I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see, and it hurt me

I know that this was ‘suggested’ for me to do, but I did it. I looked up some info, followed up on some details, and saw some things about Matthew that he did not ever give me permission to see – for instance, I saw a brief moment where he was singing in a band. I am not done following up on this yet. I just had to take a time out for a minute because I didn’t really expect to succeed in finding anything, but suddenly I think I might have found a lot of stuff.

I can only learn about him in an abstract way, for future reference, to help me recognize more people like him more quickly when I meet them. However, I am gradually getting a sense of despair – I will not be able to attract young men. I have really bad hip joints, and I have this belly fat that won’t go away now, and I also refuse to conform to mainstream rules of grooming, while simultaneously, the type of people I’m attracted to are themselves attracted to
mainstream-looking women with conventional appearances.

I am getting the despair that fat people must take for granted, and ugly people. For most of my life I was attractive enough that I knew I *could* attract the men I wanted if I tried to, but now, I am getting to the point where it will be no longer possible even if I try, because I am falling apart and declining and I am beyond repair. I can still attract ‘compromise men’ and I can still attract plenty of non-duals. Attracting non-duals is very easy. Non-duals are much more tolerant to an unconventional appearance, for instance, I can get with ESFPs, but there is no depth to the love in the relationship because of socionics.

Also, I know my chronic fatigue syndrome is a major factor ruining my relationships, and there is no cure for it. I cannot be a happy, cheerful person running around having adventures, and instead, I am a boring, depressing person with nothing new to talk about, nothing new that I am learning because my brain can’t think. Not just that, but the electronic attacks and the electrosensitivity (to background noise which isn’t an attack). I assume I have both.

I just *can’t* behave like a normal person. I can’t be happy. I can’t be cheerful. I can’t be optimistic. I can’t be assertive. I can’t be ambitious. I can’t be playful. There are so many things I can’t do. All I can do is make the other person depressed, as they struggle to try to help me, and fail, because I just can’t take any of their suggestions, and they give up on waiting for me. That was what happened with Matthew – he did give me suggestions, but I haven’t done them. And now I am having a much stronger rebellion against religion, so I *really* can’t take his ‘go to church’ suggestions.

I am just wondering how many more Matthews the mind controllers have lined up waiting for me, and how disastrous all of them are going to go. It is worth the experience – I had a few seconds of happiness. I would do it again.

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