continuing the Matthew memoir

9:10 PM 4/26/2017

I’m uncaffeinated today. The ‘a’ key is the most recent one to be having problems on my keyboard, so if you notice typos where a word is missing the ‘a,’ that is why.

My head is starting to hurt from caffeine withdrawal. I had only one cup of decaf yesterday, watered down a few times. The day before, I had about 1+3/4 cups (decaf), watered down over a few hours. So I am jumping from a relatively low level of caffeine, down to nothing, today.

I ate the rest of the garlicky salsa – tomatoes, and garlic, and onions, and probably all nightshade vegetables, trigger extremely intense caffeine cravings. But since I’m home from work today, it’s easier to go without coffee and just sleep all day, which is what I did, so I was able to ignore any cravings.

It’s kind of hard to think back on Matthew now. I’m still getting urges to try to write to him, but I assume he’s blocking my text messages. I wrote him one or two really long messages while taking caffeine pills – even though it was only one pill – and enough trauma came pouring out that he decided he was better off blocking me forever than listening to it.

I also still look for him when I’m at work. I look to see if he is coming across the street. But I’m pretty sure he’s just avoiding MM entirely – he doesn’t really *need* to go shopping there.

He was given forced urges to come see me, and to help me. I’m blaming the mind controllers for all that happened, although those mind controllers are always blaming me for being unable to control what I say. They’re like, ‘Well, you deserve to suffer, because you can’t stop yourself from saying things people don’t like to hear when you’re under the influence of mind-altering drugs.’ Let’s give you someone to fall in love with, then yank him away instantly after only a brief few days of bonding with him! You deserve it! Where are those forced urges NOW, mind controllers??? I’m doing fine now without caffeine, but he’s not getting any more forced urges to talk to me.

I left off the story on the night we were having a very long conversation. I might be mixing together a few different incidents – I don’t recall when he gave me the chocolate cereal, whether it was the long-talk night or some other night.

I was having a lot of trouble just standing up long enough to get through my shift, and was drinking espressos and ginseng-filled energy drinks. Ginseng causes me to behave very differently, and I tend to attract guys when I’m using it, who are suddenly bewildered when I stop using it and I stop flirting with them.

I think I described how we prayed together, over the counter at MM, me behind the counter and him on the customer side. We held hands, and holding hands while praying with him was a wonderful, sweet
experience, even though I’m not Christian and cannot completely ‘get into it’ even when I try to. I cannot tune in to the Christian frequency.

Although that’s not entirely true – I had a moment, after we started texting, when I kneeled down at the edge of the bed and texted Matthew about the fact that I had an infection, which was a difficult confession to make, and while I was kneeling, texting, and confessing, I felt a flowing sensation of energy flowing down from above me and through me, like I was supposed to be doing this. So, I *am* able to tune in to the ‘confession’ frequency if I am kneeling and if I am telling it to somebody who actually has a need to know, somebody I love, but probably not just any random priest.

That was actually a very extraordinary, interesting, strange, and wonderful feeling. It is too rare that I have bonding experiences with other humans – ever since I lost Rachael, I have found not a single human being I could talk to.

But he wasn’t able to tolerate more confessions after that – he barely could tolerate that one. His reaction, in text, was kind of resistant. He just kind of stiffly said ‘You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,’ or something like that, and I said ‘Thanks for tolerating me,’ and he said ‘It’s not like that at all, I want to help you.’

I won’t just quote verbatim all our texts. I’ll paraphrase them.

He did not bond with me as strongly as I bonded with him, and wasn’t attracted to me as strongly as I was to him.

On the night of the prayer, he still stayed around for quite a while. I don’t remember if the prayer happened before or after this conversation. Matthew had been telling me his experiences of synchronicity, although that’s not what he called them. It was the will of God. Or the voice of God, or something. He did a
demonstration. A guy came in, a random customer, and Matthew started a conversation with him, asking him about his job. He was an Uber driver. The guy also mentioned Zipcars. I’ve heard of them – I only know that some people have tried to use the Zipcar card to fuel up at MM, and they can’t. It doesn’t seem to work there.

So, after that conversation, and after the guy left, Matthew pointed out to me that that was an example of something that was meant to happen. He suggested that that’s God telling us that’s the job I should try to do – be an Uber driver, using a Zipcar. He then offered to pay me for the first zipcar that I signed up for, because he wanted to help make a difference in my life. He always said, he was trying to help me.

I actually took this seriously and haven’t forgotten it. I intend to try looking into it. I’ve got to get a couple other things settled first.

I don’t know all the details of exactly what he did, but he told me that he had thought himself to be a terrible criminal who had done terrible things that were actually much worse than whatever he really did. He once helped create a fake image of a naked child, which a pedophile was going to look at, because he used to use Photoshop. He tried to describe how he made the image, where something was in front of the child so that it was covering it up (I think it was a girl, but I forget) and it gave an illusion of being naked when it wasn’t. He found out afterwards that this was being used by pedophiles and blamed himself for it, and was extremely upset around children afterwards.

I hesitated to tell about this, but I doubt Matthew or anyone who knows him will ever read my blog. Matthew is blocking me forever and will never see me again, I assume.

He said he locked himself in his room for two years and was almost suicidal. I asked him, then, when did he start taking Prozac, because I knew that inevitably Prozac was involved – I already knew he was taking it. He was sixteen when they gave him Prozac. In a text, I told him that terrible things happened if you quit suddenly or changed your dosages, and he said he already knew about it and had experienced that. But that was my interpretation for why he ‘went crazy’ like that, becoming suicidal. However, it’s not the entire explanation.

His girlfriend (the one who isn’t a girlfriend, who calls him just a friend, but also refuses to let go of him, making me very curious to hear HER side of the story), Hannah, calls him a pedophile when she is extremely hurt and wants to hurt him very badly.

He told me that one time, Hannah told him she wanted to go eat at a diner, but the local diner wasn’t really what she wanted. She wanted to go to some other diner which was in a faraway town. So they got in the car and started driving, and when they had been on the road a long time, she told him, ‘I actually would have been fine eating at the local diner. I just wanted to see if I could make you take me to this one,’ or something to that effect. He thought this incident was a crazy, funny memory – she’s crazy in a fun way.

I myself am not crazy in a fun way, not anymore. I’m crazy in an extremely negative, traumatized, dark, scary way.

He told me about the photoshop incident while helping me move some stuff out of my tent. That wasn’t on the prayer night.

I forget how we ended the prayer night. I only know that we exchanged text messages and began talking to each other that way, which was the beginning of an extremely brief, wonderful, blessed moment of my life, a tiny flash of light in the darkness, which quickly went out after only a few moments. I have gone so long without love, without true love, without someone who I felt able to talk to, and simultaneously physically attracted to.

I told him I was a nudist, and so a fake image of a naked child should not be a big deal. But I understand that it is. I told him that when he was helping me at the tent.

The prayer night ended badly for me at work – I was unable to finish all the stuff I had to do on time. I had to make all these breakfast sandwiches, but I didn’t for two reasons – I was so tired I could barely stand up, and, I was talking to Matthew, who stayed at the counter for a very long time in the night, and the entire universe ceased to exist because he was there with me.

It is so, so wrong that I do not get to experience this love more often.

Customers started coming in, and they were the construction workers, grumpy that the sandwiches were not entirely done at the time when they came in. I was almost done, but not quite. They didn’t have time to wait.

After that, I was taken off the overnight shift for quite a few days, and I suspect one of them might have complained about me. I should’ve been happy not to be on overnights, but actually it made me anxious – I’m failing at my job and am at risk of being fired. That’s how I feel.

So it was the next night that I hugged him. I saw him coming across the street just as I was walking out of work and crossing towards him. I was on ginseng. I ran over (checking for cars) and hugged him in the middle of the street, then stood there for a few seconds talking to him. He said, ‘Let’s move over here,’ or something, and I said, ‘Yeah, I don’t want us to get killed.’ We moved over to the little curb thing which is still in the middle of part of the street, but you’re able to stand there. Then I hugged him several more times, three or four more times during the conversation.

My enthusiastic, excited, happy hugs were not joyfully returned, they were tolerated. He allowed me to do it, but did not excitedly reciprocate. He had a moment of reserve where he seemed to step back, not literally stepping back, but somehow pulling away or hesitating. This was partly because he did not want to be disloyal to Hannah, but even if Hannah didn’t exist, he might still not have felt a desire to hug me.

I forget what we talked about on that night. I should look at the text message which failed to send when I ran out of texts – I had been trying to write a blog about it.

We decided at some point that he would help me move a few things out of the tent, and also that he would take me to church. It was just before Easter, so it was going to be the Easter church, which I hadn’t realized.

He told me he had found a place to park his car where it was cheaper, on the other side of town, so he had to walk a long way to get his car out whenever he used it. I don’t know where he lives.

It doesn’t matter – he’s leaving very, very soon, and will never speak to me again.

I’m also not going to meet anyone else like him for a very long time, and if I do, they won’t reciprocate my feelings.

Then I went on home. I forget when this was, but at some point he texted me asking me if I was walking home, and I said yes, or rather, I had ridden my bike home, to the tent. We had this intimacy and comfort. He can text me and ask where I am and if I got home. It was a brief, sweet moment in time.

It was on one of my two days off in a row. I somehow was lucky and got two days off, and had been going to go to WV to Mom’s memorial. However, I felt sick and stayed here. Matthew had said he was sick, too, I forgot about that. I told him I had decided not to go; he had texted me back ‘I’m sorry you couldn’t go. I’m sure she was a great woman,’ or something like that.

How did he pick me up? I told him I lived next to Weis Market, so we decided he would pick me up from Weis. I went over to Weis, and got some coffee, because I was still drinking coffee back then, and I said I was extremely tired, and I didn’t want to be a zombie. I got myself this coffee at Weis and maybe one or two little snacks. I sat out front. He finally texted me and told me he was there, in the parking lot, but I couldn’t see him.

I got up from where I was sitting, and walked around in front of Weis, looking for him, feeling self-conscious, thinking he could see me but I couldn’t see him. Then suddenly I saw him and was thrilled. I went over to his car and got in.

I wasn’t hugging him repeatedly now. That had only been the one time. After that, I had informed him that I had an infection, which made me feel extremely restrained around him, because I had told him something disgusting and shameful, which might even make him afraid he would catch it, even though we weren’t exchanging bodily fluids. He had prayed for me about it, but I know it must have still been something he was aware of.

I told him where to go, and so, we got out at Walnut Springs Park. We walked down the path. I had made a new entrance at an easier to reach place, so that I could carry lots of heavy bags out easily, and put them on a cart. I didn’t have the cart with me today.

We walked down there and I showed him where I had set a little stick to show me the entrance to my path. We went through the ‘door,’ and I apologized because the branches and stickers were smacking him after I walked through them, but he said, ‘That’s okay, you can’t control what the stickers are doing.’ It was clear after that, because I had deliberately made a ‘door’ out of stickers that you had to push through, then cleared everything out behind it, so it was hidden. Few people would push through the doorway to find the cleared-out path.

Isn’t he studying mechanical engineering or something like that? I forget exactly what he said his major was.

I brought him to the tent, apologizing that there would be poop and stuff around the area. I showed it to him and said that I had shown it to a couple former coworkers too – I like showing my tent to people, because I feel like people can’t possibly believe that I really am camping, even in the wintertime, unless I actually show them the tent. ‘I believed you,’ he said, but even so, I was still glad to show it to him.

So we got a few bags out, and he offered to carry them all himself. There were only a few things left. I had gotten ten huge bags out by myself on one of my days off, and taken them on the cart, which was why I was so tired.

He carried three large garbage bags himself, while I carried nothing, feeling like, I don’t know what, someone walking with a slave or something. I kept offering to carry one but he wouldn’t let me. He went through all the stickers with these bags, and brought them all the way down the long path.

Some people came walking down the path while we were walking out with him carrying these three bags. I mumbled, ‘This is why I don’t like doing this in the daytime.’ He said, ‘Don’t worry about it. We’re just pickin’ up garbage.’ As the girls walked by he said to them, ‘How ya doin?’ or something, and they answered fine, and went on.

I seriously hope he didn’t pull out his shoulder or something by carrying those bags, and that he won’t have some lifelong tendon injury because of me.

We had sat in the car at one point – when was it? Was this when we came back for a second run? and talked about the bible.

I think that was the second run. First, we took them to the apartment, and he met my roommate – only once, then she never saw him again and never will. They introduced themselves and he had to learn her name, which I can’t even remember as I’m sitting here trying to remember. What the heck is her dang-blasted name? Kernier or something. Something that ends with -ier or -air or something. Dang it.

Anjier. I had to look it up in my email.

So they shook hands. I told him to just set the bags down and I would get to them later, and we went back out.

We went back to the parking lot by the camp, and he was talking all about the bible, and looking it up on his phone and reading things to me. He read the parable of the seeds, where the seeds won’t grow if they are thrown in the wrong place, which is similar to how people respond to hearing the word of god (or disclosure, for that matter, or any idea that is different from what they believe or threatening to their belief systems). He was reading this, but I had this feeling of fatigue or tiredness, whether it came from myself or him I don’t know. I was listening to him, trying to understand, but no matter what, I just can’t get into the bible. I have heard most of these things before in bits and pieces and don’t find them useful.

I would listen to anything, just to be with him. He will always be frustrated because I’m not absorbing the bible and I’m not absorbing the word of God, and he doesn’t want me to merely be enjoying his company – that feels like a betrayal to him, like not being taken seriously. He needs someone who believes it along with him, not someone who is silently disagreeing with him.

I actually understand how this feels, because I have belief systems too, just not Christianity. I could talk about why I eat organic food, or about the Weston Price diet, or I could talk about how everyone is able to be mind-controlled if they aren’t inside a shield, which means, basically, everyone on the entire planet is able to be mind-controlled at all times. I can talk about those things, but they won’t matter to someone if they don’t already agree with them.

At some point, we got up, as it was getting dark, and we’re not supposed to stay in that parking lot at nighttime. So we went back to the tent, supposedly to look for more bags to carry out. But I really didn’t feel like getting any more stuff, and I explained that I couldn’t take out the sleeping bags just yet because Jacob was still in the tent and he needed to sleep on the blankets, and I would ‘cut to the bone’ if I took anything else out of the tent right now.

So we sat there in the growing darkness, and talked more, and that was when he told me about the photoshop incident. We didn’t touch each other. Finally he left, and while I offered to show him the way out, he went by himself, using his phone as a flashlight. His flash on the phone wasn’t able to stay on, and he tried to pray with me that it would stay on, but it didn’t – I know from experience that there is a connection between mind control and computer hacking, so actually, I don’t make fun of him for praying that something on the computer or phone will fix itself, because I’ve experienced hackers and mind reading and I know I’ve seen my computer getting hacked at the same time that some mental phenomenon is going on. It does happen, so I didn’t make fun of this at all. I went right along with it, but alas, they did not wish to give a demonstration to us at that time, so the phone light continued to keep going off, and he had to turn it back on again.

I said, ‘Maybe it just wasn’t important enough. It’s not really an emergency.’ I was able to see the path well enough and so could he, and no lives were at risk.

So he left, without touching me, without taking my hand, without hugging me, just having helped me move stuff out of my tent. I let him go.

We touched less and less over the next few days, and I still felt ‘contagious,’ which was the primary reason why I didn’t want to touch him – I figured he was repulsed by me. I had only hugged him that first day, and once a day after that – I had been sad and moody, and had texted him and told him I was just in a bad mood for no reason, and he had shown up at MM, but hadn’t seen me. I had been back in the kitchen area taking temperatures. I saw him as he was leaving the store, and I actually RAN OUT THE FRONT DOOR chasing him, yelling, ‘Matthew! Matthew!’

So I ran across our parking lot yelling ‘Matthew,’ and he somehow didn’t hear me, or ignored me, until he got to the corner, where he stopped and turned. I ran up to him and hugged him, and that was the last hug I ever gave him. I was just moody. I was probably in ginseng withdrawal or something, actually. I forget what he said. He told me he hadn’t seen me in there. I said I was just doing stupid paperwork, and it wasn’t anything important (my brain is screaming ‘NOTHING ELSE MATTERS BUT YOU’). I had literally run out the front door, in the middle of my shift at work, to go catch him. This was unthinkable behavior, totally out of character for me.

There was more after this. It was a day when I took a caffeine pill. I was suddenly alert enough to have a long conversation with him in text. I texted him all afternoon, asking him questions about what was happening with Hannah, and he was glad to tell me.

Then later, he showed up at MM after I got finished, and we sat down at this table near the MAC machine. He got a container of ice cream, and I went and got a plastic spoon for him. I did not get myself a plastic spoon, and I did not scoop out any ice cream, because I have reason to believe my saliva is contagious. Oh, if I had not been contagious, I would have done that very thing, if he had let me.

