Part one of the Matthew memories

12:10 AM 4/24/2017

I’m slightly nervous, and can’t quite get totally immersed in what I’m writing, because I’m sitting outside letting Jacob run around. He’s not very familiar with this place. I have taken him outside for the last two nights in a row, because I feel terrible for him being stuck inside all day when I’m gone, and he’s actually locked in my room, not in the entire apartment, because my roommate is not entirely comfortable with cats, and she asked me to. So I definitely want him to have a little bit of time outside. Nighttime is a good time to do it. There’s less activity. He’s scared of people and cars. He’s been in the woods for so long, and he can watch the birds, and catch mice, and wander around wherever he wants to out there. This is a terrible change for him, although he must feel more secure – maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he knows that strangers could come walking in the door at any moment to take him away, and he can’t hide from them.

I do have my assignment to write about Matthew, but will I be able to do that with half my mind on Jacob? We are sitting in this inner circle in the middle of the buildings, a little area surrounded by the building, but with some exit tunnel things that go out to the parking lots. Jacob could go through those and have a hard time finding his way back in. It’s very easy to get lost around here.

Maybe I’ll just go look for him and then come back here and sit down.

Oh, he’s right nearby. He came running when I unzipped my backpack to find the flashlight. If he just gets familiar with this inner circle plaza area then he’ll probably be fine.

So… Matthew. In caffeine reduction, I am able to stop doing the thing that caused him to block me. That was, sending long messages. But it’s more than that that I was doing. It’s so hard to talk about. I’m just going to count him as permanently gone for now. It’s up to him to decide if he ever wants to use me for any purpose whatsoever – he knows who I am, I am still on his list, technically (on facebook, that is), in the most minimal way. I am the furthermost available spare friend for the apocalypse, when all other friends have failed.

So. I looked at a piece of paper and saw that I had written that I was hired in February. I can’t believe it’s been that long. This is almost the end of April, so I’ve been working there for almost three months, and so, I will have seen Matthew throughout most of that time, but had no connection with him.

I mostly saw him when I worked overnights. I notice all the long-haired guys, especially if they are regulars who come there often. I do occasionally see long-haired guys who don’t come in very often. Matthew became a familar face, and that was all. He was friendly, but we didn’t have any major conversations with each other.

Ironically, even though I am complaining that drugs destroyed my relationship with him, it was probably drugs that started the relationship. Some things changed when I started drinking the energy drinks that had ginseng in them. Ginseng causes me to behave very differently, and I become friendlier. I’m pretty sure I was on ginseng energy drinks that night that Matthew talked to me for a long time.

So, he would come in on overnights and buy random things. I don’t remember what he bought, except the one time when he bought the cereal candy stuff. In fact – was he the guy who exchanged one thing for another thing, saying that the price per weight probably ended up being the same, but it *felt like* it was less because the overall price was less? I’m not sure if that was him or not. This person bought a bigger bag of something, which was more expensive, and exchanged it for a smaller bag of a similar thing, whose price was overall lower, but might have had a higher cost per weight, but it seemed better because the overall price was lower. I think that might have been these chocolate covered cereal things, but I’m not sure.

On the cereal night, he came up to the register and was being friendly, although I forget exactly what he said. He offered me some of the cereal after he bought it and opened the bag. And then, even though other customers came to the counter, he still stayed there talking to me, and giving me more pieces of chocolate covered cereal. So he sort of moved out of the way while other customers were coming up, but didn’t leave.

I knew he played music. I must have seen him carrying his guitar a few times. I thought he told me he played Christian music too, but it wasn’t just that, it was other types of music too.

One night he was sort of moody, and my coworker – was it Nader? – asked him several times how he was doing. So he said, he had just been in a battle of the bands, and he had lost. There had been all these technical difficulties, which was really embarrassing.

I said to him that I would love to listen to him play music sometime. This seemed to get his attention more focused on me. I might have been using ginseng that night, I’m not sure. It was like taking a step towards a deeper relationship. He began talking to me more often after that, more directly and more focused, instead of just being friendly and detached. I said, I’d love to listen to him playing music, but I probably wouldn’t be able to, because I never ended up doing anything, I just went to work and then went home every night, and I made it sound like my life was very dull and boring and lonely. ‘Family?’ he asked at one point, and I explained that I had parents in West Virginia, and a few relatives scattered around the area, but I wasn’t actually with anyone. So, he knew that I wasn’t with anyone, and after that, he became more friendly – knowing he wasn’t going to annoy some husband of mine by talking to me.

What else?

I’m trying to remember the conversations that we had *before* the one big conversation that we had that one night. I thought I remembered another one, but I have forgotten it. I was going over them in my mind over the last couple days. There was at least one more significant conversation that we had about something once.

Well, I will just go to the big conversation then.

