I saw a guy and thought he was Matthew

I couldn’t help it. I was at work. There was a guy who came in who looked *exactly* like Matthew, but I didn’t get a good look at him, and it was Matthew with his new haircut. He went down through the aisles to get something at the cooler. I saw him while I was also walking back in that direction, and, as they say, my heart jumped into my mouth – I felt that sensation that something went up my throat. It was a panicky excitement, yet sort of misery and pain at the same time. Then I glanced at this guy’s eyes across one of the shelves – he was tall – and he looked me in the eyes with no facial expression and no sign of recognition, and he had brown eyes – I think Matthew’s eyes are blue. I didn’t really know what color Matthew’s eyes were except when I looked in some photos of him. I hadn’t ever really been close enough to see, and I was also sort of avoiding prolonged eye contact some of the time, to avoid bonding. This guy looked at me with no expression, but I felt that I had this crushed, disappointed, hurt look on my face. I stood there and waited for him to come to me. He was walking out of the aisles.

It was Matthew, and I had to wait and see why he was there and what he wanted. He was obviously coming there to see me for some reason. So I waited, and this guy came out and I said, ‘Oh my gosh. You looked exactly like somebody else. That was weird.’ ‘Were you expecting somebody?’ he said, in a polite, blank voice, and I said, ‘No.’ And then I went around to the cash register and rung up his purchases and he left. I had these strong, intense emotions of pain, and terror and sickness, but also a strange trust – there was Matthew in the store, and he must have some reason to be here, so I will just stand there and wait while he gets whatever he’s buying and comes back around to where I’m standing. Sure, it’s fine, he’s here for a reason. This feeling of trust – it was weird. Sure, it’s okay, Matthew is here, no problem.

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