Workplace apathy. Is college a possibility?

I had a caffeine pill before work, and a non-coffee energy drink. The rationale is that coffee as such is the most strongly addictive for me, but it’s easier to quit other sources of caffeine, especially fake manmade caffeine, which is different from coffee.

I spent a very long time stocking cigarettes, something I don’t do while decaffeinated. I cannot make myself care about the to-do list we have here. I don’t enjoy being apathetic and indifferent, and I’m not proud of it. In theory I would want to care about doing my job. But wiping a molecule of dust off an already clean surface, so that I can’t tell anything was done, is not the kind of work I like to do. I want to make a huge impact on an emergency or something. I want to see huge results from whatever I did.

I might wipe the windows if they were so black with filth that no sunlight ever came through. But exposing myself to toxic window cleaner for the sake of wiping a single thumbprint is not worth it to me. I cannot care about a layer of dust, or fingerprints on the window. My reaction is to wish we had some kind of surface designed to never look dusty, or self-wiping windows, or unsmudgeable glass, or the type of customers who overlook such things because we give them something else that they value more than spotless windows and particle-free shelves and surfaces.

I feel so lazy and worthless, and I’m sure I’m gonna get yelled at sometime about not doing anything.

I need a job made just for me. I don’t like frequent changes or the loss of friends and acquaintances, so I wouldn’t have to quit this job. I just need something better.

Could some miracle have occurred in the years between now and 1993-1997, so that I somehow have the ability to do college homework when I couldn’t before? Someone is trying to sway me towards normal college, not just votech. If I chose my major carefully, and somehow avoided pointless classes like history – the forbidden disclosures of history are FAR more fascinating! Ancient builder races making structures on every planet and moon, advanced technologies, everything as told by Wilcock and Goode, much better than the brainless dead history class. Can I choose to avoid stupid pointless useless classes? If so, I could do college. Required classes are always stupid. And I’m old enough I’d want to question the axioms of math and physics and all the forbidden topics. I’d wear my earplugs as the professor told us about bullshit laws that aren’t laws, and bullshit science, and so on.

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