No, beautiful Matthew, not you

Yeah, this ginseng thing. I am definitely in trouble now because of it. Only a couple brief uses of a small amount of ginseng, and I can make irreversible enormous changes to my life during those brief moments when I am suggestible.

A benefactor, Matthew, LII-INTJ, has been approaching me gradually over a period of weeks. Normally I am so unfriendly that I repel everyone, even if they somehow gradually penetrate the armor. They only get in a little bit, but no deeper. It turns out he’s on psychiatric drugs, which is why he is able to push through my armor.

Now, tonight, I had that energy drink with the ginseng and ended up adoring all the cute guys all night long. So I myself was
susceptible. Matthew is a tall skinny guy, with long graceful arms and long graceful hands, and long hair. He plays music, which I have never heard, and is religious.

I had a weird night anyway and I was basically malfunctioning the whole time, but when Matthew came in, I pretty much lost all hope of having a normal night. We started talking and ended up holding hands and praying together, after like an hour long conversation. Even though I don’t pray to the same god.

You see what I mean now. This is not a normal day. After he left all I could think about was that I wanted to run around to the other side of the counter and put my arms around him, and that is an EXTREMELY BAD IDEA because I have an infection that I do not want to spread or share with anyone else, especially not someone I like and respect. He’s not going to get it by hugging me, it’s just that I want to go home with him after that, and I will want to do that very quickly after hugging him.

Now next time he sees me I might not be on ginseng. People who have seen me on ginseng never understand why my behavior and mood and attitude completely change from day to day. Sometimes the wall is up, sometimes the wall is down.

Benefactors! I have had several incidents over the past few months involving my beneficiary, ESI-ISFJ. I’ve discovered it’s possible to be physically intimate with them. Now my beautiful, sweet, gorgeous benefactor has appeared and I can’t wait to run over to him and put my arms around him when I’m clean. He smelled really good, too. I don’t know why I was able to smell him, when my sense of smell is terrible, but I’ve been eating pumpkin seeds with the shells, and supposedly those have particular minerals that help your sense of smell, like zinc or something. I forget which one. I could smell his laundry – his clothing had some kind of laundry soap perfume.

Ginseng, ginseng, and it was only just one single can of an energy drink. Now I am really in trouble.

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