Instead of reading Matthew’s bullshit spiel, I donated $100 to Chris

I sent a couple messages to Matthew asking about some things that I would really like to know, which pertain to the events that happened between us. Somebody sent me a message on facebook and I assume it might be him, but instead of going and reading it, I answered Chris’s GoFundMe request and gave him $100. Doing this gives me great satisfaction in a malicious way. Matthew wants to treat me like crap and pretend I’m a piece of shit that doesn’t exist and isn’t even human, and meanwhile, with the other hand in my wallet, still looking him in the eye waiting for his reply to my message, I pull out $100 bucks and donate it to his competitor, another ENFP who I am very compatible with and have known for several years.

The reason why I never went with Chris was because he was using benzodiazepines, and whenever I touched him, or any of his belongings, I transdermally absorbed the partially metabolized benzodiazepines excreted from his skin, which caused me to go into withdrawal a couple hours later, having suppressed convulsions and trying not to vomit. This would happen anytime I touched him, and when I touched a book that he gave me, which was about crystals. I would have been with him years ago if I hadn’t been reacting so badly to his benzodiazepines. They gave me a horrible feeling. I seem to tolerate other people’s antidepressants a little better, although I do still get contaminated by them and still have reactions to them. But benzo seems to be utterly intolerable and causes extreme reactions.

Wanna donate to the ‘Tell Matthew To Go Fuck Himself While We Spend Our Money On Decent Human Beings Who Aren’t Treating Us Like Shit’ Fund? Well, I shared a link to it on facebook.

8 Responses to “Instead of reading Matthew’s bullshit spiel, I donated $100 to Chris”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Giving money you barely have to some deadbeat in order to “hurt” a guy you are bothering on Facebook…that makes sense.

  2. Nicole Says:

    This is very amusing. Number one, it’s not possible for me to do anything at all that would ever ‘hurt’ Matthew, because he truly does not give a flying fuck whether I live or die. I’m well aware of this. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I CAN DO that would ‘hurt’ him. I can do something to cope with my own pain, and that’s all. Number two, Chris isn’t a ‘deadbeat.’ That’s laughable too. He’s having major health problems. I’ve had health problems too and I know how it feels when you have something weird like ‘chronic fatigue syndrome’ and the doctors don’t believe you have a real illness, and/or they can’t do anything to help you because they’re fucking clueless. Number three, I don’t believe in this thing about how men are supposed to be the ‘financial provider’ in society, because I don’t believe that human beings are obligated to be financial slaves or to pay rent to be allowed to live on a tiny square of land – but that opens a can of worms and leads to a complicated discussion. Number four, it’s only a matter of time before Matthew just plain blocks me – again – as usual. He’s perfectly capable of doing that whenever he wants to. He’ll just block me again, and that’ll be that, just like before. And I will go on with my miserable life again, just like before. Number five, money I don’t have? I don’t care. I’m not starving. My dad is helping me pay the rent. Chris is in a much worse situation than I am – he can go to jail if he doesn’t pay this child support. Maybe I’ll just continue to help him pay his child support for the next decade until it’s done. What if I suffer a tiny bit of stress for a day or two because oops, I stupidly used up all the money in my bank account? Remember, nothing I do, and nothing I don’t do, has the slightest effect on Matthew at all – I am totally irrelevant to him and I just don’t even exist in his universe. Who am I hurting? No one. I’m helping a guy who needs help right now. So your comment is just… laughable. Ridiculous in every way.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Well, I believe you’re very ill. There’s not a damn thing funny or laughable about that. I was especially concerned by your last few posts, precisely because you don’t sound ok – at all. Frankly, your actions don’t make sense and anyone would be concerned at the things you write here. Take responsibility for that, at least? I don’t know if I could be of help, but I wish I somehow could be.

  4. Nicole Says:

    So, exactly how long have you been reading my blog? If you haven’t been reading it for a long time and if you haven’t known me for years, then of course you’re going to say things like ‘Anyone would be concerned at the things you write here.’ I’ve been writing journals in different forms since I was a child, and I’m 42 years old, so, exactly what are you ‘concerned’ is going to happen? I’ve been suffering in many ways for a very long time, and I expect the suffering to continue for a very long time into the future.

    Chronic fatigue syndrome is the illness that I have, but I don’t think that’s what YOU mean when you call me ‘very ill.’ You’re probably assuming that anyone who even mentions the phrase ‘mind control’ is, by default, ‘very ill,’ because somebody somewhere in your society told you that’s what it meant. And which actions of mine in particular do you think don’t make sense? They make a lot of sense to me, which is why I’m able to spend long hours explaining in a blog why I do the things I do.

    There is actually very little in my life that I am capable of taking responsibility for, and that statement makes a lot of sense if you know me well enough to know that I experience constant, unwanted interference with my thought processes, which is unavoidable for me. I don’t believe in free will and ‘responsibility’ in a world where people are constantly attacked with electronic weapons that control people’s minds.

