GoFundMe: If the picture is funny looking, no one will donate. That’s all you need to know.

I took a caffeine pill this morning, and I will be working at a different MM store down the street from my usual one today. I requested a reduction of my work hours, and she’s working on it but it’s still in process. It’s not easy to get a schedule change there: they do NOT have ‘flexible scheduling’ like at McDonald’s, which is partly due to the fact that only two employees are usually there at any time, and it’s a life-or-death balance between being able to do the job, or being able to do absolutely nothing – if one single person fails to show up, you’re hopelessly screwed, whereas at McDonald’s, there are so many people working on the same day that if one person doesn’t show up, others can fill in for them, although McD was also cutting people back so much that we were also at the life-or-death minimum, especially when they would give us only three people working during a football game, which is one reason why I’m not really eager to go back to McD, especially when my broken hip joints no longer allow me to literally run from place to place like I used to.

Back to GoFundMe. I was urged to look at it this morning. I did. I’m getting an impression of which campaigns succeed and which ones don’t. I never donate anything to charity because I don’t know how the money is being spent. You might just be donating to a huge bureaucracy that sits around getting paid to shuffle papers in an office, without actually helping anybody. These GoFundMe campaigns, for all you know, are nothing but a pretty picture, and a bunch of lies from a sociopath telling a sad story. Are you throwing money at lying sociopaths with pretty pictures and heartbreaking sob stories? Does anybody bother to find out?

So, as I scan this, I wonder. Which campaigns succeed? The ones with the best photographs succeed, and the ones with the worst photos fail. There is one example of a perfectly practical, actionable plan: to make a house livable for a handicapped person who was brain injured when he was hit by a car after returning from fighting in Iraq, or something like that. The picture shows him putting on a hat with his huge mouth wide open in a way that looks retarded – the facial expressions made by people who can’t control their muscle movements. People don’t want to donate to retarded people making ugly weird facial expressions, and so, this campaign has been sitting there for 32 months with a tiny, tiny crumb of donations given to it. Yet, he needs practical help to make the house livable – I assume, wheelchair ramps or that kind of thing, and nobody gives a fucking shit.

But, awwww! Donate to make a memorial for a cute little baby! Sure! $100,000 bucks right there! The baby probably died because it was vaccinated, but don’t you dare say a single word about that. The baby stopped breathing, and the description doesn’t say a single word about WHY or HOW the baby stopped breathing. Shit happens! The baby stopped breathing! Who cares why! $100,000 bucks to your cause right there! To make a memorial or something! To get its organs donated! Not, like, to educate the public about what causes the deaths of babies. – And, oh, some random commenter starts putting up comments about news articles where the father was arrested for abusing the baby? Wait, what? Is this a real thing, or is this ‘shaken baby syndrome?’ The father supposedly dropped the baby and that’s what resulted in the baby not breathing. WHO CARES, BABIES ARE CUTE, $100,000 TO YOU RIGHT NOW. Cute picture of a cute baby looking happy! We don’t need to know or think about any of the details behind whatever it was that caused this baby’s death, or whether this baby even exists at all, or whether it’s even really dead at all. WHO CARES, CUTE PICTURES OF BABIES ARE CUTE, LET’S DONATE MONEY.

But the funny looking guy with his mouth wide open like a retarded person barely gets a couple pennies after 32 months, even though they have a practical plan for real, practical needs that this person has, to set up the house so it’s livable for someone with traumatic brain injuries caused by getting hit by a car the moment he returns from Iraq.

Was this one of those mafia getting-hit-by-a-random-hit-and-run-car incidents? Did somebody WANT him to get hit by a car and then not get any help for it afterwards?

Are all the campaigns actually visible, or are some of them secretly hidden on the web page so that you can’t find them? Are there any campaigns that don’t have a photo on their profile? Is this like a dating website, where the search function doesn’t show all the results, it only shows ‘sponsored results’ or something? What determines how high up you are in the results on GoFundMe? Is there a way to scroll all the way to the VERY END of the results, to see the very lowest ones on the bottom?

The only way to casually browse through the campaigns is to click a little button that says ‘more’ at the end of a page which is in seemingly random order. What determines the order? How can you quickly skip to the end of this list so that you can quickly glance at every single campaign, no matter how esoteric it is? How does this web page work?

What kind of cute and pretty appealing photograph would make people feel sorry for me and donate lots of money to me so that I could achieve my goals? Is telling the truth the best way to get lots of people sympathetic to you? Or should you hide the truth as much as possible, and just act as cute, appealing, helpless, and stupid as you possibly can? Aww, poor Nicole. I could attach a photo of myself when I was seven years old, even though I’m 42 years old now and not cute anymore. Cute kids! This girl needs our help! I could smile and show myself hugging my fat cat Jacob in my arms while sitting in a flower garden in the sunlight. Even though that’s totally irrelevant to anything at all.

This needs more investigation. I love it and hate it at the same time. I have a feeling that what I hate most is how the web page works and how you can’t just scroll through the list as fast as possible without simply clicking a ‘more’ button that hides all the unpopular and esoteric campaigns.

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