Horribly loud music, bright lights, but entrainment frequencies were only moderate; getting ahead of myself by wanting to hack computers

5:02 PM 5/7/2017

I did go to Matthew’s church. I never saw him there, although I didn’t expect to – he’s graduating right now and going back home. I don’t know the exact date when he’s leaving.

The church was almost exactly as I predicted – similar to Jesse’s church, Assembly of God. This was Christ Community Church. They had modern music and TV screens where you can see the lyrics.

What they also had: extremely bright, super-white-blue-cold lights shining directly in our eyes like we were being interrogated, from up on the ceiling. For what purpose? I don’t know. I felt like I was squinting the entire time I was there. The burning pain in my eyes was constant. Maybe that’s supposed to be like God.

What else they also had: Extremely loud volume with extremely high pitches. I feel like I probably went permanently deaf from the extremely high volume of the music. My ears are actually still ringing right now. I’m slightly exaggerating – I’ve heard worse. But this is something I will just never, never understand. Why do people like extremely loud music? I played music loudly in my car, but never at the screaming high frequencies that cause deafness, and never as loud as these places. The particular frequencies might have something to do with it. I probably turned down the treble before turning up the volume. I seem to remember that. I also didn’t have the bass super loud, either. I wanted the middle frequencies. Those are the singing frequencies.

To cope with this constant pain – it did end eventually, but it lasted a long time – I had a ‘friend’ in my head who was cracking jokes, while I had to try not to laugh, making very cynical jokes about everything that was happening. It was my only way to cope with the suffering inflicted. It was truly painful.

Just like at Jesse’s church, they had a few extremely loud energetic songs in the beginning, and then a transition during which I could feel hypnotic entrainment frequencies putting everyone to sleep (although these weren’t as bad as they were at Jesse’s church – they were extremely blatant there). I didn’t sleep, but I did relax. The music starts to slow down, get quieter, and it stops the drums and the loud guitars, and has only gentle melodies. Jesse’s church did exactly this same thing in exactly the same way after almost exactly the same amount of time – two or three loud energetic songs, then this transition.

We were supposed to stand up, and I did, but I didn’t wave my hands or wave my body back and forth.

I kept joking with the ‘friend’ about how I couldn’t wait to sit down. We finally did, and then watched a little clip about what they were doing in Madagascar, while I was thinking to myself that these people’s primitive lifestyles were probably healthier than our lives in the USA and maybe we should leave them that way, although actually, they are already being invaded, and are no longer living the way they should. So that is what’s causing their problems.

There were a few different people who gave speeches. None of them inspired me all that much at all – it was the ‘insipid’ type of speech, made by, and for, an incompatible socionic personality type, neglecting all of the type of information that I am interested in. I felt that it was all very Gamma SF-oriented.

This is one of the things that happens in socionics: My own ‘contact functions’ are going to be NT, and my dual’s contact functions are SF. I don’t really know what that means, but in practice, it means ‘we’re interested in different stuff and can’t stand the stuff the other person likes.’ It would be like me dragging Matthew to some discussion of economics and expecting him to care about it and like it. He’s able to love this church, just as I’m able (or was in the past) to learn about things like economics, but if we try to drag each other to go see those things, which are outside our quadra, it’s going to be difficult to gain anything from them. It would be much easier to gain information if it was all coming from inside the quadra.

But, as we know, in real life you get information from many different sources.

So eventually I saw, with dread, the band members walking up to the stage again, and I knew I was going to have to stand up. They played some more loud music and then it was over. Some random lady had taken me in, as I was walking through the door looking lost and confused – Aida? I think that was her name. So I was next to her, because she didn’t want me to feel like I was completely alone.

At the end, I mentioned to her that I had been invited here by a friend of mine, but he wasn’t here anymore because he graduated. I said his name was Matthew X (hell, I could even write his last name in my blog – it wouldn’t even matter, he’s impossible to find with his non-unique name, there are thousands of them). She looked bewildered. She said the church was larger and she didn’t know everyone anymore. She must have seen some kind of look on my face as I was telling her, ‘He said he played the guitar at an Easter ceremony???’ I thought, if he had done that, nobody could possibly not know who he was. But she still looked bewildered and said, ‘I’m sorry, no, I’m not sure who he is,’ and she seemed to reflect my own pain and loss, which apparently I was showing too clearly.

So I became confused. Did he even go to this church at all, ever??? Did he really play the guitar for an Easter service? Did anyone here know him? Did he vanish into nothing and come from nothing? How could he play the guitar on Easter and everybody wouldn’t know who he was? Did this lady even go to the church on Easter? Was there any kind of guitar performance at all? I even wandered into the supernatural and wondered if he really had appeared out of nothing and gone back into nothing, and was not really a member of our society and was truly alien.

But I know it is more mundane than that – somebody somewhere knows who he is at that church. I don’t think he was outright lying and I don’t really believe he just vanished.

So I came home and slept. And since I’m not doing ten different kinds of drugs anymore, I’m not really alert enough to try challenging new tasks that require a lot of mental effort. But I became curious about hacking. Maybe also I’m not doing so well because I’m still on these antibiotics, which have some side effects like making me a bit lightheaded or making me hungry or sick or tired. When I’m off them, I will probably feel more alert.

I wondered about hacking. It would require a huge amount of mental focus, and I would strongly prefer to do it from a new computer that had no personal data on it, simply because I don’t want to
accidentally destroy my own computer by going to hacking websites and downloading hacking tools that might mess it up. It’s not so much that I absolutely have to hide who I am, although yes, actually, that too – if I’m going to be hacking, and if someone notices that I’m hacking and counterhacks me, since I’m a clueless newbie, then I could get caught. So it would be best to do it from a computer that doesn’t have my name all over it.

It’s hard to buy a computer without getting your name all over it. When I bought a computer at Best Buy years ago, they installed things for me and activated it for me and there were many times when they programmed my name into the computer. The computer would have to simply never have my name typed into it at all at any point. Even formatting it wouldn’t help. All the evil stuff is permanently inside those things that you can’t format, those, what are they called, the chips that are – all I can think of is ‘semihard,’ which sounds like a penis. But you know what I mean. Hardsoft chips. Flash. Flash things. All that stuff. You can’t format them.

Why can’t I remember what those are called? I don’t think it’s flash. It’s something other than the hard drive, and it can’t be removed or formatted, and it’s similar to the BIOS. The NSA puts viruses or rootkits on these things. No matter what you do, you can’t get rid of them unless you physically removed this chip and somehow replaced it with a new chip that you had overseen during its production process. And you knew it hadn’t been shipped across the ocean and the boat was intercepted by the NSA in the middle of the ocean.

Oh well, it doesn’t matter. I don’t think other hackers and script kiddies are worrying THAT much about the computers they use to do the hacking.

So, I was getting ahead of myself, because at this moment, I don’t have a computer that I would use for hacking. Penn State Salvage, maybe? I haven’t been there in like decades.

And then, after all that, what exactly is my goal? What is it that I want to know?

There are some things I want to understand. It’s all the typical stuff that every hacker wants to know – like a fairy tale. Someone is about to be seduced into doing something evil, asking the evil witch for a favor, and the things people ask for are always the same, when they have the genie in the bottle, or Ursula the sea witch – I want more money, more power, I want to get revenge on somebody, I want to know if my girlfriend is cheating on me – it’s always the same themes over and over again.

I do actually want a feeling of power. I am utterly powerless when someone cuts me off. I would have to avoid being tempted to use these tools BEFORE someone cut me off, because it would harm a developing relationship if I started to say things that indicated I knew things about them that I shouldn’t know, which I had learned by hacking. I would have to only use the tools AFTER someone cut me off.

All this time I loathed hackers, but, I had never fallen in love with a socionic dual that I physically met in real life and hugged and had a real friendship with. That was totally new. I met a previous dual online and never met him in person, and it happened during a time of severe contamination, where I could not control my behavior at all. This is different – I am mostly not contaminated, although we had the bad timing of meeting when I 1. had an STD, and 2. was using caffeine pills because of severe fatigue while moving out of my tent.

This really was different from anything that happened before. I met him in person, and he was also a real dual (ENFP), not a mirage type (ESFP). He was genuinely nice to me and liked me, up until the point when I took caffeine pills and began to uncontrollably write him some extremely long text messages in a particular tone, which is when he blocked me. Even though this was a disastrous and horribly painful failure, it still has these seeds in it, these signs that something has changed, something different is happening.

Anyway, I was saying, I loathed hackers and never wanted to hack. I very briefly had passing fantasies of learning how to do it, but never really cared enough. Now, however, because this is different, I feel differently. I feel a need to know and understand something about him, and I am powerless to do it through the normal routes.

