Getting ready to leave

I have this terrible feeling of loneliness and despair. I’m about to get in the car and go back to State College, just because I can’t afford to rent the car much longer, and I need to take care of my belongings in the tent, and check on Jacob at Mike & Chris’s house. I also need to deal with a few other things there like my box at the UPS store.

Mom was one of the few people who understood that the demons were real. I don’t really refer to them as ‘demons,’ since I don’t believe they are supernatural, but yet, ‘demons’ is the easiest way to describe them metaphorically. When I talked to her on the phone in the last few years, she sounded like she was losing hope for me, and she would say things like ‘I know your demons won’t let you, but you really need to try to do X.’

I still have hope for myself – believe it or not, even now after so much disaster I believe I can do things to make my life better.

But Mom understood that there were forces destroying my life, forces I cannot control, forces that are not my fault, forces that are more powerful than I am. My failures are not entirely my own. My failures are not entirely my fault. My father is in the camp of people who believe that I have infinite power and infinite control over my own destiny, and therefore all of my failures are totally my own fault.

My mom however somehow understood the concept of powerlessness much better than he does. She understood that *something* is holding me back, and that something is external, something else, something that is not me. She understood that I can’t just push a magic button and decide to fix everything by a mere act of will.

It was like having an ally in the world. I do appreciate it that Dad made it sound like he intended to possibly continue the thing of sending money to me. He might, he might not, and if he doesn’t, that’s okay. But it helps me psychologically and emotionally to know that somebody understands the world the same way I do. I want people who understand things the way that I understand them. I felt like I had an ally in this battle, in Mom. She wasn’t a really accessible ally.

There must be other allies out there, and yes, I have found them online, other people who experience things similar to me. I am able to look for them. It’s just nice to have a family member who knows it, my mom who I have known for 42 years. (John, I appreciate your support too – you pay attention to what’s going on in my life and you have an understanding of it.)

I might go with Dad to do the horses. I don’t know. How long will that take?

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