chemical exhaustion; EIE-ENFj

2:40 PM 4/13/2017

I’m at work – I rode the bus from my apartment – but have a few minutes before I punch in. I don’t actually ‘punch’ anything, other than just showing up with my uniform on.

I am utterly and completely exhausted, and it’s being made worse by chemicals. Some chemicals are at my apartment, I think. I know that when I took a nap there for a couple hours, I woke up feeling like a truck ran over me.

‘They’ told me Matthew is actually an EIE-ENFJ, not ESFJ. I know it’s possible to be drawn to your conflictor. We had conversations where I mostly listened to him talking about Jesus and I didn’t have a lot to say about that. He’s leaving anyway – he’s finishing school and going back home, so he won’t be around much longer. I’m not going to be developing a relationship with him. I might, or might not, be able to take some suggestions he gave me – I don’t know – having to do with a job I could try doing.

I have been having *horrible* feelings after being with Matt, and I know I have Prozac residues on me if I hug him. I have only hugged him a few times, and have only been with him a few times – he helped me move some stuff out of the camp. I am going into prozac withdrawal from the transdermally absorbed residues.

I was trying to persuade the socionics community to accept David Wilcock as IEE-ENFP. My response to his messages is completely different from how I respond to Matthew reading the bible and talking about Jesus. Everything David Wilcock talks about is new to me, and is understandable and believable to me. My brain is tuned to accept ‘whatever is possible.’ Is it *possible* aliens exist? Yes. Is it *possible* to build a civilization underground, on this planet and other planets? Yes. I want to talk about what’s possible, and if somebody says it’s actually happening, I am tuned to believe that those things which are possible are indeed believable and actually happening. I don’t react with disbelief. Even to negative things, even to terrible possibilities, I react by asking myself, ‘If this were happening, what would it mean to me, how would I feel about it?’ They don’t focus entirely on constantly negative things, and they don’t trigger a constant negative reaction in me.

On the other hand, I get sickened when I read websites exclusively about mind control, which are overwhelmingly negative – negative from top to bottom, unavoidably negative, blasting me with negative emotions and negative judgments about how wrong this is and how horrible this is, nonstop. There was a page where I tried to read about the LIDA machine, but all I could see was this picture of a monkey with its brain opened up, wires plugged into its brain, and a grimace of pain on its face. Okay, I don’t need to see that. I ALREADY KNOW that they torture animals. I already know what kind of people they are. I don’t need that shoved in my face constantly when I am trying to read about something that has practical use which I am trying to understand. I don’t need to be convinced about the fact that they are horrible, murdering, animal-torturing people. So I don’t need to see that monkey’s agony lasting forever and ever every time I look at the web page. That’s the kind of thing I have to put up with while reading about mind control.

The fact that I find reading both Corey and David to be a comfortable experience strongly suggests to me that both are Delta NFs. I just cannot read any other type for such a length of time and tolerate the way they think, the way they process information.

Even so, the music Matthew wrote was really nice music. It was not at all horrible. He only played one song that was recorded, and I don’t have a copy of it or a link to it, even though I told him I’d like to have it. It was just a simple ‘folky’ song.

I might be ready to get dressed in my uniform now.

Oh, I just had an energy drink. And it’s nauseating. I’m just trying to do *anything at all* to get me through the next couple days because of the extremes of my exhaustion.

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