The car rental day did not go as expected, but I went to an amusement park and saw a cute guy

Back before I was being severely mind controlled, I was able to say ‘no’ to people. In fact, I read a book called ‘When I Say No I Feel Guilty’ when I was a teenager. This book still exists and is for sale. Its techniques are rather primitive, but they work, such as the ‘Broken Record,’ where you repeat what you want, to prevent someone from sidetracking you and arguing that you should do something else instead. Mostly, I absorbed the attitude of the book, which was that people are trying to manipulate you and make you do things you don’t want to do, or trying to make you feel guilty.

However, I remember losing friends because of my behavior changes after reading that book. These were school friends, in middle school. I just remember someone looking at me with a really weird facial expression and looking hurt. Apparently there had been something I would normally have done, which I said ‘no’ to. I forget what. But I learned to disconnect myself from other people’s feelings and do what I thought was right for me instead.

This gradually changed back to a more moderate amount of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ over time, and I didn’t explicitly use the techniques as much. Then, eventually, I started just saying ‘yes’ to everything – but that was after the electronic mind control attacks became nonstop. I get zapped with something every couple seconds, no matter where I go. This zap is extremely subtle and I can only really feel it if I’m paying attention, if I’m meditating, or if I’m on any kind of drug that changes my perception. The zap might come from an attack which is directed specifically at me (some of the attacks definitely are), or it might come from the background noise of cell phone towers, which form a field that constantly surrounds us, and other sources of radio.

I don’t know. I only know that it prevents focus, and in order to muster up the will to say ‘no’ to someone, I have to do something which is like a nuclear explosion. It’s like the kid in the video ‘Titanium’ by Sia, where he is crouching down being attacked by police with guns, and he uses this explosion of energy to blow everyone away from him in self-defense. I have to do *that*. I have to force everyone’s energy out of my space. I have to distance myself from them. I can only do this if I focus strongly.

The mind control attacks prevent that. Their goal is to constantly hypnotize me and make me say ‘yes’ to everything unconditionally. Saying ‘yes’ to everything is the very essence of obedience and control.

So…. after all that explanation, here is what happened yesterday. I was going to rent a car and run some errands that are easier to run with a car, and I was maybe going to travel out of town to an unknown place just to get a change of scenery. I didn’t know where, maybe a park. I was also thinking about getting a storage unit and maybe starting to put my belongings into it.

But I went to Weis Market first to get some food. I haven’t made any food at home in weeks. I bought some salad yesterday that I know won’t get eaten. There’s just way too much of it. It’s enough to feed fifteen people for ten days. I really need live plants to pick the leaves off of, instead of eating a pre-harvested bunch of leaves which are always huge, such as either a whole cabbage, or an entire gigantic package of salad leaves.

I was on my way back… when my whole day got ruined by one single person. Chris. Not the Chris I donated some money to a while back, but the other one – the one who donated my money to himself without my consent, by stealing my credit card number, during a time when he was on psychiatric meds – he still is, but they change them every once in a while – and didn’t have any money. He was addicted to gambling because of Abilify, for instance. I know that the drugs make him have a greater tolerance for doing things like stealing and gambling. He told me he didn’t used to do those things before the drugs.

I do really like Chris, but I didn’t want anyone to interfere with what I was trying to do that day. I really, really need to get stuff done because I’m moving out of here in only a couple weeks now. There isn’t any time for me to fool around. Chris met me and I couldn’t say no to him. We sat and ate some food together, after he said he wanted to go back into Weis, which I had just come out of, and he got a salad from the salad bar. He loves to share his food with me, so I ate a little bit of it, but I wasn’t hungry because I discovered I was somewhat sick at my stomach after I tried to eat a little bit.

So, there are a couple things I can’t do. I can’t say no to Chris, and also, I can’t refrain from telling people everything I’m going to do that day. I can’t keep secrets. I’m able to keep secrets about things that will cause particular kinds of emotional responses or that will cause me to feel frustrated at somebody’s inability to understand and inability to provide the right feedback, but I can’t keep secrets about things that are harmless and socially acceptable. So I told him that I was renting a car and was going to run errands today.

