I’ve decided that the ‘positive thinking’ people are anti-disclosure – oh crap, I ended up forgetting to talk about this and I have to go

It’s just hard to explain exactly what I mean by this, which kind of positive thinking. Socionics has plus signs on some of the
information elements, and minus signs on others. But every type has one that’s positive and one that’s negative, or rather several. I’m not sure who decided to ban me from the one particular facebook forum, although there are dozens of other forums and I’m in a few of them.

There are particular kinds of negative thinking that I find very uncomfortable to watch, and I think it might possibly be the ESI-ISFJ type, with its -Fi. The 16 component model that I use has +Fe / -Fi as my fourth function, a weak and disvalued function, and I really don’t like to watch the ISFJ expressing a lot of suffering for a long time. It causes me to feel horrible and helpless.

There are a couple other types that tend to go into forums about targeted individuals, and I don’t know what type they are, but they are *extremely* negative, all the world is hopeless, everyone everywhere is out to get me, etc, etc, there is absolutely nothing positive in the entire world, etc, and I don’t know what they are, maybe SLE-ESTP. I’m totally just guessing here – I don’t know the type of the people who are the ‘extremely hopeless universe’ people.

So, to that extent, I don’t want to see ‘negative thinking’ either. It really is strongly affected by socionics which type of negative thinking you’re able to tolerate.

I myself do need a positive outlook, and in fact, I tend to have one – an unrealistically positive one actually. One of the forbidden thought processes that the mind controllers won’t let me use is the one where I envision the future, the inevitable future that will happen if I keep doing exactly what I am doing right now, if I am totally passive, if I fail to take action to change things.

For instance, I did that thought process just yesterday, but only in an extremely shallow way – they let me do it if it’s shallow, obvious, lacking insight, and such a distance away that it’s not clear what actions need to be taken to prevent it. I looked at the end of my life and realized I’m inevitably going to die in some kind of hospital or nursing home because I have no family and no spouse who are going to take care of me at the very end of my life (I have family, but can’t assume they’ll be there able to do that – my brother John for instance is two years older than I am and he’ll be having his own problems at that time).

So for me, it’s actually helpful and realistic to look into the ‘mirror of Galadriel’ and see ‘what will happen if you should fail.’

My problem right now is that I am absolutely numb and apathetic about the future – I can’t make myself care – I am having terrible chronic fatigue in this apartment, whether it’s from chemicals here or the wifi or what – this entire building has wifi – but it also has carpets, paint, etc. Lots of chemicals and lots of electromagnetic fields. I am so tired all I can do is sleep, or lie down resting, but there is an urgent emergency in the future – July 23, this lease ends. I don’t have an apartment.

I can’t make myself care at all, and I’m assuming some magical savior will catch me in the next couple weeks and make it all better. Of course, I’m going to end up going back to the tent and camping again. But when that happens, I inevitably will have failed to sort through all my belongings and get rid of stuff. I’m going to be bringing dozens of garbage bags back to the woods with me because I haven’t gotten rid of a single thing. I’m supposed to be sorting through everything and throwing away as much of it as I can. I’m not trying to throw away *everything*, but I do have tons of stuff to get rid of.

So this morning I texted my manager and asked about either time off or greatly reduced work days. I’ve been so tired at work I’m failing at my job and annoying her and other people by simply not doing any work that I’m supposed to do. It doesn’t help that I have broken hips either. I am waddling around slowly on two broken hips at the age of 42. I still need to go get an x-ray and see how much damage is done, and get a prediction of how long it will be till the day when they slip out of joint because there simply is no joint left to hold them in place.

I have to get ready for work and I should probably wash my face because I probably have a big black mark on my forehead from the shungite – I was meditating with some of it on my head. I do need more.

Oh, you know what, Hannah is really cool. Out of the two of them, Matthew and Hannah, well, Matthew has decided to be a total dick and he blocked me again after a couple days, but Hannah was nice enough to talk to a total stranger in a reasonable, non-hostile way. I do occasionally look at her page to see what’s going on and she sometimes has interesting stuff on there. I just remembered a post about ‘conductive paint’ that can be used for electricity (similar to shungite in that it could be used for shielding or reduction of EMF, I think).

I actually think I have more problems with my socionic duals than I do with other non-dual types. I’m pretty sure Hannah’s the same type I am, she’s just quite different from me, younger and healthier (although he said she got Lyme disease) and happier. I myself was actually pretty happy during the time when I was in college, and I still had friends back then – it was before Rachael cut me off.

I have been hearing about ‘Lyme disease’ from several different sources simultaneously, and I kind of want to fight back against that. Steve told me I should go get checked for it, and has repeatedly mentioned this to me; Matthew said Hannah got it; and a girl in a socionics forum also said she had it. The fact that I’m hearing about it from several different sources at once makes me feel as though I’m being pressured to do something.

However, I am very cautious because I read something on the internet that said that the Lyme disease vaccination may actually cause the disease symptoms, if you are formerly asymptomatic. As in, you actually GET Lyme disease by being vaccinated for Lyme disease; whereas other people are silently carrying the Lyme disease without having any symptoms, UNTIL AND UNLESS they get vaccinated, at which point they become symptomatic. I do believe I surely do have Lyme disease, and I’ve been bitten by many deer ticks who did leave huge red spots that took months to heal. Of all people, I surely am carrying it. But my chronic fatigue syndrome began long before that and started as a flu-like illness that lots of people had in town, which was not coming from ticks. There are other sources of chronic fatigue. I just don’t want to go get checked for Lyme disease, and then have some doctor pressure me into getting vaccinated, which could cause me to become symptomatic for *yet another* cause of chronic illness, when I already have chronic illness from some other non-Lyme source. I’m just emphasizing, there are many sources and causes of chronic fatigue syndrome.

I should start getting ready for work now.


One Response to “I’ve decided that the ‘positive thinking’ people are anti-disclosure – oh crap, I ended up forgetting to talk about this and I have to go”

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