I’m ‘getting transferred’

Something that one of the voices said this morning, in an unhappy tone, was that I was going to be ‘transferred’ because of the Matthew incident. ‘Transfers’ happen all the time, though, regardless. It’s when I get ‘clueless newbies’ in the voices, and all the previous voices who might have been used to me are gone. I seem to have some characters who stay around for years and years, though. I don’t know how much of this is really happening, versus a game where they pretend it’s happening, because I don’t know how many different individuals and groups are interacting with me. I can never tell if it’s only one group playing a ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine, or if there really are different people who are good and bad. I only know that the best ones usually leave the quickest – the nicest ones are the ones who get hurt and frustrated the most easily, and abandon me the quickest, while the sort of hardened cynical people are the only ones who stick around and don’t get their feelings hurt.

When you interact with someone through voices in their head, and they speak back to you with subvocal speech whispers, it is NOT AT ALL THE SAME as a regular conversation where you can see the real person standing in front of you, see their facial expressions, and respond to them. In subvocal speech, I often spew out hatred and I tell them extremely negative truths, which I would not do face to face. I do this most if I am sick or on drugs, but even so, on a normal day, I still frequently just ignore them if they try to talk to me (I wouldn’t do that in a real conversation) because I can’t tell when it’s an actual person versus a random computerized gibberish whose only purpose is to interfere with my thoughts by making noise. There is so much random gibberish I can’t respond to it all, and a lot of it seems to be an AI, or an AS, artificial stupidity, whose only purpose is to prevent me from thinking on my own by constantly making background noise. Some background noise is from the background radio waves which are everywhere, and that’s why I need a shielded room.

The voice sounded apologetic and regretful and mentioned that I had judged it as evil because of the events that occurred with Matthew. Again, I can’t tell who I’m dealing with and have no idea if I am talking to one of the good people, one of the bad people, or random computer gibberish, at any given moment, although there are times when I clearly feel that I’m talking to somebody who is ‘nice’ and I actually hear unexpected, unpredictable things, which are different from the random gibberish – the gibberish is meaningless and repetitive. So if I say that someone is evil because of what they did to me, in reality I cannot tell if my life is being controlled by a hostile group, a benevolent group, a particular individual, or what, or just random events that happen by accident. I don’t believe they are all powerful, and I do believe that accidents do happen, even though they have tried to convince me that they control every molecule at every moment in time.

Somebody different might have brought Matthew to me, but then a separate, different group might have added things for me to say to him. My writing habit is so strong, so intense, so deeply burned into my brain, and so filled with evil garbage from decades of trauma and brainwashing, including constant brain-burns from the zaps of electricity that I get all the time that reshape my brain, that when I took a caffeine pill and started writing to Matthew, all the horrors came out, through a medium where I could not see his facial expression responding. I can’t talk that way in person at all.

I had observed a similarity in the pattern of ‘being invited to a church on a holiday, but not being able to get there the first time’ as something that happened both with Jesse and with Matthew, and after I wrote about that, a voice – one of the ‘hardened cynical voices’ who seems to stick with me a long time, predicted that there would be another Matthew-like person, or it would happen again, this Christmas.

In a way, that’s annoying – I don’t mean to imply that it HAS TO ALWAYS be that way, just because I saw a pattern. Yes, I saw a pattern, but it could just as easily happen in the summer when there are no holidays. It doesn’t HAVE TO be on Christmas or some holiday. I don’t want to have to wait an entire year to fall in love with somebody again. I would rather fall in love very soon, although I would prefer to wait until I feel sure I don’t have trichomoniasis, which means I want a testing kit or else I just want to go to the same place I went before and get tested again.

But there is always some reason why it’s bad timing for me. There is no such thing as a good time, and there never will be. My life is endless chaos and suffering. The person who truly loves me must understand that this chaos is neverending, and they must put up with whatever craziness is going on at the moment. David Wilcock wrote about that in his book – he said something similar. He said that his life was like a ‘crazy movie’ or something like that, and if any new person were to step into his life and see what’s going on and how he has to live, they wouldn’t understand why he was doing any of the things he was doing. My life is just like that. I have to do a ‘disclosure’ to each new person to tell them why I do A, why I do B, why I do C, why I cannot do XYZ, and why I never ever want to do DEFG again, and so on.

This regretful-sounding voice who told me he had to do a transfer because I had judged him as evil about the Matthew incident – that’s exactly the kind of thing that prevents them from ever figuring me out. They always leave and go look for someone easier to deal with.

I remember something about charities – I read about how they make you feel – intractable social problems. People become exhausted when they are trying to solve intractable social problems. My life is an intractable social problem that no one has enough time, energy, resources, or power to fix. Anyone who interacts with me must know that they are going to fail at almost everything they try with me, and I’m going to judge them and hate them for it, no matter what they do. That is why the ‘hardened cynic’ seems to be one of the only voices that seems relatively consistent over time.

So, all the nice voices left and I’m not hearing them now. I’m also very stagnant right now and frustrated.

I’m troubleshooting my chronic fatigue at the moment. It’s the biggest obstacle.

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