So instantly he wanted to come along with me, and I ended up taking him along, and then, he suddenly remembered that he had to go to the food bank that day. I’ve been to the food bank before, and I remember how it works, and you can’t just go there whenever you want, you have to go during the limited hours when they are open. The reason he said he needed to go to the food bank was because we had started planning to go to an amusement park, which I had wanted to do for weeks after a coworker reminded me about it – DelGrosso’s. The driver from the car rental place, who came to pick us up and bring us over to them, was talking with us and had mentioned an amusement park, which had reminded me of the idea. So Chris said he couldn’t go until after he had gone to the food bank.

So I took him to the food bank and we waited like a couple hours. It was really slow. Maybe not two whole hours, but at least an hour, it seemed like. I don’t know, I didn’t look at the time. I didn’t have my phone in my pocket. And nobody puts a regular clock on the wall anywhere. He had been originally planning to go with his mom, before he ran into me, so he called his mom and told her that he was going to the food bank and that we were going to go to DelGrosso’s.

When we finished the food bank, and I dropped him off at his house, I went back to my room to get some stuff, and I had to comb my hair and braid it, which took a while. I hadn’t showered or brushed my teeth, because I hadn’t expected any of this to happen. I was just going to Weis to get some food and didn’t think it would matter if I didn’t shower first. Now I had absolutely no opportunity to shower, and I didn’t bother even trying to brush my teeth either. The least I could do was braid my hair to make it easier to deal with at the amusement park.

When I went back over to Chris’s house to pick him up again, he told me he needed to do some other stuff real quick and it was going to take twenty minutes and he had to go to a friend’s house. I said I didn’t want to wait any longer because it was already really late, and he said I could just go on, so we separated and I went to the park by myself. I had a feeling that maybe a ‘puppet incident’ had occurred and that some other people had been manipulated to get him away from me. But I wanted to be alone anyway.

Or rather, I don’t necessarily want to be alone, but I want the right kind of companionship.

I went to DelGrosso’s Park by myself. I was very timid about the rides, although most of them are small kiddie rides, not adult rides. They don’t have any huge coasters. They have one small coaster, the ‘Crazy Mouse’ coaster. I’m familiar with it from playing Roller Coaster Tycoon. It’s a wild mouse coaster that spins. The cars don’t spin all the time on this particular one, only after you get past a certain point, so that the forces spinning you aren’t too strong. It doesn’t spin in the beginning when it’s moving really fast.

They also have a thing that drops you from a height, and they have a thing with swings that raises up and spins all the swings around. Those are the three rides I rode. I rode the little kiddie train too but it was so boring it doesn’t count. It wouldn’t be boring if it went a long distance and went through the woods and went through the park, which is another thing I know from Roller Coaster Tycoon. It’s possible to make a really awesome kiddie train ride that people really love.

I had to get up the guts to go on the X-Scream thing that drops you from a height. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle it, as in, I might have a heart attack or stroke. I seriously wasn’t sure if my adrenaline was able to handle it. I’m 42 years old and not in the best of health.

I rode the spinning swings first and they actually made me very strongly dizzy, much more than I expected. It was actually really intense. I liked it, but at the same time it was overwhelming and I had to take a break afterwards. It was a *long* break. I had to sit down or walk for a long time between rides. This wouldn’t have gone well if Chris had been there. Not only were there very few rides for adults, so that we might have felt even more bored together, but also I had to take these twenty minute breaks in between each ride.

The next one I went on, after waiting a really long time to see if my spinning concussion feeling would go away, was the Mouse. There was an extremely cute young guy in his teens with slightly longish hair, at the entrance to the ride, who had to tell people to stop and wait, and when to go in. I’m deaf and I wasn’t able to hear him very well, so when he told me ‘Wait at the bottom of the steps,’ I didn’t hear that, it was just mumbling, and I went up the steps. My hearing is worse than usual because I’ve been using the headphone things, the earbuds, to listen to music. Any kind of headphone at all causes me to have temporary hearing loss, and my ears seem to adjust to it after a few days. This is even on the lowest volume level. So I went up the steps and awkwardly stood there, and another lady said, ‘Hold on, buddy, wait at the bottom of the steps.’ She called me ‘buddy’ as though she wasn’t sure whether I was a man or a woman. I was wearing a baggy shirt, but my mustache isn’t *that* thick. I’m slightly androgynous but not extremely.

I did notice that people were more friendly in that town, which I always notice when I go anywhere but State College. Strangers make eye contact and smile. I have to get used to that again. It was like that in West Virginia. In State College, everyone is a robot with blinders on, going their own little way in their own little universe.

I had seen the extremely cute guy, who was exactly at my eye level, which indicates how young he was – he hadn’t had a growth spurt yet and wasn’t six feet tall, but I suspect he will be. Another person in the line made a ‘1’ gesture with his fingers, and I copied that gesture to say I was a ‘1,’ sitting by myself, and the guy said, ‘Cool,’ and I instantly tried to start guessing what type he was. He seemed to be friendly and was connecting with me, not detached.

The next time I rode the ride I knew I had to approach this cute guy and was anxious. He said something that indicated that he recognized me, I forget what, and I smiled and looked at the ground in great embarrassment. I also should not smile openly because I have terrible teeth now. I made eye contact with him briefly when I was in the roller coaster car about to depart, and then I smiled at him as I was leaving.

The next time, we both mutually seemed to decide it was time to disconnect or distance ourselves, both knowing that we were strangers who were not going to meet again. We avoided each other’s eyes somewhat, and I felt a lot of anxiety. I have this anxiety because there is a strong desire to connect, much more strongly than we were able to in that situation, to connect very quickly and very deeply and very intensely. ‘You know the drill,’ he said, and he gave me his warm and friendly smile, as I went through the gate and stood at the bottom of the steps.

I didn’t look at him after I got off the ride, because the third time was the last time – I was exhausted and had to leave. I hadn’t done that all in a row, but rather, with extremely long delays in between each ride, while I walked around, sat on benches, watched the other rides going, recovered from the stress and dizziness and the feeling of being shaken around, and finally got the courage to go back. Each time I felt this intense awareness that he was there and that I would be seeing him on my way in, and that I was approaching from afar and that he himself was aware that I existed and might notice that I was approaching. It was like walking into the boundary of an energy bubble that surrounded him for a great distance.

So: of course, I tried to type this guy. I went through the arguments, is he a dual, is he an illusionary? I still don’t know. We did not have enough of an actual conversation to determine whether he was an illusionary. I had to guess that’s *probably* what he was, simply because ESFPs are so much more common and I run into them so much more often. I had to tell myself, a guy isn’t a dual merely because he’s extremely young and cute and has longish hair and is warm and friendly to me. Illusionaries are also often extremely good looking or extremely beautiful – I have found ESFPs who are sometimes as beautiful as angels, but simultaneously are not the right type for me to have a long term relationship with.

In fact, when I have seen real duals and verified that they were duals, all four of the verified male duals were *not* extremely beautiful. First there was Rick, who is good looking enough but not what I would describe as ‘beautiful’ or ‘angelic.’ There is Mark, who is very fat, and, under the fatness, he still does not have a very beautiful face, because I have seen people who are simultaneously fat but also have a beautiful face. There was Chris who I donated to a while back, and again, he’s not ugly, he’s okay looking, but not angelic or beautiful. The only reason why Matthew was beautiful to me at all was because of his long hair, which was brown, and wavy, with a few little smaller curls within it, irregular waves and curls, an unusual texture, and he would run his hands through his hair to brush it back out of his face while he was talking to me, but did he have a beautiful face – no, not an angelic beauty, not the ‘noble cheekbones’ type of face. All the real, verified, certain duals I have met do not have any extreme angelic beauty.

This kid had glasses, I think, so I could not really see his eyes and could not get a very good look at his face, especially because of the intensity of my fear and desire, which made me look at the ground when I was near him. My glances into his eyes were extremely brief. The fact that I found it difficult to be sure whether he was wearing glasses indicates just how strongly I avoided looking directly at him. He had shoulder bones that were clearly visible through his shirt, which is one of the most attractive things that I see on a guy – not ‘arm obesity,’ which is what I should call excessively muscular guys who are taking steroids and working out at a gym. Arm obesity is disgusting. He had skinny shoulders. I do not like *any* kind of clearly defined muscles, except a certain kind which I don’t have the words to describe, which are naturally occurring from real manual labor and not from lifting weights, and not from deliberately trying to get muscle – they are slender muscles. Those kind are very sexy, depending on the person and whether I like other things about them.

