so far, not too terrible. but I will watch out for depression as a side effect.

I’m at Kat’s house right now. I wanted to just take a shower and go home, but then, I started having diarrhea. Every time I tried to leave, I had another bout of diarrhea. I’m afraid to leave now. I have to ride my bike home to the tent and sleep some more, because I’m working an overnight tonight. I have to get at least some sleep.

At least I’m not vomiting, YET. But having diarrhea every couple minutes is preventing me from leaving.

I decided to look at facebook pictures of Mom. She actually didn’t look so good for this entire year leading up to her cancer, the whole year of 2016. It was ‘brewing’ back then. Her face looked gray and her whole demeanor, her whole aura, looked gray and recessed somehow, pulled back, not vigorous, not vital, not full of energy. Her facial expression was a look of not really smiling, even in photographs.

I have seen photos of her when she was younger. She was healthy and full of energy.

I myself am not as healthy looking as I want to be. I have been unhealthy looking for quite some time now. I can see some of that death creeping up on me. I could see the death shadow on Mom in her photos of 2016, in hindsight. I already felt that she didn’t look too good, but I didn’t think she was going to outright DIE in a couple of months. I just thought she was ‘aging badly.’

But she probably already had cancer and already was battling some cachexia. Dad, or maybe Mom herself on the phone with me, I forget, told me that she was having trouble eating, ‘early satiety,’ eating just a little and then feeling like you can’t eat any more, for much of 2016.

I think I have taken azithromycin before, maybe for the bladder infection I had that one time. That might be the time when I got REALLY, REALLY DEPRESSED. Taking the antibiotic made me so depressed I quit my job at Giant. Now that I know what to expect, I will try not to let anything like that happen again.

Gut bacteria affect your mood. I already wolfed down a thing of yogurt, although it will all be killed and it’s no use at this point in the treatment – it’ll kill all the yogurt bacteria just as much as it kills everything. But after the drug is wearing off I’ll be sure to eat more yogurt and anything else (I have no fridge, so I don’t want to get jars of kimchi and stuff, but that’s what I’d love to have).

Mom… I miss you – if I am going to be depressed, I will probably be crying about Mom a whole lot in the next few days. It’s strange – I actually cried a lot more about Jesse joining the army than I did about Mom dying, but that’s because I was seeing Jesse frequently. He was close by. If I had been living with Mom or near enough to see her often and visit her, I would have cried a lot more. I’m disconnected from the house in WV by being up here in State College.

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