I wrote that quickly from work; why would I try to change Matthew’s personality type; I *might* go to church today; the story of Mark The Fat Guy (ENFP)

…so I didn’t get to elaborate. I was trying to convince myself that Matthew wasn’t an ENFP, he was an ESFP. I have actually successfully convinced myself in the past that an ENFP was an ESFP instead. But before I explain that story, I have to explain the reason why I would want to do that with regard to Matthew.

I’m constantly hearing voices reminding me of Matthew. It is impossible to forget him when I wake up every single day hearing voices talking about him and having mind controllers burn things into my brain. He blocked me again on facebook after a brief couple days where I tried again to communicate with him, and, as always, he blames everything on me (which is why I am greatly comforted by reading online about the behavior of sociopaths, who always blame the other person and never themselves – I went an extremely long time always blaming myself for what the sociopathic people were doing to me) – I expressed or felt the ‘wrong emotion’ and therefore I must be treated like garbage.

I’ve been reading about how the sociopath’s rejecting behaviors start earlier in the relationship, before the actual rejection occurs, the moment when they betray you and then callously move on and act like they’ve completely forgotten you exist, while secretly in their mind they know you’re always an asset that they can potentially use again in the future. I do remember that he was already starting to reject me early on, which caused me to start changing my behavior and my assumptions. But I don’t feel like talking about it right now – that will make this post tooo long and I’m actually going to try to go to church, if all goes well.

I actually am resisting going to church because now it’s associated with Matthew and the Bullshit Spiel, which is when he refuses to communicate and just keeps telling me over and over again that I’m a nice person and that going to a church would be helpful for me. The worst part about this is, I actually *did* want to try going to churches, and I appreciated it that he was encouraging me, at first. But now, ‘go to a church’ has translated into ‘You’re not my problem – somebody else needs to deal with you, not me.’ And it means ‘I can’t be bothered to even give a flying fuck whether you live or die. You are inferior. Go away, you worthless piece of shit.’

That’s what Matthew’s Bullshit Spiel translates into, and now, all of that has connected to the idea of going to a church myself. I now feel like, if I do go to church, I’m agreeing with Matthew that I’m a worthless piece of shit, that the person I care about doesn’t care about me and wants to just throw me into someone else’s jurisdiction, someone else’s care, because they themselves don’t care. I’m a rejected piece of shit, which is the reason why I’m now going to a church. I didn’t feel anything like that until the incident with Matthew. Now I have a whole new feeling connected to it, which causes me to really NOT want to go to church anymore.

So anyway, it would be so much easier to just disconnect from him completely and let him wither and die. But I can’t, because there are people putting voices in my head.

So the next best thing I can do is convince myself that it’s categorically impossible for me to ever have any kind of relationship with him, because he’s the wrong socionic type. I do know from experience that if you are trying to communicate with the wrong type, then the conversation will never go any deeper no matter how hard you try.

However, it didn’t feel like that with Matthew. He actually *was* capable of hearing and responding to the things I said in a way that is different from the other people I’ve talked to who are ESFP mirage types. That was one reason why I figured he probably was a real dual ENFP, not a mirage. It’s hard to erase that memory, but I was going to try. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, it only matters if it gets results, in this particular situation, because I need to defend myself against attacks – I am being forced against my will to think about him every day, every moment of the day, by mind control attacks. I need to do whatever is necessary to make it seem like a relationship with him is absolutely hopeless forever, because there is always some tiny hope that maybe something can somehow be negotiated.

The voices keep telling me that I’m making him feel stupid. Well, yet another reason why we shouldn’t communicate in writing, and should visit each other in person instead, because I am only extremely verbose in writing. I don’t flood people with thousand page discussions when we’re talking face to face. In fact, I’m a quiet, patient listener who tries hard to understand the other person.

So anyway, that’s why I was trying to convince myself he was the wrong type – it’s to protect myself against the mind control attacks, who keep on trying to make me think that something can somehow be negotiated. If it’s categorically impossible and hopeless, then nothing can be negotiated.

So the other person who was most likely an ENFP for real, but I was able to convince myself he was an ESFP, was Mark, the fat guy, who I was briefly interacting with in the summer of 2016. I had known him for years at McDonald’s, although he didn’t work at my store, he only helped out on rare occasions. And I’m sorry to say this about him, and let me give a disclaimer: this is NOT a universal truth about all ENFPs. It varies greatly between them.

So, this guy was a *total fucking moron*. He was totally incompetent at his job, and was constantly burning the hamburgers because he was super-paranoid about food safety, so to him, making the burgers safe enough to eat meant cooking them until they were blackened tiny pieces of shoe leather, and he did this EVERY SINGLE TIME he cooked the burgers. And there was absolutely no convincing him that it was safe to eat the burgers when they were a teensy bit pink and bloody, which I myself did all the time for the ten-plus years I worked at McDonald’s. Nope! There was a 1/100,000,000 possibility that somebody somewhere might get sick, and by God, it wasn’t gonna be his fault if that happened.

But he was a sweet, funny guy who I really enjoyed talking to, while simultaneously being annoyed with him because of the way he did his job. And pretty much everyone there felt exactly the same way about him – nice guy, but horribly annoying in the way he does his job.

So for a long time, as I tried to figure out his type, I decided he must be an ESFP, because he was so fucking stupid. I couldn’t imagine that somebody could be an intuitive, and be totally retarded at the same time. I know there are ENFPs out there who are good cooks and who are willing to cook hamburgers at McD until they are the right texture and not tiny black pieces of leather. So I went years and years assuming he was an ESFP.

But we just got along SO WELL on the occasions when we accidentally ended up talking to each other or encountering each other somewhere. And after a few relationships with real ESFPs, and getting to know the feeling of talking to someone who isn’t able to process the
information and respond to it correctly, in socionic terms, I learned that he probably was a real dual, not a mirage, but just shockingly stupid. It was really hard to change my assumptions. After all, I had originally been raised in the world of the Myers-Briggs, where ‘intuition’ is the equivalent of ‘awesome genius,’ and ‘sensing’ is the equivalent of ‘worthless retard who we quickly shove aside because they are not even worth talking about.’

The reason why I wanted to explain some stuff before telling that story is because the voices keep telling me that I make Matthew feel stupid. I don’t want to make him feel stupid and I wouldn’t want to talk about another person and refer to them as a ‘moron’ and everything like that if Matthew was already feeling stupid (which, laughably, also assumes he gives enough of a fuck to google my blog and read it, which is very unlikely, because he is in his own universe of not giving a shit).

One reason I’m not with Mark The Fat Guy is because Mark The Fat Guy already has another steady girlfriend who lives with him! What? A huge gigantic fat guy has a girlfriend, while all of us skinny people are miserable and alone? Yep, that’s how it is around here. Mark was unwilling to communicate much with me online – I tried to get him to use email or to write longer messages where we actually discussed things (we were able to talk quite freely in person), but I have a feeling he was refusing partly because he didn’t want his girlfriend to find the messages.

I guess if I’m going to take a shower before attempting, possibly, to go to church, because I’m a useless worthless piece of shit and I’m somebody else’s problem, then I should hurry and post this and get on with it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: