Yeah, 7am is not good for me

I have trouble sleeping at nighttime, but not so much in the daytime. I tend to feel best at night and that’s when I want to get up and do things, but I can’t because I have a roommate who has no other time to sleep except night. She left to go to China for a month, so now I am alone in the apartment, so I have a few weeks of being able to do stuff at nighttime and walk around the apartment naked, that kind of thing.

I am going in at 7:00am this morning, and what I feel is that feeling I always knew from jobs where I had to be there early, even at 8am or 9am – I have this feeling of intense rebellion and hatred, and a feeling of growing commitment to changing my job or doing something to fix this. I hate it so much it is like a form of torture, and I had a facebook friend who said the same thing during a time when he wasn’t feeling well, that any job before 11am was the equivalent of torture. I totally agree.

I feel more and more strongly that something needs to change in my life and that I am frustrated. However, I’m cautious right now – I’m on antibiotics, and one time, when I was on antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, I got so depressed I actually QUIT my job. I only have a few more pills to take, and by god I hope they work. I’m not going to quit my job suddenly – I don’t feel that bad.

But this feeling is growing and getting stronger. Something in my life absolutely must change, because my current life is totally unacceptable.

However, I have all this stuff that I have to do. For instance, TAXES. I just didn’t do my taxes at all, not even the federal – fuck ’em! It wasn’t on purpose, it was because of moving into this apartment, having chronic fatigue, and so on, and having a huge mess of bags with things in them and not being able to find anything. I also was unemployed for a large part of 2016, and then, I worked under the table and got cash in the summer at Kaarma. That year was a total waste – the reason I hate it is because I never got it together enough to go home and visit my parents, during the year when Mom was slowly dying of cancer. I really, really wanted to go.

I have this rebellion of not wanting to get up and go to work. I’m not ready – I have to get dressed and fix my hair. I’m not using caffeine, so there is absolutely no comfort for me on this earth right now.

The other thing I have to do is find a permanent apartment with a lease, after this sublet, and that has to be done quickly – I can’t waste time.


3 Responses to “Yeah, 7am is not good for me”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Funny video-

    Why I would love to read DW’s book, but would not buy it-

  2. Nicole Says:

    I agree with some of this. It’s kind of hard to explain why I feel so fascinated with David Wilcock and Corey Goode, even though I don’t completely agree with them. I feel like there are grains of truth in thinking that these things are *possible*, even if every detail might not be right. I have my own EXTREMELY cynical explanations for some of the things they talk about. For instance I always wanted to believe in reincarnation, but at the same time, ‘wanting’ to believe something doesn’t make it true, and I have some cynical explanations for how the reincarnation stories happen – the worst nightmare of the worst possible scenario imaginable: that an artificial intelligence computer system is recording every single detail of every moment of our lives, and has been doing so for an extremely long time, as in perhaps hundreds of years (it might not be this bad – I do remember having more freedom when I was a child and teenager than I do now, and this correlates with the growth of weather radar, radar everywhere in general, satellites, cell phones everywhere, and so on, making more and more unavoidable background noise) – if it records everything we ever experienced, then it can put artificial memories of those events into a newborn person, who then claims they were reincarnated. That’s my extremely cynical interpretation which makes me unconvinced that David Wilcock or anybody else has ‘scientifically proven’ reincarnation exists. If it’s something that I really, really wish were true, I feel obligated to look at the possibility that it isn’t true, and the worst case scenario is true instead. I’m kind of jumbled in my thoughts here but the point is that I still find both of them entertaining to watch, and the entertainment value is probably what I gain from it the most.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    but the point is that I still find both of them entertaining to watch,

    Yes this is the crux!

    distraction from physical reality…

    Trump card

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