caffeine isn’t helping

I’m probably going to use up the last of the caffeine pills in this box and then not get any more. They’re not helping. I’d also prefer to use ginseng that didn’t have artificial vitamin B12 in it, which means I’d have to go someplace else to buy it, because that was the only kind they had at the particular store that I went to.

All I have now is the shakes, from the caffeine – my hands are trembling today – and it’s not helping me to get anything done around the house. I’d get just as much done if I were caffeine-free and just sleeping all day long. However, it’s making me write verbose messages in forums, some of which are going to make me unpopular. It’s also making me feel somewhat sick.

I need some alternative to this method of attempting to treat my chronic fatigue.

What I really need is a chemical-free house that doesn’t worsen my fatigue. The house has to be made out of simple, primitive materials that haven’t been treated with any chemicals, which means, I have to make the house myself, because anyone who makes an ‘official’ house that complies with all the zoning laws is going to make it out of toxic building materials. I don’t know exactly which material or which chemical is causing the problem the most.

Ugh, I feel utterly loathsome right now – I was googling urban exploration and ceiling tiles, which led to reading about secret rooms, and I ended up reading about, and watching, some videos of Michael Jackson’s secret rooms in Neverland. The comments on the youtube videos were 100% evil loyal trolls saying what a wonderful person he is, he just had a few problems, poor guy. I can honestly say I loathed Michael Jackson long before loathing him was popular. I loathed him from the first instant I heard the first song in 1983. I thought everyone who liked him was insane, which meant the vast majority of people in my school were insane.

So now I have his voice and his face stuck in my mind.

Bill Cosby is another one. I actually liked him, although not sexually. He was one of the few comedians who ever made me laugh when I was young. But I absolutely cannot view him as a sexual object – his physical body is utterly repulsive to me, his face, his manner, his appearance, his entire body – utterly disgusting. (I’m sick right now, so I tend to get stuck on thinking about things that are disgusting. I probably won’t get another box of vivarin when this one is used up – it’s really, really not helping at all.) Sadly, he might even be an ENFP, my socionic dual.

Anaya’s task is to research and thoroughly understand every member of the ‘8th house,’ that is, the section of the socion containing the ENFP and ISTP. I need to define good and evil for that house, based on what is possible for those two types, understanding the differences between members of the same type – what causes one ISTP to be different from another ISTP? Why is one member of that type more compatible with, or more desirable to, the dual than other members of that type? There are huge variations between members of the same type. When I meditate on Anaya, I think about this, and focus on the idea that no matter who they are, Anaya’s job is to totally understand and accept the realities of these two types, good or bad, pleasant or disgusting, so that I know all that is possible for them.

I’m not happy about the possibility that someone as loathsome as Bill Cosby could possibly be my dual, but if that is the truth, then I have to accept the truth. Next, it’s necessary to define what is possible for one person to achieve – if they are bad somehow, or failing somehow, if they are doing evil, is it possible for them to improve, and if so, how much? What is needed to stop someone from doing evil? What is needed to help someone do better? What kind of help is needed by a chronically ill person like me, who can’t accomplish anything at all, good or evil, other than sleeping all day long and then going to work at a job? What kind of help actually works, actually gets results? What techniques can these two types use on themselves to help themselves? That is Anaya’s job to find out. When I meditate on Anaya, this is what I think about.

Some alternative to caffeine… it’s just not helping at all…


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