I’m pretty sure I am sick. Used clary sage, don’t like it, but it smells nice.

There might be typos. I wrote this on my phone.

I felt horrible yesterday afternoon, and sat in a chair and laid my head on the front counter at work. My coworker Art was with me but I didnt go home because I couldn’t get a reply from my manager and didn’t want to risk it, and it wasn’t long till the shift was over. That is a bad enough shift that I will always have problems with it – a 3pm shift right after leaving at 7am from a night shift the night before. I get very little sleep.

I have felt horrible ever since I experimented with clary sage and jojoba aromatherapy oils. I got them the other day. I have wanted to test that clary sage for a long time because of how extremely helpful sage is for me. It is the most effective and least harmful herbal drug I know of. I do not use a concentrated form of sage, so the only unpleasant effect is the bitter taste and mild nausea. I only eat dried sage powder or fresh leaves. This was the first time I tried clary sage, and the first time I used an oil instead of leaves.

I did not touch the oils. I just poured them into a plastic (come on, autocorrect – can’t you figure out that 0 is p, 6 is y, and so on? I NEVER intend to write the word "0lastic," it’s just that this phone has a lag or glitch that causes a button to stick down longer than I actually press it, so it thinks I held down the letter p and all the other letters – can’t you figure out that a held-down button is supposed to be the top-level visible letter?) juice cap, which I would throw away, and then I sat outdoors at a picnic table on a warm day and just inhaled it randomly.

Clary sage in jojoba smelled nice, but that was about all. It had almost no effects of sage, which must come from thujone. It had a very mild antidepressant like effect, which seems to be lingering since I haven’t showered and haven’t washed everything, and the effect has changed into a horrible negative emotion of utter despair about the future, and trauma over Mom’s death. It caused extreme fatigue the first day, which thankfully mostly wore off but might have contributed to my exhaustion yesterday. I felt like I had been exposed to pesticide, which was probably literally true – the oils are organic, but plants produce their own toxins, which are the "drugs" that we are getting from them, natural plant toxins. Basically, I just inhaled concentrated clary sage toxin and/or jojoba toxin. Actually, I forget if the jojoba was organic. But I doubt it was a manmade pesticide. It was the plants themselves. I get fatigue from most plant based drugs.

Normal sage gives me very strong mental effects, especially when I’m caffeine-free. I can focus on challenging tasks a long time without giving up, and have a deeper understanding of everything. Sage is hard to grow – not a single seed sprouted last year, even though I bought several packs of seeds. I will try again this year. I think it’s perennial, so if I grow it at all, I will have it forever. So I’ve been forced to just eat powdered dried sage or the "fresh" single serving sage leaves in the packs from the store. The "fresh" leaves in packs are really rather dry and lifeless, though still green. They seem to be lacking juice somehow.

I have been cautious about aromatherapy because of contamination and my bad reactions to many herbal drugs. But I followed an impulse, a suggestion, and had enough money to buy it (I really don’t have enough money because all the years of my future must be allocated, which is millions of dollars I don’t have.). So I actually do not "have enough money" for anything at all, and the concept of "having enough money" is meaningless. My entire future does not exist because no money has been allocated to it yet, but this must be done. I once calculated.

"What’s that dark thing moving in my peripheral vision as I’m typing?" some part of my brain thought just now. OH MY GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD. Thankfully it was on the outside of the tent screen, not the inside. We do not name this unspeakable thing, but it was over an inch in diameter. I tapped the screen to knock it down, then felt very sorry for it as it fell and scrambled away in fear and distress.

Maybe even almost two inches.

I have conflicting reactions depending on where unspeakable things are located. "Aww, poor thing, SQUISH." I don’t like to kill and would prefer not to, but I also don’t like accidentally being bitten by things.

I actually love snakes more than I love spiders, although jumping spiders are adorable. I might not be happy about coral snakes (red on yellow, kill a fellow, red on black, venom lack) down south, but I adore garter snakes. I would fear rattlers and copperheads I’m sure. Funny how I can describe either a snake or spider as "adorable" depending on what type it is.

I was going to say, I once estimated the cost of a lifetime in dollars, and I think it was like $30 million, or maybe $6 million, and I don’t know why I can’t recall the number at all and why there is such a huge magnitude of difference between the two numbers I’m remembering. This was just a frugal lifetime cost, with normal amounts of cars and houses, and no costly special projects or hobbies. From birth till death it costs $X million just to exist in the most average mainstream way. That is the money I don’t have which must be allocated to my future.

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