Garlic or maybe Jesse’s drug residues triggering more caffeine cravings

I had two energy drinks today, two different kinds, one of which I’ve never tried before. The first thing I noticed was inappropriate friendly-flirting-joking behavior with people I don’t know very well, the bike shop people who came in to get some snacks or something. I told them they needed to nag me to go get my bike fixed there soon. That is the result of ginseng. Then I saw some person walking a dog, and I remembered being pulled on roller skates by a dog on a leash when we were kids – my brother and I used to throw a ball in the basement and let the dogs pull us. I want to go to the Arctic and use a dogsled anyway, so I decided I wanted a wheeled dogsled down here in State College.

I have been having this feeling of despair today, which was
unexplainable, except that it might be the result of withdrawal from whatever drugs Jesse is using, since I hugged him and therefore touched his clothing. I also felt very weird the day after I hugged him the first time, when he first came home. I do not know what this drug is, whether they put him on some prescription psychiatric drug (quite possible), or if it’s the residues from his illicit drug use. Whatever it is, the withdrawal is extremely nasty. I have reason to suspect cocaine because I know someone else whose brother committed suicide immediately the day after trying cocaine for the first time, therefore cocaine withdrawal causes suicide, and so it would explain why I have this lingering feeling of misery and hopelessness after hugging Jesse, for a day or two.

My emotions are never really emotions, and they do not have a ’cause’ in the conventional sense of the term, as in, you cannot find some ‘reason’ why I have an emotion. My emotions are always caused by some kind of physical sickness, hormones, or drugs, and can be fixed or prevented by stopping or avoiding those substances. One ‘reason’ that I thought of for why I could be feeling hopeless is because I talked to my dad the other day when he came up here and visited Aunt Jeannie, and from talking to him, it sounds like it might be a long time before I get any inheritance money, or the process might be difficult or complicated somehow, so it’s not going to help me anytime soon. Yes, that seems like a good ‘reason’ to be in a bad mood and to feel hopeless, but this feeling of hopelessness is just so unusual and so weird, and I know from experience that, like I said, I never actually feel real emotions from an actual cause. Years of experience have told me that it’s almost always, 99% of the time, caused by a substance.

The only time I feel a real emotion is when I am falling in love with someone, or being rejected by someone. I feel intense heartbreak and will cry for hours like I did when I found out that Matthew was in love with Hannah, but I was also taking caffeine pills at the time, and they tended to make me have stronger moods, so even though the heartbreak was real, it was intensified or distorted by the pill. I felt love for Matthew and felt happy feelings when, for instance, he would answer a text message I sent to him, and those feelings were real, when I’d look on the phone and see the little number over the text message icon.

I do have underlying long term emotions and attitudes, but they are so subtle and so permanent that they do not change noticeably from day to day, so I wouldn’t notice an upsurge in feelings of hopelessness all of a sudden unless chemicals were the cause. My underlying constant feelings are learned helplessness, the belief that it’s impossible to escape from the things that are harming me, and my social emotions, which are frustration and helplessness in society from being socially inferior and getting no respect and having no social power at all. I cannot just go out into the world and tell people what I want them to do, and expect that they will just jump at my command and do it. Everything I would want to do is a huge battle. But those are constant background feelings that would have no reason to change from day to day.

So, that’s part of why I let myself drink caffeine and energy drinks today.

Also, I have this mustard in the fridge which contains garlic. Garlic is an EXTREMELY POWERFUL TRIGGER for caffeine cravings if you’re trying to quit coffee. It is so powerful it is almost totally irresistible. I have had times when I was camping and I ate some salsa with garlic in it and I wanted coffee so badly that I almost wanted to get out of bed at 2am to walk down to a gas station to get coffee; however, that was difficult enough that it was an obstacle that stopped me, and I was able to resist. This mustard in the fridge is so delicious and so addictive that I actually squeeze a drop onto my finger and eat it plain whenever I happen to open the fridge. So, if I am going to quit caffeine, I can’t have condiments or anything that contains garlic. Tomatoes and nightshade vegetables are also not recommended – they trigger tobacco cravings and coffee cravings, and if you’re an alcoholic, probably alcohol cravings too. All the drugs and all the cravings trigger each other, and the nightshade family is the family of plants that tobacco comes from, and tomatoes contain tomatine, the tomato form of nicotine. They are literally addictive.

So I’ll finish the bottle of garlic, I guess, but no more after that, unless I am stable and off the wagon, confidently and surely.

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