It’s hard to say what I want to know and understand. I want to know what’s happening with Hannah. What does she do and say to him that’s causing him so much pain? He is totally in love with her and wants to marry her, but she has said that she doesn’t see him as a boyfriend, only a friend. Did she really say that? Or is he not telling me the whole story? He also said that at one point, she seemingly changed her mind and DID say she liked him for a boyfriend, but then somehow that fizzled out and I don’t recall exactly what happened. She hasn’t completely stopped talking to him, and he hasn’t blocked her. He said she texted him to say Happy Easter. He made her freak out by telling her she couldn’t be his ‘friend’ anymore, because that was
disrespectful to him when he wanted her for a girlfriend. What’s going on with her? That’s something I want to understand.

I also just want general information about him, but I don’t know exactly what. Just anything that helps me understand him.

As I said, I’m getting ahead of myself, because I don’t know how to hack even the most basic, simplest thing yet. So, for example, it will be a huge achievement if only I ‘hack’ the telephone system by sending a command into it and receiving a piece of data that I am not allowed to receive, even if it is a bunch of beeps and boops and gibberish that I cannot interpret. That is how it will be for me. I might be able to get some gibberish that I cannot understand, and will have to spend weeks or months just trying to learn how to interpret what it means. I am WAYYYYYY ahead of myself by even THINKING about what I want to learn about Matthew that I cannot learn through legitimate routes. The only thing I can start to learn about is what all that gibberish means that I might be able to get back out of the systems.

Or, I could find tools made by people who have already made it more user friendly, but again – downloading and using any tools at all means that I should do this on a computer that I don’t mind losing, because tools made by hackers, or by anybody at all, can just wreck the computer.

All of this I still view as evil. I know it can lead me to something bad. It could lead to this fascination with watching him, in futility, in vain, from afar, which is a substitute for a real relationship. However, if it helps me understand something about what types of guys to look for, and where to find them, that will be helpful to know.

Also, I see myself as a benign force, not wanting to hurt him, and so I could feel terrible if I did something that messed up any of his phones or computers, or caused him suffering like what I felt when I was being hacked years ago. I mean, when I first noticed it, and when I wasn’t yet aware of mind control. Mind control became a bigger priority than hacking. I want a non-interfering type of hacking, which won’t make all his computers and phones slow down and make him angry, and then, he might start replacing the phones and computers, which means more hacking has to be done.

The length of time it would take to learn how to do this stuff, and the mental focus required – I don’t have a lot of mental focus right now, and haven’t gotten back to what I was doing while programming GameMaker a few months ago before Mom died. I was using sage and rosemary, and right this moment, those don’t seem to be helping me much, although I’m on these antibiotics and am messed up for a few more days. I hope to regain some mental focus and some energy. – The length of time it would take is almost a guarantee of failure. I will abandon the attempt for whatever reason, although if I did, that’s probably a good thing and would mean I no longer care about Matthew. It might take months before I can get any desired results at all, even very small results. It would require a type of persistence that I don’t have.

But I have this feeling of injustice, in a way. He judged me. And, he judged me wrongly. I kind of want to look at him and judge him back. What are you doing on your computer that I can judge you for? I’m angry that you judged me to be a bad person who doesn’t deserve to exist and whose feelings don’t matter at all. Just wipe me out of existence and the problem is solved.

None of this would be a problem if more duals existed, if they were commonplace, if I saw hundreds of them every day. Instead, I only encounter endless thousands of other non-dual types, everywhere I go, all the time. When I find one, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime event. I do know a couple of ENFPs and INFJs in real life but am not attracted to them anywhere near as much as I was to Matthew.

I need to go eat something and decide what I will do tonight. My brain feels kind of, I dunno, headachy. These antibiotics – I only have to go a few more days.

‘These Days’ by Nico – it was on the Royal Tenenbaums – they are using pizzicato strings to mark the rhythm. See? No drums. You don’t need huge loud ribcage-thumping drums to have a rhythm in a song. Matthew’s songs were only guitar. Maybe something else, I forget what, but certainly not pounding drums. I just hate drums almost all the time. The songs I love the most don’t have them. The electronic synth songs invariably have them, but I would happily remove them if I could. Songs can be made without drums!!! It’s unthinkable!!! Green hat this idea, people! Songs can be made without drums! It is ANATHEMA TO THE UNIVERSE!!! God himself would come down from the sky and tell you to put a drum in your song if there wasn’t one. You would go to jail for writing a song that didn’t have drums in it. Learn how to do it!

NO DRUMS! and no electric guitars, and no microphones – design the building so that it reflects sound out to the farthest people without a microphone like they did for thousands of years. No microphones, no drums, no electricity, just an acoustically designed building that reflects the voices of the speakers out to the far people.

Okay, I’m done.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: