I’m sitting with Jacob outside typing on my phone

I really have much less psychological trauma when I’m off caffeine. It’s relatively easy to forget Matthew when I’m like this. I have a lot of fatigue still, and my stuff is all wet and moldy in all the bags in my room, and that might be making me more tired. The caffeine gives me this feeling that I need something, a person. I can’t say which neurotransmitter it is, but it’s completely different now. I can’t remember how it felt to be in love with Matthew and enjoying his company. It only lasted a few days before he blocked me. The caffeine pills made me write long, obsessive, inconsolable messages. He would’ve continued to be my friend if I hadn’t been using caffeine. However, I couldn’t get up out of bed to move my belongings. That was why I took the caffeine. Milk is another thing that I need to stop using. It’s addictive, and causes crying during withdrawal. I want to try a milk-free diet soon. I pay attention to which foods and drugs affect my moods so that I can have some control over my behavior, because if I didn’t control it at all, I would be on ten different drugs and living in a mental hospital right now. Anything I can do to stop feeling like I need Matthew is helpful. They gave me a dream last night. But I might run out of space in this text message, so I might continue this in part two. I’m still letting Jacob sit outside. He hasn’t been out for days. So the dream was of a guy who looked like Rob, a guy I briefly knew at McDonalds when I first began there. He was Chelsea’s boyfriend. He had big, beautiful eyes, and he looked at me through a crowd of people. I think Chelsea was ESTJ and he was INFJ. In the dream, I slept beside Rob, touching against him, the way my cat sleeps against me. The physical touch created serotonin (it should be oxytocin, but was serotonin in the dream), which was shown in a diagram. Matthew was on prozac, the dream explained, so his serotonin was abnormal and so he could not bond with people by touching them.


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