What, exactly, do I want to do?

I mean with Matthew. I’m definitely under the influence of a substance, residue, or withdrawal. I actually don’t know where it came from, although I noticed a few correlations. It might still be ginseng from the drinks, but that was days ago.

Well, there are a few luxuries that I could not have with either Jesse or Agustin. Both of them were the same type, SEE-ESFP, and +Si is their ignore function. It does actually seem as though both of them did not want the particular kind of, shall I call them, foreplay activities that I wanted to do. Both of them were very direct

I myself do not want to spend infinite hours on sex either. I want a moderate amount of time somewhere in between. But I want more than the direct-to-sex style that we did.

They both did not enjoy gentle non-sexual touches, but I have been with people who liked or tolerated gentle touch in the past, so I know it’s possible.

I stroked Jesse’s hair once, and he allowed it once, but never again. I once tried to kiss his feet, but he pulled away – it was actually hurtful, he would not even think of allowing me to touch any part of his feet with my mouth for even a second. He barely allowed me to ever even hold his feet in my hands. He did not like his abdomen being caressed. He did not like his nipples being sucked. He did not allow me to bite his neck, and refused to bite mine. He did not allow me to kiss his hands or his fingers. It was just penis-vagina penetration, and we’re done, the end, no cuddling.

Agustin tolerated somewhat more, but he too did not allow any gentle stroking or exploring. He would not let me look at his naked body, but instead remained mostly dressed. I don’t remember if he took his pants off – I think maybe.

So, all of those things are what I want to try with Matthew to see what he will tolerate or enjoy. He has long hair, so my hands will constantly be in his hair, stroking. I imagine that could get annoying after a while. Desperately fetishizing something so scarce that you cannot find it anywhere else and have been deprived of it for a lifetime, it means you will obsessively do it and make up for lost time instead of taking it for granted as normal, which is how it ought to be. I’m going to be half listening to his conversation and half thinking YOU HAVE LONG HAIR YOU HAVE LONG HAIR YOU HAVE LONG HAIR.

Well, anyway, that is "what I want to do to him."

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