awake when I shouldn’t be; frustrated by my reduced intelligence

11:53 AM 4/2/2017

I’m doing one of my overnight shifts followed by the 3:00 shift, which means I only have a few hours of sleep in between the two shifts, and I’ve woken up after only a short nap. Those shifts are never good for me, and I have several of them this week.

I was reading about rosemary, and I found out that it’s the one that triggers NGF, nerve growth factor. Why was I thinking it was sage that triggered that? Sage must do something else, and I have forgotten what exactly it does. I have the little jar of rosemary, and the little jar of sage, and whenever I use them, I often use both of them at once, so I haven’t distinguished between the effects caused by each one individually.

I took a shower at the apartment yesterday, and felt much, much, much better afterwards. The aromatherapy oils contaminated me merely by wafting around me passively. I’ve been contaminated by many things, such as pesticides on the blankets from various pesticide exposures over many months, which cannot be cleaned off because, damn this keyboard! I need a new one! – because – certain keys aren’t pressing, such as the ‘o’ key, and I have to hit them multiple times. – Anyway, it’s very hard to wash anything off of such large blankets and sleeping bags. Even at the laundromat, using the largest washers, they don’t get really clean. So I have chronic fatigue from low level pesticide exposure.

I am also very annoyed about the weight gain and belly fat that won’t go away, but I’m going to try to exercise – reluctantly, because I don’t believe exercise is a good solution for unexplained weight gain that I do not understand. It appeared suddenly during about a one-month period in the summer of 2016, which means it has a specific cause. Sudden onset obesity. I have several theories about exactly what happened that triggered it during that time period, but even so, I still cannot easily get rid of it.

Swimming is the chosen exercise for me. It was so enjoyable. It was wonderful, and I loved the sense of community and camaraderie there, when lots of people were swimming. The only bad thing about it is the horrible chemical exposure. Chemicals can actually worsen weight gain. When I was reading about one of the horrific rat experiments where they tested what chlorinated water does to you, they said the rats in the chlorinated water group actually *gained weight* compared to the control group, which puzzled them, but that is because weight gain results from toxic chemical exposures. You’re storing toxins in your fat, and getting them out of your body is not easy. So I might end up actually getting heavier and storing a bunch of chlorine chemicals in my fat, as a result of swimming and exercising.

I wish I could go swimming every day, but I certainly won’t be able to do that on a day like this. I will need to get some goggles, because it really did burn my eyes a lot.

There should be some alternatives to a chlorinated pool. You shouldn’t have to choose between these two extremes of ‘death from flesh-eating bacteria’ versus ‘death from chemical-induced cancer.’ ‘Flesh eating bacteria’ is one of the things that was mentioned on a web page where they compared the dangers of chlorinated versus non-chlorinated pools. There should be something in between those two extremes.

For example, there could be a pool of nothing but clear water, except it would be completely emptied and filtered out daily, not merely filtered with a tiny little filter running on the side of the pool, but the whole entire volume of water completely filtered out with a major heavy duty filter of some sort, and refilled with fresh water. If it were completely drained once every day, it seems like that would be enough.

I really can’t wait to go back, but today is a horrible day to do anything at all, and actually, instead of spending my time swimming, I should spend it packing my stuff and preparing to move it. Also, I have to go to West Virginia later this week, for Mom’s ‘celebration of life’ or whatever they’re calling it.

I have detached from the grief, but as soon as I go to the house again, it will hurt again, and Dad has been getting rid of some stuff, horse knickknacks, so the house won’t look the same, and that’s going to hurt too.

Mom’s life was excessively shortened by modern society, by the modern lifestyle. My intentional community / intentional religion makes laws that prevent people from living the type of lifestyle that ruins our bodies. We are not allowed to use those drugs and chemicals. We are not allowed to eat bad foods. Our lifestyle is regulated by law. We are not merely commanded to do these things, we are also *enabled* to do them. The community is designed in such a way that it is always easy and convenient to obey the law, so, for instance, you aren’t expected to be one single person living alone and having to cook healthy food for yourself all the time, but instead, you live in a community that always makes healthy food constantly available around you, so that no matter where you go, healthy food is there. Unlike Christianity and a lot of other religions, Anaya actually expects you to make major lifestyle changes, changes from the mainstream society, in order to prevent the problems that happen to mainstream society.

My own life is full of problems and failure, and I know a lot of the reasons why, but it is this long, long list of one reason after another. Why did I fail? When did I begin to fail? I probably began to fail when I began to develop the Weston Price facial and body deformities. I began to fail when I was vaccinated. I began to fail when I was conceived with poor nutrition, when I was developing in the womb. There are dozens of factors I can list, where my life got worse and worse, where I began to fail even more than I had failed previously, such as the tooth removals and orthodontic braces I got in fourth grade. I had been a straight-A student until I got tooth removals and braces. Then there were many chemical exposures and other things after that.

Those chemicals do not need to merely be ‘labeled,’ or ‘used with consent.’ They need to be outright banned, so that you simply don’t have to choose. They need to simply not be available. There is no reason why we have to have 99% of those chemicals. A tiny percent of the toxic chemicals we use have some small justification, but alternatives can and should be found.

Maybe I will try to go back to sleep. I just wanted to say, I am frustrated with the way my brain has been feeling. I have been feeling stupid for several months now. My brain is definitely working less well. I can see it in the lack of clarity of thought, and worsening of grammar, and worsening of math expressions – I was saying something silly on twitter about a risk versus cost ratio, and in my mind, I knew that I meant ‘the risk of not fixing this’ versus ‘the cost in effort it would take to fix it,’ but I didn’t explain that, and it made it seem like I’m not good at math, because I had written a poorly defined math expression. I should do more math, kind of like swimming – mental exercise – and I should practice perfectionistic grammar and spelling again. Being perfectionistic is associated with feeling intelligent.

It’s so frustrating to know that I used to be smart, but various factors, including my plastic dental fillings leaching into my mouth, have caused my intelligence to go down.

Being dumb is also associated with being fat. I don’t know the exact cause of this fatness that won’t go away, and I also don’t know the exact specific cause of the stupidity that won’t go away. I need to do a major total decon.

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