Glanced at ‘Diary of an Oxygen Thief’; Ginseng might be giving me a bad mood; attempting to reframe Matthew as a villain rather than a victim, for the sake of my own sanity

I haven’t completely correlated things with this bad mood yet. I took the ginseng yesterday and now today I feel very depressed.

I have to go to work in a few minutes.

I have been writing down what I do every day on the calendar. These are just brief general notes, like ‘I went here.’ Yesterday I went to Barnes & Noble to pick up my music book that I ordered.

However, I also glanced at a random book for a few minutes. It was called ‘Diary of an Oxygen Thief.’ I know ‘oxygen thief’ means someone who doesn’t deserve to exist, someone so worthless that they shouldn’t even be allowed to breathe. I read only the beginning of the book, just standing there at B&N.

Matthew told me, in the beginning, that he himself had been suicidal for a time, had locked himself in his room for two years (how did he go to school?), and that he had been plagued by delusional beliefs about things he hadn’t really done in his past, thinking that he was guilty of doing terrible things that had never really happened. He felt, basically, like he was such a horrible person he didn’t deserve to exist. Then the Christian Church and Jesus helped him forgive himself. I know people have to do anything they can to survive when they are suicidal. I know also that he has been on Prozac since he was sixteen, and I mentioned to him in texts about how horrible things happen if you change your dosage or go into withdrawal, and he said he already knew and had experienced it already.

I don’t know all the details of all the things that he believed he had done in his past. He only told me that his perception of his own past was extremely distorted and delusional. He told me just a few things, specific things, that had happened.

This ‘oxygen thief’ book was about a sociopathic guy who was an alcoholic, and I’m going to assume that the alcohol was probably the biggest factor in causing him to do the things he did, but I didn’t read the whole book and haven’t really finished mentally processing what I saw. I have also been looking into ‘energy parasites.’

I don’t have enough time to explain this, since I’m about to go to work. First of all, I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of ‘psychic energy parasites’ that are some kind of living creature in the psychic realm. I usually choose to assume that all of the physical sensations I experience are caused by electronic weapon attacks.

However, there are some reasons why I have been interested in the idea of sociopaths and energy parasites who cruelly hurt other people and enjoy hurting them. I need to change how I see Matthew. Even if I have to distort my perception of him to make him seem like an evil villain when he isn’t, I have to do that in order to disconnect from him.

Right now, he knows that I exist out there somewhere as a potential ‘asset’ to him. When all else fails, he knows he can use Nicole for whatever he wants. I’m being rejected right now, but he can feel that I still exist out here as a potential asset who still has this idealized view of him as a good person, someone who still loves him and thinks that he’s a victim rather than a villain. He knew he had only a couple weeks left at Penn State and would not be around for a long term relationship, so he was able to escape with a positive image still intact, and wouldn’t let me learn enough about him to find out what a scumbag he was. He won’t allow me to know the real him at all, but I need to, in order to learn that he is undesirable and in order to disconnect from him and stop wanting him in any way at all.

The ‘oxygen thief’ diary probably would have been helpful for me to read. I didn’t buy it, I just read a few pages while standing there. I don’t know exactly which personality type the guy in the book was, but I’m going to take a guess and say ESFP, my socionic mirage. He’s an intelligent ESFP who gets bored, and becomes sociopathic when he’s drunk or even in between drinks during withdrawal.

If I can start to view Matthew as being similar to the person in that book, someone who loves to watch somebody being horribly hurt, and then loves to know that person is still out there somewhere, still attached, still an asset, then it will help me to stop wanting anything to do with him.

I do have to go get ready for work now.

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