I had been on the ‘rolling schedule’ and they had sprayed pesticide. I was having horrible fatigue, and still lived in the tent. I was so exhausted I could barely remain standing for my whole shift on the night shift. All I was doing was merely showing up for work, and ringing people up on the cash register. There’s a whole bunch of other stuff I was supposed to do that I wasn’t doing, and I felt totally worthless, like I was going to get fired.

The whole time I had noticed him, I had typed him as INTJ, so I knew there was no possibility of a close relationship. He would be off in his little world, and I would be off in my little world, and if we tried a relationship, it wouldn’t work out. (Well, that turned out to be true, but not because of socionics.)

On this night, he came in in the middle of the night, and stayed around for quite a while, a very long time. I was dragging very badly. I’m pretty sure I had one or a few energy drinks or espressos. So I would be more talkative.

I hardly got anything done at all that night, but after a while, talking to Matthew become more important than anything else on earth, including my job. Nothing mattered but him. It didn’t matter that I was failing at my job tonight. It only mattered that he was there and I was talking to him, and that meant everything would be okay. I could lose my job, but it didn’t matter. Matthew would do something to fix it.

How could he know that it was okay to take my time? How could he know that it would be all right if I didn’t get all my assigned tasks done? How could he know that it would be all right if I was late at doing something I was scheduled to do by a certain hour, specifically, all the breakfast sandwiches that I hated cooking? I was in fact late with breakfast that day, and a couple early morning customers noticed. After that, I was taken off overnights for a while, and I’m pretty sure that was why. But at that time, it didn’t matter. The entire world revolved around Matthew and the fact that he was bonding with me, and we together would do something about it if I lost my job.

I know socionics. I know it’s my role function, Ni, intuition of time, that tells me ‘I’m late,’ and it’s the same element, Ni, that is Matthew’s ignore function, that tells him, ‘who cares.’ I’m late – who cares?

I started off by telling him I was very tired. I don’t remember what I said. Maybe I told him I was sensitive to pesticides. Maybe – yes – I told him I was camping. I told him I was camping, in essence, ‘homeless,’ and his eyes filled with tears. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. He felt terrible for me because I was having so many problems.

We talked about religion, but I don’t recall exactly what. He had experienced synchronicities. I know exactly what they are, but I interpret them differently. To him, it is the voice of God, the will of God, calling his attention to this or that thing, urging him to do this, making several connected events happen at one time. To him, that was God. To me, it is ‘puppeteers’ using ‘electronic mind control’ to ‘force’ people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise have done, which violates free will. He doesn’t experience it as a violation. He doesn’t experience it as being controlled in a negative way. But he did say that there were difficulties in distinguishing what to do – you couldn’t just obey every single urge you had. Some were right, others were wrong.

One time he was sitting by the road, and a guy was walking past him, pushing his car. Matthew asked if he could help and asked what was wrong. The car was just dead and wouldn’t start for some reason. Matthew asked if they could both just try praying about it, if the other guy believed in God – he said he did. So, they prayed about it. Matthew turned the key in the ignition and it didn’t turn on. Actually, that was before they prayed. He realized he was trying to do the miracle himself and get the credit for it, and so *that* was when he asked the other guy to pray to God, to give God proper credit for it. After they prayed, when he turned the key, the car turned on and was running fine.

When I see experiences like this, I interpret them as being mind control, computer hackers, radio weapons or sonic weapons or whatever else is being used, to control equipment from afar, and it’s especially easy to do with new cars which are all internet-connected and controlled from afar anyway. But Matthew doesn’t know this and I listen to him telling me stories like this with one part of myself having a different explanation, and another part of myself just loving him for being who he is and doing what he does. It just doesn’t matter that he interprets it differently, for now. He can’t know everything all at once. Nobody is born knowing everything.

What else? That night. I told him about my chronic fatigue. He asked me if there were any problems that we could pray about, including all my problems in general, and he said God has a perfect plan for me. At some point, in this conversation or maybe in a future one, he asked what I wanted, and I said I wanted to marry someone and have kids and have a farm, and I wanted to find like-minded people to be with me. He said God wanted me to have all of those things. He had said something himself, something bitter-sounding, about how unimportant or useless it was to think about having kids and marrying people – but that’s because of what’s going on with the girl he loves, Hannah. He loves her, but she has been saying she only wants to be his friend.

We prayed for me, about my fatigue, about my home and my family and my future. I held his hands. I did this over the counter at the convenience store in the middle of the night. One or two people came in while we did this, but walked on past us. I was delighted to hold his hands. I felt the tips of his fingers between my fingers. I can’t remember exactly what position I was holding them in.

That night we exchanged phone numbers, and that was when we started texting, and talking to each other more often.

I’m going to bed. This is only partway done.

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