He ate his ice cream and talked. We sat at the table, and I could feel the electricity radiating from his legs, which tickled my legs. I moved my legs carefully out of the way so that they would not accidentally touch his. I kept them far away from his legs the whole time.

He had on a loose sweater, and was leaning back against his chair with one arm thrown back, so that the back of the chair was poking up through his sweater like a giant pointed boob. Did I laugh? Did I even smirk? Nope. I did not make even the slightest peep about this. I did not laugh, I did not smirk, I did not tell him that his sweater was making a giant boob because the pointed part of the chair back was poking through it in that position. I just tolerated that this kind of thing is going to constantly happen with him because of his personality type, which has a lack of awareness of physical things.

We talked for a while about Hannah.

How did I leave?

He found me on facebook. Maybe that was earlier. Maybe he had already found me. It was that day.

I looked at a few of her pictures by then. I said that her eyes were very far apart. He laughed and said yeah, they were, but he loved everything about her. I had only said that because I said I was having trouble figuring out which one she was, in the pictures, because it was always her with several other people.

I tried to understand why she was doing what she was doing. I sincerely want to know, even now. What is she doing to him, and why is she doing it?

He’s a firefighter. I never mentioned that. Do you think of an ENFP as a firefighter? I never would, but I learned something new. He had said, at his first fire, he was too scared to go in at first, because his equipment wasn’t on properly and he couldn’t get it to go on, and the other firefighter had been really angry at him afterwards for delaying, but I think he said he finally went in. I said, I had heard that firefighters sometimes complained that they were being pressured to go in to fires without any protection at all or without the proper equipment, and he said it wasn’t really like that, they were in fact required to wear this stuff.

I thought of that – I had forgotten – because he told me that Hannah had tried to crash a party for the firefighters. He was rejecting Hannah because she said she only wanted to be a friend, not a girlfriend, and he felt that was disrespectful to him, and I said it was arrogant, and I myself had had guy friends who I used to be arrogant towards when I was young. After he told her that he didn’t want to be her friend at all anymore, she started showing up at places trying to see him, and she tried to crash the firefighters banquet by going along with some other friend, but when the other friend found out, they didn’t let her.

This whole story seems suspicious to me – why is Hannah doing what she’s doing? Why would she bother stalking him to the banquet if she wasn’t attracted to him, in love with him, something? What is he doing to her, from her point of view? I am missing her entire half of the story – how does she describe what’s happening?

It actually all seems to resemble what he’s doing to me – blocking me, refusing to answer, all that. He hasn’t actually completely defriended me on facebook – he’s there, just a bookmark that does nothing – I cannot interact with him in any way on facebook.

I don’t remember how we left, that night. He finished his ice cream, which I could not share with him. I really wanted to. I really wished I could just let my knee hit his knee. How did I go home? Where did he go? We didn’t go together. I’m just trying to remember how we separated. Did I continue to sit there? I think that’s how it went. I stayed sitting, and he got up and left. I sat there for a little longer, just looking at Hannah’s page.

But that would be the same night that I went walking home, pushing my bike, crying my guts out, for hours. I cried until I almost vomited. I had to stop crying because I have a vomit phobia and I don’t vomit unless I absolutely have to. I walked my bike home slowly, talking to the voices the whole time. Why would I be on such a terrible, solitary mission? Why would Anaya not be able to help me? Why would I have such a burden, to do this mission by myself, for so long, without any help? This is what we talked about. I told the voices about how long I had been suffering and how horribly isolated I had been.

My emotions are drastically affected by the caffeine pills, and that was *part* of why I cried so much, but it was that, combined with 17 years of real trauma.

I had told him the caffeine pill was affecting me. It made me start to write him some very long messages, and I told him how I felt about him. I felt that I had to take another caffeine pill the next day to get Jacob out of the tent and over to the apartment, because everything was just impossible for me to do by myself, and continued to write him some very long messages, and he quickly blocked me that day. That day it was over. I have never seen him again.

It won’t ever make any difference to him that I’m quitting caffeine. He’s never going to see that I stop sending huge messages in that particular tone when I’m not on caffeine pills. I wanted to quit anyway, and have to quit for myself, and was going to.

Hannah – I still don’t know.

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