I scheduled a taxi for church because I’m a racist

This was kind of a roundabout thing. I was going to try to get up and go to the UU church. I was looking at their website again last night. Suddenly I saw that they had a new minister who was an African American woman. I am a ‘quiet racist,’ as in, I try to be as nice as possible to real black people I interact with, while inwardly I’m often annoyed with them, frustrated, etc, and thinking racist thoughts.

Well, going to church is bad enough – listening to insipid gibberish recycled for thousands of years, which was useless from the first day it was written, and is still useless now – but hearing it from a black person, while constantly feeling slightly racist, makes it ten times more insipid than before.

I wasn’t in the mood for that, so I made a sudden, sharp decision – to go to Matthew’s church instead, even though I was trying to avoid doing that, because he had defriended/blocked me.

The only way I could guarantee that I would go there was if I scheduled something in advance somehow that would give me an obligation to go. The idea: call the taxi and schedule them to pick me up in advance. So I now have a taxi coming here to get me at 9:30 this morning to take me to his church.

His church looks a lot like Jesse’s church was – horrible, horrible, cringe-inducing lyrics (“Bursting, bursting, up from the ground, we feel it now, bursting, bursting, up from the ground, we feel it now”) written on a big screen while people play modern music in a band. The mortifying, cringe-inducing, orgasm-suggesting lyrics are only the tip of the iceberg of what is wrong with the music. It will also be too loud and it will be going over microphones. I know what to expect from seeing the pictures.

They have a cafe, too. I might want to go eat there.

When Matthew invited me, I told him I would skulk in the back of the church, wearing my scumbaggiest clothes, not speaking to anyone, and he said (in text), ‘Nonsense! I will introduce you to all my friends.’ (Who ever uses the word ‘nonsense?’ Seriously??? I love him.) But now, today, since I’m going alone, and I probably won’t see him anywhere, that is exactly what I am going to do.

This matches a pattern – he invited me, and it was going to be on Easter, and I didn’t make it for various reasons – just like Jesse invited me to his church on Christmas, and I didn’t make it there for various reasons (partly because I didn’t know where the church was, because he didn’t tell me), but I eventually went to another Christmas service the next year. I missed the holiday but came back later, at the very beginning of a relationship. However, the relationship with Matthew is not necessarily going to go the way it does with Jesse, and if it does go anything like that, I hope he doesn’t join the army. There are some parallels, partial parallels, between my relationship with Jesse and Matthew, but not exact ones. I can’t tell them all because I’m not blogging for very long, as I have to comb my hair right now.

On Groundhog Day, some other year in the future, maybe I will make it to the very first church holiday ceremony they invite me to. If anybody ever invites me to church, say yes immediately and make sure not to miss the holiday. I also missed seeing Matthew play the guitar, which, if this were The Adjustment Bureau, is like seeing what’s-her-face dancing, although I still fell in love with him anyway.

I have no reality check anymore, due to not being able to interact with him, so the fantasy is running wild. I am now in the fantasy world and not the real world.

I have to get dressed and comb my hair.

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