I have a cup of decaf here, which is a total joke

Quitting coffee gradually doesn’t work. At all. Decaf coffee triggers even stronger cravings for coffee, and it contains something toxic that was used to decaffeinate it, which actually makes it even more poisonous than normal coffee. If I start drinking decaf, then I will start drinking ten cups an hour.

The one and only thing that ever made me quit caffeine was a pregnancy. It was the only thing worth caring about. There is no future and there is no hope, so why bother quitting caffeine? That is the implicit feeling. Why bother caring about my body? I’m trapped in slavery forever. I might as well comfort myself with a poisonous addictive drug. But my baby, on the other hand, doesn’t deserve to be deformed forever. So I can quit for only that reason.

I know for sure I was pregnant for about one week. I felt all the changes in my body. It affected my hormones very strongly. And then, when it died that week, I went into horrible postpartum depression, which is what prompted me to decide to leave this town once and for all.

And that would be a sensible thing to do – go south where I will get some actual vitamin D, because modern society has removed all real vitamin D from our diet (grassfed organic organ meats from wild roaming animals) and replaced it with a toxic, ineffective, fake substitute that doesn’t work, then says, ‘Woe is me! Why is everybody getting broken hips and dying in a hospital afterwards?’

I don’t have a lot of time before work, but I can try to write in detail every minute of every interaction that I can remember ever having with Matthew. That would be a good project.

Oh yeah, the bike? It was one of the last things Mom ever did for me, when I was able to visit the last time, before I went through all of 2016 without visiting. They fixed up that bike for me, which came from a neighbor. I have a video or photos of them fixing it.

I can detail every memory of Matthew. There aren’t a lot of them. Oh, no, I really think I must have PMS, because I am crying easily today. Every little thing seems to be triggering me to start crying.

Why can’t someone steal my black hoodie, which I think is contaminated with drug residues? They’d be doing me a favor. I need to get a new black hoodie. I live right next to Goodwill and the thrift store, and will soon go there to get new pants and a few new essential pieces of clothing. I might lose weight when I get rid of the black hoodie, and a few other items that may have drug residues on them. Total decon would help me right now. No, I do not want anyone to steal my hoodie this very instant because I am wearing it and it’s fucking cold in here because they have the air conditioner on when it’s 50 degrees outside and my hair is wet.

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