Yay… I’m home…. I walked… and I walked down these same streets before, but it was only yesterday

I sort of would like to go swimming, but I’m very tired right now. Caffeine pills seem to give me enough energy to go swimming.

So I had something weird happen while I was walking home. I realized just how severely I had lost track of a huge amount of time. I walked down some roads in between my apartment and the other MM store where I temporarily worked today, the one which is just a short distance down the street from the other store.

I had walked down these roads just yesterday, it seemed. There was a time when I was walking on these roads, wandering, exploring, going into the park, swinging on the swings, eating from a container of extremely hot spicy soup that came from the 100 Degree Hot Pot restaurant, which was so spicy that I started involuntarily coughing right after I put it in my mouth. I sat at the park tables to eat that. I was also pulling weeds at that guy’s house.

For some reason, I just could not understand or imagine that this all happened in the year 2015, that it was that long ago. It felt like just yesterday, or only a couple months ago maybe. It could not in any conceivable way be more than a year ago, in fact a year and over six months ago.

But all of 2016 simply ceased to exist, and I have pasted together now, with the past, with 2015, as though nothing happened in between. During the year 2016, I lived with the Youngs. I was unemployed for the whole first half of the year, and I spent all of my tax return, which was rather large at the time. I sat around and did nothing because I was attacked with chronic fatigue and could barely get out of bed. I had lost the job at McD because of pesticide, early that year, and was deathly ill for months, and contaminated.

Then in the summer of 2016, ‘they’ arranged for me to start working at Kaarma. But all of that year, Mom was dying of cancer. And I didn’t go home. I couldn’t get there because of how shitty my life was all that year, and I had no money, and no energy, and then started a job and couldn’t get a single day off because of Freddy’s insane work schedule. So I couldn’t go home. And then, when I lost that job, instead of taking a break, I went immediately to Maki Yaki, because someone arranged for me to start working there. So I still didn’t go home. The entire year utterly vanished without a trip to West Virginia, and I didn’t know how badly Mom was dying.

But now I am lost and wandering, and I cannot remember and cannot believe that all of that time went by. Jesse left to go to the army, in the beginning of…. 2015. 2015. I was …. 2014???? I was living at Mary Jo’s house when he left. What year did Jesse join the army?

Late in 2015, Mary Jo threw me out, and I went to camp in Walnut Springs, and my cat Max died. I was there until December 2015, when the Youngs rescued me and brought me to their house. So, yes, it was early 2015 when Jesse went to the army, when I was in Mary Jo’s house. It was all through 2015 when I was alone, sad, wandering, abandoned, and hopeless, as Jesse was gone, I had no one to love, nothing to care about, no hope, and I walked the streets on this side of town. And when I walked those same streets today I pasted together that whole entire block of time as though it happened yesterday, but I was so confused.

I need to get a calendar and keep a daily note of what I do and where I am, where I live and where I work, and interesting things I do, just short notes, not like this blog. I used to do that. I would write it in the tiny box of each day on the calendar, even if nothing happened that was noteworthy. Time periods will be marked by life changes, such as where I’m living or which job I’m working at. I used to look back on those and I had a firm feeling of knowing what year it was and what had happened that year. Now, I only have my blog, but it’s such a huge mess I cannot casually glance through the blog to find out where I am in time.

I can’t even explain why this was so confusing and disorienting to me, to walk those streets today and to be so lost and so confused, unable to understand why it felt like only yesterday that I had gone down these streets over and over, lost and alone and sad, exploring and wandering, and now I was walking down them again. I just can’t explain that feeling. It was like having Alzheimer’s.

Then I tried really hard to figure out where I had gone on which holiday in which year. In some recent year, Steve took me to the Catholic Church, which I passed again on Westerly Parkway today. We sat there and listened to the singing. Was it an Easter or a Christmas? On an Easter, Steve took me to a church out towards Pine Grove Mills, where we sat with a bunch of people from the Beta Quadra and ate some really nice foods. I wore a dress with blue flowers, and took a photo of myself. I was living at the Youngs’ house, so that was in 2016, Easter.

Did I do nothing on Christmas of 2016? I was… doing nothing. That’s right – Maki Yaki was shut down. I was homeless and unemployed and camping, and my money was draining out, but I kept expecting I would soon go back to work in January, so I wasn’t worried about the money. Then they fired me all of a sudden, after I had spent weeks not working and using up all my money, so I had nothing, and couldn’t even buy food, and was eating some donated bread. I think I did nothing for Christmas in 2016. I think I just stayed home and was sad.

In 2017, in the month of Easter, in the month of April, it was Matthew – he was going to play his guitar at the church. He invited me to go, but then said he had to leave really early in the morning to practice first, and so I wasn’t going to go with him. I ended up not going on Easter. I immediately lost him only a few days after that. I swear, we were communicating only for a few days. I mean, I had been seeing him for months going into the store and buying things, but I didn’t know he was part of my world – he was in his own separate universe. Easter 2017 was during the only time in my entire 42 years of life that I was in love with a physically attractive socionic dual who was being friendly to me and reciprocally communicating, although not attracted to me physically. That was the only time it ever happened.

Hannah is his socionic dual, the Gabin ISTP, just like I am. I know it now after looking at her page. She is a happy, healthy, young, conventional, normal, mainstream ISTP with nothing unusual, nothing abnormal, no strange problems, who is able to accept Christianity. I couldn’t tolerate Christianity even when I was a very, very young child, long before I read any books or philosophies that might have influenced me to be an atheist. I just couldn’t force my brain, my body, or my soul to FEEL anything while praying in a church and pretending that someone was going to talk back to me. She is very different from me, even though we are the same type. She feels no pain because she doesn’t have chronic fatigue syndrome, although that’s not entirely true anymore, as Matthew told me she got sick for a while with Lyme disease.

Why would she say to him that she could only see him as a friend, not a boyfriend? I have no idea. The only thing that could possibly explain it would be if she loved long haired men as much as I do, because during the time period when she was hanging out with Matthew, he had short hair. He only grew it over the last few months, in late 2016 and early 2017, not when they were together. To me, he was amazing and gorgeous. I can’t see him through her eyes. It’s unthinkable to even IMAGINE telling him that he wasn’t attractive enough to be a boyfriend. He told me that she said it was something about his personality, not just ‘mean and shallow reasons.’

I know: even if he and Hannah never get together, he will not come running back to me. He will simply go elsewhere and vanish into nothing. I was just trying to solve the mystery, trying to somehow understand, to see him through her eyes – how, in any conceivable universe, could somebody NOT find him physically attractive? What kind of guys DOES she like, anyway?

She isn’t old. She doesn’t know that the time will hemorrhage right out from under her, after a certain point, draining her life away, if she wanders for too long without falling in love, without marrying, without having children. The time, it just floods away like a broken dam. It does not merely trickle. It is a huge, fast, high speed flood.

Maybe a young woman is too stupid to appreciate Matthew. Maybe some other old woman besides me will love him.

I am waiting for a changed work schedule. I am waiting to see a week where I will be working fewer hours. My bedroom is – a mess – not just a mess, a huge pile of garbage that keeps getting bigger and bigger. I am always losing things in the pile of garbage and getting angry and furious because I start digging and throwing things around trying to find them. And I’m always in a hurry to get out the door when I lose things. I lost my keys, and realized finally that they were in a container with my cell phones, in my backpack. I lost my flashlight, and found it under the edge of a trash bag where it wasn’t visible unless I moved the bag a couple inches over.

It is the poison house that is killing me. I knew it the first day I took a nap here, while I was still living in the tent and Jacob was still at the tent. I was moving some stuff into this bedroom, and later, with the help of dear Matthew, I moved a few more bags. I started to come over here to take showers, but then went back to the tent to sleep overnight. One day, I took a nap here on the bed, and when I woke up, I felt like a truck had run over me. It was the air in this room. I only took a nap here for a few hours, and I felt it when I woke up. I was not refreshed. I felt much, much better while sleeping in the tent than I did when I took the nap here. I knew right away that this was going to be an extremely toxic place, but I had to come here because this is a step in moving on to other things which I can only do most easily while living indoors. Every room is poison. All of them will be, until the day when I buy my own land and build my own infrastructure.

Will anyone be able to read this far down in this extremely long blog? Yesterday… or was it the day before yesterday?, I watched a movie called ‘Personal Shopper’ with Kristen Stewart. I was somewhat curious to get an opinion of her type. I had once thought she was ISTP, and even Rick the socionist thought she was, but some people in another forum said INTP, the lookalike. I decided, she probably is INTP, Gamma quadra.

That movie is exactly what I experience with ghosts and entities who pretend to be somebody else, who get attracted to you when you are calling out in pain to someone else, looking for your lost love, and these entities come to you, and they knock on the walls, and they answer you, and they say things that don’t make sense, contradict themselves, lie to you… at the end, she asks, ‘Are you at peace?’ and they gave one knock (which means yes). Then she said, after a pause, ‘Are you NOT at peace?’ and they gave one knock again (yes). Contradiction. What’s going on? She realizes, this isn’t her dead brother she’s talking to, it’s some other entity. Where is the sign? He promised he’d give her a sign. All she gets are signs from these demons, not from her loved one, not her brother. I have been through all of this myself before. I know all about how it feels. It is always the demons who reply, never the loved ones that you lost. The lost ones never, ever come back. The demons will take their place and pretend to be them and lie to you, torturing you and following you for decades. I know…

Oh, I was going to watch ‘The Lost Boys,’ a movie from the 1980s or early 1990s, because I heard a song on the overhead radio at work from that movie today. Vampires. I used to watch that movie over and over. I had it on video cassette tape. Rachael and I loved it. ‘Mike! Mike! Start the car! Start the car! MIKE! START THE CAR!’ I wonder if I will notice things I wasn’t aware of when I watched it decades ago.

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2 Responses to “Yay… I’m home…. I walked… and I walked down these same streets before, but it was only yesterday”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    When you’re so libertarian you make up your own facts…

  2. Nicole Says:

    Wait, what? What facts did who make up? Was there supposed to be a link to a page or something?

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