    With regard to Matthew, I don’t blame him for what he’s doing and saying, either – I don’t believe he’s responsible for it. He’s very definitely being controlled by external forces, and in fact, during our conversations in the brief week or two when we were talking in person, he described ‘God’ interacting with him in ways that are exactly identical to the ‘electronic mind control’ that I myself experience. We have different names for it, but it does the same thing to us – it gives us urges to go someplace, talk to some particular person, say some particular thing. So, I don’t even blame Matthew either. I just can’t separate him from whoever has got control of his mind.

    As for whether you can be of help, as long as you don’t blindly and repeatedly tell me that I’m a nice person and I should go to a church to get help, or go to some other authority figure to get help, or use psychiatric drugs to get help, then I’m able to have a meaningful conversation with you. Matthew was stuck in the loop of repeatedly saying, ‘You’re a good person. Go to a church. They can help you.’ That’s not a useful piece of advice for me.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    The concern is that you are doing things that are hurting yourself. Like giving that money for “malicious” reasons (your words). And other things.

    What “society” do you presume me to inhabit, anyway? Do you always perceive anyone that disagrees with something you do as part of some spectrum of stupidity?

    I would never ask anyone to go to church. That made me laugh a bit!

    Really as a random internet reader I just want you to improve your life in the ways you say you want to.

  6. Nicole Says:

    Well, if you say you are a random reader, that explains one thing. I suspected you might have been somebody who came from Matthew’s facebook page. After I talked to Hannah, he announced a warning on facebook that if some strange lady with dreadlocks messages any of them asking about him, he apologizes for that. Several people respnded to him and he called me a ‘stalker.’ One person compared me to Whoopi Goldberg just because he mentioned that I had dreadlocks (in the years-old photo that I still have up on facebook because I don’t bother to take new pictures and put them there and the decent camera I used to have got dropped in the creek and didn’t work anymore).

    So, I presumed you to inhabit the society of Matthew and his circle of friends, but you’re saying you’re a random person. I don’t know how many of his friends agree with him about churches and Christianity, but I know at least a few of them do. But I figured there might be people looking me up to find out about me after he announced his ‘stalker’ and I thought you could be one of them.

    I agree with you that the impulse to give away money, with a feeling of malicious revenge, is indeed associated with something harmful, not helpful. I have a phenomenon that I experience associated with the mind control – it often feels like somebody is manipulating my life, and manipulating the people around me, in such a way as to accomplish goals they want to accomplish, and oftentimes, the goal is to break me down and destroy my resistance to doing things.

    For example, I normally avoid dating men that I’m not physically attracted to, but every once in a while, some guy will start trying to contact me and get me to go out with him, if I use a dating website or if I meet a random person and if I give him my phone number. I used to defend myself strongly against unwanted relationships, but nowadays, I can’t. I’m letting a lot more people have access to me even though I don’t like them very much or don’t feel attracted to them.

    So, this happened just the other day. One of these guys, who I’m not at all attracted to, has been intermittently texting me or calling me, and all of a sudden, I broke down and started answering him and told him that maybe it would be possible for us to meet each other in a public place, like a restaurant, but without sex. Honestly, I don’t even really want to do that – I just don’t feel very interested in this person at all and really don’t even enjoy the idea of just sitting in a restaurant talking to him.

    But because of what’s going on with Matthew, and the pain and trauma of being rejected over and over, I suddenly broke down and started surrendering to this unwanted relationship. I did it with a feeling of unpleasant violation, a feeling of being destroyed and broken.

    The same sort of feeling was associated with the ‘malice’ of suddenly donating money to Chris. In normal circumstances, I might be able to distance myself somewhat and say ‘Not my problem.’ I could no longer distance myself because I am extremely traumatized right now.

    Yes, I’m doing things that I don’t want to do, that are harmful to me, because of being traumatized by another person’s actions. This seems to be exactly the goal of the trauma-based mind control that I have been experiencing for decades now – to break down my defenses and force me to do unnatural things that I normally would not want to do.

    So I actually wouldn’t want someone to agree with every single thing I do, especially things that I do suddenly while in the midst of terrible pain. On the other hand, sometimes I do benefit from following sudden impulses – for instance, I really believe that I could benefit from just leaving this town and going someplace else entirely, but just haven’t had a moment when I felt a strong enough impulse to do something so damaging. I have friends and acquaintances here, and a couple relatives nearby, but I really believe I would benefit by relocating. It would be a horribly painful and traumatic thing to do, which would seem as though it was causing a lot of harm, but which would probably benefit me in the long term, in the big picture.

    So I need people who can somehow balance out those kinds of decisions, people who can see when I’m really harming myself, or when I’m doing something that will be helpful in the long run, and it doesn’t mean agreeing with every single thing I do all the time or me thinking someone is stupid because they disagree.

  7. Anonymous Says:

    I’m not a friend of his, don’t know him. Not to sound corny, but you’ll get beyond this setback. To me you seem more resilient than most. I think the reason I keep reading here is that I foresee good outcomes for your life.

  8. Nicole Says:

    Thanks, strangely enough, I still believe that good things are going to happen to me eventually too. And if I keep believing that till I’m 105 years old, and if it still hasn’t gotten any better, then I’ll start hoping there’s an afterlife and I’ll want to be reincarnated so I can try again.

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