Ginseng, like turmeric, causes anger during withdrawal

I drank the energy drink a couple days ago, but the ginseng and other ingredients are still affecting me. The Angry Dictator fantasy is one example of things that I only say while using ginseng. How many violent dictators in real life were using ordinary herbal drugs? I know some violent Nazis were using illegal recreational drugs. But I think some everyday violence in foreign countries comes from the common use of ginseng or turmeric, both of which have antidepressant effects. Herbal drugs are not safe and harmless merely because they are natural. I prefer to avoid herbal drugs too, although I’m making a few exceptions as I try culinary spices like rosemary. The side effects are minimal for rosemary, but when I ate turmeric, I really got very angry. It is not merely a harmless food, it is a drug.

I don’t know if I’ll keep using ginseng, but I’m afraid it will be hard to interact with Matthew if I am not in a cheerful, friendly, loving, sex-obsessed mood from ginseng. If I am my usual self, I will be untalkative, grouchy, negative, and just not a great friend or girlfriend. I am totally obsessed with him if I’m on ginseng from the energy drinks.

I’m not really that horrible when I’m drug free. I just am tired, mostly, and less intellectual. When I was on ginseng and he was speaking to me, I stared at him like the Overly Attached Girlfriend meme, absolutely adoring and worshipping him and thinking of all the things that I can’t wait to do to him when we’re alone.

Except, behind that I have insecurity, shame, worthlessness, and anxiety. I got fat and haven’t been able to troubleshoot the fatness yet. It’s the most evil, persistent, stubborn fat I have ever had. And the infection – I can hardly bear the thought of telling him about it, without explaining a long story about what I did with Stefan and why I did it and how on earth could I do something so stupid – the emotional summary, the end result, if I’m not allowed to tell the whole story, is humiliation, shame, worthlessness, undesirability, unattractiveness. I am disgusting and he won’t even want to touch me, not even a fully dressed hug where no bodily fluids are exchanged.

One reason why I’m postponing the doctor is because I have to find my medicaid papers, which are buried in various bags in my tent. I cannot pay for it right now. And I can only do one major project per day – the "Spoon Theory" of chronic fatigue syndrome – I don’t have enough spoons. I wish I could tell him, "Matthew, I want to go to your room and have sex with you right now, but there are reasons why I’m not doing that, and it isn’t because I don’t want you."

I feel vulnerable and insecure and I’m scared of what will happen and scared of being hurt and rejected.

Although I’m not driving to WV today, I still rented a car, and I will try to move my belongings to the house if all goes well.

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