the annoying website; fantasized that Mom came with me on a ski trip, Mom when she was young, happy, and healthy

So, I tried to send a message to some of these people who show that they are doing a carpool, on the badly designed website from CATA. It only sends a message internally, to and from a little mailbox that you have only there on the site, it looks like. I have no idea at all if it ever sends a notification to their real email address or not. If not, then this will be a mailbox that they never check, because surely nobody uses that website frequently – it’s only something you use once or twice and once you’ve arranged your ride you don’t need to use it on a daily basis. So these people will probably go months or years never knowing they got a message from me asking if I can get a ride with them.

I’m trying to break out of my rut by going to Altoona to look for a job. There’s nothing really magical about Altoona, except that it’s different from State College. It’s possible to find lower rent apartments there, and single apartments instead of roommates.

If I can only remember the sadness, then I will remember the desire to leave. If I forget the sadness, then nothing will matter anymore and I will just blindly and dumbly stay here. I remembered the sadness only by going to my parents’ house and seeing how much I had lost, all of my life, all of everything, all that I was supposed to be, all that my mother was supposed to be.

I drove back here with my imaginary mother taking a ride with me. She was adventurous and happy like she used to be in her youth. Long ago, in the early 1990s, she and I really did go on long trips together, when she took me back and forth to Shepherd College, WV. We played music on the cassette player – I think it eventually became a CD player, but it was originally a magnetic tape cassette. We played things like John Denver and Christopher Cross and maybe some other things I’ve forgotten.

Mom never really liked riding in the car for a long time, but back then, she tolerated it better. The older she got, the more painful and uncomfortable it was for her to ride in the car for many hours. But she used to be able to do it.

When I drove back here from Scott Depot just the other day, and took her with me in my imagination, she was cheerful and energetic and happy. It was a sunny day. She was very young. I thought all about the adventures that she should have had.

She should have had true love. She had a type of comfortable friendship, but not real passionate romantic love. I learned about socionics and I can explain it by saying she was married to her socionic mirror (ESTJ to ISTP) instead of her dual (INFJ).

So, nobody ever really knew her. I knew there was this inner life that we didn’t see or hear about. Whatever she was thinking, whatever she was feeling, we didn’t really know all of it. Whatever
undeveloped potential she had, we never saw it. She said she was happy in her life, doing her routines and taking care of the horses, but I had this feeling that her life could have been much, much more.

If she had been young and healthy for a long, long time, instead of deteriorating, if she had been stronger and more vigorous, what would she have done? Would she have started her own business? Would she have done more traveling? Would she have gone on more vacations?

Mom was a housewife, and she didn’t earn her own money. So in a way, she had the luxury of free time given to her, without the need to have a job. In that way, she was lucky. On the other hand, Dad went through an extremely frugal stage, because he wanted to save money to retire. I understand and agree with this, but yet, I felt the pain too, when we moved away from Greensburg PA to Scott Depot WV and stopped going on vacations anywhere. Vacations, and everything fun, just stopped.

I never wanted to be a parasite forcing Dad to work as a slave, especially now that I know what it’s like to have a job. But at the same time, I feel like we should have done more to enjoy our lives and the time we had. I don’t know how that could have worked out financially. I don’t know what impact it would have had on Dad’s retirement.

But when I took Imaginary Mom on this car trip, I felt that sense of adventure like she should have had. It was this feeling of brightness and sunlight, with images of her smiling and being cheerful. We wouldn’t have been alone. We would have been going with a group of friends who were able to bring out Mom’s extraverted nature. It would be like the scuba diving trips they used to go on. We should have done all these things.

I got to Snowshoe, the ski resort, and I fantasized that it was a long time ago and we were all going there as a family, for fun. We were a wealthy family, shamelessly spending our wealth on fun activities and vacations and ski resorts, just like all the other wealthy families did. In reality, we almost never went on vacations and we were extremely frugal, and never did anything openly visible that made it obvious we were wealthy. In the fantasy that day, we splurged, we did this special ski trip, and took Mom with us during a time when she was still young and vigorous. She would have happily gone skiing with us and she would have been good at it.

It was this feeling that made me want to get the hell out of State College. There were other places on earth out there, places that existed, places that weren’t so dull, weren’t so stuck in a rut, weren’t so familiar, places with fresh air and sunshine and things to do, places with adventures. I felt the sadness, knowing that this had never happened, that we stopped having adventures and stopped taking vacations after a certain time period in our family. If I can remember the sadness now, I can remember that I just want to get out of this town. I don’t want to be stuck here forever. I hate it here and I always have. It’s not just that I hate it ‘here,’ specifically, but I hate being stuck in just one single place, unable to leave, ever, unable to go on vacations, unable to travel, unable to do something different.

I have to just take ONE SMALL STEP out of this town. If only I can start working at a job in Altoona and get an apartment in Altoona, it will be slightly new scenery. It will be cheap enough that I might be able to save up a little money, or do something like go back to school. I can do a two year vocational school or community college program. That’s all I need to make an improvement in my life. If it improves my life even a little tiny bit, I can make further
improvements from there.

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2 Responses to “the annoying website; fantasized that Mom came with me on a ski trip, Mom when she was young, happy, and healthy”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Why don’t you just move to Charleston or Huntington or someplace where you want to live the rest of your life?

  2. Nicole Says:

    Mostly because I’m trying to take as little money from Dad as possible. At the moment, I’m unemployed. I have absolutely no money at all except the little bit Dad gave me to rent a car to go home. So I have to earn some money first, but there are various problems in my life that always interfere to prevent me from saving even a couple hundred bucks. I know it seems like it would be easy to just save a couple hundred bucks and then decide to go somewhere in a U-Haul, but things that should be simple and easy are never simple and easy in my life. It’s kind of hard to explain. Mostly, it has to do with the voices I have in my head and how they interfere with thought processes and prevent me from making decisions easily. I also have some connections to long term friends here in State College and I don’t like separating from people I care about – that has probably been the main reason. If I had no friends, it would be much easier to leave.

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