways that he saves me are not the ways he thinks he’s saving me. For instance, if he never actually helped me move my stuff out of the tent, it might not have really been that bad. I would have done it anyway. He saved me by giving me this wonderful feeling of trust, just knowing that I could talk to him and he was going to answer me. I remember talking to him all night that one night when I was working and he was at the front counter, and I didn’t really care if I got in trouble for not doing my job, because it was like the world could collapse and it didn’t matter because he was there and he would – somehow make it not matter. Not even by finding a solution, as such. I don’t know how. Somehow it just would not matter.


“A friend and I were at a campfire, suddenly we saw a snake come out of the flames wiggling in pain. My friend reached into the flames and pulled out the snake to save it and when he did it bit his hand. My friends reaction was to shake the snake loose and when he did it fell back into the fire. He immediately reached back into the fire to pluck it out again and it bit him again. He shook the snake free only to see it fall back into the fire. As he started to reach out once again to pull the snake from of the fire I called out to him, “ Hey don’t be a fool for a third time, if it bit you the 1st two times it will bite you again”.

His respond stopped me in my tracks. He said “ Just because the nature of the snake is to bite me, that doesn’t mean that I will alter my nature, which is to help”. With that he picked up a stick and reached in to finally pull out and free the snake from the fire and certain death.
The moral is simple: Don’t allow the negative nature of some or all of those around you to change the positive nature that God has given you to share with all. Nothing wrong with being smart ( i.e. Use a stick), but help, save, support, encourage, and strengthen those around you regardless of their actions or reactions. Focus more on who you are and who you represent than what others may say or think about you….”

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