So, here’s what happened with Matthew in the past day or so

I forget exactly what time this was, but I got an impulse to send a message to Hannah. I had found her facebook page the week before, when I opened up the little blue globe browser on my phone and saw that her page was still sitting there, wide open, since the last time I had been with Matthew and he had shown her to me. I usually used the Chrome browser, which was why I went such a long time without noticing that her page was there. I had no access to any of his pages or his friends’ pages when he blocked me, which was why I was thinking I would like to learn how to hack a computer, but don’t have the time, energy, money, or motivation to do that right now. The only thing I could learn by hacking Matthew’s computer is what kind of pedophile porn he looks at, which wouldn’t help me much. I can’t lose this layer of fat that I have on me. It just won’t go away. I’m not going to be a skinny little girl that pleases the pedophiles anymore.

So it was sort of a miracle, in some twisted way, and yet, not really a good miracle, when I suddenly found Hannah’s page, which allowed me to learn more about Matthew and the situation without having to hack a computer.

I was given the urge to send her a message. It was one of the urges that comes very early in the morning when I wake up, which guarantees it’s mind control.

I had been basically preparing myself to say goodbye to Matthew by talking to Hannah. I had intended only to find out that he was still alive, doing well, and back in Bucks County, so that I wouldn’t have these confusing incidents of seeing people who looked like him from behind or from far away and thinking he might, possibly, by some miracle, have stayed here. That kept happening. Only now, I’ve been seeing people who look exactly like him, but very definitely are not him – one was an old homeless kind of guy, and one was a young guy who could’ve been his brother – I was looking directly into Matthew’s eyes and knowing that this was absolutely not Matthew, he looked that much alike. That happened just today!

I had meant to just ask Hannah, what happened, did the two of you ever get together, did you know he loved you, where is he now, is he okay. I had assumed that nothing at all would happen as a result of this, and that Hannah would not be able to do anything that would change Matthew’s behavior at all.

However, she spoke to him about this, and the result was that he unblocked me, which immediately sent me a confusing mixed message – am I allowed to talk to him now, or what? Am I being *rewarded* for doing something bad? I now have to cope with this mixed message somehow, right after being mentally prepared to simply find out that Matthew had gone home, he was okay, he was moving on, and I was going to let them both go, him and Hannah both, forever, just let them go, knowing he’s okay, and I’ve gotta just do something else.

Now, it suddenly changed, the door is open for communication, although for how long, I don’t know. They forced me, all day long, to have urges to tell lies to him, to say things that were not my own speech, all day long. I was at work, I was eating with Aunt Jeannie, all day long I kept getting fake urges to say something to him, something which was a lie, something which was fake and unnatural that I myself would not say.

The things that I do have to say are very different from what they force me to say. They put on a fake persona which completely covers the real me and what I would say.

I actually got a message from Matthew saying basically ‘OMG! YOU LUNATIC! NEVER NEVER TALK TO HANNAH! END OF WORLD!’ Except not in all caps and not quite that exaggerated. So, after I got that message, I had to go lie down in bed, and process everything he had said to me. He said several things that re-traumatized me again, and the trauma felt like this huge bruise inside my brain, spreading out and blanking everything out so that I couldn’t think, I couldn’t feel, and I couldn’t speak. The voices were talking to me, saying fake words, trying to force me to agree with the fake words, but I could not say anything because my brain felt like it had just been hit with a mallet. I just had to lie there being traumatized for a very long time. I did EFT tapping as best as I could.

So, this irony – I had been all mentally prepared to simply get a reply from Hannah, which would have no impact on Matthew at all – I assumed they would simply remain separate, and she wouldn’t speak to him or inform him about this message I sent her. I figured she would do nothing. She was nice enough to me and answered my questions, and then, finally, I thanked her, because I didn’t want to waste any more of her time, knowing she wasn’t responsible for Matthew and none of this was her fault. So I was going to just disconnect from her, after thanking her sincerely, and summing up what she had told me, and I was going to let it go forever, for real. I really, really was ready to do that. I was just going to be like, ‘Okay, I’ve made my peace with Matthew. I know he went home. I know he’s alive. I know he’s moving on with his life and it’s all over and done now. Goodbye forever Matthew.’

Then suddenly this results in a door being opened again. And that door is now still open. He hasn’t slammed it shut – YET. Emphasis on yet! I know it will be slammed shut again soon. Then that traumatic bruise will bleed through my brain again like before, and I will be utterly silenced. It’s truly a horrible trauma. It is no small thing. It is extremely severe.

So now, I have to actually choose what I am going to say to him, because he has been responding, although still only telling me things that amount to ‘Die, you worthless piece of shit, I don’t give a flying fuck what happens to you.’ I can get responses now, although useless ones. So now I have to resist the urges, all day long, to say something fake to him that the voices are forcing me to say. Yet I cannot explain this to him – I can’t say to him, ‘I’m getting an urge to say XYZ, but that’s fake, that’s not the real me,’ because he doesn’t understand or give a fuck about this.

I am trapped inside this body, and I have real things to say that come from the real me, but I am prevented from knowing what they are. All the things that I say come from the fake external personas that are being put through me by mind control. Matthew doesn’t even know the real me. He’s never heard what I have to say.

‘Tell the truth, always, all the time,’ I’ve been saying to the voices, when they try to force me to speak. They must tell the absolute truth, but instead, they keep lying, over and over. Every single thing they say is a lie! Every fucking thing! Tell the truth! Just tell the truth! Tell MY truth! My truth comes from within me! It is what I say when nobody is controlling my mind!

To top it all off I’m in a worse mood than usual for unknown reasons, as I said in the previous post. The pain of being mistreated by Matthew, being treated as a worthless piece of shit who deserves death, being made fun of and talked about with utter contempt, all of that pain is combining with this worse-than-usual feeling that I have for unknown reasons. And all the mind control is doing is telling me that I deserve to be treated like a worthless piece of shit.

Now you see why I’m so impatiently waiting for the shungite rocks to be delivered, and why I hope so strongly that they have some beneficial effect like all the people on the internet are saying. People really are making HUGE claims about the power of shungite. I had only thought that I would eventually build a shield out of shungite tiles, but now I’m hoping that maybe it’s true, maybe even merely holding and touching the rocks is enough to have some benefit. It probably is true that if you use it as a shielding material for an entire room or a box, it is able to block some kinds of energy, but it seems less likely to be true that you can benefit merely by having some rocks around.

So yeah, I’m in this weird moment now, where Matthew *is* allowing back-and-forth communication, temporarily, but only because Hannah spoke to him after I sent her a message. I had been all ready to make peace with Matthew forever and to have closure, to simply hear from Hannah that he was home, he was safe, he was alive, he was doing his own thing, and I was going to move on.

Now, instead of that, I actually have access to the real Matthew, who seems to utterly loathe me and distrust me and is all paranoid about me, who doesn’t care whether I live or die and wants nothing to do with me at all, but is barely tolerating a small amount of
communication for the time being. I don’t even know what to do with myself now.

And how long until he blocks me again? At random, for no reason? Is he gonna just block me spontaneously in the middle of nowhere when I haven’t even done anything annoying?

I don’t have any practical method of ‘moving on after Matthew.’ I had been planning to just simply keep doing what I was doing, just struggling and getting by, every day, without him, but this time I would be doing it with the certain knowledge that at least he was at home, he was safe, and he was in good hands, and I could forget about him for the rest of eternity knowing he was taken care of.

Now I am in this weird twilight zone of mixed messages. I truly have no idea what to even do with myself. This is extremely agonizing.

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