Preoccupation with physical appearance – something I can only do under the influence of drugs

The two energy drinks I had today are making me susceptible to doing something – obsessing over images of people, and this time, I also watched a video listing the different alien races from A-Z, although I didn’t watch all the videos so I didn’t see all of them. In this condition, I am willing to accept suggestions to go watch videos of people with long hair or long beards, or videos about women’s facial hair, and now, even though I’m exhausted and want to go to sleep, I’m following the suggestion to look at pictures of very skinny guys.

It’s not impossible for me to find people who are physically attractive enough that I can tolerate them, it’s just hard to find the combination of physical attractiveness and a compatible personality, in a physical location where they are going to interact with me frequently in a conversation so that we can get to know each other. They exist, but they are isolated in their own little universes, where they walk down their little sidewalks to their little houses and to their little workplaces, and their circles do not cross the circles where I live and walk.

You can’t really bond with someone if you meet them just once. You have to meet them repeatedly in order to realize that you are falling in love with them. It took me weeks of casually and intermittently talking to Matthew for me to realize that I loved him. I was in denial about his socionic personality type until the very end, but then, other events happened to trigger the deeply burned-in
decades-long extreme trauma programming to cause me to do things that made him reject me and block me.

I am not completely cured of trich. There are some small, minor symptoms that something is still there, although it’s nowhere near as bad as it was. How long this curse will last, I don’t know. If I met someone now, I’d need someone who was so tolerant, so accepting, so patient, and so in love with me that he could actually tolerate the fact that I have this infection that hasn’t been completely cured, and work with me as I make efforts to fix it. Very few attractive people would ever feel so desperate that they would need to do that – alternatives are always easily available for them, so they would instantly drop me as soon as they found out anything negative about me. They always know they can easily find hundreds of new people who are as good as, or better than, I am. I will never be unique and irreplaceable to them. I’m never unique enough to patiently wait for, as I work on my struggles, slowly, and fail repeatedly to make any progress.

I should go to bed. I have an early shift tomorrow.

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