So… no, I wasn’t able to type him. I could not interact with him enough to know if he was an illusionary or a dual. It takes several weeks of having frequent conversations with someone to really be sure. That’s when you discover that you keep running out of things to talk about. If it’s an illusionary, you will keep feeling this thing happening over and over where you just don’t have any momentum to the conversation, and you will keep finding things that sort of irritate you about the person, ways where you can’t be yourself with them, and some kind of energy interaction that doesn’t feel like it should, but you won’t know it unless you’ve been with a dual before and you have experienced a perfect flow of energy, which I have – I was with Rachael for 11 years as a best friend. I just don’t have *male* duals. I don’t know what type Terry was. Terry and I did not have a good, healthy relationship at all. It was completely insane.

I’m going to post this and see if I can get anything done. I have to go to work today, and I have to return the car. I will have to try again to do all the things I wasn’t able to do yesterday.

But I had some weird experiences which were possibly triggered by getting transdermal drug residues on my skin from hugging Chris. In the middle of the night, I went into the bathroom, in the pitch black, as always. I don’t turn on the light because the fan automatically comes on. As I stepped into the bathroom, I felt a very frightening negative presence in there, and I saw, in the darkness, an extremely tiny image of a man’s face with a goatee type of beard. Large images don’t work very well, as not only can they cause you to panic, but also, they are more likely to be messed up and not show properly due to technical problems. This was mind control, I know, not a naturally occurring event.

I was actually so afraid, I was afraid to go into the bathroom, and afraid to expose my back to the shower area, which is where it seemed like the entity was crouching. I had to muster up the guts to go in there.

I also went on the X-Scream ride, which took a huge amount of courage, to do a free fall. I can’t remember if I did it only once, or twice. Maybe only once.

I was able to go into the bathroom, and I think I still had my earplugs in, too, so I wouldn’t have been able to hear the sound of a real person crouching in the shower, if somebody had broken into the house, maybe by climbing up into the balcony door. With a grappling hook. If someone really was in the house, I was exposing my back to that person when I went into the pitch black bathroom with my earplugs still in. But, I did that. I just used the toilet, aware that there was something fearful crouching in the shower the whole time, and then I went out, but I think I shut the door and latched it. I usually don’t latch it shut. My roommate likes closed doors, and she actually latches the door shut to the bathroom.

Then I went back to bed, and the voices said this might be the boy’s father, or someone associated with the boy, from the park. I’m not sure how they found me. They could only have tracked me by watching everyone at the park all the time, which is indeed what the mind controllers are doing, and I’m guessing that separate geographic regions have their own separate groups of people overseeing them. This is why the attacks vary greatly depending on where you go, if the people are nicer in general in some area.

A few minutes later, I was still very scared, and I heard loud clunking footsteps walking around, like someone was wearing boots, and I heard it through my earplugs. I took my earplugs out to listen. It sounded like it was maybe upstairs in the room above, not in our room, but to be sure, I went out of my bedroom and checked the rest of the apartment to see that nobody was in there.

Having fear in the middle of the night is strongly associated with antidepressants, and I don’t know what drugs Chris is on, I only know that I absorb other people’s drugs through my skin, which have been excreted out through their skin. Even if I only touch someone’s clothes, I get them on me. They are all over the clothes and they don’t wash out.

But I’m assuming, from what the voices were saying, that this was someone associated with the boy, who wanted to know if I was a sexual predator. The voices have spent the last few years ‘normalizing pedophilia’ with me, although being attracted to a sexually fertile teenager (who is capable of wanting to have sex, because teenagers have hormones, in the absence of drugs and substances that can make young children also ‘want’ to have sex) isn’t the same as pedophilia. There are other terms like ephebophilia (ephebephilia with an e? I’m not in the mood to google it and have to see the results) or hebephilia which refer to specific age groups.

I had actually considered moving down to Altoona as an alternative to State College. Even just a short distance move like that is almost impossible for me to do. However, if I were there, it would be easy to change my mind and come back here if I wanted to. I would not really be that far away. I just need a life change. I have been trapped in this prison for twenty years and I hate this town, and also, it’s extremely expensive to rent a room here, and there are absolutely no single rooms available anywhere, and no trailers. They used to have trailers, but have systematically been destroying each and every trailer park in this town.

I’ll post this now. I don’t know if I’ll ever see that particular kid again, and no, I don’t know what type he was. There just wasn’t enough interaction, and too much fear, and too strong of a desire, which had to be suppressed. I could not just relax and do and say the things I wanted to.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: