I suddenly remembered driving, lost in the dark, at the mall, hunting for herbs to cure Mom’s cancer

2:17 AM 2/24/2017

I don’t know why, but in the middle of my shift at work tonight (I worked 5pm till 2am), I recalled very clearly the fact that I went to the Barboursville Mall in West Virginia, while Mom was still alive, and I bought herbs. I went on an herb buying mission, looking for pawpaw.

I had actually, on maybe the first day that I got home, taken a big stick, I think a wooden 2 by 4 or something, a big wooden thing, and I took it outside, and I went over to a tree, and I beat it against the tree as hard as I could, over and over, and shattered it. After a piece shattered, I kept beating the rest of the pieces till they shattered even smaller. Then I laid the broken pieces by the edge of the house. I had to hit something because I was angry.

I remembered being at the mall, for some reason, tonight. I know I was someplace else before that, shopping around the local town, in Teays Valley, but didn’t find all the herbs I wanted. I talked to a lady at one of the stores and she told me where to go to get essiac tea.

I was going herb shopping because I had to do something rather than nothing, rather than just passively accept Mom’s death.

I remembered how it was dark outside and I was driving the rental car and I couldn’t find my way around the mall, outside, in the darkness. I went driving around and around the parking lots, trying to find the store I was looking for. I went into the mall and looked on the index of stores but it wasn’t there. I forget the name of it, some kind of health store, next to another health grocery store thing. It wasn’t even connected to the mall, it was actually a whole separate area and I was on the wrong side of the street. I remember I walked past the movie theater, and saw people going in, and I wished I could be a girl walking with a guy and holding hands and going to see a movie tonight, but that wasn’t what I was doing, I was finding herbs to try to cure cancer and save my mom’s life, but there was no hope, I just had to do something.

Why did I suddenly remember how it felt to see that darkness around the Barboursville mall, driving in the rental car, being lost in the parking lots? It was a very clear, specific feeling and memory that suddenly came back to me out of nowhere tonight, in the middle of nothing in particular, at work.

If Mom had been given an IV, just an IV, I’m sure she could have survived a few more days, and we might have gotten a chance to try my herbs. But the chemotherapy herbs are not gentle. They are just as harsh and toxic as normal chemotherapy. I would not be able to administer them by mouth. The only way I could have done it would have been through an enema, and I didn’t have the tools and supplies needed to give her an enema. I would have needed the confidence and the permission to violate her in that way, and to make her as sick as she would get from absorbing the poison, even though it was through the bowel instead of the stomach.

I felt horribly guilty, because I insisted she must try to drink my herbal tea made from pawpaw twigs. She did, just one or two small sips. But there was a moment later on when she requested water, plain water, and I asked her if she would drink the tea at all, or just water, and she said she wanted just plain water, but she said it in the smallest, most apologetic voice, a helpless person who could not even get out of bed to get the water for herself.

I felt so, so horrible, for ever urging her to try to drink even a couple sips of the extremely weak pawpaw twig tea that didn’t even cause vomiting.

There are horrible, horrible, painful things you do when you are trying to cure cancer. Would I ever be able to do those things to someone?

I was shopping for pau d’arco, and pawpaw, and essiac tea. But I couldn’t even give her the essiac tea. I knew it would cause painful diarrhea, and she was in horrible pain just from taking milk of magnesia to help her go to the bathroom. I think she was on so many opioids she was constipated because of them. Opioids cause the bowels to stop moving. She was in agony all night long, vomiting and having diarrhea over and over, on the night she took milk of magnesia. I didn’t want to give her the essiac tea and do that to her again.

What could I possibly have done that would have been acceptable? Every treatment, even the gentlest, seemed like horrible abuse. But there is that time when you must be firm and you must abuse someone physically, with force, in order to heal them. Like giving her an IV. She would have survived if someone had simply given her an IV to give her water and electrolytes. Then we could have tried some more additional treatments, like the herbs.

I don’t know why it was the memory of the Barboursville Mall that came to me tonight. Maybe it’s because I went out for such a long time that everyone thought I had left. Dad said he thought I had driven back to Pennsylvania or something. I was out a very long time, a couple of hours, hunting for these herbs, and I was lost at the mall in the dark, going around and around the confusing streets. Maybe ‘they’ reminded me of this because Jacob, my cat, is at home in the tent waiting for me, wondering where I am. He always greets me when I come home. But I must not stay out too long, fooling around or using the internet, when I know he is at home waiting for me, helpless, poor cat.

I just wanted to remember something about how it felt to be at the mall shopping for herbs to save my mom. It was a moment before she was dead. She was still alive. I still thought maybe she was going to survive for a couple more weeks, and there would be time to slowly and carefully start using some herbal treatments on her, with her consent and permission and participation. But then she died only a couple days later.

I don’t know what I was trying to remember. It felt like something important, some kind of a feeling. Maybe it was hope. Maybe I was remembering that moment when she wasn’t dead yet and when I still had hope that we were going to try something and cure her. I had hope. I was doing something. Was that what I was trying to remember? Hope?

One Response to “I suddenly remembered driving, lost in the dark, at the mall, hunting for herbs to cure Mom’s cancer”

  1. nebbie916 Says:

    Safe Dog Food: http://www.astrologyzine.com/safe-dog-food.shtml
    Dog Food Dangers: http://www.astrologyzine.com/health/dog-food-dangers.shtml

    The AstrologyZine website says (or implies depending on the toxic food or contaminant) that dogs are more susceptible to some common food toxins and contaminants than cats are, even though cats are often said to have weaker livers than either dogs or humans. Those food toxins and contaminants include chocolate, raisins and grapes, nutmeg, macadamia nuts, xylitol, avocados, aflatoxin, and a parasite in raw salmon and trout.

    Toxic Foods, Food ingredients, and Food contaminants that are more Dog-Toxic than Cat-Toxic


    Causes cardiac arrest in dogs, but not in cats. Also, dogs are more likely to eat a poisonous amount than cats are because the former is a more voracious and indiscriminate eater than the latter. The darker and purer the chocolate/cocoa/cacao, the more poisonous and bitter.

    LD50 for Theobromine
    Dogs: 100-150 milligrams
    Cats: 200 milligrams

    Cheesecake? on LiveJournal: http://cathealth.livejournal.com/2118944.html
    Healthy Chocolate: http://www.astrologyzine.com/healthy-chocolate.shtml

    Grapes, Raisins, Sultanas, and Currants

    Grapes, raisins, sultanas, and currants are said to be poisonous only to dogs. Can cause renal failure in some dogs. Haven’t heard of it being poisonous to other animals outside of assuming that cats are poisoned by them too. Only heard of dogs having problems with them though, not other animals.

    TheDogPlace.org has some articles on grape and raisin toxity in dogs and debunking misconceptions about it.

    1. http://www.thedogplace.org/NUTRITION/Grapes-Poison-Dogs-Myth-09061-bja-nl.asp
    2. http://www.thedogplace.org/NUTRITION/grape-raisins-poison-control-profit-09062-bja-nl.asp
    3. http://www.thedogplace.org/NUTRITION/Grape-Raisin-Debate-1003.asp
    4. http://www.thedogplace.org/NUTRITION/Raisin-Poison_Wiggins-147.asp
    5. http://www.thedogpress.com/DogSense/Grapes-Raisins_Hassinger-1108.asp
    6. http://www.thedogplace.org/NUTRITION/Grapes-Poison-1001_Cooper.asp


    Xylitol, which is found in sugar free gum and candy, is highly toxic to dogs, but not to humans and cats. Some rabbits and some ferrets may be poisoned by xylitol.

    Xylitol Toxicity – chewing gum IS bad for dogs: https://blog.agilepooch.com/2009/01/01/xylitol-toxicity-chewing-gum-is-bad-for-dogs/

    Raw Salmon, Trout, Shad, and Sturgeon

    Raw salmon, trout, shad, and sturgeon can be infected with a parasitic trematode worm called Nanophyetus salmincola, which is in turn infected with a type of bacteria called Neorickettsia helminthoeca. This type of bacteria infects canines and not other animals. 90 percent of untreated dogs die from this. Note that sushi may contain raw salmon. Cooking kills the parasite and the bacteria.

    Macadamia Nuts

    This is only said to be poisonous to dogs. Haven’t heard of it being poisonous to other animals. Causes elevated body temperature, accelerated heartbeat, anxiety, weakness, and muscle tremors, as well as paralysis of the hindquarters of a dog.


    Contains a toxin called mryisticin. Affects the central nervous system of dogs and causes tremors and seizures. Can cause death in large amounts, like it does in humans.

    Cats may be safe with it in small amounts, so the amount sprinkled onto food is not likely to cause toxity in them.

    Avocado and Guacamole

    Avocados and guacamole contain a poison called persin. Poisonous to birds (canaries and parrots), rabbits, horses, cows, sheep, and goats. Contrary to what many websites say, dogs and cats are not adversely affected by persin.

    Resplendent Quetzal birds are an exception to the “avocado is poisonous to birds” rule. In fact, they naturally feed on avocado and other members of the laurel family. They swallow avocados whole and regurgitate the pit, which helps disperse the trees. The big avocado pit is a choking hazard to any other animal.

    Avocados – Poisonous to Companion Animals or Not: http://drjeandoddspethealthresource.tumblr.com/post/43604617320/avocados-dogs-cats#.WK_hX5A76K0


    This toxin is produced by the Aspergillus mold, which corn, wheat, soybeans, Brazil nuts, pecans, peanuts, sunflower seeds, pistachios, and walnuts are frequently contaminated with. Dogs and birds are far more susceptible to aflatoxin than humans, cats, cattle, and pigs. Dogs are far more susceptible than most other mammals, not just the aforementioned four.

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